Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch. 4

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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by pandaphil » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:40 pm

Indeed. I'd love to see more.
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by M4rked0ne » Mon Sep 23, 2013 11:59 am

TacticalBacon wrote:Bookmarked just in case you are still writing this
pandaphil wrote:Indeed. I'd love to see more.
First of all: Wow, people are still interested in my fanfic...I can't even believe people like it in the first place. :o

Second: Yes, I'm still writing (though not really frequently). In fact, Ch. 4 is actually finished, but I'm searching for a proofreader again.
My last one started working recently and I don't want to put more pressure on him with my own stuff.
Anyway, I'm really sad about the fact that I only wrote so little over the course of 9 months, but it's flattering that some users are still hoping for updates.
I guess I can take that to get me more often into a writing mood.
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by TacticalBacon » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:44 pm

M4rked0ne wrote: First of all: Wow, people are still interested in my fanfic...I can't even believe people like it in the first place. :o

Second: Yes, I'm still writing (though not really frequently). In fact, Ch. 4 is actually finished, but I'm searching for a proofreader again.
My last one started working recently and I don't want to put more pressure on him with my own stuff.
Anyway, I'm really sad about the fact that I only wrote so little over the course of 9 months, but it's flattering that some users are still hoping for updates.
I guess I can take that to get me more often into a writing mood.
Great! looking forward to it :)
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Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch. 4

Post by M4rked0ne » Mon Oct 28, 2013 4:52 pm

Chapter 4

“You messed up? What do you mean? What happened?”

“I-I tried to invite Andrei for lunch a-and I panicked and run away…..”

Surprise is written all over their faces.

“You…invited him…for lunch?”

Surprise is also in Hisao’s voice.

“I-I tried to invite him! But I…I…”

“Calm down Hanako, take a seat and tell us slowly what exactly happened.”

Lilly’s initial astonishment fades away quickly and her usual calmness is shown again, which puts me at ease. I sit down and take a sip of the prepared tea. After I have settled down, to some extent, I tell them about the incidents in the hall and the cafeteria.
A giggle escapes Hisao’s mouth.

“Sounds a little bit like the first time I met you in the library.”

“I-It’s not funny Hisao! He probably t-thinks I’m…weird.”

“Maybe, but don’t trouble yourself with that. Next time goes more smoothly!”

“If there is a next time...”

“I agree with Hisao, there is still a second time. But my, what an intriguing character this Andrei has. From what I’ve heard, I always thought of him of a more… indifferent person.”

“That’s true. I never imagined him as someone who helps other people either. I guess you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

Now that they mention it, his actions didn’t really fit to him. It was like he was another person…..or maybe this is his person.

“However, I’m sure he doesn’t think of you as weird but as a shy person. As we already said, the next time will be more successful!”

“M-Maybe, but I really d-doubt that.”
“Aw come on, Hanako. Stop thinking like that; be a little bit more optimistic! We both believe that you can do it!”

“I think so too.”

Lilly simply nods.
I however am still unsure. Though I think I should trust their judgment, they have more experience in that kind of things.

“I hope y-you are right.”

“Of course we are, but you shouldn’t think about it so much. By the way, we should start eating; lunch break is over in 5 minutes.”

And without further ado, we start to eat our lunch quietly.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting on a bench behind the female dorm, Hisao, Lilly and I are watching a basketball game which is about to begin. We were actually on our weekly trip to the convenience store when we saw two guys from the parallel class going to the court. Of course Lilly and Hisao were curious enough to follow them and now here we are.

“We play One-on-One: First you, then him. You know the rules?”

Andrei is talking to the two seniors from class 3-1. I hardly know about them, only that Jinta, the tall guy, suffers from anemia and from time to time faints in class.

It’s strange that you can hear some rivalry in their voices.

“You don’t? Alright, this is how it goes: We check with a bounce pass, if you rebound the ball you’ll have to go back to downtown before you can make a shot and after someone scores, the loser gets the ball. Make it, take it, a’right? We play till 11.”

“Who starts?”

“You got a coin? Heads, I begin; Tails, you have the ball.”

With a metallic sound the coin gets tossed. One of the guys catches it with his right hand and puts the coin on the back of the other hand.

