Behind my Scars [Updated to: Chapter 6]

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Zykes
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Zykes » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:04 pm

Considering that we have found each other on here; I would have to see what you've been writing on here.

And it does not disappoint as always. Your way of writing really does pull me in and makes me want to read more.

Keep up the work! :D
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Tormound » Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:13 pm

Another great post and quick update. Man i wish there were more people like you.

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Sapphire » Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:17 pm

Tormound wrote:Another great post and quick update. Man i wish there were more people like you.
Zykes wrote:Considering that we have found each other on here; I would have to see what you've been writing on here.

And it does not disappoint as always. Your way of writing really does pull me in and makes me want to read more.

Keep up the work! :D

Thank you both.~ I've had a bit of snag in the plot so I didn't get an update yesterday, but I will -try- to get one done today.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Sat Aug 18, 2012 12:55 pm

~Behind my scars, Ch. 4: I’m your girlfriend! Contains mature content

I can’t control my smile in the morning when I wake up with his smiling face staring right back at me through closed eyes. The feeling of his arms wrapped around me coupled with the warmth of his body is enough to paint my cheeks crimson, as well as make my lower half comfortably weak.

His silent face is so tranquil...I wonder...What does he dream about?

“Good morning, Hanako.” says Hisao with his eyes still closed, and his lips curling into a grin.

“M..Morning..”

We stay together, locked in a quiet embrace for some time. It feels nice...Those awkward silences we once shared because either of us was too scared, nervous or reserved to speak our minds have become a thing of the past. His nose buries in my hair and he inhales deeply. The feeling of closeness between us deepens and I pull my body more tightly against his. I never want this moment to end...Unfortunately, his growling stomach makes me realize that the time for rest has ended.

“Heh...Guess we should get breakfast?”

I nod softly. I get up to gather some clean clothes, only to be stopped when I notice an assortment of medical bottles on the dresser. Realization flashes through me instantly upon closer inspection; these are Hisao’s medications...

“D...D-Don’t forget...To t-take these, all r-right?” I say as I turn to him. Thoughts about his condition haven’t been on my mind much since we’ve started dating. He masks it so well most of the time that, honestly, I could easily forget that he is ill in any way. That said, that very fact bothers me...He waves things off as if they aren’t life-threatening. As if his condition holds no gravity in his life...I don’t like it.

“Hey, don’t look so worried, Hanako. I haven’t forgotten to take them since I enrolled at Yamaku. I’m not about to start now.” He gives a reassuring smile. I reflect his expression in a heartbeat, though my mind is still abuzz with thoughts of how casual he is about his condition.

*~*~*

“Ready to go?” asks Hisao.

“That I am.” says Lilly.

“Me t-too.” I say.

And with that, we head out the door into the mid-afternoon air. Lilly locks up behind us, and Hisao moves next to me so he can lace his fingers with mine. I give him my typical demure smile and the three of us head down the dirt trail towards town, knowing it may well be nightfall by the time we do make it to our destination.

“Where are we going again?” asks Hisao. Lilly smiles playfully.

“You’ll find out. I’m sure both you and Hanako will be pleasantly surprised.”

I can’t say the idea of being surprised has ever been enticing to me. But, I trust Lilly. Hisao’s sigh assures me that I’m not the only one a touch leery about this ‘surprise’.

“If you say so, Lilly.”

The walk is longer than I anticipated. My legs are starting to ache, and Lilly is just as visibly distressed by the walk...And...Hisa–

“Hisao!” I cry. He’s lurched forward, his hands on his knees.

“What is it, Hanako? Is Hisao all right?” Lilly’s tone is worried. I forget that she can’t see what’s happening.

“H..Heh...I’m all right, girls. Just need to rest a bit.” His tone is reassuring...His stance isn’t so much.

“Hi...Hisao...” I help him right his posture. His brow is glistening with sweat.

“It’s no big deal, Hanako. I took my meds this morning, so I’ll be all right.” I stare at him with an expression somewhere between concern and frustration.

“Y..You can’t just...brush off your condition like that.” I say with surprising confidence. I’m very glad that the weak feeling in my knees is internal, or I might not have come across as confident as I did. Hisao is taken aback by my forwardness.

“Hanako...”

“I...It’s true...I...I know you don’t w-want me to worry...B-But I’m your girlfriend! I...I can’t h-help but worry...” I’m crying now. Even though neither of us has officially popped the question to the other, I asserted myself as his girlfriend...Lilly and Hisao have really rubbed off on me.

Speaking of, both of them look at a loss for words. There’s a long moment of silence. Tears still run down my cheeks, and I struggle to keep my composure. Lilly’s started sniffling, which is something I’ve only heard a handful of times.

To my surprise, Hisao smiles warmly.

“You’re right, Hanako. You are my girlfriend. And...” He slowly slips his arms around me. “It means the world to me that you care...I just don’t want my condition to...dominate my life.”

His honesty is comforting. I clutch his shirt tightly and bury my head under his chin.

