Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC pseudo-pseudo-route)

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Nattata-talie
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Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC pseudo-pseudo-route)

Post by Nattata-talie » Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:42 pm

Hey everyone. I'm a new user on the forum but I've lurked for a little while. I've been writing for years and recently played through Katawa Shoujo and really enjoyed the characters it fleshed out and the setting it gave, so I've decided to do a bit of writing in this universe.

This won't exactly be in the normal "route format" per se because it's not going to be first person nor entirely from Hisao's perspective. Please and enjoy and thank you for reading. ( :

Any comments and criticism are welcome!

Introduction: Shattered Silences (this post)
Chapter 1: Escort Mission Gone Wrong

--

Introduction: Shattered Silences
Girl wrote:So I heard your class has a new student.
Boy wrote:Yup.
Nicole glanced expectantly at her companion, willing him to write more. Hoping to win out in a brief battle of patience, she occupied herself by once more taking in her surroundings. The two were seated in the grass in a clearing surrounded by all sides with shrubs, trees, or some other foliage. The gardens at Yamaku Academy were far more extensive than many of the students realized, offering many hideaways for students seeking privacy. After finding this seemingly perfect location, it had become something of a tradition for the two to come out here and enjoy a break from the structured life high school burdened them with.

Unfortunately, the boy seemed to have far more patience than Nicole. His lack of movement indicated sufficiently he had no such intention of expanding on his prior statement.
Nicole wrote:I think I saw him in the halls at one point. What’s he like?
Boy wrote:Dunno.
Nicole shot over another look, which on this occasion was successful in prompting reply.
Boy wrote:I wasn’t really paying attention. He didn’t introduce himself and I never bothered trying to talk to him.
Nicole twirled the pen she held between her fingers, contemplating her reply. It was pretty clear this particular line of conversation wasn’t going anywhere soon.
Nicole wrote:Alright, change of subject. I was thinking that tomorrow maybe
The steady movements of Nicole’s hand stopped suddenly and she looked up, past the face of the boy sitting beside her. A wry grin spread across her face as she returned to the notepad, starting a new line.
Nicole wrote:Speak of the Devil and he shall appear.
Never one to follow an averted gaze, Nicole’s companion had yet take his eyes from the sheet of paper. Now at last he turned around to see the unmistakable messy hair and unsure face of his newest classmate.

“Oh, I’m sorry I’ll lea-” the boy started, but Nicole quickly jumped up to her feet and cut him off.

“No no, don’t go, you’re fine,” she said, approaching the new kid with an outstretched arm. “I’m Nicole Hollander. You’re the new kid right?”

“Uh, yeah,” he took Nicole’s hand a shook it nervously. “My name is Hisao.” Hisao looked over beyond Nicole where her friend remained seated next to the word covered notepad. “Oh, is he, uh,”

“Deaf?” Nicole interrupted once more. Hisao nodded slightly to confirm this was his query, to which Nicole’s companion responded with a furrowed brow. “No, we just both enjoy the silence at times, and writing is much easier than learning sign language.” Nicole turned back to the seated boy. “This is, hey don’t look at him like that! He just asked a question.”

The boy shook his head and lifted himself up from the ground. “Yeah yeah. I can introduce myself though ya know,” his words came quietly yet sternly. A hand outstretched towards Hisao, who took a brief moment to notice it since his eyes were fixed upon a large bandage on the side of the boy’s head, over his right ear. Upon catching himself staring however, Hisao looked down and hastily grabbed the hand before him. “Takashi Maeda.” If Takashi had noticed Hisao staring, he made no note of it. Perhaps, Hisao though, people in this school had simply grown accustomed to the occasional unconscious stare.

“We’re in the same class I think,” Hisao said, pulling his hand back to his side.

“Yeah, 3-3,” Takashi confirmed. “So, what brings you here newbie?”

“Oh, I just thought I’d explore a bit since it’s my first day. I think I might be getting lost though, these gardens are much bigger than they seem from the outside.”

