A Ritsu Route (Updated 12/26)

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SemisoftCheese
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A Ritsu Route (Updated 12/26)

Post by SemisoftCheese » Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:57 pm

who's a character who hasn't been used yet.... taro... no.... natsume... no.... molly... used already... miki... miki route curse... ritsu... ritsu... ritsu!

Who's Ritsu?
Ritsu Tainaka is originally a character from the anime K-ON, included in the class 3-3 as a cameo with Lelouch Lamperouge of Code Geass. Although I have seen a fair bit of the anime, I chose to make her a completely new character, the only pre-existing condition was her disability, carpal tunnel syndrome. Besides the official class 3-3 picture, she probably looks like this (thanks to Scissorlips for the pics).

Will you be putting any stuff from K-ON in this route?
I decided pretty early that I didn't want to write a cross-over, because it really constrains you in terms of what you can do with your character and it's a pain to write. I don't really know if I'll stick to that plan, but for now, she's totally original.

Also because it was such a damn good idea, I put the song(s) that served as inspiration at the bottom of each act.

A Ritsu Route

Act 1: Qualifier

Sovereign Light Cafe
-You can run away boy, but you can't get far.

First Service
-A good first serve has just the right amount of power--enough to be agressive, but not enough to miss.

Alive
-You know what it feels like when you're dancing blind.

Closing Time
-I know who I want to take me home.

Act 2: Futures

Costume Party
-You're too young, you're never going to know what hit me

Out Getting Ribs
-What matters are words in love

Pretty Girls
-Sunshine in the air, perfume everywhere

Speed
-Because in a split second, it's gone

Rabbit Run
-If I have half a chance, I'll grab it

Dreaming with a Broken Heart
-The waking up is the hardest part

Chapter Four:

Act 3: "Challenger"

Chapter One:

Chapter Two:

Chapter Three:

Chapter Four"



Act Four: "Masters"


Chapter One:

Chapter Two:

Chapter Three:

Chapter Four:

Epilogue: Pompeii
-But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Thanks and Acknowledgements


Extras

Clair de Lune
-Ritsu and Hisao have a talk about death.
Last edited by SemisoftCheese on Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:04 am, edited 25 times in total.

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SemisoftCheese
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Sovereign Light Cafe

Post by SemisoftCheese » Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:58 pm

The King of Hearts is the suicide king. He holds a sword in each hand, drawn towards his head, as he prepares for the end. Time's run out, and it's his call to make.

An end of his own choosing.

I bet he's tired of being drawn out of the same pack every day to play the same old games. with 51 companions who are ignorant of their fates, the threes and the twos sitting idly by while he, the king, plays the top card in flushes and straights and pairs as people stake and loses fortunes on him.

He's tired. The wax on his front is rubbing off. It's not easy being king. He's done his best, and now he's ready to rest.

I stare at the card in front of me, a worn out red card from a battered red box. I slide him back in. Rest easy, King. You've done your part. You're ready to rest now.

In a way, I feel I am too.

Yamaku Academy for the disabled. It sort of rolls off the tongue, like another tired card out of the pack.

There's a nurse here, and an art teacher, and a science teacher, and girls, who I've met, and buildings and classrooms and desks. Just like any other school.

It's a school, for sure. No doubt about it. But it feels like the endgame in a video game, where you're given a semi-open world after completing it, for better or worse. You lost kid. You've got a bum heart. You're done, kid. Go explore.

I feel like this is all a dream. I'm going to wake up soon, and I'll be with my three old friends, and we'll go to the arcade and play soccer and I'll go on a date with Iwanako afterwards.

I won't have a heart problem, and I won't have to tiptoe around the fact I do.

And I won't be sitting on some fucking hill overlooking the Yamaku grounds during lunch hour, playing with a pack of cards while the wind rustles my hair.

