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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 6:23 am
by SwimmingInCloudland
OH GOD YES

All the beers for Thanatos2; I love you man, no homo.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:54 am
by Carighan
Very awesome chapter, thank you. :)

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 08, 2013 4:21 pm
by Thanatos02
YourFavAnon wrote:The necessary Thanatos H-Scene has finally occurred. I am not disappointed. Excited to see where this continues!
It had to happen eventually. Originally I planned to fit it in near the middle of act 4, but actual progression of the story turned out slower than I anticipated so I decided to just roll with the punches and push it back. Thanks for reading as always, YFA.
Maradar wrote:Really well written. I enjoy the way that the H-scene was more about love and exploration then about fucking. I also liked how it wasn't perfect, nobody's perfect their first time, so well done with the realism. I'm thoroughly enjoying this route :), keep up the good work Thanatos02!
Gauldoth Half-Dead wrote:The best thing about this whole thing is that it's pictured so realistically. This part not being an exception.
Yes.
Just... yes.
I have decided, this is one of my favourite pieces on this site, and for me it wins in the category of "canon character without a route". If I ever meet you, I'll buy you a beer or two.
That was one of the goals I set for myself, and I think I've managed to stay close to it post-act 2. I've actually had thoughts of going back and re-writing most of act 2 now that I have a better idea of what I'm doing so that I can finally kill off that stupid random encounters crap. Something to the effect of
-Meet Akira at suit shop.
-Talk to Lilly/Hanako about stuff, get more involved with them as characters at the beginning.
-Go shopping for Hanako's present with Akira and Lilly and have the coffee scene happen there.
-Bench scene axed altogether. Don't have that crap where Akira brings up breaking up with her boyfriend with a guy she barely knows, no matter how friendly he may be. Hisao would still find out that she has a boyfriend, but he wouldn't learn of the issues until later on, either through a chapter where Hisao has a bigger conversation with Lilly about Akira, or in 2-8 when they're playing pool and Akira mentions that she can't do stuff like this with her boyfriend.
-Everything else happens as normal.

In reality it's not THAT big of a re-write, it just axes two of the "random encounter" scenes. The first one and the one where you see her in the city are still reasonable, and maybe you could make the one in 2-7 that much moreso by foreshadowing that Akira had plans to go out with friends that night. Either way; what's done is done, and this is something I won't actually consider doing until the story is closed up. Also you'd have to wait 2 years to buy me a beer, at least here in the states.
Triscuitable wrote:You went the route of actually integrating it into the plot without making it grating or unintentionally hilarious, as so much erotica has done before.
That, and you avoided the dreaded Nasuverse effect. Nice use of pronouns in place of nouns.
I've been writing lewd for a while now, so I've already had plenty of time to overstep those potholes for the most part. My personal philosophy is that it's a lot more erotic to leave things open enough for the reader's imagination to fill in the gaps, rather than wasting time and padding things out by describing every single action and movement of their genitalia. It can work in some styles of prose, but in my writing, I do my best to leave it out. You're better off being more descriptive about what the narrator is seeing and what he thinks about all of it and the emotions he's feeling, rather than "I slowly thrust and send her reeling with multiple orgasms. The end."

Thanks everyone for reading, and I apologize for taking so long to respond to comments. Already well on my way with 5-3, although I'll have to dash some hopes and say it won't be nearly as long as this chapter.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 2:07 am
by azahk101
Man, I'm so happy I finally got caught up. Just recently joined in on the forum, and I sure as hell haven't been disappointed. When I first saw this idea of an Akira pseudo-route, I've gotta say that I was a little skeptical. It wasn't until I'd read the Suzu and Aiko pseudo-routes that I realized that a good writer can make anything enjoyable.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the heck out of this. Keep doing what you're doing, Thanatos02, because you've got another addicted follower out of me. I also just want to say that I'm beyond impressed that you could deal with what sounds like some struggles with social things, college, and anything life can throw at you while continuing to update this wonderful story. Stay strong and keep writing, because you've got so much damn talent man!

