LIFE OF HANAKO
The "Lotus Child"
The night began softly,
As I hold and cuddle my beautiful Hanako in the embracing warmth of our fireplace.
Both of us snuggling each other with the innocence of affectionate little kittens.
A crackle of the fire split my attention for a sharp moment, the brief blooming of a flower of embers clouds my thoughts with dancing flames. And I wonder again ..what happened to my precious Hanako before I met her.
I made a promise to myself, for her sake, that it's not something that matters to either of us. How she lost her family and was bathed in scars for it, was something best left forgotten and undisturbed-
Oh, she saw me ..mulling again. "Yes, ..I'm sorry Hanako, I.. I just can't help thinking about-", I almost say "the fire" before I stop myself; "what happened to you. What.. hurt you so deeply. And how helpless I feel that I can't do Anything at all to help you."
She looks to me, her eyes confirming my fear that I've said something pretentious and hurtful. I almost wished she would cry instead of just keeping her silent stare that runs so deep into my soul.
But she closes her eyes and smiles. Thank God She Smiles. Oh God, I breathe a sigh of poorly hidden relief, before a measure of coldness creeps back into my chest, when a calm storm of sadness clouds her eyes and her beautiful smile drops to being barely recognisable.
I feel again the cold invisible wall protecting her precious heart, and I wish, I dare, to tear it down between us, so I can hold her with all my strength, and tell her with all my heart that it's alright. "I'm with you-"
"It happened when I was eight."
"There was.. there was..", she shudders ever so slightly before forcing herself to go on;
A fire. In our house. My father jumped out the window and.. fell to his death. My mother forced her way into my room, she was badly burnt and almost dead when she found me. I was crying in bed. Screaming for my mother, not the shambling burning monster that held me, and comforted me. Telling me it was alright, that she was with me.
I fought and screamed in tears, still calling for my mother, yelling at the horrible bleeding thing to let me go. She died keeping the flames from killing me entirely. And I screamed alone, crying myself to sleep, waking up in a bed of ashes to a sky that fell down on me. The sky of a world that went on treating Me like a monster as I kept on living in it.
But that's not what I want you to know about myself. That did not define me. That was just.. pain.
Let me tell you another story about myself. Let me tell you about.. hmm? Lilly? Well, you can ask her about my time at Yamaku, I don't think I have much to say other than I was a ..recluse. For a while. For a very long while. That was a very Tender time to me, my life was starting to come together again, only I didn't quite know it then.
And there was this.. boy. Hisao. He was very handsome. A transfer student. P-Please don't be jealous. I-I, he.. he was my f-f-First Love. H-He was special. He was.. he had a, heart disease. Erratic rhythm.
...
He was when I first felt, Worthy again. I felt happy being with him. Lilly was.. my chance to make up for all the wrong I've done. And Hisao was my chance to be happy again, and we came close to each other. We became friends.
...
There were times when I felt they were catering to me, as a.. special needs person. Err, everyone at Yamaku was a special needs person, but I was the only one who wasn't.. disabled. Just scarred. And I felt really really bad that they were treating me better than everyone else.
I felt shame.. at that. I felt like I was a bad useless person, making everyone so worried about me. I thought.. I thought maybe it was better that they didn't became friends with me. I thought if I locked myself in my room, that they would give up a little on me. I didn't want to them to try so hard for me. I'm not worthy.
But he did make me feel special, that I was worth being a person again. That we could be happy together. He looked so sad when he first transferred, and I even impolitely ran away from our first conversation. I think I was scared, that if I got to know him, like all my other friends, he would start to turn on me. Going behind my back and calling me names.
But.. that was very silly of me. I just didn't trust people anymore then, and I never truly believed that I wouldn't be betrayed like in my old schools, I never trusted the teachers and the nurses when they said that mocking and bullying would never happen at Yamaku. I didn't trust anyone. So no one would talk to me.
I really didn't like people.. I suppose.. they all looked so fake when they talked to me, pretending like my scars weren't there or didn't bother them. Very very fake smiles. Like this. See? See how fake that is? I kept practicing in the mirror so I would never smile like that, but.. then I saw it was only my ugly face that was reflected back at me.
Lilly and Hisao would never do that to me.. well, Lilly can't.. really, well she.. I let her touch my scars once, and I felt ..Happy, her hand reminded of how my mother would caress my face when I was little. The most beautiful way I've ever known to have someone tell me they love me.
...
I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm crying, I'm just... remembering.
...
H-Hisao.. Hisao was the first who ever saw me crying, when I messed up my first time with him, when I.. ruined our first intimate moment together.
I felt very bad with myself, he trusted me, and I disappointed him with our first special night together.
I was not special, I was just a special needs person, a useless piece of twig, I didn't want him to leave me, I wanted him to be with me and I ended up destroying our most precious moment together.
But he.. comforted me. He held me and kept me safe and warm.
He kept me.
He said he was sorry too, for the way he was acting, and that he would never throw me away. He said he loved me.
I believed him.
I Loved him.
I Truly Loved Hisao.
We spent our time together, with happiness around us.
I think that was when I stopped being so.. shy.
And my other classmates were happy too, as if congratulating me.
I think that was the happiest time I ever knew in all my schooling years, even when there was less than a year left, but I felt happy enough; it was as if life was making up for all the time I squandered it alone.
