Redshift - Rika Route [10/2]

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pip25
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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by pip25 » Fri Jul 05, 2013 6:14 am

I'm not sure what the problem is with this chapter either, it came out pretty well. It was interesting how you turned Hisao's recollection of the previous day into a dream, and the astronomy club is a nice idea that lets Rika and Hisao meet aside of the previous chance encounters. Good to see one of Hisao's lesser-known classmates being used here (I suspect the other one, the guy with the Russian-sounding name is an OC, right?) and it's definitely intriguing to see Kenji actually being part of a club (then again, we've been shown in the game that he is capable of group work if he really wants to). I look forward to finding out what you wish to use all these characters for. :)

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jul 05, 2013 6:49 am

We've only known each other for three days, but somehow it just felt... right?
We've only spent a total of two days together, and yet we were essentially cuddling last night. It feels... off.
So... Which is it? :lol:
I agree this chapter isn't as bad as you seem to think it is. I liked it.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Fri Jul 05, 2013 7:40 am

Retrograde01 wrote:but I couldn't just scrap it
I'll say here that yes, you can. It's often for the better. I've certainly done it many times before. I don't think you need to worry at this point, though, unless something here conflicts with an important point later on. Besides, retcons aren't unheard of. :wink:
Retrograde01 wrote:"I dunno, man. I can barely see out these glasses."
Interesting to see him admit it so casually.
Retrograde01 wrote:Then why the hell are you talking to me
Should probably be contained in inverted commas.
Retrograde01 wrote:as she keeps talking,
before I could finish it,
she says quietly and politely,
I answer awkwardly,
like a clap of thunder,
"Hey," Ikuno interjects,
Should end in a fullstop.
Retrograde01 wrote:...Name's Constantine Baskov," he introduces himself, extending his hand.
Aside from that being awkwardly worded, we can gather he is introducing himself from his dialogue. There's no need to tell us. Trust your readers. Badass name, by the way.
Retrograde01 wrote:I shake his hand and tell that my name is Hisao.
This is where "introduce [myself]" would be appropriate.
Retrograde01 wrote:"I'm Rika Katayama, your god,"
Haruhi pls go
Retrograde01 wrote: she beckons me. I realize ... general direction.
Could afford to drop the "me". Also that second sentence is really awkwardly worded and has a lower case "I".
Retrograde01 wrote:two o'clock to Polaris?" There is a star...
Should drop that prose to a new paragraph.
Retrograde01 wrote:"That's interesting," I tell her.
We already know Hisao is telling Rika something, as mentioned earlier in the paragraph. No need to force feed it to us.
Retrograde01 wrote:kinda blows you away.
I'm not really getting blown away. Hisao a.k.a. "me" is, though.
Retrograde01 wrote:"Pretty cool isn't it?" Rika speaks up.
"I know the feeling," my voice acts of it's own accord.
Not really a good choice of speech tag. "Speak up" doesn't lend itself to dialogue, and "my voice..." is a statement of its own that has no place being tied to dialogue.
Retrograde01 wrote:Ikuno mouths an 'I'm sorry' me
I take it that's "to me".

Mirage_GSM wrote:So... Which is it? :lol:
They're not making conflicting claims. If one was to spend time with a person on Monday and again on Wednesday, they would have known each other for three days but only been together for two. Same could apply here, but I can't recall wether that's actually accurate in the context of this story.
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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by carrion_crow » Fri Jul 05, 2013 4:52 pm

Yup. I'll be another one to state, I don't see anything wrong with this chapter. I really liked how it was steady and light hearted. Can't wait to read more.
Akira=Miki>Lily>Emi>Rin>Hanako...........and shizune I guess

pip25
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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by pip25 » Fri Jul 05, 2013 4:59 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:So... Which is it? :lol:
Apparently, Hisao isn't very sure himself. ;)
This is exactly what I love about first person narration; you can get away with all sorts of inconsistencies because people themselves are often inconsistent in their views. :)

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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jul 05, 2013 5:46 pm

So... Which is it? :lol:
They're not making conflicting claims. If one was to spend time with a person on Monday and again on Wednesday, they would have known each other for three days but only been together for two. Same could apply here, but I can't recall wether that's actually accurate in the context of this story.
I wasn't referring to the two/three days discrepancy but to the fact that apparently it felt right in one statement and off in the other.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Draganada » Fri Jul 05, 2013 6:19 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
So... Which is it? :lol:
They're not making conflicting claims. If one was to spend time with a person on Monday and again on Wednesday, they would have known each other for three days but only been together for two. Same could apply here, but I can't recall wether that's actually accurate in the context of this story.
I wasn't referring to the two/three days discrepancy but to the fact that apparently it felt right in one statement and off in the other.
Hisao doesn't know how he feels; that's the point.
Rika > Lilly > Hanako > Akira > Shizune/Misha > Emi/Rin

"And they seem to jam "z"s in everywhere so that they can get more Scrabble points."