“I d-don’t know what I’d do...I-If...I-if I...” My throat is choking up. These words feel like cement in my throat. Trying to speak them is like breathing underwater. “If I...l-lost you...”

Tears break through the floodgates that are my eyes, and I sob loudly into his chest. His arms are tighter around me, and whatever words he whispers to me are lost through his own quietness and my loud sobs. Sweet nothings, most likely...Of the words he speaks, I can make out just four.

“I love you, Hanako...”

*~*~*

“It was just a trip to the mall.” says Lilly.

“Then we didn’t really miss much.” Their voices are somewhat hard to make out from the bathroom, where I supposed to be ‘cleaning up’. I think that only applies to those who cake their faces with makeup, honestly. I have no eyeliner that’s smudged, nor blush that’s dripping down my cheeks. A wet cloth to my eyes is all I need to remove the feeling of dried tears.

“Mm. It seems...For the best that we didn’t make it into town.”

“What stores would have been open so late at night, anyway?”

“Just...The bar.”

I’m kind of glad we didn’t get into town, then.

“Just a trip to the mall indeed.” Hisao’s tone is playfully sarcastic. It tugs my lips up a little into a smile. Just a small one. It’s quickly taken away when my mind returns to the thoughts of seeing Hisao doubled over as he was. It’s odd...To feel so much unbearable concern. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack...Which is ironic when I think about it.

I walk back to the living room, my nightgown pristine from the recent load of laundry. My left hand is clasped lightly on my right arm, just above my elbow. I manage a tiny smile to my two companions.

“Hey, Hanako. Feeling better?” asks Hisao. I nod lightly.

“I...I t-think it’s time f...f-for bed. F-for me...Anyway...” I say, my voice just barely above a whisper.

“I think we’d all best be off to bed. It’s been an emotional evening, certainly.” says Lilly. Hisao stands and begins to walk towards me. He gives me a soft hug which I return instantly.

“If it’s all the same to the both of you...I think I will sleep with music tonight.” say Lilly.

What seems like a passing comment at first suddenly brings with it a deeper meaning as Hisao and I start to the bedroom. I look back to Lilly to see the cord stretching up into her ears, ending in small buds. On the opposite end of the cord is a compact electronic device, which I’ve never seen Lilly use before. On closer inspection, it seems much more stylized for Akira than Lilly...

More importantly, it means she will be none the wiser to anything around her. I’d never imagined Lilly to be one to listen to a lot of music for that simple reason...So, I can only draw one conclusion from it: She’s anticipating something to happen between Hisao and me tonight.

I have no time to think about it anymore. The soft click of the door behind me signifies that I’m alone in the bedroom with Hisao...

Warning: The following scene is 18+.

“I’m sorry.” says Hisao from behind me as his arms loop around my waist.

“I...It’s...all right.”

“I really do love you, Hanako. And I don’t want my condition to come between us...So I promise I’ll be more careful, all right?” I doubt it’s really something he can control very much, but the sentiment is sweet all the same. Enough to earn a small blush and smile from me.

“Th..Thank you..”

He turns me in his arms, pausing to look into my eyes for a moment before he leans in to capture my lips with his own. I return the kiss without hesitation and rest my hands on his chest. The kiss lingers; Hisao’s tongue brushes against my lips. I tentatively move my tongue to meet his, whereupon they brush together shyly like our hands do over the other’s body.

“H...Hisao...” I can barely whisper to him. I’ve lost all feeling in my legs, but I manage to stay standing. I close my eyes as he slips my nightgown off my shoulders. It falls to the floor, leaving me standing in my underwear. I press against him again for a few moments before I wander to the bed on stiff legs. He follows close behind as he fiddles with the buttons on his shirt. He is in nothing but his underwear when he crawls on top of me. The warmth of his body is a welcome sensation.

This time is different. This time...There’s no ulterior motive. It is only our love that drives us together this evening. I close my eyes and whisper my affection to him, which he returns following a kiss.

His hands slide to my back, which I arch for him. He pops my bra off and slides it off my arms, leaving my chest exposed. His lips brush the tender flesh of my breast, causing another shudder to shoot through my body. The sensations that I feel from his lightest touch are so strong that I can only bite my lower lip to stifle the moans that long to echo from my throat.

His lips and tongue dance around my bare breasts, slowly increasing the fervour that is shared between us until he reaches between my legs to caress my heated womanhood through one of the last barriers that stand between the consummation of our love. A gentle rub is all he requires to determine that I’m quite aroused.

He removes my panties, and then his boxers. I steal a glance at his erect member, blushing at the sight instantly. I’ve seen it once before, but I’m in no way used to it...The sight brings a thought to my mind.

“A..Am..I...Y-Your f-first?” He looks to me and smiles.

“This would be my second time with you. But yeah, you’re the only one I’ve ever...made love to.” He leans down and brushes his nose against mine. I smile and return the small gesture.

“I..I’m glad.”

