Behind my Scars [Updated to: Chapter 6]

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Sapphire
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 1]

Post by Sapphire » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:54 pm

DaGarver wrote:This is good stuff so far. Short, sweet. I like it.

Question: It's implied that the opening part of the chapter takes place right at the end of Hanako's finale CG. Isn't that their actual first kiss? Your opening sentence says otherwise, but I think the canon is that it's the first one.
First, thank you for your praise. Always welcome and appreciated.~ ^^

To answer your question, mouse over the mysterious black spoiler tag and reveal the treasure of words within. *Cue music that reminisces of discovering treasure, a la Legend of Zelda*

From Katawa Shoujo; in the chapter 'whispered touch': "Her lips are open, just a little. She lets out sharp breaths as, without thinking, I breathlessly lean forwards and press my lips to hers. The kiss only lasts for a fleeting moment . . . etc"

Whether or not that qualifies as a 'real' kiss, meaning one of love, rather than lust, is subjective, I'd say.


DaGarver wrote: There have been a few who have written scenes from Hanako's point of view (myself, Guest, and that guy, at minimum), but never a full epilogue from her perspective.
Well then. Huzzah for me! :D

P.s., Chapter 2 is in progress. Will be posted within the next hour or two...Assuming nothing comes out of my closet to devour me.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 1]

Post by Guest Poster » Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:08 pm

Hisao and Hanako kiss at least once (I believe more than once actually) during their first sexual experience. But those kisses were like the sex itself...awkward and physical. The ending CG kiss is their first kiss that carries actual emotional value.

And yeah, some fanfics have some scenes from Hanako's POV. My own fanfic switches POVs between Hanako, Hisao and Lilly, so it's not Hana-exclusive. There's a bad-end-Hanako fanfic out there from Hanako's POV, I believe, but most good-end epilogues are still from Hisao's perspective.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

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Sapphire
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 2]

Post by Sapphire » Tue Aug 14, 2012 6:10 pm

~Behind my scars, ch.2: It’s called a relationship.


I was having a pleasant dream. But now I’m awake, and my eyes remain shut as I try to get back to that dream. In my dream, I was relaxing in bed with Hisao, and his arms were...Wait. That wasn’t my dream. He is here. And he is holding me. That dream pales in comparison now.

My eyes slowly creek open and, as I knew I would, I see Hisao, up close and personal. He is still asleep, if his eyes are any indication. I don’t mind. I enjoy just...Being here. The silence doesn’t last long, though. Hisao’s eyelids crack, and he opens them fully when my hand moves from his chest to his cheek. The smile that comes to his lips is infectious.

“G-Good morning, Hisao.”

“‘Morning, Hanako.” His voice is tired.

“D...Did you sleep well?”

“Better than I have in a long time.” His smile widens and he brushes the back of his fingers against my cheek. The soft feeling is soothing and could easily put me back to sleep if I wasn’t so full of life after seeing him first thing when I woke up. I...I could get used to that.

“I’m glad.” Is all I can say in reply. Kind of pathetic, really. But his presence alone makes me weak, and I have trouble thinking at times. I suppose it was better than just letting the air hang awkwardly; I get the feeling he doesn’t like that.

I’m taken off guard when his lips capture mine. I want to throw my arms around him and pull us together so tightly that we become forever conjoined. But I don’t. I just close my eyes and kiss back meekly as shivers run down my body. I would blame this feeling of being frozen in place on the fact that it’s so early in the morning, but truthfully I’m not used to the simple act of kissing yet. I still feel like someone is always watching; judging; perhaps even laughing.

When Hisao’s lips leave mine, the longing for them to return is quick. I slide my arms around him and pull myself against him with enough strength to surprise myself.

“H..Hanako?” His voice passing into my senses is enough to make me break. I burst out into tears and soft sobs while my hands slowly curl into the fabric of his uniform, which he apparently didn’t change out of last night before coming over.

“I-I..I l-love you, Hisao!” I sob. I manage a little composure from saying that. “I...I n-never want you to go...” I’m barely whispering by this point. His arms still around me, he whispers back into my ear.

“I love you too, Hanako. I promise I’m not going anywhere.” He makes a little distance between us, then brings his hand to my face. He caresses my cheek lightly; the calming feeling returns, and I manage to contain my tears after a soft sniffle. I must look like a wreck right now.

“I mean that metaphorically, of course,” he says with a bit of an apologetic look. “Because I do need to get back to my dorm. I, uh, kind of need to take my medication.”

