Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 3 posted 5/9/13

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Shail » Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:40 am

I will be stalking this thread in the future. I see immense potential and may pester you with requests of advice on how to write for the fanfic I'm working on o3o.
~I hate endings~ Fan fiction is the only way to keep KS alive!
~The only good ending is a sequel~
~Want to know why I REALLY fucking hate endings? Mirai Nikki Want to know why I love epilogues? Watch the Mirai Nikki OVA
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Hanako -> Rin -> Shizune -> ? -> ?

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Jestarr » Wed Aug 21, 2013 5:22 pm

Shail wrote:I will be stalking this thread in the future. I see immense potential and may pester you with requests of advice on how to write for the fanfic I'm working on o3o.
Blimey mate that is some immense praise indeed and i'd be more than happy to help but there are much better writers than me on this form. Try contacting Hellbereth or Trivun if you want some tips

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Steinherz » Wed Aug 21, 2013 5:46 pm

Jestarr wrote:
Shail wrote:I will be stalking this thread in the future. I see immense potential and may pester you with requests of advice on how to write for the fanfic I'm working on o3o.
Blimey mate that is some immense praise indeed and i'd be more than happy to help but there are much better writers than me on this form. Try contacting Hellbereth or Trivun if you want some tips
Oddball and Mirage_GSM are also pretty helpful
I write take a look, would you kindly?
I also draw, kind of.
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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Shail » Wed Aug 21, 2013 7:36 pm

I've seen Mirage floating around, who is Oddball though? I don't pay much attention to posters unless I see them alot or they are the writer of w/e I'm reading o3o..
~I hate endings~ Fan fiction is the only way to keep KS alive!
~The only good ending is a sequel~
~Want to know why I REALLY fucking hate endings? Mirai Nikki Want to know why I love epilogues? Watch the Mirai Nikki OVA
~Mirai Nikki: A perfect example of endings I hate~
Hanako -> Rin -> Shizune -> ? -> ?

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Aug 22, 2013 9:13 am

Oddball wrote gems like Shower Scenes or Freaks and Friends. (The latter is still unfinished, though.)
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Jestarr » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:00 am

Mirage i think you're right i have been Westernising this a bit too much so I'll try and tone it down for the rest of the chapters. Speaking of chapters this week has been hectic for me so i haven't been able to get any writing done, I'll try and get the next one out as soon as possible

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Endofone » Wed Aug 28, 2013 1:37 am

That last scene as said was cliche but, it was pretty cute. XD I like your OC's character development. Love to see what happens. So keep it up.

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by griffon8 » Sun Sep 01, 2013 10:54 am

Always good to see new writers and new OCs who aren't clichés. Good job. Even if you did use a huge cliché at the end. :D

One thing about the ages though: Rika is eighteen, just like Hisao, Shizune, Lilly, and Rin (Emi is nineteen, while Hanako turns eighteen during the story). Rika missed a year of school for reasons related to her disability.

You are free to ignore this of course; it's your fanfic. The reason the age of any girl in the published VN and similar games released in the US is at least eighteen is due to silly Puritanism, but that's what we are expected to deal with. :x

Again, it's your choice as to how to go with this. Don't let us stop you.
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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Jestarr » Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:58 pm

griffon8 wrote:
One thing about the ages though: Rika is eighteen, just like Hisao, Shizune, Lilly, and Rin (Emi is nineteen, while Hanako turns eighteen during the story). Rika missed a year of school for reasons related to her disability.

You are free to ignore this of course; it's your fanfic. The reason the age of any girl in the published VN and similar games released in the US is at least eighteen is due to silly Puritanism, but that's what we are expected to deal with. :x

Again, it's your choice as to how to go with this. Don't let us stop you.
Well bugger, I looked at the April fools day post before hand and it just said she was in the second year but i guess having surgery as a baby would put her back a year yeah. I'll try and work it out in a chapter later on

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by griffon8 » Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:01 pm

Surgery as a baby wouldn't do it; it would have to be something later, like what Emi had to go through.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Hanako Nakai » Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:49 am

Hanako Nakai will now monitor this thread for updates..
Wow, speaking to myself in thirdperson :D..
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You should be a protagonist of a new story :lol:

Am I really that dense?

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 2 posted 21/8/13

Post by Jestarr » Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:42 pm

Sorry this update took a little longer than usual but these last two weeks have been hectic for me. But enough excuses, here's chapter three.

