Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
BlackWaltzTheThird
Posts: 614
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:38 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:14 am

Fascinating. Honestly I'm still not sure whether there's any solidarity in the ending/beginning of either relationship here. Maybe that ambiguity was deliberate? Maybe a harem ending could be in Hisao's future? Anyway, it was certainly a nice continuation, if a bit melodramatic at times. That bad end especially so. I like that Kenji was the catalyst for either end, and that he - along with the other four main girls - had roles in this story. Hanako punching Hisao was certainly a highlight.

The writing was mostly good, though there was a typographical or grammatical error here and there. The characters were, for the most part, well-written; I especially felt that Rin's and Jigoro's characters were nailed right on the head. In those respects, kudos to you. I do wonder, though, what those reserved posts were for.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

Kurara
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:33 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Kurara » Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:35 pm

I registered just to say that this was a very moving piece of work.

Good and Bad End Shizune breaking down really got to me. It felt really emotional and moving, a sign that you wrote an excellent and mature piece of work. I really look forward to more writings from you if this is the level of quality you can bring. :)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6024
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:45 pm

Okay, I haven't completely finished the story yet (I'm at the end of chapter nine), but what I can say so far is that the writing is very good.
The same goes for the characterizations - well, your Hisao is a bit exaggerated, but he's shown tendencies in that direction in Shizune's route as well, so this is probably intentional.

The only thing I didn't like so far was - you probably guessed it - the choice point.
Now, I don't like those in fanfictions in general, but if an author really wants to use them...
In this case however the choice didn't seem to have an impact on the rest of the story at all: If Hisao chooses to talk Kenji out of his plan, he'll still go forward with it by himself, so it feels as if you completely ignored the reader's choice after offering it to him.
A point that seems to have more impact on Hisao's actions would have been "Stop watching the video" vs. "Continue watching". At least that provides him with some insight and changes his attitude towards Misha.
It still doesn't stop him from going through with his plan, though. It takes Mutou to do that. And while the scene with Mutou is really well written, it is in no way connected with any choice Hisao made or even could have made. It's just random chance.
And if the outcome is going to be decided by random chance* anyway, why give the reader a choice in the first place?

*Yes, I know this is redundant.

There were a few minor things I noticed, but nothing worth mentioning except that by the time of this story, Lilly should be long gone to Scotland. But including her was probably a deliberate choice on your part as well, since she plays a semi-important role in your story.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

pip25
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:48 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by pip25 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:40 pm