I didn't just started trusting people, I think,
I think that was when I started trusting myself.
LIFE OF HANAKO
-
LordDarknus
- Posts: 510
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am
I look at Hanako, as her smile grows each time she remembers a fond memory, and unconsciously tugs at my heart to smile with her.
But something bothers me still,
I know who Lilly is, I've met and talked to her many times before, but..
Hisao? ...oh,
he's.. gone.
He's at peace.
I think that's what I want you to know about me..
About 'us', I suppose.
After graduation, ..I think; that was the story that defines me.
And so, with the briefest of smiles, and stern determination; she told me her story.
I listened to her, I cried with her, I.. Changed with her.
But she added at the end, that I should go and talk to Lilly about it. I have to ask Lilly for her side of what happened, since it was something that Hanako herself could never Ever bring herself to tell me.
I was curious really, and she even made me Promise to ask Lilly to tell me the exact same story.
I said I will, when we visit Lilly together again- "No," she said, I had to go ask Lilly as soon as possible. Alone.
And so days later, when I finally found the chance to come and talk to Lilly, and chuckled a little while explaining Hanako's rather quirky behaviour that led me to here, I instantly lost my silly demeanour when Lilly's lips straightened to thin pale line, as her eyes darkened into wells of sadness.
I see the teacup in her hand trembling, almost noisily as she sets it down and composes herself.
Maybe there is a deeper reason for why Hanako made me come all the way here, just to listen to the same story.
My eyes are briefly entranced by the swirling storm in the little teacup, before Lilly dabs her lips with her handkerchief, and asks seriously, almost gravely, whether Hanako really sent for me to ask about what happened.
"Yes. Hanako was adamant about it, ..why? Is something the matter Lilly?"
"No, ..no. I think Hanako herself is showing improvement, if she shared with you her feelings on the event. ..And I think it's only fair that I do as she requests."
"By the time of her graduation, I was already living in Scotland with my family."
We gave Hanako our Summer House in Hokkaido, since we were never coming back to Japan.
That was a bit of a mistake. That house was very special to Hanako, and I didn't think how fixated she'd become on it, the ..lengths she would go to, ..to maintain the illusion of her happy home.
..With Hisao, ...they moved in together, almost after graduation. Their test results hadn't been announced yet.
I felt how happy they were, together as they played in the snow. The two of them loved each with the devotion of a newly-wed couple.
And in their passion, they ..had a child. A beautiful baby boy, named Hikaru.
Hikaru.. the light of Hanako's life. Named after Hikaru Agata, apparently, Hanako said Agata had an amusing resemblance to Hisao.
I thought she was improving a lot, I thought with her baby she would grow up into a beautiful woman. I never suspected the stress it must have put on her.
My conversations on the phone with her grew more and more childish, I thought she was happy, but I didn't believe myself when I knew something was wrong.
Hisao's results must have been very good, his science teacher said he had a very good future ahead of him, one that involved University. A life Away from Hanako's happy home, and a life of stress and pressure that would strain even a normal person.
One time, when I called, Hanako or Hisao had picked up but didn't answer, absentmindedly leaving the phone hanging, I listened as they fought and argued over Hikaru's unheeded crying in the distance, my ears were hearing what I couldn't believe but knew was true; Hanako was mentally regressing into a child's state of mind.
She had never had a proper childhood, ...the happiness Hisao and I had given her was only taking away her reality, I had let Hanako fall into a world where she could be happy and Only Happy. Nothing else. She had no reason no grow up anymore.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, not because Lilly's story is not what Hanako had told me at all, but because of the sadness and self-hatred that was in Lilly's voice.
And the way she talks about Hanako, it's almost as if Lilly is ..disappointed in Hanako, not with contempt or disdain, but with utter sorrow and heartbreak.
Is this the reason for the inexplicable emotional distance I've noticed between them? I had nonchalantly assumed it was something minor, maybe Lilly had feelings of her own for Hisao, but as Lilly continues, the real reason is slowly, and harshly illuminated under the unforgivingly stark light of truth.
"After the shock of disbelief and wasting so much time in self-doubt, I arranged for a visit the very next month, to try and help Hisao with Hanako's mental state."
"I still can never forgive myself for taking so long, what if I had went sooner? What if I wasn't such a Fool? What if.."
"I immediately knew something was wrong, Hanako tended to me graciously as a host, but I knew the silence was something terribly terribly wrong."
...
It was a warm clear day when I arrived, I was waiting for Hanako while she was busy preparing tea. But I felt the urgency to immediately get up and find Hisao or Hikaru. Both of them should be in the main bedroom, Hanako said Hikaru was tired and sleeping, and Hisao was busy watching him.
As soon as I opened the door the stench of rotting corpses split my mind,
Hisao must have had a heart attack, and Hikaru..
I am disgusted.
This is Not what Hanako had told me.
Lilly must have had time to overcome it, as she continues with what happened;
"I spent a month seeing a therapist, while Hanako spent at least a year in an asylum."
Hisao's parents were the hardest hit, there was no possible way I could have helped them.
Hisao and Hikaru were cremated. Their ashes given away to the winds of a beach. It was the only solace we all had.
When I heard Hanako had finally recovered, I wasn't happy to hear it.
I didn't know how to take it, to be honest.
I just let her talk to me, and we both pretend we're still friends.
