Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

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Florentine
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Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Sun Mar 17, 2013 2:25 am

(Authors Note: Before reading, I recommend you to play some good piano music. Such as “Sono Hanabira OVA ending OST”)

As the rain showered the land in a gentle downpour, the clouds overheard rumbles a soft thunder. The heavy weather has blot out the sun, enveloping the world in a cold darkness. A tropical depression has arrived and every citizen was told to stay indoors. That includes the students of Yamaku.

Inside the girls dorm, a room was filled with the cozy warmth and an ambient light escapes through its windows, breaking the gloomy atmosphere of the weather. Taking pleasure in such a sleepy moment, two girls lounged around together as if enjoying the lazy day. One was the victim of a past that left half of her body disfigured. A horrifying scar that shall forever remind her of the nightmare that she can never flee. Her name was Hanako Ikezawa, a burn victim.

The other was a figure of feminine artifice. A slender body that every female envies, a lovely face that never fails to hold a smile and a voice so sensual, it is a defiler of the harshness of any storm. Perfect as she may seem to be, but all this gifts are wasted as the one who owns them can never enjoy the beauty of the world. Her name was Lily Satou, a blind girl.

This is Lilys room and just as usual, they enjoy every mundane activity. And today, they share a game of chess. A warm tea lies by the side of their board and Lily takes a glass as she patiently wait for her turn. Hanako on the other was cuddling a fluffy teddy bear as she set her plans.

“Mate” Hanako declared. Lily scanned the board with her fingers before agreeing.

Exhausted, she stood up and let her back fall into the soft mattress. “Its just impossible to win against you” she admitted in resignation

“T-T-that’s not true” Hanako objected “i-i-it was just out of luck”

Lily let out a hidden smile. Hanako’s humility may be amusing but too much of it can be insulting. However, she understands that Hanako’s low self-esteem has it reasonable roots. She patted the bed a few times and gave Hanako the message “Come here”

The bed bounced abit when Hanako sat on it. In response, Lily, raised herself to the same position and as softly as possible, she gave her message “You know Hanako, you don’t have to deny your skills. One of the most insulting things that you can throw to an opponent is to say that it was out of luck. That would be the same as saying that he never fought you.”

A moment of silence has suddenly filled the room. Lilys words has cut straight to the gut and she is aware of it. This silence was to give Hanako a reflection of her own deeds. It was Hanako who break the stillness by hunging her head low and her sad voice said “Im sorry…”

Lily giggled at her and decided to chance the topic into something friendlier. “Say Hanako, can I touch your body for a while?”

Hanako raised a brow. “Eh?”

“I just want to know how you look ” she confessed. But immediately regretted it “But if you don’t like it then-”

“Its fine” Hanako said “I don’t mind”

And so, with her approval, Lily let her sense of touch guide her way. She slide through the silken softness of Hanako’s hair and navigated the landscape of her facial skin. Taking into account every single inch. From the fair side into the part that she kept hidden.. Despite all her disfigurements, Lily can never hide the fact. “Your cute Hanako.”

Satisfied, Lily let down her hands. But Hanako didn’t showed any concern. She just hung there, motionless. “You lied”

“I did not” Lily argued, her keen hearing has heard Hanako’s murmur

“I…im not cute at all”

Playfully, Lily leaned into her shoulders, surprising Hanako for a bit. “Yes you are, and I can prove it.”

She sneaked her lips into hers and planted a kiss. Soft and sensual, the taste of her has left Hanako stunned. But of no protest, she returned the same affection on the second kiss. It was through this short glimpse of contact that their bond was confirmed. Coiling within each other, their tongues rolled and lashed, entwining themselves together in a playful ritual. They intoxicated their senses with the taste of their sweetness.

