Staggering Harmony - (A2,S15 Updated 12/30/15)

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Zykes
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Staggering Harmony - (A2,S15 Updated 12/30/15)

Post by Zykes » Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:23 pm

Updates
12/30/2015 - Act 2, Scene 15 Released.
12/29/2015 - Act 2, Scene 14 Released.
12/27/2015 - Act 2, Scene 13 Released.
12/25/2015 - Act 2, Scene 12 Released.
12/25/2015 -All Scene Revisions (A1,S1 to A2,S11)
8/14/2014 - Act 2, Scene 11 Released.
8/18/2014 - Act 2, Scene 10 Released.
8/07/2014 - Act 2, Scene 9 Released.
7/13/2014 - Act 2, Scene 8 Released
4/21/2014 - Act 2, Scene 7 Released.
2/28/2014 - Act 2, Scene 6 Released.
1/23/2014 - Act 2, Scene 5 Released.
10/14/2013 - Act 2, Scene 4 Released.
9/27/2013 - Act 2, Scene 3 Released.
7/09/2013 - Act 2, Scene 2 Released.
3/08/2013 - Act 2, Scene 1 Released.
2/15/2013 - Act 1, Scene 16 Released, Act 1 Complete.
1/29/2013 - Act 1, Scene 15 Released.
1/22/2013 - Act 1, Scene 14 Released.
11/23/2012 - Act 1, Scene 13 Released.
11/02/2012 - Act 1, Scene 12 Released.
10/27/2012 -Act 1, Scene 11 Released.
10/2/2012 - Act 1, Scene 10 Released.
9/29/2012 - Act 1, Scene 1-9 Revisions.
9/25/2012 - Act 1, Scene 8/9 Released.
9/19/2012 - Act 1, Scene 7 Released.
9/13/2012 - Act 1, Scene 6 Released.
9/10/2012 - Act 1, Scene 5 Released. Artwork Released.
8/28/2012 - Act 1, Scene 4 Released.
8/24/2012 - Act 1, Scene 3 Released.
8/21/2012 - Act 1, Scene 1 Revised. Act 1, Scene 2 Released.
8/17/2012 - Act 1, Scene 1 Released.



Character Info, Artwork, And Q&A

Writer Notes - (will be added as needed)
*I don't have a set goal of scenes for each week, but I will do my best to make sure it is more than once a week.
*As of 9/19/12 the artist for this story is not available and new planned pieces will be delayed

ANNOUNCEMENTS
12/15/2015 - Woot, Christmas time, and I guess I came back. Life has been so busy for me, but I always wanted to finish this, but after over a year not working on it, It can be rough to jump back in. But hey, I did revise all the chapters or most of them :|, in any case, I am back in the flow of things and hopefully I won't have any set backs for a while. Good to be back :3
10/14/2013 - Well, finally getting things back in pace, rather than being at months apart. I will try to keep a more constant pace, not that I got my flow back and my hand is working proper again, haha. Anyway, as for the special 1 year story, it was canned. I couldn't pan out the 2 Ideas into something i'd like for a one shot. Oh well.
07/09/2013 - Finally back after an unwanted break, should hopefully get back into the flow and get this story on the move. I'd also like to announce that I will be doing a one shot for the 1 year mark of this story. The idea has already been put on the board, so just gotta get some last things figured out for it, and no it should not affect me from writing this main piece. :D






Scene Lists

Act 1 - Slow Beats
Scene 1 - Setting the Threads
Scene 2 - Clean Slate
Scene 3 - Bitter Taste
Scene 4 - The Correct Pace?
Scene 5 - Appropriate Push
Scene 6 - A Generous Offer
Scene 7 - Dynamic Moment
Scene 8 - Interlude
Scene 9 - Reprise
Scene 10 - Irregular Melody
Scene 11 - Loose Chords
Scene 12 - Fine-Tuning
Scene 13 - Accelerando
Scene 14 - Ensemble
Scene 15 - Harmonic Downpour
Scene 16 - Fading Tone

Act 2 - Standard Rhythm
Scene 1 - Familiar Grounds
Scene 2 - Reunion
Scene 3 - Brothers in Arms?
Scene 4 -Soothing Sentiment
Scene 5 - Course Correction
Scene 6 - Personal Planning
Scene 7 - Blossom Tending
Scene 8 - A Sudden Wilting
Scene 9 - Unexpected Rapture
Scene 10 - Cautious Stride
Scene 11 - Warmhearted Fête
Scene 12 - Aching Recovery
Scene 13 - Developing Journey
Scene 14 - Desired Serenity
Scene 15 - Uncertain Gap
Scene 16 - (WIP)

Act 3 - (WIP)
Last edited by Zykes on Wed Dec 30, 2015 5:18 pm, edited 53 times in total.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 1)

Post by Zykes » Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:23 pm

ACT 1Slow Beats

Scene 1Setting the Threads.

