Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 18/08/2013)
Posted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 2:54 am
I wish I could have optimism for people ;-;..
(Where's the Walkthrough?)
Meh, happy endings only exist in fairy tales, no such thing in real life. That's the "real" part of it, been about 5 years since then and I still have a hard time just looking at girls again. Really, my dating experience is terrible, 2/3 were basically whores(imo) and ditched me for some other dude, and the 1/3 that I truly thought would be "the one", my magical high school relationship, ended worse than the other two combined. There are no happy endings, just okay distractions.YZQ wrote:I meant life is unpredictable, as what happened to your ex.
Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious... . And yeah, the quicker the bad stuff is out of the way the sooner we can get onto the happy stuffBestTerribleApe wrote:I can't eat, I can't sleep, though I can't stay awake, and whatever I do I find myself reminded of him.
Well, that escalated quickly. Not to say it's bad, but you seems determined to quickly get this out of the way. Not that anybody can blame you.*last two chapters*
Oh yes, it'll get worse, but I think it does fit. And you're right, though I hadn't thought about it myself before. The whole state of Hanako's emotions do kind of match the style of the writing, though I'll confess that a part of it is more my own desire to get through the worst parts quickly (and also to try and come up with a decent thought process for Hanako without constantly dwelling on the 'woe is me', angsty moping that we see in so many bad teenage emo fics (both fanfic and 'professional' works, you know the kind of crap I mean) and without dragging the good writing out until it loses its appeal)...Negativedarke wrote:Arrgh. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. Because you're going to have to tackle the point where Hanako's self loathing turns to hatred for Hisao. Yeah these last few chapters have been short, and a bit frantic, but I think that works. It helps drive home the chaotic state Hanako's emotions are in.
This is a decent critique, but I'm glad of it, because any chance for me to improve as a writer is a chance worth taking, so thank you . I agree with you on your own response to sidorak26's comment, though as you rightly guessed I did have an answer myself which I posted not long after your comment, so I'll spare the repost as it's not really necessary I guess. Regarding your critical views, I'll also agree that some of the prose that I wrote was a bit sloppy. Your own edit, while not really much more than a quick cut-and-paste, does work pretty well, so it's something I'll try and bear in mind in the next few chapters. I'll certainly be the first to admit that the earlier parts of the story are a lot rougher than the later parts, though in my experience they always do tend to be. My focus now is to try and get the last chapters done in decent time and finish the story, especially since I've been working on it now for roughly a year or more, but if I ever decide to revisit the story (a big task given it's roughly the same word count now as a short novel, the biggest project I've ever managed to stick with), then I'll definitely be making a lot of edits and your own critique will be very useful in helping me there, so thank you again .Bad Apple wrote:Snipped for length
I did originally consider doing this for the other girls as well, but with the time it's taken for just Hanako's route I doubt I'll be trying it for the others now. Though I agree with your comment, I did consider maybe a Rin one-shot at some point. I suppose it'll be something waiting on the radar if I feel like it (though I want to work more on my short Secret World fanfic and my original projects as well when this story is done, especially my neglected short screenplays...)Shail wrote:*popcorn* Imagine trying to write a Rin's story... the mental dialogue for 5 mins would take pages *drool*
Finally, I do have to agree with Guest Poster here. I do feel for the problems that the people here have faced, and I do sympathise, but I would definitely agree that the thread for discussion of such topics, i.e. Hanako's Broken Hearts, would be a better suited place for such conversation. I hope that everyone who has been affected by such hardship and heartbreak is able to recover and gain the love and affection that we all need and want, and that everyone is able to live a happy life just the way they want . Also, sorry if my words there sound a little awkward, hopefully the genuine sentiment is clear though.Guest Poster wrote:No offense, but maybe Hanako's broken heart club is a better place for this discussion than Trivun's thread.
Never seen Drive?Trivun wrote:Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious...
No problem. If you ever need a proofreader in the future, let me know. I'd be honored to proofread the fic of any of the talented writers here. I can be as nitpicky as desired, provided I'm not hurting anyone's feelings of course; my intention on critique is for improvement and that seems to be the general M.O. around here, which is good.Trivun wrote:Words.
