So, here's this. Another Pseudo-Route. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeee.
This route is going to focus on Naomi, the epileptic class mate of Hisao in 3-3 who's friends with Natsume. The pair are in the Newspaper Club, so I definitely plan to implement that, somewhat heavily, in Hisao's next clandestine relationship. AND YES I MADE AN EPILEPSY PUN. DON'T JUDGE ME.
The first part is basically all canon, up until a certain point -of which I will not define.
Eventually, I hope to have a friend of mine write this same story, but from Naomi's Point of View. But, seeing as he disappeared of the face of Planet Skype, I'm trudging forward.
Alone.
Edited the two chapters into one, as that makes it the right length for me. Usually doesn't take me this long to write this much, but t'is in the past~. *=The Point of Derision from Canon~!
As I sit the uniform down upon the blue bed-sheet I momentarily stop:
So. First day.
Woo.
I should probably be more enthusiastic about all this.
But, in all my self-musings, prospective ideas, and all the other things that've came through my head about this... Cripple School... I never heavily thought on it. Over the last four months, I've not thought about anything, really. Just the book I put in front of my nose and occasionally my parents.
However, enough of that.
I force the old uniform on, noting the little brown-devil of a scar, crossing my sternum angrily, tie the... tie... and put on my shoes.
Today.
Today I start at Yamaku Academy.
My own little rebirth.
Atta boy Hisao! Forced enthusiasm is still enthusiasm!
...Ah, screw it.
Throwing my fake enthusiasm out the figurative window, I leave the hollow shell of my former life, my old room, and go out to the car where my parents have already put my few small schoolbags away.
I fill the drive with tension-filled small-talk and drifts of formless, dreamless sleep.
As I step out of the car, and toward the ostentatious gate, I wrap my mind in a daze of thoughts this black wrought iron devil has brought forth.
The gate, made of burgundy brick, light gray plaster, and that intricate black wrought iron, radiates pomposity and the general aura a private school gives off.
It nearly seems to whisper at me... "Come on in, Hisao... There's nothing bad inside~... Maybe~..."
No thank you, devil-gate.
I'll take my one order of Crippled Hell elsewhe-
No, Bad Hisao.
Stop thinking about the school like this.
The school is normal, filled with normal people... With little... Adaptations...?
Okay, enough of that.
I've stood outside this gate long enough.
In I go, to the land of the broken peop-
Stop that.
Bad Hisaooooo.
Positive outlooks, positive outlooks, positive outlooks, positive outlooks, come ooooon...
As I briskly step through the gate, enjoying the fact I'm able to be mobile like this again, I keep a steady pace, up to the building, admiring the golf course-esque scenery.
Tossing a small grimace back at the gate, and glancing around at the auxiliary building, I reach the main building and open the doors to the interior. Modern, but not as ostentatious. I let my eyes wander around, ephemerally glancing about, my thoughts flitting with my eyes, eventually coming upon a tall, middle aged social blunder of a man, a 9 o' clock shadow creeping across his sharp face; my thoughts continue going, and I nearly miss his greeting.
"You must be... Ni... Na... Niki?" he stammers.
"Nakai." I correct, blunt on the error of my name.
"So you are: Excellent. I'm your homeroom and science teacher. My name is Mutuo," he and I exchange a brief, average handshake, then he continues, "Welcome to Yamaku. The Head Nurse wanted a quick visit before the morning classes, but our time is already short; I'm sure he won't mind you simply stopping by in the afternoon, when classes are over with."
Nodding lightly, I succinctly reply, "Well, off to class?"
"Of course, we still need time to introduce you to the rest of the class. They're all already waiting," Mutou says, then adds quickly, "Of course, you do want to do your own introduction, right?"
"Uh... Well, yeah, that's normal, right?" I say, even though "normal" isn't exactly a precedent around here-at least I'd assume.
I toss around thoughts and ideas of what kind of abnormalities I am about to lay my eyes upon, and shuffle my feet inside the doors of the class.
The first thing I notice is the high ceiling, a wall taken hostage by a whiteboard, and the lack of mutant freak shows inhabiting the desks. In fact, the most jarring thing I see is a kid with a cane and... looks like she's missing her right hand.
Ouch.
