Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Interlude 2 up 10/14]

Post by Guest Poster » Mon Oct 14, 2013 11:26 am

True enough. However, in every fan-verse there are things that are portrayed in a certain way nearly universally (e.g., as mentioned in another thread, that Kenji's never-named-in-canon ex-girlfriend is Yuuko), to the point that it gets questioned when portrayed otherwise.
I certainly wouldn't be among those people. In my opinion, fanon exists to be challenged and stretched from time to time. It prevents things from becoming too stale.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Interlude 2 up 10/14]

Post by dewelar » Mon Oct 14, 2013 11:51 am

Guest Poster wrote:
True enough. However, in every fan-verse there are things that are portrayed in a certain way nearly universally (e.g., as mentioned in another thread, that Kenji's never-named-in-canon ex-girlfriend is Yuuko), to the point that it gets questioned when portrayed otherwise.
I certainly wouldn't be among those people. In my opinion, fanon exists to be challenged and stretched from time to time. It prevents things from becoming too stale.
*nods* I didn't mean to imply otherwise, although I see how my comment could be read that way. What I was trying to avoid by mentioning it was having to answer the otherwise-inevitable "why are you doing it this way when everybody knows it's this other way?" questions.

In Yoshiro's case, while I wouldn't change the information I have already in mind for him, I was interested to know if some particular details existed in fanon that I could use to augment my mental picture. Since there doesn't seem to be any that are consistent, I can now proceed apace with my own development of the character.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

Luxray
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Aug 18, 2013 1:04 pm
Location: Number Four Hundred and Five

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Interlude 2 up 10/14]

Post by Luxray » Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:35 pm

Clearly, Hisao has realised his folly of pursuing the svelte Emi or the reticent Hanako, and now favours the third option of Yoshiro. He loves them blind students.

In all seriousness, it will be interesting to see how you introduce and use this new character. I wasn't expecting more cast members in the story, so being surprised is nice; that said, his arrival does lead me to draw my own conclusions about where this eventual story is going... :D

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Developments, Chapter 20 (Notes at end)

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 19, 2013 1:47 pm

As I go through my morning routine, there's really only one thought in my head: Hisao's promise to be at lunch today. He made that promise even after asking for some time to himself. He's had a lot going on these past two weeks, so I still can't blame him for that. I hope he doesn't feel he needs to avoid me again, but a small part of me can't help but expect to be alone in the tea room.

Trying to push that fear down, I head down to the library, hoping to find more comfort there than I have in recent days. As I walk in and wave to Yuuko, I reflect on the irony of having first talked with Hisao here. In the place where I'd gone so often to avoid people, I'd met the person who has become the most important in my life.

It feels good to be able to think things like that now without having to feel guilty.

Before Lilly and Hisao's parting, I'd always buried the thoughts I had about him. I denied I had them, even to myself. Maybe I'd gotten so used to not being able to express myself outwardly that doing the same inwardly came too naturally. Now, I don't have to worry about the latter anymore.

Maybe soon, I'll be able to do both...

Once I have the book I want, I make my way to the beanbag chairs in the back. One thing that hasn't changed is how the rest of the world sees me, so I still prefer to spend time away from it. That's probably never going to change, but after all these years I'm finding that there are a precious few people who can see me as I am and not shy away.

After spending a couple hours enjoying the quiet atmosphere, I hear the familiar sound of a head hitting a shelf...or maybe it was two? Distracted by the oddity, I almost miss the familiar sound of Hisao's voice talking to Yuuko, along with a third voice, which I think belongs to one of Lilly's classmates. At first, I don't look up from my book, as there are several reasons Hisao could be here this early, but after a couple minutes I hear approaching footsteps.

He's probably here to cancel lunch after all...

Hisao comes over to the beanbags and hesitates for a moment before sitting on the one across from mine. I wait for a moment to see if he's going to say something first, but he doesn't, so I look up from my book to him. "Hisao!" I say, trying to act as though I'd just noticed him.

"Hey, Hanako," he replies. "I didn't mean to startle you. I just...wanted to ask you something."

That's how these things usually start, isn't it?

"S-sure."

"Did you...make something for lunch today?"

At least he wants to make sure I didn't go to any trouble before letting me down. You're very considerate, Hisao.

"N-no, I didn't. Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you might want to go into the city with me today."

And...

Wait...

What...did Hisao just...ask me...?