“Tails. Looks like I’ll get the first points.”

“We’ll see.”

Andrei goes to the sideline where his black and old ghetto blaster is standing. After rummaging in his bag to find a cd, he lays it in and presses the play button. Andrei starts to bump his head when the beat starts. They throw at him weird looks and shaking heads.

“You finished tinkering with your old cd recorder? Then let’s start already.”

Relax bro. You will lose quick enough.”

With a grin on their faces they get in position and starts to pass the ball to each other. After Andrei passes the ball back to the senior, he doesn’t hesitate to play him off. He gets behind Andrei, but strangely the ball isn’t in his hands anymore. Before he could realize it, the ball is already in the air, flying towards the basket.
*swish*

“Well…looks like I got the first two points.”

Andrei’s face has a big smile on it as he points with his finger on the ground. His feet are right in front of the three-point line.

“Yeah, smile as long as you can, because you won’t make any more points.”

“You sure?”

They pass the ball to each other and the second attack begins, only with the difference that Andrei starts his attack.
Unlike the senior, he dribbles without hurry, waiting apparently for the opponent to make a move. It doesn’t take a long time until Andrei gets attacked by him. The senior quickly reaches in for the ball with his right hand but Andrei is already spinning to his right, giving him free view on the basket. The defender can’t keep up and with a small jump Andrei lays the ball in the hoop and makes his next point.

“Didn’t somebody just say that I won’t make more points, or did I mishear something?”

“Tz.”

If I hit’em high, hit’em high, hit’em high/And you hit’em low, hit’em low, hit’em low...

He starts laughing and sticks his tongue out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sounds of dribbling, quick footsteps and music are still present in the late afternoon. While the first senior didn’t stand a chance against Andrei as he was losing the game without making a single point, Jinta has a higher chance of winning. The ball changed possession at least one time in every single attack and in the end it is a match ball for both players.

“Match ball, my friend. You think you can handle the pressure?”

“How about you?”

Andrei has a slight disadvantage at this point. He has to defend the basket and by his ragged breathing and sweating forehead you can tell that he’s pretty much worn out. But his tall opponent isn’t better off, either.
He’s panting heavily while stepping up to the midcourt line.

C’mon, let’s go!

With much force goes the ball flying back and forth. The attack begins instantly and puts much pressure on Andrei. At first it doesn’t look like either one of them is making progress as Andrei is always at him. It only takes a small gap in the defense to allow Jinta a shot on the basket.

Damn!

The ball recoils from the backboard and only hits the ring. Andrei catches it midair and now, the positions have switched. Though it doesn’t look any different than before; both of them are fighting for the last point, not giving one another a chance for an easy bucket.
After a good minute, Andrei detaches himself from the defender with a fakie. He implied to go right by getting the ball to his right hand, but he instantly passed it back to the left with an incredible speed. Jinta, who is visibly at his limits, sees the change of direction too late and gets out of balance and thus lands on his butt. Andrei sprints towards the basket and jumps up. My breathing stops. He gets closer and closer to the ring. The hoop is in his reach and he only has to lay the ball in, but instead of just laying it in…he slams it in with all the power he has left. Andrei lands unsteadily on his feet, but his face keeps grinning.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You think it was a good idea to leave Hanako all by herself, Hisao?”

The sun nearly vanishes behind the mountains as Lilly and I go the downhill road to the city hand in hand.

“You worry too much, Lilly. We can’t always drag her along with us; she’s strong enough to act on her own. I mean, she tried to invite a stranger for lunch! That’s the last thing I would’ve expected from her.”

“Maybe…maybe you’re right. I can’t be mothering her forever, can I?”

“It’s not like you should stop protecting her, but you need to have more trust in her. She’s stronger than you think. Of course she won’t have it easy, nobody does, but protecting her from everything isn’t the right way.”

Lilly is nodding slightly with a sad smile on her face.

“But I still have a bad feeling about leaving her alone.”

“Well, we had to leave; the store would be closed if we had left later. Also, she said it herself that she wanted to watch a little longer.”

“She really enjoyed watching the game, didn’t she?”

“I wish you could’ve seen her face. She only has this face when she’s reading or talking about books with me…though I have the feeling that it wasn’t the game which kept her from going.”

