To Rise Again (Revised 10-4-12) WIP

WORDS WORDS WORDS
publicfigure
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:46 pm

To Rise Again (Revised 10-4-12) WIP

Post by publicfigure » Sat Sep 01, 2012 11:01 pm

This is how it ends, one little slip and splat! I should have never gone up to the roof with Kenji and just gone to the festival. Now there is nothing but darkness.

“It would help if you would open your eyes,” a far off voice says, “You look awfully silly just lying there with your eyes closed.”

…I AM NOT DEAD.

“I wouldn’t go that far, yet,” he continues, “but it would be nice to have this conversion with someone that has their eyes open.”

I open my eyes. I am in a forest and a man is sitting under a…what appears to be a canopy of stars. “Where am I if I am not dead? Who are you? Are you Death? What-“

“Slow down Hisao. One, I didn’t say you weren’t dead. I said you weren’t dead yet. As for this place, the best way I can describe it is the place is ‘the between’ were choices are made. I am the Caretaker.”

I watch the man get up, dust himself off, and start walking over towards me. I can’t describe him other than just a man, a non-descript man wearing non-descript clothes. “What do you take care of?”

“Souls, I take care of souls. I help them to either move on or go back,” his speaks with an odd voice. I just notice that it has a musical quality about it. ”Sometimes, a soul cannot decide to move on or go back to the life it has, hence, this place ‘the between’ where the choice is made.”

“You mean there is always choice? Did I have the choice when I first heart attack?”

“They are always full of questions,” the Caretaker mumbles to himself, “I will answer these questions, then we have to continue from this subject. There is not always a choice. Sometimes, there is no choice other than to move on. A person in a car accident,” there is a strange look in his eyes like there is a secret, “cannot go back if the body can no longer support it. Your first heart attack, while painful, wasn’t life threating at that time, but it did call my attention to you.”

“I am here to make a choice, to live or to die?”

“Yes. That tumble off the roof has damaged your body, but your Soul can return. It will be a challenge, but you have the strength to did it…well…with a little help from others. You can move on now, and you will find some measure of peace.”

“How long do I have to decide?”

“We are among heartbeats, however, those heartbeats are slowing down,” he looks over at me. I think he is looking at me. ”Come with me, I will show you someone that may help you decide. Do not dawdle because we have a limited amount time before your choice.”

I start walking with him and the landscape runs like a watercolor painting. The world is now a full of running colors and swirling of colors. We are in a room. There are no decorations. The world becomes muted. All the sound is muffle as if I was wearing earmuffs. “Shizune,” I whisper.

“Tell me what you see, Hisao,” his speak softly.

“It is Shizune,” I stare at her. I knew she was cute, but I never notice how beautiful she was when she is working on a project. It is her eyes. There is the competiveness that she showed me when we played Risk, but I didn’t notice how full life they were when she is this way. She is breath taking. “Why didn’t I notice it before?”

“That is part of it, but we are not here just for that. Look deeper, this is important.”
I look at Shizune. She starts to change before my eyes. She becomes array of colors and feelings; like an ocean that washes over me. Determination, friendship, and that aggressiveness that defines her, however, it is tinged with regret. There was a strong feeling of fear that overlaid those emotions. She afraid of something, I sense it, so terrible that it plagues her; it doesn’t keep her from moving forward

“Why is she so afraid?”

“Keep looking,” his eyes still are upon me.

She is afraid of being alone and having no future in her life! It must be terrifying for her to be deaf and thought of having no direction in her life in a world of silence. I know that feeling. I felt those feelings as the days passed in the hospital. One by one my friends left me alone, to be cast aside for more interesting things because my life stop.

“No, that is not the reason Hisao and you know it,” Caretaker reprimands me, “Life must continue for everyone. If you chose to go back, you must allow life to continue no matter what happens.”

“I am...or was…afraid to be different. To be known as the boy with the bad heart.”

“You are that only if you chose to be that, and what do you mean ‘was’? Have you made your choice?”

I look at him and back to Shizune. She faces her fears every day. Her competitive nature challenges that fear to hold her back, like in that game of Risk, Shizune has the winning moves. “I want her to know she never have to be afraid of having no direction. I want to…”

He puts his hand on my shoulder, “I know,” his words cause me to look at him. We are back in the forest again. He starts to stare at the stars. “It is time. You must make your choice now.”

“I want to go back,” I say after a moment’s thought, “I need to go back. I want…”

“I know Hiaso,” he says gently,” You will face more pain. You will have to find the strength to overcome it.” He reaches out and gently touches my shoulder,” I am not just talking about the psychical pain.”

