Sun Blind (OC x Molly) - Updated February 2nd

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Kitsune Spirit
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Mon Jan 21, 2013 11:32 pm

I think I will just erase all the honorifics, no one else seems to use them - except with Misha-interactions, so it doesn't seem as strange not seeing them. I drew a pic of Molly and Matsuri, but I haven't scanned in Matsuri's pic yet. Have a bit of trouble getting her eyes just right. Molly's is in the fanart section.

Anyway... off to write Close Encounters of the Miki-kind! lol

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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:09 am

I think honorifics can add a lot of characterization to a story if done right. Problem is it's pretty hard to get right...
Edit:
@Oddball - In the end it's probably a matter of taste.
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:36 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Oddball » Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:40 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:I think honorifics can add a lot of characterization to a story if done right. Probldm iy it's pretty hard to get right...
I'd say it's next to impossible to use them right. Whenever I see them in a story, it feels like somebody didn't finish translating the story into English. Usually it just feels like the person is trying too hard to be Japanese.
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Hoitash » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:04 pm

Oddball wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:I think honorifics can add a lot of characterization to a story if done right. Probldm iy it's pretty hard to get right...
I'd say it's next to impossible to use them right. Whenever I see them in a story, it feels like somebody didn't finish translating the story into English. Usually it just feels like the person is trying too hard to be Japanese.
One instance I believe they're good for is conversational tone.

For example, having a character shift from calling someone -chan to -san (or even -sama) conveys a tone less awkwardly then adding a prefix or title. For me, at least.

Oh, and enjoying the fic; nicely done :)
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:21 pm

In Japanese flavoured stories (expecially anime and manga), I like it better when the honourifics are left in place... because in my experience when they translate them, they either apply titles wonkily (yay new word!), or they go to an extreme and use literal translations. Like for example using Big Brother, instead of bro (or something like that), and then it just sounds weird. So I like it better when they subtitle or translate the manga and leave in certain Japanese words and terms. Not because I'm trying to be Japanese, it just read more fluidly to me.

Maybe because I actually know a tiny bit of Japanese that I can pick out the instances where the over-translation ends up sounding weird so it bugs me more... ah the annoyances of being a language-nerd. lol

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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Comrade » Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:29 am

a lot of ocs lately, i like it
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:48 am

This is more of a continuation of chapter 1, rather than chapter 2... chapter 1.5? But I'm gonna call it chapter 2 anyway. >.>
I'm sure there's going to be typos and wierdness in the writing, I'm sleepy, so I will fix it up tomorrow... *yawn*

Edit: fixed typos and stuff that I could find.

---

Close Encounters of a Miki-kind - Part 2

I dig in my purse for a moment as we enter the girls’ dorm. Stuff rattles around; pills, various makeup cases, my phone, spare change… I wonder how much is in there? I never really seem to empty my purse out. Maybe I have a small fortune. Ah there it is, I pull out my treasure and look at the number engraved on the key: 2-4.

“Hey, Molly… where’s 2-4?” I ask as we step into the common room. It’s like a small apartment crammed into the space. A huge tv, couches, chairs, a fridge, bookcases – some even have books. Along the back wall sits the stove and sink, and a microwave on the counter. Molly turns about and looks at me blankly for a moment, then she blinks and focuses on me.

“Oh… um… 2… oh! Second floor. Is that your room?” I hold up the key, but she doesn’t look at it and only smiles before waving me to follow her. Up the stairs we go, and I watch Molly climb them her butt swaying a little. I can’t really help staring, she’s right above me. I find my cheeks hot, and my ears burning as well. I like the way she moves and can't stop watching her as we walk halfway down the hallway and she stops on her right. “Here we are. Room 2-4.” She looks like she wants to say something else, her mouth working a bit, before she blushes and stands silently back and waits for me to open the door.

I put the key in the lock and open the room. It’s dark and just a bit cool, I can see a few boxes sitting around the room, and the bed in the corner looks huge to me. A clock on the wall ticks quietly, standing watch over my room. Clock, watch… hah! I made a funny.