The early morning sun beams down through the car window, into my eyes. It’s quite an unpleasant feeling to say the least. I don’t know how to feel about this trip; It feels like I’m being put somewhere I won't cause any trouble.

I glance to my side, looking at the driver seat. My sister looks more cheerful than I do. Maybe she sees something in this that I don’t. I feign a smile as the car came to a stop, the sight of iron gates behind her signals our arrival. “Yamaku Academy,” it’s a school for students with physical disabilities. It definitely feels appropriate for me, even before my current situation.

I step out of the car, doing my best not to slam the door behind me. I come around to the side walk and turn towards my sister as she steps out. I focus on her car for a moment.

I've always thought it was a modest car, for someone who could easily get something better. When my attention returns to my sister, I notice she is staring at me. I wonder if I was making a face or something.

“Feeling nervous Hiroshi?” My sister places her hand on my shoulder, sending a small jolt through my body; it feels odd for a moment.

“…Should I not, Katsumi?” It's a strange question in the first place, but I’m sure she means well.

“You do have a point. Just don’t over exert yourself now.” Katsumi chuckles a bit at the silliness of her question, but she still gives a concerning look a few moments later.

I nod at her a bit. She is a doctor; she knows what’s best for my health, though reluctant as I am to do as she wishes. I try to give an encouraging smile, but I’m sure Katsumi can see right through it. She pulls my bag from the trunk as she walks towards the gate.

“Let’s get you set up in your room, so you can get to class.” She pushes the gates open and moves through, I follow closely behind.

\\\\\\\\\\

The male dorms are pretty generic as I step through the hall, stopping once Katsumi does. I take a deep breath as my eyes start to scan the area around the door, noticing the staircase a few doors down and a few vending machines. My thoughts fade as Katsumi opens the door. She grabs my attention again once I get inside.

“Wow… the room isn’t as spacious as I thought it was going to be,” Katsumi is more surprised about the room than I am, but I have pretty low expectations about a lot of things, so maybe I shouldn’t judge her reaction so much.

“It’s about the same size at home, Katsumi,” I try to make the best with what I have, considering how Katsumi is covering most of the costs, our parents aren’t involved here.

“At least you like it, Hiroshi,” Her words are sincere as she puts the bag on my bed.

I find myself quickly sorting things out and getting my clothes put away, as Katsumi examines the room a bit more.

Soon enough I have everything set, though it wasn’t much to begin with. Katsumi is surprised by my pace. I make a grim face, even though I don’t intend to. She then gives me a serious look.

“I’ll be sure to get Mom and Dad to send the rest of the things you need as soon as possible,” She sounds optimistic, though I assume she is just going to take care of it herself. I surprisingly feel bad that Katsumi does so much for me, considering how things usually go for me.

“All right, but don’t feel like it has to be rushed or anything...,” I don’t want her to feel like she has to take care of every aspect of this situation, but I don't know what to say to her without sounding rude. I sigh a bit, and then I smile, which in turn she does the same. At least she knows it is real smile.

Katsumi looks at her watch, suddenly gasping. I figure we have spent more time on the dorm than we should of. She quickly moves towards the door, turning towards me.

“Come on Hiroshi, you’re going to be late for class if you don’t hurry!” I nod in agreement and quickly keep pace, though I try not to exert myself too much, knowing that wouldn’t be good for me either.

My heart starts to beat quickly. I start to feel nervous again as I realize that in a few short minutes, I will have to introduce myself to the class.

…Wonderful…

\\\\\\\\\\

Once we get off the dorm, Katsumi notices she shouldn’t be rushing me and slows down. My breathing is heavy as I chuckle a little at her delayed reaction. She looks at me playfully, yet sort of mad. This was the same face she makes when she does these kinds of thing. It is a pretty rare sight to behold.

