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Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:05 am
by Negativedarke
Well it may also be supressed to by all her insecurities. I think any time he can get her to truly forget about her scars and trauma and just be is a happy thing for Hisao.

On Hisao and Hanako taking a shower together. I can see the first time it happens as being her coming into the shower after him, and staying behind him washing his back and not letting him get a look at her.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:16 am
by pandaphil
Negativedarke wrote:Well it may also be supressed to by all her insecurities. I think any time he can get her to truly forget about her scars and trauma and just be is a happy thing for Hisao.

On Hisao and Hanako taking a shower together. I can see the first time it happens as being her coming into the shower after him, and staying behind him washing his back and not letting him get a look at her.
Taking showers together always struck me as kinda sweet, so I really like this idea. A nervous Hanako asking Hisao to keep his eyes closed as she steps into the shower.

I'm not sure if it'll happen in this particular story though.

I guess 'sweet' pretty much describes this collection. I confess I really have a difficult time imagining sexual scenes with Hanako. It just doesn't feel right. I don't know, maybe I'm wierd. Or maybe its a side-effect of KDS. :)

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:23 pm
by vampiricmalice
sexual scenes are not really necessary in some fics, and i think this story can get away not having any if it becomes too problematic

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:05 pm
by Negativedarke
It depends on the story and how it's told. And in some cases it's not about sex, but the relationship. The shower example I gave isn't really about sex so much as it is about Hanako and Hisao trusting each other, and Hanako becoming more open where Hisao is concerned. Basicly outgrowing her fears about how he'd react to her body, and accepting that his reactions will be positive.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:50 pm
by pandaphil
Yes, thats pretty much the point I want to get across. Her washing his back, maybe even hugging and getting herself used to the idea. It'll likely be similar in tone to the first sex scene in Sisterhood, though hopefully without ripping it off. If I could capture even some of Guest Posters ability to make her a sexual person without loosing her essential cuteness, I could die a happy writer.

Oh, and a quick heads up. I'm rewriting my first chapter in a proper storytelling format and should be uploading it soon. Its currently being proofread.

Next chapter should follow soon after and things take a more serious turn as Hanako's birthday rolls around again.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:19 pm
by vampiricmalice
i think that the first sex scene in sisterhood was as meaningful as it was because we see Hanako's point of view during all of it. if we see her reasoning she can still have her "essential cuteness" through all of it.
still keep it up, its getting better :)

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:34 am
by pandaphil
Okay, I've re-written and replaced the first chapter with a better version. Feel free to have a look.

Having a few second thoughts about the direction I've taken this story. I've tried to let Hanako have as much independence as I can manage. She and Hisao have a healthy romantic life, she goes running, posts and hangs out on the internet, contributes a little money toward bills, does her share of the cooking, and the chores, but I worry that things like the lotion treatments, and Akira giving her free clothes and her just hanging around the house not really moving forward in her life might be contributing to her continued feelings of being coddled when I really want to see her become more independent and better.

I don't know, am I really taking this in the right direction?

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:32 am
by YZQ
Just be comfortable with what you write. I always maintain that Hanako's conditions will change drastically, depending on whether she gets her Eureka moment.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:21 pm
by Brogurt
Just because it's not a positive direction doesn't mean it's not a viable direction

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:55 pm
by Negativedarke
Well if you feel you have a problem with how your doing things, at least you know what it is. The next question is how do you address it? There are varoious things you could do. For example since the others are doing things for Hanako, what might she do for them? And most of the stories thus far have been when Hanako and Hisao are together. What happens with her when he's not around? And having a healthy romantic relationship is a big step forward in her life. So what other steps has she taken? After all being independent doesn't mean pushing all those who care about you away. And another big thing you could deal with is what happens when she meets his parents. I sure plan on touching on that at some point.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:59 am
by YZQ
I think one thing Hisao could do for Hanako is to let her know that she need not bother about other people's opinion of her (even Hisao's). She doesn't need (or want) to be Miss Popular. He could help initiate the thought process in her that she had been worrying about how others see her for too long. It's her life and she should be in control.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:36 am
by pandaphil
I've been thinking about it a bit, and I'm thinking that Hanako's official 'job' is as Lilly's live-in companion. i.e helping her with shopping, finding her way around new locations, etc. With her starting college soon, and Hisao busy with his own classes, Lilly could use someone to help guide her around the new school

