cosmicmustache wrote:Your writing style is more a jumpy poetic than smooth narrative. It works okay for something this short, but much longer and it can be too disjointed.
Someone commented about not liking how so many of the short stories on the forum have a sad ending. I don't think most of us write with the 'intent' of a sad ending, the story takes the path it takes and we write it the way it comes to us. I have one short with a melancholy end and one with a happy end, so I know they can go on either tack.
That said, I'm curious as to the intent of your piece here. Did you, indeed, start out with a plan for a sad story? How'd the story come to you--all at once or over time? Did you stay 'surface level' with the story on purpose?
Overall, an interesting read that had me wanting more depth to the narrative--left me with a lot of questions.
Thanks for the share!
-Blessings
CM
Gotta say, nice surprise seeing Rooftops is still getting attention.
Anyway, to answer your question, this was written late at night on the edge of consciousness in about ten minutes, so completely unplanned and I was too tired at the time to have any real intentions. If I recall correctly, I wrote it the same night I finished reading "That Guy's Emilogue", hence the Emi pneumonia death and Rin cancer. I'm sorry if you feel like the ending is empty, I did actually have more at the end that I removed because it was simply tragedy for the sake of tragedy and the writing itself wasn't great. The original ending actually had Hisao wake up in a hospital room with nobody around, much like when he was told he was going to Yamaku, only this time he doesn't have a second chance of happiness. I felt like that would leave too many open ends if I kept it, so I cut it out. I don't have the original file anymore, so that ending is gone forever.
Hopefully that answers everything, I honestly don't have the answers to questions about this piece due to the awkward writing conditions
