Searching for a Certain Someone

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demonix
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Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:20 pm

Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Sun Sep 09, 2012 5:44 pm

This story originally came around a few months ago after I read the ??? regarding Hanako being an orphan thread in the public discussion section, and though about writing a story where she did have some relatives of which one comes to Yamaku to find her.

However, I didn't have any idea on how to write the initial back story as to why they're only trying to find her now, so I put a hold on the story without writing anything.

It was only after watching the first episode of Bunny Drop that I decided to re-visit this particular story with more information on how I should write the back story, however I will be keeping some of the latter parts of the story I'd already thought of (I basically wrote that both Hanako's father and the main characters mother had a falling out with their parents (along with other parts of their family) and the main characters mother wasn't told about the death and when she was told, she was given incorrect information).

One other thing I hadn't considered was the main characters disability (I know it wouldn't be that vital, but I thought that it would prove to be a decent part of the story), so I decided to use something my father has with a few changes to add to the main characters back story (most of the medication information is based on that, but I'm not entirely sure about it so I'm leaving the medical information at a minimum).

This story was originally going to start after the festival based on the manly picnic ending, but I decided to have the story start at the beginning of the year with Hisao turning up when he does in the game with some changes from how things go in the game (but they'll be minor) I've already made a mess out of the seating arrangements, but I decided to keep the change I'd made in since I've moved one of the students to another class.

A few other things I want to add before doing the old copy and paste is that this story won't be getting the more frequent updates of my other stories (this will be something that I'll be working on if I'm suffering from writers block on my other stories), and this won't be some he finds her, she's happy about it and they all live happily ever after as I'll be taking this story down a path that I wouldn't think of doing.

And here comes the first chapter.

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The First Day

"You're not here just to complete your education, you're also here to find the person who was abandoned by the rest of my family".

Even though my mother said those words about ten minutes ago as she walked out of my room, they're still ringing in my ears.
I'm here to go through my final year at high school in a more suitable environment, but I'm also here to find someone I knew in my childhood, a person I hadn't had contact with for around twelve years and who we thought had died around ten years ago, only to find out at the beginning of this year that she is still alive and was going to school here.

Needless to say, my mother was really pissed when she found out two years ago that her younger brother had been killed in a house fire, and she severely blew a gasket when she found out that his only daughter was still alive and that she'd had no say in her future when they (as she put it) abandoned her in an orphanage.
Not that they would've told her since she fell out with most of her family when I was a year old, at least that is what I was told.
The only person who did keep in contact was her younger brother who had also fallen out with the rest of the family, but for a completely different reason from why my mother fell out with them.
All that I had been told was that he was the black sheep of the family, but my mother was surprised when he visited with his wife and daughter.
It did come out of the blue, but at the time there was more concern for my health as I was born with a malformed pancreas or something along those lines.

What it meant was that I could be at risk of developing diabetes in later life, but that visit from her brother helped ease things a bit.
I wasn't that aware about most of my own health problems at the time, since I spent most of the time during that first visit with their daughter who I ended up referring to as big sister because she was born seven days before I was.
He didn't seem to be too surprised about the response from their family when they found out about my impending medical problems, but they did decide to remain in contact.

After that, they came to visit at least three times a year with one of those visits lasting for over a week as it covered both our birthdays.
Things did go bad a month before my sixth birthday as I was caught with my head in a sink whilst drinking as much water as I could alongside my going to the toilet on an almost hourly basis, and they sent me to the hospital which confirmed what they thought the problem was, even though they only had two symptoms to get a diagnosis from.
Type 2 diabetes. Something that wouldn't normally affect a child as young as I was, but because of my problem pancreas, it was more likely to happen.
One thing that they did know was that it end up getting worse if my pancreas did stop working completely, but everyone decided to cross that bridge if we arrived at it.
That birthday week was a bit strained because of the girl who wondered why we couldn't have any sweet things since she didn't know about my recent diagnosis.

