Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:14 am

Florentine wrote:-No argue in that, but then, do you have an FF account? We may be amatuers but we can be picky. :wink:
I do, yes, and I was an active member for quite some time. I know firsthand exactly what the community is like. Your pride is getting the better of you, I fear.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:17 am

Actually, it was a friendly gesture. I saw TehLandShark on FF and I felt glad not to be alone. I was just hoping to see you as well :lol:
So, wheres your account?

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue Mar 19, 2013 8:08 am

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I was an active member for quite some time.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:was
You're a few years too late. I'd rather leave that part of my authorial history in the past. In any case, this is straying off topic.
BlackWaltz's One-stop Oneshot Shop - my fanfiction portal topic. Contains links to all my previous works, plus starting now any new ones I may produce (or reproduce)! Please, check it out!

BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 8:48 am

Damn, I was hoping to see more of you guys in FF

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griffon8
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by griffon8 » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:20 pm

I finally broke down and read your story.

Ugh.

Here are things you should never use in a story where you are trying to convey romance and sex: 'grit', 'crotch', 'violent', 'parchment', 'slug', 'malevolent', and the phrase 'kneading a[sic] dough' when referring to breasts. Also, there is no need to point out that the sex position is 69; we know what that is.
Florentine wrote:- Hey you know what, I re-read and re-read my story. And the only thing I can see that I am guilty of is the grammar and spelling issues.
That is not all you're guilty of.
Florentine wrote:As for the "childish methapor" complains, I cant see the problem at all! :? I uses this exact style in Fanfiction. net and they all requests for more. Well, its not really worth to brag but, its my pride that I refuse to be stepped on.
It's Purple Prose and worse, and you should never be using it before you've mastered writing. I could tell it was purple prose by your fourth word. Sticking to the way you already do it means that you will never improve. We're trying to tell you how to get better.
Florentine wrote:Perhaps this is just a problem with our styles.
People here are used with the normal straight forward naration but mine is the flowery poetry. Everyone focuses on the story, mine is for the slow paced ambiance?
Perhaps it's because the story is more important? You aren't writing poetry, you're writing a story. There is a difference. If you want to write poetry, then write poetry!
Florentine wrote:The Yuri genre demands feminine gentleness and well delivered emotion. Or at least thats where I was exposed on. And it is a style that I am confident on
Yet you fail to demonstrate that.
Florentine wrote:I believe that I will stand my ground and refuse to change
And I hope that people here will respect that :wink:
We don't have to respect that. In fact, you lose respect by thinking your writing can't be improved. We can accept it, but that is a far cry from respecting it.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:37 pm

Here are things you should never use in a story where you are trying to convey romance and sex: 'grit', 'crotch', 'violent', 'parchment', 'slug', 'malevolent', and the phrase 'kneading a[sic] dough' when referring to breasts
-Funny, cause it seems like we have a different definition for erotica huh? Cause from where I came from, the use of vulgar language degrades it into a cheap porno. Well, different strokes for different folks, I guess
It's Purple Prose and worse, and you should never be using it before you've mastered writing. I could tell it was purple prose by your fourth word. Sticking to the way you already do it means that you will never improve. We're trying to tell you how to get better.
I see...Now thats an interesting link. Thanks! Finally, the only person who gave the true criticism
Perhaps it's because the story is more important? You aren't writing poetry, you're writing a story. There is a difference. If you want to write poetry, then write poetry!
- I was actually, I was a poet first before a writer. Forgive my noobish style of being new. It appears that I enjoyed it too much, huh? :lol:
Yet you fail to demonstrate that.
-Marimite, Strawberry Panic, Aria. They are very slowpaced, yet they are overflowing with emotions.
We don't have to respect that. In fact, you lose respect by thinking your writing can't be improved. We can accept it, but that is a far cry from respecting it.
- I dont think I ever said that I do not want to improve. I simply said that I refuse to change my style into something I am not comportable with. But thanks anyway

So long story short, my main fault is the too much methapors?
Damn, but I cant get wet from straight forward assualts that you males love. What should I do.... :cry:

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SemisoftCheese
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by SemisoftCheese » Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:29 pm

why would you post anything in this forum if you weren't open to criticism and didn't want to improve your work... you could at least put up the pretense of listening... nevermind...

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:36 pm

Actually, I am currently researching on this "Purple Prose" thingy. And goddamn it, he was right! PAINFULLY RIGHT :cry:

EDIT:
WOOOHOOOO
THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU griffon08!
I finished my research and now I know how to solve my problem. Your criticism was the most useful!