Thank you very much for the great feedback! :D
bpgbcg wrote:It's pretty scary seeing the Hisao we know being driven to something like that.
Thanks, that was roughly what I wanted to show, although perhaps the buildup leaves something to be desired still. As with other routes, the heroine-specific question ("Can you be yourself?", as seen in the first post) is something Hisao has to face as well, and in the bad ending, well, he fails pretty miserably.
nemz wrote:Still, if ever there was a setup to successfully pull off a harem ending this was it. Jiggoro would be disappointed, but not suprised, by your lack of manly boldness. :mrgreen:
Heh, can't say it didn't cross my mind. ;) But I wouldn't have been able to pull that off I'm afraid, at least not in any way that's even remotely believable. It surely can be done, but unfortunately, I'm simply not the right guy for that. :)
nemz wrote:(and I still don't understand what the hell he thought stopping the elections would accomplish in either ending)
By any sane definition, sabotaging the elections accomplishes very little, except for, well, making Shizune miserable. Hisao might have tried hiding behind some big words, but ultimately his goals were no more coherent and no less selfish than that.
Markus Ramikin wrote:Good story. I enjoyed the sabotage route in particular.
Thank you! :)
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Honestly I'm still not sure whether there's any solidarity in the ending/beginning of either relationship here. Maybe that ambiguity was deliberate? Maybe a harem ending could be in Hisao's future? Anyway, it was certainly a nice continuation, if a bit melodramatic at times.
If you mean the Hisao/Misha relationship, yes, the ambiguity there was deliberate, and I'm really happy to hear that it came out in a way that's actually noticeable. Since the story takes place after a bad ending, even though one of the endings is pretty optimistic, I wanted to retain a little ambiguity there, while for the other ending I was trying to go for something positively disastrous. (And I may have gone overboard, hence the melodrama.)
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I do wonder, though, what those reserved posts were for.
Apparently, on some browsers (Firefox, for instance) and on lower screen resolutions, if a forum page gets too large, the bottom of it completely falls apart. Since one page has 15 posts regardless of post length, I had to insert some padding for pages one and two in order to avoid that from happening, since the other posts came out quite large.
Kurara wrote:Good and Bad End Shizune breaking down really got to me. It felt really emotional and moving, a sign that you wrote an excellent and mature piece of work. I really look forward to more writings from you if this is the level of quality you can bring. :)
Thank you very much. To be honest, I don't have plans for any more KS fics at the moment, but who knows what the future will bring. :)
Mirage_GSM wrote:The only thing I didn't like so far was - you probably guessed it - the choice point.
The choice, as unimportant as it may seem, was meant to signify a turning point for Hisao where he either manages to retain at least a fraction of his common sense, or lets himself be consumed by his delusions completely. If he chooses to use Kenji to accomplish his goals, he soon sinks so low both in terms of morality and sanity that even Kenji himself is freaked out by it. The second choice, on the other hand, is not about him giving up on his plan to sabotage the elections, but about showing at least a tiny bit of restraint and sane thinking. Everything else is just a consequence.
You do have a point about Mutou though. I originally wanted to use Kenji for that scene (since in this route he, as a candidate, has every reason to make sure that the elections go smoothly), but ended up going with Mutou for various reasons, which indeed resulted in the part looking a bit deus ex machina-ish. Still, it is also true that Hisao getting "saved" (at least in part) by forces and people beyond his control has always been my intention from the beginning. This choice is less about whether Hisao is able to realize his mistakes himself, and more about whether he will at least allow others to hammer the truth into his tiny little brain. ;)
Mirage_GSM wrote:There were a few minor things I noticed, but nothing worth mentioning except that by the time of this story, Lilly should be long gone to Scotland.

This is in fact detailed in chapter 10, I just want to add that Lilly staying in Japan is actually part of the bad ending route of Shizune's story. You spend the lunch break in her company the day after talking with Misha in the "Parfait" chapter, which takes place after summer break. The only thing I made up here was the explanation for her continued presence.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6024
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:44 pm

The choice, as unimportant as it may seem, was meant to signify a turning point for Hisao where he either manages to retain at least a fraction of his common sense, or lets himself be consumed by his delusions completely.
Yes, that much was noticeable. The problem I had was that even though the reader made the choice to be reasonable Hisao still went and did the same stupid thing and had to be saved by circumstance.
You do have a point about Mutou though. I originally wanted to use Kenji for that scene (since in this route he, as a candidate, has every reason to make sure that the elections go smoothly),...

In my opinion that would have been a much better choice.
but ended up going with Mutou for various reasons, which indeed resulted in the part looking a bit deus ex machina-ish. Still, it is also true that Hisao getting "saved" (at least in part) by forces and people beyond his control has always been my intention from the beginning.
I don't mind a bit of Deus-ex-machina now and then. There will always be forces outside the protagonist's control, and often the protagonist has to rely on outside help to solve his problems. In fact that's often better than making him a Gary Stu who can solve all problems himself. That's not what I'm criticising here!
Mutou would have been a perfectly legitimate character to be there in this situation to help Hisao, but: He wasn't there in the bad end!
It is something that has bothered me in several Visual Novels I've read so far. One choice will change something in the background that is totally unrelated to the choice. The prime example I'm always citing is Tsukihime: One decision of the protagonist - whether or not to go outside at night to check on a sound - will not only change whom he will meet. It will change who the main antagonist of the story is. It's not just that he won't meet that person; that person won't even make an appearance in that path at all. And he won't have been there either^^°.
Admittedly Mutou being there or not is not as absurd by a long shot, but it's still something that could be avoided easily.
Let me repeat that this is almost the only thing I don't like in that story, and it's easily helped if I just ignore the bad end branch completely.
This choice is less about whether Hisao is able to realize his mistakes himself, and more about whether he will at least allow others to hammer the truth into his tiny little brain. ;)
But he didn't. He still tried to do it. Had Mutou been there in the bad route... Well, he'd have been way more angry, and Mutou probably would have had to hammer a lot harder, but... Well, you know...
This is in fact detailed in chapter 10, I just want to add that Lilly staying in Japan is actually part of the bad ending route of Shizune's story. You spend the lunch break in her company the day after talking with Misha in the "Parfait" chapter, which takes place after summer break. The only thing I made up here was the explanation for her continued presence.
Ah, yes, that was in Shizune's route, wasn't it? That scene has been stated by the devs to be a continuity error. Lilly was supposed to have left for Scotland in Shizune's route as well. Got past us in the beta^^°
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