We didn't see them after that and my mother put it down to them having a major upheaval, but it wasn't until I started highschool as she was told that they did move and that their house burned down killing all of them.
Neither of us were in much of a state to confirm if that information was correct, even my father said that we should move on.
Maybe that was what my own problems to get worse, at least that is what my mother said when we found out from another family member that the girl was still alive.
It was the day after golden week and I started to feel a bit tired around second period.
What happened after that was a blur, and the next thing I remembered was waking up in hospital with the news that my pancreas had stopped working.
All that meant was that my usual medication now included an injection, but with the occasional problems getting access to my medications, I ended up in the hospital a few more times after that and when I had my last trip to the hospital at the beginning of the year, my parents decided that I should go to a school where I could still get the education I needed whilst keeping my condition under better control.
Which is what led me to be starting my third year at Yamaku academy, but I was also here because my mother found out (and I certainly didn't want to ask how she found out) that the girl was attending school here and that I should find her to tell her that she still had family that she could rely on.
“Easier said then done”, I said to myself as I went to look at my watch “I've got to find her first, and...”
I was stopped in my tracks as I looked at my watch, since I'd spent so much time thinking about the past that I had just enough time to get myself ready and head to class.
Once thing that I was planning to do before I headed to class was to check in with the head nurse, but I really didn't want to be tardy on my first day so I'll leave that until after classes have ended.
With all that sorted in my head and while trying not to rush, I started to get changed into my uniform and once that had been done I checked through everything that was in my bag.

School books... check.
Pens and pencils... check.
Drink and chocolate bar in case my blood sugar level drops without warning... check.
Small sharps bin for needles and other sharps... check.
Second small bin for any medical waste... check.
Equipment for testing my blood sugar levels... check.
Tablets that I've got to take when I eat... check.
Needles for the injection pen... check.

“Just one more thing to add”, I said to myself as I walked towards the fridge that was in my room.
It wasn't put in here to store food, it was here to store a vital piece of my medication that had to be kept cold until it was needed, and even then you could only use it for thirty days before it had to be thrown away.
Once I'd taken the first injection pen of many that I'd be going through whilst I was here out of the fridge, then out of the box it was in and then into my bag, I checked my watch again to make sure I hadn't taken too much time to get ready.
I'd just gotten everything done with time to spare.
Before I departed the room, I picked up the sheet of paper that was on the desk ever since I entered it.
It was just a sheet of paper with what looked like a classroom diagram drawn onto it, and in one of the squares that seemed to represent desks there was a circle drawn which might mean that is to be my desk.
Seeing nothing else that demanded my attention, I folded the sheet of paper and placed it in my bag and left the room.

As I walked through the grounds to the school building, my mind went back to the other task that I had to deal with.
Since my own memory of the girl is rather vague, and the photos I'd been provided would likely not help much since there's likely to have been a lot of change, it's likely that I'll be looking for a very small needle in this school shaped haystack.
That is if the information from my mother was correct, otherwise this school shaped haystack would be needle free.
I managed to get through all those thoughts as I approached the school building.
Once I was inside the building, I re-adjusted my glasses and headed for the staircase.
When I reached the third floor, I walked along the corridor checking each of the doors along the way, until I came to a halt near the door to the classroom that was indicated to be the one for year three class three.
Before I decided to walk in, I pulled the sheet of paper out of my bag.
A majority of the detail in the diagram was focused on the room itself instead of the actual desk layout, but it gave me enough information to tell me that the desk that I'd be sitting at is at the back of the classroom and there's two more desks between it and the windows.
Committing that information to memory, I walked into the classroom to find my other task would be substantially harder since a majority of the students in the class are female, and if it's the same for the other classes then this haystack is going to be even harder to look through.
My entrance into the classroom didn't go unnoticed as most of the conversations that were going on ground to a halt as the focus of those who were talking went to me.
It was mostly expected that this would happen, since it would have been more likely for me to walk in alongside the homeroom teacher.
Not wanting to be the centre of attention before I should be, I decided to take my seat, and after counting in from the first desk next to the window, the third desk in was, as expected, unoccupied.
When I looked around after taking my seat, I was glad that I wasn't the meat in a girl sandwich like I was in my old school as the desk to my left is occupied by a rather large male, and the desk to my right being occupied by a timid dark haired girl.
I'm not sure if timid was the best way to describe her, since she covered her face with her hands the moment she noticed me looking at her.

The sound of the bells chiming in the start of the first lesson helped me put my focus back to the front of the classroom as we waited for the teacher to arrive... and waited... and waited some more.
Ten minutes after the bell rang the door opened and a tall man with bad posture and a tired look etched onto his face walked in.
This guy has broken all records in my book with regards to teacher tardiness, even on the first day of the new school year.
“I see that everyone is here”, the teacher said after he'd scanned the classroom “Sakai, do you want to introduce yourself?”
“Sure”, I said before I stood up and headed to the front of the class.
I tried to keep calm as I wrote my name on the board, but I hesitated for a second before I turned around and started my introduction.