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:44 am
by YZQ
That will depend on how much Lily is willing to depend on Hanako. One thing that probably irks Lily the most is to be "helpless" and needing the help of others.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:57 am
by pandaphil
YZQ wrote:That will depend on how much Lily is willing to depend on Hanako. One thing that probably irks Lily the most is to be "helpless" and needing the help of others.
True, she did say she usually has Hanako help her with the shopping. So I don't think she'd have that much of a problem with is. I can imagine Lilly thinking of it a good excuse to help her friend out without making Hanako feel she was bother, or mooching.

Even Lilly would have to admit that moving to a new school and new town would be tough for a blind person without help.

Re: Hanako/Hisao post-Yamaku fics

Posted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 7:26 pm
by pandaphil
Hey everybody! Well I'm back with yet another chapter. Sorry it took so long. Work on my art projects has really kept me from doing much writing. Worse, I actually had a chapter all written up that was about twice as long. But my friendly proofreader advised me to cut back on the rambling and tighten it up. So after an almost total rewrite, here we are. As always, comments are welcome.


Chapter IV

It's quite late at night when I find myself blinking awake. It take me a minute come fully awake and realize I'm hearing the sounds of water running in the bathroom sink and Hanako crying. My first instinct is to leap out of bed and go to her. But then I remember what day it is and stop myself. Its Satuday morning. One day until her birthday. As much as I want to I've learned from bitter experience not to interfere when she's like this. At best she'd brush me off, and tell me she's fine. At worst? I'd been on the receiving end of her anger if she felt I was coddling or babying her too much, and it was something I didn't want to experience again. There were some things, no matter how much I want to, that I can't help her with. But it was still painful to see her this way, and just aggrivated my own insecurities about what Hanako and I meant to each other. We were a lot alike in that way.

So I lay there on my back in the darkness listening. The bitter sound of her tears cutting into my heart like a knife, her tortured sobs tearing me apart until at some point my brain succumbed to sheer weariness.

The morning alarm finds her back in her usual spot. But instead of lying close, she's on the far side of the bed, her back turned to me.
She barely acknowledges when I roll over to touch her shoulder. Her body feels almost rigid to the touch.

"Hanako honey? Are you all right?"

She just nods her head under the covers and curls even tighter into a ball. "I-I'm fine...." Her girlish voice is barely audible. "Just need to sleep."

So I give her shoulder a squeeze and leave her. Going through the motions of taking my pills, doing my run, showering, and eating breakfast. The usual morning routine. At least Hanako gets up long enough for me to apply her burn medication, but only lifting the back of her shirt to grudgingly let me reach where she can't. I try to be as tender as I can, but she doesn't seem to take any pleasure in it at all, shrugging away from my touch as soon as I finish with her back. I can tell from the puffiness around her eyes that she's probably barely slept at all.

So I catch the bus to work at the print shop in probably the darkest mood possible. Thankfully it's just a day of doing simple page layouts, and running the copiers. Basic print shop tasks that at least keep my mind occupied. I barely even have to talk to anybody. It turns out to be a slow day after all and once I finish the order I head home early.

The house is far too quiet when I arrive, and I can tell that things aren't good.

Normally Hanako would be concentrating on some RPG on the Playstation, or chatting, or playing chess with Lilly. At the very least there should be music playing or the sounds of dinner beign prepared. But today? Nothing. Everything is opressively quiet. Lilly sit's alone in the living room, her fingers moving across the pages of one of her braille novels. She looks up with a start as I enter the blissful coolness of the house and close the door behind me. Her worried expression tells me everything I need to know as I set down my backpack.

"Hisao?" she looks up, gazing at nothing.

"Yeah, hi Lilly. Are you okay? Is Hanako..."

She shakes her head, looking nearly as depressed as I feel. "Exactly like last year. She hasn't left her room at all today. I took some lunch to her earlier, but she never spoke,and I've no idea if she's even touched it. I heard her listening to her fovorite song earlier, but mostly it's been quiet." She sounds totally defeated.