When Lily broke their kiss, Hanako closed her eyes. Her small body was already shivering from the suddenness but she offered no resistance. Lily licked Hanako’s cheeks down, snaking her way into her neck. The locks ofher hair was fragrant with a good perfume. It was this scent that they both love. They took pleasure in every breath they take. She rolled her tongue into her skin causing Hanako to suddenly squeak as she became powerless in hiding her feelings. The air from Lily has made the moment so unbearable that Hanako soon laid down to the bed and surrendered herself to Lily’s ministrations

With a giggle, Lily unbuttoned Hanakos pyjama, delighting her upon the discovery that she has nothing underneath. Hanako was the conservative who wont show a skin out, but even she, has her own ways of seduction.

Little to Lily’s knowing was that Hanakos injury extends further down. The burden of her past has marked its self to forever be as her burden. Hanako was aware of her selfishness but she cannot help but be thankful that she has nothing to hide from the one she love the most.

She welcomed Lily with open arms as she licked her breasts. Playing blissfully with her nipples till they hardened and erected. In her sensitivity, Hanako tried to muffle her moans by covering her mouth with her palm.
“Dont” Lily told her “I want to hear your voice”

Beyond Hanakos expectations, Lily suddenly nip at those little red bud, sending Hanako to grit her teeth on the moment that the waves of pleasure surge through her veins. Hanakos sensitivity has amused Lily inside and gave her the desire to take it further. She slipped her hand into her crotch. Her long fingers made its way under her garments till it reached that slit. It was no surprise that Hanako was already flooding down there. She was so wet that Lily can already feel her fingers slipping inside. But she fought the temptation and left it for later. For now, she focused on teasing her little friend.

For someone blind, every touch was a treasure for her. Every contact with the skin was valued. And Lily wanted to relish this small moment.

She massaged Hanako’s breast as if she was kneading a dough. Her mouth never withdrawn from pinching her bosom. Only to occasionally halt to tickle her belly button and caress her legs. But this only aggravate Hanako who was already at her peak.

“Lily…” Hanako panted. “I…”

“Say it”

“…I want you…inside me.”

Lily giggled in Hanakos whimpers but she knows when she was going too far in her teasing. She moved her focused down to where Hanako wants it. She pulled away the remaining of her pajama and began. It was just as what she expected. Hanako was so moist, her vagina was already loose and twitching in anticipation for her. And when Lily inserted herself, it was like her fingers was being pulled further inside.

With her fingers inside, she felt the heat flowing within her. Her blood boiling from excitement in accordance to the scent of lust that was now filling the room. Lily furthered her reach and curved her fingers inside till it found the small bud that was buried within. It felt rough and small like a bean. Yet just a small touch send Hanako rattling and it was a marvel to see her enjoying it so much. This was the G-point. One of the most sensitive part of a woman.

“I-I-I…” Hanako panted, her words was drowned in her moans “im…im…”

Not yet. Lily told herself. In order to make the most of it, Lily felt the urge to stimulate the little pebble outside. Just like the G-point, it was a spot that will soften any woman-the clitoris. She lowered her head and started to lick it, sensually catching every reaction that Hanako gave. She took note of every way that will make her lover tremble from her already shaking self

“C-c-cu…” Hanako was now losing it and Lily felt it. In accordance to Hanako, she increased her pace until when the string broke and Hanako released a scream as she reached orgasm. From her tiny flower, she released a violent spray of clear liquid that carries the strong scent of her love. Lily was taken a back from the pleasant surprise that covered her face.
Exhausted, Hanako lay there in heavy breaths, her legs spread out and quivering. Every inch of her skin was shiver
ing as the aftershock takes her. The bed linens was wet from her outburst but that was little of her concern as she started to drift off. But Lily kept her awake by licking her crotch.

She cast her tongue in every parchment of her skin that was moistened. She cleaned up her mess and made sure that not a single drop will be wasted. She took all the flavors of their lust just for herself, she cherished every sweet tang that flowed into her throat. Seeing her love being moved by pleasure like this was enough for her. But deep inside, she knows she wanted more.