I think I did well with that since a few of the girls are talking amongst themselves, but I did manage to get a slightly better look at the girl who sits to my right before she went back under the covers again.
Once the teacher gave me a silent confirmation, I returned to my seat so the first class could start.
Science was never my strongest subject, so whilst the teacher was rambling on at the front of the classroom, I decided to begin my other task by comparing the girls in this class with the rather vague memories of that girl in my head.
I could eliminate all bar one of the girls in the front row, since the one sitting near the window wasn't even close, it was the same with stumpy and sleepy while the girl to the stumped girls right came the closest to what little I could remember.
It was the same for the second row as the girl with the pink coloured, drill styled hair along with the glasses wearing girl next to her were eliminated straight away, with the girl nearer the wall coming close.
The third row seemed to be a bit more promising, even though there was a three girl elimination straight away while the girl that sits to my right coming the closest, but I couldn't be that sure since I only saw a bit of her face and I wasn't able to see what that hairstyle was covering.
If I thought about it logically, I could eliminate all except one of the girls in this class because a fire that can claim a life would leave some scars on any victim that came out of it alive, and since I didn't get a good look at the girl that sits to my right, she's the only one I could keep in the running until I could get any further confirmation about what's hiding under the hair that covers the right side of her face.
I was broken out of my thinking session by someone walking, and when I looked to my right the desk was now unoccupied while I heard the person who used to sit there leave the classroom.
It took me a bit by surprise since even the teacher didn't challenge her, but everyone would have their reasons for being here, and what I'd just witnessed might be part of her problems.
She never returned, and I returned my focus back to what the teacher was saying.

As the bell rang to signal the start of the lunch break, the teacher fired a shot into us by saying that there would be a test in the next few days which was greeted by a groan from most of the students.
There wasn't anywhere I thought I could go to eat since I didn't know much about this place, but as I got to my feet, I was swamped by most of the girls in the class.
This wasn't something I wanted to happen, but at least not all of the girls decided to swarm around me since the two that were seated in front of me weren't even interested and the girl who sits to the right of stumpy was still sitting at her desk.
“I'm sorry”, I said “I have to get something to eat”.
“Wahahaha~”, a loud voice echoes through the classroom “you lot will have your chance soon, but for now, he's ours”.
The sea of girls moved to the front of the class to reveal the source of the loud noise.
The pink haired girl was standing there grinning like the cat bus, while her darker haired compatriot looked a lot more composed and serious.
"As the representative for this class", the pink haired girl said "it's my duty to make sure any new students in the class know their way around".
"The only thing I need to do is to get something to eat", I said "there's some medications I have to take, and I have to take them just before I eat".
I ended up lowering the tone in my voice a bit when I mentioned the medications, but instead of an immediate response, they started with an exchange of gestures before talking again.
"Then we'll head for the cafeteria", the pink haired girl said "we can take a brief tour on our way there".
Keeping the talking to a minimum this time, I just nodded in response.
"So~, lets get going”, the pink haired girl said as she and the other girl started walking out of the classroom.

