Hey all. I've been attempting to get back into writing more regularly as of late, and these are those efforts. Nothing terribly long until I get back into the swing of things, but short scenes so I can continue to flex my muscles and maybe get in the proper headspace for a longer venture.
As with everyone here, comment and critique is more than welcome. I'd highly appreciate it. Thank you.
Contents:
Halo. [Emi]
Fish. [Rin]
Stroganoff. [Hanako]
A Series of Short Stories
A Series of Short Stories
Last edited by Tend on Thu Oct 31, 2013 8:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Halo.
-
“We're here!” Hisao shut off the car and fell back into his seat slightly. He was still new to this driving thing, and it had taken two hours of dedicated traveling to get here. For most people, that would be enough to take the wind out of their sails, if only temporarily. Not for his companion, though.
“What're you slacking off for? Do you need to take a nap?” Grinning madly, Emi prodded his shoulder with her finger. “C'moooooon! We've got amusements to park! Sleep later!”
Tired as he was, her good mood was infectious. Hisao found himself playing along. “Wait... I get to sleep later? I thought you were staying over – since when do you let me sleep?”
A smack to the arm and a pout were his reward. “I don't recall hearing you complain before.” It was only a matter of seconds before the pout collapsed into a giggle and a peck on the cheek. “Buuuuuut, you're not wrong either. But enough about tonight! Let's go!”
With that, Hisao found himself alone in the car, the door slamming loudly as the fastest thing on no legs lived up to her name. He clambered out and peered around, trying to fi- Oh, was that her? There was a small figure with a green tank-top and brown shorts. Had to be. She was already at the end of the row. Taking this as a sign of her birthday present being appreciated, he shrugged and jogged after her.
The park sat on top of a rather large hill, and it was said that the top of the Ferris wheel had the best view for miles around. However, the tradeoff of that was the entrance – or rather, the stairs leading to the entrance. It was these that Hisao found himself halfway up just a few minutes later, breathing hard and wishing that his girlfriend had never asked to come here. Or that he'd not remembered that, months later. Or something. Anything that would make these stairs end.
Looking up to the peak, he saw two things: first, that there were a scant few dozen steps left, and second, the small head of hair pulled into twintails and peering down at him. Making eye contact with her, Emi's face split into a smile. “Hurry up, Hisao! We've got a lot to do!” She darted back over the edge, and Hisao found himself shrugging and jogging when he really didn't want to yet again.
Cresting the hill, Hisao was greeted with a view that made it all worth it – The lights and sounds and smells of the park hit him all at once, forming a halo thrown into the air around them. At the center, framed by it all, stood Emi. Her back to him, she seemed small and innocent, just a girl. When she turned and their eyes met, though, the illusion was broken. She was small, yes; innocent, arguably.
Just a girl? Not a chance. She'd never again be just a girl.
She smiled softly and held her hand out to Hisao.
“C'mon, slowpoke. You've been keeping me waiting.”
He laughed and took her hand into his own.
“I'd never keep you waiting, Emi.”
-
“We're here!” Hisao shut off the car and fell back into his seat slightly. He was still new to this driving thing, and it had taken two hours of dedicated traveling to get here. For most people, that would be enough to take the wind out of their sails, if only temporarily. Not for his companion, though.
“What're you slacking off for? Do you need to take a nap?” Grinning madly, Emi prodded his shoulder with her finger. “C'moooooon! We've got amusements to park! Sleep later!”
Tired as he was, her good mood was infectious. Hisao found himself playing along. “Wait... I get to sleep later? I thought you were staying over – since when do you let me sleep?”
A smack to the arm and a pout were his reward. “I don't recall hearing you complain before.” It was only a matter of seconds before the pout collapsed into a giggle and a peck on the cheek. “Buuuuuut, you're not wrong either. But enough about tonight! Let's go!”
With that, Hisao found himself alone in the car, the door slamming loudly as the fastest thing on no legs lived up to her name. He clambered out and peered around, trying to fi- Oh, was that her? There was a small figure with a green tank-top and brown shorts. Had to be. She was already at the end of the row. Taking this as a sign of her birthday present being appreciated, he shrugged and jogged after her.
The park sat on top of a rather large hill, and it was said that the top of the Ferris wheel had the best view for miles around. However, the tradeoff of that was the entrance – or rather, the stairs leading to the entrance. It was these that Hisao found himself halfway up just a few minutes later, breathing hard and wishing that his girlfriend had never asked to come here. Or that he'd not remembered that, months later. Or something. Anything that would make these stairs end.
Looking up to the peak, he saw two things: first, that there were a scant few dozen steps left, and second, the small head of hair pulled into twintails and peering down at him. Making eye contact with her, Emi's face split into a smile. “Hurry up, Hisao! We've got a lot to do!” She darted back over the edge, and Hisao found himself shrugging and jogging when he really didn't want to yet again.
Cresting the hill, Hisao was greeted with a view that made it all worth it – The lights and sounds and smells of the park hit him all at once, forming a halo thrown into the air around them. At the center, framed by it all, stood Emi. Her back to him, she seemed small and innocent, just a girl. When she turned and their eyes met, though, the illusion was broken. She was small, yes; innocent, arguably.
Just a girl? Not a chance. She'd never again be just a girl.
She smiled softly and held her hand out to Hisao.
“C'mon, slowpoke. You've been keeping me waiting.”
