Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 7/6]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
griffon8
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by griffon8 » Sun May 11, 2014 1:09 pm

forgetmenot wrote:If you want to read one ending over the other, I won't blame you.
Ha! No, that won’t be happening. I’ll read whatever you write.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

User avatar
Helbereth
Posts: 1532
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by Helbereth » Sun May 11, 2014 10:33 pm

neio wrote:I'll be honest. I thought this chapter was below par for your writing and for KS smut in general. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure why. To me, it felt disjointed and rushed.

Here are some assorted comments that I took down while reading.
My eyes grow wide as I realize the implication of her affection, causing me to break away for just a moment. Kagami's eyes grow wide with questioning.
Repetition
"No," she replies, barely using half a breath before moving her hands to the back of my head again, pulling me into a somehow deeper and more passionate kiss.
Shizune all over again?
passion
passionate
impassioned
passionate
Repetition
Now it's my turn to nod vigorously, which turns her expression towards more of a smile.
This just seems like an awkward sentence
extracting herself from me just slightly
Implies she's in him. Unless I missed the kinky part with the strapon, this is not the case.
This contributes to my already substantial feeling of relief.
This sentence has a different tone than the rest of the text. I read it as analytical and trying too hard, like a high school English essay.
All of this...
neio wrote:Anyways, don't be discouraged. H-writing is an entirely different beast, and takes practice like anything else.
...and especially this. If I never write another H-scene, it will be too soon.

In all honesty, I'm disappointed that's all there was to the chapter. This could simply have been tacked onto the end of the previous chapter without breaking the flow in any way. Then, at least, it would be part of a character-driven chapter, rather than being 90% smut. It could also have had a more extensive epilogue to achiever a better story-smut ratio, but I'm probably splitting hairs.

It's decently well-written - aside from the issues neio pointed out - even though it sort of reuses some of the dialogue from the Doujinshi's Hisao mentioned. Specifically, the queries about things feeling good, which are entirely rhetorical. It's possible you were intentionally lampooning that kind of dialogue, but it's a thought in Hisao's head rather than that of Kagami, who does most of the talking.

I suppose Kagami could be having the same thought, though...

User avatar
forgetmenot
Posts: 375
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:33 pm
Location: Pacific Northwest.

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by forgetmenot » Mon May 12, 2014 2:27 pm

Helbereth wrote:In all honesty, I'm disappointed that's all there was to the chapter. This could simply have been tacked onto the end of the previous chapter without breaking the flow in any way. Then, at least, it would be part of a character-driven chapter, rather than being 90% smut. It could also have had a more extensive epilogue to achiever a better story-smut ratio, but I'm probably splitting hairs.
Well, it was originally just the end of the previous chapter. I decided to separate it out mostly to isolate the 18+ content. It may or may not have been the best decision as far as an episodically released work is concerned, but I suppose at this point the argument has little to do with content and more to do with semantics. Splitting hairs is tedious work, indeed.
Helbereth wrote:It's decently well-written - aside from the issues neio pointed out - even though it sort of reuses some of the dialogue from the Doujinshi's Hisao mentioned. Specifically, the queries about things feeling good, which are entirely rhetorical. It's possible you were intentionally lampooning that kind of dialogue, but it's a thought in Hisao's head rather than that of Kagami, who does most of the talking.
Well, now that I've gone back and made the appropriate edits, thanks, I suppose. As far as the Doujinshi-esque dialogue, I suppose I'll plea the fifth and let Poe's law determine the guilty party. :wink: I'll chalk it up to needing more practice writing H-content. Which I probably won't delve into, as this is pretty much the only H-scene that's of any consequence to the rest of the story. So I guess that's good news?
Helbereth wrote:I suppose Kagami could be having the same thought, though...
These days, who knows what that girl is thinking? Sometimes I think she's more of an enigma to me than she is to Hisao.

Thanks again for reading! Work on the new chapter is progressing marginally smoothly, so I suppose the good news is that I'll probably be updating more frequently than I have been from now on. Fingers crossed!

Maradar
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:18 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by Maradar » Mon May 12, 2014 4:49 pm

Wow, really enjoying this story. Keep up the good work! Not much to comment on recent chapters other then good job and I'm glad you're updating more.
Image
Image
Image

I have a minor arrhythmia and a couple of other heart conditions. Small world.
Also I love these forums.

poopooface
Posts: 130
Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:42 pm
Location: Deptford, NJ, US

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by poopooface » Fri May 30, 2014 3:03 pm

Just read the whole psuedo route so far, great work! :D Keep it up!
Hanako>Lilly>Emi>Rin>Shizune

User avatar
NekoDude
Posts: 495
Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2013 1:54 am

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by NekoDude » Sat May 31, 2014 7:47 pm

forgetmenot wrote:Well, now that I've gone back and made the appropriate edits, thanks, I suppose. As far as the Doujinshi-esque dialogue, I suppose I'll plea the fifth and let Poe's law determine the guilty party. :wink: I'll chalk it up to needing more practice writing H-content. Which I probably won't delve into, as this is pretty much the only H-scene that's of any consequence to the rest of the story. So I guess that's good news?
It did feel rushed, but in the sense you intended. This is one of those situations where you could have benefited from a POV change, but you haven't set up your story that way, so you just had to roll with it the way you did. It takes me an eternity to write mine compared to normal scenes, since I feel they'll be scrutinized that much more closely.