The tour as we headed down to the cafeteria was just the pink haired girl telling me what was on what floor as we walked to what I thought was the lowest floor in this building.
My impression of the pink haired girl actually being the class representative lowered greatly as she announced that we'd entered the cafeteria as loudly as she could.
Since she had to converse with her 'friend' before responding, I'd have to guess that the more silent of the two would be more likely to have filled that position.
After another exchange of words, and gestures, we headed for the counter where I picked something that was more suited to my needs.
"That's just boringly bland", the pink haired girl exclaimed "you should get something that's a lot more sweeter".
"I can't do that", I said "something that's too sweet could cause problems".
There didn't seem to be anything that I could call sweeter apart for the stuff that wasn't made with diabetics in mind, or at least didn't have what would be that much sugar in it.
There wasn't any further conversation as we headed for our seats, but there might have been some shocks when I pulled out the injection pen along with a needle and set everything up, primed the injection system and injected myself with a small amount of the liquid.
“Couldn't you have done that elsewhere”, the pink haired girl asked.
“Not really”, I said as I took the tablets I needed to take “it has to be done just before eating, so doing that before coming here might cause some problems”.
I put the re-covered needle along with the other waste into their respective bins, then placed the cover back onto the injection pen and started on my food.
"So~, how long have you had that problem", the pink haired girl asked.
"A while", I said keeping information about my condition to a minimum.
"Wahahaha~", the pink haired girl laughs loudly "I was asking about the girl group as lunch started?"
"I was pretty much a girl magnet at my old school", I said "I didn't think that it would follow me here".
"Considering your looks, I wouldn't be surprised", the pink haired girl said "there were a few girls in that group I didn't expect to be there".
Those words came with a look I'd seen several times before, but it went away after the other girl gave her a quick shove followed by a flurry of gestures.
"You shouldn't get so doe-eyed, Misha", the pink haired girl said "oh wait, I'm Misha".
At least I know that the quieter of the two is likely to be deaf, and it's probable that Misha has stepped on this landmine before since she seems to translate everything signed to her by the other girl.
I was suddenly surprised by a pad that had been placed near me, and I wasn't sure where it had come from until I read what was written on the exposed page.
I didn't expect Misha to act like that so soon, and I'm Shizune the class representative just so you know.
It's good that I now know the names of my two eating companion's (that is if the name of the pink haired girl is correct), and I quickly wrote a response before handing it back and getting back to my food.
Not much else happened after that, but there was enough time for an extremely brief tour of the first floor covering a few of the rooms, including the one used by the student council.
Now I'm wondering why they showed me that room, but as class representative, it would be likely that they've been in this room many times before, unless...
I pushed that thought to the back of my mind as Misha crashed back into the classroom with all the grace and elegance of a herd of rhino.

The rest of the day went on as normal, but I wasn't able to focus fully on what was happening as I kept on glancing at the empty desk to my right.
This was something that I hadn't experienced before, but I'd have to adjust to it quickly since other desks may end up being empty for one reason or another.
A wave or relief crashed down over me as the bell signalling the end of the school day finally rang.
Remembering that I had to check in with the nurse, I packed my stuff away to leave the classroom, but I got stopped in my tracks by two more familiar people.
“Going anywhere interesting”, Misha asked.
“Just to the head nurses office”, I said “I need to check in and have my first check up”.
"That's in the auxiliary building, right~", Misha said "we're going near there, so~ we can make sure you get there".
Deciding not to argue the toss, I didn't take the matter further since where they were heading went past where I was going.
Our route went via the second and the rest of the third floor, so that I wouldn't get lost and that I knew which rooms were where some of the clubs convened plus where the library was located.
Once we'd reached the point where we had to part ways, I was told where the head nurses office was located before we parted ways.
They did manage to give me good directions since I got to the head nurses office without getting lost, and without hesitating, I knocked on the door and entered when I think I was told to.

"I'm Seiji Sakai", I said as I walked into the office "I'm here for my first check-up".
The man sitting at the desk suddenly started grinning when I said that.
"I just looked through your records a little while ago, so it's lucky that you didn't turn up in the morning", the nurse said as he retrieved a folder from a pile of similar folders and looked at it "just type two diabetes".
"Type one", I said "I'm surprised that my records haven't been updated to reflect that, but my medication list should reflect the change".
The nurse looked through everything that was in the folder before speaking again.
"It does state that you started injections about two years ago", the nurse said "I should get that updated, but for now lets get on with this check-up".
The check-up pretty much covered things I had to go through before, but once everything was done with I left the office and headed back to my room.

It was calming being back in my room, but the quiet was broken by something I failed to take with me before I left this morning.
Not wanting to keep my mother waiting (since she would be the only one who would be calling), I retrieved my phone from where I'd left it and answered it.
"Have you found her yet", my mother asked before I could say anything.
"It's not even been one day", I said "I wouldn't be able to find one person with outdated information".
"Considering your reputation for getting girls to gather around you", my mother said "I thought that she'd be hanging off you without either of you knowing who the other is".
I always had girls gathering around me and here I am looking for a girl, just how ironic is this.
"It's not like I'm getting one hundred percent success", I said "there's a few that don't seem to be that interested".
"Do you have any good leads", my mother asked "you should have looked at the girls in your class to get enough to make a comparison".
"Maybe", I said "there's one girl that might be a match, but I haven't been able to get a good opinion of her since she left the classroom about an hour after classes started and never came back".
"You could try doing a sketch", my mother said "it might be enough to give you something to go on".
"If it does", I said "I've got to go since I need to have something to eat".
"I know how important that is", my mother said "so I'll let you go".
"Just don't call up everyday for status reports", I said "this isn't something that'll be done in such a short time".
We quickly said our goodbyes and ended the call as I looked over at my sketchbook.
It might be a good idea to do a sketch since it might help, but then it might not since doing an age progression sketch with photos that are from about twelve ago as I might mess things up.
Regardless, what I need to focus on is heading for the cafeteria to get something to eat.