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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Retrograde01 » Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:35 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
We've only known each other for three days, but somehow it just felt... right?
We've only spent a total of two days together, and yet we were essentially cuddling last night. It feels... off.
So... Which is it? :lol:
Both. Like the others said, Hisao isn't really sure himself.
pip25 wrote:I suspect the other one, the guy with the Russian-sounding name is an OC, right?
Constantine Alexei Baskov. He's gonna be a pretty interesting character, trust me.

As for Ikuno, I've never actually seen anybody use her in any fanfiction. She's a blank slate for me to work with, and she's in Hisao's class. That's a win.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:(Good advice and grammatical criticism as usual)
I love you, man.

---------------------------

Thanks for the feedback, all of you. I was almost dreading coming here and seeing your comments, but apparently the chapter wasn't as bad as I thought. It's great to know that you guys are liking the fic and it definitely gives me the motivation to keep going. If that anon in /ksg/ didn't keep bugging me, I might not have kept going to be completely honest.

I've got a writing schedule now, so you can expect updates every week on Friday. Stay tuned.

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Re: Flowing Red - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:31 am

As for Ikuno, I've never actually seen anybody use her in any fanfiction. She's a blank slate for me to work with, and she's in Hisao's class. That's a win.
I did.
So far she's protagonist in only one chapter, but she features heavily in some others as well.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Czar_Scooter » Sat Jul 13, 2013 3:10 am

I'm really enjoying reading this, and I really can't wait to see more. And don't worry, I'll try not to bug you about grammar. Maybe a little

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Retrograde01
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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by Retrograde01 » Sat Jul 13, 2013 3:53 am

Czar_Scooter wrote:I'm really enjoying reading this, and I really can't wait to see more. And don't worry, I'll try not to bug you about grammar. Maybe a little
Please do bug me about my grammar; I'm always looking to improve.

---------------------------------------------------------------

It's technically Saturday, but in my mind it's still Friday night, so I kinda kept my promise.
This scene was significantly easier to write than the last, although I did end up throwing out the last part twice. Thanks to BlackWaltsTheThird for that bit of advice. Also, pardon the name change, but the new name is much more appropriate for what I plan to do with this story.
Enjoy.


---------------------------------------------------------------

Scene II - A Puzzle Without Edges

---------------------------------------------------------------

Bzzzzzzt~

Oh, hell.

Bzzzzzzt~

Why me?

Bzzzzzzt~

It's too early for this. I don't even care what time it is, it's too early. My hand reaches out and probes for the clock, eventually finding it and lazily pressing the snooze button. The noise continues unperturbed, despite my multiple attempts to silence the alarm.

My will broken, I raise my head off the pillow to find that my alarm hasn't gone off, and that my phone was instead the cause of the noise. The bright display stings my newly opened eyes as it tells me that the person on the other end is of an unknown number.

Who the hell is calling me this early? Flipping open my phone, I make an attempt to find out.

"Who is it?" I ask, trying by best to hide my irritation.

"Hisao, are you coming to run, or what?" A high pitched, energetic voice comes from the other end.

"Emi?"

"Yup!"

"How in the world did you get my number?"

"That's a secret," she tells me, trying to sound cute. My still-half-asleep mind isn't buying any of that, though. "I'm waiting for you down here by the track."

"What are you talking about?"

"Our morning runs! Don't tell me you forgot!"

"No, I didn't forget," I lie. I'd completely forgotten our morning runs ever since I left her on the roof the day before the festival, and I thought she'd still be mad at me for that anyway. Then again, Emi doesn't seem like the kind of person that would harbor a grudge.

"Well then get your butt down here!" she scolds.

"Emi, I had a late night; can we skip today?" I ask her, silently assessing my injuries from the night before. I can still feel the bruises on my shin and ribcage.

"I've already let you skip two days. C'mon Hisao," she says in a whiny voice. There's a moment of silence before I realize that on the other end of this line, there's pair of big puppy dog eyes, begging me to run with them. The image is so vivid that, even through the phone, the guilt reaches me.