I'm torn. He does add something, but he also takes away a great deal. Whenever anything heavy happens (or just at random as well), he immediately undercuts it with endless spastic clownery. Kinda ruins it, in my opinion.bhtooefr wrote:when he breaks from the script to crack a joke or comment on the events, his narration generally amplifies the emotion and characterization over just reading the text, in my opinion
I've not actually seen Drive yet, but it does look good, and that is an awesome song .BestTerribleApe wrote:Never seen Drive?Trivun wrote:Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious...
And it's good to see that, thank you. I've posted stuff on other sites before where people have been unduly harsh (even on things I know were bad and have tried to improve on), and places where people have been completely praiseworthy even when undeserved, so good valid critique is always welcome .Bad Apple wrote:No problem. If you ever need a proofreader in the future, let me know. I'd be honored to proofread the fic of any of the talented writers here. I can be as nitpicky as desired, provided I'm not hurting anyone's feelings of course; my intention on critique is for improvement and that seems to be the general M.O. around here, which is good.Trivun wrote:Words.
Now go write the best damn endings you can and take your time. This forum isn't going anywhere.
That's pretty high praise, so I thank you for it . Not to toot my own horn, but I went to a grammar school and then university, so I've been surrounded by intelligent people for over a decade now, meaning that I think it's a bit easier for me to write intelligent people because of that by drawing on the people around me, in a similar way to how I drew on my own experiences of both being bullied (fortunately only ever verbally, never physically) and of unrequited love when younger in order to write those aspects of Hanako. I think the key part really has been keeping her down to Earth more than anything, and then the intelligence has just come naturally as a result of that. Trying to get into Hanako's mindset, no matter how traumatic it may be, is the real skill, which leads on to everything else. As I've said before though, I've always been a character writer more than anything else, so that's the main skill I tend to bring to my writing. Other writers are better than me at description, or complex and intriguing plots, and as writers we have to make the best of the skills and styles that we have...Finn Solomon wrote:Just popping in to say that I've just finished reading this fic and I like it very much. I particularly enjoyed Hanako's characterisation as an intelligent and observant person while being too shy to actually show it outwardly. Even seasoned comic book writers and novelists and movie scriptwriters find it difficult to write 'intelligent' characters, like Reed Richards and Sherlock Holmes. But even though you have an extra level of difficulty to work with (Hanako can't display her intelligence in an obvious manner) you've managed to portray it very well indeed. Well done Trivun!
It always feels like kind of an honour when people write their first posts on a thread I've made, no matter what forum I'm on, so thanks to you as well, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story . I haven't seen any playthroughs of KS, to be honest, so I'm not familiar with MillBee's that you mentioned, though that's just me I suppose. I said this before as well, truth be told, but I found it hard to write pretty much every scene where Hanako cracks, especially since as I mention above I try to get into the character's mindset and try to feel exactly as they would be feeling (which usually helps me in determining both emotion and motive for later events and actions). It's kind of why I rushed through getting two chapters out in a similar way within a few days, when it's normally been weeks between updates. It's also why I've put off writing the next chapter for over a month.bhtooefr wrote:Trivun,
I'm gonna burn my first post here, to thank you.
I think you completely nailed Hanako's anxiety/depression issues as she cracks, in Act 3 Chapter 10 and Act 4 Chapter 1.
Because I would have reacted similarly. Not anywhere near the same magnitude (but, then, the pain and rejection I've experienced in my life pales to what Hanako's experienced), but the same exact thoughts and depressive spirals have gone through my head with even the smallest of perceived slights from someone I've been romantically interested in (which is a story I don't care to share, other than that I deeply empathize with Hanako there).
That... almost needs a trigger warning, to be honest. And I'm not saying that like it's bad or anything, I'm saying it like that's such an accurate portrayal of that mental state that it was painful for me to read.
(As an aside, this is also the first piece of KS fanfic I read. Funny thing is, I haven't actually played the game, even - I've recently started following MillBee's play-through (currently watching my way through Emi's arc). Means I don't have control over it, but it's entertaining, and even when he breaks from the script to crack a joke or comment on the events, his narration generally amplifies the emotion and characterization over just reading the text, in my opinion - I have trouble processing speech when there's no text anchoring it, so an audiobook version wouldn't work, but narration is extremely helpful.)