“Yeah,” Nicole agreed, “most people tend to stay on the paths after their first excursion inside. It can be pretty daunting, but that’s what Takashi and I like about it. No sounds but nature, especially since everyone is eating dinner around this time.”

“I wasn’t exactly hungry, more just tired,” Hisao explained. “I was on my way to the dorms when I decided to take a walk around the gardens. Sorry to bug you two.”

“You’re not bugging us at all!” said Nicole. “We’re always happy to meet a new face. Isn’t that right, Takashi?” Takashi only stared at Hisao, though a look of disapproval now adorned his face. Nicole let out a swift chuckle. “Don’t mind Takashi, he’s kind of an asshole.” Hisao wasn’t exactly sure if he was supposed to laugh at that comment, so only smiled nervously in reply.

“You said you were lost, right?” Takashi cut in. “Just go straight that way to get back to the path. You’ll see it pretty quickly.” Takashi pointed in a seemingly arbitrary direction, but a nod of confirmation from Nicole convinced Hisao enough to try the heading.

With that Hisao was off, a hushed “See you later!” came from Nicole, accompanied by a large wave. Once the new boy was out of sight, Nicole turned to Takashi. “He seems-” Nicole was cut off suddenly by a notepad being thrust into her face to which she rolled her eyes and accepted the pad.
Nicole wrote:He seems nice.
Takashi wrote:Talks too loud.
Nicole wrote:Oh give him a chance, it’s not like he knows any better.
Takashi wrote:Why should we “give him a chance” exactly?
Nicole wrote:I dunno, he just seems like an alright guy.
Takashi wrote:...Don’t get any ideas Nicole.
Nicole wrote:What, me? Ideas? No clue what you’re talking about. *Whistling noises*
Takashi wrote:We both know you can’t whistle, Nicole.
Nicole wrote:Ssshhhhhh... details, details.
Last edited by Nattata-talie on Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:39 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:12 pm

I usually prefer to read stories here in the forums, but since this is quite short, I thought I'd give it a try.

So far I like it. The different fonts are a nice touch. Not as obtrusive as using different colours^^°
Can't say much about your OC yet. She surely is likeable. Again a foreigner. Not neccessarily bad, but the reasons why they should go to school in Japan are not very convincing more often than not. I'm certainly willing to be surprised, though ;-)

Just one minor nitpick:
“So, what brings you here newbie?”
Up until this point the reader doesn't know where "here" is. This might be intentional from your side, but there's no real reason to do it this way here.
At least for me, when reading a story a good part of the immersion comes from being able to form a picture of what's happening in my head. In this case that picture is two people in front of a white background...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Nattata-talie
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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Nattata-talie » Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:20 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I usually prefer to read stories here in the forums, but since this is quite short, I thought I'd give it a try.
Hmm, alright. I'll experiment a bit with both before sticking to one. I'm sure I can find a way around the formatting, what I was really trying to avoid was the thing a sticky thread is warning against, having post sizes too long. Then again I'm not sure I'll ever post in chapters long enough to worry about that. We'll see.
Mirage_GSM wrote:So far I like it. The different fonts are a nice touch. Not as obtrusive as using different colours^^°
Can't say much about your OC yet. She surely is likeable. Again a foreigner. Not neccessarily bad, but the reasons why they should go to school in Japan are not very convincing more often than not. I'm certainly willing to be surprised, though ;-)
I was worried that might lose me some points. There is actually a pretty good reason for her having to be foreign, though that won't come along for a good while. As for her excuse for being in Japan I'll just have to hope it's convincing, that'll probably come up soon.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Just one minor nitpick:
“So, what brings you here newbie?”
Up until this point the reader doesn't know where "here" is. This might be intentional from your side, but there's no real reason to do it this way here.
At least for me, when reading a story a good part of the immersion comes from being able to form a picture of what's happening in my head. In this case that picture is two people in front of a white background...
Yeah, I noticed I kind of failed to set the scene early on. I think I might do a quick edit near the top to try and establish it early on rather than just let it become clear through dialog.