“I’m just gonna drop my purse off… I’ll unpack later.” I tell my companion… acquaintance… friend… it feels weird calling her that. Will we have sleepovers? Karaoke parties with boys? I hope not for the later, I don’t feel comfortable around them. But a sleepover with Molly sounds like fun. I wonder what she wears to bed. Images of her dark form dressed in various types of sleepwear pass through my mind like a parade of teasing girls. Every one of them serves to make me feel a little flustered.

Geez… I barely know her and I’m already lusting over her. I sigh as I re-lock the door, having dropped my purse on the floor somewhere inside. I’ll find it later… or stumble over it. Probably stumble over the boxes and find my purse by accident. I turn and smile up at the patiently waiting girl.

Well… “Let’s go see this Miko,” I say, suddenly feeling exhausted. Molly grins and we go up another flight of stairs. How many floors does this dorm have? I hope we only have to go up one, I don’t think I have the energy to go up more. Luckily her friend lives on this floor, but at the very end. The girl knocks on the door and then enters.

“MIKO!” Molly exclaims. I see another dark-skinned girl sitting on the floor eating ice cream and watching a movie. She looks confused for a moment, a spoonful halfway to her mouth. Then she gives off a wide grin, her dark eyes sparkling. She deposits the spoon in her mouth and then returns it to the container.

“Who’s Miko?” She asks, I suddenly feel like I am missing something, they are sharing some sort of joke. I hate that. Girls at my old school would have inside jokes around me all the time, and too often they were about me. I feel awkward and want to go back to my room, I think this was a bad idea. “Is she Miko?” The girl asks as drops the ice cream container on her dresser and looks me over. She’s really cute, in an athletic way, lean and tall, again taller than me. I would feel resentful of this if everyone wasn’t centimeters taller than me. I smile at her self-consciously, my right hand clutching at my other arm. Her skin is lighter than Molly’s but their hair and eyes are the same colours. She’s dressed in a long t-shirt with some cartoon character I don’t recognize on it.

“I’m Miki!” She announces. Oh. Ohhh… I glare briefly at Molly. That was the joke. Molly catches my glare, but only gives me a fake-innocent smile. I bow politely, still standing in the doorway, unsure if it’s ok to enter.

“Harada Matsuri. Please…”She blinks at my formality and then bursts into laughter, and then pulls me into the room and shuts the door behind me.

“What’s with all the stuffy formality?” she giggles as she sits back down, grabbing up her ice cream on the way down. Molly seems to be enjoying my awkwardness, I really don’t like being the butt of every ones jokes. Or maybe I am just over thinking everything. I don’t even know these two girls and I am already thinking that they are backstabbing bitches.

I sit down on the floor feeling a bit unsure about everything and then I am presented with a container of ice cream and a spoon. Strawberries and Cream apparently. I wonder at the redundancy of making a flavour of ice cream that needs more cream as I stare at it.

“This is the food, you…?” I ask Molly who is already digging into a small container of green tea ice cream.

“Yup!” Miki exclaims with a megawatt grin. “I’ve got a whole fridge full of it, so feel free to come over anytime you want and help me eat it!” She seems to have finished hers off and is, to my surprise
digging into another one. The tv seems to have been forgotten and plays to itself in the middle of us. Finally my bewilderment seems to have receded and I begin to eat as well. It’s better than going hungry I suppose. And it’s good too.

“So… Matsuri, where are you from? You sound like you’re from...” Miki trails off, obviously trying to place my particular speech pattern.

“Shizouka,” I supply around a spoonful of ice cream. This is really really good, I haven’t had ice cream in… since before I went into the hospital several months ago. Bleh… I hate thinking about it. It makes me depressed, and I’m kinda having fun right now. Screw you memories, I have ice cream, you can’t defeat me! In my head, the dark memories cower in a corner as I hold a radiating container of strawberries and cream before me. Another part of my mind wonders if it’s safe to be eating shining ice cream.

I look down at it to make sure it’s really not glowing, and feel stupid than I’m relieved it’s not. But how awesome would it be to have glowing ice cream? My mind returns to the room and my two companions who are looking at me with barely contained laughter.

“Rin.” Miki says. Rin..? Who..?

“Suzu.” Says the other. Wait, what?

“No, she’s definitely like Rin. I bet she’s daydreaming weird stuff.” Daydreaming? But it’s obviously too late to be doing that.

