Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:39 am

Helbereth wrote:
Florentine wrote:
If I were to suggest anything, it would be to do more reading, especially in the genre you're attempting to write.
-Any Suggestions? Lushstories has ALOT of awful members that the ads seems to be much more enjoyable than the actual stories written. Literotica has an awful layout, dead interfacing and the rating system was just as awful.
Honestly, I can't make any specific recommendations. This is not a genre I typically read and or write. There are a lot of such stories on the forums here, though, if you have the patience to look. Seek out authors like Banda, YourFavAnon and Themocaw for a spectrum of examples (some more disturbing than others; fair warning). Not everything they do is exactly perfect, but they've all had more acclaim than detractors.

However, any amount of reading should help equip you better, even if it's nothing within the romance genre. Granted it would be more efficacious to investigate the genre you're writing directly, but plenty of fiction novels contain romantic scenes as part of their narrative. Usually they don't get as descriptive when it comes to the actual physical act, but it can help you learn how to create a more believable scenario that leads to the scene you're writing, as well as teach you about dialogue and descriptive nuance.
I checked them out, while not bad, still not my thing. They do not even know how to foreplay and set up an ambiance. The Akira story also freaked me out. Femdom is a good genre, but his Akira was a brute.
Then I checked out your stories and seriously, why are you so humble?
While you are not into erotica, you know exactly how to create a good atmosphere. You totally had me floored with your writing skills! I bow to you my teacher.

P.S
But doesnt mean I bow doesnt mean you get a licking! Im not that drunk :evil:
I will just be stalking you till I leached everything I need to learn from you

User avatar
Helbereth
Posts: 1532
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Helbereth » Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:59 pm

Florentine wrote:I checked them out, while not bad, still not my thing. They do not even know how to foreplay and set up an ambiance. The Akira story also freaked me out. Femdom is a good genre, but his Akira was a brute.
I did warn you about that. There's a full spectrum of oddities here, as anywhere else, and not all of it is wholesome.
Florentine wrote:Then I checked out your stories and seriously, why are you so humble?
I don't know... It's my default setting, apparently.
Florentine wrote:While you are not into erotica, you know exactly how to create a good atmosphere. You totally had me floored with your writing skills! I bow to you my teacher.

Well, if you're interested in reading other genres, I'd suggest Scissorlips, Rikabro, DanjaDoom, Hoitash and Doomish.

Scissorlips and Rikabro are renown for writing completed pseudo-routes filled with intricate detail, character development, and both include fully realized romantic scenes. DanjaDoom takes a humorous hand to bring comedic gold out of Hideaki and Jigoro, as well as a number of other characters. The Doomish story I linked is considered his opus, but it's not his only work; he's one of the more prolific writers on the forum, and has dabbled in several genres. Hoitash dragged Kenji and Hisao along into a post-Yamaku noirish universe of conspiracy, gunfights and whiskey, with a side of family drama, and topped with some intriguing cross-over hijinks.
Florentine wrote:P.S
But doesnt mean I bow doesnt mean you get a licking! Im not that drunk :evil:
I will just be stalking you till I leached everything I need to learn from you
Dandy, my own stalker. Remind me to keep my firewall updated...

User avatar
BlackWaltzTheThird
Posts: 613
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:38 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Mon Mar 18, 2013 4:32 pm

Helbereth wrote:Doomish.
Oh shit, son. Maybe that's not the best suggestion for a beginning reader. Heck, it wasn't the best suggestion to someone hardened to that sorta thing. I mean, it's great and all, but... dangerous.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Guest Poster » Mon Mar 18, 2013 4:35 pm

He could also read the KS routes he hasn't finished yet. I mean, Hanako and Lilly are great and all, but the others are worth reading too. And if you want to read...interesting...H-scenes, Emi's route is definitely worth the time.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

User avatar
pandaphil
Posts: 2149
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:54 am
Location: Seattle, WA
Contact:

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by pandaphil » Mon Mar 18, 2013 4:50 pm

Guest Poster wrote:He could also read the KS routes he hasn't finished yet. I mean, Hanako and Lilly are great and all, but the others are worth reading too. And if you want to read...interesting...H-scenes, Emi's route is definitely worth the time.

Most definately. Emi is a must read. Her stories emotional, but she has a more casual, fun attitude toward sex.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." ~ The Doctor.