pip25
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:48 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by pip25 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 5:22 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Mutou would have been a perfectly legitimate character to be there in this situation to help Hisao, but: He wasn't there in the bad end!
And that's a entirely valid point, made even more obvious by how Hisao himself admits in the bad end that if Hanako went to one of the teachers, he would have been completely screwed. I definitely overlooked this aspect here.
It is something that has bothered me in several Visual Novels I've read so far.

I'm also something of a continuity-maniac myself. :) For instance it has always bothered me how in Shizune's route, Hisao has an exam right after the festival, in the first period even, while in the others this obviously doesn't happen. This is why I wanted to come up with explanations to things like Lilly's presence or the fact that Lilly and Shizune ran the Student Council by themselves for a while; script error or not, they were in the game, so... ;)
I will try to pay more attention to this the next time.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6024
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jun 04, 2013 6:32 pm

Just finished the rest of the story...
[He always looks pretty confident about what he's doing though, and that's interesting. Maybe I'll re-read that 'declaration' thing he gave me on Tuesday; I barely skimmed through it earlier.]
...
[If you're here the next time he appears, could you introduce us properly? You must know him better than I do.]
You know, if you decide to continue this, this could be the second Shizune X Kenji ship on these forums :-D

Nice ending as well. I didn't think it was very ambiguous, though. He made it very clear that he wants to stay with Misha.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
nemz
Posts: 531
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by nemz » Tue Jun 04, 2013 7:56 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:The problem I had was that even though the reader made the choice to be reasonable Hisao still went and did the same stupid thing and had to be saved by circumstance.
Wait... was he still going to do the water balloon thing in the good path or just rub it in her face that he cheated on her while they were together? Because that's what I thought he was on about with the whole 'truth' he keeps mentioning.

Also in BOTH paths it really bothers me that he abandons Misha while still apparently motivated to do this by a need for revenge because Misha got hurt. What's the reasoning there?
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

pip25
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:48 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by pip25 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:13 pm

nemz wrote:Wait... was he still going to do the water balloon thing in the good path or just rub it in her face that he cheated on her while they were together? Because that's what I thought he was on about with the whole 'truth' he keeps mentioning.
The water balloon thing was for the bad end only. For the good ending Hisao only planned on triggering the fire alarm, and chewing Shizune out for... whatever he felt Shizune did wrong, which was basically everything and then some. :P
Also in BOTH paths it really bothers me that he abandons Misha while still apparently motivated to do this by a need for revenge because Misha got hurt. What's the reasoning there?
Misha getting hurt only pushed him over the edge, he was having issues from the beginning. In fact, I'd say his motivation was 80% selfish and only 20% about Misha. It didn't help that Misha did not agree with his views on the accident which created a rift between the two of them as well. Hisao was overflowing with frustration both because of the accident and because of his own conflicting emotions, and Shizune was a very convenient target: it was easy to blame everything on her especially since they haven't even spoken to each other for a while, so Hisao could paint her black to his heart's content.

User avatar
Catharsis
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 3:11 am

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Catharsis » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:54 pm

This is really, really good. I wish you were going to do more KS-related stuff. :(
Image

User avatar
Markus Ramikin
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 2:14 am
Location: Holy Terra

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Markus Ramikin » Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:17 am

pip25 wrote:The water balloon thing was for the bad end only.
What do you mean, bad end. ;) Shizune suffering for not realizing that this Student Council stuff is something that doesn't actually matter - and certainly isn't worth prioritising over fixing issues with people she supposedly cares about - is a good thing! (If only that moron had stopped short of trying to hit her...)