He laughed and took her hand into his own.
“I'd never keep you waiting, Emi.”
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Fish.
-
*Thunk.*
Rin brought her head to rest against the glass of the fishtank with a noticeable thud, jerking Hisao out of his reverie.
“Hey, you aren't supposed to knock on the glass, Rin. Didn't you see the signs?”
She was silent for a moment before responding, never once moving from her new position. “I did. But I'm not knocking on the glass. I'm resting my head there. I wouldn't want to disturb the fish, so I didn't knock.” She turned slightly so her ear was pressed into the glass, and fixed Hisao with a quizzical glance. “I wouldn't like it very much if fish knocked on my window at Yamaku. Why would I do that to them?”
She turned back without even waiting for a response – not that one was forthcoming. He was used to her logic, and hadn't expected his admonishment to warrant a reply at all. They stood at a corner of the aquarium that wasn't particularly popular with the crowds, populated exclusively with octopuses and local saltwater fish as it was. But it was where Rin had wanted to be, and so they were there.
It made for a lonely area, secluded as it was from the hustle and bustle of the crowds by a combination of pillars, exhibits, and walls. The silence settled around them like a blanket, wrapping them in it's folds and deadening the world outside of the two of them. The silence was omnipresent, but never oppressive. There was more to be said in nothing than one might think, and the two teenagers were a master of this language.
They might have stood that way forever, lost in each of their thoughts, and in each other's thoughts, if a particularly inquisitive octopus came up to the glass in front of Rin, arms waving in the slight current. Its momentary curiosity about the voyeurs fleeing, it turned and swam off.
“Do you think they ever ask what it's like?”
Her voice caught Hisao off-guard, and he started slightly. “Does who ever ask what what's like?”
“The fish. Do you think they ever ask?” She waggled a stump half-heartedly, eyes still fixed on the waters in front of her. “The octopi. Do they ever ask them what it's like to have arms?”
He thought about it for a moment, but finally shook his head. “I don't think so. How would they ask?”
“They speak fish, of course. That's easy, Hisao.”
Her comment was rewarded with a warm chuckle. “Of course, I hadn't thought of that. But, how would the octopuses explain it, then?” His mood sobered quickly, as he realized where the question had been leading. “How would anyone explain that?”
He looked down – first at the floor, and then at his hands. Turning his palms up, he studied the lines in them carefully, trying to commit them to memory. Turning them over, his eyes glanced over every hair on their backs, over every freckle and callus, every imperfection of the skin.
Satisfied with his investigation – or perhaps unsatisfied, but incapable of the level of dissection he craved; he wasn't sure – he fluttered his fingers and clenched them into a fist, feeling the tendons and muscles contract all the way up his forearm.
He looked up at Rin, and was met by her returning his gaze. So consumed with his own thoughts, he hadn't even noticed her turning to watch him, her eyes taking in every action. Deep green pools, he allowed himself to be lost in them as he had been in his own hands.
“They can't.” Her voice cracked slightly – as if she hadn't swallowed, or even breathed for several minutes.
She turned her head away from Hisao, and back into the tank, following a school of tuna with her eyes.
“I wonder if the fish have ever tried to paint. Maybe they could dip their fins in the paint.”
She shook her head, answering her own question before Hisao could even register it as such.
“No, where would you put a mural underwater? It would wash away.”
Rin turned away from the tank, her eyes oddly misty, and walked slowly over to Hisao before pressing her face into his chest in a manner he had come to know as a hug. He granted her request, and enfolded her in his arms.
They stood like that for several moments, just long enough for the blanket of silence to approach, before Rin broke it again. “I think I'm done looking at fish today, Hisao. I thought I might be one, but I don't think fish can paint.”
Her brow furrowed and she stepped out of his grasp, looking down at her feet. Wiggling each toe experimentally, she looked back up at him with a frown. “If I couldn't paint, I don't know what I would be. Maybe a fish.”
Shaking the cobwebs of thought out of her head, she caught Hisao's gaze yet again and smiled sadly. “Maybe I'd be a fish. But I can paint, so I'm Rin. And I would like to go home, Hisao. Can we go home?”
-
*Thunk.*
Rin brought her head to rest against the glass of the fishtank with a noticeable thud, jerking Hisao out of his reverie.
“Hey, you aren't supposed to knock on the glass, Rin. Didn't you see the signs?”
She was silent for a moment before responding, never once moving from her new position. “I did. But I'm not knocking on the glass. I'm resting my head there. I wouldn't want to disturb the fish, so I didn't knock.” She turned slightly so her ear was pressed into the glass, and fixed Hisao with a quizzical glance. “I wouldn't like it very much if fish knocked on my window at Yamaku. Why would I do that to them?”
She turned back without even waiting for a response – not that one was forthcoming. He was used to her logic, and hadn't expected his admonishment to warrant a reply at all. They stood at a corner of the aquarium that wasn't particularly popular with the crowds, populated exclusively with octopuses and local saltwater fish as it was. But it was where Rin had wanted to be, and so they were there.
It made for a lonely area, secluded as it was from the hustle and bustle of the crowds by a combination of pillars, exhibits, and walls. The silence settled around them like a blanket, wrapping them in it's folds and deadening the world outside of the two of them. The silence was omnipresent, but never oppressive. There was more to be said in nothing than one might think, and the two teenagers were a master of this language.