I've done a lot here already. I've met Lilly and Emi and Rin and Shizune and Misha, I've had lunch with the "Student Council," engaged in an argument with Shizune, stupidly sided with Lilly, when I should have really just left the room, and then watched as Hanako and Lilly left for lunch while I stood like a dumbass.

So I decided to walk. It took me a while, but I'm on this hill overlooking the Yamaku grounds, after a brief hike through the woods. It feels good to be outside, the cool breeze rustling my white dress shirt, despite the fact that my heart could give out at any second.

So I'm here. At Yamaku. It seems like a bad dream. I want to wake up.

Of course, there's a girl who walked up the hill and sat down a little bit downwind from me. I think she's in my class too. Is she in a dream too?

I sigh. These kinds of questions get me no-where. I might as well ask the sky it isn't raining today.

I turn to focus on my companion, who I'm not sure is aware of my presence. To tell the truth, I haven't paid much attention to many of my classmates in 3-3 since I've gotten here, with the exception of the student council. I've been so swept up with meeting people and getting dragged back and forth that I've rarely had some time to my own to think and examine those around me.

She's got semi-short, shoulder length brown hair. She's sitting with her back towards me, a dark blue cardigan draped around her shoulders as she stares off into the grounds. A yellow hairband holds her hair back from her face as she hugs her knees to her chest, learning backwards against the curve of the hill.

The wind rustles her hair, but she doesn't move to fix it.

Her arms dangle loosely by her side, each wrapped in the kind of dark brace you get when you break your wrist--black, velcro, from the elbow down to the bottom of your palm. I guess she's got some some sort of wrist or bone problem--those things prevent you from using your wrists completely.

Her braces themselves are sort of interesting--they're the standard black polymer nylon ones you see in the store, but hers have a neat row of faded, sewn in pathces--like corporate sponsor logos.

I wonder what that means? Surely she's not advertising her wrists or anything. I guess I'll find out in due time.

Instead of the light shoulder bags all the girls (and guys) at our school favor, on the ground next to her is a black, heavy-duty north face backpack--the kind you see in the city. I guess she has a lot of stuff to carry, or she doesn't like shoulder bags.

I wonder what's she's doing here. This hill is sort of out of the way. Doesn't she have friends to eat lunch with? Better things to do than be here, Yamaku Academy for the disabled, with some kid with a bum heart?

Don't I have something---

I sigh. I wish I did.

I focus back on my companion. Maybe she's got the answers. All I've got is time.

She turns around and catches my eye. Her eyes are a mixed brown-green, almost a almond gold in the sunlight. She gives me a small smile and beckons me over, the gesture made somewhat awkward by her having to use her entire arm, instead of just her hand.

I shoulder my bag and move down to sit next to her. If this is a dream, I don't think there's any harm in making friends.

I step down the hill, careful not to trip, and settle down next to her, the grass making waving patterns at me feet.

I sit down next to her, as the wind rustles my hair and shirt on a picture-perfect, blue sky day, with all of Yamaku spread before us.

She looks at me, her hair rustling as always, on her lips a small, contemplative, smile.

"So, you're Hisao Nakai."

"Yup, that's me." I wait for her to extend a hand or at least make a sentiment of greeting, but she returns to staring over the Yamaku grounds. After five or so seconds, she returns her almond-gold gaze to me, another question loading from the magazine.

"I'm Ritsu. Ritsu Tainaka."

I give her a polite bow of greeting, nodding my head. I think extending my hand would be rude.

She fires the question, her gaze steady and calm on me, the contemplative smile still sitting on her lips as her hair dances in the wind.

"Well, Hisao, what brings you to my hill?"

That's an interesting question. Given the smile on her lips, I don't think she's offended, but I guess no-one really walks this far out of the grounds.

"I uh… it was lunch… and I just kept walking." I finish lamely.

She stretches her arms into the air, giving a slight yawn of relaxation as she does so, and settles back down, her gaze drifting from the sky to her braces to me.

"Didn't you want to have lunch?"

"I.. uh.."