“This is unfair Lily” Hanako complsinrf and Lily looked up to her “Its not fair that I get to be the only one.”
Before Lily could think, Hanako used her weakened legs to prompt herself up in an attempt to be the lead this time. But due to spasm, her weight fell into Lilys chest. Filled with the concern of an elder sister, Lily patted her head and said “Don’t push yourself too hard”

She could just dismiss this and end it to give her the proper rest that she needs but she does not want Hanako to feel rejected. So she lay her back to the mattress and began to undress. Her naked body was towering above Hanako’s as if observing her like a predator to a prey, if only she can see how frightened Hanako was.

Taking precise note of her current place, Lily changed her position to reverse and send her focus on the same place that she just played. As if it was her favorite toy. This was called as the 69 position and in this style, both has an equal opportunity to indulge within the other. Lily’s choice of position has shown her appetite for a second round.

Giving way for the other, they parted their legs and granted their partner to do as they wish. Lily slowly amassed herself in Hanakos small orifice, lapping elegantly at every fluid that leaked out. She took them all without a driblet to spare.
The feelings of being dominated once more was starting to grow. And it was something that Hanako cannot allow. She fought the tingling sensation of being stimulated and reached her mouth into Lily’s. Tickled, she rolled her tongue to reach the insides of Lily. Her lightly shaven womanhood was ripe and trickling from all the vulgar actions that it is guilty of. Her tongue extended to its farthest reach and using the tip of it, she made contact with Lily’s adorable little clit.

Using her tongue, she played with that small marble and licked it round and round, her lewd gestures shaped that cute pebble to harden its pink tissues. Just that alone made the sensation bang inside Lily. She jolted and wiggled from her position as Hanako presented her skill. Her moan was broken and shaking yet it only caused Hanako to intensify her actions.

Lily was not used to being teased and Hanako knows this, and it awoken the aggressiveness that she keeps hidden behind her shy nature.. Using her fingers, Hanako pried open the skin that covers Lily’s secret valley and she thrust her tongue inside to penetrate her. The move was so intensely bold that Lily was unable to think. Her body stiffened as the sensation of a soft and playful slug entered her crevice. She knows that she wanted this but she feels cheated that she’s enjoying it alone and in turn, took it as a challenge to surpass. She sent her lips back to Hanakos apex and marveled once more on how her entrance was abundant of its natural lubricant.

Hanako was still sore from the last orgasm which caused her reactions to be stronger than before. But that did not stop her advancements. She resisted all the urges to moan and forced herself to continue in exploring Lily’s valley but it was noticeable enough. They both dug into each others core, relishing the lustful aroma that overtakes their senses. The temperature of their skin soared like fire as they explored the depths of each others secret gardens.

The surface of each lining felt smooth as their own sap made everything slippery but with each gentle poke, the palisade of their chambers clamped their tongue’s as if it was pulling it further inside. And they abide to each others all to reach further and further, bumping through the underlining and licking every liquids that came out of their overheated core. Whimpers were exchanged between the two as together, the tip of their tongue reached the rough area of their special spot. It was the spot that is overfilled with nerve ends which makes it the most pleasurable part in their togetherness

Until when suddenly, both of them gave an inaudible cry, as they made contact with the rough ends of their body. Followed by a severe spike in their already aroused scent.

“I…Im…” Lily began to tremble furiously.

“C-im gonna…” Hanako cried loud together with her.

With a sudden violent jerk, both of them suddenly convulsed in a rhythm, and the endings of their skin grew so numb they were taken aback and unable to speak. The malevolent voltage of the climax that came from their crotches has seared their brain and reduced their vision into a powerful shade of white. Their valleys that delighted their partners lost its control and started to shake within every hair.

Their mouths hanging open wide open as if in disbelief, their body lay paralyzed in pain and pleasure. It felt like time has stopped for the two of them, they have forgotten the rest of the world and the only thing they value now was their love for each other.