"Dammit, Emi. Is that face of yours psychic or something?" I ask, trying to push the image out of my head.

"So it worked, then?"

"Yes," I admit, defeated, "I'll be out soon."

"Alright! See you soon!"

Emi ends the call with a click and my room is silent once more. My face buries itself back into the pillow as I try to wring every last drop of rest out of the morning that I can. It's meager, but it's enough to get me out of bed.

I slip into my running clothes, and begin my journey out to the track. The cool morning air does a wonderful job of waking me up, and my eyelids seem to lose weight with each second I'm exposed to it. By the time the track comes into view, I'm actually feeling up for this short run.

Emi is already finishing up a lap by the time I arrive, veering off the track to meet me by the bleachers.

"It's about time you got here," she mock-scolds.

"Well I'm here now aren't I?"

"I guess," she admits, puffing out her cheeks defiantly, "You remember your stretches, right?"

"Of course."

"Okay, I'm gonna run a lap while you get ready, alright?"

"Fine," I wave her off and begin the stretching routine she taught me, starting with touching my toes. I'll never understand how it is that people are able to do this because, when I reach my shins, it already feels like the back of my knees might tear. I can reach down just a small bit past my bruise before I stop myself. "Dammit, Kenji," I mutter, looking at the yellow-brown mark on my leg.

Last night, I was unwillingly volunteered by the rest of the Astronomy Club to wake up Kenji. The task sounds simple enough, but it turns out he might as well spring loaded when he sleeps, because he snaps straight awake and becomes and instant karate master. The first thing he did was kick my shin as he woke up; then, with speed and precision I didn't know were possible for Kenji, he gave me a powerful punch straight to the chest. Somehow my bespectacled hall-mate was able to come to a standing position and flatten me out within 5 seconds, shouting 'You'll never take me alive!!!' for the better half of a minute.

I layed on the roof, gasping for breath as the air left my body, with an absolute resolve not to return. A familiar feeling, like someone was tugging at strings tied around my heart, came to the surface of my consciousness, and Rika noticed the expression on my face as one she'd made many times before. I heard yelling and cursing as she berated Kenji, and ordered Ikuno and Alex to back up and give me space. The impact should've been enough to put me over the edge, but by some miracle my heart normalized after much effort on my part.

I felt bad for worrying everyone, and they felt likewise for making me wake up Kenji, knowing he'd spaz out. It wasn't the best note to end the night on.

My final stretching exercise completed, I'm able to join Emi just as she finishes the lap, my steps falling into rhythm with hers as we begin jogging together.

We haven't even made it to the first turn yet, and I already feel my breathing rate steadily growing. My calves have already started to heat up as we round the curve, and by the time we come out of it, I'm already what I would classify as winded.

"So what's this late night I'm hearing about?" Emi asks after half a lap, only slightly worn out it seems.

"I, uh..." The words are caught in my throat for a moment, partially because my breathing has picked up, but mostly because I'm not sure how she'll react to the answer. As far as I know, Emi and Rika aren't exactly on good terms, and for all I know, they could be mortal enemies who want to tear each other's hair out. "I spent the night with the astronomy club."

"So you were out with Rika," she says flatly. Well, it wasn't a lie, per se, but I still fell as if I've been caught red-handed. Heat touches my cheeks as I admit defeat. Wether it's from running or embarrassment I can't tell.

"How'd you know?"

"Rika has an obvious attachment to stargazing, I remember that much. That, and I used to be her running partner, so I got all the stories and gossip about the little club they started," she explains. The question I've been meaning to ask surfaces in my mind, but I'm hesitant to ask it. My curiosity ultimately gets the better of me, however, and I spit it out.

"Why don't you and Rika like each other?"

Emi seems to think about this for a while before giving me an answer. The look on her face tell me it isn't a cheery subject.

"When she stopped being my running partner, she was very rude about it. Don't get me wrong, Rika is a good person at heart, but the way she handles situations she isn't comfortable in is very... abrasive," she explains, seeming to choose her words carefully, "She never gave me a reason for her disappearance, she just up and stopped talking to me. At first I thought she was just sick or something, but I found out from Miki that she was actually avoiding me. Up until then, I thought we were good friends."

Rika going out of her way to avoid someone is a curious thought, especially if she was on good terms with Emi prior to quitting her runs.

"You have no idea... why she stopped talking to you?" My voice is getting much harder to manage as we round the first turn on our second lap.

