Rin: Osmosis

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dewelar
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by dewelar » Wed Oct 16, 2013 6:44 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:When I started reading, I wanted to ask you why the heck you would start a story with a dream sequence.
Dream sequences can be used to give a bit more insights into a character's subconscious, but at the start of a story you have no idea about that character's current situation, no way to interpret what the dream is showing them.
Then I noticed this story would be only dream and little else...
And I think it's not quite right even for a dream: There's just too much detail - everything's too crisp for me to accept it as a dream...

I really liked the last chapter, but of the first ten chapters I think 6 or seven could have been left out and the story would not have suffered - especially all the chapters devoted to the other girls didn't seem to serve any real purpose.
I don't think it's meant to be a story per se, more like an allegory (or a series of allegories) with the dream sequence being a framing device.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Mahorfeus
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Mahorfeus » Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:34 am

So... basically Rin is nightmare fuel. That explains a lot.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Wed Oct 16, 2013 1:14 pm

dewelar wrote:Heh...I happened to be on the board as you were posting this, and hovered here reading each post as it appeared. I enjoyed this trip thoroughly :D .

And yes...some people don't need to talk in order to talk, indeed...*sigh^
Glad you enjoyed it. This was only my second fanfic (first is 'Rin: Hisao's Gift'), and it ended up a lot longer than I originally thought it would! Still, it was fun to write. A lot of the symbolism just came forward on its own.

Oscar Wildecat wrote:Loved it! Need more rocket trips to Planet Rin!

On the technical side, I think I spotted a few grammar and spelling errors in the text. However, nothing screamed "HEY! I'M AN ERROR!!!!".
Again, glad it went over well. My last story was pretty tough emotionally, so I went for a fun one this time. I know there are still some rough points that I need to go back and clean up (sorry), but I'd spent a month on this story and was at the 'if I don't post it now I probably never will' point.

bhtooefr wrote:I... wasn't sure where that was going at all. Very... Rinny.
I think the dream itself was a look at Hisao's path through his time at Yamaku...assuming he ended up with Rin. She becomes his guide and focus, but the other girls--the other paths--are represented from an outside point-of-view. I included things about each character that he shouldn't know by the time of the Yamaku Festival to add a bit of surreal to the whole thing. A bit of "Rinniness" if you will! :)

-Blessings
CM
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Wed Oct 16, 2013 1:36 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:When I started reading, I wanted to ask you why the heck you would start a story with a dream sequence.
Dream sequences can be used to give a bit more insights into a character's subconscious, but at the start of a story you have no idea about that character's current situation, no way to interpret what the dream is showing them...

...I really liked the last chapter, but of the first ten chapters I think 6 or seven could have been left out and the story would not have suffered - especially all the chapters devoted to the other girls didn't seem to serve any real purpose.

I also wonder what the spoilers you warned time and again are supposed to be. I didn't notice any important plot points being given away at all.
So, this obviously didn't hit the mark for your reading style. Sorry. The "no idea about the character's current situation" was intentionally done to reflect Hisao's own discomfort when he first arrived at Yamaku.

I don't know that the last 'chapter' (the story was only broken into chapters to accommodate posting limitations) has any meaning without any of the previous?

As to the "spoiler", I can never tell what paths the reader has gone down or how far they've gone, so things like the 'Three Musketeer' picture could be considered a reveal...figure best to err on caution so as not to ruin KS for anyone.

You seem to have a different way of looking at a story than others might, and I'd be very interested to know what you think of my other submission, 'Rin: Hisao's Gift.' It's a quick read, so if you have the time...

dewelar wrote:I don't think it's meant to be a story per se, more like an allegory (or a series of allegories) with the dream sequence being a framing device.
Yes..YES...allegory and allusion...and hopefully just a fun read overall.

Mahorfeus wrote:So... basically Rin is nightmare fuel. That explains a lot.
I suppose that, if we Rin lovers are completely honest, living with Rin would likely be a bit frustrating no matter how you felt about her. That said, I don't know that the dream, here, is particularly a nightmare, and it's Rin who brings peace at the disturbing parts. I dunno, I think you have a point that Rin could drive some nightmares, for example, see----> (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YISK_9PmJlE)

Thanks all!
Blessings!
-CM
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:41 pm

So, this obviously didn't hit the mark for your reading style. Sorry. The "no idea about the character's current situation" was intentionally done to reflect Hisao's own discomfort when he first arrived at Yamaku.
I hope you don't take my post to mean that your story was bad. As you noted it was not really my type of story, and I'd have done a few things differently, but apart from the technical basics (which you did okay) there's no right or wrong in art.
I don't know that the last 'chapter' (the story was only broken into chapters to accommodate posting limitations) has any meaning without any of the previous?
I don't know... I think it would work just as well with just the "chapters" about Rin and the various artists (excluding the flyer part which ties in to the Shizune "chapter"). To me it felt like the chapters about the various girls didn't really add much to the whole and part of what destroyed the impression of dreamlikeness for me was that it went on for too long... but that may just be because I've never had a dream that long and elaborate (that I can remember).
As to the "spoiler", I can never tell what paths the reader has gone down or how far they've gone, so things like the 'Three Musketeer' picture could be considered a reveal...figure best to err on caution so as not to ruin KS for anyone.
Even if you told the reader that this was a scene that would happen in Shizune's route - which you didn't - What would this spoil? That at one point in Shizune's route he's going to take a picture with Shizune and Misha? It's okay to err on the side of caution, but the disclaimer in every "chapter" made me expect some crucial revelations^^°
You seem to have a different way of looking at a story than others might, and I'd be very interested to know what you think of my other submission, 'Rin: Hisao's Gift.' It's a quick read, so if you have the time...
I did in fact read this (and it's going to be part of my next submission to the archive). I thought it was really good, and I liked it better than this one. I think I even commented in the thread, but didn't have too much to add to those who posted before me.
In my opinion the original ending fits better - not because the alternative makes Rin "more broken" but simply because it doesn't need the additional lines.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Wed Oct 16, 2013 6:22 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I hope you don't take my post to mean that your story was bad. As you noted it was not really my type of story, and I'd have done a few things differently, but apart from the technical basics (which you did okay) there's no right or wrong in art.
When I was younger I would have taken immediate offense. Fortunately that self-absorbed kid is gone now, and all I can say is 'Todo Bien!' I truly do appreciate the input and the time you took to provide it. I don't know that my style will ever be in line with your preferences, but I still feel there's room for me to learn other perspectives.