He presses his lips to mine for a slow, but brief kiss. His warmth leaves me, and my body shrinks from the unwelcome cold. He reaches into his bag next to the bed and pulls out a foil square, just as he did last time. It makes me happy that protection is a non-issue. My heart twists and pulls in longing while he fumbles with the packaging, and then putting on the sheath of rubber. Every second feels like an eternity as I wait for him.

When he does lay atop me once more, I gingerly slip my arms around him and spread my legs wide. He slides his hands under my shoulder blades and then curls his fingers around my shoulders for leverage.

“I..I l-love you, H-Hisao.”

“I love you too, Hanako.”

My mind goes blank upon his entrance. My lips part and I inhale sharply as the feeling of being penetrated consumes me. It is far less painful than last time. He gives me time to adjust to him, then begins sliding in and out of me. I cannot control my moans any longer, and they resonate from my lips with each movement he makes. His breathing speeds up in line with his pace; a small part of me is still concerned about him, even though this should be a time free of all worldly concern.

I try to voice my concerns about him not pushing himself too hard, but my body betrays me and the pleasure that beats through me like a pulse easily chokes off any hope of speaking, replacing it with moans that serve only to make Hisao’s movements more passionate. Suddenly, I feel the vaguely familiar feeling building inside my nether region.

Each thrust causes it to build, becoming stronger and stronger until...

“H...Hi...H-Hisao!” I cry his name as my mind goes white in climax. I hear him cry mine as well.

When my senses return to me, Hisao is laying beside me. Both of us are on our sides, breathing heavily. Our bodies are still linked, and our arms around one another. I press my head under his chin, and hear something I’d never listened to before: his heartbeat.

His heart beats regularly. That simple fact brings a wash of relief. His hand begins moving through my hair. I pull my head back a bit so I can look up at him. He smiles and brushes his hand across my cheek.

“You’re very soft.”

“I..u-use a very gentle s-shampoo..” He smirks.

“Your hair is soft, too, yeah.”

I blush when I realize what he means and stick my head under his to hide it. He chuckles and pulls me against him. His words were said in jest, but they started me on a train of thought. He was, at first, like everyone else. They’d see my scars and then look away awkwardly, as if it is taboo to see them. But now...He looks me straight in the eye with an unwavering gaze. And when he does see my scars, his expression never changes.

It’s comforting to know that he has become comfortable with them, but something about the thought is still concerning. I can’t pinpoint what, exactly, but I push the thought to the back of my mind.

Right now, I am with my lover, and I am happy.

“I love you, Hanako.”

“I lo-love you too, H-Hisao.”

...I’ll say that without stuttering...some day.

Back to chapter index.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Guest Poster » Sat Aug 18, 2012 7:20 pm

Was that a mini-heart attack like in Lilly's route or was he just out of breath? Cause I recall that event in Lilly's route was due to Hisao having forgotten to take his medication twice in a row.
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Sat Aug 18, 2012 10:32 pm

Guest Poster wrote:Was that a mini-heart attack like in Lilly's route or was he just out of breath? Cause I recall that event in Lilly's route was due to Hisao having forgotten to take his medication twice in a row.
That's the idea. I'm continuing Hanako's route to the game, and my logic is that Lilly would still propose to go to Hokkaido, and the long walk would still make Hisao out of breath and give his heart something to complain about. However, since Hanako reminded him about his medication, it was less severe. Right now the story is still in the game's timeline, but once I reach the end of Lilly's route chronologically, I'll be a bit more free in what I do with the story.

Not to say that I couldn't have just tossed the whole idea about them traveling to Hokkaido. I just think it is more coherent if they stick to the events that we know occur in the Katawa Shoujo universe at some point.
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Brogurt » Sat Aug 18, 2012 10:34 pm

Time for some... hmm, what do you guys call it? Critique? Constructive criticisms? Regardless, I call it bitching. ♥
Contains mature content
surprise spoiled
>all these ellipses
Maybe this is just me who thinks this way, but people who stutter and pause don't have to have pauses in their thought processes as well.
I give him my typical demure smile
Demure doesn't sound like something someone would describe their own smile as. People might describe something they do themselves by how much effort they put into it or something like that, but not how it looks to others.
like that.” I say
this should be a comma, not a period
My throat is choking up. These words feel like cement in my throat. Trying to speak them is like breathing underwater.
It looks like you described the same phenomenon in three different ways.

Just an update, I am noticing that the 2nd and 4th points have been recurring. Obviously the ellipses thing is just preference, but you really should fix the periods.

As for the sexytime:
It is only our love that drives us together this evening.
I've made this complaint in regard to a different fic before, but if a party has to mentally make the point in his or her head "this time is so much better than our first time", then it doesn't display much confidence that such is actually the case. As if she's just trying to convince herself through rote, but not as drastic.