And when you came into her life, I was disturbingly concerned.
But your relationship with her seems to be helping her recover, enough so that she would tell you what happened.
What? What do you mean? That's what happened. What did Hanako tell you what happened?
But something bothers me still,
I know who Lilly is, I've met and talked to her many times before, but..
Hisao? ...oh,
he's.. gone.
He's at peace.
I think that's what I want you to know about me..
About 'us', I suppose.
After graduation, ..I think; that was the story that defines me.
And so, with the briefest of smiles, and stern determination; she told me her story.
I listened to her, I cried with her, I.. Changed with her.
But she added at the end, that I should go and talk to Lilly about it. I have to ask Lilly for her side of what happened, since it was something that Hanako herself could never Ever bring herself to tell me.
I was curious really, and she even made me Promise to ask Lilly to tell me the exact same story.
I said I will, when we visit Lilly together again- "No," she said, I had to go ask Lilly as soon as possible. Alone.
And so days later, when I finally found the chance to come and talk to Lilly, and chuckled a little while explaining Hanako's rather quirky behaviour that led me to here, I instantly lost my silly demeanour when Lilly's lips straightened to thin pale line, as her eyes darkened into wells of sadness.
I see the teacup in her hand trembling, almost noisily as she sets it down and composes herself.
Maybe there is a deeper reason for why Hanako made me come all the way here, just to listen to the same story.
My eyes are briefly entranced by the swirling storm in the little teacup, before Lilly dabs her lips with her handkerchief, and asks seriously, almost gravely, whether Hanako really sent for me to ask about what happened.
"Yes. Hanako was adamant about it, ..why? Is something the matter Lilly?"
"No, ..no. I think Hanako herself is showing improvement, if she shared with you her feelings on the event. ..And I think it's only fair that I do as she requests."
"By the time of her graduation, I was already living in Scotland with my family."
We gave Hanako our Summer House in Hokkaido, since we were never coming back to Japan.
That was a bit of a mistake. That house was very special to Hanako, and I didn't think how fixated she'd become on it, the ..lengths she would go to, ..to maintain the illusion of her happy home.
..With Hisao, ...they moved in together, almost after graduation. Their test results hadn't been announced yet.
I felt how happy they were, together as they played in the snow. The two of them loved each with the devotion of a newly-wed couple.
And in their passion, they ..had a child. A beautiful baby boy, named Hikaru.
Hikaru.. the light of Hanako's life. Named after Hikaru Agata, apparently, Hanako said Agata had an amusing resemblance to Hisao.
I thought she was improving a lot, I thought with her baby she would grow up into a beautiful woman. I never suspected the stress it must have put on her.
My conversations on the phone with her grew more and more childish, I thought she was happy, but I didn't believe myself when I knew something was wrong.
Hisao's results must have been very good, his science teacher said he had a very good future ahead of him, one that involved University. A life Away from Hanako's happy home, and a life of stress and pressure that would strain even a normal person.
One time, when I called, Hanako or Hisao had picked up but didn't answer, absentmindedly leaving the phone hanging, I listened as they fought and argued over Hikaru's unheeded crying in the distance, my ears were hearing what I couldn't believe but knew was true; Hanako was mentally regressing into a child's state of mind.
She had never had a proper childhood, ...the happiness Hisao and I had given her was only taking away her reality, I had let Hanako fall into a world where she could be happy and Only Happy. Nothing else. She had no reason no grow up anymore.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, not because Lilly's story is not what Hanako had told me at all, but because of the sadness and self-hatred that was in Lilly's voice.
And the way she talks about Hanako, it's almost as if Lilly is ..disappointed in Hanako, not with contempt or disdain, but with utter sorrow and heartbreak.
Is this the reason for the inexplicable emotional distance I've noticed between them? I had nonchalantly assumed it was something minor, maybe Lilly had feelings of her own for Hisao, but as Lilly continues, the real reason is slowly, and harshly illuminated under the unforgivingly stark light of truth.
"After the shock of disbelief and wasting so much time in self-doubt, I arranged for a visit the very next month, to try and help Hisao with Hanako's mental state."
"I still can never forgive myself for taking so long, what if I had went sooner? What if I wasn't such a Fool? What if.."
"I immediately knew something was wrong, Hanako tended to me graciously as a host, but I knew the silence was something terribly terribly wrong."
...
It was a warm clear day when I arrived, I was waiting for Hanako while she was busy preparing tea. But I felt the urgency to immediately get up and find Hisao or Hikaru. Both of them should be in the main bedroom, Hanako said Hikaru was tired and sleeping, and Hisao was busy watching him.
As soon as I opened the door the stench of rotting corpses split my mind,
Hisao must have had a heart attack, and Hikaru..
I am disgusted.
This is Not what Hanako had told me.
Lilly must have had time to overcome it, as she continues with what happened;
"I spent a month seeing a therapist, while Hanako spent at least a year in an asylum."
Hisao's parents were the hardest hit, there was no possible way I could have helped them.
Hisao and Hikaru were cremated. Their ashes given away to the winds of a beach. It was the only solace we all had.
When I heard Hanako had finally recovered, I wasn't happy to hear it.
I didn't know how to take it, to be honest.
I just let her talk to me, and we both pretend we're still friends.
And when you came into her life, I was disturbingly concerned.
But your relationship with her seems to be helping her recover, enough so that she would tell you what happened.
