He Didn't Listen - Oneshot [Part 2 Added: 29/8/13]

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Lost In The Fire
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He Didn't Listen - Oneshot [Part 2 Added: 29/8/13]

Post by Lost In The Fire » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:30 pm

It appears I have had a bit of free time on my hands recently, and thus decided to work on another oneshot.

As always feedback is appreciated.


He Didn't Listen: Part 1

“Get out of my room, get out of my room, get out of my room…!”

Her words echoed through my mind as I made my way back to my room. Each reverberation dealt a small blow.

“I hate you more than anyone…!”

Slowly I made my way down the hall of my dorm. I felt as if my feet were made of lead, and I only wanted to sit on my bed in the dark for a few hours. While fiddling with my own lock, I heard the sound of innumerable other locks being undone behind me. I let out a sharp sigh. Of all the people in the world, Kenji was probably the last person I wanted to see right then. I hoped to use his poor eyesight to my advantage and began to slowly slide into my room, but stopped when he spoke.

“Glad you’re back bro,” he said, his usual smirk on his face, “I need your help on something. I’ve also got some new intel that you are not going to believe!”

“Not now,” I replied, “I’m not in the mood.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked. “Is it about those girls you’ve been spending time with? I told you those broads were bad news! You should have —”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Kenji. Please leave me alone,” I interjected sharply. He gave a sharp frown, but persisted anyway.

“Well I didn’t want to hear about it,” he contested, “But I really do think you need to see this. And I really need your help on this project. It’ll help save the planet, man. What could be better than that?”

“I don’t care right now, please just leave me alone,” I responded. I then began to make my way into my room, stopping only after I felt Kenji’s hand grab my shoulder.

“You need to get your mind off whatever this thing is, man, let me help you with that,” he pleaded. “This’ll distract you and you’ll be helping all mankind at the same time. It’s a win-win.” That was the final straw. I turned around sharply, causing Kenji to retract his hand.

“God damn it, Kenji,” I shouted. “Go away! I don’t care about your goddamn conspiracies! No one does! There are no feminists coming to get you. You are not the last sane man in an insane world. You are the furthest thing from it!”

Kenji looked at me in surprise, as if I had physically just stabbed him in the back.

“They finally got to you, man,” he said as he began to slowly back away.

“No one got to me,” I retorted. “There is no one to get me. None of it is real. You’re just a sad little man sitting alone in his room who created an elaborate story to justify your fear of the outside world. Then you try to drag people like me into the story to provide you company in your loneliness. I don’t care about your conspiracies or your stupid projects. Just leave me alone!”

“You never said anything,” Kenji said, his voice low.

“You never listened,” I growled. I watched as Kenji slowly made his way back to his room. As he closed the door he shook his head.

“They finally got you, man, they finally got you,” he mumbled. His door closed quietly, followed by the sound of several locks being set back into place. I exhaled sharply as I then made my way into my own room. I took care to close and lock the door behind me before I sat on my bed in the dark.

I let out a sigh as I realized my anger in the hallway was uncalled for. For as much as I was annoyed by Kenji, he was right. In all his ramblings I had mainly humored him. I had led him to believe I was his sole friend in his imaginary war when I did not speak up. At the same time, he never listened the few times I did.

I couldn’t help but let out a small, sad chuckle at how the shoe was now on the other foot. All those weeks I had spent trying to protect her, she rarely spoke out against it. Those few times she did, I did not listen. Indeed we were both at fault for what had happened that day.

I made a promise that tomorrow I would apologize to Kenji for biting his head off. I would also at least give one attempt to reconcile with her whenever she decided to leave her room again. Whether or not we could move on from there was in her hands. However, from then on I would start listening, even if there was nothing being said.
Last edited by Lost In The Fire on Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:41 am, edited 2 times in total.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:26 am

I'd suspect he'd need to do more than just apologise to Kenji to patch up that falling-out. :wink: An interesting, albeit short, oneshot. There's a few things I'd like to comment on, if I may:
Lost In The Fire wrote: I cut him off
This is a poor choice of speech tag, especially given the past/present tense ambiguity or the word, "cut". Furthermore, given the incomplete sentence preceding this one, your readers will assume that Kenji was cut off anyway - no need to tell them. Say something else; "I interject sharply" or the like. Speaking of saying something else...
Lost In The Fire wrote:... I shouted. ...
... I shouted back. ...
... I shouted back. ...
You gotta change at least two of those verbs, man. While repeating words in some cases is appropriate and has a useful effect, in this case that is not true. The first one reads the most like shouting, so perhaps that one can stay. The second one reads as if it is much more measured, with a venomous tone. Something that one might retort, perhaps? The third instance definitely does not read like shouting. It appears equally low to Kenji's preceding line, so maybe Hisao growled it over his shoulder?
Lost In The Fire wrote:You are the furthest thing from!
From it.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Lost In The Fire » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:39 am

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I'd suspect he'd need to do more than just apologise to Kenji to patch up that falling-out. :wink:
I imagine that Hisao will probably cross that bridge when he comes to it. I'm not saying it won't be a difficult feat though, considering said bridge has been burned.

