Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

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Florentine
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Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:01 pm

Morning came with a radiant glow. Birds chirping through the greenery and the cool dew of the mountain was a refreshing experience for early hikers. Just as how it has always been to the northern lands, the temperature was freezing cold but the peacefulness of the land makes up for its inconviences.

On one of the mountains gentle slide, the summer house of the Satou family was built. Often it was being left abandoned and uncared for but not for this day. Today, Lily and Hanako can be seen inside the bedroom. The rays of the cheerful sun pecked through the glass windows and lazily woke up the two.

Lily was the first to rise up, but instead of fixing herself, she smiled and listened carefully to the sounds of the arising day. Though she cannot see. her amazing hearing was enough to make her realize the beauty of the world she lives in. It didn’t took long before Hanako rise up as well.

“Morning Hanako, slept well?” she greeted the girl

“umm…” Hanako replied, her voice was so lifeless its like she was more tired.

“Whats with that unenergetic answer?” Lily responded with her cheeks puffed “We got alot of activities for today, Act more lively.”

It took a few moments before Hanako could return a response. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head to get her blood rolling again. Then she answered, “But….are you sure we should be doing this? Vacation hasn’t started yet and we are supposed to be at school attending classes. Don’t you think the teachers will get angry with us?”

On the day that Lilly returned back from Scotland, she immediately dragged Hanako to come with her and spend some time in their summer house. Hanako was surprised by this but she showed no resistance for she never doubt Lillys judgement

“You worry too much Hanako.” Lily commented ”With our grades, a week of absence wont turnish a thing”

It was true that Hanako has always been the fast learner and no one really pays her attention in class. But Lily is different. She maybe an excellent student but she has a name to protect. Her family are to be involved with any action that she makes. This sudden delinquency of her will not be ignored.

“But-” Hanako was just about to argue when Lily cut her

“Just consider this as my real present for you Hanako.” Lily said to her with an affectionate smile. “You must have been lonely right? You don’t have to worry anymore. I will never leave you again.”

She seek out Hanako’s hand and held unto it tightly. As if she can feel her pain on it, she began to speak out the vows that she will never break. “All your problems, all your worries, all your miseries and the darkness of your days. They are no longer your burden for from now on, I shall be the one to carry them for you.”

Lily pushed Hanako back onto the mattress then she laid down beside her “Afterall, its what it means to be a family right?”
Then their lovely morning came to an end when the reality has arrived to break the dream

The windows was tightly shut and the thickest curtains was draped to cover any light. A thin layer of frost has started to manifest on the rear edges of the glass window. The sun was shinning bright outside but the interior of the house was frozen in the loneliness of the dark. The doors was locked from the inside with heavy metals and barricaded strongly with planks and irons alike, to guarantee no intervention. Every open corner was sealed thickly with duct tape to ensure that no sound may enter nor leave their sanctuary

On the bed, Hanako lay motionless and unbreathing. Her head hung loosely on the side and her skin was on the color of a chilling blue. The white mattress from where she lays was starting to attain a discoloration done by her blood that starts to leak from her orifices. A giant scar can be seen lashed on her neck. Her body was frigid as the rigor mortis took its toll but the cold temperature and presence of salt kept her well preserve.

Lilly gripped Hanako’s hand tighter, it felt like years when she last felt the pulse from it. Using her own 2 hands, she clamped it shut and began to repeat the same vows that she kept on saying over and over; “You must have been lonely right? You don’t have to worry anymore. I will never leave you again…..”

Her words repeated again, can only be differed by the amount of tears that flows with every syllable.

It all started when Lilly left to visit her dying Aunt. She had always trusted Hanako to be stronger than what she appears to be. But on the day of her birthday, she hanged herself. Without any family nor close relatives to claim the body, the school thought of giving her a public funeral. But the Satou family decided to buy the corpse and she was never found again.

Ever since then, Lilly has never eaten, much less be able to properly think. Her once delicate feminine body was reduced to skin and bones. Her lips chapped and dried, her hair matted and unkempt, even her legs felt like stones and she can no longer move them anymore. Combined with the chill in the air, she was no different from the corpse on her side. But it does not matter anymore. Here on their sanctuary, they can be together again. And she will never allow anyone to take her away.

“You must have felt betrayed, right? You must have been misunderstood, right?”

“You do not have to worry anymore.”

“I love you, Hanako”

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Florentine
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:02 pm

AUTHORS NOTE:

Phew! That was a quick write. This took me only 1 hour of writting. I do not know what to say about this. I happy that I learned my lesson not to “purple proise”, but at the same time, I felt like im not contented and empty inside. But anyway….

