Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

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Mamen
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Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:29 am

Hello everyone, this is my first/second post on the katawa shoujo forums and its a fan fiction one. I was told to repost it here in the fan fiction section. I made this story while talking with one of my steam friends and he encouraged me to post it on the katawa shoujo forums. English isn't my native language so expect some grammatical errors here and there but bare with me:


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Hisao and lily both got high grades in there school years at yamaku. Both getting into the same college with lily deciding to became an english teacher and hisao a science teacher at yamaku.

*4 years pass, College Graduation*

Lily gets up on the stadium to accept her diploma swiftly but hisao takes his time as he soon gets on his knees and pulls out a wooden box from his coat pocket. Opening it up, everyone drops silent as a diamond ring twirls in the place where the ballerina used to be. Lily at first is confused when hearing the musical box play but then hisao dawns the question. "Lily Satou, Will you marry me?".


*3 years pass*

Lily and hisao now both live in the same apartment, both working at yamaku. Hisao currently a science teacher and lilly an English teacher.

"3 months to go, lilly", he said while rubbing her inflated midriff.

Lily nods with a small worried smile.

*2 month pass*

Lily is in her 8th month when things took a turn for the worst.

"Aghhh!", yelps Lily.

"What's wrong?", asked akira who is with her at home while hisao is at work.

"I think...my water broke.", mutters Lily.

Akira quickly gets lilly up and into her car. While driving to the hospital she calls on hisao to inform her that his wife is in labor. The moment hisao heard the News his face sunk, dropping the phone on the floor, he screams "Class dismissed" and quickly runs for his car. Face red, sweat pouring, heart pounding, he doesn't waste
time. He has to be there when the baby is born. Travelling at a speed of 150 kph not taking any notice to stop lights or speed limits, the inevitable happened.

Badum.

Badum.

Badum.

As hisao clenches his chest, he yelps in pain.

"No...Not now..."

He succumbs to his heart attack, quickly crashing his car.

He soon wakes up near his totalled car in his own pool of blood. His pain drowned in shock and remorse, the remorse of not being there for his babies birth. He cringes over from his heart attack as he hears the scream of people in the background calling for an ambulance. A voice from the background asks if he's all right.

"Lilly...I need to get to lilly", he mutters.

He crawls with the one hand he has that isn't broken. Pulling himself up, he notices the full effect of the horrible event. As he lays his back against his totalled car, he notices the one thing he never thought would happen. Akira's destroyed car meters away from his.

"LILLY!", he screamed.

Noticing the slight strands of blonde from the cars window, he tries to use what little strength he has to crawl to akira's car but to no avail. He soon blacks out.

*3 days later*

Hisao wakes up in a plain room. A room he's used to. A room he's spent such a short time in yet it seems he's been there for his entire life. As he looks around he notices how everything looks the same as the last time he was in a room like this. The inoffensive painting hanging at the wall, the soothing colour of the paint on the smudgeless wall. Everything in this rooms perfect. Not a dent. Nothing. It's perfect, too perfect. Realisation soon showed its ugly face.

"LILY", he yelps.

Remembering the events of the car crash. He sobs hysterically. Using what little strength he can, he removes the tubes connected to his face. Pushing himself off the bed, onto the cold floor. He screams in rage and agony. There was no shock this time to drown the pain. This time the pain was overwhelming, both physically and mentally. Nurses and docter's soon came in to try and settle him down. They were forced to use anaesthetics to get him to settle down.

*2 days later*

Hisao wakes up, not fully recovered from the anaesthetics. His entire body feels like lead, not able to even lift his pinky. He sees a doctor writing down something on his notepad just like the last time he was in this room. Gathering what little strength he had, he manages to utter 2 words.

"What....happened."

The doctor straightens his gaze to match hisaos. The doctors eyes filled with pity.

"WHAT HAPPENED", hisao screams.

"Where's lilly and akira..."

The doctors pitiful eyes soon turn into one of remorse and depression. The doctor knowing the effect it would do to hisaos health if he learned what happened and not willing to risk any further incidents, he tells him.

"Lilly and akira are both alive."

A False sense of happiness crawls onto hisaos face.

"for a second there I thought I killed them.", he said.

"But now that I know lilly and akira and my son are alive"

"then"

"then.."

"then that makes you the sickest liar in this world doctor."

"I killed them, didn't I."

"There dead because of this curse that's befallen me."

"arrhythmia"

"Such an alien word."

"Don't you think so too doctor?"

As he stares into hisaos face, all he saw was the face of a dead man. No emotions, no longer human. All the doctor saw when looking into hisao's soulless eyes was a valley of depression and pain. To have everything, to have loved someone, and have it all taken away from you not once but twice.

"I've lost everything", hisao said.

"Lilly....Akira....My son..."

As the realization that he's lost again to his disease breaks what little sanity was left in him. He doesn't sob nor weep nor shed a tear. He merely has that blank stare in his eyes, as if he was alone in this world. The doctor thinks its best to leave him alone. He bids his farwell and leaves.

Hisao closes his eyes and tries to fall into a deep slumber as he reaches out and tries to find anything on the desk next to him that will end his pain. Soon, his hand's caress something familiar. A wooden Box. He open's it and as he hears the music playing, he takes it no more. He wept and sobbed for hours on end until he asked himself...."How did the box get there?".