Bacon
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:53 pm

Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Bacon » Mon Sep 10, 2012 10:02 pm

interesting story

User avatar
demonix
Posts: 356
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:20 pm

Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Tue Sep 18, 2012 4:36 pm

It's been just over a week after I posted the first chapter, and I've only had one reply with none from the usual suspects.

I've either gotten the hang of things, or those who usually comment on my stories have given up on me.

Regardless, here's the second chapter (and just to make everyone aware that if I do suffer writers block on one or more of my other stories, the work on one chapter of this story will take priority until it's completed).

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The Sketch

A loud beeping breaks me from my slumber.
This isn't the usual way that I wake up, since my normal alarm clock has four legs, a tail, a thick coat of fur and could drool for Japan.
It was the lesser of two evils having Yosuke come into my room in the morning and slobber all over my face to wake me up, because if I closed my bedroom door he'd bark the house down in the morning until I opened the door.
Not having to deal with a barking dog, or having the aforementioned dog slobbering me in the morning felt like a more relaxing way to start the day.
I switched off the alarm clock, but I remained in bed for a little while longer and then got out of bed to start my morning routine.
Changing into this uniform still felt a bit alien to me since it was only my second day here, but it shouldn't take me that long to adapt to the uniform as well as this school.
Once I'd gotten myself sorted out, I grabbed my bag and headed out with my first stop being the cafeteria for some breakfast.

The classroom was relatively empty when I arrived there, but it was still early so most would either be just waking up or still eating breakfast in the cafeteria or their rooms.
As time passed, the rest of me classmates started to file into the classroom, but one person didn't turn up even after the bell rang.
It struck me as being a bit weird, but after seeing her walk out without anyone taking notice it didn't hit me as badly as I thought it would.
This teacher did turn up on time, and about twenty minutes later the one remaining student turned up, her entrance once again going unnoticed by the teacher and the other students.
I decided to put it to the back of my mind and went back to what was on the board.
Lunch came around, and I was stuck with a decision to either eat in the cafeteria or to get my food from the cafeteria and eat somewhere else.
The other decision I had to make was if I would be eating alone, or not eating alone.
Shizune and Misha were 'discussing' something and hadn't paid much attention to me at this moment, most of the other people in the classroom were already making their own lunch plans and I didn't think the girl who sits to my right would be a willing lunch partner considering what she'd done over the past twenty-four plus hours.
While I was still contemplating what I was going to do another girl walked into the classroom, and once that happened, I decided to go with the eating alone and not in the cafeteria option.

Picking what I wanted didn't take that long since the cafeteria wasn't that full, and I stepped outside to find myself somewhere to eat.
It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be since every place I went was occupied, but I eventually found a quiet place near a tree.
This was likely to be the better option since there wasn't anyone around to see me stab myself in the abdomen with a needle.
I was a lot more relaxed here then I was in the cafeteria with the motor mouth of Yamaku and the silent wind, and it made the food a little more enjoyable even though it wasn't what you could call that edible in comparison with what my mother makes.
That reminded me that I would be expecting a delivery from home containing a stack of edible delights that I could eat without my blood sugar level going through the roof, but these deliveries would only consist of a part of what I needed and I had to source the rest.
Most of the time I spent eating was spent consumed in thought on where I could get my extra supplies, with the only port of call I could think of at that moment being the local town.
Once I'd finished my food, I returned the container to the cafeteria and headed back to the classroom with the sound of the bell ringing through my ears as I left the cafeteria.
As I arrived at the main door to the classroom, I noticed a familiar dark haired girl standing near the back door.
I managed to get a better look at her before she hid her face and walked into the classroom through the back door, while I went through the main door to be greeted by a full classroom and no teacher.
However, Shizune and Misha didn't look too pleased when I walked in most likely because I went to lunch on my own.
The teacher arrived a minute after I took my seat, and the first lesson of the afternoon started.

