Brand new Emi route

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:35 pm

I know they say "write what you know" but giving your OC the same condition you are suffering from yourself is probably a bit much of a self-insert...

The thought that someone would leave England because Japan is supposed to be better for disabled people made me smile a bit. :D
I will be sending my parents emails every three weeks to tell them how I'm doing.
Every three weeks?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Suox
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Suox » Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:27 pm

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Last edited by Suox on Sun Jan 01, 2017 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sun Jan 13, 2013 8:56 am

before I start ive changed my character so he does not have dyspraxia :) hope that makes people happy

The end of lunch bell interrupted our conversation and in all honesty it bummed me out, I really was enjoying myself. I later learnt that Rin paints believe it or not. Emi earlier ramblings consisted of things from boys to food to track meets, which I somehow got mixed up with and am now spending my Saturday morning going to Emi’s track meet. I blame her pout, just thinking about it makes me feel bad. But still we made our leave.

But when I was walking back to class I notice something in my pocket. A note. Well it isn't going to open itself so I did, I notice the faint smell of strawberry's on the note, the note itself though is written in blue ink and says.

Don’t forget running tomorrow at 7.00am.
From the fastest thing on no legs ;)


I smirk at the last comment on the note, in all seriousness I wouldn’t mind going, I need to get a six pack somehow I guess. As I walk into class I notice Hisao and Hanako talking at Hanako’s desk, once they catch notice of me Hisao gestures me to come over so I do.

“Afternoon” I say.

“Hey George we we’re wondering what are you doing afterschool.” Now that I think of it I don’t have anything specific to do, well apart from sending my parents an email on how well the day went, if I don’t send my Mum one I swear she’ll worry, but I guess I got time.

“Nothing in particular, what do you have in mind.” As soon as I say that I see two faces lighten up I guess Hisao feels sorry for me since he was the new kid not to long ago.

“Well we were thinking of going out to eat with our friend and if you want to come.” I guess this is another way of not making their friend “the third wheel” but I humbly accept their offer, well that is if I survive Japanese class but it can’t be that bad. Can it?

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:10 pm

Somehow I doubt Emi would be the type to perfume her love letters - let alone notes like that one.

Also, while I usually encourage writing short chapters instead of 10K+ word chunks, yours redefine the meaning of "short".
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Suox
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Suox » Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:25 pm

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:31 pm

this one will be a bit longer because I didn't really know how to end the paragraph. (I know stupid me) But I want to thank people viewing my story hitting 500 people really cheered me up.

Apparently yes, it was torture, I slam my head on the table which leaves a huge bang and a fuzzy feeling on my forehead. I shut my eyes and try to get the stress but it doesn't seem to work.

“Must of been your first Japanese class.” Hisao’s voice cracks my eyes open and I lift my head to meet his gaze.

“It was torture.” He seems to chuckle at this but then asks.

“Well you ready to go Hanako and my friend are at the gates.” At the gates? Why are they there? And when will Hisao ever tell me the name of his mate?

“You lead the way.” And we’re off, but not before a sudden vibration in my pocket breaks me out of my chain of thought.

“Give me a sec Hisao, chello.”

“Hello love!” OH god. I know that voice and that accent I told her I would email her. “How's your first day been.”

“Sorry Mum but I'm a bit busy I'll call you later.” And with that I snap my phone shut. I feel terrible for doing that but no point in going back now so I follow Hisao.

We make our way to the front gates and are greeted by, one Hanako, also a tall blonde girl. Wait. Tall and blonde. Being honest you don’t get kind of people around here so she must be somewhat foreign.

“Hey Hanako, Lilly.” Lilly. So that's what her name is. “Lilly this is George Lowe he's the new guy we told you about.” Ahh so they’ve told her about me. Wait what DID they tell her.

“Hello George I am Lilly Satou its a pleasure to meet you.” Her voice is really soft and regal which for some reason causes me to relax, a sudden rumbling coming from my stomach attracts the attention of everyone which causes me to blush. “Well it seems someone's hungry shall we be heading out.” Lilly says this with the most mother like of smiles that causes myself to smile.

“Hey can I ask where we are going.” Lilly was about to reply but Hisao is quick to interject.

“Its a surprise.” If he says that one more time I swear. Lilly and Hanako both seem to giggle at this but I myself is starting to get annoyed at Hisao playfulness. We make our way down the hill to the town and enter what looks like a small café called “the shanghai”, we enter it and its, empty? I'm guessing they don’t get many visitors. A young women makes her way over to us as fast as she can without looking too unprofessional and says.

“Hi Hanako, Lilly, Hisao and.” She doesn't say my name so I decide to say it for her.

“George he's new here, George this is Yuko.” It appears Lilly saved me the trouble and introduced me instead.

