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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:10 am
by sanduba
commenting here so I can read later after I finish a bunch of others.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 1:15 am
by muffinseal
sanduba wrote:commenting here so I can read later after I finish a bunch of others.
cant u just subscribe or bookmark?

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 2:04 am
by Steinherz
muffinseal wrote:
sanduba wrote:commenting here so I can read later after I finish a bunch of others.
cant u just subscribe or bookmark?
That would be too easy ;)

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 2:11 am
by Guest Poster
Mr. Satou actually comes off more of a douche here than in Fluff's Lilly storyline, I didn't think it was possible, but there he is in all his douchey (Is that a word? It should be a word.) glory.
I could be mistaken, but I believe Fluff's Mr. Satou's first action on arrival was to throw an unprovoked tantrum at some poor flight attendant just because he felt like it. This one at least keeps his fire trained on one person (and it isn't even Hisao) and seeing how eager Akira seemed to be to start a fight with him (even going as far as to throw the first punch), it almost feels like his cranky mood is justified. Seeing that this was the first time her dad met her boyfriend, I kind of expected Akira to try and make an effort to keep things relatively civil for Hisao's benefit or at least hold off on the arguing until her dad provoked her. Unless she figured the best way to prevent her dad from criticizing Hisao was to act as a lightning rod, in which case she did well.
I always thought of a taller, more gaunt Satoru Iwata.
That's kind of how I pictured him as well. It seems a bit weird to see a succesful businessman in his fifties (probably) walking around with long hair tied back in a ponytail unless he's a member of the mafia.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 2:19 am
by Steinherz
Guest Poster wrote:
I always thought of a taller, more gaunt Satoru Iwata.
That's kind of how I pictured him as well. It seems a bit weird to see a succesful businessman in his fifties (probably) walking around with long hair tied back in a ponytail unless he's a member of the mafia.
Some people can pull that off and not look like they're in the Mafia though :lol:
Image

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 3:21 am
by Guest Poster
Heh, not sure if that's an improvement. :)

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 9:33 am
by Mirage_GSM
Triscuitable wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:
she doesn’t want to be in the car when him and Akira start going at it.
"he and Akira"
Actually, there are several ways he could have phrased that. His original statement is in proper form, as is your correction of "he and Akira." Other replacements that could be used are "Akira and he" and "Akira and him".
"Him" is an object pronoun.
"He" is a subject pronoun.
Both Mr. Satou and Akira are the subjects of the subordinate clause, so the only correct forms are "He and Akira" or "Akira and he" (or "they" if you want to play it safe.)
"Him" is wrong whether it is placed before or after Akira.

An easy way to check if a pronoun fits if you're not comfortable with those grammatical terms is to just drop "Akira" and see if the remaining sentence still makes sense:
"Him start(s) going at it." - Doesn't really make sense, does it?

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 9:45 pm
by neio
Going to weigh in on the grammar.

But first, excellent chapter. I hope we'll be seeing more of Mr. Satou.

-----

Mirage is right. "Him" never does anything (him runs, him ran, him thinks, him did, him starts) because "him" is an object, and nothing is ever done to "he" (I ate he, I will eat he, I think about he) because "he" is a subject. The confusion is similar to the me vs I dichotomy, where "me" is the object and "I" is the subject. (I start going at it, Akira and I start going at it, he shouted at Akira and me.)

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 10:12 pm
by Acik
Love the new edition, good as always. In my opinion, your Mr Satou comes off more believable than fluff's. While both certainly are massive d-bags, your interpretation is a bit more down to earth. He is an over the top character, I think, no matter how you slice it, but his motives seem justified in his own douchy way. Hm, it was hard for me to type that. Even so...Akira should knock his ass out...

I think the introduction with him is always the hardest to pull off. We all already have some sort of baseline expectation for Mr Satou, and I can honestly say yours is different enough to stay fresh. I'm terribly interested to see what you do with him. Godspeed.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:05 am
by Bad Apple
’s a weird feeling, to say the least. Whether it be a simple explanation or a drawn out, detailed study session with the her and Lilly, it keeps coming back; this strange satisfaction with having helped someone learn or figure something out.
with her and Lilly
“I wouldn’t know anything about accommodations. The only thing I’ve been told about is that we’re picking him up at the airport.” I reply, holding the door to the empty classroom open for both of them. “What should I expect?”
Er. At this point they're already inside and preparing their lunch, yes? So did Hisao time-shift back in time by 2 minutes or am I missing something?

As for Mr. Satou, good introduction. I'm nitpicking here, but it feels odd that this serious multimillionaire businessman has to get picked up by his daughter in her not-so-luxurious(?) car like he's one of "the little people." You kind of naturally expect a private jet and a limo, y'know? But I suppose from what we've seen of him so far, the man suffers from Jigoro Eccentric Douchebag Syndrome; he'd just commandeer the jet and drive the limo himself...

Considering the probable results, those sound like joyous ideas

Although you have heard this complaint before, I would still like to remind you of two errors you have yet corrected, in narrative form:

"One, continuing dialogue from the same character into a new paragraph without indicating so."

"And two, format bookisms correctly." I say

"And two, format bookisms correctly," I say.


I can forgive the second one, but the first one just throws me off. Every. Time.
Lilly utters a polite giggle. “My my, that’s certainly better than what Akira had to say.”

“She and I had a bit of a debate over it, a few nights ago when she first mentioned it to me.” She continues
And not at the end of the sentence: because I thought the "I" was Hisao, I had to do a double-take. That lowers readability. Place "She continues" before the dialogue or at the end of the previous paragraph. Remember that, few exceptions aside, the reader is never to be confused as to who is speaking at any given time.

And lastly... There is an odd conspiracy afoot when more than one author in this forum goes on to update on the same day. :evil:

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:12 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I'm nitpicking here, but it feels odd that this serious multimillionaire businessman has to get picked up by his daughter in her not-so-luxurious(?) car like he's one of "the little people."
I'm curious. Where did you get the idea that he is a multi-millionaire?
Yes, we know he is rich. He owns a company... Do we even know he owns it? I'll have to check that one...
Anyway there's a lot of room between being rich and flying around the world in a private jet on a whim.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:47 pm
by Guest Poster
Yes, he owns it. Akira refers to it as "her family's company" and Lilly mentions that "my father's business has its headquarters in Scotland and an executive position became available for him there". What's very likely is that Lilly's grandfather used to run the company and when he retired, leadership was transferred over to Lilly's dad. (although he had to move to Scotland because head office moved there)

I noticed, btw, that the word "stepbrother" was dropped. Not sure if this is referring to Jigoro, but Jigoro and Lilly's father aren't stepbrothers, but brothers-in-law. Shizune's mother is Mr. Satou's sister.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:52 pm
by bhtooefr
And, in this story, it's been named as Satou Electronics.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 11:41 am
by Carighan
Ah, interesting way to write him.
It's also a bit weird, because you wrote Jigoro in the way I'd imagine him to be if he wasn't used for such a caricature in KS, OTOH Thebigboss is grotesque unfriendly and egoistic here.

Enjoying this. A lot. :D

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 11/20]

Posted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:59 pm
by monkeywitha6pack
I personally really enjoy the way you did her father. People normally write him as very controlling over Akira and Lilly and it doesn't seem so in this story and i really like it. I mean if he was controlling he wouldn't of just got out of the car and walked away.