The joy I feel fades away quickly as we reach the doors of the main building. While I am impressed by the look of the school, Katsumi has other thoughts on her mind.

“Hiroshi… Don’t worry about the other students…,” Katsumi’s tone was a lot softer than before, so I try to focus. “I know how you think people feel about you, but that’s just in your mind, here in Yamaku, everyone has something about themselves that might stand out, so they won’t judge you for it,” I sigh, being reminded of what I have to deal with shortly.

It’s hard to feel like no one is going to judge me, I know things are wrong with me…, and it won’t win me any points with anyone, just like in the past. Neither will my heart condition.

“…I’ll try my best, Katsumi….,” I speak honestly, but I don’t know how far my efforts will go when the moment of truth comes.

I feel the expression I was making after I spoke. I’ve always had a naturally sad look on my face, kind of transitioned that way over the years.

Suddenly Katsumi reaches over and hugs me tightly, making me feel a little bit embarrassed, but I hug her back. It was a comfort, to say the least to have someone care about you, even if it is just your sister.

“Take care of yourself, and be sure to call me if you need anything, Hiroshi,” Katsumi softly flicks my forehead, something she does often as a way to get me to focus on what I have to do. It is annoying, but I’m used to it.

“Thanks, I will Katsumi,” I wave to her as she leaves. I know she probably has to get ready for work soon.

I turn myself around to face the door, taking a moment to breathe. I push open them and step inside, my heart beating fast, unsure of what to expect.

\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\
Last edited by Zykes on Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:45 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 1)

Post by Sapphire » Sun Aug 19, 2012 4:13 pm

You definitely ran into some trouble early on, grammar wise. I'll focus on that before we get to the story itself.

First, decide your tense.
I glance over to my side, looking over at the driver seat. My sister looked more cheerful than I did
Glance is present tense. You use 'over' twice, and it isn't even needed once. Then, 'looked' is past tense.
>All the uses of 'seemed'
Avoid using that whenever possible. It brings doubt into the reader's mind, as if the person telling the story isn't even sure what's going on. "the sight of the iron gates behind her seemed to signal[ed] that we arrived [our arrival.]"
>All the semicolons
Semicolons are useful, but they can be effectively replaced by a period 90% of the time, and should be. Semicolons, when overused, make the prose awkward and choppy.
“Feeling nervous Hiroshi?” My sister had placed her hand on my shoulder, sending a small jolt through my body; it felt a bit odd for that moment.

“…Should I not, Katsumi?” It seemed like an odd question to me in the first place. But I am sure she meant it with good intention.
This is just a nit-pick, but this exchange seems odd. Forced, in a way. Dialogue should feel natural, and it's fine if Hiroshi and Katsumi have a super-formal way of speaking to one another, but that doesn't really fit in my mind for a brother and sister.
“Let’s get you set up in your room, so you can go to class,” He pushed the gate up and walked through, I followed close behind.
Did Katsumi suddenly change into a man, or is there some character I'm not aware of? :P
The male dorms seem pretty generic in my mind, stepping through the hall, stopping once Katsumi did
'Seem' and 'in my mind' are completely unnecessary here. We know it's in his mind, because it's first person. And again, 'seem' just makes your character appear less sure of what is going on in his own head.
“Alright, but don’t feel like it has to be rushed or anything...,”
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but 'alright' isn't a word. 'All right' is the correct phrase. Although, if you're interested, here is a small explanation to how it could be used and still be considered...Passable:
" [T]he American Heritage Guide to Contemporary Usage and Style seems to contradict itself. It states that “alright” as one word “has never been accepted as standard” but it then goes on to explain that “all right” as two words and “alright” as one word have two distinct meanings. It gives the example of the sentence “The figures are all right.” When you use “all right” as two words, the sentence means “the figures are all accurate.” When you write “The figures are alright,” with “alright” as one word, this source explains that the sentence means “the figures are satisfactory.”

Source: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/al ... right.aspx
That doesn't mean that 'alright' is all right. It means that it may, in the future, become accepted as a very specific alternative to the correct 'all right'. As it is, stick with the two-word version.