I guess I'd better tell the truth.

"I.. uh.. to be honest, I didn't have anyone to eat it with, so decided to go exploring."

She gives me a warm, earnest smile, clearly understanding my plight.

"New kid, huh? Well, Hisao, next time you can eat lunch with me."

She looks at me for a moment, then reaches over to her North Face bag. Wincing slightly as she uses her hands to tug open the zipper, she dips her hand inside and comes out with a brightly colored rectangle, which she tosses to me.

I catch it, more out of surprise than anything, and look at the wrapper. Powerbar triple-threat. Caramel, Chocolate, and… something with peanuts. It's got 17 grams of protein. I guess it's a substitute for lunch.

I open my mouth to thank Ritsu, but she's lost interest, picking at a string on her cardigan. As I move to opening the bar, her eyes sweep back to me, apparently reminding her that there's a person besides her.

"Ever have a powerbar before?"

Actually, I haven't. I've drank my fair share of energy drinks, but I never got into the food-part.

"Actually, no, I haven't. It looks really good though. Thanks."

She gives me a nod, acknowledging my statement before continuing.

"A lot of athletes use them. They're light and easy to throw in your bag, and they're heavy enough to substitute for a meal, but not heavy enough to weigh you down."

She makes a gesture with her hand at the end, an up-and-down that probably signifies "heavy."

I break off a piece of my power bar and offer it to her. I suppose if I'm stealing her lunch, it's only fair if I offer some back.

"Want some power bar, then?"

The sentiment is kind of awkward, but hopefully she gets the meaning behind it.

She gives me a bright smile, the kind you get in saturday matinees at the movies, and I feel like I've done the right thing. For once.

She gives a small, gentle laugh, as she tugs her bag over, wincing again at having to use her wrists.

"No thanks, Hisao. I think I've had enough power bars in my lifetime." She gives a small smile again at her own private joke.

She opens the middle compartment of her bag, and sure enough, there's around twenty or so power bars thrown in there, not to mention thirty or so wrappers. I guess this is what she does for lunch.

"Do you normally eat these for lunch?"

She makes a wry face, settling her bag down as she does.

"More or less. I used to eat these for convenience, but now they're sort of just to keep the hunger away. I don't really want to go into the cafeteria and fight the masses, and preparing a lunch is a pain, so I just pack these. Normally I head into town in the afternoons during club time and get some proper food."

Town. I actually haven't been down into town yet, but I'm sure I will soon for groceries or whatever.

Still, that's a lot of powerbars. Well, I guess she never forgets her lunch.

I take a bite of the power bar. It's not that bad--pretty chocolately, and sweet, with another cloying taste I can't identify--probably the protein. Still, not that bad. Certainly filling.

Ritsu's gone back to picking at her cardigan, bored with the situation at hand. I guess I'll try and make some conversation.

"Do you always come up here for lunch?"

She looks at me again, her wrists lying idle in her lap.

"Sorta. When I'm tired, I just head back to my room to take a nap, but sometimes I come out here and enjoy the view. It's not a bad place to be."

With this kind of view, it certainly isn't. She turns her body towards me, leaning her back on her backpack as she faces me full on, a semi-interested look in her eyes.

"So, Hisao, what's your story? Where'ya from?"

I wonder where her sudden display of interest comes from, but I'm not one to question it.

"I used to live in the city, but then I transferred schools and came here."

That's the super-thin version. The super-super-super thin version.

She looks at me, a calm look in her eyes. I can tell she knows I'm dodging the question, but she doesn't want to pry. No-one here does. It's sort of a right almost you have--to your own story--you can tell whatever version you want to tell here.

I give a sigh. What am I hiding from anyway? Myself? My past?

"Well, the truth is, I used to live in Tokyo, but then I had a heart problem… and I had to go here."

I check myself.

"Not that going here is bad or anything… it's a great place and all…"

I look down, placing the half-eaten bar in my lap as I look back at her.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just miss my friends and my old life."