They might have stood that way forever, lost in each of their thoughts, and in each other's thoughts, if a particularly inquisitive octopus came up to the glass in front of Rin, arms waving in the slight current. Its momentary curiosity about the voyeurs fleeing, it turned and swam off.
“Do you think they ever ask what it's like?”
Her voice caught Hisao off-guard, and he started slightly. “Does who ever ask what what's like?”
“The fish. Do you think they ever ask?” She waggled a stump half-heartedly, eyes still fixed on the waters in front of her. “The octopi. Do they ever ask them what it's like to have arms?”
He thought about it for a moment, but finally shook his head. “I don't think so. How would they ask?”
“They speak fish, of course. That's easy, Hisao.”
Her comment was rewarded with a warm chuckle. “Of course, I hadn't thought of that. But, how would the octopuses explain it, then?” His mood sobered quickly, as he realized where the question had been leading. “How would anyone explain that?”
He looked down – first at the floor, and then at his hands. Turning his palms up, he studied the lines in them carefully, trying to commit them to memory. Turning them over, his eyes glanced over every hair on their backs, over every freckle and callus, every imperfection of the skin.
Satisfied with his investigation – or perhaps unsatisfied, but incapable of the level of dissection he craved; he wasn't sure – he fluttered his fingers and clenched them into a fist, feeling the tendons and muscles contract all the way up his forearm.
He looked up at Rin, and was met by her returning his gaze. So consumed with his own thoughts, he hadn't even noticed her turning to watch him, her eyes taking in every action. Deep green pools, he allowed himself to be lost in them as he had been in his own hands.
“They can't.” Her voice cracked slightly – as if she hadn't swallowed, or even breathed for several minutes.
She turned her head away from Hisao, and back into the tank, following a school of tuna with her eyes.
“I wonder if the fish have ever tried to paint. Maybe they could dip their fins in the paint.”
She shook her head, answering her own question before Hisao could even register it as such.
“No, where would you put a mural underwater? It would wash away.”
Rin turned away from the tank, her eyes oddly misty, and walked slowly over to Hisao before pressing her face into his chest in a manner he had come to know as a hug. He granted her request, and enfolded her in his arms.
They stood like that for several moments, just long enough for the blanket of silence to approach, before Rin broke it again. “I think I'm done looking at fish today, Hisao. I thought I might be one, but I don't think fish can paint.”
Her brow furrowed and she stepped out of his grasp, looking down at her feet. Wiggling each toe experimentally, she looked back up at him with a frown. “If I couldn't paint, I don't know what I would be. Maybe a fish.”
Shaking the cobwebs of thought out of her head, she caught Hisao's gaze yet again and smiled sadly. “Maybe I'd be a fish. But I can paint, so I'm Rin. And I would like to go home, Hisao. Can we go home?”
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Stroganoff.
-
The grocery bags hit the kitchen table with a muted thud, and Hanako hit the chair next to her with much the same sound. She'd had to walk all over town to get the ingredients for this dish – why did Hisao's favorite food have to be some weird western dish she'd never heard of? - but she'd found them. It'd been... Hard. She did it, though! She went out all by herself and didn't have a panic attack. It was for him - there was nothing she couldn't do if it wasn't for him. Sighing, Hanako let the stress of the trip roll off her shoulders as she lazily sifted through the things on top of the table, seeking out the recipe she'd printed off earlier.
Finding it, she pulled it over and began to flip through it. 'Beef stroganoff.' She'd never heard of it, but looking through the ingredients – beef, noodles, cream – it seemed pretty basic. Just beef laid over noodles and mushrooms in a cream sauce. She could see why it was his favorite. Not that he had any idea that she knew, or that she was making it.
That's what birthday surprises were for!
She looked up at the clock. She had a few hours before Hisao got home, more than enough time for the cooking, so she started to set up the apartment.
-
Several hours later, she dusted her hands off and triumphantly placed them on her hips. She'd managed to finish almost her entire to-do list.
Apartment cleaned: Check.
Table set: Check.
Candles lit and placed throughout the house: Check.
Music playing softly in the background: Check.
Present wrapped and placed on the table: Check.
She was getting pretty good at this homemaking stuff. She'd make a good wife someday, if she said so herself. That line of thought brought with it a mental image of Hisao proposing, causing her to blush and giggle to herself nervously. That, in turn, brought a thought of her in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle.
Everyone looking at her.
Everyone looking at her sc-
Hanako bustled over to the bags, preventing herself from finishing that thought by rifling through her purchases and setting them out on the table with far more care and order than was warranted. She was getting better. She was better. But everyone had low points, and she was no different. And that's all it was, low points.
-
“Hana! I'm home!”
The door shut with a soft click, quickly followed by the satisfying clack of the deadbolt being drawn. Sighing in relief, Hisao rolled his shoulders and hung up his coat on the hangers, allowing his bag to fall to rest on the floor. He'd take care of it later.
Swapping his shoes out for house slippers, he rounded the corner to the kitchen and face-first into a sobbing Hanako flinging her arms around his neck.
“Oh god, Hisaaaaaao....” She blubbered into his neck. “I'm sorry! I'm sorry i'm sorry i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry! Iwasgoingtomakeyoudinnerforyourbirthdayandiscreweditupandi'msorry!”
