Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

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brythain
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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by brythain » Sat Mar 07, 2015 11:30 am

I like the way everything unravels so that you can tie things up better at the edges. That's tapestry-weaving for you. :)
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by dewelar » Sat Mar 07, 2015 4:56 pm

First of all, thanks to those brave few who have waded in with kind words for this chapter!
Solistor wrote:
dewelar wrote:Heartache 101
Based MG here
Cool! That's at least three of us here, then.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Beautiful chapter again.
Thanks very much.
Coming onto the home stretch, are you?
Indeed, in more ways than one. Each chapter seems to be taking longer than the last now, because there's so much riding on each, and there's so much left to be said. The seemingly ever-decreasing amount of feedback means that I'm also less engaged with the boards these past few months, which I think contributes to my overall activity level.

Winter blahs, too, so maybe business will pick up again once DST kicks in :) .
brythain wrote:I like the way everything unravels so that you can tie things up better at the edges. That's tapestry-weaving for you. :)
And thanks for this, too. This being a realistic story, there will still be some threads left untied, although hopefully woven together well enough to indicate a finished product (or, more likely, a different finished product for each person who reads the whole thing).
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by ogorhan » Sat Mar 07, 2015 11:11 pm

Great chapter as always, it was quite nice on how how the relationship between shizune & lilly improves and that hanako & lilly have reconciled.

As for the next chapter or rest of the story, I dont have a clue on how it will go from here on out since it seems everything is sorted out. My guess is either a Emi or Hisao POV for the next chapter :D
しれー、しれぇー!、しれぇーってばー!ねー!、おーい、きこえてないのー?ぅおーい!

Tokitsukaze y u so cute.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by Oscar Wildecat » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:33 am

dewelar wrote: Winter blahs, too, so maybe business will pick up again once DST kicks in :) .
Now that DST has kicked me in the lemon-hole...
<Hisao again?> I say, not bothering to contain my smile. <You still aren't going to give up on that, are you?>
Resolutions are a wonderful thing. Both for Lilly and Hanako, and the story as a whole.

Somebody needs to tell Shizune that, however...

:wink:
I like all the girls in KS, but empathize with Hanako the most.
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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by griffon8 » Thu Mar 12, 2015 8:02 am

And now I’m finally caught up.

Whenever I’m away from these boards for a while, I catch up by reading all the updates since my last visit. This always involves saving my favorites for last.

Since I edit MTTB, that gets read earlier than anyone else’s; Tomorrow’s Doom isn’t updating much of late; other stories have either finished or been abandoned. Developments just doesn’t have competition when it comes to what I read last.

Which makes the idea that it will end soon a little sad. But too many things have been ruined by overstaying its welcome. Going out on top is the way to go.

I don’t think I have anything to add that hasn’t been said already. Perhaps when I’m not struggling with typing on an iPad.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by dewelar » Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:49 am

ogorhan wrote:Great chapter as always, it was quite nice on how how the relationship between shizune & lilly improves and that hanako & lilly have reconciled.
Thanks. Since this chapter essentially wraps these arcs up, I wanted to make sure it was done right. I hope at least most folks reading think it was -- as I said above, for me there was a lot riding on it.
As for the next chapter or rest of the story, I dont have a clue on how it will go from here on out since it seems everything is sorted out. My guess is either a Emi or Hisao POV for the next chapter :D
Well, there are some still loose ends for Hanako, too :) . Each of the protagonists needs a wrap-up chapter, and this was Lilly's.
Oscar Wildecat wrote:
dewelar wrote: <Hisao again?> I say, not bothering to contain my smile. <You still aren't going to give up on that, are you?>
Resolutions are a wonderful thing. Both for Lilly and Hanako, and the story as a whole.

Somebody needs to tell Shizune that, however...

:wink:
*laughs* Believe me, they've tried...
griffon8 wrote:And now I’m finally caught up.

Whenever I’m away from these boards for a while, I catch up by reading all the updates since my last visit. This always involves saving my favorites for last.

Since I edit MTTB, that gets read earlier than anyone else’s; Tomorrow’s Doom isn’t updating much of late; other stories have either finished or been abandoned. Developments just doesn’t have competition when it comes to what I read last.