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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:35 pm

I was worried that might lose me some points. There is actually a pretty good reason for her having to be foreign, though that won't come along for a good while. As for her excuse for being in Japan I'll just have to hope it's convincing, that'll probably come up soon.
As long as there's a reason in the story, it won't lose you any points - at least not with me.
It's just that in 90% of all fanfictions with foreign OCs, they are foreigners because they are either self-inserts or the author is too lazy to put himself into the position of a japanese character.
So far I'm getting neither vibe from your OC, so I'm cautiously optimistic ;-)

Regarding post sizes, that chapter was well within the limits of what the forum can handle.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Silver » Mon Aug 26, 2013 6:58 pm

I like it so far, I look forward to more.

Nattata-talie
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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Nattata-talie » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:27 pm

Gonna go ahead and post this one right on the forum rather than linking it to google docs. Still not 100% on what I'll use.

--

Chapter 1: Escort Mission Gone Wrong

It had been nearly a week and Hisao was still feeling lost with all the new names and faces. Some people he was seeing on a daily basis, while others he had really one had one encounter with. It seemed that despite the circumstances surrounding this place, it really was a normal highschool with normal kids. As such, the coming of a new student, especially at a smaller school such as this, was almost like a competition to see just which clique the new kid would align themselves with.

Although this week had seemed an exhausting march forward, it was hard in this moment not to put the passing of time in terms of only. As in, it had only been a week and here Hisao was, lying down in a cot in the nurse’s office after making an idiotic decision which could easily have caused his heart to “explode” as the head nurse had put it.

It took Hisao a long moment to grasp his surroundings after having woken up. This wasn’t nearly as bad as waking up in the hospital, since at least he remembered his arrival to where he awoke this time. Still, waking up in a medical area was an experience Hisao had hoped not to repeat so soon, and the feelings of regret for his own blunder surpassed his disorientation.

Beyond a curtain drawn so he could have some illusion of privacy, Hisao could make out silhouettes of two people standing beside each other. One was unmistakably that of the head nurse, but the other could really be any of the female students at the academy since their uniforms were rather, well, uniform.

Though a small part of him reminded Hisao that eavesdropping is frowned upon, he could not help but listen in on what the two were saying, especially since he had yet to muster the willpower to lift himself from the cot.

The girl, who appeared to be sitting atop a counter, took a sudden deep breath and then noticeably cringed.

“You’d think after all this time you’d be used to this,” came the nurse’s voice.

“I will never ever be used to needles, I’m afraid,” replied the girl. The voice was one Hisao was pretty sure he had heard before, but he couldn’t quite place it all the same.

“Time will tell, I suppose, though you’ve already seen far more needles than many people in their lifetimes,” the nurse pointed out.

Wanting to avoid hearing any private information, Hisao finally roused himself to an upright position, let out a sizable yawn, and pulled the curtain aside.

“Morning sleepy head,” said an amused looking girl. Hisao turned to meet her gaze and recognized the face as that of Nicole, who, being a foreigner, was quite easy to recognize. “Have a nice nap?”

“I see you’ve met,” said the nurse, his classic wide grin spread across his face. “How are you feeling Hisao?”

“Okay, if a little groggy I guess,” Hisao replied before suddenly lurching forward a bit and then stabilizing himself. “And a bit dizzy.”

“You probably just got up too fast,” the nurse explained. “Nicole,” he said, turning over to the girl still sitting atop a counter, “do you mind giving us a moment?”

“Not at all,” Nicole complied, seeing herself out the door. A few heart-related vitals and one lecture on not over-doing it later, Nicole was called back into the room by the nurse. “We should be all set Nicole. Would you mind doing me a favor and escorting Hisao to his classroom? I don’t really expect him to need it, but it never hurts to be careful and you should be going there anyway, right?” The nurse winked at Nicole, who grinned back and nodded.