What? What do you mean? That's what happened. What did Hanako tell you what happened?
Last edited by LordDarknus on Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
LordDarknus
- Posts: 510
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am
I try and compose myself, and start again Hanako's version of the story in my mind.
She said that after graduation, she was planning to be wedded to Hisao, but he had accepted a scholarship to study in America's MIT.
Hanako sincerely didn't want to go, but kept quiet about it after too many bitter arguments sent him into cardiac arrest, nearly killing him.
The cold of silence hung over the two of them since, and their happy wedding lost its meaning. It was just something they already planned, and were going to complete it because it was too late to cancel everything.
But on the cold morning of the wedding day, Hanako woke up alone, with only a note explaining the wedding rings left on the table beside her. Hisao had already left Japan the night before, and after the near death from his condition cruelly reminded him that he won't live long enough to give Hanako a happy life, he decided it's best she just... forget.
Hanako read the note once, but didn't understand it, she just continued what was planned and prepared herself for her wedding, as happy as she could. And she waited as happily as can be, her wedding gown flowing in the fields.
Until the night brought despair and finality to her, taking away all meaning of what little joy she had found for herself and Hisao, in the loneliness since morning on that cold wedding day.
If she could cry, she would, but her heart was too broken to remember how.
She just waited and kept on waiting, until she remembered how to breathe and would feed herself again.
One day, without telling anyone, she bought a plane ticket and went to look for Hisao,
It took her days of searching before she could find his address,
And when she did, found him a happy new man with a beautiful blonde English woman by his side.
Not wanting to disturb Hisao, she just left as unnoticeably as when she came.
She understood the familiar feeling and the malign meaning; She was being thrown away.
Hanako was not good enough for Hisao. After all they've been through she was still a useless person to him.
But at least, at the very least to Hanako, it meant that Hisao is happy; If he could move on and find happiness for himself, Hanako was very happy for Hisao, and wished for him with all her heart; a good and happy life.
Deciding that she wants to be alone for a while, Hanako bought passage on a ship back to Japan. It would take a while, and make several long stops at various different places before coming back to Japan, but she mockingly joked that it would be a long honeymoon all to herself.
But it was a peaceful journey, she could spend the time being alone with herself and peruse the continually-renewed bookstore onboard. While she spent most of her time alone in her cabin, sometimes crying uncontrollably, she felt something warm and growing inside her.
Forcing herself to see the ship's doctor after a bout of vomiting, she was told something very unexpected. She had thought it was the violent storm outside that was rocking the ship and making her seasick, when in fact; She was pregnant. It was Hisao's son she's been carrying for so long.
It was indeed a beautiful journey. For a long time, Hanako smiled and never stopped smiling.
A flash of lightning suddenly lit up the entire room as if it was day, and gave Hanako her son's name; Hikaru.
The Light of her Life.
She started taking better care of herself, taking extra precautions and eating well. Even if it meant having to share tables and socialising with the other passengers, or just generally going Far outside of her comfort zone with other people.
She needed a job too, since her child will be born soon, despite that she did not look pregnant at all.
She took to working as a "librarian
" in the bookstore, helping catalogue the numerous books and asking customers their interests, before placing the next order and repeating the process all over again.
After a while of doing that, it became clear that she wasn't going to get enough money for a plane ticket back to Japan, and she was not about to have her child at the next stop in Sri Lanka. So for the first time in her life, Hanako asked for the sincere generosity of complete strangers, begging them on behalf of her child, for some money.
The bookstore manager, as well as the other passengers she met were more than willing to give her the needed funds to fly home, they barely knew her that well, but still they gave her more than she needed.
Reduced to tears by their compassion, Hanako thanked them profusely for their help, overpolitely bowing and shaking hands with them all before she just let the gruff but kindhearted bookstore manager hug her, and beckoning everyone else to join in the friendly group hug, wishing her well and that she may lead a fulfilling life ahead of her.
It was a beautiful moment for Hanako, something she would never forget, it was the first time she cried for joy, rather than sadness. And in the reverie of it, she spent the night on the ship's deck enjoying her last few moments onboard, before she would have to depart and make her way to an airport.
It was very fortunate that Hanako wasn't in her cabin sleeping that night, as she was the first to spot the approaching ship. It was small and incredibly quick, filled with men brandishing guns and machetes.
The few scant moments she had to alert the crew gave the ship a fighting chance, fending off the murderous pirates by dousing the ladders with oil and igniting them with flares. But it didn't stop the pirates from trying to board with grappling hooks, some of them managing to make it past the hail of small arms from the ship's crew.
The bookstore manager came to help, after finding out Hanako was missing, as a former convict with experiences of his own, he bravely, or foolishly, fought the pirates with nothing but a splintery plank of old wood ripped from his bookshelves. Hanako was stuck in the communications cabin, repeating the S.O.S. signal and broadcasting their location and emergency to anyone listening.
She finally made contact with the Indian coast guards, just as she heard the bookstore manager frantically screaming her name. Hanako stayed as long as she could on the line, giving their coordinates and identifying the ship, before foolishly leaving the relative safety of the cabin to help the manager.
It was a mistake, as she was immediately taken hostage by a pirate, suddenly stopping the bookstore manager from further fighting back, a badly beaten pirate at his hands seized the opportunity to stab the manager in the heart. Making Hanako scream and struggle, accidentally knocking over the pirate chocking her, and sending herself falling far over the railing.