"None. The first time I've actually seen her since then was on the roof the other day."

"That explains how awkward... that was." My breathing has become rapid and labored. Making an effort to control it, I only end up choking on my own throat and attracting Emi's attention.

"C'mon, Hisao, final stretch! You can make it!" she shouts, giving me the extra bit of willpower I needed to make it back to the benches. I slow to a walk, as does she, and we begin cooling off. My hands find their place at the back of my head as I catch my breath. My heart is beating rapidly, but it's doing it's job well and with minimal discomfort on my part. I can feel the light throb of the bruise on my chest with every deep breath I take. The sweat on my face is cold in contrast to my internal temperature. All around, it's an uncomfortable feeling, and I almost regret pushing myself.

"Anyway," she picks up the conversation again, "It's not that I dislike Rika; it's just that I feel insulted since I'm evidently not worth her time." The tone of her words sounds bitter, but the tone of her voice sounds more disappointed than anything else. This conversation has stirred up more questions than answers, and they're answers I can't get from Emi.

"I'll ask Rika about it next time I see her."

"Please don't," Emi requests, her gaze casted down towards the ground.

"Why not?"

She looks up at me with an expression that lies somewhere between pleading and annoyed. "Because I don't want to start any more drama," she tells me. I seem to have re-opened some old wounds, as there's a profound lack of the energetic pep that Emi always walks with. After her last sentence, she keeps her gaze locked on the grass as if it will offer her an answer.

She goes her separate way to get ready for the rest of the day, while my path takes me to the nurse's office for my after-run checkup.

Why would Rika avoid Emi? That just doesn't make any sense to me. Both of them seem to be laid back and easy to work with, so what reason did one have in abandoning the other? According to Emi, it was without reason, but Rika wouldn't do that... would she? Is my running partner not giving me the full story? I'd like to ask Rika the next chance I get, but Emi says that'll start more drama. Starting drama seems like the last thing Rika would do.

Then again, I still don't really know all that much about her.

I suddenly arrive at the nurses door, the walk from the track inexplicably deleted from my mind and replaced with these questions. Pushing my thoughts to the side for the moment, I head in, the door giving a small creak as it opens.

Just wait until he sees my bruise, I think to myself.

-----------------------------

Having received my checkup and a stern talking-to about being careful with physical activity courtesy of the contusion Kenji left on my chest, I leave the nurses office and prepare for the rest of the day. The sun has risen over the mountains and it's already feeling warm outside. Today's going to be a hot one.

I'm one of the first to arrive in class along with the kid with the bandaged ear, Hanako, and Ikuno. The room is warm as the sun shines into the window from the east. Before I can make it to my desk, Ikuno intercepts me.

"Hey, Hisao," she greets me sheepishly, her hands behind her back and her feet shuffling side to side on the hardwood floor, "I'm sorry about what happened last night."

"Don't worry about it. Things happen," I say dismissively.

"I know, but it was stupid."

"You couldn't have known," I tell her. Last night, after my little episode, I was forced to explain my heart condition to them. After I did, the gravel on the roof was in the spotlight of everyone's vision for a while as the group apologized as a whole. Kenji, on the other hand, said that he couldn't be blamed for having such sharp reflexes, causing Rika to smack him upside the head. "Anyway... Where do you guys usually hang out aside from the astronomy club?" I ask in an attempt to change the subject to something less awkward.

"Actually Alex and I won't be there today," she explains, "We both have some schoolwork we need to catch up on. Saki and Rika should still be there though."

"Saki?"

"Oh, you haven't met her yet?"

I shake my head.

"Her and Rika are usually stuck together like Shizune and Misha over there. She's a nice girl; I think you'll like her."

A moment of silence passes between us as she waits for my answer.

"...So, where can I find them?"

Her face shows the slightest shade of pink as she speaks, "Oh, right! Sorry. It's uh... under the trees, next to the main entrance. You know where that is right?"

"Well I have walked into the school more than once, so probably," I tease.

"Okay, good," she says with a giggle.

The next words that come out of my mouth are directly equivalent to 'nice weather we're having' as I start another conversation with the sole purpose of killing time before the bell rings. Ikuno tells me that she doesn't like hot days because she drinks too much water during summer, and that causes problems with her condition. What that condition is, I'm hesitant to ask.

The bell rings and class begins. Mutou's lecture today is about Thermodynamics, which I actually find very interesting.

