thanks!Draganada wrote:I really like your Hisao more than anything else. That's not to say I'm not enjoying reading Ritsu as well. Will definitely read this to the end!
thanks!Hoitash wrote:Well, that was an intriguing read. Very nice
thank you!13loop wrote:Well that was an eventful afternoon. I'm liking Ritsu so far. Looking forward to the next chapter!
shhhh... i don't know yet. i definitely need to explode out of this "hisao+ritsu" only kind of thing, but i'm not sure to do it with totally new characters, some k-on characters, or some pre-existing ones. i'll definitely introduce them in the next chapter or the chapter after that, so i guess both you and i will find out soon.DanjaDoom wrote:Aww yiss, new chapter. I'm really liking this! Will you be introducing more characters into this, out of curiosity? Perhaps some of Ritsu's "club friends?"
dogs... i know what you're saying. yes, and no. i struggled a lot with finding a credible nucleus for this chapter. as for the 911 dispatch thing, where i live, there are animal ambulances and they are dispatched in case of emergency.nemz wrote:This chapter... I don't get it, man. I mean I like dogs but come on, this is ridiculous.
Hisao tries to get himself killed to help some random dog that's been hit? Dude, heart condition on top of the whole running into traffic thing. And ditching class for this adventure? Nurse should chew his ass ragged.
Would a 911 dispatcher actually do anything for an animal injury, seriously? Maybe give you a number for a vet (or more likely transfer you to some other non-emergency office who might do so), but sending an ambulance for an injured dog is highly doubtful. You might even get a fine in some places for doing that.
Also by claiming the dog (doesn't it have tags?) they just signed up for a very large vet bill regardless of if the pooch makes it. And an ambulance ride... that shit ain't cheap, yo.
as for hisao jumping over the fence and both ritsu and hisao agreeing to claim the dog, it is true that both hisao placed himself in danger and hisao and ritsu have agreed to shoulder a large cost.
it sort of just spelled itself out on my keyboard. i thought it was a good way to show ritsu and hisao's character. what kind of person would hisao be if he let a dog die for financial reasons? the same as well for ritsu. this was the kind of aspect i wanted to highlight in both of their personalities--making the right decision, regardless of the cost.
i knew someone was going to nail me for the 911 thing... thanks. they do exist where i live, but you're correct in the sense that they're not true ambulances, more like modified vans.Mirage_GSM wrote:I don't know whom Ritsu would get on the phone by calling 911, but it wouldn't be emergency services. The number for that in Japan is 119.
Also, while the concept of an animal amublance is interesting and a nice plot device for your story, I don't think there's any country tha actually has such a thing. Most things that came up when googling the term were either animal clinics or glorified mobile vets.
Doesn't hurt your story, though. I can suspend my disbelief that much.
Blackwaltz! I've missed your eagle eyes. thanks for your first post and this one. i did miss your reply in /ksg, so thanks for posting it here. you always manage to catch what i miss.BlackWaltzTheThird wrote: Agreed.
Since you probably didn't see it in the /ksg/ thread, I'll repost my response from there. Some things have already been addressed by other members.
>neat, well, lit side street.
>"W-well, n-o, I was just trying to make conversation" I finish sheepishly.
"W-well, n-no, I was..." <short prose about regaining his composure> "I was just trying to make conversation..." I finish sheepishly.
>I come here on nice days, but there's also a big orange one--
Call-sideways to Saki Route? Heh.
>but never to sit down."
>"Now when I think about it
Either drop the closing quote on the first paragraph or put in some prose, or else it looks like a change in speaker.
>There's nothing too special outside the this acfe.
Cafe. And you should use é instead of e.
>like it's my fucking day job.
Probably don't need the expletive. Elsewhere, too.
>I called 911. They sent an animal ambulance. They'll be here soon.
Do your research, son. This wouldn't even make sense in the US.
>Well, someone's got to...put him to sleep.
