Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

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sakoi2
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by sakoi2 » Sun Sep 22, 2013 2:56 pm

This is a very well written fanfic!
(gotta say though, i did read it all in one day in one sitting :3)
anyway, keep up the good work, cant wait to see what happens next! :D

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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by bhtooefr » Sun Sep 22, 2013 5:13 pm

Gotta say, that's some pretty damn good writing, just stumbled on this and read through it all in one day.

And an Emi versus Hanako competition for Hisao, with Emi starting to bring in the heavy artillery... damn. And Hanako actually having panic attacks over Emi possibly winning... daaaaamn. Lilly deciding to become a Shipper On Deck, to Hanako, like that couldn't have come at a more opportune moment.

I'm not actually sure which way I want this to go. Emi winning could create some interesting, albeit incredibly angsty, writing from Hanako's perspective. Hanako winning... there's a few ways it could happen, actually, that I can think of, a couple of which involve Lilly using the knowledge she's gained in that conversation with Hanako. I suspect Hanako winning "cleanly" (that is, without Lilly interfering in a way that she'd resent) will require her to take a... Shizune-like approach to human interaction, which I think Hanako could actually pull off. (edit: Actually, reading back through this thread... I forgot about how Hanako could act quickly if she thought Hisao would be taken away romantically. But, it'd have to be run differently than how the actual VN did it, or it'd lose a lot of impact, I think. The awkward-sex-then-getting-the-feels-out-the-next-day approach won't work again, not after it was used in the canon.)

Also, Emi seems to be treating the Hanako issue... interestingly, especially given that she's thinking about this from the Hanako angle, too (as in, what is Hanako not telling Hisao).

That said, I just figured out the extremely evil ending that would actually fit where the story is right now, and only include canon endings.

Have Hisao actually start dating Emi, then have him ignore both Emi and Hanako except to try to coddle them when they have a breakdown (of which Hanako will have multiple, based on how this story's going). And not be observant of either's needs, or those around Emi, just be pushy as hell with both.

Then you get a Lilly bad ending, an Emi bad ending, and a Hanako bad ending, with the Emi and Hanako endings being nearly simultaneous. I think that might just lead to a Manly Picnic off the roof, and that's without tossing a Shizune bad ending or a Rin bad ending (I haven't played Rin's story though) in.
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Luxray » Sun Sep 22, 2013 5:40 pm

The latest chapter is my favourite so far. That ending was excellent, if heartwrenching.

The buildup so far has been very enjoyable, but now that we move further along the path of the story I begin to worry. I almost don't want to know how this story is going to end, because someone is going to get hurt in the quest for Hisao's affections, and that makes me sad (I'm a sucker for happy endings).

Keep it up!

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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Mournful3ch0 » Sun Sep 22, 2013 5:43 pm

Lost In The Fire wrote: - What appears to be a very confused, but at the current time Emi leaning Hisao.
Confused? What? Our esteemed Master of Romance is only the most decisive and perceptive man alive!

Joking aside, I'd love to see how this one finishes out. Great chapter, I am more than excited for this story!

Thanks, keep up the good work!
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Kurara
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Kurara » Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:57 pm

The last hundred words or so were your best piece of writing, thus far. It was a very poignant end to that part of her life. Many thanks.

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dewelar
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by dewelar » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:42 pm

Just popping back in to thank everyone for the kind words and support. I admit to still being a bit overwhelmed by the positive response to this story overall.

No idea yet when Chapter 17 will be out (I've only just gotten a start on it), but for now I'm going to leave Chapter 15 as-is. I've decided it's probably best not to tinker with what's already been done until the entire story is complete, then see how it feels as a whole.
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Carighan » Mon Sep 23, 2013 1:12 pm

I like this a lot.
The constantly changing perspective couples well with the fact that you're hiding just about anything which will happen with the plot on a greater level from the reader.
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Blasphemy » Mon Sep 23, 2013 6:18 pm

Man hats off to your characterization. Getting these phone calls right ain't easy but after thinking about it some I think you did really well with Lilly and the other two.

I thought that Lilly may be teasing Hanako a bit more even but then, considering it's not just some guy she talks about but her own ex-boyfriend Hisao, that wouldn't actually have made much sense. Lilly then being on the verge of tears was great as it once again displayed her attempts to be polite and all smiles upfront but have just as much emotions as everyone else.