I freeze for a moment, because it sounded like he just asked me on a date. This time, my sensible side has to remind me that this is probably no different from the times I would go into the city with Lilly and Akira. I still have no reason to think it's anything more. That doesn't stop my heart from starting to race.

As I sit there at war with myself, Hisao tries to fill the silence. "I just thought...since you're only going to be here a few more days, we should at least try to do something fun. As long as I don't exert myself too much, I should be all right." He laughs a bit nervously. "I guess not being able to go into town has had me kind of on edge, you know?"

I swallow, then take a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. "It s-sounds like a good idea. What did you...have in mind?"

Hisao rubs the back of his head. "Well, I don't really know the city all that well. I only know a few places I went with Lilly."

"S-same here." That's the problem, and it's why I'm nervous about the whole idea. It would be much easier just to spend time here, but I need to keep showing Hisao that I can help him, too. If Hisao needs to get out, then that's what we're going to do.

Maybe this time I can keep my anxiety under control...

"Well, if it's something besides shopping or having tea, you've got me beat."

I giggle at that. I remember the two of us dragging Hisao around on shopping trips in town. On the other hand, he's probably thinking about the day they went shopping for my birthday presents. I think about the doll Hisao picked out for me, and wonder where he found it. Lilly said it was some kind of antique shop. If it's not too far of a walk for him, I wouldn't mind visiting it.

I think for a moment about other things I'd done with Lilly and Akira, and then the perfect idea strikes me. It's a place we can spend a while in without Hisao having to exert himself, and I don't have to worry about people seeing me. I'm not sure what Hisao will think of the idea, though.

"How do you feel about...karaoke?"

Hisao hesitates before answering. "Wow...I haven't done karaoke in years. I guess that doesn't sound too bad, though. I don't exactly have the best voice, but why not?"

I smile a little, relieved that he agreed. It's been a few months since I've had the chance to sing myself, and I've missed it. I really can't do that sort of thing here. "W-when did you want to go?"

Hisao smiles, a bit nervously. "I was thinking about...maybe now?"

If I wasn't thrown off balance before, I certainly am now. Still, under the circumstances, I think I can be ready for this. "O-okay. I...just need to go back to the dorm and...get some things."

Hisao smiles at me, and he also looks a bit relieved. "Thanks, Hanako. I really appreciate this. Meet you at the front gate in...half an hour sound good?" I nod, and Hisao says, "See you then," as he gets up and walks away.

Once I put my book away I head back to the dorm so that I can grab my cap and jacket. The more I think about this, the more excited I get. The only time the two of us have spent together away from Yamaku has been the disastrous walk into town, so if this goes well maybe we can put that behind us.

As for Hisao, I could tell he was in a better mood, against all my expectations. He seemed more positive this morning than he's been in a long time, at least since before exams. Still, something Hisao said struck me pretty hard.

"...since you're only going to be here a few more days..."

It's something I had been trying not to think about. In a few days, I'll need to let Naomi know if I'll be joining her and Natsume for the rest of our planned trip. If I'm going to make that decision without any reservations, I need to somehow bring myself to let Hisao know how I feel. Today might just give me that opportunity.

If he returns my feelings, I'd definitely want to spend the rest of the break together. If he doesn't, then I'd just as soon be somewhere else.

When I get to the bus stop, Hisao is sitting there with his backpack. "Hi, Hanako," he says as I sit down next to him. "Are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, I kind of sprung this on you suddenly."

"I'm...looking forward to it," I say reassuringly. "Karaoke was...my idea, right?" Hisao opens his mouth briefly, then shakes his head with a sheepish grin. Before he can say anything, the bus comes into view, and we both get ready to board.

On the bus, our seats are on the right side, so I wait for Hisao to sit next to the window before sitting down next to him. Riding down the hill from Yamaku, both of us are quiet. Hisao seems preoccupied, staring out the window. Searching for a topic of conversation, I ask Hisao, "So...how was your run this m-morning?"

"Hm?" Hisao says, trying to snap out of his reverie. "Oh...yeah, my run. It was all right, I guess...I mean, I didn't have any problems. I think Emi was having some trouble, though. She said she was okay, so I'm trying not to worry about it."

I suppose I walked into that one. Trying not to worry about it...I hope that doesn't mean that I'm just a distraction for you.

