OC: Mirrors and Windows. Chapter 12 Updated

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supanova
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OC: Mirrors and Windows. Chapter 12 Updated

Post by supanova » Wed Mar 06, 2013 1:27 pm

Hello there, first time writing so I'm not sure how this will turn out, but hopefully I'll prove entertaining enough. I apologize for having a slow opening, but that's apparently how i write. Any criticism is welcome, provided its constructive, and if possible I would like someone to ask someone to be a proof reader/critic. Other than that, here is my attempt at story writing.

chapter 1

Slam! I've always hated cars, but I've got to get around somehow. I stretch my much too long constricted muscles and look up, gazing at the iron gates guarding my new home. My future.

“ Once again Mr Novire regrets deeply that he can’t be here in person to see you off Master Richard, however I’m afraid his new position does not give him much leeway into personal affairs.”

I turn to face my well-spoken chaperone. I’m used to such a distant manner of speech, even from my family after my ‘incident’. No-one wants to be friendly with a freak, especially with such a huge visual deterrent. This isn't going to get me down though, not today. It’s a way to start my own path, away from whatever past I’m carrying.

“It’s alright. Can you tell Dad thanks for organizing the trip? I’ll be seeing him in the holidays. Also thanks personally for the ride, the trains would have been a nightmare.” I respond. Never did actually learn the man's name, however I’m sure I wouldn't be seeing him again anytime soon. Some low-end worker drone from Dad’s work trying to gain some extra credit. He’s always abusing them.

After saying our farewells, I enter the foreboding gateway. Yamaku academy, a school for people who need as they say “a little extra help on the way.” How very politically correct. A school for rejects, cripples and monsters would be far more appropriate, especially in my case. At the very least the grounds seem to be pleasant enough. Plenty of trees, well maintained gardens, a nightmare for hay fever sufferers but a welcome replacement for the traffic and concrete I’m all too familiar with.

I drag my bags halfheartedly to the signposted dorms. My whole past fits rather nicely into a backpack and a travelers suitcase, which whilst being depressing during my packing has become a godsend right now. Everywhere seems to have ramp access too, though as much seemed obvious for the less able-bodied students inevitably here.

Obtaining my room keys was simple enough, although the receptionist gave the most repulsed look I've ever seen. No, I can't focus on it. That Isn't why I came here! Fortunately, having arrived at an hour I've only ever heard of in legends, no other students seem to be around. The empty corridors make finding my room pain-free too. Seems to be 4 shared rooms, and letting my curiosity get the best of me I sneak a look at my new flatmates. A Setou,Kenji. a free room, and another free room? A set of 4 holes in the door tell me it was used recently, guy must have dropped out early. Guess the school isn't all gumdrops and rainbows.

It doesn't take me long to get into my room though. Bare-bones is an understatement, just a bed and a desk. Suppose there's a shared bathroom here, that's one of Japan's things right? Just another bullet point on things to get used to. Still as rooms go there's plenty of space and tonnes of potential. I could get used to this.
Last edited by supanova on Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:48 pm, edited 10 times in total.
a cameo a chapter. that's the plan! Apologies for the inexperience.

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LorSquirrel
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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by LorSquirrel » Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:37 pm

Not much to say at this point, its a little short for an introductory chapter, other than that you get a hundred awesome points for the angel beats profile pic :)

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forgetmenot
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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by forgetmenot » Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:00 pm

My two cents:

There are a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there, although not so terrible as to be distracting in their own right. For example,
...my well-spoken chaperon...
should be chaperone, and
...that's one of Japans things right?
should be "...that's one of Japan's things, right?"
However, it's mostly fine. You seem to have a good grasp of vocabulary as well, which'll serve you well in future writing.

The larger problem here, and it's a problem with a lot of other fics on this board, is that it seems like you're taking an OC and simply replacing Hisao with him. This leads to a very boring introduction to your story, because everyone here has basically already read it. I'm not sure why it always seems like it's foreigners arriving at Yamaku, either. Be careful your character isn't simply a Gary Stu; a way for you to inject yourself into the story.

There are hints as to what's different here, though, which I surmise means you've put a decent amount of thought into your writing. My suggestion: write more! Be more descriptive, add a few events unique to your character's arrival. This is a very, very short chapter, short enough to not be able to give much of an impression to your reader. You might, honestly, be able to get away with starting your story a few weeks after your character's arrival at Yamaku, if you don't have much planned other than character establishment for the other students at Yamaku in the same fashion as the original VN.

