Radioactive (or Katawa: Call of Yamaku) (or something)

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Re: Radioactive (or Katawa: Call of Yamaku) (or something)

Post by Scissorlips » Sat Oct 13, 2012 5:05 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:At the rate people are dieing here the zone will probably be empty in three days tops.
Such is life in the zone, I guess.
ProfAllister wrote:Well written and fun. A good job.

I do feel the need to point out that it doesn't really pass the "Does it need to be a crossover?" threshold. It's a generic post-apoc drama with imported names and relatively irrelevant personality tics. Not a bad thing, but the crossover aspect was probably detrimental.

Still a fun story, and I'm sure you knew it was breaking rules for the sake of breaking rules, but it merits saying.

(This is meant to be mostly positive, even if it doesn't sound that way.)

One bit bothered me, though:
Scissorlips wrote:He's fast and damn does he look strong, but he's slow, as long as I keep backing up I should be able to put him down, I should be just fine.
Breaking the law of non-contradiction is a side effect of the radiation? :P
Actually, I wouldn't really call it a crossover either, that's why the title is still just Radioactive. The "call of Yamaku" thing was more just to give people some context or a general idea, since "Radioactive (Hisao)" still seemed too vague. I don't consider this a crossover myself, although it's certainly influenced and inspired by the Stalker games and Metro 2033. I also threw in a few references or jokes, but nothing specifically from the games themselves. And as for that bit about Taro, it had indeed slipped my mind, thanks for the correction, it's fixed now. Thanks for reading and responding.
Catgirl Kleptocracy wrote:Stuff
Dat... dat feedback. Can I keep you?
Seriously though, thank you for taking the time to deliver such a well-thought out and prepared response, I appreciate it tremendously.
Like I mentioned above, it was never really designed to be a crossover, more of an AU story. As for the keeping the final goal a secret, you raise a very good point. Well, several of them. To be honest, it never occurred to me to make Shizune's deception the biggest twist, and revealing his intentions earlier could have led to a wealth of interesting internal conflict. I don't necessarily agree that a narrator choosing not to directly address or think about something in this case, such as his mission, severs the reader's connection to such a point. While I completely understand where you're coming from, I confess that I enjoy feeding the reader breadcrumbs and allowing them to put the picture together themselves, rather than spelling the entire thing out for them. I won't claim to be a master of it by a long shot, but I still think it's a viable, useful storytelling tool, and one that I enjoyed using in this piece. You're completely right in that it might have hindered the story in some places, and things could have potentially been better if handled differently, but I still overall like it as a literary device. If the first two chapters come off as somewhat disjointed from the rest, I'll also confess that it wasn't until about the third chapter that I really hit my stride and figured out exactly where I wanted to go next and how to do it. This piece was really something that I wanted to just fly by the seat of my pants and not have to worry about longer plotlines or story consequences for once, and I'm sure that shows.
Thank you again for your constructive criticism, it's very valuable to me. I'm glad you enjoyed the story, I know I enjoyed writing it, even if, looking back, a couple things could have or should have been handled differently.
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I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

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Re: Radioactive (or Katawa: Call of Yamaku) (or something)

Post by Roamin12 » Sun Oct 28, 2012 2:50 pm

The world in this story is just as bleak, if not even more so, than the worlds portrayed in The Walking Dead and Darker Than Black, but like both series, you managed to keep some warmth in it, even though there wasn't that much, and it was also extremely well-written, kudos on this awesome story.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

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