Soon, we're in the city, and I try my best to keep an eye out the window until I see where we need to get off. "This...is our stop," I say as I get out of the seat. We pay our fares and make our way the short distance to the karaoke establishment, which Akira said was one of the quieter ones when she brought us here. The booths are a bit small, but since I've never come with more than a couple others, it hasn't mattered.

In the past, we'd only come here at night after Akira had finished work. During the day, I can feel more eyes on me, so I make sure to stick as close as possible to Hisao. When we get there, he pays the attendant for two hours. "That should give me plenty of time to recover from the extra walking," Hisao says, half-jokingly, as we enter the booth. "I may need a while longer to recover from the embarrassment of performing."

We're both fairly hungry, so while I pull up the list of music Hisao looks over the lunch menu. I'm not really familiar with current music, other than what I occasionally hear when Natsume brings her MP3 player to the newspaper club, so I decide to start out with something familiar by Yumi Matsutoya. When the song is over, Hisao looks at me with a slight smile on his face. "I can see why you like doing this, Hanako. You have a really nice voice."

I can't help but blush a little at the compliment. "When I'm singing...I feel more confident with my voice. I don't...stammer, like I usually do. I've missed it a lot. It's good to have...someone to share it with."

"Well, I'm honored to be that someone. You're a lot better at it than I could ever dream of being. I did karaoke a few times with friends from my old high school, but I usually avoided actually singing as much as I could. I suppose that's not possible now, so let me find something I know and you order your lunch."

For the next hour or so, the two of us eat, talk about books and music, and occasionally sing something. Hisao seems to pick songs related to anime or video games, none of which I recognize. He's right that his voice isn't that great, but at least he seems to be enjoying himself. Meanwhile, I stick to a few songs that I know. As usual, I make a total mess of Akina Nakamori, but singing something of hers has become kind of a tradition for me. Ever since I found out she attempted suicide on the day after I was born, I've felt a strange kinship with her. Hisao is enough of a gentleman not to complain about how I sound on this one.

All too soon, there's only about half an hour left. Time's running short to fulfill one other promise I made to myself, to sing one particular song every time I come to a place like this. I've never told anyone why. I take a deep breath, and start the music to Momoe Yamaguchi's "Cosmos".

After the song finishes, I nearly collapse onto the couch, feeling drained emotionally. It's why I always wait until the session is nearly over to do this one. Hisao slides toward me, a look of concern on his face, but I smile reassuringly. It seems to work, and he says "That was pretty impressive. You really put your all into that song. It must be special to you."

"It is," I say, looking down to help collect myself.

"Would you be...willing to tell me why?"

Thank you for caring enough to ask, Hisao.

I take a deep breath before starting my explanation. "One of the...wards at the orphanage used to play it a lot. W-when I listened to the words...I used to wonder if she w-was just being cruel to us...to me. Later, I f-found out that the ward's m-mother had died just b-before her wedding. Now, each time I sing it...I make up for one of the times...I thought badly of her. So, when I sing that...I think of her...and my mother."

"You still miss her a lot, don't you?"

I nod, still unable to look Hisao in the eye. "I n-never told you the w-whole story about the...accident. The only reason I...survived was b-because she..." I can feel myself trembling, and Hisao reaches out and wraps his arms around me. "...she protected me by surrounding me with her own body. Sometimes...I s-still have n-nightmares..."

By now, I can't even speak as I try to keep from sobbing. "I'm...s-sorry...I...c-can't..." I say before burying my face in Hisao's chest, and I begin to cry in earnest. He makes shushing noises, and begins to stroke my hair in an effort to comfort me. As he does, a feeling of safety envelops me, like my blanket and nightgown, but somehow warmer...

Hisao...I'm sorry...I'm ruining things again...but I'm so grateful you're here now...

Time seems to stand still as we sit there, my head resting on Hisao's chest. I try to focus on the sound of his heartbeat to try and help me calm down, and for the first time I hear its irregular rhythm. This is what brought him to Yamaku, what brought him into my life. Hearing it makes me feel just a little bit more connected to him.

I lift up my head to look at him. "Arrhythmia," he says, in answer to my unspoken question. "I guess...I've finally gotten used to it. It's what took my life away, and what gave me a new one at Yamaku. But now, it's part of my life. Kind of like your scars, maybe."

At the mention of my scars, I sit up so that I can look Hisao in the eye. "M-maybe...you can t-tell me."

It's the least I can do, after he allowed me to hear his heart.