“Hi its a pleasure to meet you.” Yuko does a graceful bow and says we can pick any table. Lilly and Hanako lead the way but I notice something strange that I didn't notice before. Hanako is holding Lilly by the arm really close and Lilly’s eyes are closed which means one thing she also has a cane. OH god how did I not notice this before. She's blind. Me and Hisao take our place on the other side of the table across from the girls then Yuko comes back to take our orders, Lilly and Hanako both order some green tea I decide not to join with them since I don’t really enjoy the taste, Hisao orders some coffee and some strawberry pie to go with it. I myself order a ham sandwich and a cup of tea after that I decide to break the silence.

“So do you guys come here often.” A silly question but that's the only one I could think of.

“Yes we do usually if we’re hungry or well, don’t want to cook.” Lilly smiles at her last statement.

“Yeah they showed me here when I got here it really is nice.” I can understand why they like this place it really is calm and relaxing apart from Yuko who appears to always be in a mad rush even if we are the only customers.

“So George, Hisao and Hanako tell me that your not from here.”

“No I'm originally from England.” Lilly opens her eyes at this and I can get a proper look at them, blue as the sea.

“I see does this mean you speak English.” Instead of just saying “yes” I decide to go for a diffrent approach. “Yes Miss Satou do you.” She smiles and this and reply's.

Yes Mister Lowe its a pleasure to talk to you.” Hisao and Hanako just look at us with the most confused expression I've ever seen. I smile and chuckle at them. Yuko then comes over with our food and drinks.

“Here let me pay for it.” Its the least I can do for them being so nice but Lilly is quick to interject. “No your our guest please let us.”

“Hey don’t worry about it this is my way of saying thanks for letting me be your guest.” Lilly looks disappointed at me but doesn't bother to carry on arguing so I pay the bill. We eat and drink our meal together with the occasional conversation but to be honest I prefer to eat with Emi and Rin, well Emi anyway because I guess she's more like a girl in Northampton. A fighter. Anyway we make our way back to the school, me and Hisao make our goodbyes to Lilly and Hanako and make our way to the boys dorms. Funnily enough my room is right next to Hisao’s, he tells me to try to avoid contact with Kenji he doesn't say why he just says "when you meet him you’ll know why." I say my goodbye to Hisao and enter my room.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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Suox
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Suox » Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:49 pm

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jan 14, 2013 5:13 pm

Apart from getting a proofreader you should make a habit of making reality checks once in a while.
For example:
Lilly and Hanako lead the way but I notice something strange that I didn't notice before. Hanako is holding Lilly by the arm really close and Lilly’s eyes are closed which means one thing she also has a cane. OH god how did I not notice this before. She's blind.
They walked all the way from Yamaku down to the Shanghai (which takes almost half an hour iirc) without him noticing Lilly is blind? Even if she was led by Hanako all the way and didn't use her cane, he'd have to be pretty dense for that.
Yuuko seems a bit OOC in this scene, even if she only has one line... No fidgeting, no stuttering, nothing at all to indicate this is really Yuuko...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:48 pm

Just another short chapter to finish the first day

My room seems to be a lot like my room at home with a bed in the corner, a window next to the bed, two wardrobes and a desk. The walls are a nice creamy colour and the floor is a blue carpet. I notice a rather large television across from my bed also my old laptop on my new desk.

I try to wrap my head round everything that happened today from making my first impression to having lunch with Emi and Rin.

Emi of course I've taken a liken to, her bubbly attitude and her sweet jokes, but of course there's one thing to dislike about her. Her pout.

Rin I'm still unsure about she's like a closed book that needs to be opened

Hisao and Hanako are very friendly and kind but I feel like there using me. Using me to be with Lilly. Don't get me wrong shes a sweet girl and of course very attractive but, I don't know, don't see it happening.

I decide to take out my phone and call my Mum back , worried about how worried she is that I didn't talk to her.

“Hello love so nice of you to call back, how's your first day been.” Her cheery voice has always brought a smile to my face.

“Its been great."

We talk for a long time. Mom tells me everything that's been going on back home and I tell her everything I feel comfortable saying about what's going on here, making sure to put the most positive spin on things as possible. She makes sure to ask me if I'm doing alright, if there's anything I need, makes sure I'm not chasing girls again, and things like that. By the time we say goodbye, far more time has passed than I expected.

“Well it was so nice to talk to you, do to call back, I hope you have a great time and we all miss you loads.”

“Miss you too, love you Mum.”

“Love you too.” And with that I close my phone and hear a knocking on the door. Who could be knocking on my door? It's only been my first day. Having no choice I turn to the source of the noise and walk over to open it. But when I open it no ones in front of it, but actually in front of Hisao’s door.

Its Hanako. I decide to close my door before she notices me, hopefully they won’t do anything to disturb me in my sleep. I take off my clothes but leave on my boxers and jump into bed. I think about the day and all the people I've met and how my life will be round here but not long before sweet slumber takes over me.