Her last recollection of that night, was her lying on the wet and chaotic deck of the ship. Bleeding slowly from falling on her stomach. The sick feeling of something dying inside her. The feeling of a cold lump of flesh and endless disgust and self-hatred. Before finally losing her conscious thoughts to the madness of the darkness inside her.
When she woke up, days later at an Indian hospital, the first thing she was told was "sorry". The doctors said they were "sorry". It was the same kind of maudlin sincerity she thought she had left behind.
She felt the scars on her stomach. Where there used to be a warm beating feeling, all she felt was nothing. Only a vast unexplainable feeling of sheer ...emptiness.
It was "her fault". Hanako can't believe anything else. Even when I told her she did nothing wrong. She forced me to acknowledge that losing Hikaru is something she can never forgive herself for. She would die if it meant bringing Hikaru back from the madness of what she went through, she cannot ask forgiveness. Only a shred of understanding perhaps. Just not forgiveness.
She returned to Japan, on the same bloodied money she still had with her. She felt it would dishonour the memory of the bookstore manager if she didn't use the money.
She blames herself for that too, she knew that she could have just "call Lilly for help", but she didn't. She wanted to prove to herself that she was capable. In the madness of what happened; she wanted to take care of herself.
The shock of losing two people you love so much, it was as if she just woke up one day and found them dead beside her. Either foolishness or neglect. She knew it was her fault, but couldn't bring it to her conscious mind. She tried to cope by pretending things were alright, and just find her way home on her own. No matter how wrong it must have been.
I finish up Hanako's story on a slightly lighter note, she told me Hisao was in a coma after a heart attack. Not enough blood circulated to his brain. His parents were about to take him off life support, when Hanako returned and the doctors gave their final opinions.
She asked if she could finish their wedding, Hisao and Hanako's unfinished ceremony.
Hisao's parents agreed. If only to give Hanako some closure, as she holds no illusions anymore. If Hisao is to die, then Hanako wants to at least let his soul leave this Earth knowing he didn't die alone. That even in the end, that no matter how awful life has been, there was something worth it all.
Lilly and I make the cursory conversation on my way out, there's nothing both of us are willing to add to the stories told.
Whether Lilly thinks better of Hanako because of her story, is up to her.
But I still don't think Hanako is a bad or insane person. She's an intelligent girl who had incredibly low sense of self-worth. It's only when we listen to our own side of things, and not hers, that we end up truly misjudging her.
I spend the rest of the journey back, thinking not about what to tell Hanako, but about that book I saw Lilly reach for.
It was not in braille. And it looked like it came from a library. Maybe even Yamaku's.
It was "Life of Pi".
END
She said that after graduation, she was planning to be wedded to Hisao, but he had accepted a scholarship to study in America's MIT.
Hanako sincerely didn't want to go, but kept quiet about it after too many bitter arguments sent him into cardiac arrest, nearly killing him.
The cold of silence hung over the two of them since, and their happy wedding lost its meaning. It was just something they already planned, and were going to complete it because it was too late to cancel everything.
But on the cold morning of the wedding day, Hanako woke up alone, with only a note explaining the wedding rings left on the table beside her. Hisao had already left Japan the night before, and after the near death from his condition cruelly reminded him that he won't live long enough to give Hanako a happy life, he decided it's best she just... forget.
Hanako read the note once, but didn't understand it, she just continued what was planned and prepared herself for her wedding, as happy as she could. And she waited as happily as can be, her wedding gown flowing in the fields.
Until the night brought despair and finality to her, taking away all meaning of what little joy she had found for herself and Hisao, in the loneliness since morning on that cold wedding day.
If she could cry, she would, but her heart was too broken to remember how.
She just waited and kept on waiting, until she remembered how to breathe and would feed herself again.
One day, without telling anyone, she bought a plane ticket and went to look for Hisao,
It took her days of searching before she could find his address,
And when she did, found him a happy new man with a beautiful blonde English woman by his side.
Not wanting to disturb Hisao, she just left as unnoticeably as when she came.
She understood the familiar feeling and the malign meaning; She was being thrown away.
Hanako was not good enough for Hisao. After all they've been through she was still a useless person to him.
But at least, at the very least to Hanako, it meant that Hisao is happy; If he could move on and find happiness for himself, Hanako was very happy for Hisao, and wished for him with all her heart; a good and happy life.
Deciding that she wants to be alone for a while, Hanako bought passage on a ship back to Japan. It would take a while, and make several long stops at various different places before coming back to Japan, but she mockingly joked that it would be a long honeymoon all to herself.
But it was a peaceful journey, she could spend the time being alone with herself and peruse the continually-renewed bookstore onboard. While she spent most of her time alone in her cabin, sometimes crying uncontrollably, she felt something warm and growing inside her.
Forcing herself to see the ship's doctor after a bout of vomiting, she was told something very unexpected. She had thought it was the violent storm outside that was rocking the ship and making her seasick, when in fact; She was pregnant. It was Hisao's son she's been carrying for so long.
It was indeed a beautiful journey. For a long time, Hanako smiled and never stopped smiling.
A flash of lightning suddenly lit up the entire room as if it was day, and gave Hanako her son's name; Hikaru.
The Light of her Life.