“Will I remember this?” I am not sure if I want to, but I know I need to remember.

“Some, but it is time to go back now,” the Caretaker pushes me back softly. I feel like I am slowly floating down like a feather…

“WE GOT A HEARTBEAT! MOVE!” a voice shout, “Hang in there, Hisao!”

“Shizune, Don't be...”

“Don’t try to move,” it is the Nurse,” WHERE IS THAT MORPHINE?”

A voice calls out, “Here!”

The world goes dark again right after a flash of fireworks and a face staring at me. Shizune looking at me, challenging me, and I thought for a minute I swear I saw her with tears on her face.

I awaken to voices, “Three ribs broken, a Le Fort III fractures, and Clavicle Fractures. Heart appears to be reacting well to treatment...,” then silence again. I am aware of movement down a hallway. I cannot seem to open my eyes. I try to talk, but my thoughts cannot communicate with my mouth.

“He is all yours,” a man voice speaks above me.

“How has he been?” a woman’s voice over a speaker calls out.

“They are keeping him in a coma for the most part…poor kid. It is difficult to be messed up this bad, but he doesn’t even know his parents are dead.”

I want scream or cry out. My body doesn’t react. My mind is torturing me with images of my parents. They may have worked all the time, but they were always there when I needed them. I am alone. I have no one. HELP ME! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN! Darkness takes me again.

“…we have stopped the propanol six hours ago. He should start coming around soon. I am glad you could be here. I think a friendly voice would be best right now,” an unknown voice is talking to someone. My eyes try to open, but I still cannot lift my eyes lids. I think they are covered with something.

“W-who is there?” I croak out. My throat feels like dry as the beach my parents…DAMN.

“Hisao?” It is the Nurse from the school. “You’re awake, good. Here take a small sip of water; just small sips.”

The water slowly goes down. It feels like I have not had the thing to drink in weeks. Was it all a dream from the medicine?

“What happen?” I am confused with this new reality facing me.

“Well, you did your best impersonation of a Pachinko marble,” I can feel his grin, “You fell off the roof the school and decided to bounce around in one tree on the way down to the shrubs. You broke some ribs, your shoulder, and some bones in your face. You damaged your right eye…you will be blind in that eye now. Hiaso…your parents…”

“I-it wasn’t a dream then…they...they…are dead…aren’t they?” The words come out barely above a whisper.

“Yes. I am sorry, Hisao, “he speaks quietly.

I can feel his eyes on me. I will not cry. I say nothing for a while. “How did it happen?”

“Sigh…They were on their way to the hospital and a drunk driver hit their car. He was speeding and…sigh…they died at impact.”

“It’s my fault…if I had not gotten drunk and fell off the roof…it’s all my fault...I did-“

“No, Hisao,” he gently touches my shoulder, “You must not think that; never think that it is your fault.” I hear movement to my left. “I am going to give something to relax you. Your heart is fine right now, but I think you have had enough stress for right now. Get some rest. We will talk tomorrow.”

Darkness is welcome. I do not want feel anything more, no pain and no guilt. I drift in that void for hours…weeks…months. I do not want to wake up and face what I cause. They are gone because of me. I allow the darkness to take me fully into its embrace.

“Hisao, are you awake?” It is the Nurse again.

“Yes,” whisper to him.

I do not want to speak. I do not want to feel anything anymore…there is nothing to left to feel but being alone.

“We are going to remove some of the bandages from your head. Don't move your head,” he commands. I feel the scissors cutting the bandages around my face. I do not want to see the light. I just want the darkness. I feel the bandages fall away from my head as he gently lifts from the back. “I need to move the tape from your left eye it might hurt a little. We have to keep your right side of your face cover for now.”

Good. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to suffer for my crime. I feel the hair on my eye brows pull a little, but there is no pain. I curse his gentleness. “Okay. That wasn’t bad, was it? I want you to open your eye Hisao.”

I open my eye. The light pierces my eye. I am grateful the pain, but it goes away. I see that I am in a typical hospital room. Once again, I am hook up with wires on my chest to for my heart. I look around the room trying to get use the new perspective my eye gives me. I see cards and flowers. I am a class project again. “How long have I been here?”

“You have been in a coma for eight weeks,” he look at me for any reaction, ”We thought it best to let you mostly heal because of your condition.”

Of course, arrhythmia, we cause a lot of damage together hadn’t we? The Nurse speaking to me about therapy and how many people visited me.