I hope to begin work on my next story in a few days (had two ideas I'm not sure how to flesh out, so this one could be tough), and I hope I get more 'Mirage Mentoring' when it posts!

-Blessings
CM
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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Blasphemy
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Blasphemy » Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:13 pm

Nice story, good to see more from you.

I also really want to see a cute drawing of LIlly holding lots of tiny hearts in her arms, I really love that idea. For what it's worth, one may as well make a gory version, too.

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:36 pm

Blasphemy wrote:I also really want to see a cute drawing of LIlly holding lots of tiny hearts in her arms, I really love that idea. For what it's worth, one may as well make a gory version, too.
That would be cool! I like to draw/sketch, but am in no way, shape, or form an artist. If you ever see one (or draw one yourself) let me know!

-Blessings
CM
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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nemz
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by nemz » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:50 am

I liked it!

I agree with Mirage that it was a little too detailed and measured out though, especially at the very beginning.

What bothered me though is that I don't find Rin's work (what we see of it anyway) being particularly Picaso-ish. Angular forms, yes, but I don't see any of Picasso's projection of dimensions onto a plane in her work... she's after something completely different. Now if you're saying she WOULD do that if he hadn't already that's one thing, but I just don't see the similarity.

On the other hand I thought Monet matched up with Lilly was a particularly inspired choice, considering many of his later paintings of waterlillies served to document his failing eyesight.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:53 am

(Reply Deleted)
Last edited by cosmicmustache on Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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cosmicmustache
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:40 pm

nemz wrote:I liked it!

I agree with Mirage that it was a little too detailed and measured out though...

What bothered me though is that I don't find Rin's work (what we see of it anyway) being particularly Picaso-ish...
Glad you liked the story overall. As a Business/Eng Lit major, I did the best I could with art interpretation. Hope it wasn"t too far off!

I'm still surprised no one has commented on the Cleveland reference in regards to "the Thinker"...I thought that worked out fairly well! :)

-Blessings
CM
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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Mader Levap
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Mader Levap » Wed Nov 06, 2013 1:40 pm

Now that was oniric trip. Very nice read.
Mirage_GSM wrote:And I think it's not quite right even for a dream: There's just too much detail - everything's too crisp for me to accept it as a dream...
I don't think it was too long or too detailed - obviously it is not normal dream. Why you have problem with that, but not with, say, fact that apparently both Hisao and Rin shared same dream?
Image Proud member of Polish Route - group dedicated to translation of Katawa Shoujo to Polish. Full translation released!

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 06, 2013 6:15 pm

Good question. I think it's the same thing as in a story about magic. The premise of the story is that there is magic, therefore you don't question it.
The premise of this story could be said to be that Hisao and Rin share a dream.
The dream, however, is something quite mundane. Most of us have dreamt at one time or another, some more frequently than others. So everyone can tell that this is not what a dream is supposed to be like.
Sure, the ending could be taken to suggest, that it is not really a normal dream or even that it is what Rin's dreams feel like, but by the time we reach the ending that impression of wrongness has already been created.
You know it's quite hard to explain that^^°
It's not even really that big of an issue - it's just the feeling I got when I read the story.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by cosmicmustache » Sun Feb 09, 2014 9:30 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:The premise of this story could be said to be that Hisao and Rin share a dream.
I really use the dream solely as the vehicle. It's the metaphors in the dream that I wanted to give focus to. I think I ended up with two "messages": 1) a metaphoric dream-trip of Hisao's experiences at Yamaku Academy and 2) the suggestion that, in this path -- the Rin path I suppose -- Rin has become a soul mate and guide of sorts.

I dunno, I hate trying to describe my own writing. It just kinda came together the way it did as I wrote it. I guess the reader will just have to enjoy it or not enjoy it just as you would any other story.

(Sorry so late on the reply BTW.)
Last edited by cosmicmustache on Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
COSMICMUSTACHE

Don't let your life become your prison.

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

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Liminaut
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Re: Rin: Osmosis

Post by Liminaut » Sun Feb 09, 2014 10:29 pm

I liked the slow pace and attention to detail, especially in the first part.

To me, the purpose of the story was the images and poetry of the words; the 'plot' was just a framing device to put the images in.

I admire the poetry of your descriptions, such as
Rin glowed like fresh paint just spread on white canvas. Her hair gleamed the auburn of wet autumn leaves, and her eyes sparkled a deep, damp green only nature could have created. Her skin was a fresh, clean alabaster, and her school uniform, though wrinkled and rumpled, now seemed a regal raiment heralding a princess of the venue he now occupied.

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