And even then, this fic lacks that clear-cut sexual consent that you would expect from such a lovey-dovey affair. You might think that this conflicts with my previous point about proving if the second time is actually better than the first, but consent can be expressed verbally without drawing too much attention to it. I want to tell you to write it in as if it were an afterthought, but I don't know if that would send the right message about the purpose of it being present.
I tentatively move my tongue to meet his, whereupon they brush together shyly
Tentatively, brush, and shyly all get the same message across.
“This would be my second time with you. But yeah, you’re the only one I’ve ever...made love to.”
Odd time to mention it, but this line made me realize that Hisao has kinda been acting like a Marty Stu so far. I was expecting him to be like "Oh Hanako my love I only have eyes for you" but instead he said it in a pretty insecure manner, compliant with the uneasiness one would expect from the "second time". But then that uneasiness appears to vanish rather shortly afterwards.
>I love you I love you I love you I love you
Kinda loses it's meaning when it's said so often.
My lips part and I inhale sharply as the feeling of being penetrated consumes me
oh u
I feel the vaguely familiar feeling building inside my nether region
This reminds me of another thing I read once where the protagonist described the approaching climax as having a familiar feeling, even though you were supposed to assume he was a virgin prior. The only acceptable solutions then were that he has masturbated before, or that it was just a cue for him to want to pull out (the writing technically did have him being cognizant of plenty of other things that he realistically shouldn't have been). The scenario you've written is slightly different, but it still raises a question. Is this supposed to imply that Hanako actually came the first time, that she almost came the first time, or that she had masturbated before? Maybe it's not important to the immediate story, but if you're (possibly) rewriting dubious canon, you might want to make it so that your reader knows exactly what to believe.
>Hisao on top again
See, nearly every single Hanako-post-good-end-whatever has had Hanako on top for the happy secks. This is for a number of reasons, but your doing it straddles the line between what could realistically happen in an awkward second encounter and the fairy-tale thing that I've been ragging on you for. This leaves me confused; is it for the former reason, the latter, or something else entirely?
something about the thought is still concerning. I can’t pinpoint what, exactly, but I push the thought to the back of my mind.
This better fucking be important later on.

And besides that, I'm seeing several scenarios I've already seen or heard of before. I know that everything is derivative, but try to spice things up.


Still, pretty cool.

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:13 pm

Brogurt wrote:Time for some... hmm, what do you guys call it? Critique? Constructive criticisms? Regardless, I call it bitching. ♥

-Snipped for epic largeness-

Still, pretty cool.
I very much appreciate the critique.~ I've gotten used to having thick skin, being a writer and all. I'm pretty sure anyone who gets too attached to their writing - to the point of not accepting criticism with an open mind - will never be worth their salt, but that's just my modest opinion.

All right, time to rebut.

The spoiler with the 'contains mature content' was to save myself from mod wrath. I don't know what the ruling is on that sort of thing so I played it on the safe side. If nobody cares, I'll gladly remove it to keep it more suspenseful.

Ellipses, I know, used a lot. This is, I've noticed, a bad habit of mine whilst I write in Hanako's cannon mindset and whatnot. I'll try to tone it down as best I can. That said, I do think that there would be some pauses for thought, perhaps even more frequently for Hanako because she is more reserved.

Demure is a word that I seldom use, since it's so specific. My rationale is that Hanako is strongly introverted, so her inner monologue would have a lot of words to describe herself that would otherwise be absent from a character's stream of consciousness. Besides, there has to be some place to put my pretty English. >_>

The period at the end of dialogue is, again, a bad habit. I started writing stories before I even knew how to write an essay properly, so there are a few kinks I definitely need to work out. Maybe I'll stick a post-it note to my computer screen that reads: "USE A COMMA, WOMAN!"

The repetition of phrases in different ways is my poetic side coming out. Another bad habit. Will work on it, I promise. <3

I didn't put much thought into the 'this time is so much better...' line. It sort of came out of my stream of consciousness and it didn't exactly sound wrong when I did my polishing. That said, I'll keep it in mind.

Next point about repetition, see previous point about repetition. >_>

Hisao has never struck me as a character to be that mushy. Internally, he certainly has a lot of that romantic, rose-between-lips personality, but he never manages to say much in that regard. My grasp on Hisao's character, admittedly, isn't as strong as I'd like. But he changes from arc to arc, so I don't think that's too hard to sympathize with. I did play through all of Hanako's arc again prior to writing anything, so it might just be that I'm bad at writing male characters. Regardless, will think about and work on. :D

The I love you thing is a recurring theme. I'm using it more as a gauge for Hanako's comfort level with their relationship. Notice she's getting less stutter-y about it? Also: "...I’ll say that without stuttering...some day." Subtle, but some food for thought.

oh me? :3

My logic: Hanako's eighteen. She had sex with Hisao, so I assume there has to be some sort of knowledge about those feelings. KS is ambiguous about whether or not Hanako came during their first time, so I just assumed she'd gotten somewhere close at some point in her life.

