Brand new Emi route

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geolord11
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Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:05 pm

This is my first time doing this so the punction won't be the best and spellings might be wrong but I tried making a new character and Hisao and Hanako are still togeather just the new guy will eventually fall for Emi please leave constructive chrictisom and if I should carry on thank you.

Well here i am, in front of the rusty gates that will start my new life.

Strange to think that less then a year ago i was going to a school for, well normal people.

But i stand in front of the gates of Yamaku high school for the physically disabled with one hand missing, that's a whole new story though and well I aren't got enough time to explain it.

But i will give you my name and some details about me. My name is George Lowe, i come from Northampton all the way in England, so you can imagine how hard it was to leave my family behind plus on top of that learn Japanese, which is frustrating because sometimes mid-conversation I'll suddenly speak in English. I lost my hand a year ago in the ...incident so this school might be better for me, so i decide to enter.

The crisp cool air blows in my face and i take a big breath to take it all in. I walk into the main building and have the pleasure of meeting a middle-aged man with short, rough black hair. He seems half asleep and is wearing a long brown trench coat.

“Excuse me but are you, mister Lowe.” His sudden speech leaves me startled, his voice sounds like me when i wake up early in the morning all rough and deep, his face though looks like he's waiting for a reply.

“Oh sorry yes I am he.”

“Excellent I'm Mr Mutou, your science and homeroom teacher it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Its strange to think that this isn't his first time standing there saying exactly those words, he speaks up again.

“Would you like to introduce yourself to your fellow pupils?” Suddenly my confidence drops even more, introducing myself, do i really want to do that, well I guess I'll have to so I decide to accept his offer.

“Alright then, would you like to follow me.”

I’m hesitant in doing so but i do it non the less,thinking all the while if I could make a break for it and it not being a big deal.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you
Last edited by geolord11 on Sun Jan 13, 2013 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sat Jan 05, 2013 5:36 am

As i enter the class im greeted by roughly twenty eyes staring at me, did i say staring i meant judging.

I take a look myself and notice people like the dark coloured girl at the front with long dark puple hair and a bandage on her left stump similiar to the on i also have on my left stump.

I take a glance at the back to notice two faces looking at me, one is a girl with dark purple hair similiar to the girl at the front, but when she catches me looking at her she moves her hand to her face, i notice that her hand is badly scared but im not descusted by it more, curious.

The other person is a boy with brown hair similair to my own but hes is spiked up a bit, i can’t see anything wrong with him so im guessing its whats on the inside.

Turning my head to the left i notice a girl with blue hair and glasses staring at me as though i was some sort of villian it kind of scares me but of course i don’t let it show i just smile in return.

There's also a girl next to her with pink hair which has been styled into. Drills? Alright then, not that down style is diffrent in Japan, she also has the biggest grin plasterd on her face similar to the chesser cat from Alice in wonderland.

I wanted to carry my anaylis of the students but im interupted by a firm hand on my shoulder and Mutou saying.

“Please welcome our new student George Lowe.” He gestures me to introduce myself so here goes.

Alright George just say whats on your mind, oi head up duffous.

“Hi like Mutou said im George, im origonlly from England i like rugby and adore dubstep”. I notice the girl at the fronts ears pick up and a smile form on her face once i say dubstep.

“Hopefully i’ll get the pleasure of meeting all of you.” Then everyone claps and Mutou gestures me to take a seat, i decide to take a seat next to the boy at the back with the brown hair.

As i take a seat and a notebook out my vans rucksack im gretted by a heart warming smile.

”Hi im Hisao Naki its a pleasure to meet you” Normally people would say that as way of being nice but i actually think he means it.

“Likewise” I reply but Hisao is quick to reply.

“So George your not from here.”

“No like i said i come from England its was abit of a shock to see how places and people are diffrent here.” I say.

“How so” Hisao reply's.

“For a start we would never see a girl with pink hair in drills.” He laughs at this and reply's.

“Thats just Misha id just leave her be, but if theres anything else you want to know let me know.” Of course im concened with the girl next to Hisao with the scars, so i lean forward and get a glimpse of her scars on her face she dosn’t notice me because shes so into the book shes reading.