I don’t listen until he touches me, “Are you okay? You need anything. Some books from the library?”

“I am fine. I don’t need anything. I am feeling tired right now,” l lie to him.

I would love nothing else to get lost in a book, but I don’t want to get lost. It isn’t right for me to enjoy life.

“Okay,” he gets up and heads to the door. He turns to me, “Hisao, I know this doesn’t help me, but these things happen. It will get better in time; even these injuries heal.” He turns the lights off and leaves.

Once again, I allow the darkness takes me.

The days pass, I start my therapy. It hurts at first. Muscles that haven’t been used for weeks give the pain I deserve. That soon passes after a few days of walking and stretching. After a week, I get a visitor, “Shizune?” I now speak in whispers.

Shizune walks into my room carrying a bag. She hands me a note.

[I brought your textbooks and homework assignments. I am sorry about your parents.] I look at the note. I can’t feel anything. I won’t allow it. I nod at her and turn to look out the window. She taps me on shoulder and hands me another note.

[Can I help?] I guess Misha isn’t allowed in my wing. Too loud, I guess or could be Nurse's order. I write back to her.

[I am fine. Thanks for asking.] I hand it back to her fully expecting her to leave, but she doesn’t. She hands another note to me.

[Liar!]

I look at note and then at her. She is standing there with her arms crossed with her typical glare. I throw the notepad across the room. “YOU DARE JUDGE ME? IAM NOT YOUR FLUNKY! I AM NOT YOUR SCIOPHANT THAT BOWS BEFORE YOU!” I am screaming at her before I could stop myself. I take a breath and walk over to pick up the notepad.

[Leave me alone.]

She reads it and looks at me. She shakes her head, is she telling me no or just dismissing some thought. She looks at me and slams a notepad on my table. She walks out the door. I look at the note on the table and at the door. It just has a simple message or a warning. I am not sure.

[I will see you tomorrow!]

“Why won’t you just leave it alone?” I asked an empty room.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Last edited by publicfigure on Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:22 am, edited 7 times in total.

User avatar
Eprlide
Posts: 58
Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:27 am

Re: Falling up

Post by Eprlide » Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:39 am

I think this works out best as a one shot. Other then that, this is well-written and the premise is good.
"That's the worst, I think. When a secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear." -Stephen King

My current fan-fic, Gazing from Different Eyes.

Screw math, learning my moon runes is more important!

User avatar
andros414
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:58 pm

Re: Falling up

Post by andros414 » Sun Sep 02, 2012 2:50 am

I kind of agree with the idea of leaving this as a one-shot. I remember reading another fic on here that also took place after the Manly Picnic, with Hisao waking in the hospital and Misha by his side, telling him about how the other girls were reacting to hearing about his fall off the roof. This seems like it'd be a good prequel to that.

Of course, if you continued, it'd probably be in a different direction.
Shizune > Emi = Hanako > Lilly > Rin

User avatar
OtakuNinja
Posts: 1417
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2012 10:42 pm
Location: Sweden
Contact:

Re: Falling up

Post by OtakuNinja » Sun Sep 02, 2012 7:15 am

I think you should continue with this, if you think it'll be good. Those who want it to be a one-shot don't have to read the continuation. :)

Also, can you please edit the post? You spelled Hisao wrong all the time. :lol:
Last edited by OtakuNinja on Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
Image
Emibro, Hanabro, [Lilly Lover], Rin Kin, Feminist, Two-timer

User avatar
Tormound
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2012 7:30 pm

Re: Falling up

Post by Tormound » Sun Sep 02, 2012 7:56 am

Looks like this can either be a one shot or be continued. Either way good work.

publicfigure
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: To Rise Again

Post by publicfigure » Mon Sep 03, 2012 1:03 am

Deleted
Last edited by publicfigure on Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

publicfigure
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by publicfigure » Mon Sep 03, 2012 1:06 am

I see that I spelled names wrong. :oops: I fixed that, but I have since kept a character list close by for reference. Sorry about that.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6033
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Sep 03, 2012 4:50 am

You spelled a lot more than just names wrong - up to and including "Liar"
...even these injuries heal.
Excluding the eye of course.

Two months of coma followed by... probably another three of rehabilitation - Hisao will probably have to repeat his last year.

Anyway, it probably would have been better to leave the first chapter to stand on its own...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

publicfigure
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by publicfigure » Mon Sep 03, 2012 8:31 am

How to Save a Life

True to her words, Shizune comes back the next day. She isn’t alone because there is a group in my room. Lilly, Hanako, Emi, Misha…wait…is that one of those behavior dog collars on her? The Nurse is with them.