My reasoning for Hisao on top: Hanako is submissive, mostly because of her shyness. I see the fact that Hanako was on bottom in her arc and Lilly was on top [Mostly] in her arc as subtle statements about their characters. Also: I don't really think this second encounter would be so awkward. Yes, there were some murky ulterior motives for their first time, but they've come to terms with that, no? And they also came to terms with their relationship in this particular chapter. So the only thing making them nervous is their own nervousness, I'd say. But, again, you do raise an interesting point and I'll consider your opinion for any future sexytimes.

And as for that little jab of foreshadowing: The story is called 'Behind my scars'. Yes, it's going to be important later on. :P An actual spoiler for once: Likely in the next chapter. At least, some build on it. Hanako may be with Hisao, but that doesn't make her scars a non-issue for her. Comfort level raised, yes. Forgot they're there? Not likely.


I know I'm stuck in familiar territory, but it's coming to an end soon, I promise! I hope I've given some insight into my views, and I'd like it if you could share your thoughts on my thoughts. That whole meta-cognition thing works best with fresh views, and I'd be more than happy to have my logical fallacies pointed out. God knows I'll never find them >_>

Okay. Uber long post, and kind of jumbled...But I hope you're enjoying it so far! :D
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Guest Poster » Sun Aug 19, 2012 5:53 pm

I've made this complaint in regard to a different fic before, but if a party has to mentally make the point in his or her head "this time is so much better than our first time", then it doesn't display much confidence that such is actually the case. As if she's just trying to convince herself through rote, but not as drastic.
Rather than one of the parties involved "making the point in his/her head", I got the impression it was just a fleeting thought. If you experience something for the second time, a comparison with the first time (especially if the first time was kind of an epic fail for several reasons) is hardly illogical.
And even then, this fic lacks that clear-cut sexual consent that you would expect from such a lovey-dovey affair. You might think that this conflicts with my previous point about proving if the second time is actually better than the first, but consent can be expressed verbally without drawing too much attention to it. I want to tell you to write it in as if it were an afterthought, but I don't know if that would send the right message about the purpose of it being present.
I got the impression that the non-verbal consent was clear-cut enough to make a potentially awkward "shall we have penetrative sex?" followed by a verbal confirmation unneccessary.
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Sun Aug 19, 2012 9:34 pm

Guest Poster wrote: ...

Rather than one of the parties involved "making the point in his/her head", I got the impression it was just a fleeting thought. If you experience something for the second time, a comparison with the first time (especially if the first time was kind of an epic fail for several reasons) is hardly illogical.

...

I got the impression that the non-verbal consent was clear-cut enough to make a potentially awkward "shall we have penetrative sex?" followed by a verbal confirmation unnecessary.
Interesting to see two different sides of this. Personally, I felt verbal consent between the two was unnecessary. They seem to be able to pick up on the emotions of one another easily enough.

I'm very happy that people are reading my story.~ And I'll try to have the next chapter up tomorrow. Today was a bit hectic, so there was no writing, unfortunately. >_> Sundays are usually lazy. I like lazy. Why couldn't today be lazy? D:<
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Brogurt » Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:35 pm

The spoiler with the 'contains mature content' was to save myself from mod wrath.
KS itself is adult content, and I've never seen anyone punished for not designating their fanfiction as the same thing. Besides, you had your warning in the story itself, just like I've done before, and that serves the same purpose.
That said, I do think that there would be some pauses for thought, perhaps even more frequently for Hanako because she is more reserved.
This is something I don't get, and instead of using my own words, let me use yours.
My rationale is that Hanako is strongly introverted, so her inner monologue would have a lot of words to describe herself that would otherwise be absent from a character's stream of consciousness.
Since Hanako is KS's resident bookworm/antisocial nerd, it makes enough sense that she'd have an expanded vocabulary, and may well be quite eloquent... in her own head. The stuttering can be inferred to have resulted from social anxiety, not mental incapability. But the problem I had with the usage of the word demure was that it comes off more as a reaction than an intention. I wouldn't put it past her to use such a word, but not in this context.
I didn't put much thought into the 'this time is so much better...' line. It sort of came out of my stream of consciousness and it didn't exactly sound wrong when I did my polishing. That said, I'll keep it in mind.
I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it if I were you, but it's just that I'd prefer to keep the bad thoughts associated with that time separate from the good thoughts associated with this time.
The I love you thing is a recurring theme. I'm using it more as a gauge for Hanako's comfort level with their relationship.
Gauging the relationship three times in one chapter seems like a bit much.
oh me? :3
I like me some double entendre and I kinda hope now that it wasn't intentional; it might even be funnier that way
My reasoning for Hisao on top: Hanako is submissive, mostly because of her shyness. I see the fact that Hanako was on bottom in her arc and Lilly was on top [Mostly] in her arc as subtle statements about their characters.
Obviously, but with Hanako on top, doing the movements and whatnot, it's made pretty damn clear that she wants it, and -by extension- that she's more of her own person with wants and needs of her own, instead of a subordinate who gives into the desires of others. I know this was one of the reasons I put her on top at one point, and maybe some of the other writers thought the same thing.
but they've come to terms with that, no?
Maybe this would be easier for me to believe if I actually saw more conflict that might result in them getting to this point. Regardless of how good you may think the park confession was, these things don't happen overnight. I won't deny that they could have come to terms in the time between then and the summer trip, but it would have helped to have seen it happen.
The story is called 'Behind my scars'. Yes, it's going to be important later on. :P
Yes, and it's not capitalized as a title should be.
I know I'm stuck in familiar territory, but it's coming to an end soon, I promise!
I sincerely hope that the "familiar territory" is what's coming to an end, and not the story itself.