The meaning of what I said quickly dawns on Hisao, and he returns my questioning look. He tentatively brings his hand up, reaching toward my face...

...toward the right side of my face...

...and I fight every learned move that I've made over the years. My right hand twitches, but I keep it from moving up to hold that lock of hair in place, and I nod slightly. With that last permission thus granted, Hisao moves the hair aside to expose the scarred part of my face...and touches my forehead gently.

Although I can't feel what he's doing that well, I watch as he gently moves his hand across my forehead, then down my cheek. I...hesitate to think of it as a caress, but I still shiver a little at the notion. I close my eyes, and the wave of emotion that this moment invokes more than makes up for the lack of physical sensation.

That someone can see this, can touch this...without flinching, without being repulsed...

Hisao...

...


Somewhere, a thousand miles away, a phone rings. Neither of us moves for a moment, Hisao's hand still on my face and his eyes locked on mine. For a moment, I hope against hope that it was my own anxiety making me hear something that wasn't there.

When the booth's phone rings a second time, the spell is well and truly broken. Hisao blinks and backs away. "That...means our time is almost up, right?"

I nod, still flustered, and say "W-we have t-ten more minutes." I reach into my jacket for a handkerchief while Hisao picks up the phone and confirms that we'll be leaving. As I work to clean my face, I ask impulsively, "Do you...want to try one last song...together?"

Hisao thinks for a second, but before he can answer, his phone rings as well. "I'd better...see who that is," he says, fishing out the phone. He cringes a little as he looks at the number. "It's Emi. I should really find out if she's okay. Do you mind?"

I can feel my stomach twisting up, but I really can't deny him his concern for a friend. It's one of the things I admire about him. "N-no, go ahead. I know you were...worried about her."

Hisao smiles at me and says, "Thanks. I'll make sure to keep it short." He goes out into the hallway, and I silently curse Alexander Graham Bell. The odd thought strikes me that he was a Scot, and briefly wonder if he might be related to Lilly. It helps, but not much.

A few minutes later, Hisao comes back in. "Sounds like everything's fine," he says, putting his phone back into his backpack. "I guess we don't have time to sing together now. Maybe we can do this again."

I pick up my own pack, and we head back out onto the street. "S-sure. Did...you want to do anything else...while we're in the city?"

Hisao sighs. "I wish I could, but I don't want to take the chance of overdoing things again."

"I understand. I guess I...just wasn't ready for today to end yet."

"It was..." Hisao starts, looking like he's trying to decide what to say, before finishing with "...nice to be able to get out for a while, though." He turns away to face up the street. "Let's get back to the bus stop."

The ride back to Yamaku is a lot like the ride into the city. This time, though, we're both distracted, and probably by the same thing...or in this case, person. I really don't know how Hisao feels about Emi, but I know they've gotten a lot closer recently. It makes me wonder where I would stand, even if I were to tell him how I feel. I'd like to think what we shared today might have some effect on that.

Maybe it's enough.

We get off the bus and begin walking back to the dorms. Each of us is glancing at the other as we approach the entrance to the boys' building. I get the feeling he's got something he wants to say to me, too, but if I don't get out what I have to say now, I may not get another chance.

When we get to the entryway, I turn to face him. I look around to make sure nobody's watching, and say, "Hisao, there's...something I need to tell you."

Hisao looks at me nervously. I suddenly wonder what he thinks I'll say, or even if he might know, and how he'll react, and a million other things that I need to keep inside for just a few more minutes. His only response is, "Okay."

I take a deep breath before I start, trying to stay focused on what I have to say, to keep my own heart from jumping out of my chest. "I've spent...the last ten years...hiding from people. After the accident, everybody I knew...rejected me. I was bullied...called names...by people who had been my c-close friends. A lot of the people who tried to help me recoiled from me. My existence...was nothing but a burden to everyone, so I thought...it was best if...if they didn't have to see me. Even Lilly...sometimes treated me more as...someone to protect than as a f-friend."

"But then...I met you, and everything...changed again. You...didn't change who you were around me. You opened yourself up to me, like...nobody else ever has, especially over these past few days." I slowly take the lock of hair that covers my face and tuck it behind my right ear. "Hisao, I...always want you to see me for everything that I am...s-scars and all. I...don't want to have to hide anything from you anymore."

I move a little bit closer to Hisao, taking one more deep breath, focusing on what I'm about to do...

This...shouldn't be that much harder than the other night...

"And the one thing I...want you to know most of all..."