Which makes the idea that it will end soon a little sad. But too many things have been ruined by overstaying its welcome. Going out on top is the way to go.
Aww, thank you kindly. I am humbled by the company I keep. It definitely saddens me that Tomorrow’s Doom has now gone a year without an update. Along with Sisterhood, it was one of my inspirations to start this story, and even if it remains unfinished it will probably always be my favorite KS OC fic.
I don’t think I have anything to add that hasn’t been said already. Perhaps when I’m not struggling with typing on an iPad.
Oh, dear. Yeah, I do not do well with anything smaller than a full-size keyboard either.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:23 am

Wait..so MTtB is doing some activity? That's good, at least, because I love the Iwanako idea and wanna see that. But I also do love TD and want to see what happens when shit really hits the fan.

I always liked Suzu's pseudo route, as far as OC stories go (Her personality was given by fans, and not the writers, so I'm counting that) and, since that's one of the few truly finished stories, that's what I say in my favorite.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by dewelar » Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:50 am

HoneyBakedHam wrote:Wait..so MTtB is doing some activity? That's good, at least, because I love the Iwanako idea and wanna see that.
I know Leaty is working on her story. She's also been very helpful to me with some aspects of this story, both past and future. Leaty rocks, full stop.
I always liked Suzu's pseudo route, as far as OC stories go (Her personality was given by fans, and not the writers, so I'm counting that) and, since that's one of the few truly finished stories, that's what I say in my favorite.
I agree that PPSR is essentially an OC story, but I still prefer TD even in its unfinished state. Helbereth just flat-out did a better job at creating a world filled with living, breathing characters (no pun intended). I just hope he can push past that writers' block he's talked about soon.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by brythain » Thu Mar 12, 2015 12:34 pm

Well, I've thought about what I'll be feeling when Developments finally is fully developed and everything is neatly tied off.

I shall feel rather sad because there won't be any more of this particular journey, and because the development of dewelar as a writer will likely be more incremental and less amazing. Developments has gone from good to wonderful, to (on occasion) weirdly fitting and oddly experimental. It's a keystone work, I think.

But I shall also feel giddily happy because it will be complete. When I first got here, I remember being disappointed that it wasn't. It was one of the works that inspired me to start writing stuff. And dewelar has always been helpful to new writers while juggling such heavy burdens. All that, I am personally very grateful for.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:12 pm

dewelar wrote:It definitely saddens me that Tomorrow’s Doom has now gone a year without an update. Along with Sisterhood, it was one of my inspirations to start this story, and even if it remains unfinished it will probably always be my favorite KS OC fic.
brythain wrote:[developments] was one of the works that inspired me to start writing stuff. And dewelar has always been helpful to new writers while juggling such heavy burdens.
And thus the torch is passed on :D
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by brythain » Thu Mar 12, 2015 8:25 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
dewelar wrote:It definitely saddens me that Tomorrow’s Doom has now gone a year without an update. Along with Sisterhood, it was one of my inspirations to start this story, and even if it remains unfinished it will probably always be my favorite KS OC fic.
brythain wrote:[developments] was one of the works that inspired me to start writing stuff. And dewelar has always been helpful to new writers while juggling such heavy burdens.
And thus the torch is passed on :D
One of the factors that keeps the torch burning is the supportive community as a whole — and in particular a certain proofreader-type who appears out of nowhere and helps people find and fix the problems in their writing. Yes? :)
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:21 pm

Honestly? I thought you've been here forever and just was phantom-reading for the longest time like I did, Brythain, given how many different stories and perspectives of the same story that made it seem like whole new stories. I didn't know you were new to this.

I know I still have my original idea with my OC fanfic that I want to do, but I feel as if I need help with writing it (as I am not good with trying to make individual minds and keeping the already-made characters with their in-character thinking and behavior, to be honest).

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by Leaty » Sun Mar 15, 2015 9:27 pm

Alright. I just did some yoga so I'm feeling sharp. Let's see if I can catch up with all the criticisms I'm known for (not) making. And let me show off the font I just downloaded. Because it is hilariously awful.

Image
Okay, so let's start with some of the metatextual stuff, the content that precedes the content. I suspect that you missed out on (or, at least, passed over) an interesting opportunity when you chose the Emi POV instead of the Hisao POV for this scene. The reason I say that, even though I prefer Emi to Hisao as a character, is because the primary difference between this sex scene and the Emi Route sex scenes is Hisao himself. Hisao in Emi's route has his sexual debut (fuck the word "virgin" and all its sexist baggage) with her, though his first experience with actual PiV happens offscreen. But Hisao in Developments obviously didn't—he had his sexual debut with Lilly, after all, and made love to her several times over the course of their short relationship. So it would have been interesting to explore, from his perspective, some of the differences between lovemaking with Lilly and lovemaking with Emi. Just little details—the texture of their hair, the sound of their voices, the feeling of their hands pressing into Hisao's skin—that sort of thing. It would have been an interesting direction, is all I'm saying.