“Concerned about Hanako i see” Hisao mentioning her name seems to perk her ear yet she still reads her book. “I know shes a bit shy but trust me shes a lovely person.” Im curious of how he knows this so i ask him.

“How do you know?”

“Shes my girlfreind.” Wow didn’t see that coming, my look of surprise seems to entertain him and Hanako smiles at the word “girlfreind”. “Listen if your not busy then id like to invite you to lunch.” Hisao says i deciede to mess with him a bit.

“Hisao, you’ve got a girlfreind yet your asking me to lunch, forshame.” He chuckles at this and says

“Not just me Hanako will be there also a mate of ours im sure you’ll love her.” Love her might be stretching it a bit far but i decide to take him up on that offer and then my first class here begins.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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JTemby
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by JTemby » Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:12 am

I really enjoy the direction of which you're taking the plot and your complete lack of self insert.
I look forward to reading more, keep up the good work, broseph.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:28 am

JTemby wrote:I really enjoy the direction of which you're taking the plot and your complete lack of self insert.
I look forward to reading more, keep up the good work, broseph.
I really hope your being serious and if so I really appreciate the feed back broseph :D

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:04 am

The luch bell signals the end of class which is like music to my ears, i pack up my notes and see Hisao talking to Hanako so i deciede to head over.

“Hey Hisao and its a pleasure to meet you Hanako.” She forms a small smile but still shys away a bit.

“H-Hi” One simple word yet she says it with so much stamering it sounds almost like a record on a loop, im guessing her scars might be something to do with that.

“Right then shall we head out.” Hisao trying his best to lighten the mood.

“Y-Yeh lets g-go.” Once again with the stamering but i guess change takes time.

“Were are we going may i ask.” Im actually quite curious so i guess you could say my curoisity got the better of me. Tapping his nose to Hanako Hisao then turns to me with a smile plasterd on his face and says.

“Its a surprise.” Great more surprises.

“Hisao can i ask you something.”

“Shoot”

“Do you anywhere or anyone i could workout with.” Hisao seems to cring at the thought, is he lazy?

“Well im not the best person to ask about that but i guess if you.”

“HISAO” Hanako’s sudden interjection shocked me as well as Hisao when she suddenly pulls him back, i began to wonder what was wrong until im suddenly knocked down to the floor.

“Ahhh what was that.” Rubbing my forhead and getting up im greeted by three faces, two of which is Hanako and Hisao seeing if im alright the other is a girl on the floor rubbing her forhead. She has strawberry blonde hair in pigtails and is wearing what looks to be a running uniform but the strangest think is her legs, they appear to be prostectics made of metal so im guessing there her running blades. I offer her a hand and she accepts it and i pull her up.

“Emi you remember what happend last time you ran in the hallway.” Ahh so im guessing the girl is this Emi that Hisao was speaking off whats more shocking is the fact that this isn’t the first time its happened.

“Sorry Hisao, Hanako and...hmm i don’t think we’ve met, hi im Emi Iberaskai.”

“George Lowe, ive never met some one with such a blunt introduction.” Rubbing my forehead for empthasis, it didn’t hurt much but i couldn’t help it and she seemed to giggle at this,then she snapped her fingers like she just rememberd something.

“George Lowe, perfect i was just sent to fetch you for the nurse.” I guess the nurse does need to see me, so i apoloygise to Hisao and Hanako and tell them we can do lunch tomorrow, they humbily accepted and made their leave i then turned to Emi.

“Well im all yours you lead the way.” And with that we made our leave.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

Silentcook
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Silentcook » Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:45 am

You're missing a lot of commas. As a result, your sentences tend to be rather run-on. There are several more general issues with grammar and spelling, but these two are the ones that leapt up at me.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sat Jan 05, 2013 12:34 pm

Silentcook wrote:You're missing a lot of commas. As a result, your sentences tend to be rather run-on. There are several more general issues with grammar and spelling, but these two are the ones that leapt up at me.
Thank you for the help and I will try to sort it out :D