When he doesn't back away, I put my hands on his shoulders...

It's just one more part of us that will be touching, after all...

"...is how I feel about you."

I lean in, close my eyes, and press my lips against Hisao's. For a second, I let the sensation spread across my body, but then I feel two arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me in. I hesitate for a moment as I feel my kiss being returned, but every other thought is quickly swept away. The tingling I felt when Hisao kissed my forehead returns a thousandfold, and I can't sense anything other than this feeling...

When we break apart, my eyes return to darting around, looking to make sure no one saw us. Hisao looks stunned, and I can't blame him. I think I was a bit, too. He blinks a couple of times before saying, "I...think that answers what I wanted to ask you. But..."

I hold up my hand and say, "I...know you aren't ready to...answer my feelings," I say, bringing my hair back down over my face. "So just...think about me. When you're...ready to talk again...you know w-where to find me."

With that, I start to walk away, trying very hard to keep a steady pace. I look back at Hisao, and he lifts his hand in some semblance of a wave, and I smile. Once I'm out of his sight, I break into a run, not stopping until I'm behind the closed door of my room. I lean backward against the door, sliding down until I'm sitting on the floor, and start the long task of putting myself back together.

I really hope that wasn't a mistake...

~~~~

Previous | Next

====

After one full rewrite, multiple reworkings of various passages, some research failures that in part led to the above, plus a bout of writer's block and the worst week of allergy season yet, I present the next chapter of Developments. Yes, it's once again the longest chapter to date, clocking in at about 3,750 words. I don't think I'm to the point that I need to split it, but I really don't know yet.

There are places in the chapter where some context might have been helpful but was left out due to my desire not to have the characters think OOC. I'll be happy to answer any questions in that regard if it doesn't otherwise spoil anything. Also, if you didn't figure it out, the music links take you to YouTube. Not sure if that's kosher or not, so if those don't belong, or I botched something, or whatever, let me know.

So...enjoy, and feedback is welcome as always!
Last edited by dewelar on Sat Oct 26, 2013 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

User avatar
Blasphemy
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 6:26 am

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Blasphemy » Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:14 pm

You keep on giving :wink:

Another enjoyable read. I didn't see any major issues.

By the way, is Hanako's affection for karaoke in the KS canon? Can't quite remember anything like that although several fan fictions go with that. I'm not quite sure if i can imagine Hanako keen on singing karaoke, after all she has extreme anxiety issues. That said I can imagine that if she (secretly?) liked singing and Akira pushed her a bit to try out karaoke, with just the three of them in a room it seems reasonable that Hanako would get going. Also it's easy to "lose" yourself in music and thus not unlikely that Hanako can enjoy herself a bit more without worrying.
Anyways, in that regard I did like that you mentioned how Hanako picked up songs during her daily life.
I'm not really familiar with current music, other than what I occasionally hear when Natsume brings her MP3 player to the newspaper club [...]
Overall it felt like Hanako wasn't somehow big into all kinds of music and singing, which is good as that would've clashed with what we know of her. So good job in that regard

It's nice to see Hanako taking big steps and the confession was nice. I feel like you perhaps could've been a bit more descriptive here and there in this chapter (I mean in regards to facial expressions and the like). There were a lot intimate moments and I think those usually benefit from detailed descriptions. You did have a lot of Hanako's inner monologue though, which I guess partially makes up for that. It's not like it stood out as something negative though, it did come up in my mind while reading is all.

Good thing Hisao now knows for certain about Hanako's feelings, that will surely make his life easier, right? Hehe :twisted:
The aforementioned male friend will probably be direly required soon. Hisao's gonna need some counseling!
... or he goes full OOC mode and demands the two girls to fight for his love, winner takes it all.

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:43 pm

Blasphemy wrote:By the way, is Hanako's affection for karaoke in the KS canon?
It's mentioned in "Antiques and Pie", when Hisao and Lilly are discussing what they might do for Hanako's birthday. Also, in "Invitation", Hanako specifically says she likes to sing when they're talking about their respective hobbies while at the Shanghai.
Can't quite remember anything like that although several fan fictions go with that. I'm not quite sure if i can imagine Hanako keen on singing karaoke, after all she has extreme anxiety issues. That said I can imagine that if she (secretly?) liked singing and Akira pushed her a bit to try out karaoke, with just the three of them in a room it seems reasonable that Hanako would get going.