User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:44 pm

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Doomish.
Oh shit, son. Maybe that's not the best suggestion for a beginning reader. Heck, it wasn't the best suggestion to someone hardened to that sorta thing. I mean, it's great and all, but... dangerous.
Due to your warning, I just tried Chap 1. It started great and all,but it soon grew weary and I got bored. Im not a fan of horror and gore, in fact, im afraid of blood! Which further means that my boredom was not my fault.
Chap 2 was also written only 4 days in interval which means that it will surely be worse than Chap 1. Every artist should refuel for creativity can be exhausted, a rule which he violated. But ill still check it out for a while :|

Also,im not a beginning reader. :(

User avatar
griffon8
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by griffon8 » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:08 pm

Florentine wrote:Chap 2 was also written only 4 days in interval which means that it will surely be worse than Chap 1. Every artist should refuel for creativity can be exhausted, a rule which he violated. But ill still check it out for a while :|
Not necessarily. In my stories, I made sure to write several chapters before I posted them. For my second one I also got editing help from a couple members here. So even though the chapters were posted shortly after another, I took what care I felt was needed.

My opinion on Doomish's story was that his skill was undeniable, but I would never try to read a story of that nature again. :shock:
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6059
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:31 pm

Well, most things have already been mentioned by Helbereth and Blackwaltz. I have to admit that I didn't even get to the Yuri part before I skipped down to the comments.
If you are looking for good yuri Fics here on the forum, I also recommend Kosherbacon.
However, if this is all true:
Florentine wrote:Tired….im so, so, so very drained of my energy. I mean this story took me a whole 1 month to work out!
...
- I made this story out of loneliness. I was alone in my room, without anything to distract me,...
I have another recommendation for you: Get out more!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Helbereth
Posts: 1532
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Helbereth » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:53 pm

Florentine wrote:Chap 2 was also written only 4 days in interval which means that it will surely be worse than Chap 1. Every artist should refuel for creativity can be exhausted, a rule which he violated. But ill still check it out for a while :|

Also,im not a beginning reader. :(
Creativity, you'll find, comes in bursts. It isn't something you turn on and off like a light switch; it just doesn't work that way. Look at the post dates for the first 13 chapters of my Tomorrow's Doom story. The entire first two acts total over 90,000 words (which is a low estimate), and they were finished in just about four weeks (I started actually writing the story proper on or about 7/01). That's barely 2 days between chapters on average. Often during that time I had several chapters completed, and would release a new one every day, or every other day. Technically, the only reason there's a gap between the third and fourth chapter is because of a temporary forum ban.

C1. 7/03, C2. 7/04, C3. 7/05, C4. 7/14, C5. 7/15, C6. 7/16, C7. 7/17, C8. 7/19, C9. 7/20, C10. 7/21, C11. 7/22, C12. 7/24, C13. 7/29

It slowed considerably after that, but you can understand the point. There have been numerous contributing factors, but, when the idea hits me for how to work through the next section, I have little control over how I go about the process. Bouts of insomnia have resulted from waking in the middle of the night and feeling compelled to write, regardless of any obligations. More than once I had days where I'd write ten to fifteen-thousand words, and still have energy enough to go back and edit them.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Doomish.
Oh shit, son. Maybe that's not the best suggestion for a beginning reader. Heck, it wasn't the best suggestion to someone hardened to that sorta thing. I mean, it's great and all, but... dangerous.
I did note that it's his opus, but not the only work he's released. His Misha psudo-route (which he's never finishing, according to him) is comparable to those written by Themocaw(which is similarly incomplete), Scissorlips and Rikabro, except that it's unfinished. Besides, With Apologies to Harlan Ellison is probably the most visceral writing ever posted to these forums, and worth review just for the level of detail in its narrative.

User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:43 am

Well, most things have already been mentioned by Helbereth and Blackwaltz. I have to admit that I didn't even get to the Yuri part before I skipped down to the comments.
- Hey you know what, I re-read and re-read my story. And the only thing I can see that I am guilty of is the grammar and spelling issues. As for the "childish methapor" complains, I cant see the problem at all! :? I uses this exact style in Fanfiction. net and they all requests for more. Well, its not really worth to brag but, its my pride that I refuse to be stepped on.
Perhaps this is just a problem with our styles.
People here are used with the normal straight forward naration but mine is the flowery poetry. Everyone focuses on the story, mine is for the slow paced ambiance?