The doctor and the nurse soon bring in a bed with someone in it and another one after it. They tell him its best if they stay with him. He stares to his side, trying to figure out the image. His vision blurry, he reaches out to try and feel who it was. As he places his hand on Lily's soft face. He sobs hysterically for the longest time after seeing her sleeping there alive, he thought to himself.

"I won this time arrhythmia"

"You couldn't take away my life again."

As he's overjoyed he looks to his left and sees akiras figure. Tears rolling down his eyes, he finally falls into his slumber.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The doctor and nurse close the door behind them and leave. The nurse turns to the doctor.

"Are you sure it's ok to take those bodies from the morgue, doctor?", she asked.

As the doctors depressed face answers her question, they both walk through an open door as it closes behind them.


THE END

First fan fiction. I am open to criticism.

Silentcook
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Silentcook » Sat Apr 06, 2013 10:31 am

You have something that's neither quite script nor fiction format here. Fiction should be narrated, not summarized. For example:
Hisao and lily both got high grades in there school years at yamaku. Both getting into the same college with lily deciding to became an english teacher and hisao a science teacher at yamaku.

*4 years pass, College Graduation*
Never do this, particularly the *time passes and stuff happens* bit.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sat Apr 06, 2013 10:35 am

Silentcook wrote:You have something that's neither quite script nor fiction format here. Fiction should be narrated, not summarized. For example:
Hisao and lily both got high grades in there school years at yamaku. Both getting into the same college with lily deciding to became an english teacher and hisao a science teacher at yamaku.

*4 years pass, College Graduation*
Never do this, particularly the *time passes and stuff happens* bit.
My first fan fiction, sorry.

Any tips on how I can change/improve it?

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griffon8
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by griffon8 » Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:32 am

Mamen wrote:Any tips on how I can change/improve it?
Start by reading the entire Tips for fanfiction writers (that means YOU) thread.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:41 am

griffon8 wrote:
Mamen wrote:Any tips on how I can change/improve it?
Start by reading the entire Tips for fanfiction writers (that means YOU) thread.
Sorry to say that it didn't help that much in increasing my literature skill's. :(

But overlooking the horrible script format. How was the Fan fiction?

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:08 pm

Well, I have to say it was pretty horrible...
I have no idea what exatly happens there. Did they die or didn't they?
I suggest you improve your English skills considerably - for example by reading - before you try writing stories in that language.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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LorSquirrel
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by LorSquirrel » Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:04 pm

okay are lilly and the child dead or alive? i honestly can't tell if they're dead or not and if they are dead, Why in the HELL would they bring the corpse of his wife into his hospital room after he just had a heart attack!?
Last edited by LorSquirrel on Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Oddball
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Oddball » Sat Apr 06, 2013 10:23 pm

It feels more like you're summarizing a story than telling us one.

Rather than saying "this happened then this happened," try writing it out as actually happening.
Not Dead Yet

Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:23 am

To clear things up, yes they are dead.

And I didn't expect it to be a major fan fiction, I just thought it was kind of a quickie.

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pandaphil
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by pandaphil » Sun Apr 07, 2013 1:48 am

I'm not going to comment on the technical quality. I understood the ending just fine.

I just find it too depressing to bear. :(
Last edited by pandaphil on Sun Apr 07, 2013 1:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." ~ The Doctor.

Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:03 am

pandaphil wrote:I'm not going to comment on the technical quality. I understood the ending just fine.

I just find it too depressing to dear. :(
Thank you.

Like I said, please overlook the bad scripting, grammar, ect ect. I'm no Charles Dickens and I don't really plan on making a profession in writing, so of course my writing isn't top tier. It's just a little story I thought of when I was bored and decided to share it with people.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Apr 07, 2013 11:35 am

Even if we disregard "scripting, grammar, ect ect.", the story just doesn't make sense.
It has coincidences that are just too wild to be believable (Hisao crashing into Akira's car), irrational behaviour (Lilly's dead body being laid in Hisao's hospital room and the doctor lying about her survival despite Hisao being right there to see the truth) and many other things...
If this is just something you wrote because you were bored, why are you asking others about their opinion about it? You probably know what the response would be.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:18 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Even if we disregard "scripting, grammar, ect ect.", the story just doesn't make sense.
It has coincidences that are just too wild to be believable (Hisao crashing into Akira's car), irrational behaviour (Lilly's dead body being laid in Hisao's hospital room and the doctor lying about her survival despite Hisao being right there to see the truth) and many other things...
If this is just something you wrote because you were bored, why are you asking others about their opinion about it? You probably know what the response would be.
I don't find hisao crashing into akira's car too much of a coincidence to be honest, and the doctors put her in his room to calm him down before he makes any stupid mistakes like suicide. And so far I've only gotten the opinion of 4 people, and If I knew the response would be negative then why would I post it in the first place?

Plague
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Plague » Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:33 pm

Wait you honestly think that doctors would literally bring the dead to a hospital room to calm someone down? Really?

I thought you were going somewhere with it, like Zombie style fanfic or something. But if that's not the case then that's really irrational behaviour.

And yes, the time advance is bad for proper prose fiction.

Mamen
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Re: Epilogue (Lilly And Hisao Fan Fiction)

Post by Mamen » Sun Apr 07, 2013 1:10 pm

Plague wrote:Wait you honestly think that doctors would literally bring the dead to a hospital room to calm someone down? Really?

I thought you were going somewhere with it, like Zombie style fanfic or something. But if that's not the case then that's really irrational behaviour.

And yes, the time advance is bad for proper prose fiction.
Of course I don't honestly think that, and it was mostly for dramatic effect.

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