This is how I picture it happening as well. I picture her mother having also loved singing, and that she put it aside after the accident. That's why, in addition to "Cosmos", the songs she sings come from before then: they were songs her mother -- and perhaps even Hanako herself -- sung along with while she herself was growing up.
I feel like you perhaps could've been a bit more descriptive here and there in this chapter (I mean in regards to facial expressions and the like). There were a lot intimate moments and I think those usually benefit from detailed descriptions. You did have a lot of Hanako's inner monologue though, which I guess partially makes up for that.
I've never been good with that level of description. One of the drawbacks of being legally blind, I suppose :|.
... or he goes full OOC mode and demands the two girls to fight for his love, winner takes it all.
Heh...more likely it would wind up like this (and the strip following), and there's no way I'm going there. I'm sure someone's going to attempt it now, though... :oops:
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

User avatar
Blasphemy
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 6:26 am

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Blasphemy » Sat Oct 19, 2013 5:39 pm

edit: See, now it took me so long to come up with the second part of my reply that you already fixed the link (and turns out I was right, or well at least sex with both).
The link leads to a mostly blanc site reading "Invalid article ID". That said, I have checked out some of that comic a year or longer ago and can take a guess this involves a threesome or so? ;p
dewelar wrote: I've never been good with that level of description. One of the drawbacks of being legally blind, I suppose :|.
Heh, now I had my own kind of "Hisao-Derp-Moment". I saw you mentioning being legally blind in some other thread a while ago but yeah, the implications that has on certain aspects of writing didn't occur to me until you just pointed this out.

However, again, while I noticed that it still didn't stand out negatively, although then one could argue noticing it in the first place has a negative connotation with it but let's not go there. I've also been reading quite a bit of the "Tips for fanfiction writers (that means YOU)" thread which makes me pay attention to this stuff some more. Especially since I read a lot interesting tips from Helbereth, whose "Tomorrow's Doom" I sometimes contrast a bit with your story. In that fan fiction most scenes are very detailed and—simply put—long. So while the overarching plot doesn't seem to move as fast as in other stories there's however so much character development and just interesting stuff in all scenes (be it a car ride to a culinary course) because it's so detailed. So while the overarching story doesn't advance as quickly comparatively you still have plenty progression.
Meanwhile this fanfic advances the plot quite a bit quicker, at times not going into too much detail. Like, no very detailed description of the karaoke place for example. And that is totally cool as well. In the end all your plot points are very important for the character development and thus, while not every little dialog etc. is super detailed and 5k words long, you still have plenty progression in all regards.

Now I'm once again kinda digressing and have too hard of a time to actually type down what I'm meaning to express ._.
I just wanted to elaborate why I picked up on that whole "detailed description" stuff despite not actually considering it a negative.

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 19, 2013 6:07 pm

Blasphemy wrote:edit: See, now it took me so long to come up with the second part of my reply that you already fixed the link (and turns out I was right, or well at least sex with both).
The link leads to a mostly blanc site reading "Invalid article ID". That said, I have checked out some of that comic a year or longer ago and can take a guess this involves a threesome or so? ;p
I fixed the link a few minutes before you posted, so if interested you can try it again. The gist of that particular strip is that two girls are fighting over the main character, and asks him to choose which one he wants. He says he wants both, and both get pissed at him. In the next strip, one of them proposes a sex contest to win him (with the other contender being not just a virgin, but an out-and-out phallophobe who tends to react violently to the sight of a penis).
Blasphemy wrote:
dewelar wrote: I've never been good with that level of description. One of the drawbacks of being legally blind, I suppose :|.
Heh, now I had my own kind of "Hisao-Derp-Moment". I saw you mentioning being legally blind in some other thread a while ago but yeah, the implications that has on certain aspects of writing didn't occur to me until you just pointed this out.
No worries. It's something I'm trying to work on, and it's good to have it pointed out when I come up a bit short.
Blasphemy wrote:Stuff about Tomorrow's Doom
Whether the comparison was meant to be positive, negative, or neutral, the fact that my story can even be considered to be in the same league as "Tomorrow's Doom", one of my 2-3 favorite KS fics ever, is a high compliment. Helbereth is a hell of a writer.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