The Yuri genre demands feminine gentleness and well delivered emotion. Or at least thats where I was exposed on. And it is a style that I am confident on (unless this is a gag show like A-Channel, Yuri Yuri and Lucky Star)

I believe that I will stand my ground and refuse to change
And I hope that people here will respect that :wink:
Last edited by Florentine on Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:02 am

Creativity, you'll find, comes in bursts. It isn't something you turn on and off like a light switch; it just doesn't work that way. Look at the post dates for the first 13 chapters of my Tomorrow's Doom story. The entire first two acts total over 90,000 words (which is a low estimate), and they were finished in just about four weeks (I started actually writing the story proper on or about 7/01). That's barely 2 days between chapters on average. Often during that time I had several chapters completed, and would release a new one every day, or every other day. Technically, the only reason there's a gap between the third and fourth chapter is because of a temporary forum ban.
-Exact same thing why Stephen King falls as one of the most hated writter. He lets his emotion get the better of him. And due to that, he has published hundred books by now. He can even create 3 novels in a single year!
But if you analyzed his works, you will find that he just kept on repeating it over and over
Doomish has already admitted that his work was based on the novel "I wanna scream but I have no mouth". And I dont wanna judge, but this is enough suspicion already. I havent finished it yet but I am already getting tired of it. Because he just went on straight with the torture methods but he never narated how the characters feel as the needles pierced them, fire scald them and the taste of rust as the blade was used.
Looks like Saw with just the characters being renamed. Not my type.
Im still reading though :P

And could you please stop suggesting others to me? Your slowing me down, do you know that Sensei?
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I NEED TO STUDY!
Last edited by Florentine on Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6059
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:45 am

Florentine wrote:-Exact same thing why Stephen King falls as one of the most hated writter. He lets his emotion get the better of him. And due to that, he has published hundred books by now. He can even create 3 novels in a single year!
But if you analyzed his works, you will find that he just kept on repeating it over and over.
Do not confuse success as a writer with quality writing!
I can't comment on Stephen King, since I don't read that genre of novels, but there are plenty of writers who went on to sell millions of books, and had their books made into movies despite having the writing quality of a dime novel. Just look at Christopher Paolini or even Stephanie Meyers.
On the other hand that means that you can be successful, even if you don't change, so by all means, do as you like.
(You really should get a grip of your tenses and the other grammar issues, because no publisher will read more than three paragraphs of your stories before rejecting it otherwise.)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:48 am

In my country, improvement is success.
We care none about competition for your worst enemy is yourself :D
Also, I have read once that money makes an artist worst. Which leads to self denial. Ill try to find the link if you will ask for it
(You really should get a grip of your tenses and the other grammar issues, because no publisher will read more than three paragraphs of your stories before rejecting it otherwise.)
-ill take that as a respectful dismissal. Dont worry, my native language is not English so you can consider my flawless talking as a sucess on its own

User avatar
BlackWaltzTheThird
Posts: 613
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:38 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:25 am

Florentine wrote:I uses this exact style in Fanfiction. net and they all requests for more.
Do not confuse the absence of evidence with the evidence of absence. There may be no criticisms voiced, but that does not mean that there are no criticisms. Especially when it comes to places like FFnet. The community there can be very amateur, from my experience. Furthermore, requests for more do not necessarily indicate that the product is good in any way. Again, this is exacerbated by the amateurish community of FFnet.
Florentine wrote:People here are used with the normal straight forward naration but mine is the flowery poetry. Everyone focuses on the story, mine is for the slow paced ambiance?
...If you say so.
Florentine wrote:I will stand my ground and refuse to change
And I hope that people here will respect that :wink:
That is far from the best stance to take.
Florentine wrote:Doomish has already admitted that his work was based on the novel "I wanna scream but I have no mouth". And I dont wanna judge, but this is enough suspicion already. I havent finished it yet but I am already getting tired of it. Because he just went on straight with the torture methods but he never narated how the characters feel as the needles pierced them, fire scald them and the taste of rust as the blade was used.
Looks like Saw with just the characters being renamed. Not my type.
I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream. And that's the thing; having been tortured day in day out for a hundred years, they don't feel anything anymore. Piercing needles, scalding fire and rusty blades are as normal to them as eating, breathing and talking is to us. In any case, the tortures themselves are not the focus of the story; it's the characterisation, and that is where the "feelings" do come in. I think you're misunderstanding the story if you're comparing it to Saw.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Christopher Paolini or even Stephanie Meyers.
Once, I would have defended the former. But everything changed when the last two books came out. Don't even get me started on the latter.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

User avatar
Florentine
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:02 am

The community there can be very amateur, from my experience. Furthermore, requests for more do not necessarily indicate that the product is good in any way. Again, this is exacerbated by the amateurish community of FFnet.
-No argue in that, but then, do you have an FF account? We may be amatuers but we can be picky. :wink:

Post Reply