Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

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TARDISman85
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by TARDISman85 » Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:40 pm

Woohoo, update this weekend! Yet another thing for me to look forward to after my midterm! Are you planning on adding an epilogue or something to the good end, or is it going to end at the same point as in the game?

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by Negativedarke » Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:44 pm

Guest Poster wrote:
The problem is not ripping it off if you want to write Post Hanako good end fanfictions of your own.
Just for the record...it's not ripping off if you ask and get permission, which the author did. I guess Yumi making her way to other fics is mostly because there weren't many fics that explored Hanako's therapist. Heck, before Sisterhood lots of people probably imagined Hanako's therapist to look like Gendo Ikari, due to some pictures on the Shimmie.

Personally, I don't care about intra-fic consistency. It's too much of a bother and I'd risk getting control-freaky with other people's stories. When I told the author he/she could use the character, my only condition was the character herself being written without inconsistencies with the way she was portrayed in Sisterhood. Any other stuff is free game.
True, it isn't ripping off if you get permission. Of course since Sisterhood established Yumi's charecter, it's the go to source for how she should be portrayed. Then again Yumi isn't the only thing that can influence you from Sisterhood.

Now that that's out of the way, I am very much looking forward to the next chapter Trivun. But don't worry I can patiantly wait for it.


Damn it's not the weekend yet is it?
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by Atario » Sat Mar 09, 2013 6:57 am

I'm very late to this party, but I still want to insert my two cents. (I guess we all have a little Misha in us, wahaha~, etc.)

The kudos:
  • This is fascinating stuff, and thoroughgoing as hell
  • I like how we get to see Hanako's intelligence and hypervigilance in action. You would expect someone who always has her nose in a book to be smart, and you would expect someone who always listens but hardly talks to be a keen observer, and she is both in spades. It doesn't come across that way to others, unfortunately. "High cycles, low bandwidth."
  • The dawning realization after the line "They took me off suicide watch a long time ago." made my stomach sink
  • Experiencing Hanako's breakdown from inside her head was terrifying, even if, as someone pointed out, it was possibly mistargeted
The criticism:
  • The manner of Hanako's inner monologue feels really wrong. The girl in the canon is timid and fearful and self-loathing. In this, she comes off as the exact opposite — forceful and clear-eyed and even rather judgmental of others, but merely trapped in a body and psyche that won't coöperate. She never even begins to think the usual things someone like her would normally constantly run through her mind:
    • That was probably my fault.
    • This is exactly why no one likes me.
    • I'm so worthless.
    • I must be wrong.
    And so on. The self-doubt, the low self-esteem, and all that bad, unpleasant, deeply icky stuff.
  • She seems, like a lot of people in talking about Katawa Shoujo generally, to pull the White Knight card out way too easily. White Knighting is not merely being nice, or even being too nice. In real White Knighting:
    • Above all, the Knight must expect to be "paid back" for his rescue(s).
    • The Knight must make sure the Damsel knows he's defending her, else he won't get credit for it, therefore no "payment".
    • The Knight must jump in before the Damsel even has a chance to defend herself, or, failing that, way more forcefully than is needed (bonus points if both). Can't let a chance slip by!
    Lose any of these and you have something else, or at least much attenuated. In Hisao's case, I believe he's never guilty of the first two, and if he's ever guilty of the last, I'm not sure since I haven't exactly cataloged it, but nothing sticks out in my mind. Anyway, all he's ever really guilty of, in my opinion, is having too little faith in his heroine and/or getting tunnel vision about his efforts. (On a side note, the Knight/Damsel/"payment" paradigm need not be man/woman/ahem. People do this in, e.g., office-politics settings too — employee/HR/perks would be one.)
  • She uses the term "White Knight". That's about three notches too high on the Genre Savvy scale. You expect her to start calling Shizune a typical Tsundere and complaining that Yamaku is not a real Japanese name next.
Overall: Sweet work, man. Keep going.
Last edited by Atario on Sun Mar 17, 2013 4:37 am, edited 2 times in total.
NB: none of the above is a request

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by Trivun » Sun Mar 10, 2013 11:44 am

Atario wrote:I'm very late to this party, but I still want to insert my two cents. (I guess we all have a little Misha in us, wahaha~, etc.)