User avatar
Blasphemy
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 6:26 am

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Blasphemy » Sat Oct 19, 2013 6:39 pm

Was supposed to be neutral. But instead of elaborating on what the fuck I was trying to write I'll instead say yes, Tomorrow's Doom is darn great and this fanfic is too. Am eagerly awaiting updates for both of em :>

To get back a bit closer on topic:
Time seems to stand still as we sit there, my head resting on Hisao's chest. I try to focus on the sound of his heartbeat to try and help me calm down, and for the first time I hear its irregular rhythm. This is what brought him to Yamaku, what brought him into my life. Hearing it makes me feel just a little bit more connected to him.

I lift up my head to look at him. "Arrhythmia," he says, in answer to my unspoken question. "I guess...I've finally gotten used to it. It's what took my life away, and what gave me a new one at Yamaku. But now, it's part of my life. Kind of like your scars, maybe."
This confused me a bit. Since you seem to be quite thorough as far as KS canon is concerned I have to assume Hisao never outright told Hanako that it's Arrhythmia he got? Did she just know it was "some kind" of heart condition and that's why Hisao told her what exactly it is now?
Or is meant to be merely a kind of introspective statement he felt like giving right that moment. Like "Yeh, that erratic heartbeat is thanks to my Arrhythmia. It has shaken up my life quite a bit, huh?"

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 19, 2013 6:44 pm

Blasphemy wrote:Since you seem to be quite thorough as far as KS canon is concerned I have to assume Hisao never outright told Hanako that it's Arrhythmia he got? Did she just know it was "some kind" of heart condition and that's why Hisao told her what exactly it is now?
Or is meant to be merely a kind of introspective statement he felt like giving right that moment. Like "Yeh, that erratic heartbeat is thanks to my Arrhythmia. It has shaken up my life quite a bit, huh?"
The latter.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

User avatar
TacticalBacon
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue Aug 20, 2013 4:22 am

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by TacticalBacon » Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:29 pm

I lean in, close my eyes, and press my lips against Hisao's.
IT'S TIME!


So what's going to happen to Lilly?
My Steam
My Twitter
My Tumblr
My skype is HakimAthalla21

User avatar
Carighan
Posts: 275
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:14 pm

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Carighan » Sun Oct 20, 2013 3:39 am

TacticalBacon wrote:So what's going to happen to Lilly?
She's busy sexing some awesome Scottish guy? (or girl)
I mean, Scotland! That accent! :O
The strength of heart to face oneself has been made manifest. The persona Carighan has appeared.

User avatar
Mournful3ch0
Posts: 108
Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2013 5:37 pm
Location: Various Particles Strewn Throughout The Ionosphere

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Mournful3ch0 » Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:53 am

TacticalBacon wrote:
I lean in, close my eyes, and press my lips against Hisao's.
So what's going to happen to Lilly?
Well, to quote "In Ruin" by Doomish:
Doomish wrote:"No. No no no. You don't--" Lilly shuffles the phone even closer until her voice is clear as crystal. "You don't understand. When I tell Hisao I love him, I haven't meant it for months. I have had sex with SEVEN other men, more often than not at my sister's discretion, and do you think I really have the capacity to keep caring about Hisao after that?"
Image "Forsooth, that line was feeble." - Courtesy of Mirage_GSM
Image "It occurs to me that maybe I’m an idiot." - Thanks to Jaspirian
Image

User avatar
Endofone
Posts: 38
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:57 pm
Location: Under the sea

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by Endofone » Sun Oct 20, 2013 5:09 am

Awweee shiz nibblits! PENNY FRAGGIN DROP. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW HISAO! XD.

Dat Hanako or Dat Emi?

But, lovin it. Keep up the good work! Can still see this going either way.

User avatar
griffon8
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: Developments (Post-Lilly Bad End) [Ch 20 up 10/19]

Post by griffon8 » Sun Oct 20, 2013 12:37 pm

Mournful3ch0 wrote:Well, to quote "In Ruin" by Doomish:
Doomish wrote:"No. No no no. You don't--" Lilly shuffles the phone even closer until her voice is clear as crystal. "You don't understand. When I tell Hisao I love him, I haven't meant it for months. I have had sex with SEVEN other men, more often than not at my sister's discretion, and do you think I really have the capacity to keep caring about Hisao after that?"
Aaaaaand now I know I did the right thing by not reading all of Doomish's stuff. :shock:

Meanwhile, I expect the next chapter is going to have Emi's POV, where she sees how discombobulated Hisao is for the morning run, and kisses him.

Betty and Veronica setup is set up. :twisted:
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

Post Reply