I flop down into the couch next to her, my hand on my forehead. Lilly brushe's her hand across the couch feeling for mine. I see her and reach down to take it in mine. At this point I think we could both use the mutual support. "Hasao. We've been through this before you know. It takes time. You saw yourself how excited she was about the anniversary party" She smiles tenderly. "You should have seen her earlier this week. I've never seen her so excited. The anniversary is all she could talk about. She's even determined to bake a cake for the celebration. I can't believe she'd give up all of that so easily."

I sigh, not feeling much enthusiasm. "I know. It's only, with all we've done...I hoped she'd be over this by now. Better somehow. I feel like I...we've failed her."

"I know Hisao, believe me I do. But we've talked about this, she isn't going to be better overnight. We've both known since graduation that helping her was going to be a challenge. It's hard enough getting our own lives in order, much less helping her with hers. And you have to admit, she's done very well these few months. One small backslide isn't the end of everything."

I can't keep the bitter tone from my voice no matter how much I try. "You've just repeated everything you've said to me a dozen times since we moved in together, and I know, you're right." I slam my fist on my leg, feeling terribly frustrated. "I really am hopeless aren't I? Sometimes I feel more like her father than her boyfriend."

Lily shakes her head slowly, smiling. "It's just how you are Hisao. You care. So do I. It's how we both are. None of us have ever had a real family life, so we're trying to form our own to compensate. But you of all people know that we can't be like that. You know how much she hates that."

I can only nod in agreement. She's right of course. I have to learn to love her withouth smothering her. Or else...

We sit in silence for awhile as she gently loosens her grip on my hand. Neither of us really knowing what else to say. Perhaps changing the subject to something more hopeful would help?

"I found a place near work where I can rent a suit for Wednesday,I hope it's fancy enough for this restaurant of yours."

Lilly giggles. A wonderfully pleasant sound that I've missed the past few days. "Oh Hisao, you worry too much. I'm sure it will be fine. You and Hanako are going to have a marvelous time, enjoy a lovely meal, and spend some time alone together, just as you should. Akira and I have gone there for years for all our holidays and special occassions." She seeks out my hand again and gives it a squeeze, as if the physical contact somehow makes us closer. "And now, I want to share it with my best friends."

I squeeze her fingers in return, smiling at the sheer warmth in her tone. I really wish Hanako was here to share this moment with us. "Thank you for treating us Lilly." I was going to take her to Kareoke until Lilly stepped in. "I don't think I could afford something that fancy myself. It means a lot to the both of us."

"It's my gift Hisao." Her smile mirrors the deep affection in her soft voice. "I love you both very much, and theres nothing I want more than for you to be happy together." I see a bit of red tint her cheeks as she clears her throat nervously. "Now, tell me," She suddenly turns enthusiastic. "What are you getting her? I know it's terribly rude to pry, but I'd love to know, and I promise I won't say a word."

I rub the back of my head a bit nervously. "Oh. Well, it's kind of complicated." I go over the story as briefly as I can. About the ten year old magazine I'd found last year at Yamaku, and the photo. I describe the phone calls to the publisher, the e-mails trying to track down the photographer, and my desperate hope that they'll return my call soon.

Lilly nods sagely as she listens to my plan. "Are you sure something like that is safe? I'm not sure how she's liable to react."

"I honestly have no idea. But I haven't been able to get that photo out of my head since I saw it. I would have gotten it for her sooner, but with graduation, exams, introducing Hanako to my folks, and moving in here, it just sort of fell between the cracks. I want to give Hanako something meaningful, and this is the most personal gift I can think of. it's either that, or that copy of Lord of the Rings I found at the bookstore. And I'm still hanging onto that as a contingency plan."

The next hour or so goes by in a blur of pointless small talk, as we struggle to discuss anything except Hanako. I check my phone. Damnit, still no reply to my e-mails. it's been three days. Surely I should have heard back from the magazine by now. Maybe I should resend my request?

Dinnertime arrives and I tell Lilly to stay put and go to heat up the previous nights rice and fish curry. I prepare enough for three, hoping in vain that the smell of food simmering will coax Hananko out of hiding. No luck. Lilly prepares tea as usual and she and I end up eating alone, even though neither of us has much of an appetite.
By the time we finish, it's getting pretty late. Lilly starts to yawn as we do the dishes together, and Lilly eventually excuses herself.