The kudos:
  • This is fascinating stuff, and thoroughgoing as hell
  • I like how we get to see Hanako's intelligence and hypervigilance in action. You would expect someone who always has her nose in a book to be smart, and you would expect someone who always listens but hardly talks to be a keen observer, and she is both in spades. It doesn't come across that way to others, unfortunately. "High cycles, low bandwidth."
  • The dawning realization after the line "They took me off suicide watch a long time ago." made my stomach sink
  • Experiencing Hanako's breakdown from inside her head was terrifying, even if, as someone pointed out, it was possibly mistargeted
The criticism:
  • The manner of Hanako's inner monologue feels really wrong. The girl in the canon is timid and fearful and self-loathing. In this, she comes off as the exact opposite — forceful and clear-eyed and even rather judgmental of others, but merely trapped in a body and psyche that won't coöperate. She never even begins to think the usual things someone like her would normally constantly run through her mind:
    • That was probably my fault.
    • This is exactly why no one likes me.
    • I'm so worthless.
    • I must be wrong.
    And so on. The self-doubt, the low self-esteem, and all that bad, unpleasant, deeply icky stuff.
  • She seems, like a lot of people in talking about Katawa Shoujo generally, to pull the White Knight card out way too easily. White Knighting is not merely being nice, or even being too nice. In real White Knighting:
    • Above all, the Knight must expect to be "paid back" for his rescue(s).
    • The Knight must make sure the Damsel knows he's defending her, else he won't get credit for it, therefore no "payment".
    • The Knight must jump in before the Damsel even has a chance to defend herself, or, failing that, way more forcefully than is needed (bonus points if both). Can't let a chance slip by!
    Lose any of these and you have something else, or at least much attenuated. In Nisao's case, I believe he's never guilty of the first two, and if he's ever guilty of the last, I'm not sure since I haven't exactly cataloged it, but nothing sticks out in my mind. Anyway, all he's ever really guilty of, in my opinion, is having too little faith in his heroine and/or getting tunnel vision about his efforts. (On a side note, the Knight/Damsel/"payment" paradigm need not be man/woman/ahem. People do this in, e.g., office-politics settings too — employee/HR/perks would be one.)
  • She uses the term "White Knight". That's about three notches too high on the Genre Savvy scale. You expect her to start calling Shizune a typical Tsundere and complaining that Yamaku is not a real Japanese name next.
Overall: Sweet work, man. Keep going.
First, thank you for the critique! I actually had a long reply written but then my battery died and I lost the whole message, so apologies if this is a bit shorter than it would have been. Regarding your positive feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed it so far, and I'm happy that you seem to be happy with the way I've written Hanako, particularly her intelligence. Regarding the breakdown, as I've said before it was a very tough sequence for me to write, having to imagine exactly how she felt at that point, and I'm happy that it turned out well as a narrative tool in the end.

Regarding your criticism, again I thank you for providing both positive and negative feedback, it does help me as a writer in the long run. I agree with your thoughts on the whole 'white knight' thing, and I aim to try and tone down that idea in the future, but then again we do have to remember that this is all how Hanako sees the situation, not necessarily how the situation is really playing out. Hanako is so unuse to anyone except Lilly being there for her and doing anything for her that it would make sense for her to worry about ulterior (if non-existent) motives. That being said, I do have some (flimsy xD) justification for Hanako using the term herself - she's a chess fanatic, so it makes sense for her to use a chess term to describe the situation, even if it's not an exact fit. That makes sense, right? I'm not just making stuff up in a vain attempt at defending that choice, am I?