Believe me, I've read much worse H-scenes. Some of them came from my own keyboard. This one was at least believable, though not terribly feelsy. Again, I thought the lack of emotional depth was deliberate, since it does almost seem like Kagami is using Hisao as a fucktoy -- one she cares about, but still a fucktoy. I also didn't find it particularly arousing, but then I usually don't when reading these. It was pretty damn important to the plot, if I get the gist of where you're taking it from here.

I had no issues with you separating that scene off by itself, even if the main purpose of doing so was to be able to slap on a warning label. The process of releasing episodically made it seem more isolated than it actually was, and you're still well on the plot-with-porn side of the line as opposed to the porn-with-plot side.
Art is never finished, only abandoned.
Nekonomicon thread and downloads
White Mice music!

User avatar
YutoTheOrc
Posts: 296
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:43 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by YutoTheOrc » Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:52 pm

Loved the route, just finished reading it in its entirety within one sitting(although I may be late to the draw). I started reading this route last year before all the current chapters were posted and stopped at around chapter 15 was it? I can't quite remember, but I took it up late last night and started reading again. After some preparation of course, Blade Runner is a fantastic movie. Although, I am sad you didn't use the line "All these moments are lost in history, like a tear drop in the rain" yet. The last chapter made me blush horribly, but I really enjoyed this story. Kagami was very fascinating and interestingeven though we never got to meet her father, or even know about her mother. Thank you for sharing that with us, can't wait to read more :D

LilyKitsune
Posts: 83
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:42 pm

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by LilyKitsune » Fri Aug 08, 2014 7:47 am

"Oh nice, there was an update August fifth!


...damned european dating system"

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6021
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Aug 08, 2014 10:59 am

The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

LilyKitsune
Posts: 83
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:42 pm

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by LilyKitsune » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:39 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?
I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.

User avatar
forgetmenot
Posts: 375
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:33 pm
Location: Pacific Northwest.

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by forgetmenot » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:43 pm

YutoTheOrc wrote:Loved the route, just finished reading it in its entirety within one sitting(although I may be late to the draw). I started reading this route last year before all the current chapters were posted and stopped at around chapter 15 was it? I can't quite remember, but I took it up late last night and started reading again. After some preparation of course, Blade Runner is a fantastic movie. Although, I am sad you didn't use the line "All these moments are lost in history, like a tear drop in the rain" yet. The last chapter made me blush horribly, but I really enjoyed this story. Kagami was very fascinating and interestingeven though we never got to meet her father, or even know about her mother. Thank you for sharing that with us, can't wait to read more :D
Ah, sheesh, thanks so much! I realize there hasn't been an update in a while, but I took a little break to write another story involving Saki and Rika, and I haven't really gotten back into the swing of this one just yet. There's about half of the next chapter written, so hopefully I should be able to get this updated soon. Thanks for reading!
LilyKitsune wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?
I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.
I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on. :wink:

bhtooefr
Posts: 1353
Joined: Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:20 pm
Location: Newark, OH
Contact:

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by bhtooefr » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:54 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?
Hear, hear. ISO 8601 forever.

(And now I check to see if I used ISO 8601 dates in my own thread titles...)

Edit: I did. And, I have my board date format set to Y-m-d H:i:s.
Last edited by bhtooefr on Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
bhtooefr's one-shot and drabble thread
Enjoy The Silence - Sequel to All I Have (complete)
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking forum!

Vempele
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:31 pm

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by Vempele » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:55 pm

forgetmenot wrote:I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on. :wink:
Days like today (8/8) would also be fine. :wink:

LilyKitsune
Posts: 83
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:42 pm

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by LilyKitsune » Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:56 am

forgetmenot wrote:
LilyKitsune wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?
I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.
I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on. :wink:
Its too late! You have taken my hopes and crushed them =(

User avatar
Peorth
Zenryoku Zenkai!
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:02 pm

Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]

Post by Peorth » Sat Sep 27, 2014 8:56 am

Caught up and following, enjoying what I've read so far. Keep it up!
Even if the author is silenced, the performance is stopped, the story will not end.

Whether it's a comedy or a tragedy, if there is cheering, the story will continue on.
Just like the many lives.
For the us who are still in it and still in the journey, send warm blessings.

---We will continue to walk down this path until eternity.

Post Reply