Zade Wither (My own KS story) *Chapter 3 uploaded*

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AlphaWarMeister
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Zade Wither (My own KS story) *Chapter 3 uploaded*

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

(this is my first written story so please be kind, and please post constructive criticism :D)

(Prologue)

When I was 16, my dad and I were working on fixing our personal generator. When we started it up, something had gone wrong and it sparked a gas explosion. My dad had only enough time to attempt to protect me from the blast, but he was far too late. The explosion hurled shrapnel the size of kitchen knives in all directions. My dad died from the initial impact of the explosion, but the shrapnel found its way to the upper half of my body. The initial shock rendered me unfeeling to the cutting of flesh. I never even noticed that I had been hit until I instantly lost vision in my left eye. I didn’t even think about it, as I was too occupied in trying to wake my dad up. He had slumped over and was obviously not breathing. Unfortunately for me, as shock really began to set in, I passed out.
I woke up about 2 days later in a bright white hospital room. I was groggy and couldn't have stayed awake even if I had wanted to. I thought of my dad. I had known when I saw his body slumped next to the blast zone, that he had not survived. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek as I sunk back into sleep. When I awoke again 2 days later, the room was different then the first time. It looked more like a recovery room then a basic hospital room. I was confused and tired. I wanted answers and sleep, not particularly in that order. The doctor opened the door and walked in. Before I even had time to start asking my questions, he put his hand up to signal me to halt. He began to explain what happened. The explosion had severely wounded my eye, so much in fact that they had to remove it. The surgery had taken place while I was still knocked out. During his explanation, I suddenly noticed the large bandage covering my left eye, and the startling feeling of...having no left eye. He began talking to me about getting something like a glass eye to fill the hole. I told him I didn’t want anything to fill it. I had plans for it. The doctor walked away mumbling something about kids getting weirder and weirder every day.
The recovery from my surgery took less time than I thought. I was released from the hospital 3 days after they had removed my eye. Since I refused the glass eye, the process took much less time, and I got a badass looking black eye-patch. I was forced to wear the bandage for a week after I was released, to let my eye socket fully heal. When I finally got home after being released, The first thing I noticed was my mom rushing to hug me with the force of a grizzly bear. She was crying, and I wasn't sure if it was for me, my dad, or for both. Apparently she had been busy while I was in the hospital. She told me that she had been looking for a new school for me to attend. I was confused at first, and then remembered that technically I did have a disability. Only having one eye caused me to have no depth perception. Technically I was half blind. I didn’t think it was going to be a huge deal, but apparently I had to change schools. My mom told me about a school called Yamaku. A school specially designed for disabled children. I didn’t mind the word disabled as much as other people seemed to. I wasn't exactly the most popular kid at my school, and the idea of a clean slate was intriguing. I told her it was ok with me and she left to go begin making phone calls and filling out paperwork. I was still tired as hell from my last 2 weeks, I went to bed, and slept for a day and a half.
I don't regret anything that happened that day. Why would I? I can't change it, so I won't dwell on it. I would just have to see how things would work out for me.
Last edited by AlphaWarMeister on Sat May 11, 2013 11:27 am, edited 3 times in total.
MutilatedManequin
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by MutilatedManequin »

Hmm... Are you going to turn this into an OC thing? If so, the character seems to fit the bill. Besides the formatting issue that may make it harder for the audience to read, the disability is belivable, but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
I do kinda want to see where it goes though.
There is a method to my madness, a random number of random steps done in no particular order to accomplish god knows what
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AlphaWarMeister
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

MutilatedManequin wrote:Hmm... Are you going to turn this into an OC thing? If so, the character seems to fit the bill. Besides the formatting issue that may make it harder for the audience to read, the disability is belivable, but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
I do kinda want to see where it goes though.
I appreciate the criticism. The thing about Zade is that unlike characters like Hisao and Hanako, he really does not care about his condition that much. He is driven more by accepting what has happened and moving on. That way I'm able to progress the storyline further without having him constantly set back by his disability. There will be times where he is, obviously having no depth perception will hamper his ability to do sports and other activities. Hisao's character was about learning to overcome the obstacles of his disability, but as this is an original work kind of in parallel to Hisao, I'm taking my own special approach :) Plus I have some awesome plans for Zade's eye socket :wink:
MutilatedManequin
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by MutilatedManequin »