She nods understandingly, uncrossing her wrists as she looks out at the grounds.

"I hear you, Hisao."

I expect her to tell her story, but she remains silent, fixated on a point on in the sky, staring at something.

Maybe she remembers, too.

I look at my watch. It's ten minutes until the start of class. We should probably head back.

I move to get up, shouldering my bag.

"Hey, Ritsu, it's almost time for class. Want to walk back?"

She looks at me, a calm stare in her almond gold glaze.

She moves to get up, rolling her bag so the straps are face up. She carefully slips her entire arm through the strap of the bag, placing her weight on her shoulder, before standing up and lifting the bag. I guess that way, she doesn't place any weight on her wrist.

"I don't think so Hisao. I'm not really in the mood. I think I'll probably go into town. Want to come?"

The last part isn't said in a flirtatious manner or anything--not even an invitation. It's absolute, like a fact.

I could go into town. I wouldn't mind a guide, and I don't really want to head back to class either.

But it seems like Ritsu's got something on her mind, and I don't really want to get into the middle of it. I've got enough on my plate, anyhow.

Maybe we can do it some other time.

"I sort of have to head back because Mutou wants my head, but maybe we can go together this afternoon?"

I say the last part with a smile. Maybe she'll pick up the date.

She gives a gentle laugh.

"Is that a proposition for a date, Hisao? Hisao Nakai, the master of romance? Just met a girl and already asking her on a date?"

Her voice has taken on a playful tone. It's the most animated I've seen her in the entire conversation.

I blush. I didn't think she'd tease me that deeply.

"Well, Hisao, I think I'm all booked, but I'll take a rain check on that date of yours."

She gives me a weak smile, understanding my plight, but I guess she's either really booked or she doesn't want to clear up her schedule for me.

"I guess I'll see you around then."

"Later, Nakai."

She turns to walk down the hill towards town, and I turn the other way back towards the grounds.

Maybe it wasn't the smartest to turn town the chance to have lunch with a pretty girl to sit in Mutou's class and watch him drone on.

Then again, if she was really interested, wouldn't she have taken my invitation and set up a date for some other time?

I guess I'm over thinking the issue. I'll find out soon enough.

As I hurry across the grounds to the main building, the words keep echoing through my head.

"I'll take a rain check on that date of yours."

I can wait, I think.

I'm not ready to go back in the pack just yet.

=============
Next

"Sovereign Light Cafe" (Afrojack Remix) is a song by Keane
Last edited by SemisoftCheese on Sun May 05, 2013 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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mindtrapdragon
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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by mindtrapdragon » Mon Apr 29, 2013 2:17 pm

Well I think this is the first route that I will have read that was not already partially written.

Also
I might as well ask the sky it isn't raining today.
That is all I caught, so good luck have fun.

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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by Guestimate » Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:35 pm

Hm. Interesting. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

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nemz
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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by nemz » Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:59 pm

I don't hate it. Remains to be seen if I actually like it, however.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by LorSquirrel » Mon Apr 29, 2013 4:15 pm

Interesting
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carrion_crow
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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by carrion_crow » Thu May 02, 2013 2:16 pm

hmmm.....going to wait for more before i monitor consistently lol
Akira=Miki>Lily>Emi>Rin>Hanako...........and shizune I guess

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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by Sperance » Thu May 02, 2013 3:55 pm

Going to keep an eye out for this, seems interesting

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SemisoftCheese
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First Service

Post by SemisoftCheese » Sun May 05, 2013 2:33 pm

It's been a few days since I sat down with Ritsu on the hill. Not much has passed since then.

I had lunch with Misha and Shizune again, then with Lilly and Hanako, and I went up to the hill yesterday, but Ritsu wasn't there.

I guess I'm just lonely for company. Everyone I meet I end up comparing to my old friends.