I wasn't quite sure if I expected Hanako do outright ask if she'd be allowed to make a move for Hisao but then again, this Hanako has been willing to take steps forward and desperate times ask for "desperate" actions, besides Lilly trying to get it out of her anyways.

So while I had to think about it a bit I end up feeling like everyone stayed well in-character.

The music box was a nice touch that sounds like a step Lilly would likely take to give the relationship (or rather the end of it) some finality. Now whether this means Lilly will no longer play an important role going further on, as this move could be seen as finality to her character arc in this, is up in the air. It doesn't seem unlikely but who knows. As Carighan says, it's nice not knowing exactly where the plot is going.

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dewelar
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by dewelar » Mon Sep 23, 2013 6:38 pm

Blasphemy wrote:I wasn't quite sure if I expected Hanako do outright ask if she'd be allowed to make a move for Hisao but then again, this Hanako has been willing to take steps forward and desperate times ask for "desperate" actions, besides Lilly trying to get it out of her anyways.

So while I had to think about it a bit I end up feeling like everyone stayed well in-character.
This was the toughest part of the chapter to write. I wound up deciding it would play best as a kind of meta-conversation, with each one trying to get the other to give them the opening. Almost like a chess game, you might say :D . Glad it came across well.
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 16 up 9/22

Post by Endofone » Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:08 am

And the plot thickens! Now what shall our protagonist 'The Master of Romance - Hisao Nakai' Do? Will he realize the subtle hints Hanako is giving him? Will he push Emi away in favor of Hanako? But only to protect her? Making her hate him? Or will he disregard Hanako and go for Emi? Making her a happy woman? Leaving Hanako in the dust of her own tears? Or even yet? May something develop with Lilly? Making Hisao travel to the ends of the earth collecting the five elements of life to please Mr. Satou? Or will Delawar pull a fast one and do some Boy Love with Kenji? What develops is yet to be revealed!

All that funny business aside. I like the changing perspective. It give us insight on to what all the characters are thinking. But also making, any dumb move Hisao makes 10 times worst, given that we know what the girl is thinking.

I got really happy when it was a Lilly POV. But i got sad at the end. D= With her putting away that music box, it told us that she was finally willing to let go. Also blessing Hanako with her approval. Oh My Heart. D= It was a pretty perfect Lilly you pulled off there. With her trying to keep up her facade while on the verge of tears. And becoming a martyr for the sake of everyone else, even against her own feelings. Grumble... grumble... grumble... I hate sad Lillys. Great work and keep it up! =D

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Developments, Chapter 17

Post by dewelar » Thu Sep 26, 2013 11:36 pm

I arrive at the tea room about half an hour before lunch time. I've been trying to convince myself that having lunch with Hisao today is no different than it's been since we met, but it really hasn't helped much. There have been times when my life seemed something like a high-wire act, but now it's as if my balance has gotten better just in time for someone to take the net away.

I was up earlier than usual this morning, partially so I would have plenty of time to prepare lunch, but mostly because I could hardly sleep last night. For the first time that I can remember, it wasn't because of nightmares, or anxiety – or at least not anxiety of a negative kind – but because of anticipation.

For obvious reasons, last night's conversation with Lilly hasn't left my mind. Lilly said that there was nothing she could do if Hisao was seeing someone else. I know that's not technically true, but she also said that if someone could make Hisao happy, she wouldn't mind at all if he was seeing her. It was only later that I realized that, in both cases, she was...talking about me.

I should have expected that she knew I liked Hisao – after all, I knew the same about her before she would admit it, even to herself – but I didn't expect that she would give me permission to see him, much less encourage me to do so. It still feels a bit odd, because even though the two of them didn't part on the best of terms, I know she still loves him.

She couldn't even say she didn't love him, just that her relationship with him was over.

Admittedly, this has me more than a little confused. This isn't the way I wanted things to happen, but how else could they have? I would never have tried to take Hisao away from Lilly, and would never pursue him without her blessing, yet a part of me still feels like it isn't right, somehow.

Maybe because it was one last way that Lilly could treat me like a child.

