Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

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Keneshiro
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Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Keneshiro » Sat Aug 04, 2012 6:27 am

A short story I wrote just for the laughs. Contiunues onwards from the ending of Hisao and Hanako, assuming marriage etc etc

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The smell of antiseptic affronts my nostrils as I enter the foyer. Aside from me, the only person in the foyer appears to be the nurse on duty at the reception desk. She does a double take as I approach her. I’d probably have done the same if I was in her shoes. It’s not every day that a dishevelled, grumpy looking guy walks into the hospital, holding both a bouquet of flowers as well as a teddy bear, demanding the room number of one of their patients.

She spends a few minutes typing away at the computer before finally yielding the room number. I grunt my thanks and break into a brisk walk towards the elevator.
Of all the times to enter labour, she does it at 1 in the morning. My grumbling has no audience as the hallways are empty. As I approach the room, I notice that there appears to be quite a commotion happening in there. I notice a female walk out, wearing a white coat with a stethoscope around her neck. She’s probably the doctor isn’t she? She looks about her mid-twenties. Her black hair is tied into a tight bun and she looks tired but happy. How a woman like that managed to get a position as a doctor, I shall never know.She approaches me and introduces herself as Dr Akita. She informs me that Ms Ikezawa has made a successful delivery and she’s safe. The baby girl is fine as well and apparently looks just like her.

Great. Just great.

The doctor doesn’t catch my sarcasm and is already on her way to the other wards. I gingerly approach the door and brave myself to enter. From the sounds I heard, that mafia girl must be visiting.
The room is dimmed and the curtains are drawn. The only light comes from the bed where I see everyone is huddled over. Hanako is lying in bed, propped up by several pillows. In her hands, she holds a bundle of cloth, the new addition to the family, another anchor to the family life. Hanako looks tired, strained but happy. She’s smiling serenely at the baby and doesn’t notice me at first. However, her friend has apparently noticed me since I entered.

Lilly Satou gives Hisao a nudge and he wakes up with a start. His eyes finally focus and he looks surprised to see me. Oh the things I do for the sake of a fallen comrade. I awkwardly place the flowers and the bear on the drawer next to Hanako and mumble my congratulations as well as my farewell. Time to leave.

‘Hey, you aren’t going to leave just yet, are you?’

The voice comes from the blonde guy in the suit. Well, I guess she really isn’t a guy, after all. I’m about to come up with an excuse when I realise that several other friends of Hanako from Yamaku are here as well. Oh no. It’s a trap.

Damned feminists.
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Oddball
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Oddball » Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:05 pm

Not bad, it fits Kenji's character. I think you stop it a bit soon though. Having him try to figure out how to get out of the "trap" or trying to play along and acting like nothing is wrong culd have been worth a few more laughs.
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Keneshiro
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Keneshiro » Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:54 pm

Oddball wrote:Not bad, it fits Kenji's character. I think you stop it a bit soon though. Having him try to figure out how to get out of the "trap" or trying to play along and acting like nothing is wrong culd have been worth a few more laughs.
I literally ran out of ideas when I reached that part. Ending it with 'Damned Feminists' seemed to help me escape the problem of escaping the requirement to write the ending :/
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JTemby
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by JTemby » Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:49 am

Short, sharp and shiny.
Could do more with it, hope you do more with it.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:30 am

Disagree.
It ends at a perfect place.
Anything added would remove the effect of the current ending.
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SongNai145
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by SongNai145 » Mon Aug 06, 2012 3:01 am

Oh man, I got thrown for a loop there for a second. Maybe because it's so late right now but for some reason I assumed we were on Hisao's POV which made it jarring to see him so negative. Then we get to the mafia chick part and fallen comrade before the penny drops and I realized my folly. Totally seems like Kenji to be the only one not happy at something like a birth. Of course being Kenji...I'm pretty sure only manly picnics are the one true place he's happy.
Kenji: This is not a romantic princess picnic. This is a manly picnic. No glasses. No napkins. Whiskey only.

Hisao: "I have never seen anyone talk so heatedly and so defensively about absolutely nothing before

That one moment when you want to post something up but then decide you need to re-edit like a billion times before deciding that it was just fine the first time.

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Keneshiro
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Keneshiro » Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:28 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Disagree.
It ends at a perfect place.
Anything added would remove the effect of the current ending.
JTemby wrote:Short, sharp and shiny.
Could do more with it, hope you do more with it.
Well, I was considering having Kenji make his escape, but we'll see. I am trying to come up with more quick ones. What do you guys feel about 'Hanako discovering dubstep'?
SongNai145 wrote:Oh man, I got thrown for a loop there for a second. Maybe because it's so late right now but for some reason I assumed we were on Hisao's POV which made it jarring to see him so negative. Then we get to the mafia chick part and fallen comrade before the penny drops and I realized my folly. Totally seems like Kenji to be the only one not happy at something like a birth. Of course being Kenji...I'm pretty sure only manly picnics are the one true place he's happy.
Well, not only did he lose his comrade in arms, said comrade created another feminists. The highest act of betrayal :D
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OtakuNinja
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by OtakuNinja » Mon Aug 06, 2012 3:27 pm

I didn't realize it was Kenji until I read the last line. :lol: I thought it was you all the time, just like in your other story. :lol:
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Keneshiro
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by Keneshiro » Mon Aug 06, 2012 3:36 pm

OtakuNinja wrote:I didn't realize it was Kenji until I read the last line. :lol: I thought it was you all the time, just like in your other story. :lol:
Like I said, that story, crazy shit was written that day that I swore will never surface again. Was in my Hanako-is-my-waifu mode that day.
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SongNai145
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Re: Visit to the Hospital-short, humour (warning:DRY)

Post by SongNai145 » Mon Aug 06, 2012 10:38 pm

SongNai145 wrote:Oh man, I got thrown for a loop there for a second. Maybe because it's so late right now but for some reason I assumed we were on Hisao's POV which made it jarring to see him so negative. Then we get to the mafia chick part and fallen comrade before the penny drops and I realized my folly. Totally seems like Kenji to be the only one not happy at something like a birth. Of course being Kenji...I'm pretty sure only manly picnics are the one true place he's happy.
Well, not only did he lose his comrade in arms, said comrade created another feminists. The highest act of betrayal :D[/quote]

Hey at least now Kenji can claim once more of how he's the only sane man left on the planet!

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