Act 1, Chapter 3: Fire and Moonlight

The high noon sun has taken up its rightful place in the centre of the sky. It’s golden rays gently warm the soft breeze that blows through the grounds of Yamaku giving the festival a summery feel despite it being late spring. All around the smell of freshly cooked food fills the air and entices easily tempted students and locals into a pricey lunch; of course I have a Hisao paying for my lunch so I don’t have to worry about that. We pass some idle chatter between us as we mill through the rest of the festival, stopping of at the odd stall every now and then to try out some of the games on offer. Despite a valiant effort and the best part of one thousand five hundred Yen Hisao didn’t managed to win himself a watch and before long my mind starts to wander back to Rika and her whereabouts.

“Are you sure she didn’t tell you any sort of time before I arrived?” I ask Hisao, absentmindedly swinging my legs back and forth under the bench where we have chosen to take a break.

“Nope.” Hisao replies as he takes a sip from his can of coffee. As he lowers the can a sly smile grows across his face. “All she said was that we should play a trick on you as you are apparently always late. Which as it turns out she was right about.”

I jab him in the side with my elbow and ready my snide comeback but vibrations and a pleasant tone from my pocket interrupt me. Stretching my leg out in front of me so I can get to my phone I draw it out of my pocket and inspect the screen for the caller I.D.

“About damn time.” I mumble as I flip open the device and press the answer key. “What time do you call this?”

“I’m sorry Yumi!” An apoplectic Rika howls down the phone to me in a fit of fake tears before returning to her usual lilt with a giggle. “It was only meant to take an hour but Hackamichi kept me for an extra two because she didn’t trust me to do our class paperwork and wanted to ‘personally over-see its completion’. I can’t blame the rest of the student council for leaving her, dealing with her on class representative duties is hard enough.”

I stifle a laugh at the mocking tone Rika’s voice takes on as she tries to impersonate Hackamichi’s interpreter Mikado, known around the school as Misha. I have never talked to her personally but I sure as hell have heard her, the girl is like a pink haired loudspeaker turned up to max volume.

“At least you’ve finished now, they can’t hurt you anymore.”

“You’d be surprised.” Rika responds with sincerity, which worries me for a second but I don’t believe even Hackamichi would go as far as physical injury. Unless Rika really messed up that is. “Anyway, let me make it up to you. I’ll buy you both lunch, my treat.”

I ponder her offer for a moment but a brief glance towards the absentminded Hisao brings his kind hearted gesture back to my mind and gives me a much better idea. He catches me looking at him from the corner of my eye and a devilish smile finds its way on to my lips that brings out a terrified expression in my new friend. I keep eye contact with him but continued talking to Rika.

“No it’s ok, I have a better idea. We’ll meet you back at the class stall.”

“Umm Yumi, what’s that smile all about?” Hisao asked tentatively, a nervous smile gracing his features.

“Nothing to worry about, I just hope you didn’t spend to much money trying to win that watch. Come on.” I turn my back to him and peek over my shoulder, gesturing for him to follow. He looks deep in thought for a second or two but quickly complies and takes up his spot beside me, still a good arms length away.

I’ve managed to learn the new parts and reacquaint myself with the older bits of the festival layout so we have no trouble backtracking our way to class 2-3’s stall which we find is now surrounded by a crowd of people eagerly awaiting their turn to catch themselves a fish. Amongst the crowd I can see a few faces I recognise including Akari whom is sill hanging around the stall with her group of friends but I don’t think it’s her shift anymore. Ibarazaki Emi, Rika’s running partner, is there as well which is probably a good sign that my albino friend beat us here. Ibarazaki is a short girl, especially for a third year but that might have something to do with the prosthetic legs she is wearing. She keeps her hair in two symmetrical pigtails and is wearing a loose fitting green tank top over a white t-shirt. From his vantage point seven or so centimetres above me Hisao manages to spot Rika before I do and calls out to her with an accompanying wave. I see brief flashes of white between the huddle before Rika squeezes her way through a gap and emerges triumphantly in front of us.

“What took you guys so long?” She says with a scowl on her face and her hands on her hips but her eyes give away her amusement, at least to me. Hisao answers for us, taking a possible dig at his walking pace away from me.