First day completed hurray :D
Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you
Last edited by geolord11 on Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Suox
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Suox » Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:49 am

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:30 pm

I'm sorry to say that, but your dialogue is just... unnatural? Take this for example:
“Its been great, people are so nice round here, I've met a bunch of people.”
“Ohh any in particular?”
“Well Hisao's nice and so is Hanako they are in my class, plus Emi's really great to be around.”
“Well it was so nice to talk to you,...
Imagine the situation: You are at a new school for the first day and your mother is on the phone. You tell her you've met new people and sound really excited and your mom just says "Nice talking to you, bye." Would your mom do that?
My mom sure wouldn't and I dare say a good 99% of all moms out there would show at least a bit more interest if her son had become friends with not one but two girls on his first day at a new school.
This section looks as if you wanted to have the phone call at the end of the day, but you really weren't in the mood to write it, so you made it as short as possible.
“Love you two.”
Should probably be "Love you, too."

Another thing you should work on is your pacing. You try to advance the story way to fast, introducing all the characters on the first day and having them be a lot more familiar with each other than they should be in such a short time.
Hanako visiting Hisao late in the evening on the first day he arrived is especially hard to swallow. They hardly talked at all before.

@Suox: Is it really that inconceivable that a male could be not immediately smitten by Lilly? Do you need an explicitly stated reason for NOT falling in love with someone?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Oddball » Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:00 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I'm sorry to say that, but your dialogue is just... unnatural? Take this for example:
“Its been great, people are so nice round here, I've met a bunch of people.”
“Ohh any in particular?”
“Well Hisao's nice and so is Hanako they are in my class, plus Emi's really great to be around.”
“Well it was so nice to talk to you,...
Imagine the situation: You are at a new school for the first day and your mother is on the phone. You tell her you've met new people and sound really excited and your mom just says "Nice talking to you, bye." Would your mom do that?
My mom sure wouldn't and I dare say a good 99% of all moms out there would show at least a bit more interest if her son had become friends with not one but two girls on his first day at a new school.
This section looks as if you wanted to have the phone call at the end of the day, but you really weren't in the mood to write it, so you made it as short as possible.
Just a little tip on that that, if there a reason to have a conversation in a story, but you don't want to write it, there's nothing wrong with just writing out the summary of it. Something like ...

We talk for a long time. Mom tells me everything that's been going on back home and I tell her everything I feel comfortable saying about what's going on here, making sure to put the most positive spin on things as possible. She makes sure to ask me if I'm doing alright, if there's anything I need, makes sure I'm not murdering squirrels again, and things like that. By the time we say goodbye, far more time has passed than I expected.

It gets the point across and moves things along.
Not Dead Yet

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Thu Jan 17, 2013 5:50 pm

Right start of the next day here we go, and once again thanks to everyone for the advice.

The sound of my alarm wakes me from a restless night.

Wait what time is it? I lean over to my alarm to see that it is 7.00am. Why on earth did I set it this early? Just above my alarm is a note stuck down on it. Suddenly it all comes back.

Running with Emi.

I jump out of bed and rush to my wardrobe to find my old P.E kit. A brown t-shirt and blue shorts and of course my black Adidas trainers with that I grab my keys and make my way down to the track.

Emi of course is there with her usual amount of energy, she of course positively beams at seeing my arrival.

“George you came.” She seems some what surprised of my arrival, did she not expect me to be here?

“Of course I came, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” My comment makes her even more happier then she already is.

We have a little chat about what we later yesterday, she tells me that she had to go help Rin with her art work.

So I told her about my meal with Hisao, Hanako and Lilly.

Hhhhmmm Lilly.

I still don't understand why I'm not attracted to her.

She's normally someone I'd go for.

Yet I still don't want to.

“Hurry up and stretch George so we can get going.” Emi's sudden speech breaks my train of thought, I guess I'll have to wonder another time.

I start my stretching while Emi bonces from one leg to the other eager to get going, I'm a bit worried at how fast she actually is, if she could tackle me to the ground she must have some speed. We make our way to the track and take our positions, Emi has a special glint in her eye, probably the idea of having an opponent determines her even more I guess.

“Go!” She shouts and she sets off at a huge amount of speed, eager not to lose to a girl I speed up. Course my pride is on the line here. I catch up to her but as soon as I do she speeds up even more, is she teasing me?

Ahh the burning feeling in my legs and the sweat dripping from my face are telling me to slow down but my pride tells me to speed up but my feet don’t seem to concentrate, that's the last thing I remember before I smash into the floor.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Silentcook » Thu Jan 17, 2013 7:54 pm

It's good that you're open to feedback, but if you don't start to ACT on it, it's pointless to request more. Get that proofreader everyone suggested and go over what you've done so far, instead of bulling forward.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:06 am

Can someone do me a favour and put the link for the proofreader bellow cheers :)

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