Between all the scientific jargon, English word and mathematical equations, my mind kept going back to that brief encounter I had in the corridor.
Even though I wasn't able to see all of her face because of the way she has her hair, I did have a feeling that she was the girl I was looking for but without talking to her it wouldn't be possible to get any further confirmation.
There was still the sketch to do, but even that might not bring me any closer to getting an answer if the resulting sketch didn't match anyone I'd seen up to this moment in time.
A few times I did notice that she was glancing in my direction for a few seconds before ducking back under her covers.
I decided to put this, like everything else that had come to me about this mysterious girl, to the back of my mind so I didn't get too distracted from the lessons.
The final bell brought the days lessons to an end, and as I looked around, I found that I'd put so much focus into what was going on that I didn't notice miss dark haired and mysterious leave the classroom.
Maybe it's because I'm becoming like everyone else in this class, not noticing her come and go.
As I packed my things away, I felt a rather dark aura which originated from Shizune and Misha with a majority of that aura emanating from Shizune.
"Just where did you go for lunch", Misha asked with her voice not replicating the divine fury of Shizune's hand movements "we were waiting for you, only to find that you'd already left".
"You seemed to be busy with your conversation", I said "so I decided to go on ahead and had my lunch outside since you didn't seem to be that accepting of my injecting myself".
Misha looked a bit sheepish as I said that, and Shizune seemed to calm down once she knew the reason why I'd headed to lunch alone.
"At least you decided to tell the truth instead of dodging the question", Misha said "there was something we wanted to talk to you about, and we want to discuss it as soon as possible".
"Maybe later", I said "there's something that I need to do. Something that's... personal".
They seemed to accept what I'd said, so I headed back to my room to start on what could be a major step forwards in my second reason for being here.

It wasn't a simple thing to start on as my phone rang a few minutes after I walked into my room.
"Calling up every day isn't going to make things move any faster", I said the second I answered the call.
"Haven't you done that sketch yet", my mother asked.
"I was about to start it before you called", I said.
"Tell me if it brings up any good leads", my mother said just before the call ended.
Putting my phone to one side and turning it off so that I wasn't distracted by it, I started to prepare everything I needed.
The first of those was my sketchbook which is brand new since I didn't want to reminisce about the recent past, and the second was that set of pictures from around twelve years ago.
I knew this was going to be difficult to do since most would depend on computers to do age progression, and I'm only going to depend on a few pictures and instinct.
With little coming to me to begin with, I studied the photos for a few minutes and started by drawing an outline as well as the Yamaku girls uniform.
After another round of studying the photos, I started on the face constantly going back to the photos as I got to each feature.
Once I felt like I'd done as much as I could do, I looked at what I'd done and got a shock from what I'd seen.
If you took out the different hairstyle and whatever was underneath the hair that covered her face, the resulting picture looked exactly like the mysterious dark haired girl who sits to my right.
I immediately closed the sketchbook and put it away along with the photos since I suspected that I'd let the image of this girl slip back into my mind as I was sketching.
Noting that I'd been on this task for at least an hour, I collected my bag and headed for the cafeteria.

That was the most unappetising thing I've ever eaten.
I had something different yesterday, but since that wasn't available I had to pick something else.
Making sure I had everything that I'd brought with me, I headed back upstairs and out of the school building.
As I opened the door to the school building, I noticed a seemingly familiar dark haired person walking away from the building.
Not putting to much into what was happening to the front of my mind, I left the school building keeping a reasonable distance between me and the dark haired figure who is probably heading in the same direction that I was heading in.
Whoever it was must've heard my footsteps as the person turned around, and the moment our eyes met a sudden gust of wind took us both by surprise.
Was this some kind of message. I wasn't really sure, but it did remind me of something I watched a few years ago.
The wind disappeared as quickly as it appeared, and I managed to get a look at the all to familiar person who is standing in front of me.
She seemed to be a bit more interested in me then she was after lunch as she looked at me intently, but it lasted all of around thirty seconds as she turned around and continued in the direction she was heading in at incredible speed.
This left me with more questions as to who she is and if she is the person I was looking for.
That sketch did seem to confirm that, but it could have been that I didn't totally clear my mind before I started the sketch and since she was part of what I was thinking about before I headed to my room and I ended up sketching her minus her unique hairstyle and whatever she was hiding behind it.
I shouldn't be thinking about this too much as everything will become clear in time.
As long as it does become clear.