Used to the routine, Hisao shushed her and stroked her hair softly until she calmed down. “Hana, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry.” He pulled her away slightly and kissed her on the forehead before smiling lopsidedly. “However, I didn't catch a word of that. Whatever it is, the apartment's still standing, so I doubt it's that bad. Slow down and try again?”
She flushed dark red and took a few deep breaths, her voice quavering and weak. “Well, y-you know... It's y-your birthday... A-And you told me t-that your favorite f-food was beef st-st-stroganoff so I was going to make it and I messed it up and now we don't have anything to eat and IruinedyourbirthdayandI'msosorrypleasedon'thatemeHisaooooooooo!”
The end of her sentence was quickly overtaken by frantic sobs yet again, less from her emotional turmoil and more out of an effort to excrete her anxiety in any way she could, to empty herself of it so she could be functional again. Hisao was again used to the routine, and quietly held her as her sobbing slowed.
He took that moment to examine the scene before him. The table was set, candles were lit, and the entire apartment was spotless. On the center of the table sat a small box, the wrapping paper and bow implying that it was for him to open later that night. However, the most important thing in the room sat on top of the stove – a small pan, smoking slightly. The burner seemed to be off, and there was no damage that he could see. All told, not that bad.
Hanako had regained her composure, such that it was, by now, and stepped away from him slightly, still sniffling and looking abashed. “I'm sorry about your birthday. I just wanted it to be special.” Her eyes were glued to the space between her feet, not even able to make eye contact with the love of her life out of shame.
So of course she was caught totally off guard when Hisao's arms swept around her and warm lips were pressed firmly to her own. She let herself fall into the feeling, kissing back passionately for a second before remembering that she was ashamed and pulling away tentatively. Hisao's grin greeted her when she finally looked at him.
“It's far from ruined, Hana. You're here, and you thought enough of me to do all this for me. That's the furthest thing from ruined that I can think of.” He lead her over to the table and urged her to sit down, before rifling through the cabinets next to her. “We've got ramen in here. Let's have that tonight, we'll have a special dinner another night.” Hisao's eyes poked out from the inside of the cabinet. “Or we can skip dinner tonight.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing Hanako to turn even redder than before and laugh.
This laughter wasn't born of nerves, or anxiety. It was genuine mirth – Hisao was hamming it up on purpose, clowning around for her benefit. Ordinarily, that would make her more self-conscious, that someone was modifying their behaviour to suit her, but... Hisao was different. When he did it... It helped.
It helped a lot.
So she giggled again and played along, reaching forward to gently pinch his bottom – her giggle gaining volume when he hit his head on the top of the cabinet in surprise and giving him a lascivious stage wink when he looked back at her accusingly.
It wasn't something she would have done before meeting him. It wasn't even something she could have thought of doing. She'd be mortified about it in the morning. But until then, it was Hisao's birthday. And life was good.
She sighed and got up, going over and deftly pulling out the twin packets of ramen that had somehow eluded her boyfriend's detection despite being right under his nose. Ushering him back to the table to sit and open his present – a first edition of Life of Pi, not that he knew that – she grabbed another pot. Over at the stove, she started the ramen boiling, and came face to face with her earlier failed attempt at dinner.
She looked at it for a second, pensive. Not paralyzed, like she might have been once upon a time, but merely pensive. Then the spell was broken, and the burnt contents of the pan were thrown out without a second thought.
She didn't need to worry about it. Life was good.
-
The grocery bags hit the kitchen table with a muted thud, and Hanako hit the chair next to her with much the same sound. She'd had to walk all over town to get the ingredients for this dish – why did Hisao's favorite food have to be some weird western dish she'd never heard of? - but she'd found them. It'd been... Hard. She did it, though! She went out all by herself and didn't have a panic attack. It was for him - there was nothing she couldn't do if it wasn't for him. Sighing, Hanako let the stress of the trip roll off her shoulders as she lazily sifted through the things on top of the table, seeking out the recipe she'd printed off earlier.
Finding it, she pulled it over and began to flip through it. 'Beef stroganoff.' She'd never heard of it, but looking through the ingredients – beef, noodles, cream – it seemed pretty basic. Just beef laid over noodles and mushrooms in a cream sauce. She could see why it was his favorite. Not that he had any idea that she knew, or that she was making it.
That's what birthday surprises were for!
She looked up at the clock. She had a few hours before Hisao got home, more than enough time for the cooking, so she started to set up the apartment.
-
Several hours later, she dusted her hands off and triumphantly placed them on her hips. She'd managed to finish almost her entire to-do list.
Apartment cleaned: Check.
Table set: Check.
Candles lit and placed throughout the house: Check.
Music playing softly in the background: Check.
Present wrapped and placed on the table: Check.
She was getting pretty good at this homemaking stuff. She'd make a good wife someday, if she said so herself. That line of thought brought with it a mental image of Hisao proposing, causing her to blush and giggle to herself nervously. That, in turn, brought a thought of her in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle.
Everyone looking at her.
Everyone looking at her sc-
Hanako bustled over to the bags, preventing herself from finishing that thought by rifling through her purchases and setting them out on the table with far more care and order than was warranted. She was getting better. She was better. But everyone had low points, and she was no different. And that's all it was, low points.
-
“Hana! I'm home!”
The door shut with a soft click, quickly followed by the satisfying clack of the deadbolt being drawn. Sighing in relief, Hisao rolled his shoulders and hung up his coat on the hangers, allowing his bag to fall to rest on the floor. He'd take care of it later.
