Akira Pseudo-Route [Complete!]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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neio
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by neio » Wed Apr 24, 2013 7:50 pm

I bring stuff and things!
"Dude, I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word."
Coldplay?
"Busy busy busy.” Kenji says, crossing his arms and shifting his weight back and forth.
Don't ask me why, but I immediately thought of this guy.
I raise my knuckles up to the door and knock a few times, letting my hand drop to the doorknob as a voice from inside calls for me to come in.
The use of "letting" makes it seem like all of this is happening simultaneously. I'd replace it with "then let" or restructure the whole sentence.
Despite only being seven, she’s already changed into a pair of royal-blue pajamas
Either Lilly is seven years old, or you're missing a word.
However, now is a perfect time to ask. I don’t know if Hanako is aware yet, so I’d rather not be the one to reveal it to her. It’s Lilly’s and Akira’s business who finds out about their plans so I shouldn’t spread it around. At any rate, the sound of the shower running on the other end of the wall hasn’t slowed so I should have at least a few minutes to discuss a few things.
“It’s nothing worth talking about right now, I think.” I say, deciding to wait.
Two things:
You use "so" a lot here. If nothing else, please precede each with a comma.
This section doesn't make sense. "This is a perfect opportunity. I think I'll let it pass."
“we were able to keep contact during that week..."
Capitalize "we."
“Is that so?” I ask, surprised that such plans have been made.
I think I'll post this in the Tips thread. I call it "trusting your readers:" avoid explaining obvious things. You don't need to go this far, but a little Hemingway never hurt.
and what almost like faint humming.
You accidentally a word :P
Plus it’s been a while since we’ve had these.
Use a comma after "plus."
Recommended fics: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route | Sisterhood (Hanako Epilogue) | Can You Open Your Heart? (Rika)

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demonix
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by demonix » Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:01 pm

neio wrote:
Despite only being seven, she’s already changed into a pair of royal-blue pajamas
Either Lilly is seven years old, or you're missing a word.
Hisao is talking about the time there (Lilly had already changed into pyjamas, even though it's only seven in the evening), but I think an it is needed between despite and only.

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neio
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by neio » Thu Apr 25, 2013 8:04 pm

demonix wrote:
neio wrote:
Despite only being seven, she’s already changed into a pair of royal-blue pajamas
Either Lilly is seven years old, or you're missing a word.
Hisao is talking about the time there (Lilly had already changed into pyjamas, even though it's only seven in the evening), but I think an it is needed between despite and only.
I know. "It" is the missing word I referenced.
Recommended fics: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route | Sisterhood (Hanako Epilogue) | Can You Open Your Heart? (Rika)

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Triscuitable
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Triscuitable » Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:44 am

demonix wrote:
neio wrote: Hisao is talking about the time there (Lilly had already changed into pyjamas, even though it's only seven in the evening), but I think an it is needed between despite and only.
I know. "It" is the missing word I referenced.
Actually, it works both ways. In this case, "it" is an additional word that would be ignored in certain regions or accents. I'm not at the top of my English class for nothing.

EDIT: To go a little deeper, the sentence, "despite only being seven" essentially means, "despite [it] only being seven". So you are both correct. However, the correction was unwarranted, as it was correct to begin with. Maybe not in your area, but the difference here is just like US citizens saying "zee" while Canadians say "zed". Well, sort of.

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neio
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by neio » Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:51 pm

Triscuitable wrote:
demonix wrote:
neio wrote: Hisao is talking about the time there (Lilly had already changed into pyjamas, even though it's only seven in the evening), but I think an it is needed between despite and only.
I know. "It" is the missing word I referenced.
Actually, it works both ways. In this case, "it" is an additional word that would be ignored in certain regions or accents. I'm not at the top of my English class for nothing.

EDIT: To go a little deeper, the sentence, "despite only being seven" essentially means, "despite [it] only being seven". So you are both correct. However, the correction was unwarranted, as it was correct to begin with. Maybe not in your area, but the difference here is just like US citizens saying "zee" while Canadians say "zed". Well, sort of.
In what dialect can you imply a different subject from the one explicitly stated in the sentence? The following sentence would work too, yes?
Although seven, Lilly's happy.
All I've done is removed a few unnecessary words and made a few grammatically equivalent substitutions. By your logic, it's equivalent to
Although it's seven, Lilly's happy.
in some dialects, correct?