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:11 am
by Carighan
Thanatos02 wrote:I've been writing lewd for a while now, [...]
*raises eyebrow*

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:20 pm
by BlackWaltzTheThird
Carighan wrote:
Thanatos02 wrote:I've been writing lewd for a while now, [...]
*raises eyebrow*
http://pastebin.com/u/Thanatos02

There's actually a tag for things that aren't lewd.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 5:48 pm
by pip25
Awesome story. I've been reading this over the course of the past several days, and been enjoying it immensely nearly all the way. :)
It's been said before, but I feel it's worth reiterating: perhaps the most incredible aspect of this fanfic is how real it feels, both in terms of relationship development and characters. The KS characters, especially Akira are handled superbly, but really, there's basically no way to tell the pre-established characters and the OCs apart in terms of depth. It feels like I'm reading a story about real people with real flaws and merits struggling with real relationships, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I don't think I've managed to come across another writer in the KS fandom so far who does the realism aspect THIS well.
Also, the pacing of acts 2-4 is something of a rare gem, and I feel this contributes immensely to the realism described above. Yes, it is slow. No, that is NOT a problem whatsoever, because a slow pace can also be quite rewarding if you write it in an interesting way, and you certainly deliver in that department. Don't look at the material the bridges events or leads up to some larger conflict as "filler". Don't be afraid of them. You have the talent to use these parts to your advantage, so do not hesitate to do so. So far, every single such part only benefited the story as a whole. I want to stress this because all too many people (myself included) are afraid of using a slower pace for their tales, and this fanfic is the perfect example of what can be accomplished with it without anything becoming repetitive or boring. Truly great work. :)

Japan feels a bit "americanized" in your story (for example, I don't think Japanese people eat pancakes for breakfast or put their legs on their desks, the latter is actually quite rude), but this never became truly distracting. On the other hand, I'd like to offer two pieces of criticism which significantly affected my reading experience.
First of all, I'm rather perplexed about the time skip. It seems to go against the awesome pacing of the previous parts, especially considering what you skipped: the beginnings of Akira and Hisao's relationship as a romantic couple. I mean, they're already sleeping with each other by the second part of Act Five... O_o I'm not saying that's a bad thing in and of itself, but it feels strange compared to what came before. It's like you're filming the day a guy graduates from university, starting from the very moment he opens his eyes and sits up in bed, and following him with minimal cuts throughout the day - but just when the graduation ceremony starts you skip half of it and cut right to the part when the guy receives his diploma. Perhaps you have your reasons why the ceremony had to be cut, but to me it still feels like a missed opportunity, to say the least.
As for the second... well, where to start...
The climax of Act Four was great. The conflict between Akira and Tetsuo was interesting throughout the story; many characters presented somewhat two-dimensional summaries of the issue at hand, but given their position that was only to be expected, and we could always tell that something more complex, something more, well, human, was behind the whole thing. The actual resolution basically lived up to this as well. With one exception: it made me lose all sympathy for the protagonist, that being Hisao Nakai.
Actually, while this was indeed cemented by the fourth act's finale, my distaste had been growing for a while before that. Hisao was in a pretty bad moral position to start with, given that he's fallen in love with a woman who was already in a long-term relationship, but at first he fully recognized the dangers of this situation and tried his best to avoid his potential selfishness causing problems to everyone around him. I was actually looking forward to see how you'll be able to pull him out of this mess without making him look bad... Well, you didn't. Regrettably, his sense of restraint (among other things) slowly but surely eroded until it disappeared entirely by the end of Act Four, and to say that it made him look bad is quite the understatement. When he was secretly listening into Akira's private conversation with Tetsuo, I merely winced. When he tried to talk Lilly and Akira out of leaving, his "method" (which entailed repeating basically the same thing over and over while becoming more and more pissed, and delivering his one single meaningful line just before he left) made me shake my head with disappointment. But really, this was nothing but foreshadowing for what came next.
Hisao seems to be incapable of keeping his mouth shut when it matters, but, well, nobody's perfect. You'd think, however, that when he lets the truth slip in front of Tetsuo, the next thing he'd do is call Akira to tell her that he messed up. So, you know, she can prepare for what is about to happen. Or if he didn't do so by phone for some bizarre reason, he'd tell her when they meet, instead of trying to make freakin' small talk. >_> Or if for some even more bizarre reason he neglects to tell her until her boyfriend shows up, he'd stay out of the resulting argument that he helped create. Or if, God forbid, he still feels unable to keep his damn mouth shut, and has to add something, it'd be something with a little more meaning to it than the following gem:
You’re full of crap. I’ve seen it. All you do is pose pointless arguments and refuse to give even an inch when it comes to settling anything. Don't you think she deserves better than that?!
Gee, that made everything so much better. He turned the argument between Akira and Tetsuo into a two against one shouting match, which only served to cement that he and Akira are absolutely right, Tetsuo is absolutely wrong and should get the hell out of here. And maybe I'd even give this viewpoint some credit IF this outcome would not be so extremely convenient for Hisao. But it is, and this makes the whole thing goddamn disgusting.
Just to make things clear, this is not a problem with Hisao's characterization. He is characterized superbly... as an immature, love-struck and, as a consequence, slightly selfish fool. Tetsuo might have been a jerk when he tried to ignore him just because he's younger, but sadly enough Hisao had it coming for a while before that. What is perhaps more unfortunate is that his immaturity never catches up to him. No one got even a little bit mad at him, he got the girl, Akira and Lilly stayed in Japan, everything's peachy. Well, no thanks to you, Hisao Nakai. Or, at least, I have a hard time deciding whether things turned out okay because or despite his best efforts.