-----------------------------

While the rest of the class shuffles out the door to lunch, Ikuno stays behind to do whatever it is she needs to do, waving me off as I exit the room. As I join the murmur of the crowd, my feet set course for the main entrance. After I exit the hallway however, the path becomes more difficult to follow due to the flow of students moving in the opposite direction. I'm left standing still many times as my eyes scan for an opening in the chaos so that I don't collide with anybody.

With minimal contact, I eventually find my way out, immediately spotting the tree that Ikuno mentioned with two figures sitting in the shade of the old oak. One is Rika, with her unmistakable white hair, and the other is one I don't recognize, bearing sandy blonde hair.

As I approach, Rika notices me. She turns to her friend to say something and the turns back with a smile. The girl, who I assume is Saki, points her head in my direction as well, bearing a curious expression on her face.

"Hellooo," Rika greets me with a small wave of her hand. I notice that her uniform is short sleeved today, with a tie running parallel to the braid down her chest.

"You're wearing a boy's uniform today?"

"Of course. This school doesn't have short sleeved uniforms for girls, and have you noticed the temperature?"

"True," I admit, turning my attention to the girl next to her. Her hair is the first thing I notice, being full and wavy in stark contrast to Rika's wispy white hair. She wears a set of earrings that dangle just below her earlobe, and holds a cane in her left hand, keeping it secured on the ground. Her expression is a friendly one, with her amber eyes quietly and curiously observing me. "You must be...?"

"Saki Enomoto," she finishes, extending a hand, "You must be Hisao, I take it?"

"Yes, I'm Hisao. It's nice to meet you," I answer, extending my hand to meet hers. As I do, I notice that her hand is trembling. Not only that, but her entire body seems to be shaking, like a leaf in the breeze. "Are you..?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she answers before I can finish the question, reading the thought before it leaves my mouth, "This shaking is a part of my condition. Spino-whatever-something; I never actually bothered to remember the name."

"Spinocerebellar Ataxia," Rika adds on. Now that's a confusing name if I've ever heard one.

"What she said," Saki says, annoyed, "It's a muscle disease where I slowly lose control. I'm still young, so all I have now is is this trembling, and slight clumsiness."

"Slight. Ha!"

Saki reaches out and pushes Rika from a sitting position down to a prone position as she offers no resistance. "Oh, quiet you."

The way they can talk about it so casually is slightly off-putting, just like back in the nurses office when Rika and I first met. In fact, everyone I've met here so far seems to almost forget they're here for a reason. Saki continues before that train of thought can leave the station.

"So what brings you here?" she asks.

I hesitate before answering. The subject of my condition is still a sensitive one for me, and I really would prefer to keep the number of people who know about it to a minimum. I don't care that much that Rika knows since she has a similar problem, but it still feels like sensitive information. I shuffle my feet anxiously, and the questioning look in Saki's face only exaggerates.

"I have er... Arrythmia. It's a condition where your heart beats irregularly from time to time," I tell her, to which I'm met with a confused look.

"What are- Oh! Oh, I didn't mean what brings you to this school! I meant why are you here, here," she explains as the other girl tries to hold back her laughter. My cheeks flush red as I stammer.

"I- Er- Sorry, I just-" It's no use. Both of the girls are laughing at me now, though Saki's laugh is more of a suppressed giggle. Rika's laugh, however is much more blatant. It's a wholesome laugh that includes every muscle in her torso, with each 'ha' clearly pronounced.

"So what brings you here, to this tree?" Saki asks once more after calming down, putting emphasis on the exact location this time.

"Well..." I begin, but don't finish. I would say that I'm here mainly to see Rika, but that would make me seem desperate. Before whatever sad excuse for an answer I'd come up with is able to surface, the laughing girl at my feet speaks up.

"He's here because he's hopelessly in love with me," Rika says, retaining her smile ear to ear as she lies parallel to my feet. If I were a girl, she would be able to see directly up my skirt.

"No that's not it!" I reply reflexively.

"Really? Damn," she feigns disappointment and purses her lips at me. In the whole time I've been here my face has only gotten redder. Fortunately, before I can say anything else to dig this hole even deeper, I realized what she's doing.

"Just shut up, you." My foot pokes her in the shoulder. I've finally solved the riddle, as this answer seems to satisfy Rika as one she can't turn against me. Her gaze bypasses me as she begins staring up into the leaves, having gotten lost in thought just like that.

"So, you two are a couple?" Saki asks, pointing at both of us with her cane as I nod my head to confirm. "Oh really? That explains why Rika was crooning over you. She left out that little detail."