Just thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em.

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supanova
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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by supanova » Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:53 pm

Yeah I thought this was longer when I was writing it but never mind. Got part 2 below. If someone can tell me how to link to my posts in this forum it would be a great help, I'm definitely not forum familiar. Anyway, things should start picking up a bit now.

chapter 2

Unpacking goes by relatively quickly, but before I know it It’s time for class. Fortunately I’m already wearing my uniform, having changed into it before leaving for Yamaku in the first place, so I end up grabbing a nearby can of energy drink to keep myself awake, a handful of my books and head out the door.

By this point some of the other students have started massing in the grounds. Not too much to be a problem, I bring my collar up to block my face and walk quickly straight into the school. I’m not ready to be seen just yet. Thankfully It’s not far, and gives me plenty of time to find my class. 3-3. What's waiting for me is a slouched, tired looking figure I can only assume will be my teacher.

“You’re Richard Novire right? I’m Mutou your new homeroom teacher. I’ll also be taking you for science classes. I got advanced notice about your ‘appearance’, I assure you it’s nothing that will be a problem here. Everyone’s got their own challenges to tackle, the keys just taking them one step at a time correct?” Mutou chants, I wonder if he says this to all the new students to acquaint them, or if I’m a special case.

“Yes that's me,” I look off to the side whilst replying. I’m sure it’s noticed but I think its taken as nervousness rather than anything else. “Is there some special procedure for speaking to the class? My Japanese isn't so bad due to my supplementary classes before I moved, but I’m still not too familiar with customs,” I ask, hoping I didn't offend anyone already.

“Of course not, you’re free to introduce yourself to the class if you want, otherwise you are free to sit down ready for class. You are a bit early though, so you’re going to attract attention either way I’m afraid.”

He makes a fair point.

“Is it possible for me to come into the class after everyone? I want my first impression to be on even ground. Besides having people come up to me individually will be a bit awkward for quick introductions before class.” This is of course a lie, I simply don’t want to socialize just yet. I've only just entered the school after all, but I’m not sure Mutou will appreciate it. Plus, I get to gauge people's reactions all at once.

“It’s a little unorthodox, however I think that will be fine. Just wait in the storage room over there, I will catch your attention when class starts.”

The next 10 minutes are the longest 10 minutes of my life. Stomps, idle chatter and strange clacking kill whatever silence there is in the small room I've agreed to hide in until:

“Novire, we’re ready for you.”

I steel what resolve I have and walk into the classroom. I've never been the bravest of men, so I look straight ahead until I reach the center of the room, avoiding any and all eye contact. Taking a deep breath, I turn to face the class.

A wave of gasps and revolted groans wash over the classroom, but I know exactly why. They were expecting a normal face, not 80% of one. A gaping hole right where my right cheek should be is exactly where every eyeball in the class is making a direct path. My jawline is fully visible even with my mouth closed, ever since my fight with a doberman a couple of years ago, and no-one ever makes eye contact with me since.

I stand there almost shaking, I was expecting, hoping for someone else to be like me. All i can see however are a group of kids. Some are missing limbs, others have glasses or a cane, but each and every one of them looks somewhat normal, and are looking at me like a science accident. Seems even amongst the disabled I’m repulsive. A hand on my shoulder quickly knocks me back to my senses, with a somewhat displeased Mutou looking out to the class.

“This is Richard Novine. He is here, same as any of you to learn, and I want you to treat him with the same respect and dignity as anyone. Novine, care to say a few words?” Mutou asks me with genuine concern. Seems being shook up was more apparent than i thought. Well I’m here now, should at least make some effort.

“Hello. Im Richard, oh wait you use surnames first. Im Novine Richard, and I’ve moved to Japan recently from England due to my Dad’s work. Im still not used to Japanese customs, but I know the language well enough to hopefully get along with you. I’m not as scary a person as I appear.”

This seems to have calmed the crowd down a bit. I still get a couple of grimaces aimed my way, but at least the initial shock is over. I get a small round of applause in response, a small gesture, but a welcome one in any case. Mutou makes himself known again from behind me.