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Silentcook » Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:03 pm

You suffer from slight walloftextitis. Either separate your sentences so that each stands as a complete paragraph, or have some of them be on the same line every now and then. Possibly both.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Sep 19, 2012 4:51 am

Well, so far it's okay.
You made your OC a girl magnet again, but I won't even complain about that anymore...

I wonder why he goes about finding his long lost relative in the most roundabout way imaginable. He could just go to someone (Mutou, Misha or any of his classmates) and ask them "Hey, I'm looking for a girl named Hanako Ikezawa. Do you know her?"
Instant success.
Or - since he already seems to suspect the right person - he could walk straight up to her and say "Hey, Are you Hanako? I'm Seiji, do you remember me?

Instead he does a sketch... I'm not even sure what that's supposed to be good for. If I understood correctly, he has a childhood photo of her and tries to extrapolate her looks from that? If he can do what only very specialized computer programs can do why does he even need a sketch? And since he already suspects Hanako, how is this sketch going to show anything but Hanako?
Maybe you meant the sketch thing to be something different, but if so, I didn't get it.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Wed Sep 19, 2012 6:55 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, so far it's okay.
You made your OC a girl magnet again, but I won't even complain about that anymore...

I wonder why he goes about finding his long lost relative in the most roundabout way imaginable. He could just go to someone (Mutou, Misha or any of his classmates) and ask them "Hey, I'm looking for a girl named Hanako Ikezawa. Do you know her?"
Instant success.
Or - since he already seems to suspect the right person - he could walk straight up to her and say "Hey, Are you Hanako? I'm Seiji, do you remember me?

Instead he does a sketch... I'm not even sure what that's supposed to be good for. If I understood correctly, he has a childhood photo of her and tries to extrapolate her looks from that? If he can do what only very specialized computer programs can do why does he even need a sketch? And since he already suspects Hanako, how is this sketch going to show anything but Hanako?
Maybe you meant the sketch thing to be something different, but if so, I didn't get it.
I actually did the girl magnet thing on purpose this time (he even admitted that it happened in his old school).

I didn't want the story to get resolved too soon which is why I went in this direction, plus the new guy asking questions about one of the other students might throw up questions as to why he's asking (I've also considered how Hanako would react in those kinds of situations as well).

The sketch was pretty much his way of getting a visual aid to assist him (he's good at art and such, but that's something that people reading this wouldn't know since I decided to omit the introduction since it can be rather generic and could end up being close to how it looks in the game even if I didn't use the same interests), but he believes that he'd messed things up because he thinks that his mind wasn't as clear as he thought it was.

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Silentcook » Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:39 pm

demonix wrote:-snip-
I'm frowning pretty hard.

Your having to separate reader knowledge from existing plot is already a fairly large failure; your not having an answer to a valid and fairly obvious question inside the plot pushes things into scrap-and-start-over territory.

I could have mentioned this earlier if I had paid more than cursory attention to the actual writing - a consequence of the unpleasant formatting. It really is bad enough to make me not want to read.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:59 am

...plus the new guy asking questions about one of the other students might throw up questions as to why he's asking...
"She's my cousin" should be an adequate answer to those questions...
And even if he doesn't want to divulge that information, there are plenty of innocuous ways of asking for her name.

Really, dumbing down your characters just so the story doesn't get resolved too fast is always a bad idea.
If a conflict can be resolved that easily, it should be written about in a one-shot - or you resolve it quickly and find other conflicts to follow up.
Having your readers headdesk all the time is not the way to go.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Thu Sep 20, 2012 5:25 pm

Silentcook wrote:Your having to separate reader knowledge from existing plot is already a fairly large failure; your not having an answer to a valid and fairly obvious question inside the plot pushes things into scrap-and-start-over territory.
If you'd read the complaints I'd gotten on my other stories when I did the introduction then the reason for excluding it (along with most of the characters interests except for the art part which was mentioned in the first chapter) would be clearer (and since some of his interests are the same as Hisao's which could bring more copying from the game complaints).
Mirage_GSM wrote:
...plus the new guy asking questions about one of the other students might throw up questions as to why he's asking...
"She's my cousin" should be an adequate answer to those questions...
And even if he doesn't want to divulge that information, there are plenty of innocuous ways of asking for her name.