His unsure smile and timid demeanour are cute. It’s reassuring to know he is nervous about all the changes in our relationship as well. This time, I’m the one to kiss him. That makes two times. When I pull back, I smile and nuzzle his nose with my eyes still closed.

“I’ll meet you in class.”

*~*~*

It’s actually in the hall leading up to class that I meet him. He waves lightly to me and I smile, walking up to him at a slightly brisker pace than normal. When we come face to face, though, there is trepidation in the air between us that makes us hesitate when we move to embrace one another. In my sudden boldness, I’d kissed Hisao in the middle of the street...But that wasn’t Yamaku. That wasn’t the school that we walk around every day. This is.

“Hey, Hanako.”

“H..H-Hi, Hisao..”

The halls are empty. Class will have already started, although only just. It took longer to get ready than I thought it would, with my mind wandering to thoughts of the man standing right in front of me.

“...Shall we?” He looks as unsure as I am. I would be okay with cutting class to spend time with him. Not because I want to make a habit of it, or because I enjoy being truant. Just...Facing the class’ inquiring eyes, and offhand comments, is not something I really want to put up with today. But I’d never make Hisao miss class on my account. Especially this class, since Mutou is his favourite teacher, who teaches his favourite subject.

“S...S-Sure.” I manage a demure, if reluctant, smile.

We begin to the classroom. It isn’t very far at all. Yet somehow, between where we were standing and the classroom door, Hisao works up the courage to take my hand in his. I nearly jump at the sensation, but shoot him a sincere smile at the gesture. When we get to the door of the class, though, my smile quickly drops.

“Wahahaha~! Look! They’re finally together!” Misha. I really, really wish that she had been absent today for student council duties. Shizune has a genuinely curious, plotting smile right next to her translating pinkette friend. Eyes from all over the class wander to Hisao and I. To our held hands.

“Atta’ boy, Hisao!” Adds Miki with a cheeky grin.

I feel nauseous. I am squeezing Hisao’s hand so tightly I think I may be cutting off his circulation. My eyes remain locked downward. I can’t bear to look out at the class. Why is this such a big deal? I don’t understand. My heart is racing. I want to cry.

Suddenly, a sharp thwap! emanates from the front of the class. It’s enough to make me jump and shoot my eyes forward again. Mutou slapped his metre stick against his desk. But...He doesn’t look angry. The entire class falls silent, and several students look visibly scared. Mutou clears his throat.

“I do believe I was talking, class.” His voice is authoritative and demanding, yet calm and in control. I think this is the first time I’ve seen him like this.

“As I was saying, buffers are compounds that are dissolved in a solution that will react with alkaline or acidic additives to neutralize them, thus preserving the pH of a solution. Blood, for example, is a buffered solution.”

Mutou continues his lecture as if we never showed up at the door. Taking our cue, Hisao and I release our hands and give each other a smile for reassurance that the other is okay, then move to our desks. Thankfully, nobody says a word for the remainder of class.

*~*~*

The bell rings to signify lunch. Neither Hisao or I move as the rest of the class shuffles out. I guess he isn’t ready to face the class after that, either. They won’t stay around long if we make it seem like we’re not moving.

“Class is over until after lunch, Nakai, Ikezawa.” We both nod.

“I know...Just don’t want to get caught in the congestion, that’s all.” says Hisao. It’s true, even if the reason for it is not wanting to confront the collective of students that now know about us. Mutou nods, then glances out in the hall.

“Looks clear.” We take the hint and stand, getting our things in order. “Though, if the students continue to bother you both about the little...Development, then feel free to talk to myself, or any other member of staff.” We both bow lightly to him and give thanks. “I don’t see why everyone gets so worked up. It’s called a relationship. They happen.” Adds Mutou as an afterthought.

I spend lunch, happily, with Hisao. I’ll have to tell Lilly about this after school...She is coming home tomorrow, after all.

-Ch 2, Fin.

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Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Tormound
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 2]

Post by Tormound » Tue Aug 14, 2012 7:07 pm

Another interesting and good read. Keep it up.