AlphaWarMeister wrote:
MutilatedManequin wrote:Hmm... Are you going to turn this into an OC thing? If so, the character seems to fit the bill. Besides the formatting issue that may make it harder for the audience to read, the disability is belivable, but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
I do kinda want to see where it goes though.
I appreciate the criticism. The thing about Zade is that unlike characters like Hisao and Hanako, he really does not care about his condition that much. He is driven more by accepting what has happened and moving on. That way I'm able to progress the storyline further without having him constantly set back by his disability. There will be times where he is, obviously having no depth perception will hamper his ability to do sports and other activities. Hisao's character was about learning to overcome the obstacles of his disability, but as this is an original work kind of in parallel to Hisao, I'm taking my own special approach :) Plus I have some awesome plans for Zade's eye socket :wink:


Oh really? This sounds like what I'm doing with my OC. if your're going to make people stare, give them something to look at
I know someone with only one eye, but he went the glass eye route.
There is a method to my madness, a random number of random steps done in no particular order to accomplish god knows what
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Zykes
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by Zykes »

AlphaWarMeister wrote:I don't regret anything that happened that day. Why would I? I can't change it, so I won't dwell on it. I would just have to see how things would work out for me.
I am sort of interested in how this kind of personality will clash with others at Yamaku. I'm also curious about the reason he did not want the glass eye (unless it was because he wanted an eye patch, if so, than at least the reason is stated, hahaha)
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Staggering Harmony - OC Fanfic
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AlphaWarMeister
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

MutilatedManequin wrote:
AlphaWarMeister wrote:
MutilatedManequin wrote:Hmm... Are you going to turn this into an OC thing? If so, the character seems to fit the bill. Besides the formatting issue that may make it harder for the audience to read, the disability is belivable, but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
I do kinda want to see where it goes though.
I appreciate the criticism. The thing about Zade is that unlike characters like Hisao and Hanako, he really does not care about his condition that much. He is driven more by accepting what has happened and moving on. That way I'm able to progress the storyline further without having him constantly set back by his disability. There will be times where he is, obviously having no depth perception will hamper his ability to do sports and other activities. Hisao's character was about learning to overcome the obstacles of his disability, but as this is an original work kind of in parallel to Hisao, I'm taking my own special approach :) Plus I have some awesome plans for Zade's eye socket :wink:


Oh really? This sounds like what I'm doing with my OC. if your're going to make people stare, give them something to look at
I know someone with only one eye, but he went the glass eye route.


Well that's what I would have guessed. Most people who lose their eye would put something in it to fill the gap. But that's going to be one of my character's big quirks. He sees his injury as an interesting opportunity, instead of a crutch. Just you wait :lol:
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AlphaWarMeister
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

Zykes wrote:
AlphaWarMeister wrote:I don't regret anything that happened that day. Why would I? I can't change it, so I won't dwell on it. I would just have to see how things would work out for me.
I am sort of interested in how this kind of personality will clash with others at Yamaku. I'm also curious about the reason he did not want the glass eye (unless it was because he wanted an eye patch, if so, than at least the reason is stated, hahaha)
Oh don't worry. His reason for not wanting a glass eye is going to be a big part of his character design (and I'm so hoping for some good reactions :lol: )
LegyPlegy
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by LegyPlegy »

Very interesting prologue, although the formatting is a bit weird and monotonous. Since you're using 1st person, to make it easier for the reader, I'd suggest using something akin to script format or prose (Sorry, I don't know much about writing), and separating the character's thoughts from the actions, for lack of a better term. Maybe even italicizing the thoughts could help as well.
It is quite an interesting character development, though. I'm very much willing to read on c;

This is my first attempt at constructive criticism, so please don't hate me ;-;
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AlphaWarMeister
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

LegyPlegy wrote:Very interesting prologue, although the formatting is a bit weird and monotonous. Since you're using 1st person, to make it easier for the reader, I'd suggest using something akin to script format or prose (Sorry, I don't know much about writing), and separating the character's thoughts from the actions, for lack of a better term. Maybe even italicizing the thoughts could help as well.
It is quite an interesting character development, though. I'm very much willing to read on c;