For the time being, though, I think I'll just ignore Hisao's stupidity, because the conflict in Act Five promises to be just as, if not even more interesting than what came before, and I'm also intrigued by the possible directions Hisao's and Akira's relationship can go from here. My above rant nonwithstanding, this is a truly great fic and I'm looking forward to seeing it continue. :)

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:51 pm
by OutofBlues
I agree with your assessment of Nakai, Pip, but I think in this case it adds to the story. In the canon routes Hisao seems to have various glaring weaknesses in character, in Lilly's route, he totally fails to fight for the woman he loves, in Hanako's route he fails to take into consideration that he is underestimating her, and is blinded by his desire to be a Champion. A lot of the fanfic I've been reading the last few weeks has been spotty in this regard, but not in Thanatos' story. How many of us would have been able to keep quiet during Akira and Tetsuo's argument? Could we really sit by while this jackass fails to understand the consequences of his attitude not only on his relationship with Akira, but to Akira herself and her future in Japan?

Yes his actions were, by any objective standard, a mistake. But by the same token it was a very human mistake to make, and I think Akira as written would not have a hard time forgiving his rashness.

Thanatos, thank you for writing this story, I absolutely could not put it down.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:17 am
by Guest Poster
How many of us would have been able to keep quiet during Akira and Tetsuo's argument? Could we really sit by while this jackass fails to understand the consequences of his attitude not only on his relationship with Akira, but to Akira herself and her future in Japan?
I must admit the thought of a newbie employee mouthing off to his boss, about his private life no less, IS a little bit of a stretch. Not butting into someone's private life and deferring to your superiors are some of the most sacred values in Japan and it was kind of a miracle that Hisao wasn't given the pink slip immediately.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 6:07 am
by pip25
OutofBlues wrote:I agree with your assessment of Nakai, Pip, but I think in this case it adds to the story. In the canon routes Hisao seems to have various glaring weaknesses in character, in Lilly's route, he totally fails to fight for the woman he loves, in Hanako's route he fails to take into consideration that he is underestimating her, and is blinded by his desire to be a Champion. A lot of the fanfic I've been reading the last few weeks has been spotty in this regard, but not in Thanatos' story.