Moving away from the grammar side of things, the story has its merits. The relationship between Katsumi and Hiroshi is...different. But it will be interesting to see how Hiroshi copes with things at Yamaku. You could have done a bit more in the way of getting Hiroshi into some sort of interesting conflict, or at least continue until he reaches the class, but as it is, I would read more, if you promise to work on the small problems I've pointed out above. ^^;

And don't take it personally. Every writer has their issues, including me! Still need to use commas to end dialogue when there is more narration.
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 1)

Post by Zykes » Sun Aug 19, 2012 5:02 pm

“Feeling nervous Hiroshi?” My sister had placed her hand on my shoulder, sending a small jolt through my body; it felt a bit odd for that moment.

“…Should I not, Katsumi?” It seemed like an odd question to me in the first place. But I am sure she meant it with good intention.
This is just a nit-pick, but this exchange seems odd. Forced, in a way. Dialogue should feel natural, and it's fine if Hiroshi and Katsumi have a super-formal way of speaking to one another, but that doesn't really fit in my mind for a brother and sister.
Without revealing too many details, their relationship isn't very traditional.
“Let’s get you set up in your room, so you can go to class,” He pushed the gate up and walked through, I followed close behind.
Did Katsumi suddenly change into a man, or is there some character I'm not aware of? :P
D: a typo, I will be sure to keep a better eye for that.
Moving away from the grammar side of things, the story has its merits. The relationship between Katsumi and Hiroshi is...different. But it will be interesting to see how Hiroshi copes with things at Yamaku. You could have done a bit more in the way of getting Hiroshi into some sort of interesting conflict, or at least continue until he reaches the class, but as it is, I would read more, if you promise to work on the small problems I've pointed out above. ^^;
When I wrote this originally, it was written to be posted with two scenes. When I realized that put it close to 3000 words, I removed the second scene and focused on the first.

As for a conflict or something of that caliber, I thought about how Hisao entered Yamaku and the general idea of starting in a new school. I felt that any real conflict wouldn’t start until he met his classmates. I mention something that could be a concern for Hiroshi, though I feel it might give a degree of confusion in terms of what his condition is.

As for anything else I didn’t mention. I agreed or understood what you brought up.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 1)

Post by griffon8 » Sun Aug 19, 2012 5:27 pm

Their relationship should be unusual. If Hiroshi is in high school and Katsumi is a doctor, she should be at least 12 years older.
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 1)

Post by Zykes » Sun Aug 19, 2012 9:07 pm

griffon8 wrote:Their relationship should be unusual. If Hiroshi is in high school and Katsumi is a doctor, she should be at least 12 years older.

Your right, she is 28, going on 29.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 2)

Post by Zykes » Tue Aug 21, 2012 6:55 pm

Scene 2Clean Slate.


The hall inside the main building is quite spacious, something that accommodates for the students here I suppose. I notice a tall man standing nearby, his attention directly on me. I almost freeze in place, feeling awkward.

“Are you Yamashita?” The man asks. His tone was interesting to say the least. I simply nod in response.

“I am Mutou. I will be your homeroom teacher as well as your science instructor.” He is straight to the point, but I can’t blame him, considering the time. I try not to be so withdrawn, as I look towards him, but avoiding direct eye contact.

“Ok…” I am stunned by how basic I respond, but I really didn’t know what else to say.

“We are about to go to class 3-3, do you want to introduce yourself?” I didn’t make much of the question. I am under the impression that every new student HAD to introduce themselves.

“Sure…why not?” I was doing my best to follow Katsumi’s advice, though I really don’t know what to say at the moment, beyond my own name. Stiffness fills my body for a moment as I look at Mutou.

“Let’s go” Mutou turns and starts walking away, I follow him, having no idea how to navigate the school, but I am sure I need to learn it quickly to get around.

\\\\\\\\\\

My breathing is heavy and rapid, as we reach the top of the steps on the third floor. My mind is racing. The idea that I would have to walk up and down these stairs every day is like a sick joke. I force my slouching body to move forward, as Mutou stops in front of a door. I use the pause in our movement to fix my posture and relax my breathing.

“Wait here a moment.” Those words seemed to fill me with dread. It was a prelude to something I still had no idea how to approach. I give a simple nod again, my breathing is still off, I wouldn’t sound relaxed if I spoke.

I close my eyes as Mutou walks into the classroom, I can hear his words. They are almost too plain, from how he brings up a new student to the class. My mind fills with thoughts on what to say, though only a few vague ideas come to mind. I hear my cue to walk in.