I had always expected Hanako to be suicidal because she was suffering from so much insecurities and failures. She even mentioned being bullied. I hate Hisao that’s a fact, but I gotta commend him for his efforts in keeping Hanako safe.

As for Lily…what do you guys think of her being a Yandere?

The guilt must have consumed her right? I mean, if you come from a high society, it is expected that your actions are valued but your emotions are to be kept locked. In cases like this, I wonder how Lily felt it. I wonder how does it feel to slowly lose your mind. To slowly degrade your sanity. To start hallucinating and question reality. You know that you are not sane anymore but people will still misunderstood you.

I wonder how that feels like….

No need to rate and review. I never really gave any efforts in writing this.
Any errors are to be ignored. Any positive feedbacks will be taken as sarcasm. I mean it 8)

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Guest Poster » Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:33 pm

I had always expected Hanako to be suicidal because she was suffering from so much insecurities and failures. She even mentioned being bullied.
Hanako was indeed bullied a lot and yes, she has a truckload of insecurities because of it. But the question remains: if she was suicidal, why didn't she kill herself before she came to Yamaku? Hanako's life at Yamaku wasn't a particularly happy one since she was still a recluse, but it wasn't nearly as miserable as it was during her elementary and middle school years. At Yamaku, she's at least no longer bullied, the teachers tolerate it when she skips class to be alone and she's seeing a therapist in order to deal with her anxieties.

Also, Hisao befriended Hanako and kept her company, but he didn't really keep her safe. I mean...what was there she needed being kept safe from and how did Hisao protect her from it?
As for Lily…what do you guys think of her being a Yandere?
My personal opinion on yanderes is that they have no place in a relatively realistic environment such as Katawa Shoujo's setting.
No need to rate and review. I never really gave any efforts in writing this.
Any errors are to be ignored. Any positive feedbacks will be taken as sarcasm. I mean it.
That's what you say and yet here you are posting it in a public place, practically daring us to comment on it instead of keeping it safely locked away on your hard drive where none of our critizing minds would be able to reach it. Makes me wonder...why exactly DID you post it?

BTW, it's Lilly, not Lily. :)
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

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Oddball
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Oddball » Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:02 pm

Well, you seem t9o jump tenses a little bit and use some awkward phrasings, but those aren't big issues.

The story reads like you have only the vaguest basics of how the characters act, the timeline is wrong, and that's not even getting into the actual meat of the story itself.

Being under a lot of stress doesn't mean a person will suddenly flip out and kill themselves or somebody else. Frankly I dislike the term yandere anyway, as it gives some legitimacy and class to a character type that in no way deserves it. I feel that if people simply replaced the word with the less glamorous "psychopath" then most of the people would realize how stupid he idea is before they even write anything more than a brief summary.
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Brogurt
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Brogurt » Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:42 pm

The title reads kinda like Helium

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Steinherz
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Steinherz » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:04 pm

Brogurt wrote:The title reads kinda like Helium
For some reason when I read the title I thought this was a Katawa Shoujo x Neon Genesis Evangalion crossover. :lol:
I write take a look, would you kindly?
I also draw, kind of.
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Oddball wrote:It's an obvious mistake. Both are disfigured orphans that read alot and both wear green skirts.

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Florentine
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:51 pm

if she was suicidal, why didn't she kill herself before she came to Yamaku?
-Actually, suicidal folks do not commit suicide at once. Suicide cases happen when they felt alone and worthless. And Hanako was a perfect sample. No one cares whether she exists or not, she avoids any kinds of friendship, shes secretive, and she does not have a good hobby to turn her frustrations into. Lily's departure would surely break her
That's what you say and yet here you are posting it in a public place,
- I think I just tested my skill in rushed literature. And posted here because, if I wont speak,people will think im dead

Oh by the way, Yanderes are real actually. Their sickness is called "Borderline Syndrome" and unlike what they show on animes, the real life version is far worse. You can do your research if you want.

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:51 pm

“But-” Hanako was just about to argue when Lily cut her
Bit of an extreme reaction, don't you think?

...

...

You know, I actually expected this to be a funny copy/paste error...
It took me until "unbreathing" to realize what you were trying to express here.

Then I thought this was just a trowaway story you wrote for fun.

...until I read your author's notes and realized you were either completely serious or a troll. Since I try not to accuse people of being a troll wihout evidence, I will assume you were serious.