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 2]

Post by Sapphire » Tue Aug 14, 2012 9:56 pm

Tormound wrote:Another interesting and good read. Keep it up.
Thank you.~ I'll try to have Ch. 3 done for tomorrow.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 2]

Post by TheSongofRaven » Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:44 am

another good-writing story of Hanako story :) keep it up. I can't wait for next chapter
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 2]

Post by Sapphire » Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:53 am

TheSongofRaven wrote:another good-writing story of Hanako story :) keep it up. I can't wait for next chapter

Thanks for the praise, and I'm glad you're liking it thus far.~

I've just woken up, and put Hanako in my signature! so I'll get to work on the next chapter in the next few hours or so. I have dogs that need walking, and caffeine that needs consuming, then a chapter that needs writing...And somewhere in there, there is music that needs listening to.

It's good to keep priorities straight...Though I get the feeling my conviction for writing is a bit more consistent and timely than many fanfiction writers.

Maybe I'm just crazy like that. The good kind of crazy. Like...Emily the Strange kind of crazy. BWAHAHAHA-- Ahem. So, about that caffeine...
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Sapphire » Wed Aug 15, 2012 8:00 pm

~Behind my scars, Ch. 3: From Scotland to Hokkaido

“Is that one it?” I ask.

“Nah. The company colours are all wrong.” says Hisao.

I frown. Lilly’s been away for a week, and now that Hisao and I are at the airport, it feels like time is standing still. The last three planes weren’t carrying the precious cargo I’m waiting for, and if it doesn’t come soon...I’ll..I’ll...

“Hey! I think that’s it!” Hisao points up in the sky. The approaching mass of metal bears the correct company logo. I’ve never been made so happy by an emblem before. My eyes remain fixed on the plane as it comes in for landing, then shift to look past the glass doors of the entrance to scan the faces for my blind friend. Time passes, made all the more stale by what I'm expecting.

“Lilly!” I shout, louder than I expected myself to. As she and her sister walk away from the glass doors of the entrance, I run to meet them with Hisao in tow.

“Is that Hanako I hear?” Her answer is my arms around her. She returns the gesture without a second thought.

“I missed you..” I say.

“I missed you too, Hanako.” Her voice is gentle, but a hint of strain in it worries me.

“Are you all right?” she nods.

“Just a bit of jet lag.”

“A-all right...Well it’s the long weekend now, right? So..”

“Yes, my sleep will be a bit off for now, but it should be corrected in time for classes.”

Always doing her best to stay on top of her school and responsibilities. Admirable, through and through. I break away from Lilly and suffice to stand next to her.

“How was your trip?” asks Hisao.

“Oh, is that Hisao? Glad you could make it. My trip was refreshing, thank you.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t miss this. And your aunt?”

“She will be fine.” Lilly offers a sincere smile.

“Glad to hear it.”

“M-Me too...” I add. I didn’t mean to say it, just thinking out loud.

“Thank you both.”

“Hey! I had a great time, too, thanks for asking, guys!” says Akira.

Lilly giggles, and Hisao chuckles. I was worried we’d offended her until they did.

“Any plans for the holiday, Akira?” asks Hiaso.

“I do, actually. Got some plans with my boyfriend.” she smiles.

“And I have an idea for us, if neither of you are busy.” says Lilly to Hisao and me.

“I have no plans.” says Hisao.

“N-Neither do I.” I say.

“Splendid!” Lilly claps her hands together once to illustrate her excitement. “Then perhaps you’d like to join me to my family’s summer home?”

“Summer home? Where is that?” asks Hisao.

“Up north in Hokkaido. The place is practically deserted, so it should be a nice quiet break for you guys.” says Akira.

“Cool. We’ll be sure to keep it tidy.” says Hisao. Akira seems delighted that he did, too.

“Sweet. I thought you might have a problem with a little dusting; glad you’re a better sport than that!” Akira boasts an admittedly manly chuckle. She really doesn’t make an effort to ever be...girly...does she? “But anyway, I gotta get going. See ya in a few days, guys!”

“Already? Akira...” Lilly sighs when she hears her sister’s retreating footsteps.

“It does sound like it’ll be a nice place to go.” I say, trying to lighten the mood. It has the desired effect, and Lilly and Hisao offer me their usual smiles. Lilly goes to grab her bags, and I reflexively move to help. Before I can, Hisao cuts between me and the bag I was reaching for. I look at him, confused, and he just smiles at me.

“I got this.” says Hisao. I smile.

“You’re s-sweet..” I say. Lilly giggles.

“You two make a cute couple.”

I can tell my face is going to be red for most of the trip home.

*~*~*

The train ride here was insanely drone. I don’t think I’ve played so many games of cards in one sitting before...Which is probably because I don’t play cards often, but still!