She started taking better care of herself, taking extra precautions and eating well. Even if it meant having to share tables and socialising with the other passengers, or just generally going Far outside of her comfort zone with other people.
She needed a job too, since her child will be born soon, despite that she did not look pregnant at all.
She took to working as a "librarian
" in the bookstore, helping catalogue the numerous books and asking customers their interests, before placing the next order and repeating the process all over again.
After a while of doing that, it became clear that she wasn't going to get enough money for a plane ticket back to Japan, and she was not about to have her child at the next stop in Sri Lanka. So for the first time in her life, Hanako asked for the sincere generosity of complete strangers, begging them on behalf of her child, for some money.
The bookstore manager, as well as the other passengers she met were more than willing to give her the needed funds to fly home, they barely knew her that well, but still they gave her more than she needed.
Reduced to tears by their compassion, Hanako thanked them profusely for their help, overpolitely bowing and shaking hands with them all before she just let the gruff but kindhearted bookstore manager hug her, and beckoning everyone else to join in the friendly group hug, wishing her well and that she may lead a fulfilling life ahead of her.
It was a beautiful moment for Hanako, something she would never forget, it was the first time she cried for joy, rather than sadness. And in the reverie of it, she spent the night on the ship's deck enjoying her last few moments onboard, before she would have to depart and make her way to an airport.
It was very fortunate that Hanako wasn't in her cabin sleeping that night, as she was the first to spot the approaching ship. It was small and incredibly quick, filled with men brandishing guns and machetes.
The few scant moments she had to alert the crew gave the ship a fighting chance, fending off the murderous pirates by dousing the ladders with oil and igniting them with flares. But it didn't stop the pirates from trying to board with grappling hooks, some of them managing to make it past the hail of small arms from the ship's crew.
The bookstore manager came to help, after finding out Hanako was missing, as a former convict with experiences of his own, he bravely, or foolishly, fought the pirates with nothing but a splintery plank of old wood ripped from his bookshelves. Hanako was stuck in the communications cabin, repeating the S.O.S. signal and broadcasting their location and emergency to anyone listening.
She finally made contact with the Indian coast guards, just as she heard the bookstore manager frantically screaming her name. Hanako stayed as long as she could on the line, giving their coordinates and identifying the ship, before foolishly leaving the relative safety of the cabin to help the manager.
It was a mistake, as she was immediately taken hostage by a pirate, suddenly stopping the bookstore manager from further fighting back, a badly beaten pirate at his hands seized the opportunity to stab the manager in the heart. Making Hanako scream and struggle, accidentally knocking over the pirate chocking her, and sending herself falling far over the railing.
Her last recollection of that night, was her lying on the wet and chaotic deck of the ship. Bleeding slowly from falling on her stomach. The sick feeling of something dying inside her. The feeling of a cold lump of flesh and endless disgust and self-hatred. Before finally losing her conscious thoughts to the madness of the darkness inside her.
When she woke up, days later at an Indian hospital, the first thing she was told was "sorry". The doctors said they were "sorry". It was the same kind of maudlin sincerity she thought she had left behind.
She felt the scars on her stomach. Where there used to be a warm beating feeling, all she felt was nothing. Only a vast unexplainable feeling of sheer ...emptiness.
It was "her fault". Hanako can't believe anything else. Even when I told her she did nothing wrong. She forced me to acknowledge that losing Hikaru is something she can never forgive herself for. She would die if it meant bringing Hikaru back from the madness of what she went through, she cannot ask forgiveness. Only a shred of understanding perhaps. Just not forgiveness.
She returned to Japan, on the same bloodied money she still had with her. She felt it would dishonour the memory of the bookstore manager if she didn't use the money.
She blames herself for that too, she knew that she could have just "call Lilly for help", but she didn't. She wanted to prove to herself that she was capable. In the madness of what happened; she wanted to take care of herself.
The shock of losing two people you love so much, it was as if she just woke up one day and found them dead beside her. Either foolishness or neglect. She knew it was her fault, but couldn't bring it to her conscious mind. She tried to cope by pretending things were alright, and just find her way home on her own. No matter how wrong it must have been.
I finish up Hanako's story on a slightly lighter note, she told me Hisao was in a coma after a heart attack. Not enough blood circulated to his brain. His parents were about to take him off life support, when Hanako returned and the doctors gave their final opinions.
She asked if she could finish their wedding, Hisao and Hanako's unfinished ceremony.
Hisao's parents agreed. If only to give Hanako some closure, as she holds no illusions anymore. If Hisao is to die, then Hanako wants to at least let his soul leave this Earth knowing he didn't die alone. That even in the end, that no matter how awful life has been, there was something worth it all.
Lilly and I make the cursory conversation on my way out, there's nothing both of us are willing to add to the stories told.
Whether Lilly thinks better of Hanako because of her story, is up to her.
But I still don't think Hanako is a bad or insane person. She's an intelligent girl who had incredibly low sense of self-worth. It's only when we listen to our own side of things, and not hers, that we end up truly misjudging her.
I spend the rest of the journey back, thinking not about what to tell Hanako, but about that book I saw Lilly reach for.
It was not in braille. And it looked like it came from a library. Maybe even Yamaku's.
It was "Life of Pi".
END
Re: LIFE OF HANAKO
I noticed some double dots in places where there should be three, since ellipses are in trios, not duos.