“My bad, I’m not the fastest walker.” Hisao rubs the back of his neck, still a little wary of Rika’s mock anger it seems.

“That’s because you’ve been skipping running!” I hear Ibarazaki yell from her place in the crowd, apparently loosing both one’s legs give you impeccable hearing. Rika breaks into a laugh and points a stern finger towards Hisao.

“Hisao Nakai, you should be ashamed. You’ve made Emi here very sad.”

“So sad!” Ibarazaki chimes in again, now walking over to our little group.

So I guess Hisao runs with Emi like Rika, or at least he did at some point and has since stopped. I don’t blame him; I find running exhausting as well. Just walking from the girl’s dormitory to the main building is enough exercise for me thank you very much. Actually now I think about it that could be how he met Rika, they probably ran into each other at the track one day and got talking.

“I only missed one day and I came to find you and apologise as soon as I woke up.” Hisao raises his hands in front of his chest as if he were worried the two girls would physically assault him, “I’ll be back on the track tomorrow morning, just give me a break today?”

Rika and Ibarazaki look at each other silently through sceptical eyes, occasionally gesturing to Hisao and whispering between themselves but it’s all for show, the grins plastered to their faces give it away far too easily. The two conspiring girls nod in unison before turning their attention back to Hisao who looks slightly more uncomfortable than he did a few moments ago.

“Ok, if you promise to keep up with the running from now on then we will forgive you.” Rika says to Hisao, a cheeky smile still present on her face.

“Deal.” Hisao responds, breathing a sigh of relief at not being made to do anything embarrassing. I would have had him dance through the school or something but that’s just me.

“Also you have to buy us lunch.” Ibarazaki pipes up from Rika’s left with a toothy grin and giggle that easily matches if not tops the white haired girl standing next to her.

“That works out well, as I was going to ask you to buy Rika and me lunch anyway.” I say, winking at the legless girl who responds with another child-like giggle. Hisao looks down at me pleadingly for a shred of sympathy but the wry smile he receives does nothing to ease him. A quick glance between all three of our relenting gazes seals his fate and he admits defeat with a resentful shrug of his shoulders.

“Ok fine, just this once though.” But I don’t think any of us believe that. After a quick discussion we decide to be kind to Hisao and simply get some cheap Yakisoba, much to Ibarazaki’s disgust. Instead she chose a healthier option of some edamame and a sandwich from a smaller nearby stall, all the while disappointedly eyeing up Rika, Hisao and myself. We pick out a bench in the grounds that looks over towards the festival so we can people watch and start our feast with Hisao sitting on the edge and us three girls on his left.

“Emi you can stop with the glaring now, you’ll put me off my meal.”

“It should do that itself Hisao, I can practically see the grease from here.” Emi barks as she turns her nose up at the boxed meal and grumpily takes a bite of her sandwich before turning to me. “I’m Ibarazaki Emi by the way but just call me Emi, I think I forgot to introduce myself amongst all the food talk.”

I bow my head slightly in confirmation and swallow my food before replying.

“Likewise… I mean forgetting to introduce myself not that I’m also called Emi. Rika has mentioned you before, my name’s Goto Yumi but Yumi is fine.” I blush slightly at my blunder but Emi’s sour expression at the meal choice grows warm at our introduction and she lets out a girlish giggly. Emi sure does smile a lot; I can see why Rika gets on so well with her. She chews another bite of her sandwich before speaking again, covering her hand with her mouth.

“I’ve been told about you as well, Rika has said that I shouldn’t always believe what you say.” She finishes her mouthful with an accusative eyebrow raised and looks me over like I am some sort of magician, hoping that if she looks hard enough she will decipher my greatest trick. From between us Rika brings a hand to her mouth and unsuccessfully stifles a giggle that rewards her with a sharp tap on the knee from my chopsticks. She coughs a little and takes a sip from a can of drink she brought on the way over but keeps her mouth shut. Good choice my white haired friend.

“Ignore Rika she is always doing this.” I lean across Rika and motion for Emi to join me, careful to make sure that Rika can still hear me perfectly fine. “She tries to turn people against me because I intimidate her, it’s a little sad.”

This time I am the one that gets a thwack from a pair of chopsticks but Rika chooses to be less kind than me and flicks me on the ear, sending me jumping back onto the bench accompanied by a sharp stinging pain where my right ear used to be. Looking sideways to Rika I see she is wearing a content smirk and humming quietly as she continues with her meal. I let out a frustrated huff and collect a large ball of noodles on my chopsticks before depositing them in my mouth in a less than ladylike way.