“Well, did you enjoy the game?”

“Ugh, just watching them gives me a light heart-attack.”

I guess Lilly came to like my black humor as she giggled lightly.

“But it’s impressive that he can play basketball although he has this problem with his leg.”

“Problem with his leg?”

“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s limping slightly on his left leg.”

“Then it’s quite a feat to play basketball. Though, isn’t playing bad for his leg?”

“Huh…I didn’t think about that. I guess his leg isn’t that bad if he still can play.”

I hoped that changing the topic would keep her from worrying too much about Hanako, but seeing her sad and aloof smile indicates that this was not the case.

“Lilly, I told you she’ll be fine, she’s…”

“I know, I know…I just can’t help but worry about her…especially because she shows so much interest in Andrei.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“If they get know each other better…I don’t know how he will treat her.”

“I guess you also didn’t know how I would treat Hanako either when we first met, right?”

“I have to admit that I was concerned, but that changed quickly after I spent some time with you.”

Lilly’s slightly embarrassed voice makes me chuckle.

“You see, all we have to do is get to know him better. If we don’t know him, we shouldn’t judge him, right?”

“Again, I guess you’re right.”

Lilly stops and turns to me with her puckered lips.

“Thank you, Hisao.”

“No need to thank me for a kiss, I don’t dis…”

“Not for the kiss, for being by my side.”

She interlocks her fingers with mine and rests her head on my shoulder. With a small kiss on her head we start walking again.

“It’s my pleasure.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don’t know why I decided to stay; I was never a fan of basketball. Though something told me stay here and watch him some more. Somehow, he fascinates and worries me, I can’t exactly tell why, though.
Only he and I are present at the court. The two seniors left after they lost the match. The sun is nearly behind the hills but he’s still playing. It feels like there was nothing else in the world right now, only he throwing hoops and me watching him.
Though I slowly start to notice something, his face is tense…and I think he’s even gritting his teeth. Before I could even think further, he jumps to throw the ball but he falls with a groan to the ground.
I jump up and start running to him but I stop in my tracks as he starts to laugh loudly.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goddamn, took me long enough to write this chapter. Not because it was difficulty, I'm simply hadn't the time/motivation to write on it these last 9(?) months.
I'm halway into Chapter 5 and I hope I can finish this one quicker than Chapter 4. :D
Last edited by M4rked0ne on Tue Oct 29, 2013 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Oct 28, 2013 5:46 pm

“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s limping slightly on his left leg slightly.”
I'll grant Lilly Daredevil-level hearing so she can discern if someone is limping even if a sighted person fails to notice it...
But how can she distinguish whether he's limping on the left ot the right leg? ^^°
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by Lianam » Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:54 pm

M4rked0ne wrote:“Really? What a coincidence. What exactly is it about?”

“W-Well, it’s about an o-old and scarred s-soldier who is forced to l-live in the metro-tunnels with o-other survivors of an atomic w-war. He is t-trying to annihilate the d-dark threat to protect the m-metro dweller. O-On his way he meets s-some companion, like a y-young girl who he rescued from being k-killed. She accompanies him and t-together they travel the m-metro to defeat the dark t-threat.”
What a coincidence, I was just watching the Metro: Last Light ending. Funny how the universe works. :lol:

So far I've only started reading the 2nd chapter, and so far I only have one critique: That sex scene in the first chapter was a little... the word choice seemed, I guess, pretentious I guess. I distinctly remember thinking, "Okay, that was a sentence..." while reading it. Also, a little tip: Him and Her refer to people only. Well, you can refer to a ship as a her, or something else like it as a him or a her, or something you personify, but that's not the point: my point is, body parts are referred to as "it" as a pronoun, not "him" or "her". Funny how grammar issues ended up bothering me while reading a sex scene... :lol:
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by M4rked0ne » Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:30 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote: I'll grant Lilly Daredevil-level hearing so she can discern if someone is limping even if a sighted person fails to notice it...
But how can she distinguish whether he's limping on the left ot the right leg? ^^°
I guess thats one problem of my format. :/
Hisao
“But it’s impressive that he can play basketball although he has this problem with his leg.”

Lilly
“Problem with his leg?”