I see a pink haired girl and blue haired girl making ecstatic hand motions to each other, must be sign language. I also notice a girl with stunning purple hair gawking back at me... Uh... She notices my confused look, and my gaze falling on her, then covers her face with a... scarred ha- Oh. That's why she was... Well...
I continue scanning the room, and see a giggling pair in the left corner, exchanging glances at me, and covering their mouthes while they, most likely, whisper.
I wonder who they're talking about?
I awkwardly shuffle about, and notice I've zoned out, regardless the natural tendency to pay attention when someone's talking about you; and again nearly miss my cue to begin my introduction that I really don't want to do now.
"Well, my name is Hisao Nakai, and I'm- obviously- new here," I stifle an awkward laugh and then continue speaking, "I enjoy reading and playing soccer," and then after that?
"I hope that I can get along well with everyone here, and that I enjoy my time at this school."
Pathetic. Like every single self-introduction performed ever.
Mutou drones on about how they all need to treat me with respect and all that useless jabber, then walks over to me.
"We'll be working in groups of three today, you can work with Hakamichi. She's our Class Representative and should be able to tell you a bit more about the school." Wait, uh...
Who the Hell is Hakamichi...?
Slow as usual, Hisao.
Goooooood joooooooob.
He starts walking away, but then notices my helpless look, "She's right over...there." he points at the bubbly pink haired girl- who has already erupted into laughter of "Wahahaha~!" a few ear-splitting times- and the studious-looking blue haired girl who has yet to make a peep.
I sit down next to the bubbly pink haired girl and her silent companion, then throw a few glances at the worksheet we're doing.
"So, uh, you're Hakamichi?" I say, looking at the pink haired girl.
She busts out into eardrum breaking laughter, "Wahahaha~!"
...Uh...
What.
"Well~, Hicchan, I'm not Hakamichi!" she motions to the blue haired girl, who, still, has yet to make a single noise since my arrival here, "Shicchan is mute so I talk for her! My name is Misha~!"
Hakamichi gives me a somewhat curt nod, then continues switching from bored to analytical with every swoop over her dark eyes. And Hicchan? Really...? I've never liked that name...
"Yep~! You're definitely~ a Hicchan!"
This is so confusing. I can't tell where Hakamichi ends and Misha starts...
Hakamichi makes a grouping of ecstatic hand gestur-
I swear I just heard her hands make a swoosh noise that time...
"Shicchan says you don't need to be so formal; Hakamichi is so~ stuffy... Shicchan will wo- Oh, sorry, may~be~ not~! She said just "Shizune" will work~!" Misha blares, using a voice that'd wake the dead in the snap of a finger if it were applied correctly. I look over at Shizune, and notice she has the remnants of a blush on her face; most like to be the result of Misha suggesting I call her Shicchan.
"We need to start on our worksheet so we can get done before class is over!" Misha says, her voice starting to wear on the ragged edges of my mind.
My temples lightly throb, but I push the pain off to the side and try to focus on the worksheet.
Thank God it's something I at least mostly know...
After what seems an eternity of working, eventually Mutou comes around to collect all the papers, leaving me with a satisfied feeling that Mutou seems to notice as he picks the worksheet up.
Shizune, however, does not seem to share my sense of accomplishment.
"You didn't pull your weight enough... Misha did more work than yo- Wait~, I'm Misha!" Misha grins, and I cringe lightly, expecting the oncomin-
"Wahahahahaha~!"
And there it is.
Gah. I don't think anyone can get used to that.
I almost wish I was dea-
On the other hand, no thanks...
The bell rings, a good ten minutes later, and I get up out of my chair, my head still throbbing a tad from the over-the-top "Wahahaha~!"ing, and head down to the beehive of a cafeteria.*
Trying my best to avoid the pairing, I awkwardly look about the cafeteria for an empty seat.
Good job Hisao, the only people you talked to are the people you're avoidi-
A notice a small group of people sitting near a window at a long table, nearly packed. A blond haired girl waves at me, then makes a gesture towards an empty seat nearby her. I take that as a hint to sit there, and graciously accept, walking over with my scarce tray.
Of the people there, I only recognize two of the faces. The two who, quite visibly, were whispering about me when I walked into Mutou's class.
This is gonna be interesting.
Well, here goes anything.
I step over to the table, my brow slightly sweaty, my throbbing headache somewhat unimportant, then sit down with my tray.