We finish the rest of our lunch in silence, content to just sit and watch as students and other festival goers pass us by walking to and from different attractions. Occasionally one of our entourage will wave or say hello to a member of the crowd but apart from an overly polite blonde girl who was searching for a friend no one sticks around longer than a few minutes. As Hisao finishes the last of his Yakisoba we all rise and head for the nearest bin and drop of our rubbish before Emi parts ways with us saying she had to go see a mural one of her friends had painted. Hisao tells Rika and me she means the one in front of the girl’s dorms. I can’t say I’m a fan of Emi’s friend’s art; it’s a little too creepy for me. With Emi’s twin tails bouncing off into the mass of people to the rhythm of her feverish pace, Hisao and I decide to take Rika on a walk round the festival as the student council took up the whole of the morning she and Hisao had planned. As we wander in triplicate I can’t help but notice the subtle differences in how Rika holds herself around Hisao than if she were with just me.

She is a lot more hands on than normal I guess is the best way to put it. When she laughs at one of his jokes, she regularly brushes his arm with her hand or bumps up against his shoulder while they walk. She reaches across him to point out parts of the festival as well, often taking his hand in hers to pull his attention back to her before stealing him away in the direction of a stall she likes leaving me behind to catch up. As the day goes on I ultimately end up following them around like a stray cat. Hisao manages to win Rika a stuffed Dalmatian from a lottery stall with she decides to name Hisao and her new friend spends the rest of the day with its face occupying the space between Rika’s breasts, a space I could have sworn was smaller this morning. Afternoon slowly gives way to the creeping blanket of evening and before long the sun starts to set, spreading a warm orange light across the sky above Yamaku. The dusk sun brings the closing firework show ever closer and if last years display was anything to go by I am going to want my camera for this year’s one. With that in mind I call to Rika and Hisao who are currently walking a metre and a half in front of me.

“Rika, I’m just going to go back to my room for a bit and get my camera, where do you guys think you’ll be for the display?”

“The display?” Hisao asks with a hint of excitement in his voice.

“Yeah there’s a big firework show when it gets dark, it’s really good.” Rika answers for me whilst smiling at Hisao as she has been all afternoon. When she turns to me she is still smiling but not as brightly as she was when focusing on out new friend. “Under our tree.”

I smile back at the two of them and give them a shallow bow, giggling slightly at the look of bemusement on Hisao’s face. “Ok I’ll meet you there when it gets dark. See you two later.”

As I turn to leave and start walking away I catch a wisp of Rika laughing but their voices are mere murmurs amongst the evening din of the festival. The yells of students and announcements over the loud speaker grow gentle and fade slowly as I approach the girl’s dorm, stopping momentarily to take a look at the finished mural. The colours swirl and group together to form people and faces, distorted and warped by the artist to no doubt symbolise something but I couldn’t tell you if you offered me ten thousand Yen.

“Is it hard?” A voice from behind breaks me from my concentration with a start and I yelp quietly as I whirl around. I find my self face to face with an armless red-haired girl wearing a boy’s uniform who looks like she has gone days without sleep, or at least very few hours of it. Her eyes are like mine, a vivid green but unlike me she has faint bags present and well... two of them. She stares at me nonchalantly and awaits the answer to her question.

“Is what hard?” I ask her back tentatively; unsure as to where this conversation is going.

“Seeing things.”

“Seeing things?” I mimic.

“With one eye covered, how do you see things to your left?” The red haired girl pivots her head to one side and stares directly at my left eye, her gaze making me more uncomfortable by the second. I fidget under her gaze and as if reading my mind she stops. Her head returns to an upright position and her eyes open wider, the bags from before seeming to vanish with the motion.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m in more of a right mood today anyway. People that walk by on the right look at my mural more than any other direction.” She may be just trying to make me feel better about her upfront question but it distracts me at least.

“This is your mural?”

“Yep.” She answers, turning her right side towards the mural and eyeing it up. So this must be Emi’s friend then. It can’t be a coincidence that Emi has no legs and this girl has no arms.