And I don't concur with the notion that a sex scene was gratuitous or pointless; I think it was needed to reify for the reader the seriousness of their relationship. I feel like too many people on this section of the boards consider "don't write sex scenes" to be a Cardinal Rule of Katawa Shoujo fanfiction, and while there definitely are those rules ("Don't write Hanako BEFFs" being like the Golden Rule,) I don't think that's one of them at all; in fact, the idea that it is is patently ridiculous. KS has sex scenes; any fic that aspires to replicate the experience of KS can logically incorporate sex scenes. That's just how it is, and I don't think any of them have been terrible. Believe me, I've read a lot of sex scenes, and I've seen some total clunkers.

That said, I really think it's kind of selling this chapter short to call it "the sex chapter": There was a lot of really interesting stuff, particularly at the beginning. The early parts of the chapter are fun, and I enjoyed both the banter and the physical intimacy between Hisao and Emi before the actual sex started happening—I particularly liked the ruminations about Hajime (Press CONFIRM to adopt to 'Your Headcanon'. *click*) I never really considered how the fallout between them might have gone, but I like the dudebro-ish characterization you chose for him. Despite that, I agree with Emi: I really hope Haji is doing okay, for some reason. (canon-Iwanako/Hajime might be a fun ship, actually.)

Speaking of ships, bringing back the pirate references during the thick of the sex scene miiiiiiiight just have been on the goofy side. I don't know; I've been rereading it and it made me roll my eyes, and I'm not sure if it was in a good way or a bad way. Generally, though, I think you have a tendency to hit your stride writing Emi/Hisao banter—it made me smile and even giggle a few times and even amidst a backdrop of lascivious fucking it's still pretty hilarious.

Anyway, that's all I'll say about this chapter—I won't critique the sex content because it's not my area of expertise. (If I ever write a sex scene, I'm going to seriously research how one goes about doing that, possibly for weeks. Nobody sells their first cake at the bakery.)

Image
I'm glad you wrote this, because I really wanted a Meiko POV in this story.

Meiko kind of fixates on calling herself old, doesn't she? While I know that this is mostly because, given her status as a widow and everything she's gone through, she feels old, I kinda wonder what her upbringing was like. This is just an idle thought, but like, while we've seen a little explored about Lilly and Shizune's grandparents, and safely can assume that Hanako's grandparents died ages ago, and there's even a little information in the VN about Hisao's grandfather, and we don't even get to know anything about Rin's parents because her backstory is a complete cop-out, Emi's the only character whose extended family never comes up at all. To be fair, there's not even enough Meiko scenes in the route my tastes, but...

I kind of get this vibe that Meiko had a mother who heavily policed her femininity, growing up. In your writing it comes out even stronger... there's just this vibe that Meiko's a victim of some regressive attitudes about women or about beauty and she's the primary victim of them. Luckily I don't think they passed to Emi, but... other than physically, I don't think Emi is anything like her mother. With Meiko... Well, I have headcanons, but I might need them later. Suffice to say for now that I've always felt there were characters in the VN who seemed more like Meiko's daughter than Emi herself.

Anyway, good interlude, happy interlude. (Also you forgot to update the "Next" link there.)

Image
I think that for this chapter, the reason that some of your readers felt a disconnect with the sheer amount of lilting is because the Misha-voice in your head was too different from the Misha-voice in your various readers' heads. I can say personally, that reading this chapter, there were definitely some sentences that I wished you could read out loud to me, particularly in the more dramatic parts, because I flatly had no idea how they were supposed to sound. I got over it, but if there hadn't been any tildes in this chapter, it's not like I'd have angrily posted "WTF Dewelar, WHER MAH TILDES?"

So... I thought Noriko was straight for some reason, and I can't tell if her jokey flirting with Misha was a sign that she's a switch-hitter or not. I'm still not really getting the vibe that she is—she doesn't seem fond of many girls. Speaking of Noriko, what's going on between her and Rika? I'm coming up with a lot of different possibilities there, and not really picking out any frontrunners.

Anyway, the chapter from here on out becomes a pretty impressive feat of narrative engineering. There's a lot going on here, because the stories of these characters are so intertwined; all these characters are coming to the climax of their arcs and there's so many different dynamics at work, between all these characters. It's extremely complicated business, and you've done good work sorting it out.