<<

>>

Whaaat?
Lilly=Emi=Hanako>Rin >>... ...

My stories are: here.

Bagheera
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Bagheera » Thu Jun 06, 2013 9:44 pm

Fantastic story. I love stories that salvage bad ends, but this one is up with the two post-neutral end Rin stories in terms of quality (a very tough bar to meet. It felt like a natural continuation of Shizune's route both in terms of writing style and themes and it managed to consume me utterly for a whole day. So kudos for that!

Also, thank you for finishing the story before posting it. Too many stories go unfinished around here, and while I don't mind one whit when authors work at their own pace I do get irked when promising stories wind up getting abandoned because the author loses interest.

On the meaninglessness of the decision: I'll note that several choice points in the actual game have seeming random and counter-intuitive effects (and of course some are utterly meaningless, particularly in Rin's route). I think the fact it didn't seem to relate to the execution of Hisao's plans actually made it feel more genuine.

On his utter fail with Misha after the accident: I'm surprised he didn't show more concern for her, but even so it was obvious his plot against Shizune had nothing to do with revenge for Misha. He was just sick and tired of her pushing them away, to the point where Misha was an afterthought. That's part of what he was apologizing for at the end. I know Pip already said that, but I'm just adding my two cents here. :lol:

Thanks again for a great story! I really enjoyed reading it.
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


ProfAllister
Posts: 492
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:49 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by ProfAllister » Thu Jun 06, 2013 11:18 pm

I drop off the grid for a few days to have a child and an entire Misha route appears in my absence? O.o

Well, first off, congratulations are in order. Completing a significant/long-term project is a worthwhile accomplishment. Full stop.

Also, any Misha love is good Misha love.

That being said, I have a few problems with the final product.

Characterwise, Misha was consistent, if not the interpretation I'd use. You did a good job of largely sticking to canon, while taking a couple (conservative) liberties.
I'm not so sure about Shizune. While parts of her actions seemed spot-on, I just don't think I can agree that she'd act that way post-bad end. It's simply inconsistent with my interpretation of her character.
Hisao was... problematic, but I'll get to that.

Up though chapter 5, I was reasonably into it. There were some parts where I'd disagree, but it wasn't really that bad - except for Rin.

In Shizune's arc (i.e., including Act 1), Rin plays a tiny role. Specifically, she's introduced, then disappears. While Hisao could have potentially spent time off-screen with Rin, I find that doubtful. So when Hisao goes to the girls' dorms, we have Rin literally(!) risking her neck for the sake of a cute boy in another class that she met several months ago because... reasons? Even for Rin, that's a bit of a stretch. Similarly, Emi's abandoned so suddenly that you can literally have Hisao stand her up with absolutely no repercussions, as she falls off the face of the earth. While the two of them were reasonably well-written, their presence feels forced.

Starting with chapter 6, things started getting weird. I see where you were going with certain details, and I like the ideas you were trying to use, but some things fell off in execution.

As I've stated before, I have significant issue with "soap opera" twists - (previously unknown) evil twins, contrived misunderstandings due to the absolute worst possible timing, freak accidents. They CAN work well, but, far too often, they smack of lazy writing - a hook to keep audiences interested on a deadline. They tend to come off as cheap emotional tricks to manipulate the audience into easy feels and double as a convenient deus ex machina - when placed in extremis, people can act out of character, allowing the writer to bend the rules of their personalities to "cut the Gordian knot," as it were. Additionally, random freak accidents like this upend the "cause-and-effect" relationship of a narrative. To grossly simplify things, we have "Hisao betrays Shizune > Shizune gives up on the relationship > Hisao and Misha grow closer together > Inspired by Hisao, Misha determines to convince Shizune to not give up on her friends > Shizune remains adamant, but Misha is ever persistent > freak accident causes Misha to get hit by a car > Reconciliation."