"Uh, hey. I never caught either of your names," I say, motioning towards the blond and the brunette.
The blonde speaks up, her brown eyes glancing up from her tray, her left hand holding a pair of stereotypical plastic chopsticks, which seem to be holding a piece of mystery meat, "I'm Naomi, my friend over there is Natsume!", she stops, pops the piece of mystery meat in her mouth, then speaks back up, "How's your first day of Yamaku going so far, Hisao?"
"Well, fine so far I suppose," I say, cracking the lid on my juice then opening the wrapper on the bread package, "Nothing too exciting, I'm glad to be back in the real world."
Naomi grins, accepting that answer and, thankfully, not wanting anything further about it.
After eating the bit of bread I had bought, I look around. There's, obviously, Naomi and Natsume sitting next to each other, then a few guys scattered around who must be in different classes, seeing as I've never met them before, and a quiet girl I'd have missed most likely if I hadn't been scanning the table.
She sits there, her right hand twirling a pen animatedly, staring at a floral printed notebook. Her left hand twirls wavy red hair around a finger, boredly.
A guy who had been sitting next to me leans a tad closer to me, and whispers in my ear, "Naomi's probably got a thing for you, man. She's b-" he's cut off by a swift kick to the shin, presumably from Naomi.
"Shut up Rai!" she yelps, obviously annoyed.
"You know I mean well! You're making yourself a victim, when in fact you yoursel-" Rai is, again, cut off with a stern grimace and a shin-kicking from Naomi.
"I said shut up!" she gives a pouty face to Rai.
"Oh fine, suit yourself Naomi, don't say I didn't try to help though."
"Did I miss something...?" I say.
Naomi and Natsume both quickly say, "Nothing at all!"
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Rai says, "Just Naomi's amusing love life."
"Ugh, I wonder why I put up with you sometimes..." she sighs.
After that hilarious ordeal, everyone takes to small talk and eating at their food.
"We should probably head back to our classes," I say, swallowing the last of the juice, "Not much time left now."
"Good point Hisao!" Naomi grabs both her and Natsume's tray, and taps the red haired girl on the shoulder, "Get your nose out of the story, Ayao, we're heading back to classes now."
"Wha-? Oh..." Ayao stumbles about herself, "Who's the guy?"
"Hisao, meet Ayao. She writes stories for the Newspaper Club," Naomi says.
"Nice to meet you, Ayao," I respond, then glance at Naomi and Natsume, "Well, I'm going, you two coming too?"
"Yes, yes, I'm coming. Calm yourself," Natsume says, then Naomi chimes in, "Yep! I'm coming!"
The pair grab their respective bags, then take off behind me, chattering listlessly about school-wide gossip. We reach the door, the rest of the class seated already, and I quickly walk to my chair next to Misha and Shizune.
"Wahahaha~! Did Hicchan already find some friends? Or were you avoiding me and Misha?" Shizune glares at me through her glasses, her gaze, and Misha's wording, point out she's not content with me.
Misha cups her hands together and whispers - at a normal person's speaking voice - in my ear,"Don't worry Hicchan, Shicchan's just jealous~!"
I turn and see Shizune drilling holes in the back of Misha's pink drills, waiting for her to translate what she just whispered in my ear.
She doesn't.
Shizune visually boils up, and just crosses her arms, staring at Misha.
The teacher walks in, and seconds later the bell rings, interrupting the stare down.
The afternoon's classes pass uneventfully, and I start walking back towards the library, taking the chance to look around. May as well pick up some reading material.
Walking through the hallways, I turn around a corner and hear the distinct sounds of keyboards and faint, familiar few giggles.
Part boredom, part curiosity, I follow the noise to a small office-looking area, with a large window allowing a peak to see Naomi, Natsume, Rai, and Ayao gathered around a desk, with Ayao sitting down clicking away and the rest watching the screen, stifling their laughter.
I take a step into the room, and wave at the group. Most everyone pays no heed, but Naomi nearly spit takes when she sees me.
"OhheyHisaoweweren'tjusttalkingabouty-" Naomi's quickly slurred words are stopped by Natsume nonchalantly kicking her in the shin, followed by Natsume putting a finger to her mouth.
"It okay if I stick around her a little while? I've not got much to do, and you all seem to be having fun," then quickly add, "I can leave if you're all busy."