Swapping his shoes out for house slippers, he rounded the corner to the kitchen and face-first into a sobbing Hanako flinging her arms around his neck.
“Oh god, Hisaaaaaao....” She blubbered into his neck. “I'm sorry! I'm sorry i'm sorry i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry! Iwasgoingtomakeyoudinnerforyourbirthdayandiscreweditupandi'msorry!”
Used to the routine, Hisao shushed her and stroked her hair softly until she calmed down. “Hana, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry.” He pulled her away slightly and kissed her on the forehead before smiling lopsidedly. “However, I didn't catch a word of that. Whatever it is, the apartment's still standing, so I doubt it's that bad. Slow down and try again?”
She flushed dark red and took a few deep breaths, her voice quavering and weak. “Well, y-you know... It's y-your birthday... A-And you told me t-that your favorite f-food was beef st-st-stroganoff so I was going to make it and I messed it up and now we don't have anything to eat and IruinedyourbirthdayandI'msosorrypleasedon'thatemeHisaooooooooo!”
The end of her sentence was quickly overtaken by frantic sobs yet again, less from her emotional turmoil and more out of an effort to excrete her anxiety in any way she could, to empty herself of it so she could be functional again. Hisao was again used to the routine, and quietly held her as her sobbing slowed.
He took that moment to examine the scene before him. The table was set, candles were lit, and the entire apartment was spotless. On the center of the table sat a small box, the wrapping paper and bow implying that it was for him to open later that night. However, the most important thing in the room sat on top of the stove – a small pan, smoking slightly. The burner seemed to be off, and there was no damage that he could see. All told, not that bad.
Hanako had regained her composure, such that it was, by now, and stepped away from him slightly, still sniffling and looking abashed. “I'm sorry about your birthday. I just wanted it to be special.” Her eyes were glued to the space between her feet, not even able to make eye contact with the love of her life out of shame.
So of course she was caught totally off guard when Hisao's arms swept around her and warm lips were pressed firmly to her own. She let herself fall into the feeling, kissing back passionately for a second before remembering that she was ashamed and pulling away tentatively. Hisao's grin greeted her when she finally looked at him.
“It's far from ruined, Hana. You're here, and you thought enough of me to do all this for me. That's the furthest thing from ruined that I can think of.” He lead her over to the table and urged her to sit down, before rifling through the cabinets next to her. “We've got ramen in here. Let's have that tonight, we'll have a special dinner another night.” Hisao's eyes poked out from the inside of the cabinet. “Or we can skip dinner tonight.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing Hanako to turn even redder than before and laugh.
This laughter wasn't born of nerves, or anxiety. It was genuine mirth – Hisao was hamming it up on purpose, clowning around for her benefit. Ordinarily, that would make her more self-conscious, that someone was modifying their behaviour to suit her, but... Hisao was different. When he did it... It helped.
It helped a lot.
So she giggled again and played along, reaching forward to gently pinch his bottom – her giggle gaining volume when he hit his head on the top of the cabinet in surprise and giving him a lascivious stage wink when he looked back at her accusingly.
It wasn't something she would have done before meeting him. It wasn't even something she could have thought of doing. She'd be mortified about it in the morning. But until then, it was Hisao's birthday. And life was good.
She sighed and got up, going over and deftly pulling out the twin packets of ramen that had somehow eluded her boyfriend's detection despite being right under his nose. Ushering him back to the table to sit and open his present – a first edition of Life of Pi, not that he knew that – she grabbed another pot. Over at the stove, she started the ramen boiling, and came face to face with her earlier failed attempt at dinner.
She looked at it for a second, pensive. Not paralyzed, like she might have been once upon a time, but merely pensive. Then the spell was broken, and the burnt contents of the pan were thrown out without a second thought.
She didn't need to worry about it. Life was good.
-
Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6213
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Halo is a nice story, but it doesn't seem to have a point. It's just five random minutes of a Hisao X Emi relationship.
Fish is better in that regard, but it does have a few grammatical problems:
Also, Rin seems a bit... off in this story - at times more Rin-like than the original at other times less so.
Stroganoff
All said, I like the third one best.
Fish is better in that regard, but it does have a few grammatical problems:
"its"The silence settled around them like a blanket, wrapping them in it's folds
Tense does not fit and also probably missing a negation. So... "if an octopus hadn't come..."?They might have stood that way forever,..., if a particularly inquisitive octopus came up to the glass in front of Rin, arms waving in the slight current.
I know both versions are generally accepted in English, but I find it strange that Rin would use the faux-latin version.octopi vs. octopuses
You can meet a gaze with your own, but I'm not sure you yourself can be met by one...He looked up at Rin, and was met by her returning his gaze.
You can't "turn your head into a tank." (Except if you're Bludgeon)She turned her head away from Hisao, and back into the tank
Also, Rin seems a bit... off in this story - at times more Rin-like than the original at other times less so.
Stroganoff
too much negation herethere was nothing she couldn't do if it wasn't for him.
I would be nervous placing lit candles around the house. I can't imagine Hanako doing it.Candles lit and placed throughout the house: Check.
missing a verb here.he rounded the corner to the kitchen and _____ face-first into a sobbing Hanako flinging her arms around his neck.
She did? A few lines earlier you wrote she finished almost everything. Seems you forgot to write the part where she "messed it up."Iwasgoingtomakeyoudinnerforyourbirthdayandiscreweditupandi'msorry!”