Here is where they bade goodbye to their friendship and marks the start of a new relationship. And they will never allow anyone to break the link that binds them together in love

●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ ● ~EPILOGUE:~ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬●

At the school library, while Lily was talking to the librarian for the appointed books in braile which she ordered, a yell of “IVEGOTTODOSOMETHING!” blasted through the silence of the room and startled the students except for Lily who already has a good impression of what has happened

“Excuse me for a while” she excused herself to the Librarian who gave an understanding nod.

Using her cane, she used it to guide the way that she cannot see and walked slowly to her destination- the Tea Room. It was in this room that she spends her quiet time with herself and Hanako during break periods. She can already feel the presence but she had to confirm.

“Hanako? Are you here?” she called and the voice that she seeks announced herself

“Yes, im here” Hanako responded. She was sitting with her hands buried in her face. As if she was ashamed of something.

Lily does not want to rush her, but she just had to know the answer. So she seek out a chair and following the sound of Hanakos voice, she sat down beside her. “So, would you mind telling me what happened?”

It took Hanako a few minutes to contemplate a proper response. The guilt of impoliteness weighted her shoulders down. With a voice filled with lack of confidence, she answered her “There was a man…”

Lily listened carefully as she narrated her tale “…he was our new classmate…he tried to talk to me but…”

“But?” Lily put on the pressure on her

“…but I got scared of him and run away.”

Lily let out a giggle that is too gentle to be insulting, “Looks like you got yourself an admirer”

With that said, Hanako jumped in surprise “EHH?!”

“But that’s just-” before she could speak further, Lily’s lip implanted a kiss into her cheek. And suddenly, Hanako was stunned as she was now absent as she cannot perceive what emotion she should feel.

But Lily guided her by saying “Hey Hanako, would you like to go to my room?”
Last edited by Florentine on Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lily having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Sun Mar 17, 2013 2:25 am

AUTHORS NOTE!!!

Hi yah! Katawa Shoujo Fans. This is my third erotic fanfic and I originally wrote this just so I can have a reason to visit the forums and talk to the creators of the game and now that its done, do you know how I feel?

Tired….im so, so, so very drained of my energy. I mean this story took me a whole 1 month to work out! Its only 2800 words but goddamn, do you know how hard it is to write Erotica? Do not underestimate it, you naive virgin!
Erotica is the hardest genre of Literature! And being hard, is something only men can do. :lol:

I don’t know if I will make another Katawa Shoujo Yuri Fic, because I don’t really consider myself a fan of the game. The only thing that made me play this game is the fame. And while not disappointed, im not impressed either. I played Hanako and Lily’s Arc as they are the most famous then I left it unfinished .But if ever I do make another fic, I will probably turn my focus on Misha and Shizune.

Maybe I could tie them and create a yuri BDSM? Yeah! I can collar Shizune, and Misha will take the role of the sadist. Shizune will be the masochist. Then Misha will take her dog for a walk and then she will make Shizune pee on the street sign….and then… and then….AHHH!!!! Im over heating! This thoughts are making me so very wet!

FUCK HISAO!, he does not deserve the harem. In fact, the whole game could have been so much better if only he never arrived at Yamaku! Lily and Hanako will make love with each other, and so will the rest of the pairings. But a love triangle can exist between the line of Lily and Shizune as a girls heart is complicated. Their polar opposition can ignite the fire for deep love. Misha will be drifted away again and find solace within Hanako’s company. They are opposite too which makes them an excelent pair! but after a few melodrama’s, I will still vote for Hanako X Lily, Misha X Shizune, Rin X Emi. FUCK MALES

God, I hate every male character in every Harem stories. When not looking for a hole, they will be measuring their penises and kept on saying “grow some balls” when in reality, balls are weak, just a single kick will make them lose it. If you really wanted to be strong, grow a vagina, those stuff take a pounding.