One criticism that does leap out of me is that Misha's romantic frustration with Shizune seems, well... Sort of new to the plot of this fanfic. I mean it's not new to the audience, because obviously we know about Misha's worries from Shizune's route in the VN, but this chapter seems to focus heavily on Misha's patience becoming strained, and... how well was that straining depicted in earlier chapters? That's not a rhetorical question. I admit it's been a while since I've looked at some of the older ones but it seems like this plot point suddenly leaps into existence solely for Misha's own chapter. I don't remember seeing any hints in the background that she was becoming quite so frustrated as she seems in this chapter.

Obviously, Mayoi's concern and sympathy for Misha (and for Lilly, and for Hanako,) is extremely sweet, and as a queer woman with an abhorrent mother, I feel really bad for her—she deserves a stronger role in her family's lives than she's been allotted. It's a complex situation, obviously, but she's clearly a good influence on... everybody, really (Hideaki isn't in this fic, so we don't really get to see, but...) I'm honestly kind of concerned that Lilly and Shizune are just kind of taking advantage of her right now, like as soon as summer break is over and all these quarrels get smoothed out, Mayoi will go back to living alone and just kinda quietly living in the background.

Oh, and hey, I didn't realize that the numbness in Hanako's scars was canon to this fic, too. Anyway, for her to figure out Misha's feelings for Shizune isn't the kind of thing I would have come up with easily, but honestly, it makes sense—catastrophic miscalculation of Hisao's feelings aside, she's anything but oblivious.
dewelar wrote:"When I f-finally came back to school, e-everything had...changed. I w-was still in the same school as all my f-friends, but they called me n-names...just like everyone else did. A c-couple weeks after coming back, during one of the breaks, a g-girl took the hat I was wearing, that I...n-needed to keep the sun off. She and some others...were throwing it around, and when I tried to g-get it back, a c-couple of them...h-held me back...and p-pulled on my hair."
Oh, fuck. I cringed the first time I read this, and then I forgot about it, and now I'm reading it again and fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Why do you do this to me, Dewelar?

(Funny sidenote: that story is true. Well, not all of Iwanako's guilt and pathos about it, but yeah, there was a girl with cancer and another student (a boy, actually,) who tried to get her to take her hat off. The teacher stopped him. Then, before the end of the school year, she died. Later on in life, that dude was like "yeah, I was kind of an asshole and I'm ashamed of it.")

I really like the content of Mayoi's story at the end of the chapter here, but something about the delivery seems off. Like, you deserve props for the story because you found all the connections and it's solid and brilliant and it all makes a lot of sense, but... I don't know. There's something wrong with the way it's presented. I want to say "it's not conversational enough," and maybe, yeah, it's not conversational enough. It sounds recited, in... a not-so-good way. I'm imagining it in a visual novel context with lots of different CGs in a sepia tone, and that kinda works, but written as it is here... I dunno. There's a stiltedness to it. It's just not natural enough, I don't think.

Image
Le sigh. Mayoi's hospitality makes me nostalgic for sleepovers. Nowadays I don't crash at a friend's house unless I'm not good to drive, and I don't really have any family members I love enough to visit... Anyway, the point is, poor Mayoi. She just wants to help! I would watch old movies with you if I could, Mayoi.

Anyway, there's a lot going on here, but the most important thing is that this chapter is the climax of the Lilly/Hanako arc, and it's an exceedingly good one. I'm considerably more tired at this point of the post than I was when I started it, so my comments are going to be on the sloppier side, but, long story short, I think this chapter managed to do something I don't think other fics have done as well—it finally put Lilly and Hanako on equal terms. I don't think there was ever really any threat of Lilly and Hanako's friendship turning out to be irreparable; that was a foregone conclusion. But the way it happens is great, worth the whole journey. The dialogue is rock-solid and the characterization is spot-on for this point in their development.

The conversation with Lilly and Shizune is wonderful, as well—one thing I've really enjoyed about the fic is finally watching the distance between them start to close, and I believe this is the climax of that arc as well. The past two chapters have been, I think, very transformative; all four of the girls leave in much better spirits than they arrived in, and that matters so much. All of the Mayoi chapters throughout this story have had kind of this "sanctuary" vibe—it's one of the differences between Mayoi and Meiko, actually. People seem to mellow out in Mayoi's presence, but the reverse tends to be true for Meiko, at least where Emi and Hisao are concerned. (Maybe not Rin, but for the purposes of this comparison, Rin is a neutron.) Obviously, as I think I've demonstrated time and time again, I fret over the moms of this story a lot more than the story has time to indulge me. (Have I mentioned that's one of my favorite things about this fic compared to the VN? There's an overemphasis on fathers and father figures in the VN, but moms never really get a chance to shine.)

