Monster

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LordDarknus
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Monster

Post by LordDarknus » Wed Dec 26, 2012 3:39 am

http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=5233



Monster



My hand connects sharply to her face, the sound of it snaps out in the dark.

She falls and fumbles her way back up to me, cupping the pain with her hand.

Steadily.. she smiles to me. She is adamant in her staring violet ardent eyes.


I'm not going to acquiesce. I slap her again. Her scars brushed like soft wood againt my wrist.

The quick sharp feel of it reminded me of the razors.. and the scar that seemingly still bleeds.

As she stands again.. she sees me gazing at the slits of red tissue, marking my suicide attempts.


She holds my hand.. she kissed the scars. It hurt.

I retract my hand and raise it to her once more...

But she smiles still...



I fall to her feet as she catches me, and picks me up,

She tells me to stand.

She brushes away a tear with her hand.


Why does she treat me so kind?

Why do you want to help a monster like me?

She tells me it's simple; she loves me.







You are not a monster.

You are you.

Everyone has damage.


Be the better person.

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Xanatos
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Re: Monster

Post by Xanatos » Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:30 am

Not bad but not especially good. Kind of fucked up, really.

Why the link to some random thread?
<KeiichiO>: "I wonder what Misha's WAHAHA's sound like with a cock stuffed down her throat..."
<Ascension>: "I laughed, cried, vomited in my mouth a little, and even had time for marshmallows afterwards. Well played, Xanatos. Well played."
<KeiichiO>: "That's a beautiful response to chocolate."

LordDarknus
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Re: Monster

Post by LordDarknus » Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:04 pm

Xanatos wrote:Not bad but not especially good.
oh, ...okay
Xanatos wrote:Kind of f*cked up, really.
That was part of the point. What kind of a monster would you have to be to actually want to bully and abuse Hanako to the point of suicide? And still say you "really like" her?
Xanatos wrote:Why the link to some random thread?
It's Not random! It's.. oh just;

This ..bad person, started a topic called "If you could bully Hanako in the game...";
Guest wrote:Would you do it?
To be honest, I'd be really tempted myself to psychically and physically abuse this cute girl if I could. A girl like her would be so easy to break...
It would make the game so exciting if you had the ability to threaten and maybe sexually assault her, and the best thing is she would be too scared to tell anyone about it. And the final goal of the game would be her suicide in her small dorm room, what a wonderful thought.

Maybe all of this sounds a little bit sadistic, but that's how I think. I really like her.

And that is bad.

And this is my response to that.

I felt like writing something about it...



...anyway, Thanks for your post Xanatos, appreciate it.

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Comrade
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Re: Monster

Post by Comrade » Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:43 am

well that was kinda messed up, but I'm not sure what you were trying to say, probably misread it
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Fiandra
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Re: Monster

Post by Fiandra » Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:55 am

Uh, erm... Yep. Kinda messed up. I'm not sure how to react, but reading is good. I like reading. Therefore, I like this.
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Dream
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Re: Monster

Post by Dream » Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:48 pm

Messed up? This was rather dark indeed, but it was pretty light. I'm not even sure if it would qualify as, say, BDSM frankly. When i read the title i thought it was going to be much worse.

That said, the story itself, it gives me the feeling of a sketch. A very good sketch, but no more good than the promise of a good story. Also, dissapointingly short, which is a shame because it has a lot of potential and narrator seems like he could be a very interesting character. The question of how the fuck he and Hanako got to that point with each other is a question sadly left unanswered. Also, the usage of the game's "slogan" so to say, leave me raising my eyebrow and asking "Dude what?"

Basically, it was very good and i enjoyed the read, but i think it needs a lot of elaboration. You have a good sketch, now work on it! :P
"It is not reason, more or less furnished, but will that makes the world march"

"Unfortunately, if you can think of something really stupid, someone out there probably believes it." -Xanatos

LordDarknus
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Re: Monster

Post by LordDarknus » Fri Dec 28, 2012 6:36 am

Dream wrote:You have a good sketch, now work on it! :P
Yeah yeah yeah, Here;







Monster...

I've been called that.

Of all the mean things my closest friends teased me about, mocked me as, pointed at me accusingly;


It hurt the most.


A monster without a father to protect her, without a mother to comfort her, without a home or shelter.

I was a walking nightmare they secretly feared;

Monster.





I threw those thoughts away, those ugly memories, when I transferred to Yamaku.

A special school.. where everyone's a ...I hate to use the word, but; everyone is in a way; a "monster".

Abnormal. Disturbing. Unnatural.


Freak.


Alone. Sad. Lonely.

What we are really.. on the inside; The part of us where we hide and shuffle away... somewhere deep in ourselves.

Ugliness in the mirror of society's eyes, I resign myself to cold solitude forever. Where no one can find me.





But he found me.


Through a gap in the library bookshelf where I saw his eyes troubled and trained on the self-help book he pulled.

I watched him.. closely. They despised him, his classmates.. All of them.

They hate him.


He was shunned.


Like I was.

He saw me. He caught me staring. I tried to look away from his furious eyes.

But there was so much sadness when he greeted me shyly and apologising for taking my private little seat in the library.


We found each other.





We stayed together, as friends, even when they started pointing their fingers and saying things.

But no one pulled us part. As "partners". Even when they could see the bruises and tears I hid so well.

I stayed with him. I don't know why he tortured and hurt me but I knew I wouldn't leave him. I would never...