But I find no problem if their lover will be a Yandere, those girls are educationally awesome.

Yuri 4 Life 4 Ever!
Yuri Yandere is fine too!


Oh, by the way guys.
Here is my Fanfiction account, I havent made much, but every great oak came from humble acorn seeds
Last edited by Florentine on Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:19 am, edited 1 time in total.


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Florentine
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:19 am

DAMN! First review was about a small but tragic mistake :x

Anyway, im surprised you said nothing about the sex scene

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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Sun Mar 17, 2013 8:09 am

I must admit I'm more concerned by your second post than your first. However, I'll not judge that, because that is not the point of this subforum.

Your writing leaves a lot to be desired. You change tense often for no reason. There are very frequent spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. While it seems to be the norm for literotica, your use of childish metaphors for sexual organs and their uses takes away a lot of the mood of the story; in fact, it almost seems downright satirical at times. And that's ignoring the content itself. Again, it's the norm for literotica to be rather bare in terms of plot, but even the worst written smut has some justification or explanation. Here, it's nothing more than "ehy honko can i touch u 4 no reson" "okay" "lol suddenly yuri". If you want to be taken seriously in future - even with fapfics like this - you really should address these concerns.

Oh, and a better title would be nice. They usually aren't quite so descriptive.
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by neio » Sun Mar 17, 2013 2:00 pm

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Your writing leaves a lot to be desired. You change tense often for no reason. There are very frequent spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. While it seems to be the norm for literotica, your use of childish metaphors for sexual organs and their uses takes away a lot of the mood of the story; in fact, it almost seems downright satirical at times. And that's ignoring the content itself. Again, it's the norm for literotica to be rather bare in terms of plot, but even the worst written smut has some justification or explanation. Here, it's nothing more than "ehy honko can i touch u 4 no reson" "okay" "lol suddenly yuri". If you want to be taken seriously in future - even with fapfics like this - you really should address these concerns.
This. I couldn't even finish reading. Every third sentence has something like this:
“Yes, im here” Hanako responded.
You misspelled "Lilly," etc. And the premise wasn't even compatible with my suspension of disbelief.

At least run your story through spellcheck before you post it.
Recommended fics: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route | Sisterhood (Hanako Epilogue) | Can You Open Your Heart? (Rika)

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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Guest Poster » Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:20 pm

do you know how hard it is to write Erotica? Do not underestimate it
You're right, it actually is. While working on my own fanfic, one of the chapters that involved the main characters getting physical turned out to be such a pain that I ended up skipping it for a month while working on the rest of the story. You can often get away with clunky dialogue here and there under normal circumstances, but when the clothes come off just a single line can ruin the mood and make the whole scene feel ridiculous. I get why so many H-games don't even bother and just floodfill their H-scenes with stock phrases.

BTW, the quoted part is probably the only part of your posts that didn't make me frown in disbelief. :?
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by pandaphil » Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:38 pm

I always have a hard time being critical about other writers, especially ones with such cute profile pics.

Honestly, KS characters aren't like the usual anime/hentai characters. Readers get emotionally attached to them, so even the most well intentioned hentai writer is going to be met with some hostility if theres not a dose of emotions backing up the scene. I might suggest asking around for a proofreader before posting?
Guest Poster wrote:
do you know how hard it is to write Erotica? Do not underestimate it
You're right, it actually is. While working on my own fanfic, one of the chapters that involved the main characters getting physical turned out to be such a pain that I ended up skipping it for a month while working on the rest of the story. You can often get away with clunky dialogue here and there under normal circumstances, but when the clothes come off just a single line can ruin the mood and make the whole scene feel ridiculous. I get why so many H-games don't even bother and just floodfill their H-scenes with stock phrases.
And you succeeded admirably. I remember being rather anxious when I saw they were working up to a sex scene, but you did such a good job of making them sensual, loving, and even cute at ties that I found them all very enjoyable. I know I've said it before, but my compliments.