We need a grammar thread. We'll grab Mirage_GSM and have a grammar party, debating the usage of "awhile" and "whom."
Recommended fics: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route | Sisterhood (Hanako Epilogue) | Can You Open Your Heart? (Rika)

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Mut-Who
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Mut-Who » Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:11 pm

This is an interesting pseudo-route to say the least, and one where the conflict actually remains surprisingly balanced, in terms of characters and their motivations. No one in this is entirely right, not even Tetsuo, could be characterized as definitively and unquestioningly in the wrong. Everyone has their perspective and everyone has a rational behind their choices, but they're all portrayed as even-handed and, even if a bit thick, still at least somewhat reasonable. All this even while us having a biased viewpoint in Hisao, so first and foremost props there.

I have to admit that I'm highly interested in seeing how our dedicated, if naive, friend Hisao manages to win the day, get the girl and all that. The conflict is laid up in such a manner that I have my own theories namely relating Hisao losing his friends, accomplishments and life to circumstance to Akira getting ready to choose to lose her friends, family and accomplishments in Japan in the name of a job, which Tetsuo would find agreeable (to her chagrin) and a father she despises.

What I like about this route, despite its early reliance on chance-meetings (although I won't dwell on this) is the relationship that this Akira and Hisao here is pretty sound. I can really buy that someone like Hisao, a teen who ostensibly has had his entire life thrown upside down and is forced to rebuild, could come to appreciate and really care for someone like Akira, who went through similar circumstances and managed to do what Hisao, and the 'Can you' of this route, wants to do: move forward. The actual scenes of their interaction are also quite good.

So in other words, good job, can't wait to see more and good luck!
Last edited by Mut-Who on Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:18 pm

Mut-Who wrote:can't wait to see more and
And? And what? AND WHAT?

Also, weird seeing you here. Last I saw you was like a year ago.
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Triscuitable
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Triscuitable » Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:04 pm

In what dialect can you imply a different subject from the one explicitly stated in the sentence? The following sentence would work too, yes?
Although seven, Lilly's happy.
All I've done is removed a few unnecessary words and made a few grammatically equivalent substitutions. By your logic, it's equivalent to
Although it's seven, Lilly's happy.
in some dialects, correct?[/quote]

No, because like the rest of the English language, it's incredibly convoluted, and full of rules you need to follow (case in point: accents are stupid). In your opinion, I'm incorrect. In my opinion, you're both correct. Thus, let's stop this bickering. It's getting us nowhere.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:30 pm

Despite only being seven, she’s already changed into a pair of royal-blue pajamas
Either Lilly is seven years old, or you're missing a word.
I have to agree with Neio here - the sentence is indeed incorrect. Without any other indication the first part refers to the "she" - in this case to Lilly.
It's also not a dialect, because even in a dialect you need a way to discern the subject of the expression.
Even if it were a dialect, this is an inner monologue, and you don't usually use dialect for those.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Mon Apr 29, 2013 9:01 pm

I'm inclined to agree as well. Without any other subjects stated in the sentence, it is implied that all clauses refer to Lilly. To say "despite it only being seven" or "despite only being seven o'clock" removes that ambiguity. It's not a matter of "dialects". Perhaps it may be appropriate as a spoken line, given that people tend to break conventions of language all the time in speech, but as prose it should definitely state the subject of the first clause.
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Triscuitable
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Triscuitable » Wed May 01, 2013 10:47 pm

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I'm inclined to agree as well. Without any other subjects stated in the sentence, it is implied that all clauses refer to Lilly. To say "despite it only being seven" or "despite only being seven o'clock" removes that ambiguity. It's not a matter of "dialects". Perhaps it may be appropriate as a spoken line, given that people tend to break conventions of language all the time in speech, but as prose it should definitely state the subject of the first clause.
Dialects, accents, what-have-you. It matters not, for one pretty stinking obvious reason:

You are all arguing over the presence/absence of a single, two-letter word.

Chill out; this is the second most pointless argument I've had to deal with today.

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LorSquirrel
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by LorSquirrel » Wed May 01, 2013 11:03 pm

whats the first?

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Wed May 01, 2013 11:22 pm

Triscuitable wrote:Chill out
Says he, immediately after writing in an enlarged, bolded font. Also, we're not arguing - with each other, at least - we're entirely in agreement. You're wording your accusation such that it omits your involvement in this "pointless argument". I'd wager that the term "argument" might not have even entered the discussion had you just accepted that you're wrong. There are no opinons about it. Please direct any further responses to PMs, as not to cluttler up Thana's thread.
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Thanatos02
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Thanatos02 » Wed May 01, 2013 11:29 pm

I, uh.
I fixed that one mistake about a week ago.

Changed it to
Despite it being fairly early in the evening, she’s already changed into a pair of royal-blue pajamas
4-8 is almost ready. I'm hoping to release it this Friday.

Fanuilos
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 4/23]

Post by Fanuilos » Thu May 02, 2013 12:24 am

Awesome, looking forward to it Thanatos!

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