The class room is a lot brighter than the hallway as I keep my eyes only half open. I stare at the ground to make sure I don’t walk into anything as I now face the class. The glare of the sun is considerably less as I look at the other students. I notice things about them immediately. The brief moment feels like hours in my mind as I soak it all in.

It’s still hard to tell if I really stand out or not, despite Katsumi’s words. This uncertainty doesn’t last as most of the class looks at me with awe. I knew it…this always happens. This depressing feeling sends slight shivers through my body, which makes me not want to smile. I force myself to speak, if just to end this sensation.

“Hello, I am Hiroshi Yamashita…I like to read and write. I also play the violin,” I pause, thinking of one last thing to add. “I hope to get along with everyone…” The sound of clapping seems to end the internal struggle for the time being as I turn towards Mutou.

“Take the open seat in the back, Yamashita,” Mutou said as he prepared to teach the class. “If you need any help, ask Hakamichi, she is the class representative,” I scurry to my seat. I did not want to keep the class waiting.

I don’t really notice until I sit down, but the pink haired girl in front of me was staring. She is kind of cute, but I feel slightly uncomfortable. I wonder if she Hakamichi, and whether or not she is looking at me because I’m odd to her. Mutou finishes writing on the board and turns back to the class.

“Today will be a group activity, so get into your groups.”

Before I have any opportunity to react, the two girls in front of me turn towards my direction. My discomfort grows a bit more.

“You can join our group!” The pink haired girl is quite loud. I resist the urge to cover my ears though.

“Sure thing” I hope that isn’t too bad for a conversation starter. Both girls smile at me. They then wave their hands, which confuses me for a moment. I start to think I need to figure out who the class representative is. “So, are you Hakamichi?” My words are directed at the pink haired girl.

“Hahaha!” her sudden laugh keeps me in a state of discomfort. She turns to the blue haired girl, waving her hands.

“I’m not Hakamichi silly. My name is Misha. This is Hakamichi Shicchan!” Misha points towards to the girl next to her. I feel stupid for making assumptions.
“Nice to meet you Misha and Hakamichi,” I stare more at Misha as I speak. Hakamichi looks upset. I glance at her, chuckling a bit uneasily.

“You don’t have to be so formal, you can call her Shizune,” Misha giggles, as I silently speak the name. With that Shizune smiles, waving her hands back and forth with Misha.

It dawns on me, it must be sign language. I was so nervous before, I didn’t really pay it much attention.

I don’t know if I can get use to this, it seems like I should focus on Misha as she talks, but it could be Shizune talking. I feel confused, as I stare off into space for a moment, lost in my thoughts.

As I regain my focus, I notice both of them staring directly at my eyes, it makes me freeze up.

“You have such pretty eyes Hiroshi” Misha grins, as Shizune continues to stare. I blurt out the first thing on my mind.

“I’m sorry! ...Huh?” It takes a few moments to realize what Misha really said. I start to blush a little. It isn’t the normal kind of reaction I’m used to.

“Shicchan says that was an odd way to react,” I scratch the back of my head. It isn’t going to be easy for me to relax.

“Sorry…hehe,” Misha and Shizune accept this with simple nods. I look up towards the front of the class, Mutou is reading a newspaper. It’s strange to see a teacher doing that so early in the day.

“Oh, if you have any questions, just ask!” Misha giggles again, though Shizune gives her a serious look. Misha seems to get the idea, I sure don’t. “Oh, we need to get to our classwork,” I look down at my paper, it is blank.

We spent a good amount of time procrastinating. The three of us hurry to get through the class work, but it isn’t a simple task. I have to stop each time Shizune wants to say something, which slows things down. I’m not really good with group work. My paper eventually fills up. Just in time, the school bell rings, indicating the start of the lunch period.

I hope I find something good.


\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\
Last edited by Zykes on Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 2)

Post by griffon8 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:26 pm

Well I must say I found that not nearly as interesting as the first part. Mostly because of how much you took from the VN.