Rai grins, and motions for me to stand next to him.
"We were just messing around with some pictures from the Yearbook Mockup..." he points to the picture of Misha and Shizune in Photoshopped military attire: The words "Deaf Charge and Drill Sergeant " written under it, with a mischievous cat-like grin drawn under it.
"That... That's hilarious..." I laugh, joining in with the others.
Not that bad of a first day.
(Just thought about this: Does Shizune take English classes? It'd be unfair if she were learning it as just the written language (Since Misha'd be translating what the teacher says for Shizune to JSL), and impossible for her to do the speaking part. Maybe she takes a special ESL class or something? Just thought about it because I thought about bringing in English Class.)
(Also, sorry if this is obscenely long or short, and laced with grammatical errors, it was written mostly on an iPad on a bumpy car ride to KY.)
(The Chapter title is a slightly sensible pun. Since their kinda... You'll get it next chapter.)
Last edited by Riakai on Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:39 pm, edited 4 times in total.
The only criticism I would offer is to delete the inline comment, or move it to the postscript. Other than that, I like the start.
Atta boy Hisao! Forced enthusiasm is still enthusiasm!
“Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.” - George Burns
I like all the girls in KS, but empathize with Hanako the most.
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." - Mark Twain
“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” - Winston Churchill
Checkout SordidEuphemism's Logo Thread.
I don't have much to say about the story itself, obviously, but it's nice to see a route for a girl who doesn't get much attention. Also, loved the writing. Hisao's internal monolouge was hilarious.
Good news is that it seems to have a lot of potential - granted, none of us have any idea what you're going to do with Naomi (or Natsume for that matter), but your treatment of Hisao - especially his internal monologue - is fresh enough to the point where I didn't really mind reading "Enter Stage Left" again, even after having read it 1,000 times. So kudos to you on that.
Mind you, this piece isn't really long enough to develop any legitimate concerns, but I do want to caution you against making Hisao too fresh. To the point where he's overtly smacking the reader across the face with what he's thinking. Hisao is a subtle guy- his actions and internal monologue illustrate what he's thinking and feeling. He's a complicated character with complicated feelings, and he's in danger of becoming a little one-dimensional here. For example:
But, in all my self-musings, prospective ideas, and all the other things that've came through my head about this... Cripple School... I never heavily thought on it. Over the last four months, I've not thought about anything, really. Just the book I put in front of my nose and occasionally my parents.
I worry that this is a little too on-the-nose for someone to think about themselves. "Welp, here's me, I'm starting out at a new school today and it's for cripples and oh here's a laundry list of my problems with it hold on let me name them for you" etc., etc. It's a case of show vs. tell. It'd be much better to describe Hisao's nervousness by having him comment on the sweatiness of his palms than it would be to have him say, "I'm just nervous, I guess." It's not that overt in your writing, but it's dangerously close.
My two cents. Something to keep in mind, I suppose. Or not.
forgetmenot wrote:
Mind you, this piece isn't really long enough to develop any legitimate concerns, but I do want to caution you against making Hisao too fresh. To the point where he's overtly smacking the reader across the face with what he's thinking. Hisao is a subtle guy- his actions and internal monologue illustrate what he's thinking and feeling. He's a complicated character with complicated feelings, and he's in danger of becoming a little one-dimensional here. For example:
But, in all my self-musings, prospective ideas, and all the other things that've came through my head about this... Cripple School... I never heavily thought on it. Over the last four months, I've not thought about anything, really. Just the book I put in front of my nose and occasionally my parents.
I worry that this is a little too on-the-nose for someone to think about themselves. "Welp, here's me, I'm starting out at a new school today and it's for cripples and oh here's a laundry list of my problems with it hold on let me name them for you" etc., etc. It's a case of show vs. tell. It'd be much better to describe Hisao's nervousness by having him comment on the sweatiness of his palms than it would be to have him say, "I'm just nervous, I guess." It's not that overt in your writing, but it's dangerously close.
My two cents. Something to keep in mind, I suppose. Or not.
Also:
Mutuo
It's Mutou.
I was worried about that too, that was one of the inline notes I removed, thanks for telling me, I'll make a conscious effort not to do that.
And damnit, I had almost knew I'd spelled his name wrong...
Again, thanks for the criticism; I appreciate the effort you put into yours especially~