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Mon Aug 20, 2012 10:55 pm

Brogurt wrote:
KS itself is adult content, and I've never seen anyone punished for not designating their fanfiction as the same thing. Besides, you had your warning in the story itself, just like I've done before, and that serves the same purpose.
Duly noted. Will remove off the front. >_>
This is something I don't get, and instead of using my own words, let me use yours.
My rationale is that Hanako is strongly introverted, so her inner monologue would have a lot of words to describe herself that would otherwise be absent from a character's stream of consciousness.
Since Hanako is KS's resident bookworm/antisocial nerd, it makes enough sense that she'd have an expanded vocabulary, and may well be quite eloquent... in her own head. The stuttering can be inferred to have resulted from social anxiety, not mental incapability. But the problem I had with the usage of the word demure was that it comes off more as a reaction than an intention. I wouldn't put it past her to use such a word, but not in this context.
Makes sense. I'll try to use it more sparingly.
I didn't put much thought into the 'this time is so much better...' line. It sort of came out of my stream of consciousness and it didn't exactly sound wrong when I did my polishing. That said, I'll keep it in mind.
I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it if I were you, but it's just that I'd prefer to keep the bad thoughts associated with that time separate from the good thoughts associated with this time.
It slipped my mind at first, but this line was referring to the fact that Hanako had no hymen to break this time. >_> But considering it slipped over my head, and I wrote it, I guess it didn't have the instant link I hoped it would.
Gauging the relationship three times in one chapter seems like a bit much.
I'll put more thought into how much they say it, and try to keep it in line with their relationship.
oh me? :3
I like me some double entendre and I kinda hope now that it wasn't intentional; it might even be funnier that way
It was unintentional. I still have no idea what you're on about. xD I'm not exactly trying to figure it out, but still.
My reasoning for Hisao on top: Hanako is submissive, mostly because of her shyness. I see the fact that Hanako was on bottom in her arc and Lilly was on top [Mostly] in her arc as subtle statements about their characters.
Obviously, but with Hanako on top, doing the movements and whatnot, it's made pretty damn clear that she wants it, and -by extension- that she's more of her own person with wants and needs of her own, instead of a subordinate who gives into the desires of others. I know this was one of the reasons I put her on top at one point, and maybe some of the other writers thought the same thing.
It was a bit early for that kind of leap in this chapter, I'd say. She'll get to that point eventually. It'll be worth the wait. ;D
but they've come to terms with that, no?
Maybe this would be easier for me to believe if I actually saw more conflict that might result in them getting to this point. Regardless of how good you may think the park confession was, these things don't happen overnight. I won't deny that they could have come to terms in the time between then and the summer trip, but it would have helped to have seen it happen.
Point taken. If nothing else, you're giving me more ideas about future relationship issues for them to address. >_>
The story is called 'Behind my scars'. Yes, it's going to be important later on. :P
Yes, and it's not capitalized as a title should be.
...I knew that. I was just testing you. You pass. A+.
I know I'm stuck in familiar territory, but it's coming to an end soon, I promise!
I sincerely hope that the "familiar territory" is what's coming to an end, and not the story itself.
[/quote]

It is. And I'll take the last part as confirmation that you're at least somewhat enjoying the story. :P

Speaking of, I need to get started on the next chapter. Urgh. Too many people have been interfering with it as of late. D:<
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 4]

Post by Sapphire » Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:52 pm

I apologize for anyone who's been wondering what's happened to this story, or believed that it went dead - because it didn't! I've lost consistant internet access, and I've run into some personal issues that I won't bore everyone with, so I won't be able to update for some time.

When I DO get back online, I'll be sure to have the next chapter (or two...or three...depending on how long I'm away) ready for my return. I apologize for having started this and leaving it where it is for the time being (though, it could have ended on a cliffhanger and made the wait agonizing) but I WILL get back to it when my life stops slapping me in the face.

Thank you, to all my readers.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 5]

Post by Sapphire » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:04 am

~Behind my Scars, Chapter 5: What am I doing?

It’s been two days since Hisao’s accident. We’ve since returned from Hokkaido, and class is back in session at Yamaku. I debated going to school today. My body screamed a negative response at me. Between the trauma of seeing Hisao nearly have a heart attack, the walking, and...That...I was far from in the mood. But here I am in class. Mutou is lecturing the class on interactions between chemical functional groups.