“Suzu spaces out too!” I’m a joke to them, my dark memories are over powering my super-glowy ice cream. “But Rin doesn’t randomly fall asleep.” Miki continues.

“H-h-hey! St-stop talking about me like I’m n-n-not here!” I feel horrible, I hate being treated like I’m invisible. They look at me and their eyes grow wide, their smiles falter. Am I thinking about stuff too much again? I probably am. I feel stupid.

“I’m sorry Matsuri,” Molly says quietly. “We just get carried away sometimes, we don’t mean anything by it.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it, you’re cool, I wouldn’t give you my super-charged ice cream if I didn’t like you.” Super… charged? Oh god, is that why she’s here? She can read minds? My face suddenly feels like it’s on fire. What if she… no wait, that’s stupid I realize, as I notice for the first time the bandage that wraps around the stump of her left hand – or where her hand used to be. Somehow I’m disappointed that she’s not psychic, that would have been as cool as my glowing ice cream.

“Oh… ok…” I mumble as I put the now-empty container down next to me. “Ah that was so good… and glowy.” I murmur. Both girls giggle at me, and I realize my imagination slipped out. Ack… stupid mind! Stop it!

“You’re right, she’s Rin.” Molly giggles. I scowl, but somehow, I get the feeling that they aren’t poking fun at me to be cruel. There’s a note of affection in their tones I missed before.

“Shizouka!” Molly suddenly blurts out, making the name sound like something a superhero would say before going into battle “Does that mean you grow green tea?” She asks brightly. I sigh in exasperation, a whole prefecture of Japan and all she can think of is green tea farms.

“We have other products there besides green tea farms you know.” I try to sound annoyed, but I think just sound exhausted. I know I feel like it. What time is it anyway? I look for a clock and see one ticking away on the wall. It’s almost nine. It feels like it should be midnight - or later.

“So… that’s a yes?” Miki prods seeing me distracted. She’s grinning and hugging her legs against her, watching me like a cat who just discovered the tv. Oh great… I’m a sitcom.

“Yes… my dad owns a farm, we supply product for a few small companies… and my grandpa takes care of the local shrine.”

“Oooh… so you’re Matsuri the shrine maiden!” Miki crows, both girls squeal with laughter at the pun in my name. I don’t know why I let that last bit slip, I only ever get teased about it, but it’s nothing I haven’t heard numerous times throughout my young life. I look for something to toss at them, but the only pillow is too far away. I settle for pouting and mock-indignation. I refuse to tell them that I am often taking care of the shrine along with my grandpa, that would just add fuel to their giggle-fits. But, I can’t be mad at them, not that I was.

“I really like you Matsuri.” Miki says when both of them recover and lay against the bed gasping for breath. Was it really that funny? Or do they have wild imaginations like me? Miki turns off her tv and pushes it to the side.

I try to stifle a yawn, but it wins and I end up covering my mouth and stretching. I bet my eyes are red and I’ve got bags and dark circles under my eyes. I feel like I’ve been up since yesterday.

“You should go to bed, I bet you haven’t gotten much sleep.” Molly says. “I know I didn’t get any the first week I was first here.” Sleep, that sounds like a nice thing, I wonder what it’s like. I probably won’t get to find out for a few days. I can never rest in new places, and I don’t know why.

“I… that sounds like a good idea.” I mumble. I try to stay awake as the two girls chat and giggle about random stuff that only teenage girls seem to find entertaining. But eventually exhaustion wins the battle against wakefulness and I fall into the depths of dreamland.

***

Something wakes me up at some point, the echoes of my dreams slipping through my consciousness like oily water as I try to remember them. It’s no use, half the time my dreams are scary anyway, so I kind of like it when I can’t remember them. Outside the window there’s a bird chirping in the early morning sunlight.

Sunlight… my arch-nemesis is trying to sneak attack me. Hah! I raise my shields – namely the pillow under my head – and try to go back to sleep. But something’s bugging me and I’m too sleepy to think of what it is. And why does my back hurt so damn much… and this bed is terribly hard. I lay there trying to get comfortable with the pillow blocking out the deadly sunlight, but it’s no use. I search for my phone, wondering what the time is, it can’t be that late in the day. But I can't find it, were is it? I groan and give up.