Speaking of, I'm really excited to hear how that conversation with Lilly's dad goes. I know it's happening off-screen, but I can't wait to hear the results.

Blah. Time to shave my legs.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by dewelar » Mon Mar 16, 2015 12:08 am

Okay, before I dive into Leaty's post...
brythain wrote:some of the kinder things that have been said about me.
*bows head* Thank you very much. I wish I could say I had more time to help new writers than I do, especially these past few months, but I do try.
Mirage_GSM wrote:And thus the torch is passed on :D
Indeed.

And now...Leaty, I know I'm responding to this before your PM, because I'm still processing that thing. I'll get back to you on it in a day or two.
Leaty wrote:And let me show off the font I just downloaded. Because it is hilariously awful.
It really is!
On Hisao PoV vs. Emi PoV
Yeah, I do understand what you're saying, and I don't think I've seen that sort of thing done (or at least, not done well), so it definitely would have been interesting. However, given what I wanted to show in this chapter it had to be Emi PoV. I could have done the scene twice, once from each PoV, but I might have had a revolt on my hands :(.
That said, I really think it's kind of selling this chapter short to call it "the sex chapter": There was a lot of really interesting stuff, particularly at the beginning. The early parts of the chapter are fun, and I enjoyed both the banter and the physical intimacy between Hisao and Emi before the actual sex started happening—I particularly liked the ruminations about Hajime (Press CONFIRM to adopt to 'Your Headcanon'. *click*) I never really considered how the fallout between them might have gone, but I like the dudebro-ish characterization you chose for him. Despite that, I agree with Emi: I really hope Haji is doing okay, for some reason. (canon-Iwanako/Hajime might be a fun ship, actually.)
Thanks to all of this. I do not consider the sex scene to be the most intimate thing that happened in this chapter.
Speaking of ships, bringing back the pirate references during the thick of the sex scene miiiiiiiight just have been on the goofy side. I don't know; I've been rereading it and it made me roll my eyes, and I'm not sure if it was in a good way or a bad way.
Heh, that's fine. For me, at least, it's infinitely better than constant lemon references :roll:.
Generally, though, I think you have a tendency to hit your stride writing Emi/Hisao banter—it made me smile and even giggle a few times and even amidst a backdrop of lascivious fucking it's still pretty hilarious.
Cool. I'm glad the fun I have writing it comes out :) .
I'm glad you wrote this, because I really wanted a Meiko POV in this story.
Well, you have your own editor to thank for the idea of having one. This was nowhere near my drawing board until a few days before posting. It was more about getting another piece of my headcanon down in electrons than anything else :).
Regarding Meiko's background and the like...
My headcanon is that Meiko was definitely brought up in a more traditional Japanese way. I've alluded here and there to the issues that face her (and by extension Emi) in Japanese society, and it's only now that she's starting to become her own person.

Also, we badly need more stories of Rin's family.
Anyway, good interlude, happy interlude. (Also you forgot to update the "Next" link there.)
Thanks, and will fix!
I think that for this chapter, the reason that some of your readers felt a disconnect with the sheer amount of lilting is because the Misha-voice in your head was too different from the Misha-voice in your various readers' heads. I can say personally, that reading this chapter, there were definitely some sentences that I wished you could read out loud to me, particularly in the more dramatic parts, because I flatly had no idea how they were supposed to sound.
*laughs* I could say similar things about some of Misha's dialogue in the game, actually, but yeah, this story has pretty much always been written with the idea that it was going to be read aloud in the back of my head. The wavedashes signify many different vocal variations for Misha. I've got this idea in my head that Misha's voice sometimes careers about, sort of like The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy from "Dave the Barbarian".
So... I thought Noriko was straight for some reason, and I can't tell if her jokey flirting with Misha was a sign that she's a switch-hitter or not. I'm still not really getting the vibe that she is—she doesn't seem fond of many girls.
Oh, dear, the backstory I could spout on this...
Speaking of Noriko, what's going on between her and Rika? I'm coming up with a lot of different possibilities there, and not really picking out any frontrunners.
...and this. I'm afraid I'll have to refrain until the story's complete, though.
Anyway, the chapter from here on out becomes a pretty impressive feat of narrative engineering. There's a lot going on here, because the stories of these characters are so intertwined; all these characters are coming to the climax of their arcs and there's so many different dynamics at work, between all these characters. It's extremely complicated business, and you've done good work sorting it out.
Thank you.
One criticism that does leap out of me is that Misha's romantic frustration with Shizune seems, well... Sort of new to the plot of this fanfic.