Hisao
“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s limping slightly on his left leg.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lianam wrote: So far I've only started reading the 2nd chapter, and so far I only have one critique: That sex scene in the first chapter was a little... the word choice seemed, I guess, pretentious I guess. I distinctly remember thinking, "Okay, that was a sentence..." while reading it.
Pretentious, huh? Could you kindly give me an example of what was pretentious to you?
Lianam wrote: Also, a little tip: Him and Her refer to people only. Well, you can refer to a ship as a her, or something else like it as a him or a her, or something you personify, but that's not the point: my point is, body parts are referred to as "it" as a pronoun, not "him" or "her". Funny how grammar issues ended up bothering me while reading a sex scene... :lol:
Really? Didn't know that. Thanks for the hint.
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by bhtooefr » Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:42 pm

It's a bit more nuanced than that - generally, any creature that is living and has a gender gets gendered pronouns, in English.

And, in some uses of informal English, even some inanimate objects - typically machinery, and only when anthropomorphized - get gendered pronouns. But, that's far from universal.

Body parts aren't usually gendered, either. Even the sexual ones, unless you're anthropomorphizing them again.

Basically, if we're using German as an example... in English, almost everything is "das", not "der" or "die" (and we don't actually have any concept of gendering the word "the", and therefore don't have an equivalent to "der" or "die").

A couple examples.
“We shouldn’t forget him.”
I could actually see this being said like this, but not in a serious manner. Like, you'd say that in a joking manner that his penis is another being that is also male. But, that makes sense in context - Lilly teasing that it has its own feelings about the situation.
Lilly’s hand reach down, guiding him into her.
That becomes a bit trickier. (BTW, it's "reaches", not reach.)

"Him" and "her" in this instance would only refer to Hisao and Lilly respectively. Because Hisao is acting as the narrator, and not sharing his thoughts, it's not a joking sentence, and "him" isn't appropriate at all (given that it's first-person) unless he's anthropomorphizing his own penis (and I wouldn't go for that). There's a few ways you could take this:
  • "guiding me into her"
  • "guiding my penis into her" (or a variation on that)
  • "guiding me into her vagina" (or a variation on that)
  • "guiding my penis into her vagina" (or a variation on that)
Given that he was talking about his shaft earlier, "guiding it into her" also works (although, your last reference was to "her lady part" (ugh, horrible terminology for a couple different reasons), so "guiding my penis into it" works as well).

You might actually want to work on your terminology for genitalia and sex altogether, for that matter. I will say that it's hard to walk the line between clinical, lewd, and clichéd, when it comes to sexual terminology in English. If it appears in a paperback romance novel, it's probably too clichéd, and if it appears in porn, it's probably too lewd. There's a reason I don't write smut, though - it's hard to do right.

Finally... be careful with writing Hanako x OC. It's a path that's very prone to wish fulfillment self-inserts (and based the fact that you used a non-Japanese OC, and the results of a quick Google of your screen name, it looks like this may well be a self-insert), and that's only been done eleventy billion times. (I know, I know, I just posted a self-insert Hanako x OC story the other day, too, but at least I flipped genders around so that I self-inserted as Hanako instead of the OC, and it sure as hell wasn't wish fulfillment.)
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by M4rked0ne » Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:22 pm

Thank you for the explanation, I hope that it will help to avoid to make this mistake again.
bhtooefr wrote: You might actually want to work on your terminology for genitalia and sex altogether, for that matter. I will say that it's hard to walk the line between clinical, lewd, and clichéd, when it comes to sexual terminology in English.
I've planned to write some more sex-scenes, so I guess I will have to work on that. :/
Do you know a fanfic (or any other kind of literature) with well written scenes? Could probably use them for future reference.
bhtooefr wrote: Finally... be careful with writing Hanako x OC. It's a path that's very prone to wish fulfillment self-inserts (and based the fact that you used a non-Japanese OC, and the results of a quick Google of your screen name, it looks like this may well be a self-insert), and that's only been done eleventy billion times. (I know, I know, I just posted a self-insert Hanako x OC story the other day, too, but at least I flipped genders around so that I self-inserted as Hanako instead of the OC, and it sure as hell wasn't wish fulfillment.)
First of all, I don't know if you can call this 100% a self-insert. Sure, I've used myself as a template to create this character, but there are also other sources. So I think it's wrong to say that he and I are the same person, he's more of an alter ego or another me from a parallel universe. In the end, this OC is a klusterfuck. It not only contains me, but also things I've either experience, seen or heard of. For example, I drew my inspiration for his background mainly from Hopsin and a friend of mine.