Suddenly I realize that I am not in my bed, or any bed for that matter. Disorientated, I sit up and look at my surroundings with sleepy eyes. But it’s no good, this early in the morning I can’t see anything but the usual blinding whiteness. I groan and flop back on the hard floor, rubbing my eyes, but all that serves is to make them hurt and I can feel a headache creeping up my neck.

“…where am I..?” I croak, ugh, I sound like I’ve been in the desert for several days with no water. I hear someone stir above me and then a loud yawn, more rustling and then a foot swings down and collides with the side of my face.

“Ow!!” I sit up and rub the sore spot, that attack really hurt, I wasn’t just exclaiming to make noise.

“Sorry… your face collided with my foot.” Miki says still half a sleep. At least that solves where I am. I think… if I were in my room, wouldn’t I be up there..? Maybe. Who cares.

“Your foot hit my face.” I retort. I wince as I try to see Miki, squinting just barely lets me see the sleepy grin she’s wearing. “Where’s Molly?” I notice she’s not here by the lack of shiny metal legs.

“She went to her room… and you wouldn’t wake up, I even put one of my shoes against your nose.” She’s so matter-of-fact about it, as if stinky-shoes are a common 'wake me up'. I glare at the faint image of the dark-skinned girl. “I’m gonna go for a run, you should come with me, it’s good exercise and good for your health too!”

“Pfft!” I make an amused noise. “You sound like a public service announcement! I’m more likely to run into a tree if I take up jogging.” I tried it once and fell into a ditch, I was lucky I didn’t break any bones, but I had several cuts and bruises, barely getting away without any stitches.

“I have some sunglasses.” She offers, digging around in her nightstand. I wave my hand in the direction of her voice.

“Don’t bother, sunglasses don’t help, everything just turns into a washed-out gray instead of white.” I stretch and yawn, my back protesting and I work out the stiff muscles. “Ugh… I need to go back to bed.” I get up but nearly fall over as a wave of dizziness attacks, I’m only saved from crashing into the carpet because of Miki. Her soft, warm arms are holding me up. I take a deep breath and try to let it out slow. Nausea decided to come with dizziness today, I really hope I don’t throw up in Miki’s room.

That would be horribly embarrassing. Hi, I’m Matsuri… bleeeech… Yeah, take in a deep breath, let it out slow, don’t make any sudden movements. Make sure I can stand up and move without hurting myself.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?” No, I’m not, even with these mental-exercises to try and not throw up, I feel it trying to work itself up. I shake my head no and instantly regret it. My stomach heaves and I remember all the ice cream last night.

“…toilet…” I gasp, trying to keep my revolting stomach settled if only for a few moments. Miki helps me along, out her bedroom door and down the hall. My vision has cleared up but I wish I was still sun blind because now the hallway is pretending it’s a rocking boat. She tells me it’s just ahead; to my right. I can see a girl step out and my stomach gives a heave and it’s all I can do to not heave right there on the girl.

I stumble into the bathroom and almost make it to the toilet...

I’m too weak and out of it to feel properly mortified for throwing up on the floor, and it just barely registers that there was screaming going on behind me. Why do girls scream like that? Even I do it sometimes, I wonder as I sit on the floor, covered in sweat and leaning against one wall.

“Matsuri, do you need me to get the nurse?” It’s Miki’s voice, she sounds worried and a little grossed-out. Not that I blame her, it is pretty disgusting to see someone vomit all over the floor. I slowly shake my head, hoping nausea doesn’t give me a repeat performance. Water is running and then a cup is placed in my hands. “Drink that.” Someone says, I don’t recognize the voice. I shakily bring the cup to my lips, trying not to spill most of it as I drink the contents.

Yuck… nothing tastes good after you throw up, not even water; and my throat is all raw.

“Ok, we’re going to take you to your room, so you can lie down, I’ll come back and check on you after my run.” Miki informs me, really, you don’t have to do that! You’re sweet though… I just throw up sometimes. No big deal. Honest.

My room is still dark and still cool as I am hauled inside. It’s wonderful, no light, not awful sunshine, no embarrassing mess on the floor. Just wonderful darkness… and then she turns on the light. I make a pained noise like the gurgle of a dying goat. Even with my eyes closed it hurts, but she can’t see in the dark as well as I can. I’m set on the bed and Miki tells the other girl she can leave.