“Okay then, Novire if you take Na- I mean the empty seat by the window. You’ll be sitting next to Mikado and Hakamichi. They’re both student council members, so they should be able to help you with any questions.”

I nod then drag myself over to the available window seat, where two young girls are waiting. I have never seen such a strange hairstyle in my life, pink drills? Looks like someone got their hair caught whilst mixing cake icing. Judging from her slightly larger figure as well, I might not be too far off. The other girl however is less noticeable, a short blue/black haircut and glasses seem to be the only striking features here, at least until she starts flailing at me. Well, this must be sign language, meaning she must be deaf. If only I’d realized this before i went to guard my face, perhaps I wouldn't be looking at the most soul crushing scowl I've ever seen. Good start, Rich, good start.

“Well you certainly know how to make an entrance Ricchan~!” Ow. The pink-haired girl practically screams at me, I wonder if thats why her classmate is deaf. “There's no need to be shy, I’m Misha and this is Shicchan.” I get a nod from ‘Shicchan’ but little else. I wonder if I've offended her already, a student council member could make a powerful enemy.

“Hello,” I manage to squeak out concentrating more through the window than at my new acquaintances. “Misha and Shicchan, are they your real names?”

“Well of course not, I’m Shiina Mikado, and this is Shizune Hakamichi!” A quick burst of signing between the two fills the silence. “We both want you to use our first names though of course, so we can become friends quickly! Ahahahah~!” Oh. My. God. I've heard quieter jet engines.

“I see, that’d be nice.” I only half mean what I say, but I suppose I need some kind of relationship here if I'm going to survive. “About Shizune, she seems a bit distant. Did I do something to offend her or . . . “ or am I just that disgusting that its difficult to look at me.

“Don't worry, she's just nervous and recovering from the festival that happened here recently. It's not you so don’t take it to heart o.k?” Wow she lowered her voice, must really be an important point. I've only just noticed she's signing our entire conversation too, crap. I was hoping to keep that private. Oh well, I’ll just keep digging this grave for myself.

Fortunately the assignment is handed out then and I get a brief reprieve into my thoughts. A good hour or two to calm down is exactly what I need right now.
Last edited by supanova on Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
a cameo a chapter. that's the plan! Apologies for the inexperience.

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griffon8
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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by griffon8 » Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:04 pm

Click on the title of the post you want to link to. For your chapter two, this give you:

Code: Select all

http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=8235#p145376
Then you use this form for the link:

Code: Select all

[url=http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=8235#p145376]Chapter 2[/url]
And the final result looks like:
Chapter 2
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by MutilatedManequin » Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:46 pm

Hmm... So far, I like it. Your character seems stuck with a rather unique disability/deformity, and him being from England is a nice change of pace. You do make me wonder who he's going after though.

Anyway, carry on.
There is a method to my madness, a random number of random steps done in no particular order to accomplish god knows what

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by supanova » Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:49 pm

MutilatedManequin wrote:Hmm... So far, I like it. Your character seems stuck with a rather unique disability/deformity, and him being from England is a nice change of pace. You do make me wonder who he's going after though.

Anyway, carry on.
I would like to point out, the plan here Isn't that hes going after someone. I'll include it if I find it appropriate, but other than that the whole point of the story is elsewhere. Just gonna nip that there. Other than that thank you very much for the kind words, I'm really nervous about my writing, but at least someone enjoys it :D
a cameo a chapter. that's the plan! Apologies for the inexperience.

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Mar 06, 2013 8:05 pm

New student? Check.
Foreigner? Check.
Rich? Check.

Apart from the rather cliché premise there's not much to complain about, though. Writing is solid just like characterization.
Let's wait to see what you do with the story...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by Guestimate » Wed Mar 06, 2013 9:27 pm

Hmm... Empty rooms, recent festival, recovering Shizune. I'm thinking poor Hisao got the Manly Picnic, and people are going to be somewhat traumatized from it. Also, not to poke holes (heh) but... couldn't they do skin grafts or at least something flesh-like to cover it? I dunno, anyway, I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by LorSquirrel » Wed Mar 06, 2013 9:45 pm

Guestimate wrote:Hmm... Empty rooms, recent festival, recovering Shizune. I'm thinking poor Hisao got the Manly Picnic, and people are going to be somewhat traumatized from it. Also, not to poke holes (heh) but... couldn't they do skin grafts or at least something flesh-like to cover it? I dunno, anyway, I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

if that's the case then i find Richards comment comment in the first chapter about one of his dorm mates 'dropping out' funny in a morbid way.