Okay, here goes:
Phew! That was a quick write. This took me only 1 hour of writting.
Protip: Take more than an hour. A lot more!
You're switching tenses not only within the story but sometimes even within a senctence, and there are other grammatical errors as well.
I had always expected Hanako to be suicidal because she was suffering from so much insecurities and failures.
This statement leaves me to wonder if you ever read her complete path let alone understood what it was about.
She even mentioned being bullied.
So? If everyone who was ever bullied committed suicide, every fifth child wouldn't reach adulthood.
I hate Hisao that’s a fact, but I gotta commend him for his efforts in keeping Hanako safe.
Hanako's story wasn't about her being kept safe, but about accepting her as an equal.

I won't even get into how you mangled Lilly's character or how unlikely it is that someone would help her transport a dead body to Hokkaido and into her beedroom, no matter how rich her family is...

Another thing: You are using third person narrative. If you do that, a dead person cannot respond to questions no matter how unintelligible. And they can certainly not rise from their beds - at least not in any non-zombie story.
Lily's departure would surely break her.
Again, try reading her path before making such assumptions.
Oh by the way, Yanderes are real actually. Their sickness is called "Borderline Syndrome" and unlike what they show on animes, the real life version is far worse. You can do your research if you want.
Pardon me if I do:
"Impulsive behaviors are common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, and reckless driving... Impulsive behaviors can also include quitting jobs or relationships, running away, shoplifting, and self-injury"
I'll give you alcohol abuse, unprotected sex and quitting relationships - actually that's more fitting symptoms than I expected there to be - but I still don't think these symptoms are enough to consider Lilly a borderline patient.
Self-harming or suicidal behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria ...Self-injury is common, and can take place with or without suicidal intent.
While the article mentions self-harm several times, there is no indication that borderline patients are violent towards others. In fact...
Perhaps the most damaging aspect of the stigma surrounding borderline personality disorder is the myth that people with BPD are violent toward others. While movies and visual media often sensationalize people with BPD by portraying them as violent, the majority of researchers agree that people with BPD are actually very unlikely to harm others. Although people with BPD often struggle with experiences of intense anger, a defining characteristic of BPD is that they direct it inward toward themselves...
Might I suggest you do your research before asking others to do it for you?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Florentine
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:10 pm

You just cannot be pleased arent you Mirage_GSM? I never saw you with a positive reinforcement in the stories that I browsed. Could this be a sign for a bigger problem beyond the screen perhaps? :wink: . Just a friendly guess though
until I read your author's notes and realized you were either completely serious or a troll.
-Well thats just upsetting. Be more friendly man. I will confess now, this is my training for a writting contest a few months from now. Like any contests, it will be timed, and no one can use a dictionary. So....
You are using third person narrative. If you do that, a dead person cannot respond to questions
-Actually, this story is about Lily's hallucination and drifting to fantasy. Logic do not apply 8)
Pardon me if I do
- See? I told you BPD in real life is far worse than anime, right?
Also, dont be so rude man, I am confident in my research and heres what it says on mine
Bor­der­line patients seem to have no inter­nal gov­er­nor; they are capa­ble of deep love and pro­found rage almost simultaneously.....
They are pow­er­fully con­nected to the peo­ple close to them and ter­ri­fied by the pos­si­bil­ity of los­ing them — yet attack those peo­ple so unex­pect­edly that they often ensure the very aban­don­ment they fear....
A typ­i­cal exam­ple from last year was the lurid tale of an Ontario man labeled bor­der­line who used a screw­driver to gouge out his wife’s right eye.

Causes
Some bor­der­line indi­vid­u­als come from homes where they were abused, some from sti­fling fam­i­lies in which chil­dren were told to go to their room if they had to cry, and some from nor­mal fam­i­lies that buck­led under the stress of an eco­nomic or health-care cri­sis and failed to pro­vide kids with ade­quate val­i­da­tion and emo­tional coach­ing. “The child does not learn how to under­stand, label, reg­u­late or tol­er­ate emo­tional responses, and instead learns to oscil­late between emo­tional inhi­bi­tion and extreme emo­tional lability,”
Fit for a Yandere isnt it? Lily fits perfectly in here for her parents abandoned her, her rank in the society gives a high expectations from her and theres no space for emotions. Hanako turns to her when troubles arises, but where does she turn when she is troubled?
Theres more info on the "Great Yandere Guide"

But wait, why on Earth are we talking about Yanderes here? SilentCook might lock this anytime if we keep on going off-topic. Just sayin

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by TonyTwoFingers » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:36 pm

Thought I'd offer my two cents on the piece.

There are plenty of errors with tense changes, punctuation, and other things that people have already pointed out.
Florentine wrote: I will confess now, this is my training for a writting contest a few months from now.
Just remember, even in a writing contest, these little things still count. That's why it's a writing contest and not a storytelling contest, right? :)
Florentine wrote:-Actually, this story is about Lily's hallucination and drifting to fantasy. Logic do not apply 8)
Even if it is a hallucination, if you need to explain that point outside of the piece, it could be (and should be) made clearer in the work itself. Just saying - it's good practice to let your writing stand on its own.