Emi's laugh reminds me a bit of Shin's dry chuckle. And Rin's silent, green gaze reminds me of Mai whenever we played too many video games at the arcade and she was starting to zone out.

I haven't seen them in six months now. They've probably forgotten all about me, or they would have written, or visited, or something.

Mutou's drone continues on in the background. Anes, alkanes, and -ols. Everything you don't need to know, in one convenient lecture.

I guess to be fair, our friendship was never anything serious. Yes, we were there for each other, but it was always superficial at best. The largest conflict we ever had was Takumi's constant loss of his wallet and one of us having to cover for him. There wasn't ever a major disaster where we had to band together, or help one member of the group out.

We were just kids. That's all.

The girl in a desk to the front and right of me has messy bangs with a yellow hairband pulling them back from her face. Her laptop is propped at a slight angle on her desk, revealing lines of text scrolling themselves neatly across the screen.

This wouldn't be strange, except for the fact that Ritsu's laptop is a shiny, silver Macbook Pro--far beyond what most students could afford. The other strange fact is that her notes seem to be taking themselves--her arms remain crossed loosely across her chest as she stares into space.

I guess the administration, because of her wrist condition, lets her use a text-to-speech program to take notes in class.

I'm a little jealous of the fact that she gets to use her computer in class, but I'd probably get distracted anyway.

Ritsu's wrist braces carry the same worn-out, faded white patches on them, neatly aligned squares. The neat, faded silk contrasts sharply with the black, utilitarian nylon of her braces.

A bored expression on her face, she turns and surveys the classroom. She locks eyes with me, and gives a slight tilt of her head towards Mutou, a bemused smirk on her face.

I can almost hear her voice in my head.

"Get a load of this guy."

I give her an apologetic smile, and she winks at me, a bemused smile on her face as she faces front again.

Speaking of which, I never got the opportunity to take up Ritsu's offer of lunch/dinner/a meal on the town.

Something tells me that it was more of a casual invitation, one that exists simply for politeness' sake, but she seems a like the kind of person who would be an excellent guide.

I look towards the window. It's a nice day outside. Maybe I'll spend time on the hill again. Even without Ritsu there, it's not a bad place to be.

I look back at Ritsu. She's opened a web browser on her computer and started looking at dresses online.

Well, a human being can only hold out for so long.

Mutou's voice knocks me out of my thoughts.

"Nakai, how many carbons in a pentane molecule?"

That's not too hard. Pent=five. The -ane suffix has to do with the hydrogens, I'm pretty sure.

"Five."

"Nice work, Nakai."

Having satisfied the beast, I go back to my previous task in morning class at Yamaku--doing absolutely nothing.

==========

Lunchtime finally rolls around, and during the rest of Mutou's rambling lecture, I've finalized my plans.

I think I'm going to go take a nap on the hill. I stayed up pretty late finishing a book last night, and I'm pretty spent. A nap under the sun would do me some good.

I leisurely place my books in the desk as the students, followed by an ever-haggard looking Mutou, file out of the classroom in search of comestibles and entertainment. The two ever-present human desires. And, well, sex. But I doubt anyone's looking for that on a school lunch break.

A metallic tapping sound fills my ears, and I turn around. Ritsu's sitting at her desk, tapping away at the keyboard. I guess she's either buying a dress, or saving her notes.

Either way, she finishes in a few seconds and closes her laptop shut.

I finish packing books in my desk, then grab my bag and throw it on my shoulder.

It's time to greet Mr. Sandman.

As I look back at Ritsu, something's weird happening with her laptop.

She's managed to get her backpack propped open on her chair, but she's having a tough time gripping her laptop. It looks like her braces cover the entirety of her palm to immobilize her wrists completely, and as a result, she can't close her fingers completely to grip the laptop and drop it into her bag. As of now, she's trying to use her fingertips to hold the laptop like a waiter's tray, and then slide it into her huge backpack.

Well, I guess I should help her out. At least that would pay her back for giving me lunch the first day.

"Here, let me help."