I'm a believer in the author revealing information as needed in the writing, which is why I haven't read your character info and artwork. You haven't made it a problem yet, but the deal with his eyes should be dealt with very soon. The reader shouldn't be forced to read your notes to enjoy the story.
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 2)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Aug 22, 2012 2:54 am

Another scene lifted straight from the VN - Why?
This scene is in every route, so most people around here have read it a least six times already, not counting its appearance in other fanfictions.
Also LOTS of missing words and typos for such a short chapter. You might consider getting a proofreader.
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 2)

Post by Zykes » Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:15 am

griffon8 wrote:Well I must say I found that not nearly as interesting as the first part. Mostly because of how much you took from the VN.
I've had some issues with getting through this scene. I tried not to be word for word with the VN as best I could, though In a lot of areas it did anyways. Once I get out of this starting section, I will have a bit more freedom with what I want to say.
griffon8 wrote:You haven't made it a problem yet, but the deal with his eyes should be dealt with very soon.
I brought it up at the start of the story as more of a way to explain his uneasy feelings in a social setting, but I am curious about them as well, hehe.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 3)

Post by Zykes » Fri Aug 24, 2012 12:35 pm

Scene 3Bitter Taste.

Shizune grabs our work from our desks. My paper is about as filled out as Shizune's. I sigh in relief, turning my head to the side. Many students seem to leave at a slow pace, one girl stands out. She has long purple hair. She bolts out of the class. I wonder what her issue is, though the thought fades as Shizune comes back, signing to Misha.

"Let's have lunch together Hiroshi," Misha grins, standing next to Shizune. I don't see a problem with it. They are the only two I know. I stand up, nodding at them.

The classroom is empty as we step out. The noise in the hallway is a lively change of pace, compared to my arrival this morning. I take a moment to look at the other students coming from their classes, most of which have something noteworthy about them to mention.

Misha pokes my side a few times, which isn't a pleasant feeling. I turn towards her.

"Stop daydreaming, Hiroshi," I blink a few times to get my focus straightened out. She grabs my arm, pulling me down the hall, only keeping pace once we reach the staircase.


\\\\\\\\\\


The walk down the stairs isn't as bad as it was going up, as we reach the first floor. I try to look around the main hall, but get tugged by Misha. They must really want to grab something to eat. I attempt to protest the rush to the cafeteria, but it's futile.

"We'll show you around after we eat Hiroshi, don't worry," I take it at face value, stepping through large, brown double doors.

The cafeteria is a large open space. Large wooden tables span the room with small, gray stools for seats and enough room for decent sized aisles to walk through. Shizune and Misha pick sandwiches for lunch. I take a small bowl of ramen. The three of us grab a table. They take seats at the edge of the table, while I sit next to Shizune.

"How are you enjoying Yamaku so far?" I figure Shizune is asking, Misha only speaking after she translates. I think about the question with real consideration.

"It's hard to put into words really…" I eat some of the ramen, as they start to talk to each other for a few minutes, which piques my curiosity. I use the silence to finish my ramen, but Misha's sudden words catch me off guard, causing me to almost choke.

"Do you have a girlfriend, Hiroshi," I take a moment to relax, it’s something I didn’t expect to be asked.

"Well… umm… not really…," I was hoping that would be enough, but it isn't. Shizune and Misha seem more interested now. Signing to each other quickly, It surprises me, that either one can keep up with the other.

"It’s surprising, especially with such wonderful eyes!" They clearly are feeling cheerful; however, I’m filled with confusion. I suppose it’s not common to have violet eyes, but no one ever really took notice of it, or anything about me for that matter. Suddenly my heart starts to ache. I grab my chest, for a moment, attempting to ease the sensation, but to no avail. Shizune grabs my shoulder now, I look directly at her.

"Are you alright Hiroshi, we were only teasing you" Misha spoke with concern. I simply nod, if only to ease their minds, but they give worried looks. I doubt they believe me.

The silence grows between us, as Shizune and Misha finish their lunches. I feel bad for bringing the mood down. I try to think about something to get things back to normal. An idea pops in my mind, as I almost slam my hands on the table. Maybe I'm too eager to fix the mood.

"Hey! Is there a music program in Yamaku?" Misha jumps up a bit, clearly surprised by my sudden reaction. She takes a moment to translate for Shizune. I don't understand why she wouldn't know this already.

"Ahaha~! Yes Hiroshi, we do have one, it's a club after classes, though I not sure if any spaces are open." Shizune looks much happier, as I notice Misha is still unsettled from being startled.

I sigh in relief, as they get up to throw out their trash. I join them, as I check my phone. We have about fifteen minutes till the end of lunch. I keep a slow pace, but Shizune and Misha grab my arms pulling me again. They sure are energetic when they want to be.