“Uh huh, of course I am, where else would I be going?” Nicole pursed her lips and blew air, as if she was trying and failing to whistle, which was actually probably exactly what she was doing. “Oh but sure, I’ll take him, no sweat.”

With that, the two were off. Though Hisao was aware there was some method of going straight from the auxiliary building to the actual school, Nicole opted instead to take a detour outside, claiming that the fresh air would do them good. As soon as they were out, Nicole turned on her heel to face Hisao and flashed him a mischievous grin. “So we’re not going straight back to class, right?”

Hisao’s expression remained blank. “Where else would we go?”

Nicole laughed as if Hisao had just told a hilarious joke, then looked suddenly shocked. “You’re… you’re not serious, right?”

“You mean like, we should skip class?” Hisao inquired, now concerned he was appearing naive.

“Um, duh? Why the hurry to get back to Snoresville? We could go pretty much anywhere else and if would be better than going there,” said Nicole.

“But Mr. Mutou-”

“Uhg,” Nicole rolled her eyes, “the nurse gave you a note, right?”

“Yeah, right…” Hisao began shuffling around in his pockets for the small folded up piece of paper, “here.”

“Does it have a time on it? Like does it say when he wrote it?” Nicole asked.

“No?” Hisao replied, not totally sure where this was going.

“Perfect, then we’re in no rush to get back! The note will work as long as you use it sometime today.” Nicole grinned, quite pleased with her logic. Hisao had to admit, it did make sense. “Come on, let’s at least go by the dorms so if you wanna wuss out you can just say you were grabbing your books and stuff before you went to class.” Hisao nodded in agreement and went to put the note back in his pocket. When he looked back up however, Nicole was already on her way back to the dorms, obviously with no intention of waiting for Hisao if he was going to be slow about it. Careful not to let himself break out into a full sprint for the second time today, Hisao hurried after her.

“Hey, I just thought of something,” Hisao said suddenly as the two were about to reach the dorms.

“Yeah? I think of stuff all the time,” Nicole shot back with a giggle. “Sorry, what’s on your mind?”

“I have a good excuse with the note, but I didn’t see the nurse give you one. What’s going to be your excuse for missing class?”

Nicole shrugged. “Not having an excuse never stopped me before.”

“So skipping is a regular thing for you?” Hisao accused. Nicole looked taken aback by the accusation, but it could easily have been just a show.

“What, no of course not! I do this like, once in a looong while,” Nicole said confidently. Hisao however gave a look which seemed thoroughly unconvinced.

“Okay okay, like twice a week tops. But whatever! I still do fine in all my classes and stuff, so who cares?” Nicole threw her hands up in the air. Having noticed Hisao no longer followed right beside her, she turned to meet his now shocked look. “Uh, Hisao?” Nicole bit her lip nervously. “Dude, it’s really not that huge a deal. You look like I just told you I have a dick or something.” Nicole turned again and walked the last few steps to the boys dorm, forcing Hisao to catch up so he could open the door. “I mean really, it’s not like I’m the only one to ever skip class around here.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just not really how I had you pegged,” Hisao explained. “But now that you mention it, there is a girl in my class who ducks in and out of class all the time, Hanako.”

“Oh yeah, I know her. Well, I know of her. I think she actually has like, a legitimate reason to be doing that though.”

“What happens when they catch you?” asked Hisao, suddenly intrigued to be holding a discussion with a true delinquent.

“Meh, worst case scenario they give me a detention,” Nicole explained, delighted that Hisao’s attitude towards this had changed from disapproval and disbelief to curiosity. “It’s not like they’d ever kick out someone from a school like this unless they did something really major. Sometimes I can play up the ‘emotional distress’ excuse and I get off with just a slap on the wrist, but I try to use that one sparingly.”