Silence falls between us and I join her in observing her mural. It’s very bold, with thick brush strokes and vivid colours and made even more impressive by the fact that the painter has no hands to hold a brush with. As interesting as the finished product turned out to be I can’t find a suitable compliment for it, so I settle with a rather lacklustre attempt at flattery instead.

“It looks great, you’re very talented.” She smiles at me, at least I think it’s a smile, and nods her head. She has no doubt heard that same compliment a thousand times today but doesn’t seem to mind, she seems too laid back to really care what people think of her work and I like that. She keeps that same half smile on her face as silence surrounds us again and in spite of her relaxed appearance I find myself growing awkward in her presence. Remembering what I came for I give a slight bow and head for the dormitory door.

“Goodbye, it was nice meeting you-?”

“Rin.”

“Ok, my name’s Yumi Goto. Bye Rin, have a good night.” She doesn’t answer, instead choosing to peer intently at a spot on the mural as I push through the front doors of the girl’s dorm and head up to my room.

My camera is one of the only things in my room that I can instantly find no matter when it was last used. It always takes pride of place sitting on my windowsill in its carrier accompanied by its battery charger and a straight-to-film printer. The camera itself is my pride and joy, I’ve had it for just over a year now and it’s starting to show its age but back then it was top of the range. My mother saved up for months to surprise me on my birthday with it and reliving the memory brings a smile to my face. I grab the camera with a spring in my step and head for the door, excited to be out taking pictures of people again. I wonder if Rin would mind me taking photos of her…

Unfortunately I don’t get the chance to ask as the crimson haired girl seems to have left her vigil to watch the fireworks. I’ve still got a good ten minutes until they are scheduled to start so I decide to take my time as I make my way to Rika and my special tree. As I walk I keep my eye glued to the viewfinder, snapping photos of anything and everything that catches my eye. Through a viewfinder the world seems to come alive and the challenge of capturing that perfect moment when the space around a point overlaps in such beauty makes me feel alive with it. The snaking gold trail of a girl’s hair illuminated in the moonlight as she dashes past her friends is that sort of moment. It’s a moment that stirs up memories you can look back on and re-live, or creates whole new fantasies in your mind as you try to imagine the scene for yourself. The star of my new photo runs on towards her friends without realising what has happened and I too continue walking towards my goal. As I walk I continue to scan the festival with my camera, the party lights and cooking fires that still burn make for an interesting backdrop as I search for opportunities but a waving figure in the distance catches my eye. I bring my hand forward to the lens of the camera and twist, zooming in on the blurred figure until it finds focus. He is still slightly out of focus but standing between two stalls just out of camera range is a waving Hisao. My beaming smile is hidden behind the body of the camera as I approach him, snapping a shot of him as I draw near.

“You could have warned me if you were going to take a photo, I would have sorted this mess out.” He gestures up to his hair and I have to resist the urge to ruffle it. His cowlick from early seems to have grown and gained a number of imitators as the day has gone on. “I was just getting Rika a drink, would you like one?”

Although having Hisao pay for me all day has been nice I’m starting to feel a little guilty for taking so much from him so I politely refuse, opting instead to buy my own drink which he insists on carrying for me. I take the opportunity to snap a few more pictures of him, this time from a much more agreeable angle and distance. As I take photo after photo of Hisao the nuances of his personality start to show through like the small lines that form around his eyes when he laughs deeply or the way his lips curl when he is being sarcastic. Before I can delve deeper into my photos though we arrive at our destination; a large and ancient cherry tree situated on the very edge of the school grounds behind the main building. Its knotted and haggard branches no longer bear the beautiful cherry blossoms of its youth but they offer enough shade in the summer sun to keep both Rika and me cool. It being night renders this point moot at the moment but our tree I still a place we can relax away from the jostling crowds of the festival.

“About time you showed up Yumi, I was afraid you were going to miss it.” Rika greets Hisao and me with a smile as we approach her. “Come sit next to me Hisao, Yumi can take some photos of us.”

Someone’s keen to have pictures taken of her all of a sudden.