We stop in the main hall. They loosen their grip on me, as I take the opportunity to stretch my arms. I don't notice anything special. Misha suddenly points towards the door to our left.

"This is the Student Council room, Hiroshi. Important work happens here. Wahahaha~!" I don't catch the humor in her statement, but it's not something I try to think about. I nod to confirm my understanding, wanting to move on.
They both start towards the stairs, as I sigh. This isn't going to feel good.


\\\\\\\\\\


I feel like I'm going to pass out. Walking through most of the second floor and coming back up to the third, made me realize just how big the main building is. I try not being visually exhausted in front of Shizune and Misha, but it is very difficult to resist. We walk past our classroom. I thought we finished with the tour already.

We stop after we pass a few more doors, as Shizune and Misha stand in front of me.

"This is what you wanted to see Hiroshi, the Music room!" Shizune signs to Misha, which catches her a bit off guard. She was probably too into the moment.

"Oh! The music room is mainly used by the music club after classes, though students can go in during their free time," That's useful information for once.

I look down at my cell phone, seeing we are in the last five minutes of the lunch period. I look back up, facing Shizune, Misha and the music room. I start thinking about the possibilities of what this can offer. My mind heavily focused on these thoughts.

I would like to play the violin here, but maybe on some free time, I don't know if I feel like being around a group to play with now.

Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts.

After another minute, she pokes my side, which snaps me back to reality. "Well?"

What did she say? Maybe I was too focused on the music room. She probably asked if I have interest in the music club or something. I speak up, being clear with my thought.

"Umm… Not really," I smile, turn to them. They both look pretty angry after Misha signs to Shizune. I am a little confused.

"Hmph!" Misha pouted as they storm off, back to the class, leaving me behind.

I stand there for a moment, as they disappear from my sight. Still in a state of confusion, I walk towards the class now, the only thing on my mind.

What the hell did I do?!
Last edited by Zykes on Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Staggering Harmony - OC Fanfic

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 3)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Aug 24, 2012 4:30 pm

Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts.

“So, how was the tour Hiroshi? I am sure you liked two cute girls showing you around, Hahaha~!” Misha’s excitement had something more to it, though I’m still on distracted. After another minute, she pokes my side, which snaps me back to reality. “Well?”

What did she say? Maybe I was too focused on the music room. She probably asked if I was interested in the music club or something. I speak up, to be clear with my thought.
...
You can't do that in point of view narration. Hiroshi is the narrator of the story. The reader cannot know any information Hiroshi missed.

This section should read something like this:
Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts.

After another minute, she pokes my side, which snaps me back to reality. “Well?”

What did she say? Maybe I was too focused on the music room. She probably asked if I was interested in the music club or something. I speak up, to be clear with my thought.
...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Zykes
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 3)

Post by Zykes » Sat Aug 25, 2012 11:04 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts.

“So, how was the tour Hiroshi? I am sure you liked two cute girls showing you around, Hahaha~!” Misha’s excitement had something more to it, though I’m still on distracted. After another minute, she pokes my side, which snaps me back to reality. “Well?”

What did she say? Maybe I was too focused on the music room. She probably asked if I was interested in the music club or something. I speak up, to be clear with my thought.
...
You can't do that in point of view narration. Hiroshi is the narrator of the story. The reader cannot know any information Hiroshi missed.

This section should read something like this:
Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts.

After another minute, she pokes my side, which snaps me back to reality. “Well?”

What did she say? Maybe I was too focused on the music room. She probably asked if I was interested in the music club or something. I speak up, to be clear with my thought.
...
Thank you, I couldn't put my finger on what was out of place with this part, but it did feel wrong.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 3)

Post by Zykes » Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:16 am

Scene 4The Correct Pace?

Most of the students are already in the class as I step in. I turn my focus to Shizune and Misha, but they don’t react to my presence. I can’t really put together what they could be so upset about.

I take my seat, placing my things on the desk. I focus on my notebook, but glance up at both of them, hoping they would acknowledge my attempt to get their attention. I feel the urge to say something, but the teacher walks into the classroom, halting my effort.

Unlike Mutou, this instructor looks like any other high school teacher. He wrote on the board, laying out the English assignment. He is clear on it being something to work on individually. This dashes my hope to try to talk to Shizune and Misha during class.