As I take my seat in the grass, Rika pulls herself up and out of thought, brushing the leftover blades off of her back to take her spot between Saki and I.

"Be quiet, Saki, he doesn't need to know that!"

"Oh, that isn't the half of it! She kept me up half the night with her texts."

"Saki!"

"No, no, please. Go on," I request, holding Rika back before she can clap her hand over Saki's mouth. She continues to tell me about Rika's girly gossip-y side and how her phone inbox essentially acts as a confessional for her. Eventually, my holding Rika back turns into me simply holding her as she embarrassedly accepts her fate.

Saki seems like a fun enough person to be around, sharing the same nonchalant attitude that Rika does, except that she's more graceful about it. She also has a penchant for making sure Rika is slightly annoyed with her at all times. Despite their constant spiting each other, the two seem to be very close friends. Even I end up sharing a few of the laughs they have between themselves. Eventually the teasing turns on me as well, but even then I can't help but to laugh at myself, something I've never really been able to do before. The effect is amplified by the fact that I couldn't think of a witty response to save my life. The thought of the entire group being here and exchanging repartee is enough to bring a smile to my face.

Even on the brightest days, the sun must set. A phrase symbolized by the school bell chiming in, telling us that we have to return to class. As I'm getting up, I realize that I'd completely forgotten to ask Rika about her feud with Emi, but it's too late to ask now because she's already gotten up to leave.

"I'll catch you later," Rika says to me as she gives me a farewell peck on the cheek, which is met with a distant wolf whistle. "Dammit, Saki!"

I watch as she runs off to harass her friend. While Saki is much more graceful socially, Rika holds that trophy in her physicality. I notice once more how lazy her movements are, but how she never seems to miss a step. She easily ducks and weaves around, taking advantage of Saki's own clumsiness before going in for the kill. She runs her hands through Saki's blonde hair, fraying her previously perfect hairstyle. Normally, a girl would bash anyone over the head for that, but the two simply shake their fists at each other before going their separate ways.

As I turn to walk away with a stupid grin on my face, my stomach growls, and I realize that I've forgotten to eat anything.

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Last edited by Retrograde01 on Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/13]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Sat Jul 13, 2013 5:39 am

Retrograde01 wrote:My voice is getting much harder to manage
Gotta use the right kind of tense. That is present tense, yes, but it isn't the right frame. You should say, "My voice gets much harder to manage".
Retrograde01 wrote:The sun has risen over the mountains and it's already feeling warm outside
Sorta the same thing. Avoid using abstract verbs like "is". "...and it already feels warm outside" would be better.
Retrograde01 wrote:Just wait until he sees my bruise, I think to myself.
Should put what he thinks to himself in italics, or inverted commas, or something.
Retrograde01 wrote:If I were a girl, she would be able to see directly up my skirt.
Rin what are you doing stop pretending to be Hisao

So we sort of have a relationship going, friends are being made and plot threads are being laid out. Soon, the game shall be afoot.
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fluffy_pink
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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/5]

Post by fluffy_pink » Sat Jul 13, 2013 10:31 am

This story is going great. I didn't really find any errors in this chapter, but I found the latter half of this sentence a bit awkward:
Retrograde01 wrote:I notice once more how lazy her movements are, but how she never seems to miss a step.
I think "and yet she never seems to miss a step" rolls off the tongue better. I'm by no means an expert on what constitutes a proper sentence, could one of the resident grammar experts please give their opinion?
Retrograde01 wrote:Also, pardon the name change, but the new name is much more appropriate for what I plan to do with this story.
You don't need pardoning, the new name is awesome. For the non-astrophysicists here, have a quick look at the wikipedia article on redshift. Foreshadowing!

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/13]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:40 pm

fluffy_pink wrote:I think "and yet she never seems to miss a step" rolls off the tongue better. I'm by no means an expert on what constitutes a proper sentence, could one of the resident grammar experts please give their opinion?
For what it's worth, I would be inclined to agree with you there.
fluffy_pink wrote:link
Fascinating! I hadn't realised that masses could have relative velocities so great that the Doppler effect would apply to emitted light! Truly fascinating reading!
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

pip25
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Re: Redshift - Rika Route [7/13]

Post by pip25 » Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:39 pm

I think I found a missing word here:
She never gave me a reason for her disappearance, she just up and stopped talking to me.
Stood up? Gave up?
Otherwise, nice chapter. You do seem to continue introducing new characters, and I'm interested in seeing what will come out of all this. :)

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