Definitely do your research. I don't think they'd just let them take the dog just like that.
thanks! the dog thing does have a purpose, it'll unfold in its own time.Sperance wrote:What the others said. Still, I can ignore some of the problems given that you seem to have had a reason for the dog thing. And I agree with Ritsu, choices are important
[/quote]ProfAllister wrote:Hate to pile on, but there are a lot of believability issues with the whole dog scene. To wit - the time between Ritsu seeing what was happening, informing Hisao of such, Hisao turning around, and the impact stretches credulity; and while I may be willing to suspend disbelief on Hisao's spur-of-the-moment heroics, his bitterness and anger at the rest of the world seems a bit much, especially when comparing his use of language here to his angry scenes from the VN. I also feel the whole decision to go on a trip to the city was a bit out of nowhere.
Those issues aside, I'm concerned about the scene much more from the standpoint of narrative logistics. A kinetic scene like this is very dangerous in a slice-of-life VN. It's going to be very hard to return to mundane concerns about what to have for lunch and whether you studied enough for a test. It can get addictive, too. Since the kinetic scenes are so much more exciting, you may decide to have ninjas spontaneously attack in the middle of one of Mutou's lectures. Before you know it, you'll have the girls performing a fusion dance to combine into the Seven-Spoke MegaKatawa so they can smash the moon before Nomiya's psychic space-mercenaries activate the mind-control device. That's not really a BAD story per se, but it kind of loses the point somewhere along the way.
More seriously, it's a foundation of sand - both for the narrative and, in-story, for Hisao and Ritsu's relationship. They're thrown together by a relatively bizarre circumstance in a very emotional situation, so things seem to develop quickly. Without a solid basis, though, it can all come crashing down. After this whole episode's over, Hisao doesn't really have a compelling reason to spend more time with Ritsu. At the very least, I doubt there will be much more than the (perfectly workable) "I kind alike her and there's nothing better to do" that characterized their association prior to this city trip.
It can work, but it's a really dangerous narrative tool. And, personally, I don't think it's the best approach. If you disagree, more power to you, and I sincerely hope you manage to pull it off. Either way, this story certainly has the potential to go interesting places, so we'll see what will come of it.
Also, somewhat unrelated, you might want to try using a little more word variation. It became distracting how often the word "braces" came up. Especially considering that a lot of people have a much stronger mental association between that word and orthodontics (or suspenders) than they do for the wrist braces you're talking about. She still has hands, after all - even if they are constrained.
addressing your first point, i don't think the credibility thing is that much of an issue, but i can see where you're coming from. i made a deliberate attempt not to model my hisao on the ks hisao. ks hisao is, for lack of a better term, incredibly vanilla. i wanted to give him some real heft as a character. i want him to be unreasonable, angry, bitter, happy, whatever. the city thing was out of nowhere, yes.
for your second and third paragraphs, i completely agree with you. yes, the scene was a kinetic one, and they're incredibly addictive and sort of screw other things up. and its a shitty foundation for their relationship.
for this one, i had a completely conventional act written up. but the more i looked at it, the more i felt unhappy. i felt like when i was writing ks fanfic i had to follow a set formula; library, shanghai, student council, you get the idea. and even if not, i just wanted to shake things up a bit. what i had before (i think) advanced the original sweet manic relationship between hisao and ritsu.
but when i kept looking at it, what really makes hisao hang out with ritsu? the fact that she's sweet, somewhat mysteriously lonely, and kinda cute? i wanted to add a little more. i think you're right in that i sort of put myself on a cliff, but it just felt more substantive. they've got more in common now than an affinity for hills and powerbars. it felt like this was the way it was supposed to go. i mean, what are the odds of hisao having cardiac arrythmia? going to yamaku? it's always a roll of the dice, and i wanted to roll double sixes for once. i think you're right in that i'll regret it in the future, but maybe i can pull something magical then.
and yeah, i do need to find another word for braces. wrist-planks? time to go find a medical thesaurus.
once again, thanks so much to everyone who replied. it means a ton to me that people care enough to read my stuff and care enough to point out things i've messed up.