Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End) UPDATE 4/22

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Vekter
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Vekter » Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:31 pm

OtakuNinja wrote:
Bacon Elemental wrote:I just have this feeling that this is going to be one of my favorite fan fictions. Keep this up, this is excellent :D
I really hope it won't be abandoned after a few updates. Btw, I like your new avatar. :mrgreen:
I'm lazy, so it might end up being like Wartime and I only update it like once a month. Gonna do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen though. I certainly will not abandon it, though. <3

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Gauldoth Half-Dead
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Gauldoth Half-Dead » Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:35 pm

I like it. I came upon a well written fic with a neat storyline so far that is really prone to making me feel feely feels because I'm a Lilly lover...but Hanako is a close second. Better fasten my seatbelts, I feel one hell of a ride coming.
This'll be one of the few stories I'll actively follow.

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Vekter
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Vekter » Sat Mar 16, 2013 2:07 pm

Progress update: I've got about half of the next chapter done, and should have the rest done in the next few days. Sorry for lagging behind. No excuses on this one; just lacking motivation. I'm fixing that, though.

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Parliament
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Parliament » Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:07 pm

No worries! Take your time as far as I'm concerned, rushed writing often turns out badly. I'm just happy this is being continued =)
I wish I had some kind of succinct piece of wisdom to put here. Oh well, bathrobes are comfy =)

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neio
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by neio » Fri Mar 22, 2013 8:44 pm

I can see this becoming a great story; it's off to a wonderful start. I'm subscribing to this topic :)
[Dream sequence]
Beautiful. Your writing has an indescribable quality of tone to it.
It sucks, but... She’s busy over there, I guess. Trying to get settled in, working on getting in to a good college.
Things are just... It’s just rough right now, yeah!
Stop this... Stop everything between us.
I’ve been sitting here for the past... Five minutes
That’s... That’s right.
At the very least, Hisao is my best friend and at most, he’s... Well, I haven’t quite figured that part out yet.
That night, though... After I got home and after he managed to stop crying, we talked.
If he’s going to be sad, well... They say misery loves company, so I might as well try to be there for him, anyway.
Don't capitalize after an ellipsis... you're not starting a new sentence.
“We’re just two children pretending to be adults”.
The period goes inside the quotation marks, unconditionally.
I was just so swept up in the romance of the whole thing, that I never considered the possibility: that she wasn’t as invested as I was.
I'd drop the colon.
Finally, he turns to look at me and I see an empty man.
Add a comma before the "and."
His hair is disheveled, his expression completely blank and this look as if he’d lost the only thing he still cared about in his life; as if he’s completely lost the will to get out of bed, much less turn and look at me.
I still can’t decide what kills me more about this whole situation; that he’s in so much pain, or that I can’t help the man who’s helped me so much already.
Semicolons only separate phrases that can stand alone. For example, "that he’s in so much pain, or that I can’t help the man who’s helped me so much already" doesn't work as a sentence, so you can't use a semicolon before it.
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by griffon8 » Fri Mar 22, 2013 9:06 pm

neio wrote:
Finally, he turns to look at me and I see an empty man.
Add a comma before the "and."
This is the first time I don't see the reason for the correction you've given. :?:
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

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neio
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by neio » Fri Mar 22, 2013 9:22 pm

griffon8 wrote:
neio wrote:
Finally, he turns to look at me and I see an empty man.
Add a comma before the "and."
This is the first time I don't see the reason for the correction you've given. :?:
"Finally, he turns to look at me."
"I see an empty man."
As you can see, the clauses could form separate sentences. They are thus independent clauses, and they can be separated either by a semicolon or by a comma followed by a conjunction.
"Finally, he turns to look at me; I see an empty man."
The above works fine. A semicolon can be replaced by a comma + (and | but | for | nor | or | so | yet), with varying meanings. When a comma is not used, we use the term "run-on sentence." Run-ons are acceptable in dialogue, when used sparingly or as part of a personality, but they should be kept out of narration.

Contrast this with the following:
"He turns to look at me and has a heart attack." Here, "has a heart attack" is dependent, so the "and" takes no comma.
"He turns to look at me because I'm annoying." Here, the word "because" acts as a subordinator, so it takes no comma.
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by griffon8 » Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:13 am

Thank you! :)
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Vekter
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Vekter » Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:22 am

neio wrote:I can see this becoming a great story; it's off to a wonderful start. I'm subscribing to this topic :)
[Dream sequence]
Beautiful. Your writing has an indescribable quality of tone to it.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed that; it was quite fun to write.
neio wrote:[insert grammar corrections here]
Thanks. I'll make a pass at some point and fix that stuff.

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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:44 am

neio wrote:Don't capitalize after an ellipsis... you're not starting a new sentence.
Uh... Yes you do. Sometimes at least.
In fact in seven of these eight examples the capitalization are correct: "The first word after an ellipsis is capitalized if it begins a new grammatical sentence."
So of the examples you've given five are definitely the beginning of a new sentence:
Things are just... It’s just rough right now, yeah!
Stop this... Stop everything between us.
That’s... That’s right.
At the very least, Hisao is my best friend and at most, he’s... Well, I haven’t quite figured that part out yet.
That night, though... After I got home and after he managed to stop crying, we talked.
Two are ambiguous - it could be one sentence petering out and another one starting, but you could also use a comma instead of the ellipsis.
If he’s going to be sad, well... They say misery loves company, so I might as well try to be there for him, anyway.
It sucks, but... She’s busy over there, I guess. Trying to get settled in, working on getting in to a good college.
In that case, it's more or less up to the author whether or not to capitalize.
The only example where the capitalization is indeed wrong is this one:
I’ve been sitting here for the past... Five minutes
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by neio » Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:26 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
neio wrote:Don't capitalize after an ellipsis... you're not starting a new sentence.
Uh... Yes you do. Sometimes at least.
I'll accept that. Arguing should be saved for more important things like the Oxford comma.Besides, you're right.
So of the examples you've given five are definitely the beginning of a new sentence:
Things are just... It’s just rough right now, yeah!
Stop this... Stop everything between us.
That’s... That’s right.
At the very least, Hisao is my best friend and at most, he’s... Well, I haven’t quite figured that part out yet.
That night, though... After I got home and after he managed to stop crying, we talked.
Maybe not that one. Which style guide are you quoting from?
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:20 am

I think the quote above was sourced to the Oxford style guide - not sure which edition.
That’s... That’s right.
I'd like to know how you would fit a comma there instead of an ellipsis...
It's one incomplete sentence petering out and beginning anew.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by neio » Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:25 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I think the quote above was sourced to the Oxford style guide - not sure which edition.
I see. The only Oxford anything I have is an Oxford pocket dictionary (I have yet to find a pocket in which it will fit), and the Chicagoans are mute on this issue. I'll take your word for it.
That’s... That’s right.
I'd like to know how you would fit a comma there...
An em dash might fit. Maybe.
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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Vekter » Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:35 am

It would seem as if my muse has left me, for the time being. I will update just as soon as I finish this chapter. Hopefully the writing bug will bite me again soon.

I do not lie to my readers; I have not abandoned this.

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Re: Hyacinth [18+] (Lilly Neutral End)

Post by Anadorr » Sun Apr 21, 2013 10:54 am

This was a quite depressing prologue, and in the same time - beautiful. I'm looking forward to seeing it continued, really good story and writing, thanks for writing and sharing it.
Lilly!->Hanako->Emi->Shizune->Rin

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