Which leads us to Hisao's characterization.

With a car accident as a catalyst for the primary conflict, you push Hisao into the "dangerously unbalanced" category. In all honesty, Bad End Hisao was only a tiny step away from "I think I'll stalk Shizune, get her alone, and rape her. That'll teach her a lesson." I hope I don't have to explain why that's a problematic approach. I'm not saying that it's inherently bad to break someone down to the point where they justify monstrous actions like that, but it's sloppy when it's due to random trauma, as opposed to a steady gradual process with key milestones along the way.

In the good end, he's not so much psychotic as he is, well, pathetic. It's better executed here, and generally works, but I don't like how his desperate "rat-in-a-cage" demeanor can again be traced back to this one traumatic event.

And, like everything else, there are some awkward wordings, questionable turns of phrase, and similar issues that can be distracting, but don't really ruin the story.

Also, "Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!" wasn't around until 2010, when the story is supposed to take place in 2007 (although some have argued that it can be in 2012). :p

I could go on, but things generally just become nitpicky from here on out.

Overall, though, you did a good job. I take significant issue with some of your artistic choices, and I feel they hurt the overall product, but they aren't "wrong" per se. On balance, I enjoyed the read, and spend a significant portion of my (limited) free time to read through it and provide feedback.

If this is all the KS work you'll be doing, godspeed, and I wish you well on your travels. If you plan to stick around and write some more, welcome to the community and enjoy your stay.
Current Project: Misha Pseudo-Route

Discord ID: ProfAllister#9754

pip25
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:48 pm

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by pip25 » Fri Jun 07, 2013 4:13 pm

Again, thank you very much for the feedback. :D
Catharsis wrote:This is really, really good. I wish you were going to do more KS-related stuff. :(
Thanks! While I don't have any immediate plans, that doesn't rule out more KS fics completely later on, if I find the time. We shall see. :)
Bagheera wrote:Fantastic story. I love stories that salvage bad ends, but this one is up with the two post-neutral end Rin stories in terms of quality (a very tough bar to meet. It felt like a natural continuation of Shizune's route both in terms of writing style and themes and it managed to consume me utterly for a whole day. So kudos for that!