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Jan 05, 2013 5:51 pm

First of all I suggest you look for a proofreader. I guess English isn't your native language, and there are too many things to correct to do it all in this thread.
Next, try not to have your character experience all the exact same things that happened to Hisao. Try to be more original.
Another thing... Why did your character decide to go to Yamaku? His family lives in England, and he didn't even speak the language. There has to be a good reason why he didn't choose a similar school in England.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Sat Jan 05, 2013 7:37 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:First of all I suggest you look for a proofreader. I guess English isn't your native language, and there are too many things to correct to do it all in this thread.
Next, try not to have your character experience all the exact same things that happened to Hisao. Try to be more original.
Another thing... Why did your character decide to go to Yamaku? His family lives in England, and he didn't even speak the language. There has to be a good reason why he didn't choose a similar school in England.
no need to shock u but England is my original country but im 14 and have dyspraxia but thank u for your feedback and i'll try to put that into my wrighting

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:15 am

The trip to the nurses office was far more entertaining then i ever thought it would be. Emi seems to be far nicer then her introduction said she was, she appartlley is “the fastest thing on no legs” she’ll have to prove that to me one day.

She also told me about Hisao and Hanako and what they both used to act like, appartlley Hisao was a very glum young man who would rairly crack a smile. As for Hanako she was a extremlly shy person who would run away if uncomftable. Yet when they bothed opened up they changed significantly, Hisao was more cheerful and Hanako would talk to people that talked to her.

“Hey George.” Said Emi.

“Hmm.” I reply.

“Would you like to join me on my morning runs.” Wow first day yet a cute girl is asking me to run with her in the mornings, sure its a easy way to get healthy plus she can be my motavation i guess. But i still feel like teasing is necercery.

“Whats in it for me?” Shes quick to reply.

“Well apart from seeing the cutest girl in the school every morning you will also be able to join me for lunch including a freind.” Cutest girl in school really, not at all confident but i agree to the offer non the less but teasing is in my blood and i just can’t stop.

“So Emi you tell the cutest girl in school to meet me on the track in the mornings.” She shows a look of anger that quickly shifts into a fist into my arm.

“You ass, are you saying im not cute.” Then she pouts but not just any pout, a really cute pout, a pout so cute it made me feel like i flattened a thousand puppies with a steam roller.

“Not at all Emi, your very cute.” Im not exactlly lying because she is really cute yet i wouldn’t say it to her face, oh wait i just did. Crap.

“Awww your sooo sweet.” She says this with a smile almost as big as Misha’s.

Finally we approach what looks like the nurses office why does it look like it manly because the plaque on the door saying head nurse.

“I’ll here untill your done.” I guess the whole lunch thing starts today, but shes been so nice to me and i can’t leave her outside on her own.

“You could come in with me, you know.”

“Won’t you mind.”

“Off course not.” And with that Emi smiles and gives three sharp knocks on the door.

“Doors open.” Says the voice behind the door.

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:00 pm

kind of a short scene so I might put another one up later if u really want me to thanks

We enter and see a young man properly in his twenty's with light purple hair and a white doctors coat on.

“Ahhh Emi I see you’ve brought a boy with you could this be the man you were looking for” He says this with the most smug grin I've ever seen but Emi seems to laugh and says.

“No nurse this was the man you’ve always been looking for.” He smiles and laughs at this, I'm still shocked at their relaxed relationship I remember when I had to call teacher sir or miss.

“So you must be George Lowe, I'm the head nurse can you take a seat so I can look at your arm.” I nod and take my seat, the nurse then unbandages my stump and inspects it closely. He then stands up and says.

“Well everything looks in check I won’t keep your boyfriend in here any longer Emi.” Emi rolls her eyes at that and leaves quickly after her I make my leave I give a quick nod and a smile to the nurse whose smile gets even wider.

Emi is outside still as cheerey as she was.

“So were to then.” I ask.

“We normally eat on the rooftop follow me.” And with that Emi starts skipping to the rooftop and I follow in suite.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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DanjaDoom
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by DanjaDoom » Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:45 pm

Yep, proofreader.

Don't worry, I've had Silentcook on my ass plenty of times for shit in my stories; it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Not saying you are, but, yeah, I'll just stop talking now.
My fine literary endeavors: Real, M&M, Rat Race, and Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness. Feel free to stroke my ego and read them.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey-Sanic

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:05 pm

DanjaDoom wrote:Yep, proofreader.