Also I think I noticed a lack of quotation marks where there should be some. At least, where I think there should be some. If someone is recounting a story in paragraphs, isn't there usually be quotes around each individual paragraph? Or at least quotes around the whole thing? Maybe you're basing it off something that doesn't do that, which I guess is acceptable if true.
Also if I were you, I'd change the title. ACTUAL SPOILERS I didn't pick up on it at first, but someone who does would immediately get how Hanako dramatized her story with pirates and stuff as a coping mechanism like in actual Life of Pi. I did notice that right before the last three lines, which make it feel really cool once the book's name came up. But if somebody sees that coming a mile away from the title, it would kinda ruin it for them.
Besides that, I think I saw a couple of phrases that had that whole "if I use big words then people will think my writing is good even though I used them incorrectly or unnecessarily" thing going on. "Nonchalantly" was one word that stuck out.
That doesn't mean that the writing wasn't good. You had a premise -an idea- and the writing delivered it in an effective manner. It didn't make me stop and go "wow", but nothing ever does these days.
Story-wise, it was nice to see that someone actually recognized how none of Hanako's problems were resolved -few were even touched on- at the end of KS. Truth be told, I'd like to know what happened to the kid. Was it just SIDS or did Hanako lose her mind and stab him or something? I'm also not sure how I feel about the narrator. I guess he's an everyman who ended up together with Hanako somehow, and while I don't object to his namelessness since he's pretty clearly only there for the plot to move forward, talking to Lilly and all, there is something else I don't really like. His little white-knighting urge at the beginning because of the fire makes him a little too similar to Hisao, and especially since he's cuddling with Hanako already, we don't really get the impression that anything has changed or anything of value has been lost.>implying Hisao has any value anywayAnd I mean that even after we realize that the narrator isn't Hisao. This guy just seems too similar.
But yeah, 's cool. I like it.
Also I think I noticed a lack of quotation marks where there should be some. At least, where I think there should be some. If someone is recounting a story in paragraphs, isn't there usually be quotes around each individual paragraph? Or at least quotes around the whole thing? Maybe you're basing it off something that doesn't do that, which I guess is acceptable if true.
Also if I were you, I'd change the title. ACTUAL SPOILERS I didn't pick up on it at first, but someone who does would immediately get how Hanako dramatized her story with pirates and stuff as a coping mechanism like in actual Life of Pi. I did notice that right before the last three lines, which make it feel really cool once the book's name came up. But if somebody sees that coming a mile away from the title, it would kinda ruin it for them.
Besides that, I think I saw a couple of phrases that had that whole "if I use big words then people will think my writing is good even though I used them incorrectly or unnecessarily" thing going on. "Nonchalantly" was one word that stuck out.
That doesn't mean that the writing wasn't good. You had a premise -an idea- and the writing delivered it in an effective manner. It didn't make me stop and go "wow", but nothing ever does these days.
Story-wise, it was nice to see that someone actually recognized how none of Hanako's problems were resolved -few were even touched on- at the end of KS. Truth be told, I'd like to know what happened to the kid. Was it just SIDS or did Hanako lose her mind and stab him or something? I'm also not sure how I feel about the narrator. I guess he's an everyman who ended up together with Hanako somehow, and while I don't object to his namelessness since he's pretty clearly only there for the plot to move forward, talking to Lilly and all, there is something else I don't really like. His little white-knighting urge at the beginning because of the fire makes him a little too similar to Hisao, and especially since he's cuddling with Hanako already, we don't really get the impression that anything has changed or anything of value has been lost.>implying Hisao has any value anywayAnd I mean that even after we realize that the narrator isn't Hisao. This guy just seems too similar.
But yeah, 's cool. I like it.
Re: LIFE OF HANAKO
Wait wait, I think i am missing something, is this a crossover/reffrence?
Founder and cheif librarian ofThe Yamaku Library, A Fan Fiction Archive
Vice president of the Yamaku Book Club
An American, 2014
Vice president of the Yamaku Book Club
"French are just Spanish Germans, therefore Mexicans."Sea wrote:Comrade, as Khan Bek has convinced me to give Democracy a try.
An American, 2014
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LordDarknus
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Re: LIFE OF HANAKO
..., to be honest, I didn't know there was such a thing. Really? Trios? That's actually pretty new to me. Wow. I never knew. Thanks for telling me!Brogurt wrote:I noticed some double dots in places where there should be three, since ellipses are in trios, not duos.
I saw someone do it before, I can't remember what book or literature it was. I assumed that people can get very tired of seeing quote marks around every single paragraph (or in this case; every three lines), since the whole story is really just three people recounting three different stories. (Lilly and Hanako's are naturally the flip sides of the same coin, and the narrator is telling the ..err, "edge" of the coin)Brogurt wrote:Also I think I noticed a lack of quotation marks where there should be some. At least, where I think there should be some. If someone is recounting a story in paragraphs, isn't there usually be quotes around each individual paragraph? Or at least quotes around the whole thing? Maybe you're basing it off something that doesn't do that, which I guess is acceptable if true.