On a slightly more serious note though, the whole manner of her monologue is something that I do want to defend, even though I do agree to some extent with your opinion here. The thing is, the whole point of Hanako's arc is showing that ultimately she is a strong and independant person, and that her strength is hidden by that exterior. With that in mind I felt that having her always be thinking about her own weaknesses and always being an "everything's my fault, I'm so worthless" type of person wouldn't fit with that strength she shows herself to have in the end. I'm not saying she never feels that way, but when she does it's usually when she's in a very dark place anyway - her breakdown, for instance, or around her birthday. That's why I wrote her the way I did. I will admit that I haven't explored that side of her anywhere near enough during the breakdown scene at the moment, and that's something I'll address later today when I continue with the next chapter, but the previous chapter aside I've simply written Hanako as I feel befits that strength. Bear in mind as well that 'canon' Hanako is only ever seen from Hisao's point of view, and for all we know he could be an unreliable narrator, wanting Hanako to be weaker than she really is to justify his own behaviour towards and around her. Then again, that's delving too deeply into Hisao's mind, and supposing too much, which isn't something I want to be doing in Hanako's Story.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by Trivun » Sun Mar 10, 2013 3:54 pm

Hey all! This is a shorter chapter for the latest update, apologies for the length of time. I did have an idea to have a drawn out discussion between Hanako and Miss Yumi and the Nurse, but unfortunately it didn't really fit when I planned out the chapter and was ultimately cut. I just feel that Hanako wouldn't want to talk about the situation with anyone given how withdrawn she is even around her friends. Hence the much shorter chapter this time, and the shortest to date. Note the rest of the story will be of decent length, of course, but sometimes for the sake of quality, sacrifices must be made...

Act 3 – Chapter Four: Flanking

I don't feel any better when I return to my room. As soon as I arrived at the infirmary a message was sent to Miss Yumi, and she arrived not long after Hisao left. Maybe they even passed each other in the corridor, I don't know. Two worlds colliding? In any case, she sat with me for a few hours, gently coaxing me out of my catatonic state while the Nurse watched. She even brought a Go set along, though by the time I felt fit enough to play we had nothing to say to each other. I don't want to talk about this morning.

Now I'm lying on my side in my room, all alone. The door is unlocked but I don't have the strength to get up and lock it. My eyes are closed so tight not a single teardrop can escape. I just want to be left here by myself, but blessed solitude is a hard won gift here.

"Hello, Hanako." Lilly's voice rings through my ears, while next to her I can just about hear someone else putting something down. I can guess who it is, and Lilly's next words confirm it. "Hisao told me about what happened today... are you alright?"

I should think the answer would be obvious, but I can't bring myself to say it to her. My eyes open just a little as I reply. "I... I'm okay..." As I turn my head slightly I see the frown on Hisao's face, quickly masked by a deliberately neutral expression. Can he not bear letting me see his concern? I can't understand why. It's not as if I'm any good to him, nor Lilly. Not worth worrying about. "S-sorry... f-for making you w-worry." R-really... I'm f-fine now..."

I close my eyes again and listen to Hisao's response. "I said it before, right? You don't need to be sorry for this." There wasn't a need for this in the first place. No need for you to bother with helping me.

"Hisao's right. We... I... shouldn't have hidden something like a birthday celebration from you." Please don't say it. I shiver a touch and shy away from the words. There's no point, Lilly.

She crouches and brings her head closer to mine. "I'm the one who should be sorry, Hanako." No. Don't say that, don't you dare. Why even waste your time with me?

I stare at her, the way I hate others doing so to me. The irony isn't lost on me but right now I don't care. I can't help but be amazed that after all this they still care about me. They're fools for doing so, but at least I have someone here now. It won't help me but at least I have someone to miss me. I find the strength to pull myself up and twist my body around, bringing myself slowly into a sitting position.

Next to me, Lilly feels the movement on my mattress and sits down, taking my left hand in hers as she sits on my right.