Don't worry, I've had Silentcook on my ass plenty of times for shit in my stories; it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Not saying you are, but, yeah, I'll just stop talking now.
to be an honest I'm ashamed a bit but hearing someone else have the same problem makes me feel a bit better
And by the way love all your stories pure genius

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DanjaDoom
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by DanjaDoom » Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:59 pm

geolord11 wrote:
DanjaDoom wrote:Yep, proofreader.

Don't worry, I've had Silentcook on my ass plenty of times for shit in my stories; it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Not saying you are, but, yeah, I'll just stop talking now.
to be an honest I'm ashamed a bit but hearing someone else have the same problem makes me feel a bit better
And by the way love all your stories pure genius
Pretty sure everyone here has used a proofreader at least once.

Gracias, by the way.
My fine literary endeavors: Real, M&M, Rat Race, and Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness. Feel free to stroke my ego and read them.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey-Sanic

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geolord11
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Re: Brand new Emi route

Post by geolord11 » Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:36 pm

Alright a scene with Rin please don't criticise me too much thanks

I open the door to the rooftop to be assaulted with a big bright light known as the sun beaming into my eyes.

“Hello.” Says a voice but I can’t see what they look like curtsey of the sun. Emi squishes past me and says.

“Hey Rin sorry I took so long, this is George he's new.”

“ I thought he was George.” The sun is now hiding behind a huge tree so I can now see, and what I see is Emi sitting on one side of a bench and this Rin person on the other side.

Rin herself has short red hair and is wearing a boys uniform if it wasn't for her chest I swear she was a boy. But like everyone else here she was "different", the thing with Rin is she has no arms, well she has arms up to her elbows but the end of her shirt is tied so it hides the end of her “arms”.

“Hey George are you just going to stand there or are ya gonna take a seat.” Emi’s sudden outburst snaps me back to reality and I take my seat and grab my sandwiches out my bag.

“Why would he take a seat when he can sit on one.” By the look on Rins face the tone of her voice shows that she's not making a joke but actually being serious, I just raise an eyebrow at this but Rin just stares at me and asks.

“What's wrong with you.”

“Nothing” I reply but she looks at me like I said the wrong answer.

“No there must be something wrong with you, Emi has no legs and I have no arms.” She even wiggles her stumps in order to empathise her point, I guess I'm still not used to the whole “disabled” thing yet but I play along and tell her.

“Missing my left hand.” I decide not to mention my dyspraxia, well not yet, Rin just looks at me with a downcast expression and then says.

“Disappointing we already have one of you, Miki Miura in your class has the same problem on the same hand.” Disappointing what does she mean by that, what am I to her just a model, Emi properly noticed my annoyance and nudged me.

“Hey don’t look so glum this is just how Rin is, just ignore her, but anyway your not from around here are you.”

Maybe I look more British then I think, either that or I don’t look very Japanese.

“No I'm actually English I moved here after my accident.” I seem to always get a bit sad when I think about the accident its something I never want to think of ever again.

"Why?"

"It was the only school available at the time." England isn't really the best place for physically disabled people, well the kids aren't anyway. One day I had enough of all the name calling that I tried to end my life. Luckily my Mum caught me in the act and ever since that day tried looking for a school which would accept people like me. She explained to my father what happened and he also began the search. Couple of months back my parents told me I would be coming here, so everyday after school I was learning Japanese. It took me several months but when I was ready I made my goodbyes and left for the airport. And that's how I'm here to this day.

“Does that mean your family's still in England.” I guess Emi’s more caring then I thought.

“Afraid so.” Its true that I miss them but I will be sending my parents emails every three weeks to tell them how I'm doing.

”Awww thats so sad, well don’t worry me and Rin can be your new family.” Thats the niceist thing anyone has ever offerd me, but Rin is quick to interject.

“No we can’t we’re not related at all.” Emi didn’t reply to her depressing attitude

“George if theres anything you need to talk about im always here, now hurry up and eat your sandwich's.”

Its a nice thought of hers but i don’t think i can, well not yet I don’t really know her well enough.

Please like I said leave thoughts, ideas, feedback and comments thank you

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