Still, right now those thoughts seem like ignoring the silver lining to focus on the cloud. The result is that there's now nothing standing in the way of getting closer to Hisao...except myself. My self has done its job well over the past couple of days, too.

After my attack at the convenience store, I felt physically and emotionally devastated. All the progress I'd made in getting Hisao to see that I was someone he could turn to had been undone by my fears of rejection. I would be helpless to him again, a thing to protect. I needed to find a way to be at ease.

I spent yesterday at the library, seeking some familiar comfort. Instead, I felt a familiar ache, one I'd been ignoring for weeks. Thoughts of Hisao and Lilly were replaced by ones of Hisao and Emi, but my stomach didn't churn any more or less for it.

After I came back to my room, that feeling began to turn into anger. At first, it was directed at Emi, or even at Hisao. Eventually, though, I became angry at myself for my own presumption. Hisao and I are friends, after all, and as far as he's concerned we're nothing more. That I couldn't ask more of him wasn't either of their faults.

Last night's call should have changed that. Instead, the question that faces me is "now what?" The first answer that comes to mind is to find out whether or not I'm already too late.

It's not long before I hear footsteps approaching. I continue with what I'm doing, knowing I won't be surprised again. When Hisao comes into the tea room, and I can already tell that he looks better than he did on Monday.

"Hi, Hanako," he says, smiling. "Need some help?"

"Hi, Hisao!" I say, returning his smile. "I...haven't started the tea yet." He nods and moves over to gather the supplies. "How are you...feeling?"

As Hisao starts to heat the water, he says, "Better. I talked to the nurse this morning, and he thinks it was just over-exertion, nothing to worry about. He said I shouldn't try to do both my run and walking to town on the same day, at least for the next week or so."

"So...did you r-run this morning?"

"Yeah, I did. Probably the best I've felt after a run so far, actually. The massage Emi gave me yesterday must have really helped."

...

At this time, I am thankful that I was expecting to hear something like this. Even so, I remain turned toward the wall, because my facial expression would likely give me away before I'm ready. In the calmest voice I can muster, I ask "M-massage?"

"Heh...well, after all the excitement on Monday, I couldn't even get halfway through my run yesterday." I can't quite bring myself to turn around yet, but he sounds...embarrassed about it. "So, before we ate lunch, Emi massaged my legs to try and get the soreness out. If the results are any indication, she's pretty good at it."

Of course she is. Whatever Hisao needs, Emi's good at it. He doesn't need me...

...and I need to stop jumping like this.


I decide to focus on finishing the lunch preparations, still trying to keep from looking at Hisao. On the occasion that I catch a glimpse of him, he's focused on preparing the tea...and occasionally casting a glance at me.

I suppose we're both a little off-kilter today.

I have to stifle a chuckle at that thought as I finish setting the food out. Once we start eating, conversation is at a minimum, mostly about what books we've read recently. After a while, though, Hisao's attention seems to be drifting. It doesn't get any better when we start playing chess afterwards.

"Hisao, are you...okay?" I ask after capturing a rook that he left carelessly undefended. "You s-seem distracted."

Hisao looks at me for a moment before leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. "Maybe a little. It's just...well, Lilly called last night."

"I...know. She called me, too."

Hisao nods. "I think it was just bad timing, though, because it stirred things up for me again. Over the past couple of days, I thought I was putting some distance between me and that part of my life. Getting out and running was helping me clear my head, and going to town with you gave me something to focus on, at least up until my legs started giving out."

He grimaces at that. For as much as he doesn't need to be concerned about it, Lilly was right – he's more worried about his own failings than mine. It's a sentiment I can appreciate. "So...what did she say to you?"

Hisao frowns, staring at his empty teacup. "Not much, really. The moment we started talking about our relationship, I wound up snapping at her." He sighs, continuing, "I shouldn't have, really, but...I guess I'm still a little angry about what happened. At the very least, I want to feel like I can move forward, but the moment it came up I could feel myself being pulled backward."

I reach across the table to put my hand on his. He looks back up at me, and I can see the troubled look in his eyes. It's almost too familiar. "Hisao, I...know how hard it is to...put feelings for someone aside. I'm sure Lilly feels the s-same. You said yourself, it's...going to take time."