Try not to take things personally. The people here comment because they want to help you improve, not because they're feeling malicious. Try to listen objectively to their advice and implement it. That's what makes forums great - the ready availability of feedback.

Your writing needs improvement, but I'm sure if you try to learn from your mistakes, it'll improve quickly and considerably. Good luck in your contest.

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Hans PK » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:47 pm

I just want to say that this looks like something I might write if I had fuck-all to do and a piece of paper. That's really not a compliment.

I'm agreeing with the others here; it seems like you don't really understand the characters or can't write them well; the writing itself is off; the story doesn't make sense with regards to how the characters act or what happens inside of it; you rolled a 1 on your fact check... There's nothing that really makes this about KS.

Everyone has a thousand bad stories they need to write before they start improving, but when you share them with people, that's just what they are. Bad.
What is there left to say?

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:55 pm

You just cannot be pleased arent you Mirage_GSM? I never saw you with a positive reinforcement in the stories that I browsed.
There are plenty of stories I gave positive feedback to. In general, though, I think it's more helpful for the author to get tips on improvement than posting "great chapter" after each addition.
Well thats just upsetting. Be more friendly man.
I'm not aware of any attacks on your person. If you don't want and feedback on your stroies, just tell me, and I'll stop.
I will confess now, this is my training for a writting contest a few months from now. Like any contests, it will be timed, and no one can use a dictionary. So...
I'm not sure what kind of writing contest you're training for, but usually those value correct grammar as well, don't they? So, if you're training for a timed contest, you should consider writing less so you still have a chance to correct mistakes.
Actually, this story is about Lily's hallucination and drifting to fantasy. Logic does not apply
If the story is supposed to be Lilly's PoV the following bits are a bit strange, aren't they?
"Morning came with a radiant glow."
"The rays of the cheerful sun pecked through the glass windows."
See? I told you BPD in real life is far worse than anime, right?
Neither source has any indication of borderline patients going knife crazy on other people.
A typ­i­cal exam­ple from last year was the lurid tale of an Ontario man labeled bor­der­line who used a screw­driver to gouge out his wife’s right eye.
"lurid tales" are never good examples for medical conditions. Also: labelled borderline by whom? By Journalists?
Fit for a Yandere isnt it?
You're still confusing borderline with yandere.
Theres more info on the "Great Yandere Guide"
[sarcasm]Now this is what I call a reliable source on medical conditions... [/sarcasm]
But wait, why on Earth are we talking about Yanderes here? SilentCook might lock this anytime if we keep on going off-topic.
As the medical advisor of 4LS I guess SC will have his own opinion on this matter...
As long as this discussion is kept civil I doubt he will close the thread - at least not because of the discussion.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Florentine
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:46 pm

I dont really want to argue about Yanderes anymore. Cause im not an expert with them. :? I said it on the AN right? I wonder how it feels like
But nevertheless, I will still insists that BDP is the Yandere sickness. But of course it was exagerated! Similar to tsunderes who abuses their crush and kuuderes who are too cool for small talks. (Danderes are probably the only realistic -dere type)
I gave a link for the Yandere guide because it might raise your interest.
And by the way, theres a lot of cases of couples killing their cheating partners. And totally waited long before they snapped, which was followed by suicide (Kotonoha anyone?) Just sayin

And yes, I appreciate everyones care. its just that, I feel awkward when I am the center of attention. I feel so crushed by the weight of gratitude

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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Oddball » Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:40 pm

Florentine wrote:I dont really want to argue about Yanderes anymore. Cause im not an expert with them. :? I said it on the AN right? I wonder how it feels like
But nevertheless, I will still insists that BDP is the Yandere sickness. But of course it was exagerated! Similar to tsunderes who abuses their crush and kuuderes who are too cool for small talks. (Danderes are probably the only realistic -dere type)
I gave a link for the Yandere guide because it might raise your interest.
And by the way, theres a lot of cases of couples killing their cheating partners. And totally waited long before they snapped, which was followed by suicide (Kotonoha anyone?) Just sayin

And yes, I appreciate everyones care. its just that, I feel awkward when I am the center of attention. I feel so crushed by the weight of gratitude
Here's a tip for you. Don't try to apply anime cliches to real life mental illnesses.
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Florentine
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Re: Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:56 pm

Well, I live in the basement together with cutelfishes.
While you question the logic of anime, I question why I am not yet a wizard. Your argument is invalid 8)

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