As for your suggestions, thank you.
You have done the service of a thesaurus for me today sir, and for that I am grateful.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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Markus Ramikin
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Markus Ramikin » Thu Jun 06, 2013 2:29 pm

I liked it. A shame that it won't be continued.
Lilly=Emi=Hanako>Rin >>... ...

My stories are: here.

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Lost In The Fire » Fri Jun 07, 2013 3:10 am

Markus Ramikin wrote:I liked it. A shame that it won't be continued.
I am glad you enjoyed it.
The reason I have this as a oneshot rather than a longer work is that I was able to get across everything I wanted to with this scene. I feel that if I actually developed it into a longer work it may just turn into a fix fic.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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Markus Ramikin
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Markus Ramikin » Fri Jun 07, 2013 3:44 am

You say that like it's a bad thing.

But nah, I hear you. I've been on the other side of "you said it's a oneshot but I want more" enough times myself.
Lilly=Emi=Hanako>Rin >>... ...

My stories are: here.

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Lost In The Fire » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:59 am

Its not a bad thing.

If I did turn this into a longer piece I'd most likely have Hisao's reconciliation with Hanako take place in the background as he waits for her to leave her room again.
In the mean time there is patching things up with Kenji, which would be interesting to write, though a challenge for me personally. I personally didn't care very much for Kenji when I was reading through the VN and have no idea how he'd react in the aftermath of the events of this oneshot.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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Dream
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Dream » Sun Jun 09, 2013 7:08 pm

Simple, but good and interesting short piece. It was quite nice.

I liked how you used the falling out with Kenji and Hisao's relationship with him as an analogy for his relationship with Hanako, and although i'm not too hot on the monologue/realization Hisao has after that ("Tomorrow, i'll try to apologize to Kenji and Hanako") it is the most natural progression.
"It is not reason, more or less furnished, but will that makes the world march"

"Unfortunately, if you can think of something really stupid, someone out there probably believes it." -Xanatos

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Walshy12238
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Walshy12238 » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:40 pm

I thought this was actually really good; it was short, but really got the point across well. This works really well as a oneshot I think, like you said, if it was drawn out into something longer then it would probably end up being monotonous and a bit unnecessary.
Lilly > Hanako=Emi > Shizune > Rin

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Lost In The Fire » Wed Jun 12, 2013 12:17 am

Dream wrote:Simple, but good and interesting short piece. It was quite nice.

I liked how you used the falling out with Kenji and Hisao's relationship with him as an analogy for his relationship with Hanako, and although i'm not too hot on the monologue/realization Hisao has after that ("Tomorrow, i'll try to apologize to Kenji and Hanako") it is the most natural progression.
I was hoping someone saw what I had done there.
Thank you for the kind words. I agree that the realization is a little ham-handed, but then again so is Hisao in many parts of the VN.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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Oddball
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Oddball » Wed Jun 12, 2013 1:33 am

Lost In The Fire wrote:
Markus Ramikin wrote:I liked it. A shame that it won't be continued.
I am glad you enjoyed it.
The reason I have this as a oneshot rather than a longer work is that I was able to get across everything I wanted to with this scene. I feel that if I actually developed it into a longer work it may just turn into a fix fic.
Good thing you ended it there then.

Frankly, I think it would be more interesting seeing how things go for Hisao when neither Kenji nor Hanako accept his apologies.
Not Dead Yet

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Lost In The Fire » Thu Jun 20, 2013 12:14 am

Oddball wrote:
Lost In The Fire wrote:
Markus Ramikin wrote:I liked it. A shame that it won't be continued.
I am glad you enjoyed it.
The reason I have this as a oneshot rather than a longer work is that I was able to get across everything I wanted to with this scene. I feel that if I actually developed it into a longer work it may just turn into a fix fic.
Good thing you ended it there then.

Frankly, I think it would be more interesting seeing how things go for Hisao when neither Kenji nor Hanako accept his apologies.
You make it sound like its bound that both are set on not accepting his apologies.
While I can see Kenji easily not accepting the apology for any number of reasons, both conspiracy based or otherwise, I like to think that Hanako's bad ending always left the most room for things to turn around in the end.

