Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

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Brisingr
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Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Brisingr » Sat Nov 24, 2012 4:03 am

As it says on the tin, I finally managed to post the start of my fanfic about Lilly and Hisao. You can find it at the link below. I first got the idea for this fic around mid-October when a friend also interested in KS said that he was going to do a Shizune fic. We both plan on using the same basic intro scenario and plan out a "what-if" scenario for each girl eventually. This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic so feel free to leave constructive criticism either here or on the fic at fanfiction.net but please don't beat me to death with kenji's puppets.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8731548/1/K ... ly-Edition

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M4rked0ne
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by M4rked0ne » Sun Nov 25, 2012 4:51 pm

So far, I really like it. It's very well written, but then again I don't really have a very high standard. :D
Some spelling mistakes were there, but nothing to get excited about.

Well, there is one thing what was bugging me: Lilly is a little bit too well-spoken around Hisao in my opinion. I felt it was little bit forced to be honest. But that's a matter of opinion.

Something positive, I couldn't stop smiling after imagining, how Hisao's mom walked into them during their love-making. And I smelled Hanako's "I'VEGOTTODOSOMETHING"-phrase a mile away. ;D

Anyway, keep up the good work! I looking forward to read some more!

PS: Hhhhmmm, now I'm getting reminded that I didn't wrote on my fanfic for the last two days.....
"You are not alone, and you are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage."

Completed to 100%

Lilly -> Hanako --> Rin = Emi ----> Shizune

Silentcook
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Silentcook » Sun Nov 25, 2012 6:22 pm

Script format. Instant dealbreaker.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Barkinson
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Barkinson » Sun Nov 25, 2012 8:53 pm

Silentcook wrote:Script format. Instant dealbreaker.
Basically, ^. And there seems to be many unnecessary flashbacks.

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Brisingr
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Brisingr » Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:49 am

I added the flashbacks because I didn't want to expect everybody who actually reads my fic to remember everything about Lilly's route though I'm sure most will. I also added them on the chance that it may attract the attention of a reader who hasn't the slightest idea what happened in her route and basically will fill them in on the major stuff. As for the format, I honestly couldn't think of a better format to write it in. I did say that this was my first attempt at a fanfic. If somebody has a better format that they would be willing to explain to me, I am willing to re-write what I have posted so far. Other than that, thank you for those who did read and yes, I do plan on writing more but don't expect the next one until after Christmas at least.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:59 am

If somebody has a better format that they would be willing to explain to me, I am willing to re-write what I have posted so far.
Anything other than
Hisao: "ABC?"
Lilly: "XYZ."
would be a massive improvement.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Silentcook
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Silentcook » Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:20 pm

There's a whole slew of writing tips in the sticky at the top of this section of the forums. Script format is discussed in the very first post in there.

But basically, I assume you have read at least a few books containing dialogue between characters. Those are the formats - yes there are more than one; in time you will want to pick the one you find most comfortable - you should try emulating.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Brisingr
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Brisingr » Tue Nov 27, 2012 2:02 pm

I'll try to re-write it by next week, 2 at the most but I will.

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Oddball
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Oddball » Tue Nov 27, 2012 2:22 pm

Well, let's give you just a real quick starter.


This is what you did.
Misha: Hi, I'm Misha.
Don't do that.

This is better.
"Hi, I'm Misha," said Misha.

But we can still do better than that. Let's toss in a simple adverb to describe HOW the character is saying something.
"Hi, I'm Misha," said Misha happily.
Now you not only have the character and the dialogue, but you've established some mood.

Add some actions and/or a location and you've got a much more clear picture of what's going on.
"Hi, I'm Misha," said Misha happily as she sat at her desk and chewed on her pencil.

With that said, most KS fiction follows a 1st person narrative, which tells the story for a certain characters point of view and let's the reader get inside the narrator's head showing how they feel and react to certain things.
"Hi, I'm Misha," said Misha happily as she sat at her desk and chewed on her pencil. She looked silly doing that, but she was still pretty cute.

Does this help any?
Not Dead Yet

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:09 pm

Copy that post to the Tips topic!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Oddball
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Oddball » Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:28 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Copy that post to the Tips topic!
And DONE!
Not Dead Yet

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Brisingr
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KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Brisingr » Wed Dec 12, 2012 2:08 am

Gonna give a quick update because I feel like I need to. I haven't been able to put as much effort into the next chapter as I wanted to since the release of the first chapter and you readers can place all the blame on my finals, a big book report and the new dragonborn DLC for Skyrim. I do have a few pages done already but it's not even close to being ready for me to release. I also mentioned before that I plan on re-formatting the first chapter and avoiding the screenlay format from now on and that will still happen but instead of just re-writing the first chapter now, I'll just write the second chapter, do all the re-formating at once and then post them. Don't expect to see any postings until January but you can expect more chapters to come out.

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Brisingr
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Brisingr » Tue Feb 12, 2013 4:25 am

This took me way too long to update but I finally posted the second chapter. You can find it at the link below.

Linky

Paropues
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Paropues » Mon Mar 11, 2013 5:13 am

looking good so far!
hisao is really hilarious in here, hope this will continue soon!

Wildikdog
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Re: Fanfic - KS Afterstory: Lilly Edition

Post by Wildikdog » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:57 pm

Loved it so far. Can't wait for more chapters to be released.

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