&c.
There have been hints, but they've been intentionally subtle due to Misha not really having much screen time. Look, for instance, at how little Misha there is in the Shizune PoV chapter, and the events that led up to it. Would it be that way just over a disagreement over Hisao-x-Hanako vs. Hisao-x-Lilly?
Obviously, Mayoi's concern and sympathy for Misha (and for Lilly, and for Hanako,) is extremely sweet, and as a queer woman with an abhorrent mother, I feel really bad for her—she deserves a stronger role in her family's lives than she's been allotted. It's a complex situation, obviously, but she's clearly a good influence on... everybody, really (Hideaki isn't in this fic, so we don't really get to see, but...) I'm honestly kind of concerned that Lilly and Shizune are just kind of taking advantage of her right now, like as soon as summer break is over and all these quarrels get smoothed out, Mayoi will go back to living alone and just kinda quietly living in the background.
There is a small, selfish, prideful part of me that likes to think that eventually some of these really interesting comments might inspire somebody to write something themselves to explore this stuff, if only because it will be a while before I'll have the energy to do it myself.
Oh, and hey, I didn't realize that the numbness in Hanako's scars was canon to this fic, too.
If it's not canon, it might as well be, because given the amount of damage she suffered it's quite likely.
Anyway, for her to figure out Misha's feelings for Shizune isn't the kind of thing I would have come up with easily, but honestly, it makes sense—catastrophic miscalculation of Hisao's feelings aside, she's anything but oblivious.
*nods* It's canon that she's not always reading the book she's hiding behind. She pays attention to things.
on the stealing of hats...

Oh, fuck. I cringed the first time I read this, and then I forgot about it, and now I'm reading it again and fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Why do you do this to me, Dewelar?
Okay, I'll admit it, this one was intentional :wink:.

Well, at least in that it was inspired by the passage you quoted, and also my own childhood experiences with having my own hat stolen repeatedly. I totally believe your own anecdote to be true for those same reasons.
I really like the content of Mayoi's story at the end of the chapter here, but something about the delivery seems off.
Yes. You see, Mayoi is Telling A Story Now, So Please Listen Closely, Children, And Learn Things.
I think this chapter managed to do something I don't think other fics have done as well—it finally put Lilly and Hanako on equal terms.
*happy sigh* I've said it before, but it always feels good to hear that one has accomplished what one has set out to do, and done a good job with it. Again, thank you.
The conversation with Lilly and Shizune is wonderful, as well—one thing I've really enjoyed about the fic is finally watching the distance between them start to close, and I believe this is the climax of that arc as well.
It was meant to be, yes. These two, like most of the other characters in this story, are now moving in...if not necessarily the right direction, then at least a good direction.
Obviously, as I think I've demonstrated time and time again, I fret over the moms of this story a lot more than the story has time to indulge me. (Have I mentioned that's one of my favorite things about this fic compared to the VN? There's an overemphasis on fathers and father figures in the VN, but moms never really get a chance to shine.)
I don't know if I've said this before, but for whatever reason I have found through the course of writing this story that I feel more comfortable writing for female characters than for male characters -- or at least this specific batch of female characters. Make of that what you will, I suppose.
Speaking of, I'm really excited to hear how that conversation with Lilly's dad goes. I know it's happening off-screen, but I can't wait to hear the results.
*hums to himself*
Blah. Time to shave my legs.
As long as your next post doesn't mention Deana Carter, I'll let this slide.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Blank Mage
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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Neutral End) - Ch.57 posted 3/6

Post by Blank Mage » Wed Mar 25, 2015 1:30 pm

Okay, it's past time I caught up on all the fics I've been putting off! (I feel kinda bad that I've slacked off, and you read my stuff within hours of my posting...) I left off when Hanako lost the race.

I'll have opinions for you by the end of the day.
edit: the world conspires against me.
dewelar wrote:The seemingly ever-decreasing amount of feedback means that I'm also less engaged with the boards these past few months, which I think contributes to my overall activity level.
I feel baaaaaaad
And we're back.
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"I wish I could convey to you just how socially inept I am, but I can't."
"I think you just did."
"No, I really, truly haven't."

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