"Lilly," Hisao says, "if you want me to go..."

I don't. For once I have people here for me. I still feel conflicted but between not deserving help right now and still wanting it, I don't want Hisao to leave. "I don't... want that..." I manage to say. I glance up briefly to see their reactions, and am met with faces filled with surprise. Hisao mumbles "Okay..." and sits at the desk.

I look back at Lilly, her blank eyes resting on me, as close to seeing me as she can get, and I know something is wrong. Why else would they be here, making so much effort to comfort me? All I want is to be alone, and yet I wanted Hisao here. Why? It makes no sense even to me. My thoughts are disjointed, my feelings all over the place but always converging on a single point. My loss, and my tragedy.

My fears are confirmed when Lilly next speaks. "Hanako, I'm afraid I have some bad news." She pauses and my face falls. "My aunt has fallen ill, so I need to return to my family for a time."

She's leaving? "Your... family... You mean in Scotland, right?" She has to go to Scotland? She won't be here... I'll have no-one but Hisao. Which is about as useful as having them both, really. I'd only be pushing them both away again for the next few weeks anyway.

"That's right. Akira and I will be leaving Saturday."

"S-so you're going away?" I don't want her to leave, and yet it's better for me if she does. She won't be knocking on my door each day filled with useless worry that I'm not worthy of. My mind is torn and I can't say or do a single thing to show it.

"I won't be gone for long. Probably only a week or two. I'll be back before you know it, and Hisao will be here, right?" I don't want him here, that's the problem. He's wasting his time on me and I'm a fool for thinking anything could come of it. I'm not worth his time in the first place.

"That's right, I'm not going anywhere." Such a fool...

"I-is your aunt going to be alright?" No reason I can't show concern for others, people who should probably get it more than me.

"I'm not sure," comes Lilly's response. I can't help but feel just a tiny bit better for the distraction in my mind, something else for me to hold onto as a barrier against the demons in the dark. It only makes me feel more guilty, though, but in a different way. We all stay silent for a few moments, before the quiet is broken by Hisao.

"Anyway, we were thinking that it would be a good idea to have a going-away party for Lilly, and it could double as... yeah..."

Don't say it. Don't send me back into that state. Don't break me yet again, please, Hisao. After all you've done for me, no matter how stupidly, I don't want you to be so cruel.

I'm saved as he cuts himself off. Not a mention made, but we all know what he means. Lilly replies as she squeezes my hand ever so gently. "Is it alright by you, Hanako? It won't be anything lavish or overdone, just something small in my room."

If it's so small, I might be able to do something. I might just be able to manage it. "S-so just in the school? Just us?"

"That's right," she confirms, "just the three of us. If you like, I could ask Akira to come as well."

"O...kay. Y-you're only going for a week?" Akira might help, if this proves a distraction as I hope it does.

"One week or two, yes. I promise you it won't be any longer."

"O-okay..." So she won't be here for my actual... Will she tell Hisao what to expect? The best thing he can do, for himself and for me, will be to leave me alone then. To not even try being there for me. There's no point. There's no point...

"All right then," he cuts in. "You look like you need a rest, Hanako, so it might be best if we all went back to our rooms for now."

That might be best, yes. With this visit my mind is as exhausted as my body and I just want to sleep. Maybe I'll be lucky and the nightmares won't come. I still don't see why they're wasting their time with me, but I'm not ungrateful for it. "You know that if you ever want anything, you can always talk to me or Hisao, right?" If I deserve it, Lilly, then yes, I know. It's a big if, though.

"I... understand. Thank you Lilly, Hisao."

"Well then, good night, Hanako." She gets up from the bed and starts to walk towards the door, Hisao following close behind.