“Good Afternoon Hiaso…” the Nurse starts to speak.

“HICCHAN…EEP!” Misha jumps as if she was shocked.

The Nurse shakes his head, “I told you that would happen if you raise your voice,” he sounds amused.

Everyone is trying to stop giggling, even Shizune. Why do I keep focusing on her? I remember colors and a feeling a fear as I look at her. The vision flashes into my mind. Was that real or just a dream?

“Now, we must keep ourselves under control. We shouldn’t disturb the other people here,” looking directly at me, “Isn’t that right Hiaso?”

“I am sorry for that,” I turn to Shizune. I walk toward her and get on my knees. I bow before her in apology. I keep bowing until she reaches down and pulls me up. She looks at me and hands me a note. [Apology: accepted.]

“Well,” Nurse seems taken off guard by my display in front of Shizune. ”We are here to talk about your therapy. Normally, we have the teacher come in to help you catch up and have train psychical therapist to help you get used to your new limits. Ms. Hakamichi came to me with a different idea. Clearly, she was…let us say persistent," that cause everyone but Shizune to smile. ”Anyways, these are your tutors and your therapy. Shizune is going to help with your science and math with the help of Misha...”

“Hicchan, I am going to teach you sign language too.” I turn to Misha. She spoke in a normal tone. I guess one shock was enough.

“Yes, she is,” he continues, “Lilly is going help you with English. Hanako is going to be your Japanese History tutor. Emi is going to help with psychical therapy. You will be running with her in the mornings.”

I look at them. I turn to Shizune, “Why? Why are you doing this?”

Misha speaks “HICCHAN...EEP...GRRRR…EEP...sigh...Hicchan, because we are your friends,” I guess it takes three maybe, “and we care about you.”

Those words hit me harder than any tree branch. “I don’t...,” I feel a finger on my lips.

Shizune is looking directly into my eye. Then a memory of a feeling, a feeling of fear that she has and faces every day, tears start to form in my eyes. I collapse into her arms crying. I am crying for the loss of my parents and the fear I feel. She just holds me. I cry like a lost child. She just holds onto me to let me know she understands. Then other hands hold me, they are all holding me now, I am not alone anymore because I have friends here with me, crying with me. I don’t know how long I cried with them holding me before I stand again swaying a little. The nurse guides me to my bed.

“You need to rest,” he looks relieve, “Keeping things bottled up the way you have been is dangerous.” Shizune taps him on his shoulder. “Yes, Ms. Hakamichi?” She hands a note to read, “That will be fine, but only until curfew. Ms. Hakamichi and Ms. Mikado are going to stay with you for a while to keep you company. Tomorrow, you start your therapy.”

Everyone says good-bye, Emi tells me to expect her early in the morning. Shizune and Misha pull up a couple chairs next to my bed.

“Thank you for everything you have done for me. I don’t deserve it,” I look at her before closing my eye.

“You are welcome. You do deserve it, and I will PR...EEP.I will… prove it to you,” Misha says, “Hicchan, you not going to sleep?”

“No, I am still not use to having one eye. I get headaches, and I am little tired after…”

“Oh, Hicchan, you shouldn’t worry about that,” Misha says. I think.

It is hard to tell who is talking to me right now because I have my eye closed. I feel a hand touch mine and slowly rise up to a face with glasses. I guess I know who said that, trust Shizune to let me know she was talking to me. Then a knock door cause me to open my eye again, maybe the Nurse has more instructions for me.

“Excuse me,” a man’s voice calls from the door, “Is this Hiaso Nakai’s room?”

“I am Hiaso Nakai. Who are you?”

“I am Mr. Kobayashi. I am, I mean, I was your parent’s lawyer.” He has greying hair and dress in business suit. He isn’t an opposing figure when someone thinks of a lawyer, but he seems more like a grandfather than a lawyer. “I need to talk about your parents’ will and life insurance.” He looks at the two girls.

“These are my friends Shizune Hakamichi and Shiina Mikado. I want they stay if you don’t mind Mr. Kobayashi.”

“No problem Mr. Nakai. Your parents’ will leave everything to you, as you might have guessed. They brought insurance on the house, which pays it off in the case of their death, which is now yours. There is the matter of the life insurance monies, Mr. Nakai, your parents work for the Satou Corporation, which proves life insurance for their employees, and your parents brought addition insurance recently naming your beneficiary. In other words, Mr. Nakai, your parents planned because the amount is One hundred fifty five million yen. I am here to help you decide what to do with it, Mr. Nakai.”