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by Oddball » Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:26 pm

Guestimate wrote:Hmm... Empty rooms, recent festival, recovering Shizune. I'm thinking poor Hisao got the Manly Picnic, and people are going to be somewhat traumatized from it. Also, not to poke holes (heh) but... couldn't they do skin grafts or at least something flesh-like to cover it? I dunno, anyway, I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
Well, that would at least be different. You don't see too many stories where a transfer student comes in right after Hisao's death.

Let me give you one quick bit of advice though. So far you've used slight variations on Hisao's first meeting with Mutou and Shizune and Misha. If he meets the other main girls, don't have him meet them in he same places or situations as Hisao met them in. In fact, I'd also suggest you might want to cut one or two of them out in favor of some of the other characters.
Not Dead Yet

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supanova
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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows.

Post by supanova » Thu Mar 07, 2013 2:01 pm

Gonna be posting chapter 3 here now, but I'd like to comment on some criticisms I've had first. I notice It's a bit similar to how Hisao enters, but that was slightly intended. Firstly to give the character a bit of similarity to him circumstance wise, and secondly so I have a way of starting, because I'm not good at introductions. The story will be changing up a lot from now on, now I've finally got a foothold to leave from. And as for the cliche premise, yes hes new but that's required for where I want to go with this, and he definitely isn't rich and isn't really that foreign either, but Ill get into that later. In short thank you for the kind words, I feel like I'm improving already so, heres hoping I prove somewhat entertaining to you. Anyway. here is chapter 3.

chapter 3

Bleh science. It’s not that I have anything against it, I’ve just never been terribly good at it. With this level of work too I don't think anyone can blame me. I thought this was supposed to be basic reactions between elements in chemistry, not planning for a rocket! Still, I shut up and plow through it. At the very least the class seems to go by quickly, I barely noticed the changeover to physics either. Mutou seems to know what hes doing, in that daydreaming way of his.

The second that bell rings I pelt towards the door, only to be barricaded in by pinky and the brain. Bloody hell, I had no idea someone could move so fast.

“Going somewhere Ricchan? I was hoping you’d come eat with us, we didn't get a chance to talk!”

“I was heading somewhere quiet to eat. It’s not something I do around others, It isn't pretty. The roofs available to go to right?” The only reason I know this is because this seems to be the case in every anime I’ve watched ever. The horrified look on Misha’s face and moments later Shizune’s tells me otherwise.

“Well . . . it normally is, but right now they're doing building work up there. Making it safe for us. Sorry about that Ricchan~!” By this point I can tell reasonably well who's speaking through Misha when. I wonder if she realises she's basically a megaphone. Wait. . . what did she call me?

“I’ve just noticed Ricchan? What's a Ricchan?” I did notice this earlier, but i figured if it was a one-off I shouldn’t worry. Could have been some slang for new guy for all I know.

“Well thats your name silly~! Nicknames are one of the best ways of establishing friendships! Isn’t that right Shicchan! WAHAHAHAHA~!”

I’ll let her have her little name, I’ve heard worse. “Well thanks for the help, I think I’m going to wander around the grounds. I know where the majority of things are so I’ll be alright. I’ll catch up with you later, after school or something?”

“You’re sure? A new school can be a scary place. Besides, Pavlichenko will you put away that camera! Sorry, council stuff, besides, you have two cute girls offering you lunch! you wouldn’t pass that up would you?” This is followed by such an adorable pout, if it wasn’t for Shizune's presence I may have been won over.

“I will have to decline I’m afraid, I don't want to shower two cute girls with food” I point to my face to emphasise the point. I suppose they won't let me leave until I give them an alternative though. “I will however offer them my phone number if they want to hang out later.”

This seems to please them, and a quick couple of button presses later I depart from my new acquaintances, heading straight to the grounds. With my original plan of the roof being dead and buried, I suppose I’ll find a shady tree around. Somewhere away from people. Walking through the halls is bad enough, I'm used to being pointed at, but when I see people recoiling who are deformed themselves It kills me. I manage to catch a glance at my own reflection in one of the windows. I can’t be that ugly can I? I have the same slightly too long black hair in a ponytail, the same brown eyes, the same slightly pale skin, I’m not even that short or that fat, I’m just incomplete.