Oh, I agree, Hisao's faults are believable, well-written and contribute to his portrayal as a realistic character. The difference is that in both canon routes you mention, Hisao's faults also have very real consequences. Even in the good paths, they bring misfortune upon him until he realizes that he's doing something wrong. That is yet to happen in this story.
Could we really sit by while this jackass fails to understand the consequences of his attitude not only on his relationship with Akira, but to Akira herself and her future in Japan?
Calling Tetsuo a "jackass" is selling his character short. We must not forget that this is the same person who apparently gives up all his ambitions in Lilly's good ending to follow Akira to Scotland. And that's really something, considering how well his obsession with corporate glory is portrayed here; the further he goes, the less likely he is to quit, as that would invalidate all the work he has put into it until then. He's in a vicious circle, and Akira is not entirely innocent in letting things get this far; remember how Hisao's advice to talk out her problems with him struck her as something brand new just a month earlier. Who knows, if she tried to do that a year ago, maybe things wouldn't have had to deteriorate to the point they did.
The thing is, Hisao saw this quite complicated situation between Akira and Tetsuo and ultimately approached it with the sensitivity of a doorknob. Of course it was easier for him to see Tetsuo as nothing but a jackass, but that doesn't make it more true or his actions less grating.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:49 pm
by OutofBlues
Guest Poster wrote: I must admit the thought of a newbie employee mouthing off to his boss, about his private life no less, IS a little bit of a stretch. Not butting into someone's private life and deferring to your superiors are some of the most sacred values in Japan and it was kind of a miracle that Hisao wasn't given the pink slip immediately.
I am not terribly familiar with Japanese culture so your point probably has merit. I admit I too was surprised when Tetsuo didn't fire him immediately, but reasoned it away as Tetsuo not wanting to provoke Akira even further.
pip25 wrote:Oh, I agree, Hisao's faults are believable, well-written and contribute to his portrayal as a realistic character. The difference is that in both canon routes you mention, Hisao's faults also have very real consequences. Even in the good paths, they bring misfortune upon him until he realizes that he's doing something wrong. That is yet to happen in this story.


You're right that there are no MAJOR consequences for him like in other storylines, but his mouth does cause Tetsuo to confront Akira directly in "Shatter" which turned out to be a fairly traumatic event for everyone concerned. After that fight Akira asks Hisao for space to sort herself out, and as indicated in the Intermission, they've gone several weeks without talking. We may not see it, but I'm guessing that Hisao saw that forced distance as punishment for him goading Tetsuo.
Calling Tetsuo a "jackass" is selling his character short. We must not forget that this is the same person who apparently gives up all his ambitions in Lilly's good ending to follow Akira to Scotland. And that's really something, considering how well his obsession with corporate glory is portrayed here; the further he goes, the less likely he is to quit, as that would invalidate all the work he has put into it until then. He's in a vicious circle, and Akira is not entirely innocent in letting things get this far; remember how Hisao's advice to talk out her problems with him struck her as something brand new just a month earlier. Who knows, if she tried to do that a year ago, maybe things wouldn't have had to deteriorate to the point they did.
The thing is, Hisao saw this quite complicated situation between Akira and Tetsuo and ultimately approached it with the sensitivity of a doorknob. Of course it was easier for him to see Tetsuo as nothing but a jackass, but that doesn't make it more true or his actions less grating.
From a meta perspective, you're right, his character is far more complicated than what Hisao sees in Thanatos' story, but Hisao can't know that, and to be perfectly fair to Hisao, Tetsuo gives exactly 0 signs indicating that he is even capable of that sort of career sacrificing move. I don't think it's fair to this story to use what we know from Lilly's storyline judge the characters.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:32 pm
by Guest Poster
I don't think it's fair to this story to use what we know from Lilly's storyline judge the characters.
Why not? The fact that Akira seemed happy with her relationship before, reluctantly broke up with her boyfriend to start a new life in Scotland and said boyfriend later accompanied her to Europe are all canon events. That means they have to be kept in mind, even during alternative routes. You can't just dismiss them the moment they become inconvenient to the plot...your only option is to work around them. Different circumstances can cause people to act in different ways, you can use that that as a justification, but saying that Akira's boyfriend is incapable of doing something like giving up his life in Japan to join his girlfriend in Scotland is like saying Hisao is incapable of White Knighting, just because there are routes where he doesn't show that kind of behavior.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:12 pm
by Carighan
Guest Poster wrote:The fact that Akira seemed happy with her relationship before, reluctantly broke up with her boyfriend to start a new life in Scotland and said boyfriend later accompanied her to Europe are all canon events. That means they have to be kept in mind, even during alternative routes. You can't just dismiss them the moment they become inconvenient to the plot...your only option is to work around them.
Not at all.
"Canon" is that the Hanako of Lilly's route is not the Hanako of Hanako's route. "Canon" is also that the Hisao's are very distinct.