Hisao lets out a long breath. "I know that...well, in my head anyway. Even now, I feel like something's...changed." He gets up and walks over to the window, leaning his arms on the sill. "But then last night, Lilly said her feelings about how we left things were unsettled. I just wish I knew what she meant."

Unsettled? That wasn't the impression she gave me. I was right, wasn't I? Something isn't quite right here.

"She...d-didn't tell you?"

Hisao's head drops to rest on his chest. "That's just it. I didn't give her the chance." I can hear a hint of anger creeping into his voice as he says this. "I just took the easy way out and changed the subject."

I get up from my chair and come over to stand next to Hisao. Just like the other night, I wonder to myself if I should share what Lilly told me with him, whether that would be breaking her confidence somehow. Still, if I'm going to take her advice and act on my feelings, this is something he needs to know. Maybe she intended to tell him anyway.

"Hisao...when I t-talked to Lilly last night, she...said something about how she felt." Hisao turns to look at me expectantly. Before I can continue, though, another thought comes unbidden to my mind.

This is going to hurt him. Lilly never wanted to cause pain for others, and went to great lengths to protect them.

I remember her telling me that this was why she didn't tell us she was leaving for Scotland until she was forced to do so. She never found a way to spare us that pain, so it wound up building until it was a thousand times harder to bear when we found out. Could she be doing the same to Hisao again?

Did she not tell him...and then tell me, expecting me to tell him? Maybe...this is her way of pushing me forward again?

For a moment, I wrench my gaze away from his, looking out the window. I can feel him watching, waiting to hear what I was about to say, and I don't even know now if I can bring myself to say it.

No matter when he finds out, it's going to be painful. If the healing is going to begin, I have no choice. I just have to hope that he doesn't hate me for delivering the message.

I turn back to Hisao, who's still looking at me.

I still don't know how you can be so patient with me, Hisao. I just know how good it makes me feel.

I lay a hand on his shoulder, doing my best not to start shaking. "She s-said that...that her relationship with you was o-over." He doesn't respond for a moment, and I add without thinking, "I'm sorry."

Hisao closes his eyes, turning back toward the window. "Don't be. I was pretty sure of that much, I guess. I just...hoped that she would be the one to tell me." He lowers his head and sighs heavily. "I guess she's just really good at keeping things from people, huh?"

Although that hurts for more than one reason, I can't deny the truth of it. "Sometimes...we all do." Now, it's my turn to look down at the windowsill. "Sometimes...even w-when we don't...want to."

I'm not even sure if Hisao hears me, as he simply stands there, head bowed and unmoving. After a few moments, I take my hand away and go to clean up the tea set. When I'm finished, he still hasn't moved, but he does finally break the silence.

"You don't have to wait for me."

I've gotten used to Hisao spending a lot of time thinking. Last week, I let it go, because it's what I would do in the same situation. I just waited until it was nearly too late to help before getting him to talk. I don't want to make that mistake again.

"I...know. I just thought...you've been alone a lot lately, and this is...one of those times maybe you sh-shouldn't be. It m-might help to talk about it."

"Maybe you're right. I honestly wouldn't mind talking about it with someone who isn't Lilly." Hisao comes back to his chair and sits down heavily, looking vaguely into the distance. "I'm just not sure where to start."

I sit back down across from him, pushing aside the unfinished chess game. "M-maybe...just start with the obvious. After all that's h-happened, how do you feel about her?"

Hisao stares at the ceiling for a moment before responding. "Heh...I wish it was obvious. I thought hearing that it was over would hurt more than it does right now. I guess I'd just already accepted it."

Hisao pauses, taking a long breath. "The more I think about it, though, maybe that means something significant on its own. Sure, a part of me will always care about Lilly, because she was, and to some extent still is, a big part of my life. But do I still love Lilly as a girlfriend?"

In the slight pause between his sentences, I think I already know what Hisao's about to say. That doesn't mean that I'm not holding my breath just a little.

"No, I don't think I do any more. It still hurts, but...that's not why it hurts any more. I hope that makes sense."

It's strange, because those words were what I wanted to hear, but at the same time I can't help feeling a bit sad. "It...does. It...still hurts for me, too."

"I know. We're going to be okay, eventually." He smiles again, and a little bit of that sadness goes away. "You said so yourself, right?"