The biggest challenge was subtly redirecting the conversation whenever it came anywhere near the relationship between Hisao and me. I shouldn’t be worried about the topic, but I feel like I want to sit down with Lilly and discuss everything...Well, maybe not that Hisao took my..

“It feels great to stretch my legs again.” says Hisao while stretching his arms up. He then picks up his luggage and the three of us walk off the train platform. It isn’t long before we reach the Satou’s summer home. Hisao looks like he wants to hold my hand, but I’ve been holding on to Lilly to help guide her. I shoot him a look of apology as we walk up to the door. Once inside, we take our bags to where they belong.

“I take it I’m sleeping out on the futon?” asks Hisao with a tinge of disappointment.

“I hope you don’t mind.” says Lilly apologetically. Hisao rubs the back of his head.

“I was kind of hoping I would...Uh...Have a place to cuddle with Hanako.”

My face had been normally coloured for a while. I was enjoying that.

“H-H-Hisao!” I protest. Lilly is taken off guard.

“Oh, I...I didn’t mean to offend.” says Lilly.

“L-Lilly, i-it’s o-okay...” I say.

“Nah, don’t sweat it, Lilly. I was just making a fuss.”

...I think Lilly finds his joke funnier than I do.

*~*~*

“Dinner’s on!” says Lilly, calling Hisao from the living room. I carry over the pot of cooked rice to the table and set it down in the centre of the three sets of silverware that outline each of our plates, which sit next to the small bowls for soup. I always have enjoyed cooking. Even just helping Lilly is enough to get my mind off things and have a little fun. Hisao dutifully comes in from the living room and takes his seat. Lilly brings in a pot of soup, and I go back into the kitchen to retrieve the platter of chicken breasts.
“Wow, looks great, girls.”

“Thank you, Hisao.” says Lilly.

“T-Thanks..” I say.

Lilly and I take our seats, and my companions help themselves. I wait until they have taken their share before I take mine. I don’t notice at first, but after a few minutes, it is clear that there is an awkward air around us. Everyone has something they want to say, but nobody is going to take the initiative.

It makes me consider the way I feel about being open with respect to my relationship with Hisao. It isn’t that I’m in any way ashamed...I love Hisao, even if I can’t say it without stuttering. Yet I can’t talk about it openly around anyone except Hisao...That doesn’t make anything wrong between us, does it?

“So, Hisao,” Oh no. Lilly’s curious. “How many people know so far?”

“Oh, uh,” He rubs the back of his head. “Funny you should ask that. There was a bit of an incident when Hanako and I showed up to class together.”

“Oh? I don’t see how that would be a big deal.”

“W-We were...uhm...H-Holding hands..” I say. I should just let it get out in the open, or this awkwardness will never cease...Lilly seems a bit too pleased by my statement, judging from her giggle.

“Oh my. You two are a wonderful match.”

“Heh, thanks. We haven’t been together for very long, but I try to spend as much time as I can with her.” Hisao smiles. “Right, Hanako?”

“R..Right..” I smile back to him, even if my face is cherry-red. Lilly is positively beaming.

Dinner continues with a much lighter air. Things didn’t delve as deeply as I thought they mi–

“So, Hisao...What was it that helped you realize your feelings for Hanako?” Hisao is understandably taken aback. I think it’s understandable that I am, too.

“Hmm...I’d say that first it was the conversation the two of us had together. I went to go talk to Hanako after that, and the conversation got very...” He pauses. “Passionate.” This is one moment that I’m glad Lilly can’t see my expression. He is pushing very close into dangerous territory...It’s not that I mind if Lilly knows that we made love. But I want to discuss that with Hisao before we even think about bringing it up.

“I can only imagine.” Lilly nods. “And so is that when you two got together?” Hisao shakes his head. I don’t know why he does that when he talks to Lilly.

“No. The next day, I was still pretty emotionally stressed. I sent Hanako a message to come meet me, and we talked again. That’s where everything was laid on the table, I guess.” The reminder of that event is bittersweet. I don’t want to remember that horrid feeling in my gut I felt when I was so convinced that I’d messed everything up...Then again, the feeling I got when he held me and said that he loves me for the first time was a perfect foil to that...I never wanted it to end.

“I...I-I’ll admit t-that I cried...”

“I..uh...I did, too...Just a little, though.” Hisao’s blush is cute. It brings up my mood a bit.

“I see...” Lilly takes a good few moments to consider what we’ve told her.

“I’d say that is when we got together.”

“I...I think I m-made it official w-when I...k-kissed you.”