All said, I like the third one best.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
I should have specified - these three stories, and the ones I'm working on now, were based off of prompts given to me by KSG. I think it was "Hisao and Emi go to an amusement park", "Hisao and Rin go to the aquarium", and "Hanako cooks for Hisao", in order.
But thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it.
But thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
I thoroughly enjoyed those- it's funny how something so ordinary as two people going to an amusement park or an aquarium, or a person cooking for someone else can so intriguing- but it was, so good work sir. 
Ce ne sont pas une signature.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Not too bad.
The Emi story seemed like the first half of what should be a longer story though. It stops before anything actually happens. Hanako's story works the best out of the three, but I've never cared for stories that repeatedly refer to Hanako as "Hana" and her appology feels a bit more like Yuuko dialogue than Hanako dialog but otherwise the thing works well.
The Emi story seemed like the first half of what should be a longer story though. It stops before anything actually happens. Hanako's story works the best out of the three, but I've never cared for stories that repeatedly refer to Hanako as "Hana" and her appology feels a bit more like Yuuko dialogue than Hanako dialog but otherwise the thing works well.
Not Dead Yet
Re: A Series of Short Stories
So I'm back after a bit. Wrote one or two new things from more random prompts from KSG, so I might as well post them here and get some more feedback on it. Forgot how much I enjoyed writing.
Blind Drunk
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(Prompt: Akira takes Lilly out drinking for her 21st.)
I clung to Akira's arm slightly tighter as she opened the door. I wasn't expecting just how loud the room would sound, though I couldn't have told you why - I'd been to bars before. Just not to drink. And not to drink with my sister, so that might have been it. By all accounts, she was a seasoned veteran. I'd split a bottle of wine or four with Hanako and Hisao. I had nothing to worry about - or so I told myself.
I felt my hand being placed on a seat, ostensibly next to a table. "C'mon sis, have a seat. I'll be right back. What're you drinking?"
I placed a finger on my lips in thought for a second before falling back to safe ground. "A glass of wine to start, then I suppose I'll let you pick something for me." I smiled nervously. "I am placing a bit of trust in you here, Akira."
This was greeted with a chuckle I wanted to call 'warm', but more aptly could be called 'worrisome'. "You are indeed, sister of mine. Thankfully, you have me to look out for you!"
--
We clink glasses and I take a careful sip of mine. A good red wine. I think. I don't actually know all that much about wine, but it tasted good and it tasted more expensive than the wine I'd had before, so it must be good. "So, now that I've got you all liquored up..." I pause in my drinking and look quizzically at Akira. "When are you and that boy tying the knot?"
I choke on my mouthful of wine for a second before recovering. "W-what? I mean, huh? We've... We've only been dating for a few years now! That's, that's hardly proper, Akira!"
She snorts. "Please. You can't tell me that you haven't been thinking about it and planning it out for months now. Probably a year." I would never admit it, but she was right. I'd been dreaming about getting married since I was a little girl. And the fact that it was Hisao... How could I not?
I must have started to blush, because Akira began giggling uncontrollably. "I knew it. Now finish that wine. There's a glass of scotch next to it with your name on it. Then," She leaned forward, setting her elbows on the table and causing it to shift slightly. "You can tell me all about that wedding."
Smirking, I finished the glass, and reached for the next.
--
"Hey! Back off, creep!" There was a loud thud and a cry of pain - a man, by the sound of it. I giggled for the fifth time in a row, the heat in my cheeks very distracting. Akira grunted and cracked her knuckles, hissing slightly.
"That's the third one in the last hour. Remind me never to let you out of my sight again, okay?" She sighed, and I could hear the frown on her face.
"B-but what about *hic* Hisao? He'd *hic* protect me!" I swayed slightly in my seat, and scowled at the snort that I heard in response, placing my hand on the table for balance. Or, that is, I tried to - I knocked a few of the empty glasses in front of me over in the process.
"That boy couldn't protect a fly from another, weaker fly. Nope, afraid you're going to be locked away in a tower as soon as you sober up. It's the only solution." I give up on the obviously ineffective scowl and switch to a pout, attempting to catch her off guard. "Fine! Fine! Cut it out with the cute faces, I don't want to set a new record for bar fights in defense of my sister's honor. You can hang out with Hisao. And Hanako. But that's it!"
I giggle and smile at her. I think. It might have been slightly to her left, I couldn't be sure. "Thanks, Akira! You're far too kind."
"Yeah yeah." She fell into indecipherable grumbling, something that sounded suspiciously like 'guys around here never give me this much attention' before her posture changes and I can hear the smile return to her voice. "You want another drink, girl?"
Blind Drunk
-
(Prompt: Akira takes Lilly out drinking for her 21st.)
I clung to Akira's arm slightly tighter as she opened the door. I wasn't expecting just how loud the room would sound, though I couldn't have told you why - I'd been to bars before. Just not to drink. And not to drink with my sister, so that might have been it. By all accounts, she was a seasoned veteran. I'd split a bottle of wine or four with Hanako and Hisao. I had nothing to worry about - or so I told myself.
I felt my hand being placed on a seat, ostensibly next to a table. "C'mon sis, have a seat. I'll be right back. What're you drinking?"
I placed a finger on my lips in thought for a second before falling back to safe ground. "A glass of wine to start, then I suppose I'll let you pick something for me." I smiled nervously. "I am placing a bit of trust in you here, Akira."
