Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route] [on hold]

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monkeywitha6pack
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Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route] [on hold]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 12:48 am

Not giving up just yet, but I a, scrapping what I had/have so far to rework it
Last edited by monkeywitha6pack on Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:50 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Nov 23, 2013 4:35 am

It's an interesting concept - one I'm surprised nobody thought to write before except in one-shots... Colour me interested.
In fact this really feels like a string of one-shots so far. Given this is only the introduction that's not too bad, but keep it in mind for later.

Two things:

"A week before the festival" would mean on the first day Hisao got to Yamaku. He wouldn't have made any friends by then.

And towards the end you slipped into past tense for a while. The rest of the story was written in present tense.

Also a few typos and... strange word choices, but I don't have much time right now...
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Feurox » Sat Nov 23, 2013 9:26 am

Other than the intresting word choices, and the exesive use of "I" this is a good start? ;)

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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:17 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:It's an interesting concept - one I'm surprised nobody thought to write before except in one-shots... Colour me interested.
In fact this really feels like a string of one-shots so far. Given this is only the introduction that's not too bad, but keep it in mind for later.

Two things:

"A week before the festival" would mean on the first day Hisao got to Yamaku. He wouldn't have made any friends by then.

And towards the end you slipped into past tense for a while. The rest of the story was written in present tense.

Also a few typos and... strange word choices, but I don't have much time right now...
I spent a good hour searching online for some kind of time line, do you know of one? Ad thanks for the feedback I'll have my editor do a second check of it for mistakes :)
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Silentcook » Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:41 am

monkeywitha6pack wrote:Ad thanks for the feedback I'll have my editor do a second check of it for mistakes :)
Hello, am I speaking with monkeywitha6pack's editor? Yeah, you suck. Sentences lack punctuation, pacing is nonexistent, line breaks are all over the place. Start doing your job right so you can help him to do his job right.
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Mournful3ch0 » Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:46 am

Excellent idea, but the writing is very fast paced. Hisao's letter was a bit too informal and short for my tastes, I feel he should have elaborated a bit more on some subjects as Iwanako did, as meaningless of a drabble that may be. Possibly expound upon the meeting of Shizune and Misha or something.
story's
*stories. That one in particular bothered me.

Ok, I know Hisao is portrayed as fairly reckless with his medication but I don't recall a time where he purposely avoided taking his pills, he just tended to forget. The 'THUMP THUMP' bit is a bit overplayed for my tastes as well. Quite a few punctuation errors and missed capitalization littered throughout; you may want to consider enlisting the help of an editor.

The seven day timeskip was very jarring and didn't read very well. I wasn't prepared at all for a forray into the mind of Kenji immediately after writing a letter to Iwanako and then having a heart palpitation and blowing off seeing the Nurse.

All in all, I'm not sure if I like it. It has problems, but it also has a lot of potential. Hope this helps you out.
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by dewelar » Sat Nov 23, 2013 12:00 pm

monkeywitha6pack wrote:I spent a good hour searching online for some kind of time line, do you know of one? Ad thanks for the feedback I'll have my editor do a second check of it for mistakes :)
I went through a similar problem when I started my story. The only decent timeline I found is from this post by ProfAllister, and the number of events it covers is fairly small, although you can extrapolate a fair amount from those if you're willing to dig. If you have a specific event or events you want help placing, feel free to drop me a PM.
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Kyler Thatch » Sat Nov 23, 2013 12:06 pm

Okay, there's one really big problem that I can see here. (I mean, aside from spelling and grammar. But that's not what I want to focus on.)

You pretty much glossed over all the details. And for that reason, I simply cannot believe in this version of Hisao deciding to do the things he does. I look at his reply to Iwanako's letter, and the way he talks to her when she calls, and all the while I'm wondering whether this is really Hisao, or some doppelganger that took his name.