"I'll be making evening tea tomorrow if you'd care to join me? It might do us both good."

"Sure, that'd be great."

"But please Hisao, try not to worrydon't worry. I'm certain Hanako will be better on Monday."

"Maybe" It's her birthday tomorrow, so I seriously doubt she'll make an appearance then. "Night Lilly."

"Goodnight Hisao." She catches the edge of the stair railing, guiding herself up to the second floor and her room. I hear her door close with a sharp click.

I sprawl out on the couch and try to lose myself in an astronomy book from the library, but it's really hard to concentrate on all the technical jargon. And frankly, my hearts just not in it and I put it away after a few minutes. I dig my phone out of my pocket and give my e-mail yet another look. Still nothing. Maybe I'll be buying her that book after all. I drop the phone on the table and get to my feet. I've got to do something before I lose it.

My eyes have been drawn to the stairs all night, anxious for any sound, or sign of movement from upstairs. Maybe I would be okay if I just checked on her. Hanako's got to be hungry by now.

I warm up what's left of dinner, doing my best to make my cooking look as appetizing as possible, grabbing a bottle of her favorite juice from the fridge and add a couple of cookies to the tray. As a final thought, I scrounge around in the kitchen junk drawer and find an old notepad. Going to my backpack, I burrow around inside, finally finding a pen down at the bottom and return to the kitchen to scribble a brief note.


I won't pretend to know what you're feeling,

but I want you to know that I'll be here for you.

You're my best friend, and I love you, and there are

times when I don't think I could make it through the day

without your help.

Please come back. I miss you.


I have a strange knotted feeling in my stomach as I write all that. I know I'm not very good at expressing myself, and I know it's sappy, and silly, but I hope maybe it will help in some small way.

I fold the note in half before I change my mind, and tuck it partway beneath her plate.

I make my way up the dark stairs, dinner tray in hand to our room where I knock lightly at the painted wood door. No answer. Not that I really expected one. she's been silent all night. At the least I expected to hear "A Thousand Years", her favorite song, at least once.
There's no lock on the door, so I push down on the handle and bump it open cautiously with my foot and step inside. I feel tense all over, not really knowing what I'm liable to find.

"Hanako?" This all feels painfully familiar. The room is mostly dark except for a small desk lamp. I notice with some relief that theres an empty plate on the nightstand. At least she's not gone hungry. I'm actually surprised that she isn't in bed. Instead, she's sitting at her desk absently pecking at her keyboard with one finger, healf-heartedly working on something that I avoid peeking at.

"Hi there." I say as pleasantly as I can. "I brought you some dinner."

"Oh. Okay thanks." Her voice sounds small, exhausted. She doesn't even look up from her keyboard.

I move some things aside on my desk and set the food tray down there, since hers is far too cluttered with books and papers to fit. Then I just stand there, feeling like an idiot, knowing I should leave her alone, but unable to pull myself away. Feeling like I need to say something.
I resort to rearrange a stack of books on my desk. "Do you need any-"

Her finger grows still on the keyboard, the silence suddenly acute as she lets out a breath "Please...Don't." she says. She doesn't sound angry, nor frustrated, just very, very tired. "You and Lilly are worried about me aren't you?" She starts to raise her voice, sounding almost frightened. "Well, you can both just stop it. Go be with Lilly. I'm not worth-" She can't finish the sentence as her voice breaks. Her gaze drops to the keyboard in front of her as she takes a breath, composing herself, her eyes closed.

"Hisao. Just...leave me alone, please!" Her voice grates harshly as she finishes, her voice pleading.

"Alright...I..I'm sorry Hanako." I stammer helplessly. I leave the tray and retreat quickly, not wanting to upset her any more than I already have. Memories of her explosive anger the last time I ignored her wishes come rushing back. I kick myself for failing so miserably as I move to the door and slip out into the hallway, pulling it shut behind me, I lean agaisnt the wall, my heart pounding like a drum, feeling numb all over. I stand there breathing, in and out, trying to force my pounding heart return to normal before I dare move.
I meet Lilly standing in the partly open doorway of her room. Neither of us says a thing, she simply nods, looking incredibly sad. She closes her door as I pass. All I feel is a numb sensation all over.