At least I have space when I finally get outside. It doesn’t take me long to find a secluded tree overlooking the track and field grounds, but not so close that I can be seen. It’s nice here, I can at least eat how I’m used to. I’ve always realised how creepy it is, but lying on my side feeding food into my cheek has always been safer than eating through my mouth and watching it fall out the side. Suppose I don't have to eat through a straw though so thats something. I can at least avoid the cafeteria for a few days too with the packed snacks in my bag, thank you fore-sight!

Passing the time with a few minutes of flicking popcorn into the air and catching it in my built in ‘basket’ I start to feel the effects of this morning's journey. Fumbling around, I find the energy drink i grabbed this morning, only to be interrupted by a chirping from behind me.

“You know that stuff will melt your mouth and insides right?” Oh, I don't care who this is, this bitch is asking for it.

I flip around, expecting to see some smart-alec cow trying to get a shot in on the new guy, but all i see is a timid little girl in a wheelchair. A set of light brown pigtails sway in the light breeze, then jolt back with her small figure. Is she even old enough for this school?

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea, I couldn’t see your face. I’m wasn’t trying to insult you or anything, can we start over? I’m Emi, Emi Ibarazaki.”

It takes me a moment to process the sheer speed of her speech. She must really feel bad about her little faux-pas, so I guess I’ll let it slide. For now anyway.

“Hey calm down, I can barely understand you. Im Richard Novire, kinda new around here. No hard feelings Ibarazaki.”

“If you’re new what are you doing on your own? You should be out making friends, not killing yourselves with chemicals,” she tries to be stern. It does not work for her in the slightest.

“I eat alone. Makes things easier. What about you? Surely you must have tons of friends if you’re here lecturing me,” I respond sleepily. Really craving this drink about now, but I’d feel like even more of a jerk if I ignored her.

“Course I do, they’re all down there around the track. I’d be with them, but I hurt myself recently, so I’m stuck in this stupid chair. Only just got here. I can’t even do my morning runs! You should see me normally, I’d outrun anything!” She beams with pride at this statement, I admittedly didn’t expect a wheelchair user to be a sprinter, but it takes all kinds I guess.

“I’ll have to take your word for it. Shouldn’t you be getting to your friends though? Lunch is almost over. I’m not going anywhere, this is a nice spot. Might even make it my regular hangout, at least until the roofs available again.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right. I’ll see you around Richard, and call me Emi! Ibarazaki is my mom,” she calls out as she wheels off into the distance. Well that was, interesting.

Making sure I’m out of sight I down my energy drink as quickly as I can and head off to find my next class early. English next, figures. I escape the country and I still have to learn english, What a chore. Still, should be an easy class.
a cameo a chapter. that's the plan! Apologies for the inexperience.

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows. Chapter 3

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:21 pm

Fun fact:
In the novel Misha doesn't use the -chan suffix for anyone but Shizune and Hisao. She calls everyone else by their normal names: Emi, Lilly, Hanako - not sure at the moment if she ever talks to Rin - even Hideaki.
She calls Jigoro "Mr. Shicchan's father" once though.
Still whenever Misha meets an OC in a fanfiction the autors reflexively have her invent a nickname for them...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows. Chapter 3

Post by supanova » Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:32 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Fun fact:
In the novel Misha doesn't use the -chan suffix for anyone but Shizune and Hisao. She calls everyone else by their normal names: Emi, Lilly, Hanako - not sure at the moment if she ever talks to Rin - even Hideaki.
She calls Jigoro "Mr. Shicchan's father" once though.
Still whenever Misha meets an OC in a fanfiction the autors reflexively have her invent a nickname for them...
Huh, didn't actually realise that. I suppose it's just something i overlooked. Well either way, I figure it works here because shes trying to help the new guy fit in. Especially with his huge deformity.
a cameo a chapter. that's the plan! Apologies for the inexperience.

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Re: OC: Mirrors and Windows. Chapter 3

Post by LorSquirrel » Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:34 pm

I never liked her nick names in the VN because i never knew how to friggin pronounce them.

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