Second, if I really wanted to write this solely for wish fulfillment, I would've written a Lilly x OC fanfic. To find a girl with Lilly's virtues and to date her, damn that would make me happier than anything else. :lol:
But I don't know the real reason why I wanted to write this. After some thinking and creating scenarios in my head, I just had suddenly the urge to write this down, because the ideas kept coming and they still do.

PS: What exactly did you find out after your quick google search of my screen name? :D
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by bhtooefr » Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:51 pm

Eh, just your country, and I think some music stuff.

I'm not the best judge of what's truly good smut, either, so I'll let others suggest good examples. (I will note, however, that the VN is not the best reference for good smut. I mean, "pistoning"? Really? What the VN does is a good job of integrating the smut into the plot, but the smut itself has some questionable choices of terminology in my opinion.)
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by Lianam » Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:56 pm

M4rked0ne wrote:First of all, I don't know if you can call this 100% a self-insert. Sure, I've used myself as a template to create this character, but there are also other sources. So I think it's wrong to say that he and I are the same person, he's more of an alter ego or another me from a parallel universe. In the end, this OC is a klusterfuck. It not only contains me, but also things I've either experience, seen or heard of. For example, I drew my inspiration for his background mainly from Hopsin and a friend of mine.
I'm gonna be honest with you... your character honestly seems like the embodiment of how the entire population of old white guys in the US congress (in other words, 99% of the US congress) see someone that age- anti-conformist for the sake of being an anti-conformist, listens to rap and plays basketball, and overall comes off as a guy who thinks he's better than he really is (not that that's necessarily true, but it just seems like it)... which is probably why I personally can barely stand him...
But my main problem with him is that Hanako falls for him immediately even though he comes off as someone I doubt she'd be attracted to and they don't share remotely the same interests- it just seems like you made so Hanako falls for him just for the sake of falling for him.
If you revise this just... take it slower and maybe push your character away from stereotypes... if Hanako's gonna fall for someone like this then he needs to make the first move or be pushed by Hisao or Lilly or maybe even the Newspaper club- hey that's a great idea! Have him join the newspaper club because he wants to join it, not so he can spend time with Hanako. And before you say, "Hanako can make the first move because she's more social now" I will say yes, yes she can, if the first move is on someone she would have more in common with- even the most outgoing person... okay, scratch that, even someone is more outgoing than average wouldn't go after someone they wouldn't think they'd like (Context is everything people).
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by M4rked0ne » Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:41 am

Lianam wrote:... and overall comes off as a guy who thinks he's better than he really is (not that that's necessarily true, but it just seems like it)... which is probably why I personally can barely stand him...
To be honest with you... that was actually my intention. Creating a character who isn't really likeable at the beginning. But you have to look past the surface: Why does he have such a personality?
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Lianam wrote:... it just seems like you made so Hanako falls for him just for the sake of falling for him.
She hasn't fallen for him (it may look like it), she's just interested in him for no appearant reason. :D
Jokes aside, the reason is why she's interested in Andrei is the same reason why she had an interest in Hisao: He didn't avoid her and even approached her (somewhat). Hisao became a friend of her this way and she believes that she can befriend Andrei, too. Sounds a bit naive, but I think it's a very befitting mindset for Hanako.
Lianam wrote:Have him join the newspaper club because he wants to join it, not so he can spend time with Hanako.
I had something similiar in mind. The newspaper club (or a club in general) isn't a bad idea, but I don't think it really fits the OC. I have to think about it.
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Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch

Post by bhtooefr » Fri Nov 01, 2013 12:21 pm

I'd look over Hanako's Story closely, then, to see a Hanako POV of her interest in Hisao.

(IMO, Hanako's Story and Sisterhood are the gold standards of Hanako-route fanfic. Someone writing her character as anything more than a background character would do well to read both (even if they do conflict slightly at a plot point or two). Even if they don't become part of your headcanon, it gives another perspective on the character.)
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