I did try some other names.I wanted to go with 'Hanako's Story', but that's already taken I think. I also thought about using 'Perspective', but that just reminded me of Ratatoulie...Brogurt wrote:Also if I were you, I'd change the title. ACTUAL SPOILERS I didn't pick up on it at first, but someone who does would immediately get how Hanako dramatized her story with pirates and stuff as a coping mechanism like in actual Life of Pi. I did notice that right before the last three lines, which make it feel really cool once the book's name came up. But if somebody sees that coming a mile away from the title, it would kinda ruin it for them.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G0861zGFEyc/T ... +quote.jpg
http://www.bruinetteinwonderland.com/20 ... ctive.html
So in the end, nothing really did it justice, and given the story anyway, I think the title deserves it's place.
Also, in case anyone's wondering; pirates today are a very real threat.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piracy_in_Somalia
I imagine Emi wouldn't be happy to know that.
But I talk like that, to myself.. at least. I just thought it was natural.Brogurt wrote:Besides that, I think I saw a couple of phrases that had that whole "if I use big words then people will think my writing is good even though I used them incorrectly or unnecessarily" thing going on. "Nonchalantly" was one word that stuck out.
And I really didn't think "Nonchalantly" would be so.. nonchalant.
What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm?Brogurt wrote:That doesn't mean that the writing wasn't good. You had a premise -an idea- and the writing delivered it in an effective manner. It didn't make me stop and go "wow", but nothing ever does these days.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1375666/quotes?qt1269077
An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of someone, it develops. It snowballs. It turns into something new but stays the same. It changes. It changes the thinker. It changes those who share it. It becomes something that Re-Defines a Person.
(In this case; Hanako had an idea. The reader had an idea. The writer (that's me!) had an idea. And that same idea is what Defines the character of Hanako in this story.)
Also; it has to be mentioned that RAITA also had an idea.
And 4Leaf Studios delivered it beautifully.
Brogurt wrote:Story-wise, it was nice to see that someone actually recognized how none of Hanako's problems were resolved -few were even touched on- at the end of KS. Truth be told, I'd like to know what happened to the kid. Was it just SIDS or did Hanako lose her mind and stab him or something? I'm also not sure how I feel about the narrator. I guess he's an everyman who ended up together with Hanako somehow, and while I don't object to his namelessness since he's pretty clearly only there for the plot to move forward, talking to Lilly and all, there is something else I don't really like. His little white-knighting urge at the beginning because of the fire makes him a little too similar to Hisao, and especially since he's cuddling with Hanako already, we don't really get the impression that anything has changed or anything of value has been lost.>implying Hisao has any value anywayAnd I mean that even after we realize that the narrator isn't Hisao. This guy just seems too similar.
Do you really want me to tell you? The ambiguity is there so that your feelings will end up governing how you judge things.
For example, if you love Hanako to bits, you'd be like; Serenading her;
"Oh My Lotus Child! The World So Wild! But You Build.. Your Own! Paradise!
That's One Reason.. Why; I Name You Lotus Child!"
If you are pretty emotionally distant from Hanako; you would probably be better off if I told you the "background-story version";
One morning, Hanako left Hikaru in Hisao's care, since it was his turn for that day.
She thought he was sleeping in late and didn't think much of it, despite Hisao seemingly splayed unnaturally on the bed. (They've been arguing a lot, and she didn't want to wake him and start another fight)
Hanako was dead tired, and having trouble sleeping, so she took some sleeping pills and finally had some rest.
When she woke up the next day, she realised that Hisao was in a coma the entire time, and Hikaru had been ..neglected.
It wasn't really her fault, but she blamed herself. And in that cruel accident, Hanako's mind finally broke.
The "communications cabin" on the ship symbolises Hanako futile attempts to call for help, and the bookstore manager is Hisao, and her unborn child is Hikaru. The pirates symbolised the cruel demons of life's twisting fates. The ship and the passengers symbolised Yamaku and Hanako's friends.
The "English Woman" symbolises Lilly. The Wedding symbolises broken-happiness at the start of Hanako's story, and sadness-but-closure at the end. Bookends. A framing device that Hanako used for her own story.
I didn't intend it too much, but I see what you mean about the narrator being similar to Hisao. The narrator isn't a white-knight, just very in love with Hanako. To the point that he doesn't think any worse of her despite just hearing Lilly's story. He's basically a guy who's happy to be with Hanako.
In a more positive light of seeing how "nothing has changed / nothing of value was lost"; that kind of means Hanako could bring herself to move on from that really horrible past behind her. It's not very easy to do, given the circumstances, and the fact that she did it and ended up as happy as she was before, or maybe even a little bit more, is just proof that she's changed. She's grown for the better. She overcame her monsters.
Thank You Brogurt, I really like your Post too!Brogurt wrote:But yeah, 's cool. I like it.
Also; 'Hikaru' works as both a boy's name, as well as a girl's name. Hanako couldn't possibly have known her child's gender on the ship, so she chose that name for that reason too.
Also Note; I have "Book-Ended" Hanako's Life. With a literal Book. The Exact Same Book she had in her Hands when you first met her in the library. And That "Book-Ending Book" has its title reflected in the Title of this story.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BookEnds
Yes. I would say that it's a crossover, but I imagine Silent Cook is about to shoot me.Comrade wrote:Wait wait, I think i am missing something, is this a crossover/reffrence?
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/M ... ToShootYou
Assuming that in 'Life of Pi', Pi's story was written into a book and Named Life of Pi, that could mean that both Hanako and Pi coexist in this story!
How About That?