“You kissed Hisao? My my, Hanako. That was quite bold of you. I’m proud.” Lilly giggles.

Even though I’m blushing, I find her praise to be quite rewarding. I want to be able to be a good girlfriend for Hisao...My blush isn’t getting and better with these thoughts. I give a soft thanks, and the conversation dries up, but not awkwardly so. The air between us lingers and we happily finish our dinner, and clean up with nothing but small talk.

With dusk already passed, find that I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Once I don my nightgown and return to the living room, I’m met by Lilly and Hisao sitting on the futon.

“...Are you sure, Lilly? I really didn’t mean anything by my comment this morning.” says Hisao.

“I’m quite sure.”

“W..S-Sure of what?” They both turn to me, though Lilly’s eyes miss my figure by a few inches. I’m more than used to that, and wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t staring at her.

“I’ve decided to take the futon tonight. You and Hisao may have the bedroom.” Lilly offers a genuine smile.

Hisao is blushing, but not nearly as much as I am.

“Just...Keep in mind that I have exquisite hearing, yes? I won’t be very pleased to hear any buckling of the bed’s springs.”

...Is it possible to contract a fever from severe blushing?

-Ch. 3, Fin

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Last edited by Sapphire on Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by kw343 » Wed Aug 15, 2012 11:12 pm

I love this story. Very well told. And just so you know this:
...Is it possible to contract a fever from severe blushing?
Is going to be used by me in conversation from now on.

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Sapphire » Wed Aug 15, 2012 11:28 pm

kw343 wrote:I love this story. Very well told. And just so you know this:
...Is it possible to contract a fever from severe blushing?
Is going to be used by me in conversation from now on.
Thank you very much.~ ^^ Feel free to use it as much as you'd like. If you want to give credit, I'm not above having my work shamelessly promoted in signatures. *Cough*

Seriously, though...

I have a habit of ending chapters with bits of humor to add that 'feel good' feeling at the end. Unless of course things get serious. Then it's time for cliffies and the horrible wait as you press F5 on your keyboard, waiting for me to post the next chapter. Modest? What does that mean?

Moving along from my insanity...[Which I always include in spoiler tags, for future reference]

This chapter was surprisingly difficult to write. I set down to write it at about noon this morning, and didn't finish until about...Uh...Eight, or something. Geez, it really did take eight hours, didn't it? It's all combobulated into one giant mass of fuzzed-out memory, as if I was in some Hanako-induced stupor. I thought I was moving away from my insanity...

My intent was to re-tell the plot from Lilly's arc with the whole trip to the summer home, but change it so it's all from Hanako's view. Novel idea, no? Ahaha. I'm so punny. But it was, as I said, much harder than anticipated. Making coherent and flowing dialogue was the hardest part...Well, that, and the constant distractions.

I think what I'm trying to say here is...Thank you for reading. :D

I just may have exhausted all my sane brain cells for the day. Next chapter should be due tomorrow, when I recover some of my sanity caffeine is consumed.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:09 am

Sapphire wrote:My eyes remain fixed on the plane as it comes in for landing, then shift to look past the glass doors of the entrance to scan the faces for my blind friend.
“Lilly!” I shout, louder than I expected myself to.
Seems they made it through immigration and baggage claim in record time.
..says Lilly to Hisao and I.
...the relationship between Hisao and I.
You make this mistake a few times in this chapter. It should be "...Hisao and me."
I think this usage is not completely wrong, but at least to me it sounds incredibly formal and old-fashioned - like something straight out of a Shakespeare play.
The train ride here was insanely drone.
I've never seen that word used in this way before.
“Oh? I don’t see how that would be a big deal.”
I'm sure she doesn't... Sorry, couldn't resist.