I am stun about the money. Mr. Kobayashi look genuine sorry to be here talking to me, but I still turn to Shizune who has been listen…I wonder if that is the correct way to put that…our conversion.

“What do you think?”

“You must plan for a future Hiaso. You do want to have a future?” Misha and Shizune look at me.

I haven’t thought about a future in months even before coming to Yamaku. “I haven’t thought about a future,” I look out the window for second trying to think what my parents would want me to do right now. I look at Mr. Kobayashi, “What you suggest?”

“I suggest you put some in the bank for right now to cover your expense of staying here. I will invest some into Satou Corporation. The rest I will hold in trust for you when you get into college. Does that met with your approval Mr. Nakai?”

After a slight nod from Shizune, “That will be fine. I am sure you already have the papers for me to sign.”

He pulls the papers out of briefcase for me. I sign on the necessary lines after Shizune reads them and nods her head.

Mr. Kobayashi smiles sadly at me, “I would like to tell you something personal, Mr. Nakai. My full name is Hisao Kobayashi. Your parents helped me when I was at the lowest point in my life. I used to be wealthy, but I lost it because I invested badly. My wife took my daughter and left me. I lost everything and was homeless. I met your parents shortly after they graduated from college. They used to give me food and money; in exchange, I did some odd jobs for them.”

He pauses to collect his thoughts, “They took interest in my problems and treated like a person. With their help, I turn my life around and found a job in Tokyo. We tried to stay in touch the best we can, but we never had a chance to see each other again. After you were born, they told me they named you after me. Hisao means long life, as you know. I drafted their will and help with getting the house. We slowly drifted apart due to working long hours.”

His voice grows thick with emotion, “It is something I regret; I would like to had the chance know you as you grew. They honor me with giving you my name. They help me find hope again. I owe them for taking the time on me. If you ever need anything from me, call,” he hands me a card and bows to me. Then grins and bows to Shizune and Misha, “Thank you for your help ladies. Take care of my namesake will you?” he speaks and signs. For once, both Shizune and Misha are speechless.

The routine begins the next day; Emi comes to room and takes me to the track to get me run. Well, I walk fast compare the blur that is Emi. The Nurse keeps an eye on me during my time at the track. It is exciting to get out.

After we head to his office for my mandatory checkup, “Well, you check out,” he says, “How are you feeling Hisao?”

“Tired, but in a good way. I am sorry for being a pain in the past few weeks Nurse,” I bow my head towards him. Father taught me the importance of the proper apology.

He waives it off. “It was necessary for you to work it out. I didn’t count Ms. Hakamichi taking an interest in your care,” he grins at me, “I guess you have manage to get her attention by almost landing on her.”

“What?”

“When you fell out the tree, you almost landed on her. She just happened to be heading into the building for some reason when PLOP there you were. She is the one that sent Misha to get me. She stayed with you until I got there.”

“I didn’t know Shizune did that or that I almost…”I guess I never thought about how the Nurse got there or if my stupid picnic with Kenji hurt anyone else.

“Don’t worry about it Hiaso. You seem to be coming out fine regardless, but back to my question. How are you feeling?”

I know what he is asking, “I don’t know. I feel sad, angry, and lost. I still blame myself for what happen.” Tears start to fall again. I have cried some since the first time. Guilty is still lays heavy on my shoulders.

The Nurse looks at me a moment, “I want to take this note to your class your and give it to your homeroom teacher. Then come back here afterward, understand?”

He hands me a taped note. I nod and head to my old classroom. It is weird walking through the school again. I didn’t realize how much I miss being in this building. All too soon, I am at my homeroom door knocking.

“Come in,” Mutou calls out. “Nakai, it is good to see you up and around.” He sounds genuinely pleased to see me. “Are you returning today?”

“No sir, I am just here to give you this note from the Nurse,” I hand him the note. I start feeling tired again. I guess my muscles aren’t ready for all this activity. “Sir would mind if I sit down for a minute. I am supposed to head back to the nurse, but…”

“Sure, in fact, wait here. You can escort the people the Nurse wishes to see.” I am to escort people. I wonder whom the Nurse needs to see.

I see Hanako in the back of the class. She is still shy around me, but she has become a friend since tutoring me in Japanese History. She smiles at me. I smile back to her when Shizune comes in; Mutou hands her the Nurse’s note and looks at me. Misha comes over.