I keep the thought to myself and instead set about finding the perfect spot for both the display and my two friends. Pretty lights in the sky are all well and good but seeing a person’s reactions to the explosive display is much better. After some thought I decide to position my self a meter or two to the right of Rika and Hisao so I can easily pan between the fireworks themselves and my friends. From this position a gentle beam of moonlight falls across their frame and brings out a mysterious, ethereal look in them. Rika’s pure white hair seems to burn with light as it reflects the moon and her pale skin glimmers under the night’s gentle caress. Hisao in contrast seems to blend into the night as if he was a creature from its inky depths. His brown hair is a mere dark mass which matches his eyes, in this dark night they appear pitch black surrounded by a white border instead of their usual brown iris. Maybe it is because he is next to Rika who appears to radiate faint light like a muted lantern but Hisao seems to do the opposite and absorb light instead. With each beam of the moon that dances across him he seems to grow more distant, the familiar expression of being lost in thought occupying his face.

A loud bang from above the tree line snaps him out of his daze and Hisao gazes up at the ember glow of the newly released firework. The shimmering debris stays alight for a second before fading back to black leaving only faint smoke in its wake. Another green explosion follows its brother, then white and another orange as the pattern of colour continues. Each firework illuminates the ground below to the distant cries of admiration coming from the festival. I breathe deeply and time my shutter finger with the light from the fireworks, trusting the un-natural light from the gunpowder rockets to keep my subjects in focus without having to use my camera’s flash. With each passing explosion Hisao’s face is lit up and the wonder in his eyes becomes clear, he is so transfixed by the display he doesn’t seem to have noticed that Rika has edged her way closer to him and is now resting her head on his shoulder. As I look upon my two friends in such close proximity I start to feel an uncomfortable heat in my gut that threatens to turn away my gaze but luckily for me the display abruptly ends and plunges the school back into darkness.

“I think that was even better than last year!” Rika is the first to speak into the void. “What did you think Hisao?”

“Yeah it was really great. Get some good pictures Yumi?” His question is directed at my but where he thinks I am and where I actually am are two very different places.

“I think so yeah. I’ll show them to you when I print them out.” I say flicking through the pictures on the camera’s small digital display. They are mostly pictures of Hisao. With the firework display over our trio starts the walk back to the dormitories in relative silence until we part outside the dorms. Rika and I wave to Hisao as we enter the girl’s dorm and he reciprocates, smiling before turning around and heading for his own building. No sooner are we inside then Rika turns to me and excitedly bounces on her toes.

“So what do you think of him? He’s nice right? And soooo cute. Do you think he likes me? I mean we flirted a bit but I don’t know if that means anything…” As much as I try I can’t seem to pay attention to what she is saying. Rika is my friend and I value her more than anyone else at Yamaku but I can’t shake the burning feeling in the depths of my stomach. I like Hisao as well.

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 3 posted 5/9/13

Post by dewelar » Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:52 pm

Keeping an eye on this story.

One thing that threw me off while reading this chapter is that you kept flip-flopping between name orders. For instance, you called your main character both "Yumi Goto" and "Goto Yumi". Emi was "Ibarazaki Emi", but Hisao was "Hisao Nakai". Pick one and stick with it, wouldja? :D
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 3 posted 5/9/13

Post by Steinherz » Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:48 pm

dewelar wrote:Keeping an eye on this story.

One thing that threw me off while reading this chapter is that you kept flip-flopping between name orders. For instance, you called your main character both "Yumi Goto" and "Goto Yumi". Emi was "Ibarazaki Emi", but Hisao was "Hisao Nakai". Pick one and stick with it, wouldja? :D
Hence why people absolutely love (sarcasm) the difference between the Japanese and English naming conventions :lol:

Technically Jestarr was correct with both versions.
I write take a look, would you kindly?
I also draw, kind of.
KeiichiO wrote:You shall now, and forever be known as, "Steinherz, The Great".
Oddball wrote:It's an obvious mistake. Both are disfigured orphans that read alot and both wear green skirts.

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Re: Capture the moment (Hisao/OC) Chapter 3 posted 5/9/13

Post by dewelar » Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:13 pm

Steinherz wrote:
dewelar wrote:Keeping an eye on this story.

One thing that threw me off while reading this chapter is that you kept flip-flopping between name orders. For instance, you called your main character both "Yumi Goto" and "Goto Yumi". Emi was "Ibarazaki Emi", but Hisao was "Hisao Nakai". Pick one and stick with it, wouldja? :D
Hence why people absolutely love (sarcasm) the difference between the Japanese and English naming conventions :lol:

Technically Jestarr was correct with both versions.
*nods* I suppose Yumi might introduce herself differently to different people on purpose, especially when one of them is Rin :D .
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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