Probably won't have such scenes in my story series. Although theres going to be a hefty dose of cuddling.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." ~ The Doctor.

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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:24 pm

pandaphil wrote:especially ones with such cute profile pics.
Really? It scares the shit out of me. It has those eyes that look like they're staring at you no matter where you stand. Like the old MLP toys.
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by pandaphil » Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:33 pm

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
pandaphil wrote:especially ones with such cute profile pics.
Really? It scares the shit out of me. It has those eyes that look like they're staring at you no matter where you stand. Like the old MLP toys.

Well, I've got a thing for anime figures and dolls. So maybe I'm just wired different. :)
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." ~ The Doctor.

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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Helbereth » Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:57 pm

Florentine wrote:DAMN! First review was about a small but tragic mistake :x

Anyway, im surprised you said nothing about the sex scene
If I have nothing nice to say, I usually try to keep my mouth shut. However, since you asked, barely a few sentences in, I was ready to close the page out of contempt. The imagery you're trying to describe through convoluted metaphors is so campy at times, I found myself rolling my eyes. Then, just as I'm expecting that kind of adjective-filled prose to continue, you suddenly slap the reader with a completely blunt, lifeless description of Hanako's scars.

The dialogue lacks any grace, and the characters just seem to blurt things out without any thought.

Never start a paragraph with 'and', especially if you're following it with 'then', 'so' or anything similar.
Satisfied, Lily let down her hands. But Hanako didn’t showed any concern. She just hung there, motionless. “You lied”

“I did not” Lily argued, her keen hearing has heard Hanako’s murmur
Firstly, there's no indication of Hanako's volume when she speaks, which makes Lilly's 'keen hearing' seem unnecessary. After the exchange you mention it was a murmur, but that's out of sequence and doesn't end up making sense.

What is Hanako hanging on? I thought she was sitting, or perhaps laying by now; it seems like the wrong verb for whatever she's actually doing at this point.

You also missed the period after 'murmur'.
She sneaked her lips into hers and planted a kiss.
Who did what now? Read by itself, this sentence might lead one to believe she's kissing herself. There are two women in the room, and obviously one is kissing the other, but using the same noun for both of them simply leads to confusion.
When Lily broke their kiss, Hanako closed her eyes. Her small body was already shivering from the suddenness but she offered no resistance. Lily licked Hanako’s cheeks down, snaking her way into her neck. The locks ofher hair was fragrant with a good perfume. It was this scent that they both love. They took pleasure in every breath they take. She rolled her tongue into her skin causing Hanako to suddenly squeak as she became powerless in hiding her feelings. The air from Lily has made the moment so unbearable that Hanako soon laid down to the bed and surrendered herself to Lily’s ministrations
Apart from the missing space, this isn't awful, but lacks the descriptive potency I think you were attempting; not to mention a period at the end.

This is what I came up with:
example wrote:As Lilly broke the kiss, Hanako edged forward and closed her eyes, chasing the sensation. Feeling the hot breath from her friend's open mouth, Lilly answered that longing. Reaching forward, she began exploring every nook and dimple, slowly snaking her way downward, planting delicate kisses and gently licking Hanako's cheek. Fragrant locks of hair filled her nose with delicate perfume, a scent they both loved and shared, enticing her journey along the timid girl's neck and to her collar bone.

The sensation of Lilly's ministrations drove Hanako to squeak in pleasure, her chest starting to heave with quickened breaths, and her heart set to racing. Every inch of her slender body felt energized, and nervous shivers ran along her legs and back, but she was done resisting Lilly's touch. Abandoning self-control and giving in to her secret desires, she laid back and exhaled a soft moan, beckoning Lilly along with soft cooing.
There's some amount of promise in your writing, but, as it stands, it leaves something to be desired. The overuse of childish adjectives, lack of tense consistency, inconsistent narrative quality and stilted dialogue take away from the mood you're trying to set with this kind of fiction. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to do more reading, especially in the genre you're attempting to write. Don't limit yourself to romantic fiction, but take a look at some of the acclaimed material that's out there and make note of how much restraint is used in its language.