“HICCHAN, Back in class already... EEP!” she jumps when Shizune pokes here, “Shicchan! You promise to stop doing that, it isn’t funny!” Shizune grins at her and looks at me. ”Oh…sorry…We are supposed to go see the Nurse. Teacher wants us to take you back there when you are ready.”

“I am feeling better now,” I look around the room one more time. “I miss this,” I whisper to myself sadly.

We all walk slowly, mostly because of me, back to the Nurse’s office.

“Oh, good, I was about to come look for you. I see you brought my guests with you.” He says as we all enter the room. “I have a note from a Mr. Kobayashi that asked if Hiaso can go to his house this weekend. He says it is a chance for him to pick up a few mementos before he has things put into storage. I can’t accompany him to his house. I need people I can trust.”
He looks at Misha and Shizune, who both in turn look at me. Misha smiles, but Shizune looks with a look I know too well, aggressive curiosity. Oh boy, this is going to be a long weekend.

“We are going to see Hicchan House? That should be fun! BAWAWAW~” Shizune blushes a little; I guess, that last part was only supposed to be girl talk and not public knowledge. I guess she knows Misha said it aloud by the way I am looking at her, blushing myself. “BAWAWA~... Look at the blushing pair!”

“Ms. Mikado, don’t make me get the collar again,” the Nurse grins at me as Misha stops in mid BAWA,” I may make you wear this weekend.”

“Wait! No!” Misha pouts as I start to laugh. Shizune pokes Misha signing again, “Sorry Shicchan, Yes, we would be happy to escort Hiaso to his house and help him. I will ask my cousin if she could drive us there." I guess Shizune parents live too far away. In fact, I don’t know much about anyone here other than the names, I feel a little guilty about that.

“Good. Now, that is taking care of, will please escort Hiaso back to his room. I already arrange with your teacher to allow you the day to help him with his homework in science,” he gives me a wink and grin.

Why does he do that when Shizune is in the room?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Last edited by publicfigure on Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6033
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:10 am

Someone is taking that comment way too seriously...
I am not telling you to stop.
I was pointing out some flaws (or what I see as such), but aside from that you did/do write a decent story.

It's just that I think the first chapter had an ending that would have stood very well on its own, and in my opinion the continuation takes away from what you had before. Sometimes a sequel does make a thing worse. I'm sure you can fill in enough examples from your own experience.
Others have said the same thing before Chapter two appeared, I shared that opinion, but did not comment until after having read the second chapter.
You didn't seem to feel attacked by the first commenters, so I am a bit surprised at your reaction.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

publicfigure
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by publicfigure » Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:34 am

At the time of those comment, I wasn't sure if I would continue with it or post it here. Your comment basically says dont keep going. While it doesn't anger me, it does seem out of place in this forum. I believe in encouraging people when they put themselves out there, telling some you should quit while ahead isn't encouragement.

Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
Posts: 2524
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Imola, Italy

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Silentcook » Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:24 am

publicfigure wrote:[...] Your comment basically says dont keep going. While it doesn't anger me, it does seem out of place in this forum. [...]
I'm going to go out on a limb here.

I am very strongly against the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything" school of thought when we're talking about writer feedback. I believe that way of thinking to be a highway to complacency and lack of improvement.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that giving negative feedback is absolutely not out of place in this forum. Users should not take this statement as a free pass to behave like dicks, because the forum rules still apply in full.

Carry on.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

Image

User avatar
Kyvos
Posts: 70
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2012 12:00 am
Location: Canada

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Kyvos » Tue Sep 04, 2012 12:55 am

If you want to keep going, do it. I think it could work very well as a longer story if you do it properly.
Lilly > Emi > Hanako > Shizune > Rin
100% get!

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6033
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Sep 04, 2012 4:46 am

I believe in encouraging people when they put themselves out there,
I do as well, but for me that's only the second purpose - the first is helping writers improve, and most authors here appreciate that.
Now, I'm not telling you to take my word for the true gospel, but I will give you my honest opinion about your stories - if you want it. If you're only interested in praise, I'd rather stop commenting on your stories at all.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: To Rise Again (Update 9/3/12)

Post by Roamin12 » Wed Sep 05, 2012 8:22 pm

I liked it a bit more as a one-shot, but feel free to continue.
I personally think that negative criticism is just as good as positive, and constructive is the best, and if you are going to complain about criticism at all, you shouldn't be a writer, but that's just my view.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

Post Reply