This is my first attempt at constructive criticism, so please don't hate me ;-;
Ya the formatting got all weird when I posted it to the forums for some reason. I'll try to fix that in Chapter 1. The way I'm doing the tenses of the text is that the prologue was in past tense, to explain his back story. The rest of it will be 1st person present tense while he goes about his life at Yamaku. I'm glad you are enjoying it so far :)
Guestimate
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by Guestimate »

MutilatedManequin wrote:but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
Gonna have to agree here. Not angsting about the eye I can believe, loosing one's father, not so much.
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AlphaWarMeister
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

Guestimate wrote:
MutilatedManequin wrote:but the character so far is a mannequin bad-um tish, very robotic in his acceptance of a dead daddy.
Gonna have to agree here. Not angsting about the eye I can believe, loosing one's father, not so much.
It's not that he doesn't care, but he is painfully realistic. He knows that there is nothing he can do about it. He showed sadness about it in the hospital, and he will again in the future when he gets closer with one of the girls. Similar to Emi and her father. I understand it looks weird so far, but this was just to explain backstory. Stick with it and it will get better... I hope :lol:
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by Oddball »

I can't can't buy into the fact that he'd just go, "Oh, I'm missing an eye and my dad's dead. Que Sera, Sera."

There a difference between being realistic and accepting you can't change something and being robotic and incapable of feeling basic human emotion.

Your guy seems to fall into the later category.
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story)

Post by Mirage_GSM »

Agree with Oddball here.

Also... "Zade Wither"?
Why does it always have to be a foreigner? Most reasons why he should be in Japan have either been done to the death or are extremely contrieved.
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AlphaWarMeister
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Chapter 1

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

Chapter 1

“An interesting design for a gate,” I’m standing in front of the gate to Yamaku, staring at the ironclad designs.

“Very interesting,” As I walk through it I take a look at my new school. Very normal looking. For being a school for the disabled, I expected it to look much different, more hospitily. I begin walking toward the front door, where I see a mass of humanity entering the schoolhouse. I begin thinking to myself again. I took off my bandages yesterday, and am now wearing my eye-patch.

“I think I have an idea for my empty socket,” I say to myself.

I was told that I should go see the nurse as soon as I can. I wonder where his office is. I wonder if I'm going to have to take some weird medicine to keep my eye socket from filling with puss or something. Nasty. Well he won't be able to yell at me health wise. I kept pretty healthy by running by myself a lot. I really enjoy running, but I've noticed how it is hampered by only having one eye. A whole lot more running into things, and a lot less...running. Well, at least I...

“Ouch!” It appears I have been paying too much attention to my thoughts, and not to my vision, causing me to run into someone.

“Ahh jeez, I’m sorry about that, not paying enough attention. My name’s Zade,” As I look up I see a relatively tall, purple haired girl standing in front of me. She doesn’t appear to be hurt, but instead looks terrified, staring at me with big, pretty light purple eyes

“I-It’s okay, I’m H-H-Hanako,” she says at level of audio only audible because of the new found dead silence. I notice that she has some serious scars going on on her right side. Probably best not to bring them up unless she is comfortable with them, but seeing her panicking because of a simple discussion, I’m guessing that she’s not.

“You alright?” I ask her, hoping to god I haven't already injured someone.

“I-I’m f-fine,” she responds timidly. She stares at my face intently for a few seconds and before I even have time to react she takes off running toward the door. I think I see her turn to look at me for a millisecond, but It was probably just my imagination. Or my bad vision. Or maybe even both, but who knows. I’m just hoping to get to class without bulldozing any more students. I think one is a good quota for my first day.

I look at the piece of paper that tells me what classroom I’m going to. Room 3-2, a special classroom for blind and mostly blind people. Well this will be interesting. Gotta have a positive attitude, or things won’t go anywhere good. First things first though, I need to meet some people and make some friends. If I don’t have anyone to hang out with, I might die of boredom. Or explode. Or explode from boredom...Ehh that one sounded better in my head the first time. Glad it never left.

I make my way up the staircase to the third floor, where My classroom is located. as I begin down the hallway, I’m met with the creepiest picture I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

“Good god what in the hell is that even supposed to be?” I ask to no one in particular.

“Ya man, It’s hideous,” say a voice from behind me. I almost jump, having not known that there was anyone there.