I leave Hanako's empty dishes to soak in the sink. I'll deal with them tomorrow. I don't have the energy for this now. I flop down on the couch and just lie there for a long time, letting my mind wander. Why the hell don't I ever listen to my own advice?

After what happened, theres no way I'm going to try to sleep with Hanako. Despite the lingering warmth in the room, I dig a lightweight blanket out of the back of the closet and go back upstairs to borrow a pillow from Lilly, I turn the tv down low and crash on the couch.

I sit up pretty late into the night, not even watching the tv despite the various programs droning in the background. I finally just get sick of the noise and switch it off, giving my pillow a good hard punch in frustration as I roll over, still angry at myself.
I gaze up at the darkened ceiling as if the answer is written there somewhere. No such luck. There are always times like now when the struggle against Hanako's despair seems too big for either of us. But if I can lose faith sometimes,it must be even worse for her. She's dealt with a lifetime of other peoples pity, only being nice to her out of a sense of obligation while treating her like an outsider, or even worse, some sort of monster the rest of the time. I'd only ever had a brief taste of it when I was in the hospital and I'd hated it. A lifetime of living like that would destroy anyones faith in humanity, and in themselves.
She had every right to be angry at the world, and yet, buried under all that fear and self-hatred was a strong will struggling to free itself. I'd seen it enough times to know it was there. The time she'd joined the newspaper club. Our first kiss, and the first time she'd said "I love you" out loud. The day she walked right up to my parents and introduced herself as my girlfriend. The time she'd nearly gotten caught sneaking into my dorm to spend the night with me. Her agreeing to live with me, and start running. Getting her first article published online, and her plans to start college next year. It would be nice to take some of the credit for her accomplishments, but those had all been her doing. Sure it was hard sometimes. but I hadn't fallen in love with her because it was convenient.

I give a derisive sniff. Well, that was all nice, warm fuzzy crap but I was still sleeping on the couch. And Hanako was isolating herself in her room. Hating herself, and probably crying herself to sleep and wanting nothing to do with me.
I find myself angrily brushing back unwanted tears from my eyes. Maybe it's like Lilly said once, we really were just kids pretending to be grown-up, living our little storybook lives, but in the end it's all just one big lie.
I look up at the old wooden mantle clock and cringe. It was well after midnight, and no sign of my getting to sleep anytime soon. Thank God I wasn't working in the morning. I sigh in disgust and throw my arm over my eyes. "Happy birthday Hanako."

I must have eventually dozed off because I'm awakened in the dark by a creak on the stairs. Lilly? It must be pretty late since the air in the room is downright chilly. Someone is moving in measured steps across the carpet. I can make out a pale figure, like a ghost gliding across the room til it gets close enough for me to recognize Hanako in her old fuzzy pink nightgown, moving hesitantly, step by step to where I lie.

I hold my breath as she moves around the side of the couch to stand in front of me, silently watching me as I lie there. I'm not even sure she knows I'm awake, but she doesn't react at all when I sit up in the darkness.
I can't imagine what's going through her mind right now, but I'm just very happy to see her. The room is just light enough for me to see her face as she looks down at me, expressionless. I return her gaze, barely daring to breath again for fear this might turn out to be a dream.
But it's not a dream, I know it. I gaze up into her eyes, neither of us needing words as I lift the blanket and hold it open for her. She stands there for awhile longer. Then gingerly, she sit's down to the edge of the couch and slips her feet under the covers. There isn't much room for two out here, the narrowness of the couch forcing us to curl up together. It reminds me of the old dorm beds where sleeping together had been such a pleasant challenge. I smile, looking down at my sweet Hanako, curled against my chest, breathing softly, her eyes closed as I pull the blanket over us. My cheek presses against her hair, and I can feel the slight dampness of her sleeve as I slip my arm comfortingly around her. She nestles against me, letting out a comforted sigh and I feel her lips gently brush the back of my hand. It's the most wonderful sensation in the world. I can smell her, feel her warmth, and I know that she's come back to me from the depths of despair.

"Welcome back."