Now, time for bed

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Helbereth
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Helbereth » Tue Mar 19, 2013 5:30 pm

Florentine wrote: -Funny, cause it seems like we have a different definition for erotica huh? Cause from where I came from, the use of vulgar language degrades it into a cheap porno. Well, different strokes for different folks, I guess
The trick with writing a sex scene is knowing when to be subtle and when to be abrupt. Writing everything in the middle makes it into a boring melange that gets increasingly difficult for the reader to interpret. Something with the primal, visceral nature of sex is going to visit a whole spectrum of rational and irrational moments, in much the same way as a fight scene might progress, and the language you use can emphasize those transitions.
- I was actually, I was a poet first before a writer. Forgive my noobish style of being new. It appears that I enjoyed it too much, huh? :lol:
Being noobish is fine. Fanfiction is a realm dominated by people who are either just starting to learn, or have recently switched from a different genre or style. Just don't get cocky, and pay attention to criticism. Don't let it rule you, but listen to the points being made and try to incorporate them into your writing. In the worst case scenario it turns out not to work, but just about all the advice I've seen come through this thread has been of sound quality and value.
- I dont[sic] think I ever said that I do not want to improve. I simply said that I refuse to change my style into something I am not comportable[sic] with. But thanks anyway
Nobody is telling you to change your style. What you're trying to accomplish is a perfectly valid form of writing. The advice being provided is offered in an attempt to help you avoid pratfalls and improve the quality of your work, not change its subject. All my issues with your writing are based on its mechanics, not its content.
So long story short, my main fault is the too much methapors?
Damn, but I cant get wet from straight forward assualts that you males love. What should I do.... :cry:
Pepper in the metaphors instead of layering them on top of everything else. Think of it like a well-balanced meal. Balance, young padawan, you must always seek balance in your meals, and your prose. You've got the protein(meat, fish, soy, etc.), which is the underlying subplot driving the scene. Then you have the starch (rice, potatoes, etc.) providing the metaphorical glue in the form of character insights and reactions. Nearby are the vegetables and dairy, offering a hefty helping of literal visual descriptions to set the scene.

Then, off to the side, there's a chocolate molten lava cake topped with whipped cream and a cherry sauce providing devilishly sweet counterbalance in the form of powerful, poetically licensed superlative interludes for moments meant to shock, disturb, and enlighten your reader; or 'get them wet' to use your term. Unlike a normal meal, you take a bite from that sweet confection every so often during the main meal and it keeps the reader interested.

If you were to just eat the cake, it would be exciting for a while, but it ends up becoming boring and leaves your reader's palette overloaded. Instead, stuff a bite of the cake in their mouth every couple of passages to keep them entertained, but don't shovel it into their mouth or they'll just choke.

Now I'm hungry...

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Tue Mar 19, 2013 5:38 pm

Hehehe dont act so preachy now Sensei for you are also suffering from Purple Prose 8). Heck, you even tried to improve my disorder by making the foreplay more elegant. But at least you know how to control it in your stories unlike mine which I just realized today
You made me hungry too

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griffon8
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by griffon8 » Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:01 pm

Florentine wrote:
Here are things you should never use in a story where you are trying to convey romance and sex: 'grit', 'crotch', 'violent', 'parchment', 'slug', 'malevolent', and the phrase 'kneading a[sic] dough' when referring to breasts
-Funny, cause it seems like we have a different definition for erotica huh? Cause from where I came from, the use of vulgar language degrades it into a cheap porno. Well, different strokes for different folks, I guess
Now you've confused me. I told you what things you should never use, you said vulgar language makes it cheap porno. Did you miss the fact that every thing I said not to use was taken from what you wrote? Or are you saying that you were trying to make cheap porno?
Florentine wrote:Actually, I am currently researching on this "Purple Prose" thingy. And goddamn it, he was right! PAINFULLY RIGHT :cry:

EDIT:
WOOOHOOOO
THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU griffon08!
I finished my research and now I know how to solve my problem. Your criticism was the most useful!
:oops:

Well, uh, thank you for that link. I'll add it to my editing links.

I've never seen so much praise heaped on me for constructive criticism.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Silentcook
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Silentcook » Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:48 am

I TRIED to stay the fuck away, but you people made me do it.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

Image

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Oddball
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Oddball » Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:17 am

As long as we're throwing out links, I'd also suggest reading Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses written by Mark Twain
Not Dead Yet

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Wed Mar 20, 2013 3:18 pm

Silentcook wrote:I TRIED to stay the fuck away, but you people made me do it.
Mother of God, thats a load of Purple Prose. Its beautiful!
Image
But of course, not everyone is unto deep words
Last edited by Florentine on Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Wed Mar 20, 2013 3:22 pm

Oddball wrote:As long as we're throwing out links, I'd also suggest reading Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses written by Mark Twain
Never read his books, so I cannot comprehend with what it was analyzing about :(

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