I work on the assignment, struggling to get myself moving on it. English isn’t exactly my most prominent skill. It doesn’t help that I’m still trying to figure things out what is with the two of them. All these thoughts are taxing.

\\\\\\\\\\

The school bell rings, sounding the end of the day. I was barely able to get through the English work.

The teacher speaks to the class, as the ringing ends.

“We will be having an exam tomorrow, so make sure to study,” The idea of an exam is another blow to my mind. My first day here, I don’t know if I can handle an English exam.

I plant my head on the desk as the class dismisses. From the corner of my eye, I catch Shizune and Misha looking at me, but they turn away and leave the class.

Why does life have to be so hard…?

I pull myself up from the desk and pack up my bag. I can feel the strain of a long day coursing through my body.

I step away, noticing someone else still in the room. The purple haired girl I saw earlier today was looking at me, but turned to hide her face when we made eye contact. I would have bothered to react to it, if I wasn’t already full of other thoughts.

I walk through the aisle and out of the class room.

A few random students are still roaming the hallway. I turn towards the music room. A part of me wants to go check it out, but I feel too drained. I decide it’s better if I take the remaining time to rest up. I let out a sigh, walking by a few students hanging by the Art room, as I head towards the stairs.

Reaching the first floor, I walk through the main hall, stopping only at the sound of a familiar laugh coming from the Student Council room. I resist the urge to go inside, feeling that I might do more harm, attempting to talk to them today.

I push the doors open, exiting the main building. The sun’s light somewhat blinding. I cover my eyes briefly, walking down the road. A short distance down I turn to my side and look at the next building. I wasn’t too sure what that building is, but my pace isn’t slowed by the thought.

Once down the steps, I turn towards the Male Dorms. I feel a warm shower is in order.

\\\\\\\\\\

The dorm feels different with other male students walking around. I catch a few glances from some of the guys in the hall, as I head into my room.

The room had not changed since I left it this morning, but it felt different. Maybe it’s from how tired I am, but it looks cozier.

I take a deep breath, going through one of my drawers, setting out my pajamas on the bed. I notice the sun coming in from the window, closing the shades. The only remaining light source in the room is the lamp.

I grab my towel, heading out of the room and to the showers. Once inside, I take a moment to examine the room. Showers lined up in great number, and about a dozen sinks near the door. Probably to help get everyone through quickly in the morning, considering the time some people would need.

I take the first open stall I can find. It looks really clean, it’s either well maintained or it hadn’t been used yet. I start the shower head, as I begin to wash myself.

\\\\\\\\\\

I step out of the stall, with my towel wrapped around my waist. My hair dripping, I feel the cool air from the hall. It gives me a bit of a chill. I attempt to dry off my hair, but a sudden rush of guys into the room give me little space to do so. I quickly move myself out of there once they are behind me, heading straight towards my room.

I step inside, locking the door behind me. I quickly change into the pajamas, once I dry myself. A simple red t-shirt and black pajama pants.

I hang the towel to dry, as I plop onto my bed. I stare at the ceiling, starting to think about the whole day.

Yamaku seems like it’s an interesting place. People in general are much nicer compared to my old high school. Misha and Shizune put a lot effort in showing me around, but I must have done something stupid to get them so mad at me. I should make sure to deal with it tomorrow.

I sigh, my eyes half open. My vision of the ceiling gets blurry.

I feel very exhausted, having no energy to get under the covers. I start to think about the past, back in the hospital.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. The condition I was diagnosed with after the incident in Gym class. My memory of what exactly happen is somewhat fuzzy, but I remember waking up in the hospital connected to a few medical devices.

I didn’t know how to take the news, but it got worse. I was also diagnosed with a permanent case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Both conditions could leave my body almost always drained of energy, with no effective way to recover from it, as well as a weakened immune system. I found a false sense of humor in it; my body had become what I always thought I was…

Useless

I feel depressed, thinking so badly about myself. My current state doesn’t help the feeling as everything goes dark, my consciousness fades into sleep.

\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\
Last edited by Zykes on Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Staggering Harmony - OC Fanfic

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Posts: 5946
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Re: Staggering Harmony - (Updated - Act 1, Scene 4)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:37 am

Try variating your sentences a bit. Almost two thirds of your sentences start with "I".
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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