I think it would help if you used more words. What is Hisao thinking as he's reading the letter, at a time where he's barely had a chance to get used to living with his condition? After the way they drifted apart while he was still in the hospital, what makes him so eager to try to get back in touch with Iwanako? Too many important questions that were left unanswered. And not even in a cliffhangery way.

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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 12:19 pm

Well thanks for all the feedback people, I notice a lot of the issues nom grammatical come from me screwing up the time line. Originally I had this happen 3 days before the festival but I thought that would be pushing it to have the letter arrive to Iwanako so fast. On a different note, I think I need a new editor anyone willing to do it?
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 12:48 pm

dewelar wrote:
monkeywitha6pack wrote:I spent a good hour searching online for some kind of time line, do you know of one? Ad thanks for the feedback I'll have my editor do a second check of it for mistakes :)
I went through a similar problem when I started my story. The only decent timeline I found is from this post by ProfAllister, and the number of events it covers is fairly small, although you can extrapolate a fair amount from those if you're willing to dig. If you have a specific event or events you want help placing, feel free to drop me a PM.
I actually tried to use that but the festival really wasn't mentioned in it
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Blasphemy » Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:00 pm

I think you should really take a look at this stickied thread: Tips for fanfiction writers (that means YOU). I think that thread covers a lot of the things you're not doing right so far.

Right now all I can say is that while I'm interested in the premise the execution just isn't on an enjoyable level. I especially dislike how heavily Hisao's actions differ and you simply do not provide any reason for this change of behavior. It's also really important to get the rough timeline right so we know where Hisao actually stands right now. I understand you don't quite know when the festival actually occurs, but you also don't give any indication to the VN events that happened beforehand.

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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by dewelar » Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:03 pm

monkeywitha6pack wrote:
dewelar wrote:
monkeywitha6pack wrote:I spent a good hour searching online for some kind of time line, do you know of one? Ad thanks for the feedback I'll have my editor do a second check of it for mistakes :)
I went through a similar problem when I started my story. The only decent timeline I found is from this post by ProfAllister, and the number of events it covers is fairly small, although you can extrapolate a fair amount from those if you're willing to dig. If you have a specific event or events you want help placing, feel free to drop me a PM.
I actually tried to use that but the festival really wasn't mentioned in it
Yeah, that's where the digging comes in. We know from the VN that the Yamaku festival is the first Sunday after Hisao arrives. We also know that the 8th of June is a Friday (can't remember the scene off the top of my head, but it tracks with the game taking place in 2007), and thus the festival is on 6/10. Extrapolating further, we can, for instance, place the track meet on 6/17 (and therefore the picnic and Emi running in the rain on 6/24), and so on.
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:19 pm

I read the tips thing atleast five times before posting this, and a) this is the first chapter you can't expect everything to be explained or brought up. The next chapter talks all about the events before this starts and a few after that explains why Hisao is acting different, you gotta give me a chance to actually start the story before being upset when things aren't explained in detail
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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by Blasphemy » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:01 pm

Well that's partially because of the ludicrously fast pacing you set up in the first chapter already.

And dialog like this:
"Hello?"
"H-H-Hisao...?" I can hear a shy trembling voice
"Iwanako? Is that you?"
"Y-yes, it's good to h-hear your voice again."
"It's great to talk again" smooth Hisao real smooth "Are you ok, you sound worried" even more smooth
"I'm s-sorry I-I'm just nervous t-that's all"
"It ok, don't be sorry I'm nervous too... How's school going?"
Is one of the first things mentioned in that tips topic, that's why I recommended it. Anyway, I don't intend to discourage you, just offering some feedback.

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Re: Two halves make a whole [Iwanako pseudo route]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:12 pm

I know. And I know just what your talking about from the tips and its the one thing I could figure out, but any way I have two editors going through it now and they are going to correct any mistakes and such the I'll have them go through the 2 chapter and edit that and have it up sometime soon, the first and second chapter were supposed to be one chapter but I was worried about the size so I split it and now it doesn't read as well apart
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