The two climbed the brief staircase that lead to the hallway with room 119. To Nicole’s surprise, Hisao was taking deep breaths, obviously winded. “Jeeze, good thing you don’t live on a higher floor, huh?” When Hisao did not respond to the snide remark, Nicole at once worried what she had said was in bad taste. “Sorry, that was dumb. You alright?”

“Fine,” Hisao breathed, “Just not in good condition physically, especially today.”

“Something to do with why you were napping with the nurse, huh?” Nicole proposed. Hisao opened his mouth to reply but could not decide how to reply, so he said nothing. “Sorry, didn’t mean to prod. I totally get it if you’d rather not talk about it. In case you’re not really sure what’s up, people are pretty respectful of each other’s privacy when it comes to the reason we’re here. Some people obviously can’t really hide what disability or whatever landed them here because it’s obvious, but for the rest of us people won’t care if you’d rather keep it to yourself, long as you make that known.”

“Thanks, it’s not a big secret or anything though,” said Hisao. “I have a bad heart, a condition called arrhythmia. I had a heart attack back in January and then was stuck in the hospital for months, that’s why I transferred here at such a weird time.”

“It’s not really that weird to have awkwardly timed transfers here.” Hearing this alone made Hisao feel slightly better about his own awkward timing. “For me it worked out that my folks and I decided I should go here around when the school year starts up, but before I went here I used to go to one of those international schools where the school year matches up with what they have in the States and such, so I actually did my first year like one and a half times.” Nicole paused here for a moment, and Hisao was about to reply when she suddenly began speaking again. “Wait, which one of these is your room? We’ve walked down like the entire hallway almost.”

“Huh?” Hisao looked to the door closest to him, realizing they had passed his own room a while back. “Oh, oops. It’s back here, room 119.” Hisao lead back through the hallway to his room and unlocked the door, which Nicole raced through without invitation.

“Man, your room is,” Nicole hesitated a moment, searching for the correct word, “boring.”

“Cut me some slack, I only moved in at the beginning of this school week.”

Nicole had to admit Hisao’s excuse was valid, but that didn’t necessarily mean she shouldn’t give him a hard time, at least in her own mind. “Fair enough, fair enough,” Nicole consented. “So, you gonna grab your books and scurry off to class, or are we gonna do something fun?”

“What would we do?” asked Hisao.

“Whatever you’re up for. You hungry? We could head into town if you feel like,” Nicole proposed.

“How long would that take? Would we miss any class after lunch period?” Hisao asked, hoping Nicole wouldn’t make fun for still being concerned about missing class.

“Maybe, bu- wait, are you saying you haven’t been into town yet?” Nicole’s face suddenly lit up.

“Well no, not yet I gue-” Hisao started.

“Sweet! That means I get to show you around and give you the grand tour and crap! Come on!” Before he had any time to offer a dissenting opinion, Nicole was practically dragging Hisao by his sleeve out of the dorm building. “Let’s hit the town!”
Last edited by Nattata-talie on Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Guestimate » Tue Aug 27, 2013 12:37 am

Hm. Not bad, another one to keep my eye on.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Aug 27, 2013 2:46 am

Some people he was seeing on a daily occurrence, while others he had really one had one encounter.
"on a daily basis" or "as a daily occurence"
I'd use the former.
And there's probably a "with" missing at the end of the sentence.

I feel like this chapter is not as...polished as the first one.
Nothing really wrong with it, though - just a gut feeling.
Still like it, though.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Nattata-talie
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Joined: Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:19 pm

Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC psuedo-psuedo-route)

Post by Nattata-talie » Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:48 am

Mirage_GSM wrote: I feel like this chapter is not as...polished as the first one.
Nothing really wrong with it, though - just a gut feeling.
Still like it, though.
Likely, since I went to sleep pretty much right after posting it so any proof-reading I did was tired proof-reading.

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Mader Levap
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Re: Of Secrets and Scandals (an OC pseudo-pseudo-route)

Post by Mader Levap » Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:17 pm

Well, what we have here? Something that starts out interesting. Hopefully, it will stay like that.
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