His smile when he smiled and his hold and when he held me...


They were warm. Banishing the cold solitude that was the freezing prison I lived in everyday. But no more...

No one could pull me apart. As his "lover". Even when they really tried and didn't believe I tripped and fell down a stairwell.

I was His forever. His "soulmate", for even when he looked at those other girls it was not the same as when he looked at me.





He saw through me as I saw deep into him; Pain and sorrow from a lifetime of abuse.

Nearly killing himself a few times before, he had motor-control problems with his hands where he slit them.

Both wrists hashed and hacked deeply to the bone. As if they were tied forever to me by red strings of fate.


"Scar-Crossed Lovers"


Bound by dark pasts and a darker future. As if there was any hope for the likes of us.

I once tried imagining how terrible it was for him, a knife in my hand ready to run deep red into my wrist.

He saw and threw me to the ground; Punishing and scolding me before crying to me a lifetime of regret.





No one understood what it's like to live with demons.

Not especially when they hated us and wanted to see us torn apart.

I would never let him go. I was the only one who knew his indescribable pain. I was the one who could help him.





On the last night before he was to be sent away, to some asylum to be forever locked away.

I told him to make a change. To prove to them that he wasn't hopeless. For him to be the good person he forgotten he was.

But he slapped me. Again and again. I had to keep smiling for him, despite the pain in both of us too much to bear.



Some part of me felt dead or forever broken that night.

But I kept smiling...

I proved to him, that no matter how terrible and dark the world is, we can still smile ...brightly.



I don't want the good in his heart to die away in a padded cell, his mind forever lost and alone in the unbearable cold of white solitude.

I wanted him ..to smile. So I smiled to show him how. I didn't mean to make him cry...

But I told him to stand. I picked him up. I gave him what no one has ever truly given us before; ..Hope.










When the cold of the years finally flowed away in solitary tears...

I thought I saw him again, walking somewhere across the street, smiling and talking to a pretty girl.

Not calling out to him... but wishing I did. He turned his head and almost saw me, but he missed me.



I'll never know if that was him, or if it wasn't; where he could be.

But I close my eyes and listen to the warm words he once whispered into my heart;

He's happy. He's smiling. And he tells me to go for the new transfer student I really like.



He tells me to not be so shy, he says I'm worthy and beautiful.

I proved that to him, so long ago... in that night where I just, did nothing but smile.

Because no matter how much it hurt to, no matter how unfair and cruel this world was to us;



We overcame our monsters.

We became ourselves.

We are like everyone else.



"Be the better person."







Author's Note:

Remember that one part in Hanako's path near the end? When Hanako called Hisao while out somewhere in the city?

As if she suddenly had an "unexplained motivation" to call Hisao?


You could say that this was why she called Hisao. She thought she saw "him", again.

"Him"; the "monster" she once knew.


Written under 30 minutes, because I have to go somewhere Right Now.

I hope you liked this Dream.

And Thank You for your Post. I really appreciate that. Wouldn't really have continued / explained / elaborated anything if you didn't say anything.

Also; Thank You Too Comrade and Fiandra.

I know this isn't very good, but it's something. Or you wouldn't have posted. ...right?

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Dream
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Re: Monster

Post by Dream » Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:03 pm

So Lilly didn't do anything with the fact Hanako was seemingly suffering from spousal abuse? Also, i don't think Hanako would refer to the other disabled kids as "monsters" or anything like that. In any case the character of the "monster" seemed to be interesting and, for what little we saw of him, pretty solid and well-developed, just wish we could have seen him in a more, uh, established story. Also, i'm not sure if Hanako is entirely in character, although i think she is.

In any case, this was nice/enjoyable for what it was. I would recommend that you try not to leave such a bizarre spacing between lines though, it makes kind of a sore to read.
"It is not reason, more or less furnished, but will that makes the world march"

"Unfortunately, if you can think of something really stupid, someone out there probably believes it." -Xanatos

LordDarknus
Posts: 510
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Re: Monster

Post by LordDarknus » Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:11 am

Dream wrote:So Lilly didn't do anything with the fact Hanako was seemingly suffering from spousal abuse?
This was way before Hanako met Lilly,

Dream wrote:Also, i don't think Hanako would refer to the other disabled kids as "monsters" or anything like that.
She wouldn't, she was just momentarily applying the same harsh and unforgiving judgement she's been subjected to all her early childhood.

Also helps put the "monster" into a bit of a perspective. In a way. Sort of.
(ok not really)

Dream wrote:In any case the character of the "monster" seemed to be interesting and, for what little we saw of him, pretty solid and well-developed, just wish we could have seen him in a more, uh, established story.
Really? Oh, Thanks!

But I don't think I want to go deep into a story where Hanako gets hurt.

If someone else wants to do that though, I suppose you could go ahead, I gotta go back to work very soon. No time to write something like that.

Dream wrote:Also, i'm not sure if Hanako is entirely in character, although i think she is.
I think I might have twisted her narration a little bit, it's supposed to read as if she's still reeling from the trauma, or suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Either way, I've kept her largely within her character, but just changed the way she thinks / talks a bit for effect.

Dream wrote:In any case, this was nice/enjoyable for what it was. I would recommend that you try not to leave such a bizarre spacing between lines though, it makes kind of a sore to read.
Oh.. okay.

Thank You Dream. You have my appreciation.

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