This was greeted with a chuckle I wanted to call 'warm', but more aptly could be called 'worrisome'. "You are indeed, sister of mine. Thankfully, you have me to look out for you!"
--
We clink glasses and I take a careful sip of mine. A good red wine. I think. I don't actually know all that much about wine, but it tasted good and it tasted more expensive than the wine I'd had before, so it must be good. "So, now that I've got you all liquored up..." I pause in my drinking and look quizzically at Akira. "When are you and that boy tying the knot?"
I choke on my mouthful of wine for a second before recovering. "W-what? I mean, huh? We've... We've only been dating for a few years now! That's, that's hardly proper, Akira!"
She snorts. "Please. You can't tell me that you haven't been thinking about it and planning it out for months now. Probably a year." I would never admit it, but she was right. I'd been dreaming about getting married since I was a little girl. And the fact that it was Hisao... How could I not?
I must have started to blush, because Akira began giggling uncontrollably. "I knew it. Now finish that wine. There's a glass of scotch next to it with your name on it. Then," She leaned forward, setting her elbows on the table and causing it to shift slightly. "You can tell me all about that wedding."
Smirking, I finished the glass, and reached for the next.
--
"Hey! Back off, creep!" There was a loud thud and a cry of pain - a man, by the sound of it. I giggled for the fifth time in a row, the heat in my cheeks very distracting. Akira grunted and cracked her knuckles, hissing slightly.
"That's the third one in the last hour. Remind me never to let you out of my sight again, okay?" She sighed, and I could hear the frown on her face.
"B-but what about *hic* Hisao? He'd *hic* protect me!" I swayed slightly in my seat, and scowled at the snort that I heard in response, placing my hand on the table for balance. Or, that is, I tried to - I knocked a few of the empty glasses in front of me over in the process.
"That boy couldn't protect a fly from another, weaker fly. Nope, afraid you're going to be locked away in a tower as soon as you sober up. It's the only solution." I give up on the obviously ineffective scowl and switch to a pout, attempting to catch her off guard. "Fine! Fine! Cut it out with the cute faces, I don't want to set a new record for bar fights in defense of my sister's honor. You can hang out with Hisao. And Hanako. But that's it!"
I giggle and smile at her. I think. It might have been slightly to her left, I couldn't be sure. "Thanks, Akira! You're far too kind."
"Yeah yeah." She fell into indecipherable grumbling, something that sounded suspiciously like 'guys around here never give me this much attention' before her posture changes and I can hear the smile return to her voice. "You want another drink, girl?"
Re: A Series of Short Stories
(This one is equally-if-not-more pointless than some of the other shorts, but I liked the prompt and I half like the finished product. I need to revisit it, but I need to sleep more right now.)
Heading the Ball
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Shit. I looked down at the hunk of metal and plastic in my hands. Rubbing at the bridge of my nose, I scowled. Of course they broke. At least my nose didn't. I whip my head up, looking for the offending party. It was a violation of school rules to play sports so close to the doors of the school for exactly this reason, so whoever was holding a soccer ball anywhere in the vicinity was in for a world of trouble.
That is, if I could see them. There were indistinct shapes over there, and some over there. I narrow my eyes. Those white splotches seem to be attached to the green ones. School uniforms, and they're coming over this way. Not likely the culprits. Quickly, I whip over to the other crowd. Tan splotches attached to white splotches attached to small red splotches. And all of the splotches were getting smaller. Gym uniforms. Gotcha. Grinning, I run after them.
Or, I try to. It's hard to run when you're not particularly good at it, and harder still when you can't see worth a damn. Why didn't I bring Misha with me to go get Hisao? Mentally, I roll my eyes at myself. That's a silly question. I know exactly why. Would've been worth it, too. Still, this could have at least waited until after I'd... Gotten him. And of course I had to take the doors closest to the council room. Either way, too late now.
I round the corner and peer as well as I can, just barely making out one of the tan-white-red splotches vanishing into a building. You're mine. I knew all the hallways of that building - of all the buildings, really - like the back of my hand. Racing inside, I see the splotches going up the stairs and I pursue. I will get you yet. You won't best Shizune Hakamichi! Grinning like a shark, I reach the top of the stairs and rush down the hallway.
--
Fifteen minutes later, Shizune bursts out of the doors next to the student council room, breathing heavily and looking around with a wild, crazed glint in her eye. Leaning against the wall next to her, Hisao frowns slightly. Waving to catch her attention, he signs broadly to her when she comes over.
[Shizune, what are you doing? I've been waiting here for fif-]
She cuts him off with a vicious stroke. [Some hooligans were kicking around a soccer ball over here! They broke my glasses!] Her scowl deepens, her angry hand gestures becoming downright homicidal. [Did you see them anywhere? I followed them out here, they only just beat me out the door! They were wearing school sports uniforms.]
Hisao looked left and right, surreptitiously kicking the soccer ball next to him as far away as possible. Seeing a group of guys running, he quirked an eyebrow before beginning to laugh.
Shizune's anger was palpable, and her slashing hands nearly cut his head off. [What are you laughing about? What what what what what?]
[The only people around here with sports uniforms on are the track team. Did you have a good lap?]