“Your t-shirt is a mess, so we need to take that off.” She informs me. Strip me? But… I barely know you… and you haven’t taken me out to dinner first. I feel my cheeks heating up. I squint up at her, she grins, or at least I think she does, she’s a little blurry. “Don’t get any ideas in your head missy.” She teases as she picks up my arms and raises them above my head. They feel like lead, do I really have to do this, can’t you just cut it off..? No wait, I like this t-shirt, I remember.

She pulls it off in one swift motion, I’m too weak to even enjoy the thought of her stripping me and seeing me half-naked. I’m really hot though, should I be this hot? Or is it just embarrassment? I’m not sure I care at the moment. Miki lays me over and arranges me so I’m not sprawled out uncomfortably, then covers me up. This is nice, I feel cool and relaxed, the curtains are closed, now if I could just get that light turned off.

“Don’t get up until I return ok? You need to rest.” Yes mother… did I say that out loud? I think I did, I hear her giggle as she turns off the lights. Ah, blissful darkness, now I can rest. This bed is so nice, almost as good as the one back home. I lay there for a few minutes, my mind a blank, but I don’t have long to enjoy the lack of thought processes before dreamland steals me away once again.
Last edited by Kitsune Spirit on Mon Jan 27, 2014 12:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by DanjaDoom » Thu Jan 24, 2013 2:26 am

Kitsune Spirit wrote: “This is the food, you…?” I ask Molly who is already digging into a small container of green tea ice cream.

“Yup!” Miki exclaims with a megawatt grin. “I’ve got a whole fridge full of it, so feel free to come over anytime you want and help me eat it!”
This seems wonderfully familiar
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Comrade » Thu Jan 24, 2013 5:36 am

ive noiteced some mistakes here and there but not too much.
i like the chemistry between the girls.
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jan 24, 2013 5:44 am

I enjoyed this chapter. A few minor typos but nothing too horrible.
And let me congratulate you: Miki is a better choice for a second chapter than Kenji :-)
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by griffon8 » Thu Jan 24, 2013 3:54 pm

Enjoyable. Good take on Miki, even if most people don't have her running in the morning.
She tells me it’s just a head and too my right.
ahead; to
But… I barely no you…
know
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:21 pm

griffon8 wrote:Enjoyable. Good take on Miki, even if most people don't have her running in the morning.
She tells me it’s just a head and too my right.
ahead; to
But… I barely no you…
know
You missed the funniest typo where Matsuri is waving at Miki with Miki's hand. xD There's another typo in there as well, that I found when I was reading over it at lunch.

And Danja, I hope you don't mind me using your fridge of unending icecream... it seems like something that our miki would have. :)

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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Exbando » Sat Jan 26, 2013 7:27 am

Another fanfic to keep up with. Good job so far. I look forward to seeing where everything goes.
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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:24 pm

Chapter 3 is on the way... along with an encounter of Kenji. xD

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Re: Sun Blind (OC x Molly)

Post by Helbereth » Sat Jan 26, 2013 1:41 pm

Oddball wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:I think honorifics can add a lot of characterization to a story if done right. Probldm iy it's pretty hard to get right...
I'd say it's next to impossible to use them right. Whenever I see them in a story, it feels like somebody didn't finish translating the story into English. Usually it just feels like the person is trying too hard to be Japanese.
I tend to use them only where it's part of the speaker's character. Misha, for instance, uses them for everyone; she references Hisao as 'Hicchan' within minutes of meeting. Why exactly remains a mystery, but it seems to just be something she does almost subconsciously - similar to the constant signing while speaking.

Beyond that, yeah, it never looks right for those honorifics to appear in an English translation. It's similar to having 'sir', 'miss', 'madame' or other such titles accompanying people's names in dialogue; it should only be used sparingly, and with proper context, if at all.

Most of the time, really, in speech people don't even use names unless it's to stress a point or make an introduction. It's something that seems prevalent in Japanese cultural exports (anime, manga, etc.), but feels alien within the bounds of English writing. Whether it's normal in Japan, I'm not sure, but I've never had a conversation with a friend where we constantly called each-other by name.

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