That is just my opinion though.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

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Oddball
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot

Post by Oddball » Thu Jun 20, 2013 5:05 am

Lost In The Fire wrote:
You make it sound like its bound that both are set on not accepting his apologies.
No. It's just that Hisao being able to fix his "bad endings" is fairly common in fics. Having him mess up, being unable to fix it, and trying to deal with that is something that's much more rare to see.
Not Dead Yet

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Lost In The Fire
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot [Part 2 Added: 29/8/13]

Post by Lost In The Fire » Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:40 am

Alright guys. Turns out that I lied. I apparently had a little more to say with this one shot than I originally thought and am going to include part two.
A big thanks goes to BlackWaltz for his help editing this from my original draft.
As always feedback is appreciated.


He Didn’t Listen: Part Two

Hanako,
There are so many things I want to say, but I would like to say them in person. I have a feeling that the same goes for you. If you would like to hear me out when you’re ready, please come find me.

Hisao


That was the message I had slipped under Hanako’s door almost four days prior. I never expected a quick response and I would have been lying to myself if I hadn't felt there was a good chance she’d never speak to me again. Still, a part of me remained hopeful and even then as I sat on my bed watched the afternoon sun through my window, I listened for what would have been a very quiet and very unlikely knock at my door. I promised myself that I would let her make the next move. What did from there was in her hands.

I gave a small sigh. I wished that Hanako would have shared her thoughts with me more often. Then again, I also wished I had picked up more on the subtle hints she had left during those few times she did. Above all I wished I had known more about how Hanako felt about me. Up until she went off at me I had always thought of us as friends. The look she had given me when she was spent, however-that look of utter defeat and sadness-makes me feel she had been hoping for something more. I didn't know exactly how I felt about that notion myself. I was not opposed to a relationship with Hanako; in fact I didn't think I ever had so much in common with any girl than I had with her. My head raced with the weight of my thoughts.

My luck in apologizing to Kenji had been even worse despite my more proactive approach. I’d tried to catch him in the hall a few times, but he usually would usually disappear into his room before I was able to get more than a sentence out. Kenji had always appeared tough, so I was a little surprised that what had happened in the hall that day had such an effect on him. He must have valued our friendship a lot more than I ever imagined.

The sound of a door opening in the hallway broke my train of thought. I waited for a few seconds for the footsteps to fade before I went to my window and peered outside. Before long I could see Kenji as he made his way across the grounds carrying a small bag. I made sure to waste no time in following him.

Despite his paranoia Kenji didn’t prove difficult to trail provided I kept my distance. It was clear from his path of looping around and through various buildings that he was attempting to throw off any observers. By staying out of his limited range of sight I was able to keep on his tail with him none the wiser. It wasn’t long before I found that his destination was the school roof. I waited for a few minutes to allow him to settle in before I followed him back out into the sunset. It is there that I found him sitting on a blanket and looking out towards the sky with his glasses off and what appeared to be a bottle of some sort of alcohol in his hand.

I tried to make my way over to him as quietly as I could, though I was sure he could hear every step I made. Despite that, Kenji didn’t move. Instead he remained seated and took a swig from the bottle.

“Mind if I join you?” I asked, stopping a good distance away from what appeared to be his picnic.

“I thought that was you following me,” He responded. There wasn’t any accusation in his voice; if anything he sounds more defeated than angry. “Have you come to assassinate me?”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” I replied with a small chuckle.

He then turned his head to look at me. It was the first time I’d ever seen him without his glasses. He looked like he hadn’t slept in years; the bags under his eyes making him look both very tired and very melancholy at the same time. He then nodded and gestured for me to join him, turning his gaze back to the sky as I took my seat. The two of us sat in silence for a few moments before Kenji took another swig from the bottle and began to speak.

“I don’t think I ever told you what I did during the festival, did I?” Kenji asked.

“What did you do?” I inquired. Truth be told I was a little curious as to where he hid that night. Kenji then pointed to the bottle in response.

“You’re looking at it, man,” He said, eyeing the bottle as he swirls the liquid inside. “Came up here and drank until I passed out.” I wanted to say there was a little regret in the way he looked at the alcohol, but before I could identify it he perked back up. “What did you say you did again?”

“I spent most of the day playing chess with Hanako. We then went into town with Lilly and watched the fireworks from a tea shop,” I answered. Looking back on that night I was really glad that I made the choices I did. Kenji gave a small snort and a dismissive wave with his free hand.