"Night..." They close the door behind them and my head flops down onto the pillow once more. I can hear muffled voices from the corridor outside, but I have no interest in eavesdropping. I just want to sleep. My eyes close again, but this time there are no more tears to fall. No tears to guard against. Despite my hopes, the nightmares come again.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by TARDISman85 » Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:39 pm

Terrific chapter, Trivun. I can't pretend that I've had even a quarter the amount of trauma that Hanako's had but I've had moments where my mental state goes somewhere similar to where hers is right now. That's probably why she's one of my favorite characters since I can somewhat identify with her. Anyways, again terrific chapter, I'm really looking forward to which ending you're going to use as your "canon" one, if memory serves the divergence is coming up soon, right?

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)

Post by Atario » Mon Mar 11, 2013 8:42 am

Trivun wrote:First, thank you for the critique!
Not a problem. I thought this much effort deserved at least that much!
Trivun wrote:Hanako is so unuse to anyone except Lilly being there for her and doing anything for her that it would make sense for her to worry about ulterior (if non-existent) motives.
True; but I think probably she wouldn't arrive at the idea that he's doing too much for her till much later in the narrative. At first, I imagine, it would merely be general suspicion (mixed with some trepidatious hope at someone taking a personal, non-official interest for a change), melting into some measure of trust, driven by attraction (and/or hormones, haha) — and then only once she's decided he's an important person in her life, and begun to open up to him in earnest, would she start to realize he's treating her with kid gloves, and that that might have been appropriate before, but is counterproductive in the new state of their relationship.
Trivun wrote:the whole point of Hanako's arc is showing that ultimately she is a strong and independant person, and that her strength is hidden by that exterior.
My feeling was that it's only because she's so strong that she's able to carry on through life despite being so down on herself.
Trivun wrote:Bear in mind as well that 'canon' Hanako is only ever seen from Hisao's point of view, and for all we know he could be an unreliable narrator
Also true, but I think we can take it as read that what he directly sees her say and do are at least accurate. Given those, she does seem like someone pretty beaten down by life.

At any rate, it's your story, so don't feel like you have to justify yourself to me; I'm just giving my reaction and you can take it as you will. Also remember that I'm enjoying it immensely!
NB: none of the above is a request

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by Negativedarke » Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:03 pm

I actually read this last night, but didn't comment. It was just so sad. And it's probably right on for what Hanako's mental state was like. A real heartbreaker. Sad as it is to say, sometimes when someones down, you can't help them out. You just have to let them be, and hope they will pass through it.

While I perfectly understand why you would cut the scene involving Ms. Yumi and the Nurse, I hope you kept it around. It's always interesting to see the deleted scenes in the extras.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:34 pm

Great story so far, probably the one I'm looking forward to updates the most.

Also, I personally can't wait till the birthday party scene. Drunk Hanako from Hanako's perspective should be great.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by Sedinus » Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:14 pm

AntonSlavik020 wrote:Great story so far, probably the one I'm looking forward to updates the most.

Also, I personally can't wait till the birthday party scene. Drunk Hanako from Hanako's perspective should be great.
I have to agree. I don't usually read fanfics, but this one is excellent.

Piss, this isn't technically a fanfic, is it? It's the same story told from a different perspective.

Birhday party written with gibberish... I'd love to see this.

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by Xaverius » Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:44 pm

This is excellent, can the author give us an idea of when the next update will be?

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by griffon8 » Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:39 pm

Xaverius wrote:This is excellent, can the author give us an idea of when the next update will be?
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Please, no requesting.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by pandaphil » Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:49 pm

You can't rush art guys. :)
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by Negativedarke » Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:58 pm

It'll be done when it's done. And on that glorious day, I will sit down with a mug of hot cocoa and read it.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 10/03/2013)

Post by Xaverius » Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:24 am

griffon8 wrote:
Xaverius wrote:This is excellent, can the author give us an idea of when the next update will be?
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Please, no requesting.
Oh, sorry. I'm a writer too, for another forums, and I wasn't aware that this one has rules agaisnt that, it's common place there. Won't do that again.

Still people being eager to read more from you is something I'd take as a compliment.

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