But I have already read the text far past this chapter, so I find myself staring. Staring at the brown hair that covers the back of his head. Misha is signing next to him for Shizune, and Shizune occasionally signs something ba–

“WAHAHAHAHA~!”

Well, if I wasn’t awake before, I am now. Misha’s way-too-loud laughter makes Mutou screech his chalk down the chalk board, as if Misha’s laughter wasn’t damaging enough to the eardrums. Our esteemed teacher turns around. Slowly, he lifts his gaze to meet Misha, who has all-too-late remembered that being loud - during a lecture no less - is generally frowned upon.

“Must I even say it, Mikado?”

“N-No! I’m sorry! It won’t happen again!” Misha protests. Though the look on Mutou’s face says quite clearly that he believes Misha never laughing again is about as likely as Helium reacting with Iron. And though I would normally think that such an outburst in class is pointless and annoying, I catch a glimpse of Hisao’s eyes, and he takes note. He turns slightly in his seat to smile back at me. A cool smile. One that just says “Hey, Hanako, I’m glad you’re here”. And that alone makes all the fuss worth it. A smile stays on my lips, even without my conscious effort, and it stays even after he looks away.

It’s not until I look down at the paper of my notebook and see dozens of hearts subconsciously - and badly - drawn across my page that my smile fades into an expression of confusion.

Ugh...What am I doing?

~*~*~

As I lay in Hisao’s lap, staring out my window at the moon, I can’t help but remember the night Hisao and I shared in Hokkaido. Granted, it wouldn’t be hard to repeat that same night right now. We’re alone. It’s late enough that everyone is asleep. And yet I can’t sleep. That’s part of the reason we’re simply enjoying one another’s silent company. I can’t sleep because my thoughts are raging. But they aren’t bashfully racing about what I’d like. I’d love to think about the way he holds me. The way he comforts me. The way he smiles at me. But I’m not. I’m thinking about something I pushed to the back of my mind on that same night we made love for the second time.

He’s not affected by the sight of my scars anymore. And at first, that was such a relief. I was happy that he didn’t notice them anymore. But I still catch people in the hall staring at them, then looking away awkwardly as if to pretend they weren’t. But he doesn’t. And that’s ironically what bothers me. Because I don’t know why. Why don’t they bother him? What is it that makes them suddenly invisible? I want it to stay that way, obviously, but I want to know why. Maybe then I’ll be able to change the way I interact with people somehow, and they, too, will stop looking at the accursed lines on my face and right hand.

I sit up and look at Hisao directly. He looks back with slight concern, and a tilt of his head. I no doubt look pretty troubled. I feel troubled.

“H-Hisao...Why don’t you, er...” It’s difficult to ask the question outright.

“Why don’t I?...”

“W-Why don’t you see my scars?”

“Your scars?” Hisao takes a moment to think. He seems puzzled, which raises my anxiety even more. Did I not word it correctly? “Of course I see them...Er, I mean, since I am closer to you than most people I see you up close a lot and–”

“No, no, no...I mean...Why don’t they matter?”

“Well, they do matter. They’re part of you, you know? But that’s just it. They’re part of you, and you’re my girlfriend. All of you.”

“B-But...” Could you give an answer more vague than that? “Don’t they...g-gross you out?”

“What?” Hisao looks dumbfounded, and chuckles a little. That stings a little. “Hey, you should know better,” He adds, then wraps his arms around me. That soothes things a little. “I could never...Never look at you with any sort of disgust. You’re beautiful, Hanako.”

“You’re beautiful, Hanako.”

“You’re BEAUTIFUL, Hanako.”

Words I thought I’d never hear; they ring in my ears like a chorus of angels. I cling to his uniform, and press my face into his shoulder. I’m not crying. I’m smiling. And my smile only widens when he rubs my back, and allows me to bathe in his warmth.

Now...I bet I can sleep pretty well.

~*~*~

“How is your tea, Hanako?” asks Lilly.

“It’s o-okay. I c-can’t complain; Yuuko must be really busy,” I say.

“Yeah, I second that. She must not have steeped the tea long enough,” Hisao says, then takes another sip of his tea. “Yeah,” He makes a rather unpleasant face, “Just a bit watery. But you can hardly blame the poor girl. She’ll have to start putting customers on a waiting list if this keeps up.”

Hisao isn’t exaggerating. This is the busiest I’ve ever seen the Shanghai. There must be some two or three tables not occupied. And it’s really noisy. I can tell a few of the patrons are a bit tipsy, too. There’s a lingering scent of alcohol in the air. I don’t think the Shanghai even has an alcohol menu. Not that I’ve ever asked, but it just seems classier than that. Still, a patron stumbles and knocks over an unoccupied chair on his way to the rest room. He shakily stands himself back up, attempts to right the chair, only to have it topple over again. I sigh softly into my watery tea and take another sip.

“I get the sense you’re not comfortable here, Hanako,” Lilly says in a tone that suggests she isn’t particularly pleased either.