It follows that the Akira of Lilly's route is not the Akira of Akira's route.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:51 pm
by pip25
OutofBlues wrote: You're right that there are no MAJOR consequences for him like in other storylines, but his mouth does cause Tetsuo to confront Akira directly in "Shatter" which turned out to be a fairly traumatic event for everyone concerned. After that fight Akira asks Hisao for space to sort herself out, and as indicated in the Intermission, they've gone several weeks without talking. We may not see it, but I'm guessing that Hisao saw that forced distance as punishment for him goading Tetsuo.
I did not see much of an indication in the story that this was in any way traumatic for Hisao. He didn't even lose his job in the aftermath, for instance. As for the weeks they've spent without contact, well, your guess is as good as mine. We can imagine anything we see fit, but there's again little indication of any kind of "punishment" being delivered here. If anything, Akira was quick to clear Hisao of any wrongdoing immediately after the incident.
Guest Poster wrote:Why not? The fact that Akira seemed happy with her relationship before, reluctantly broke up with her boyfriend to start a new life in Scotland and said boyfriend later accompanied her to Europe are all canon events. That means they have to be kept in mind, even during alternative routes.
I think OutofBlues was referring to the fact that the Hisao in this route could not have possibly known what Tetsuo might have done in other routes. That is a good point, and I shouldn't have used that as part of the argument when describing Hisao's insensitive behavior. I'd like to note however, that Hisao here had pretty much the same information as we have (not counting info coming from other routes of course). He had several chances to see Tetsuo as a person instead of a love rival - and he felt rather uncomfortable during these moments, understandably. From the looks of it though, he didn't learn much from the above occasions; I feel it's partly because his feelings clouded his judgment, and partly because he's acting like an immature kid at times. This line, for instance, describes his current limitations quite well:
I don't understand the mindset, how you can love someone so much and yet hate so many things about them.
His AU self from Rin's route would have a good laugh at that, I'd say. ;)
Carighan wrote:Not at all.
"Canon" is that the Hanako of Lilly's route is not the Hanako of Hanako's route. "Canon" is also that the Hisao's are very distinct.
That is a weird position to take. The routes are not completely separate; they branch off of one single storyline, depending on the player's choices. Are you saying that if I spent the school festival in Lilly's company instead of Hanako's, someone secretly replaced Hanako with another Hanako for Lilly's route? Surely that's absurd. Different writers for different routes might result in somewhat different portrayals, but they should still be part of the same canon.

Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 8/31]

Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:47 pm
by Guest Poster
With Hanako, it did seem like that at times but you can justify Hanako's different behavior partially due to there being no situations where her issues that aren't mere shyness (like her misantropy and occasional distrust in her friends) are brought out. But still, Lilly-route Hanako still has Hanako-route's Hanako's deeper issues buried deep down and Hanako-route's Hanako still has Lilly-route Hanako's stronger side hidden deep down.