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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by CptSalsa » Sun Mar 17, 2013 10:01 pm

Also try to make better titles. Unless you were going for that, please note that I almost died laughing reading that title and I almost expected satire. Because your title was really, really blunt. But I guess this story was really blunt too I guess. I guess a lot, as you might have guessed.
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Florentine » Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:00 pm

OH GOD!
Thanks alot guys, Ive always wanted some REAL creative criticism. Got it, my faults are:
1. Bad grammar
2. Spelling mistakes
3. Title? LOL it was intentional, really.

Ok, while I agree, there are some areas where I wanted to defend myself.
While it seems to be the norm for literotica, your use of childish metaphors for sexual organs and their uses takes away a lot of the mood of the story; in fact, it almost seems downright satirical at times
- Are you guys talking about the way I avoid the nouns "vagina", "vulva", and "pubic hair"? Well, to be blunt, I really hate vulgar words. It was in my style to use poetry above obscenity. You may call it childish, I will insist it as my style :P
Here, it's nothing more than "ehy honko can i touch u 4 no reson" "okay" "lol suddenly yuri". If you want to be taken seriously in future - even with fapfics like this - you really should address these concerns.

But I guess this story was really blunt too I guess. I guess a lot, as you might have guessed.
- I made this story out of loneliness. I was alone in my room, without anything to distract me, I watch porn. But due to the fact that I cannot find some good ones, I decided to make my own.
It was intentional that I made no story, because all that matters is "my" enjoyment with my fantasies.
If I were to suggest anything, it would be to do more reading, especially in the genre you're attempting to write.
-Any Suggestions? Lushstories has ALOT of awful members that the ads seems to be much more enjoyable than the actual stories written. Literotica has an awful layout, dead interfacing and the rating system was just as awful.
please note that I almost died laughing reading that title and I almost expected satire. Because your title was really, really blunt
- All in my plans. In Fanfiction, every single title is poetic and making another one will not give me originality. So I just screwed it all. Titles like this will make it much more memorable

Thanks again guys for the criticism.

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Helbereth
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by Helbereth » Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:02 am

Florentine wrote:
If I were to suggest anything, it would be to do more reading, especially in the genre you're attempting to write.
-Any Suggestions? Lushstories has ALOT of awful members that the ads seems to be much more enjoyable than the actual stories written. Literotica has an awful layout, dead interfacing and the rating system was just as awful.
Honestly, I can't make any specific recommendations. This is not a genre I typically read and or write. There are a lot of such stories on the forums here, though, if you have the patience to look. Seek out authors like Banda, YourFavAnon and Themocaw for a spectrum of examples (some more disturbing than others; fair warning). Not everything they do is exactly perfect, but they've all had more acclaim than detractors.

However, any amount of reading should help equip you better, even if it's nothing within the romance genre. Granted it would be more efficacious to investigate the genre you're writing directly, but plenty of fiction novels contain romantic scenes as part of their narrative. Usually they don't get as descriptive when it comes to the actual physical act, but it can help you learn how to create a more believable scenario that leads to the scene you're writing, as well as teach you about dialogue and descriptive nuance.

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muliebrity
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Re: Hanako and Lilly having sex [Warning: Pure Yuri]

Post by muliebrity » Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:59 am

The suggestion to read more is a great one, but I don't think you even need to emphasize any particular genre, you never know what you'll gain from a story well told. Also try writing different sorts of material. Write fiction, write reviews, write editorials, write as much as possible.

Try reading some older stuff. I love Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Philip Roth, for example, just explore media in earnest and for it's own sake, you will learn through osmosis.
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