“A-Ah...I d-don’t mind staying if y-you guys w-want to.”

“Mm...I don’t, really. Hisao?”

“I’m not really liking the noise level,” says Hisao, bordering on shouting by this point. And with that, the other two stand up, and I follow in turn. Lilly has her cane handy, and Hisao fishes in his wallet for some money to cover the bill. The sounds of rustling paper and clanking coins perks Lilly’s attention. She smiles warmly in Hisao’s general direction.

“Very kind of you, to pay for your girlfriend and the third wheel,” Lilly says with a playful smile painted across her lips. I blush a bit and Hisao simply chuckles. As we walk out of the bar, I slide to Hisao and loop my arm around his, sticking close to him. He smiles and pulls his arm tight. My cheeks burn and my lips defy gravity in the strongest of ways.

“You know you’re always welcome around, even though Hanako and I are dating; I wouldn’t dream of coming between you two.”

“Of course,” says Lilly with a light giggle, “I just can’t help but tease you both. I’d say you two look good together, but I’m not sure how much that would mean coming from me.”

Something about that comment made a sick feeling rise in my gut. It isn’t like Lilly to play off her own blindness. Sure, she’s very polite when other people step on that landmine, but I don’t recall her ever doing it to herself...At least, not so outright, if at all. Hisao manages to force a laugh, but that’s the last thing I would want to do for a comment like that.

The streets on our way back to Yamaku aren’t pleasant. There must be some sort of tour going through town, or something of that ilk. There are far too many people in town, and I couldn’t point out a familiar face even if I was making eye contact.

Just as I repeat the phrase ‘I want to go home’ for the thousandth time in my head, I hear a shrill cry, and immediately look to my side to see Lilly on the ground, and some drunkard stumbling forward.

“Lilly!” I cry as I rush to her side, with Hisao not far behind. She fell on her back, and it doesn’t seem that she hit her head. That much I can be thankful for.

“Aayyyy! Watch war yer goin’, toots,” blabbers the drunkard, “I coulda spilled my bee– uh, my soda here, ya see?” The man lifts his drink, visibly spilling some onto himself from the ‘soda’ bottle, which even went so far as to have a soda brand label plastered over it. “Annn you dun wanna go buyin’ me ‘nother one, eh? Yer probably not even of age tuh buy soda, ehahahaha!”

As the man turns to walk away, I see Hisao stand, looking visibly enraged. After helping Lilly up, I move over to Hisao - who is a few steps away at this point - and grab hold of his arm. My heart is pounding, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

“Please, let’s just get out of here, Hisao. Please,” I say, my voice cracking as I do.

“Ehhh?” The man turns around, and I flush white. He gazes directly at me, and my knees start to feel weak. The scent of alcohol is so thick on him that it is absolutely putrid. He looks confused for a second and then leans in a bit closer, though he is a good three feet back as is, and squints with those bloodshot eyes of his...Right at my face. I instinctively put up my hand to hide the right side of my face, but it’s too late.

The man starts laughing.

“Pffffffthahahahaa! The HELL is wrong wit’ your face, girl? Ya look like you done ate a matchbook while it was still lit!”

Before I even have the thought to start crying, the man is on the ground. My vision is hazy, but I see Hisao standing over the man with his fist clenched tightly. Were my hearing not ringing from the anxiety that’s overcome me, I’d be able to understand the things Hisao is shouting at the man...But part of me is glad that I can’t.

Why? Why did this have to happen? Today was such a good day, and now I just want to hide in my room. Hide and never come out. That way people don’t have to look at me. Don’t have to say hurtful things. Make hurtful gazes. I stumble back a bit, and I see Lilly trying desperately to restrain Hisao, despite not having her cane on her. My tears are flowing and I’m frozen. It makes me all the more frustrated that I can’t do anything. I collapse to my knees just as some other bystanders join in the tussle and bring Hisao away. Lilly’s cane was brought back to her by someone, and Hisao finally manages to calm down enough to walk away.

Next thing I know, I’m in his arms, and off the ground. He’s carrying me bridal style, and my face is pressed firmly against his chest. I can’t stop myself from crying, and before long, the world around me becomes still.

No, I’m still moving. But I hear nothing. My eyes are tightly clenched. The only sound is that of my own sobbing. My only feeling is the involuntary shakes my body makes from this overwhelming feeling of...What, exactly? Insecurity? Not belonging? The pain from those memories? Or maybe just all of the above? Just thinking about simple things makes my head pound right now; these raging thoughts about everything that’s just happened are painful emotionally and physically. So much so, that I cannot help but allow it to consume me, and with it I drift into a mental purgatory. And there’s only one thought that I can manage as I think about this. About school, life, and Hisao...

Just...What am I doing?
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my Scars [Updated to: Chapter 5]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:51 am

Hmm...
First of all I can't imagine a scene like that happening anywhere in Japan.
But even if it did, Hisao's reaction is way out of character for him.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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