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Fiandra
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Fiandra » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:38 pm

Oh snap, the suspense. So many questions. I'm looking forward for the next chapter
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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:25 am

Doomish wrote:she's alrady walking away
Caught that for you.
Doomish wrote:I hastily fold the envelope back up and stumble away from the table. Len Mao leans back in his chair; I catch a glimpse of him checking his watch yet again as I disappear back up the stairs. A man has come into the lobby wearing formal blue to contrast with Len Mao's garish suit. They both look particularly pleased to see each other.
With the next line being Hanako suddenly on her floor again, I feel like this is a bit disjointed. Perhaps the earlier disappearance up the stairs should be a movement towards them, and then add a bit at the end there saying something to the effect of "but as I begin ascending the stairs my view of them becomes blocked. I dare not linger out of fear of seeming like I'm eavesdropping".
Doomish wrote:check the shower for the brush, and I comply
Dropped a full stop there, mate.
Doomish wrote:I bring a hand to my forehead, shaking it gently, before I realize it's spotty and wet. I take one look at the redness covering my fingertips and gasp in fright, scrambling to my feet. The mirror is cracked; there's a little pool of slowly drying blood dripping down the side of the sink. It seems I slipped in the puddle and fell right over.
After the fall, I thought the blood was Hanako's, and that she'd split her head open or something. Perhaps it would be advisable to make it more clear that that is not the case.

Other than those, I have no complaints. The dodgy rationalisation of Hanako not leaving of her own volition actually sounds pretty logical, as ironic as that sounds. Not to imply that Hanako is such, but people with certain afflictions often have an astounding ability to contruct reasons for not changing their situation. Consider hoarders or drug addicts; "I can stop whenever I want to" etc. I can easily see someone with an incredible fear of taking charge of their own life coming up with silly rationalisations like Hanako's to get out of facing that fear. Also, Takai's "rescue" isn't going to go to plan, I can feel it. It wouldn't be worth writing if it was a simple as "and then he saved her and everything was happy the end". I predict some major drama in the next chapter or two (depending on how much content you cover with them). In any case, I'm looking forward to it.
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nemz
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by nemz » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:30 am

She's been paid in advance for her client services... Mao isn't going to wait long before 'requesting' that service is rendered.

Also the fact that she accepted the cash is going to make it much harder to convince others she wasn't just another working girl.
Last edited by nemz on Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Doomish
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Doomish » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:31 am

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote: Caught that for you.
At least one every chapter, I swear. I don't think I'll ever have a chapter of any story where I get everything right. Alas.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:With the next line being Hanako suddenly on her floor again, I feel like this is a bit disjointed. Perhaps the earlier disappearance up the stairs should be a movement towards them, and then add a bit at the end there saying something to the effect of "but as I begin ascending the stairs my view of them becomes blocked. I dare not linger out of fear of seeming like I'm eavesdropping".
Yeah, I get what you mean. I'll do a little rephrasing.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Dropped a full stop there, mate.
I'm not sure I understand. The sentence continues after that! :V

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Thu Jan 31, 2013 3:04 am

Doomish wrote:I'm not sure I understand. The sentence continues after that! :V
Um. I don't know. I could have sworn there was a line break there before or something. But there's nothing now. Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me.
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:15 am

Takai is coming to get me tonight. Even if I do leave, I'm still stuck in Sendai. This is THEIR city. I've never been here before in my life. I don't know the streets, I don't know the territory. I'd have no idea where to go.
I've never been to Sendai either, but even with only my rudimentary Japanese skills to rely on, I'd trust myself to find the nearest subway station and read the map well enough to get back to whatever town Yamaku is located in.
Besides that guy does own one brothel and a maid cafe not the whole of Sendai.
If it weren't for Takai, I'd have no way to get back to my hometown.
It's called a subway. They do have those in Japan, you know. They even have Taxis.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Doomish
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Doomish » Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:58 pm

Sucks that Hanako doesn't plan on leaving then, doesn't it!

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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by LegyPlegy » Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:27 pm

....
This fanfiction is horribly well written, disturbingly dark, and the fact that the worst parts of it are from my imagination (and my precious hanako.. :C) make me sick...


but that won't stop me from reading it c:
Damn paper trails

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Oddball
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Oddball » Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:44 pm

Doomish wrote:Sucks that Hanako doesn't plan on leaving then, doesn't it!
I thought she did plan on leaving, you know, with that guy who she doesn't know that kidnapped her and sold her. You know, the person she trusts.

Granted, that's not as bad as her getting a pep talk about how this place is so great and she'll be accepted and not judged, right after the bit about even the mold having mold and the other girl calls her a whore.

The "logic" in this story just never quite gels.
Not Dead Yet

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Doomish
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Doomish » Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:22 am

The logic you're seeing in the story is as human as I can make it. Hanako's rationalization for waiting for Takai is flimsy, yes, but it's because she honestly believes she'd be safer with him than on her own. The reason she trusts him is because now she knows his ulterior motive for selling her, and she's so obsessed with going home- despite the reasoning for not just leaving by herself -that she's willing to take a free ride out from anyone. Takai has already demonstrated that Hanako can trust him by coming back when he said he would, but then that escape didn't pan out because Len Mao returned.

Len Mao says it's a great place and she'll be accepted because he owns the place. That's just what he honestly thinks about it, he says so himself. What, you think he's going to shit talk his own establishment? Hanako even says herself that she doesn't buy into it after the conversation is over because, as you noted, the mold has mold and people aren't afraid to call each other what they are.

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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [1/30]

Post by Dream » Sun Feb 10, 2013 3:17 am

Hmm, the story seems to have a very interesting and unexpected direction in the last chapter. As always, it's keeping me on the edge on my seat and eagerly looking forward for me. This is quite a tale indeed, likely among the best fanfictions i've ever read, both of KS and in general.
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Doomish
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [2/14]

Post by Doomish » Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:19 am

Forget it.
Last edited by Doomish on Wed Jul 17, 2013 4:01 am, edited 3 times in total.

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nemz
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [2/14]

Post by nemz » Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:51 am

Hmm... I don't trust Lilly in this just on general principle as much as her acting oddly, but it still feels like a major stretch to say she's involved in more than a tertiary way. Badmouthing Hisao after the argument enough to motivate Hanako to run off to a bar, for instance, though If she actually suggested that trip she'd probably have gone along.

My other suspicion is that Miyo is a former 'associate' of Mao's and Takai bought her freedom by trading Hanako for her.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

AverageRob
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [2/14]

Post by AverageRob » Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:59 pm

This is getting heated, Hisao going detective mode.
Your story and all, I'm sure you have plans.
Wouldn't they have maybe contacted Akira, especially since Hisao could very easily die from angering someone that decides his chest is a good area to place their fist.

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Hacksorus
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Re: Misstep [Hanako] [EXPLICIT CONTENT] [2/14]

Post by Hacksorus » Fri Feb 15, 2013 1:12 am

AverageRob wrote: Wouldn't they have maybe contacted Akira, especially since Hisao could very easily die from angering someone that decides his chest is a good area to place their fist.
Agreed.
I don't know why he wanted Lilly to come into this so badly, I wouldn't be in any hurry to bring along a blind girl into the house of who is quite likely a kidnapper. I would sooner bring Kenji than go alone, he would be easy to convince. Although, that WOULD be rather anticlimactic.

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