“That must be when they got you bro,” he said as he shook his head in pity. “To think this entire time I thought I could rely on Hisao Nakai, the great master of reconnaissance. I should have known they’d get to you. I shouldn’t have been so hopeful.”

The two of us sat in silence for several minutes, Kenji passing the time by taking a few more swigs from his bottle.

“I never told you this, or anyone else really, but I once had a girlfriend,” Kenji said as he put the bottle down, taking care to not knock it over in the process. I had to catch myself to keep from laughing.

“You did?” I asked, Kenji violently nodded in response as if it would help dislodge the memory from his brain.

“I just blew your goddamn mind, I know,” Kenji replied, his words became faster as he spoke. “I thought she was different, man. Kind of like I thought you were. But then one day we engaged in sexual intercourse.”

He stopped there for a moment as he took another swig. I was at a complete loss for words. It was enough of a shocker when Kenji admitted he once had a girlfriend, but for him to also admit to having sex was something I never imagined happening.

“I thought it was alright at first. Then afterwards I felt tired and drained. That’s when I learned the truth. That’s when it all became clear. Women were feeding off the life force of men using that one commodity. It’s sickening!”

Kenji’s volume increased as he began to nearly shout. He then finished the rest of the alcohol, tossing the empty bottle aside as he once again fell quiet, the silence only breaking as he quietly adds, “That’s when I split, man. I never even told her that we were through.”

“I’m sorry,” I said as I placed a hand on his shoulder, “that must have been rough.”

“Don’t be,” Kenji hissed as he pulled his shoulder away, “I’m better off alone. They can’t get you when you’re alone, you know? There’s no one to stab you in the back when you’re alone.”

“You don’t have to be alone, Kenji,” I tried to explain. He violently shook his head in response.

“What, you mean be like you?” He sneered. “You want me to fucking join them? Become a traitor too?”

“That’s not what I meant.” I replied. I then let out a deep sigh. “You were one of the first people to befriend me when I transferred here. You're antics were more amusing than anything else. I shouldn’t have bitten your head off like I did. I’m sorry, Kenji.”

I watch as he looked back up at me and squinted, a small smirk forming before he shook his head in response.

“There are some things you can’t fix, man,” He said as he got to his feet, carefully putting his glasses back on in the process. “You’ve already blown the fact that you’ve been compromised. We’re not friends anymore. Not since you’ve joined them.”

I wanted to argue with him, but past experiences had shown me that once he had made up his mind he would not change it. Even worse, past experiences had shown me that I could never tell when enough was enough. With my luck if I continued to pry Kenji would become violent in an attempt to defend himself.

“Alright then,” I said as I got to my feet as well. I began to take my leave only to watch as Kenji wobbled as he attempted to pick up his blanket. “Will you at least let me help you get back to the dorms in one piece?”

Kenji looked at me hard for a few moments then sighed.

“Whatever, man,” He replied.

The two of us made our way across the grounds as the sun disappeared into the twilight. Neither of us said a word to the other. It’s only when I noticed someone in the distance that I stopped. She stood alone, her eyes on the ground as we approached.

“Hanako,” I said under my breath. Kenji apparently heard me, as he was then focusing on Hanako’s general direction. I slowly turned to him to only have him quickly pull away, a look of disgust on his face as he increased the distance between us.

“Go on, man!” He shouted. “Your feminist masters want to see you.”

Kenji slowly stumbled away, only stopping to occasionally look back and shake his head in disappointment. Eventually I felt a small tug on my sleeve and turned to find Hanako standing by my side, her eyes still locked on the ground. For several awkward minutes neither of us spoke. Hanako eventually broke the silence.

“Could… could we talk somewhere else?” She asked. I nodded and gestured for her to lead the way.

Before we left I took a one last moment to glance once more at Kenji as he disappeared into the dorms. It has become apparent that whatever friendship I had with him will most likely never be the same, if not gone entirely. He was both unable and unwilling to forgive me and would most likely feel like I had betrayed him for the rest of his life. Perhaps if left well enough alone his need to share his conspiracies would bring him back around. Any further attempts I could make to apologize at this point would be perceived as an infiltration attempt on my part.

I then turned and quietly followed behind Hanako. Maybe I had lost one friend that day. Maybe if I played my cards right I could keep from losing another.
Last edited by Lost In The Fire on Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Some one-shots.
He Didn't Listen - Hanako Bad End
Observations - OC POV
Mmmmm'yep.

Troy
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Re: He Didn't Listen - Oneshot [Part 2 Added: 29/8/13]

Post by Troy » Fri Aug 30, 2013 5:40 pm

i love it!

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