I cross the room and lift her laptop, which is surprisingly heavy, into her dark heavy backprack.

"Thanks, Hisao."

"No problem."

She does the same routine from the hill--sliding her entire arm through the strap, up to her shoulder, before leveraging her torso and legs to lift it up on her back.

As she looks up at me, a small, amused smile makes its way to her mouth. I wonder why?

I walk to the door, holding it open for her to pass through, and she pauses, the same bemused grin on her face.

It's a slightly awkward scene--me holding the door open, as she leans casually on one of the front desks, eyeing me with a easy, golden gaze.

She wipes the grin from her face, looking at me slightly as she does so, as if making a decision and coming through it. She passes through the door and I follow her, closing it quietly behind me.

It's an even more slightly awkward scene--Ritsu walking down the hallway in front of me, while I trail behind, not wanting to start an even more awkward conversation.

I guess she was going to eat lunch with me... or not. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

I wouldn't want to be caught eating lunch with the new kid either.

Sigh.

Well, she said that she normally likes to eat alone. I guess the best thing to do here is not take it personally. I doubt she's intentionally thinking about leaving me in the dust, or otherwise she wouldn't have reached out on the hill a few days ago.

Blegh. Thinking about this is only making me more depressed. Maybe the nap will perk me up.

Ahead of me, Ritsu stops, and does a perfect 180.

Maybe she forgot something in the classroom?

She crosses her arms and looks at me lazily, a amused, small, smirk making it's way to her mouth.

She opens her mouth to speak, brushing her bangs from her face.

"Hisao, what are your plans for lunch today?"

Dami-fu--play it cool, Hisao, play it cool. Don't let her know your plan is to have no friends and take a nap on the hill.

"Nothing special. Why do you ask?"

The grin on her face gets bigger as her body posture relaxes, clearly in control of the conversation. She moves to the side of the hallway and leans on a locker, crossing her legs as she does so.

"Well, normally, Hisao, when people go to lunch they go with some friends to eat with them. You, however, are alone. Do you have some friends waiting for you in the lunchroom? Or do you have other plans for lunch?", she asks in a teasing tone.

Her smirk is impossibly large--like the Chesire Cat's--but it's not mean spirited in any way. She's getting at something, but I'm not sure what.

"I…"

Well, honesty is always the best policy.

"I actually don't have any plans for lunch. I was going to take a nap on that hill" I finish lamely.

I point at the window for emphasis, a warm blush rising to my face. The gesture is more to give me something to do, instead of watching at her flash that spotlight of a grin at me.

The smirk disappears from her face as she flashes me a warm, apologetic, smile. She shrugs her backpack higher on her shoulders as she tilts her head to the side slightly.

"Still the new kid, huh, Hisao?"

I give her a slight nod, more heat rushing to my cheeks.

"Unfortunately, yes…"

She smiles warmly again before crossing her braces again in a semi-smooth motion, stopping at the last second as she stares at her nylon-clad arms. It's a momentary stop, but enough to remind her, and I guess me, that there are things we used to do, but we can't anymore.

The moment's fleeting, though, and the smile returns to her face as fast as it left.

She looks at me, her arms still relaxed in the same gesture.

"Well, Hisao, it's settled then."

"What's settled?"

She gets off the locker and pushes past me, using her forearm to corral me down the hallway.

"We're going into town."

Well, I'm pleased at this turn of events, but it's a Thursday. Don't we have class?

"Don't we have class? It's a Thursday."

She turns around mid-strike, her previously fast pace down the hallway halted mid-step.

She rolls her eyes at me, again shrugging her backpack higher on her shoulders.

"Come on, Hisao, are you the kind of guy who asks a girl out to town, and then backs out when she actually accepts?"

Well, when you put it that way….

"No… it's just… won't we get into…"

"They don't care. Come on."

She corrals me again with her forearm, brushing past me briefly as she pushes me gently towards the stairs.