"I...did, didn't I? So...what's the next step?"

Hisao leans back in his chair. "I'm not sure I know. The only other time I felt this way was when Iwanako stopped visiting me at the hospital, but then I still had a long stretch ahead of me. You saw what I was like when I came out."

I nod, remembering the bits and pieces Lilly and Hisao have told me about what happened. "But back then...you really were alone. This time...you don't have to be."

Hisao smiles sadly at me. "I know. I really appreciate what you've done, what you're trying to do. I know I don't have to be alone, but I think...at least for a little while, I think I need to be." He gets up, continuing, "I'm sorry, Hanako...I warned you I didn't know what kind of company I'd be this summer. I guess the answer right now is that it's not very good."

"It's...okay, Hisao. I'll be there for you...no matter w-what kind of company you are."

"I guess I can't ask for more than that." With that, Hisao starts walking toward the door. Before he leaves, I call out a very important question.

"Will you...be here for lunch tomorrow?"

Hisao pauses and turns around. "I will. I promise." He then walks out of the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.

I may not need to hold back my feelings because of Lilly any more, but for your sake, Hisao, I can be as patient as you've been for me.

~~~~

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Last edited by dewelar on Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Mahorfeus
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 17 up 9/26

Post by Mahorfeus » Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:28 am

It's like the Tortoise and the Hare, except with romance and cripples. Will slow and steady win the race?

Really like how this one turned out. I admit I am biased towards Hanako "winning" in the end, but it still seems like it can go either (or neither) way at this point.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Minion of Chaos
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 17 up 9/26

Post by Minion of Chaos » Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:52 am

Another well written and entertaining chapter! The POV snaking things around really does keep the future in a shroud of mystery- a good thing for this fic. Keep up the great work, dude

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Blasphemy
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Re: Developments (Lilly Bad End Continuation) [Ch 17 up 9/26

Post by Blasphemy » Fri Sep 27, 2013 6:59 am

Of course she is. Whatever Hisao needs, Emi's good at it. He doesn't need me...

...and I need to stop jumping like this.
Good idea to display how Hanako has to actively rationalize away her self-depreciation. Her own mind is her worst enemy after all at this point.

Nice chapter as always.

Overall one thing I notice is that your pace remains very consistent, which by itself is neither good nor bad I'd say. Changing up the pace here and there to have some high points with more tension but also calmer bottoms can be more exciting sometimes.
However in case of your FanFic, so far, I think the constant pace really suits your type of story really well. Primarily because your characters act somewhat calm, rational and thoughtful and it's less about the actions they take (going shopping, having lunch etc.) but rather about the communication that takes place during all that. And it's interesting/exciting because the dialogs and inner monologues are well crafted, so I keep looking forward to every bit of character interaction. Also by saying the pace remains consistent I really mean just that, not that it is too slow for example. Every chapter important things happen and there's a good amount of progression. It e.g. merely doesn't seem like a certain chapter pushed the overall plot much further than every other chapter in comparison.

[Okay this really took me forever to type up because I'm terrible with words and am simply incapable of describing some thoughts that I've had about this. So if the above doesn't make sense or sounds like bullshit either way, I wouldn't be surprised. The basic idea is that I feel like your pacing is very consistent but that doesn't hurt this fanfic, rather fits it nicely (not like there's a rule that would say this is bad anyways). As to why I feel like that is hard enough to really think about and sadly impossible for me to write down. But maybe someone gets the gist of it anyways.]

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Re: Developments, Chapter 17

Post by griffon8 » Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:33 am

Definitely one of my favorite stories on the board right now. Seems most post-bad end stories force Hisao and the girl back together in really contrived ways. Glad you're not doing that.

Continuity error here:
dewelar wrote:I'm not even sure if Hisao hears me, as he simply stands there, head bowed and unmoving. After a few moments, I take my hand away and go to clean up the tea set. When I'm finished, he still hasn't moved, but he does finally break the silence.
When did he start standing?
dewelar wrote:"Maybe you're right. I honestly wouldn't mind talking about it with someone who isn't Lilly." Hisao comes back to his chair and sits down heavily, looking vaguely into the distance. "I'm just not sure where to start."
And when did he move away from his chair?
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Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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