Really, dumbing down your characters just so the story doesn't get resolved too fast is always a bad idea.
If a conflict can be resolved that easily, it should be written about in a one-shot - or you resolve it quickly and find other conflicts to follow up.
Having your readers headdesk all the time is not the way to go.
I think I should have made my thoughts on this part of the story a bit clearer (and more correct).
He's getting a grasp of things (like comparing his female classmates to what he remembers as well as doing the sketch) before going any further, although I was going to have the nurse query how they were related (or something like that) during his initial examination, but I decided not to put it in as I didn't want the examination scene to go on for too long.

Also trying to talk to Hanako straight out of the gates would likely end up with her running away, even if she'd had her suspicions as well.

Things will get clearer as the story goes on, but things won't go well when the truth does come out and the reason why this won't be resolved quickly is because Seiji will be prioritising school work over the search even though he'll get the biggest hint he'll ever need in the next chapter (he doesn't take things any further because of what he knows about her from when he first starting there and when the hint comes, instead he goes for the trust route which would take a bit longer).

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Silentcook » Thu Sep 20, 2012 6:35 pm

No, you misunderstand entirely, I'm sorry for not making myself clearer.

Point one, I'm not commenting on the lack of a full character bio or introduction: on the contrary, putting those in would be lazy writing, but they're not the issue here. I am commenting on how your having to spell things out for the readers out of the story means that you have failed at making your point within the plot.

Point two, it's only natural to not want your main conflict to get resolved too soon. However, there appears to be absolutely no reason why your whole hook (finding Hanako and telling her that she has family to rely on) couldn't be resolved more intelligently and more efficiently by having the Sakai family troop in, produce identification papers, and convey the message to Hanako one way or the other.

"Because I don't want them to" is not a valid answer to this. There could be many acceptable reasons for making a highschool boy behave like an infiltrator, but if you have thought of any, you're not letting the reader know at the start of the story. This requires too much suspension of disbelief to accept.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Fri Sep 21, 2012 6:45 pm

For your first point, I did mention his interest in art in chapter one, but in my opinion it was written rather subtly so I thought that it had to be made clearer (it something I'd have to improve when introducing his other interests).

You did make a valid point that I thought I'd covered completely in your second point, and after a bit of thinking, I believe that I've come up with a reason as to why they couldn't do it that way (it'll get added into the next chapter).

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Silentcook » Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:17 pm

The malaise of being too subtle, or I'd rather say of not having a sufficiently solid and prepared writing plan, is not limited to that one detail. Your saying that you are coming up with a reason now demonstrates it. After doing some review of your other works, it looks like you've been suffering from it for a long time too.

And "adding a reason you came up with to the next chapter" is not an answer either. By not informing your readers at the start of the story, you are letting two chapters of unexplained silliness stand. There is practically no way to deal with that without rethinking and editing the already-written parts.

Overall, I'd say you severely need to focus on doing things more carefully, instead of doing them following some sort of schedule. Then again, I don't think I've noticed you trying to improve, so I might be barking up the wrong tree here.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Sat Sep 22, 2012 4:48 pm

This story was supposed to have more thought put into it, but you've clearly stated that I didn't have every instance thought out.

However, the part of chapter one when it was known that Hanako was alive and was at Yamaku was minimally written since both of those pieces of information weren't found out at the same time (which was something I'd put into the story already), and since you've made that one thing I missed clear then all I have to do is expand on what happened after it was discovered that Hanako was still alive and integrate it into the next chapter, which is a good thing because of that hint that happens in that chapter.

I'm not going to start on it for a bit, so I've got enough time to make it work properly.

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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by Silentcook » Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:26 pm

...Good luck, because since there's a need to point out to you a plot hole large enough to drive a bus through and you still try to downplay its impact, I believe you will need it.
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Re: Searching for a Certain Someone

Post by demonix » Sun Sep 23, 2012 5:03 pm

I'm not trying to downplay the impact since I've been thinking about how to close it up using the gap in the story that I haven't fully told.

Once I'm done with it (that is if it's believable), the hole should be small enough for only the triple decker bus from the harry potter films to get through.

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