That said, this chapter didn't really offer anything new. Like you said it was just stuff we already knew from the VN from another perspective with minimal changes in the events that happened. Such scenes could just as well be summarized in a few sentences.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Sapphire » Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:10 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Sapphire wrote:My eyes remain fixed on the plane as it comes in for landing, then shift to look past the glass doors of the entrance to scan the faces for my blind friend.
“Lilly!” I shout, louder than I expected myself to.
Seems they made it through immigration and baggage claim in record time.
Mm. In my head it made sense at the time. I'll probably add in a transition sentence there.
..says Lilly to Hisao and I.
...the relationship between Hisao and I.
You make this mistake a few times in this chapter. It should be "...Hisao and me."
I think this usage is not completely wrong, but at least to me it sounds incredibly formal and old-fashioned - like something straight out of a Shakespeare play.
I contemplated the usage of I/Me/Myself here and found that saying "...Hisao and me." came off sounding a lot more like Akira than it did Hanako, if that makes any sense at all. At the root of it, I think it all has to do with the fact that Hanako is strongly literate and I feel her inner monologue would be similarly literate; which is, of course, entirely subjective. I'll keep this in mind, though.
The train ride here was insanely drone.
I've never seen that word used in this way before.
I have, obviously. >_> It's a tangent of the expression 'to drone on', shortened into compact adjective form. At least, that's how I've seen it used.
“Oh? I don’t see how that would be a big deal.”
I'm sure she doesn't... Sorry, couldn't resist.
*Facepalm*

That said, this chapter didn't really offer anything new. Like you said it was just stuff we already knew from the VN from another perspective with minimal changes in the events that happened. Such scenes could just as well be summarized in a few sentences.
I realize that, and I grimaced at this chapter when I realized I had filled a hefty 1,800 words or so with this when I was hoping for it to be a bit more compact, but the idea of summarizing this entire chapter into a collection of impersonal sentences really took the heart out of what I have planned. Id est, I realize this chapter wasn't as fruitful as the others perhaps are; however, I can assure you that it'll provide a clear direction for subsequent chapters and it does indeed set the foundation for something larger.

/End serious mode.

I'd like to thank you for your feedback.~ I know I may sound a bit formal in my replies to your points, but I am very grateful for your input and I do take it to heart; both the fact that you took the time to write that feedback, and what you are saying in your constructive criticism. :D

Despite the lack of newness to this chapter, I do hope you, as well as all my readers, are enjoying the story so far.~ I've been awake for far too long due to some strange insomnia, so I am heading off to take a nap soon. Following that, I'll start on the next chapter and post it when I'm done.

It was probably the caffeine's fault. But I forgive you, caffeine. <3
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by griffon8 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:56 pm

Sapphire wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Sapphire wrote:..says Lilly to Hisao and I.
...the relationship between Hisao and I.
You make this mistake a few times in this chapter. It should be "...Hisao and me."
I think this usage is not completely wrong, but at least to me it sounds incredibly formal and old-fashioned - like something straight out of a Shakespeare play.
I contemplated the usage of I/Me/Myself here and found that saying "...Hisao and me." came off sounding a lot more like Akira than it did Hanako, if that makes any sense at all. At the root of it, I think it all has to do with the fact that Hanako is strongly literate and I feel her inner monologue would be similarly literate; which is, of course, entirely subjective. I'll keep this in mind, though.
No, no, no, no! Mirage is correct and it is the literate way of writing it.

Here is the rule: drop the other noun(s) and find what pronoun you need. You wouldn't write "says Lilly to I" would you? Of course not; it's "says Lilly to me". Therefore, 'me' is the correct pronoun to use when you add more nouns.

Sorry, but I see this done all the time. Lilly's route is littered with it and I cringe every time.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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txalolrn9
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by txalolrn9 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:09 pm

That's the end? Nothing happened.
It only hurts when I breathe

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Sapphire
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Re: Behind my scars [Updated to: Chapter 3]

Post by Sapphire » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:06 pm

No, no, no, no! Mirage is correct and it is the literate way of writing it.

Here is the rule: drop the other noun(s) and find what pronoun you need. You wouldn't write "says Lilly to I" would you? Of course not; it's "says Lilly to me". Therefore, 'me' is the correct pronoun to use when you add more nouns.

Sorry, but I see this done all the time. Lilly's route is littered with it and I cringe every time.
All right, I think I understand. It didn't really sound wrong the way I wrote it, but it seems to be a grammar problem rather than one of writing style. I'll be sure to correct it.

Learn something new every day, eh?
txalolrn9 wrote:That's the end? Nothing happened.
It's nearly identical to the 'northern sojourn' chapter from Lilly's route, but from Hanako's perspective. The birthday scene happens in both Lilly and Hanako's route; I figure that the simple fact that Hisao is dating Hanako in place of Lilly wouldn't be enough of a change to completely forsake the trip to Hokkaido. Like the chapter in KS, not much happens, but it sets the foundation for a very plot-heavy chapter to follow. Because a heavy plot is made all the more heavy when preceded by something fluffy and light, I'd say.
Behind my Scars - My Hanako epilogue. Work in progress.~

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"Why do I write?...Why do I breathe?"

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