Heading the Ball
-
Shit. I looked down at the hunk of metal and plastic in my hands. Rubbing at the bridge of my nose, I scowled. Of course they broke. At least my nose didn't. I whip my head up, looking for the offending party. It was a violation of school rules to play sports so close to the doors of the school for exactly this reason, so whoever was holding a soccer ball anywhere in the vicinity was in for a world of trouble.
That is, if I could see them. There were indistinct shapes over there, and some over there. I narrow my eyes. Those white splotches seem to be attached to the green ones. School uniforms, and they're coming over this way. Not likely the culprits. Quickly, I whip over to the other crowd. Tan splotches attached to white splotches attached to small red splotches. And all of the splotches were getting smaller. Gym uniforms. Gotcha. Grinning, I run after them.
Or, I try to. It's hard to run when you're not particularly good at it, and harder still when you can't see worth a damn. Why didn't I bring Misha with me to go get Hisao? Mentally, I roll my eyes at myself. That's a silly question. I know exactly why. Would've been worth it, too. Still, this could have at least waited until after I'd... Gotten him. And of course I had to take the doors closest to the council room. Either way, too late now.
I round the corner and peer as well as I can, just barely making out one of the tan-white-red splotches vanishing into a building. You're mine. I knew all the hallways of that building - of all the buildings, really - like the back of my hand. Racing inside, I see the splotches going up the stairs and I pursue. I will get you yet. You won't best Shizune Hakamichi! Grinning like a shark, I reach the top of the stairs and rush down the hallway.
--
Fifteen minutes later, Shizune bursts out of the doors next to the student council room, breathing heavily and looking around with a wild, crazed glint in her eye. Leaning against the wall next to her, Hisao frowns slightly. Waving to catch her attention, he signs broadly to her when she comes over.
[Shizune, what are you doing? I've been waiting here for fif-]
She cuts him off with a vicious stroke. [Some hooligans were kicking around a soccer ball over here! They broke my glasses!] Her scowl deepens, her angry hand gestures becoming downright homicidal. [Did you see them anywhere? I followed them out here, they only just beat me out the door! They were wearing school sports uniforms.]
Hisao looked left and right, surreptitiously kicking the soccer ball next to him as far away as possible. Seeing a group of guys running, he quirked an eyebrow before beginning to laugh.
Shizune's anger was palpable, and her slashing hands nearly cut his head off. [What are you laughing about? What what what what what?]
[The only people around here with sports uniforms on are the track team. Did you have a good lap?]
Re: A Series of Short Stories
I'll note that the prompt is flawed.
Drinking age in Japan is 20, and in Scotland it's 18 with no restrictions, or 16 for wine, beer, or cider ordered with a meal (granted, the prompt doesn't work there).
Still, it works at 20 as well as it does at 21, and the way you wrote it, they're in Japan.
Drinking age in Japan is 20, and in Scotland it's 18 with no restrictions, or 16 for wine, beer, or cider ordered with a meal (granted, the prompt doesn't work there).
Still, it works at 20 as well as it does at 21, and the way you wrote it, they're in Japan.
bhtooefr's one-shot and drabble thread
Enjoy The Silence - Sequel to All I Have (complete)
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking forum!
Enjoy The Silence - Sequel to All I Have (complete)
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking forum!
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6213
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Says the girl who screwed him right after the confessionWe've... We've only been dating for a few years now! That's, that's hardly proper, Akira!"
Okay, in Lilly's good end, Akira should have left for Scotland, but I suppose she could have returned for her sister's birthday.
However, while Akira did bring the occasional bottle of wine to a party I don't think she'd intentionally try to get Lilly roaring drunk. She's much too protective of her sister for that.
Not quite sure what to make of the second story. Are you implying that she's been chasing the wrong people?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Yeah, I knew the prompt didn't quite work out as the prompter intended, but the concept was solid.bhtooefr wrote:I'll note that the prompt is flawed.
Drinking age in Japan is 20, and in Scotland it's 18 with no restrictions, or 16 for wine, beer, or cider ordered with a meal (granted, the prompt doesn't work there).
Still, it works at 20 as well as it does at 21, and the way you wrote it, they're in Japan.
She is, but I find (from personal experience) that things have a way of getting out of hand when celebrating. But, hey, that's the point of these little bits - to try and figure to figure out character voices before I get into something larger. Maybe.Mirage_GSM wrote:Okay, in Lilly's good end, Akira should have left for Scotland, but I suppose she could have returned for her sister's birthday.
However, while Akira did bring the occasional bottle of wine to a party I don't think she'd intentionally try to get Lilly roaring drunk. She's much too protective of her sister for that.
Not quite sure what to make of the second story. Are you implying that she's been chasing the wrong people?
And yeah, that's what I was trying to get at. It would have worked better if I had a better concept of how the school was set up, but c'est la vie.
Thanks for the feedback!
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monkeywitha6pack
- Posts: 190
- Joined: Wed Sep 25, 2013 1:43 am
Re: A Series of Short Stories
Glad to see you back to writing I read your other stuff when you posted it back in oct. and really liked it, but I was wondering when you had Hisao kick the ball away was that insinuating Hisao was the one how did it?
I read your other stuff when you posted it back in oct. and really liked it, but I was wondering when you had Hisao kick the ball away was that insinuating Hisao was the one how did it?Wahahaha~.
Re: A Series of Short Stories
That was the intent, but it wasn't communicated very well. I tried to do a lot of things in those last few paragraphs without actually laying enough groundwork for them to make sense.