With a shrug of my own, I start following the yellow-banded, brown-haired figure in front of me as she strolls down the hallway towards the stairs, a massive black backpack hiked up on her shoulders and her wrists dangling by her sides, a strange rhythm and purpose to her step.

I give a small smile.

I guess I'm not that kind of guy after all.

==========
Previous I Next

"Don't You Worry Child" is a song by Swedish House Mafia
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SemisoftCheese
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Re: A Ritsu Route

Post by SemisoftCheese » Sun May 05, 2013 2:41 pm

mindtrapdragon wrote:Well I think this is the first route that I will have read that was not already partially written.

That is all I caught, so good luck have fun.
haha, gotcha

As to everyone who replied, thanks for reading! I'll try and have the next chapter up pretty soon.

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Re: A Ritsu Route (Updated 5/5)

Post by forgetmenot » Sun May 05, 2013 3:03 pm

Two things:
A bored expression on her face, she turns and surveys the classroom. She locks eyes with me, and gives a slight tilt of her head towards Mutou, a bemused smirk on her face.
I give her an apologetic smile, and she winks at me, a bemused smile on her face as she faces front again.
I walk to the door, holding it open for her to pass through, and she pauses, the same bemused grin on her face.
It's a slightly awkward scene--me holding the door open, as she leans casually on one of the front desks, eyeing me with a bemused, golden gaze.
Bemused means puzzled or confused. I know a lot of people get it confused with something similar to amused, which is why I tend to steer away from it. It's a weird word anyhow. Glossing over the fact that you used it twice in consecutive lines. :roll:
"Thanks, Hisao."
"Hisao, what are your plans for lunch today?"
"Well, normally, Hisao, when people go to lunch they go with some friends to eat with them. You, however, are alone. Do you have some friends waiting for you in the lunchroom? Or do you have other plans for lunch?", she asks in a teasing tone.
"Hisao et cetera,"
I don't know of anyone that says someone's name so much when they talk to them. It sounds awkward in conversation and it reads a little funny as well.

These are just small suggestions. Far be it from me for us to switch positions and me edit your stuff. :lol: Other than that, it's a pretty solid chapter. Definitely a setup for Ritsu and Hisao's lunch on the town. I'm excited to see what you'll do when this gets into full swing - I know it can be a little tiresome setting up for the good stuff. Keep at it!

Oh one more typo-related thing:
Maybe she forgot something in the classroom>
Just to bring it to your attention.

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Re: A Ritsu Route (Updated 5/5)

Post by Comrade » Sun May 05, 2013 3:16 pm

This has an unusuall style of writing, not sure how I feel about it.
You repeated the phrase "slightly awkward scene" too many times (2) and it feels odd
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Re: A Ritsu Route (Updated 5/5)

Post by Sperance » Sun May 05, 2013 3:26 pm

This is looking pretty solid so far, and I have nothing to add to what the others said. Keep up the good work!

Also,
And, well, sex. But I doubt anyone's looking for that on a school lunch break.
Calling it now, Hisao and Ritsu end up having sex during lunch break further in the story, mark my words :lol:

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Re: A Ritsu Route (Updated 5/5)

Post by Hoitash » Sun May 05, 2013 3:35 pm

Well, this is shaping up nicely.

I can understand your desire to avoid a crossover, though as a big K-On!fan myself, I can see the traces of Ritsu's character in your rendition, which is nice, be it intentional or not.
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Re: A Ritsu Route (Updated 5/5)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun May 05, 2013 4:59 pm

in search of comestibles and entertainment. The two ever-present human desires. And, well, sex. But I doubt anyone's looking for that on a school lunch break.
I guess you could group the latter with "entertainment" ;-)
Either way, she finishes in a few seconds and closes her laptop shut.
Nitpick: "to close something shut" is a bit redundant...
or otherwise she wouldn't have reached out on the hill a few days ago.
Other than that a very good - though a bit short - chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
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