I whip my head around to see the body to which the voice belonged to. I’m staring down what appears to be a Harry Potter cos-player. He is wearing very large, thick glasses and a large red and gold scarf. He must be at least partially blind to have glasses that thick. I wonder if he can even see through them.

“Hey dude, I’m Kenji, how’s it going?” he asks with an outstretched hand, pointing somewhere a little to my right.

I take it and shake. He has a pretty damn firm handshake considering how skinny he is.

"I don't think I've seen you here before... Are you knew?" He inquires as he leans in so close I almost fall backward.

"Ya, just transferred. Apparently you can't go to normal school with only one eye," I say with a light laugh, trying to regain my balance.

"Let me guess, you are headed to room 3-2."

"How did you...oh that's right, it's a special class for mostly blind, and let me guess..."

"Guess what?" He asked as he stares intently at me.

"You're mostly blind aren't you?"

"We'll no shit Sherlock. Why else would I wear glasses. Man are you sure you don't have something wrong with your head?" He seemed almost offended by the question.

"So I guess we're headed to the same class. Mind showing me the way?"

"Naw man, not at all," his mood seems to have changed almost instantaneously.

"Cool thanks." He starts leading the way. He seems like a chill enough guy, if you don't ask the wrong questions of course. Well at least I'm going to find my room pretty easily. All in all, things could be going worse.
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Re: Zade Wither (My own KS story) *Chapter 1 uploaded*

Post by AlphaWarMeister »

Chapter 2

It didn't take too long to reach the classroom. Kenji seems to know his way around the school pretty well for being partially blind. He opens a door and walks through quickly. I follow at a slower pace as I scan around the room at all the people around. It is a pretty average size room, but it comfortably fits the 16 or so students sitting in it. At the front of the class stands a tall, blond haired girl. As i enter behind Kenji, she turns toward the door, scanning with big hazy blue eyes.

“Hello, might I ask who just entered,” she asks, very calm and collected. before I have time to respond, Kenji is already answering.

“It’s just me Satou, oh and the new guy,” he says dismissing her and walking to what I will assume is his desk.

“Oh my, I’m very sorry, I forgot all about getting a new student. We have been very busy cleaning up from our festival a few days ago,” She seems genuinely upset about forgetting.

“Don’t worry about it. You guys do seem to be pretty busy, so I’ll let it slide. But only this time,” I say smirking, sarcasm evident in my voice. She picks up on it and smiles.

“Well how admirable of you. Welcome to class 3-2. I’m Lilly Satou, the class rep. As I’m sure you already know this is a class specifically tailored to those with less than adequate vision.” It’s true, I already know this. When my mom and I found out about this school, we found that anyone admitted with some kind of sight disability would be admitted to a special class. This must of been what they meant.

“Now as a basic introduction may I ask your name, and why you are in this class?” I have no problem telling her. But anyone with even bad vision would be able to answer that question by themselves just by looking at me. I’m going to make a mental note that says that she is probably completely blind.

“Ya, I’m Zade Wither, I lost my left eye in a shrapnel explosion. Left me a little cut up in the face.” haven't really had to explain this to many people. Most of my situation is pretty obvious to onlookers.

“Oh my that’s terrible. I’m so sorry” Already making people feel bad. Wonderful. I’ll just lighten the mood a bit.

“Ehh don’t even worry about it. It’s not too bad, and hey, I get this awesome eye-patch,” I say with a smile, until I realize how futile that is. She gives a small chuckle.

“Well it has been a pleasure to meet you Zade, and I do hope you find the class accommodating. I do believe that class will begin soon,” sure enough a short while later the bell rings and the teacher walks in. I am about to head to my desk when I realize that I don’t have one. I would really prefer to avoid any awkward speech about myself at the front of class if at all possible. I walk to the teachers desk, hoping to avoid too much social contact for now.

“Excuse me sir, but I’m new to the class, and I don’t have a seat yet. Would It be possible to get one without all the awkward self speech stuff?”

“Of course, you can take the open seat in the third row. I understand all about not liking introductions. Not such a fan of them myself. And call me Suhasi son, no need for formalities,” he says in almost a joking tone of voice. It’s almost hard to tell if he’s being serious.

“Thank you si... Suhasi,” Jesus that’s awkward sounding. I walk over to my new desk and take a seat. The first class is Chemistry, so at least I won’t be bored.
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