Also, thank you for finishing the story before posting it. Too many stories go unfinished around here, and while I don't mind one whit when authors work at their own pace I do get irked when promising stories wind up getting abandoned because the author loses interest.
Thank you! :) I strive to publish only things that can manage to stand on their own at least to some extent, even if they're just chapters in a multi-part story (which of course isn't the case here). That said, this fanfic took 7 months to write and is possibly to largest piece of text I ever released at once... O_o
Thank goodness (and the devs of course) that Katawa Shoujo has such draw and depth to it that it pushed me to keep going until the end. :)
ProfAllister wrote:Characterwise, Misha was consistent, if not the interpretation I'd use. You did a good job of largely sticking to canon, while taking a couple (conservative) liberties.
I'm not so sure about Shizune. While parts of her actions seemed spot-on, I just don't think I can agree that she'd act that way post-bad end. It's simply inconsistent with my interpretation of her character.
It's interesting that you call it "conservative", because I thought I was actually taking a significant departure from the interpretation used by the majority of fans. From what I've read so far (although more character analysis than fanfics), most people are of the opinion that Misha's cheerfulness is largely fake, a "mask" if you will, which I tried going against here. Then again, maybe I was wrong, because no one really seemed to notice. I should read more fics and less blogs, I suppose. ;)
Shizune... that's hard to say. Frankly, her change of mood in the bad ending storyline itself is so sudden and unexpected, it's almost impossible to pin down the exact cause or her exact thought processes behind it. I came up with my own interpretation, but radically different ones can also be constructed which would fit just as well to the known canon events. I will admit though that I don't think I had the opportunity to properly replicate her "speech" patterns in retrospect; she had too little story-time compared to her relatively difficult-to-pin-down personality. I don't even dare to count how many times I made her sign "of course" over and over... XD (I feel I had similar problems with Lilly.)
In Shizune's arc (i.e., including Act 1), Rin plays a tiny role. Specifically, she's introduced, then disappears. While Hisao could have potentially spent time off-screen with Rin, I find that doubtful. So when Hisao goes to the girls' dorms, we have Rin literally(!) risking her neck for the sake of a cute boy in another class that she met several months ago because... reasons? Even for Rin, that's a bit of a stretch. Similarly, Emi's abandoned so suddenly that you can literally have Hisao stand her up with absolutely no repercussions, as she falls off the face of the earth. While the two of them were reasonably well-written, their presence feels forced.
While I did intentionally deviate from the Shizune route's narrative style in this aspect, I don't believe it was forced - let me explain why.
One thing that disappointed me in Shizune's route was the lack of the rest of the main cast; Lilly did appear a few times, but Hanako had just one scene, and Emi and Rin were missing entirely. In contrast, the other routes, while also largely focusing on the chosen heroine of course, almost always had Shizune and Misha there to some extent. I believe this is completely natural: given Shizune's passion for the Student Council, she has to interact with her fellow students on a daily basis because of her duties - and if Hisao becomes part of the council, the same will be true to him as well, perhaps even more so. Regrettably, the route only showed us a small glimpse of this aspect of the council's work (in Hanako's scene). When it comes to hints, however, it did provide a few: for instance, when talking to Hideaki about the students at Yamaku, Hisao describes all main heroines one after the other; I think it's reasonable to assume that he isn't basing all that merely on the events of a single week in Act One.
Of course, the question of whether Rin would have done something like that for Hisao's sake even with the above taken into account - that's indeed debatable. Rin being Rin, for me it didn't feel completely impossible, but I can certainly understand if you disagree.
As I've stated before, I have significant issue with "soap opera" twists - (previously unknown) evil twins, contrived misunderstandings due to the absolute worst possible timing, freak accidents. (...) I'm not saying that it's inherently bad to break someone down to the point where they justify monstrous actions like that, but it's sloppy when it's due to random trauma, as opposed to a steady gradual process with key milestones along the way.

In the good end, he's not so much psychotic as he is, well, pathetic. It's better executed here, and generally works, but I don't like how his desperate "rat-in-a-cage" demeanor can again be traced back to this one traumatic event.
I have no defense against the soap opera twist. XD I was inspired by the beta storyline where Misha also gets hit by a car (although the whole situation is quite different), but it might easily come across as cheesy regardless.
That said, my intention was to make Hisao's descent into the "dangerously unbalanced" category gradual, with the accident only serving as something that hastens a process which might have occurred by itself anyway - not the sole reason of him snapping. As Hisao himself admits in the good end, his issues had more to do with his inability to cope with losing Shizune than anything else. Chapters 2 and 5 in particular were supposed to highlight this gradual change in his mentality, with other hints also dropped here and there. Of course, if the end result wasn't apparent enough, then my intentions are somewhat irrelevant, so...
Also, "Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!" wasn't around until 2010, when the story is supposed to take place in 2007 (although some have argued that it can be in 2012). :p
Good catch! :) It's actually not the only anachronistic element: while Guitar Hero games were already a hit in 2007, the versions which let you play a full band with drums and the microphone weren't available until the end of the year - and arrived to Japan even later. I did do my research, but in the end I felt that it won't hurt to "cheat" a little for the sake of the plot (or even a cool idea). ;) I did observe the calendar, though, which is why Misha's birthday was placed on Thursday.
Overall, though, you did a good job. I take significant issue with some of your artistic choices, and I feel they hurt the overall product, but they aren't "wrong" per se. On balance, I enjoyed the read, and spend a significant portion of my (limited) free time to read through it and provide feedback.
If this is all the KS work you'll be doing, godspeed, and I wish you well on your travels. If you plan to stick around and write some more, welcome to the community and enjoy your stay.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write all this, I truly appreciate it. I look forward to reading your own Misha route in the near future. :)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6024
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Blame (Post-Shizune Bad End Misha route) (Complete)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jun 07, 2013 5:03 pm

I was inspired by the beta storyline where Misha also gets hit by a car
There was no such storyline in the beta.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply