Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 10/31/18)

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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 3/16/14)

Post by brythain » Sun Mar 16, 2014 8:58 pm

It's very much like a pavane with only two participants, symmetry more-or-less maintained. As a bystander watching the outer dance, I'm going to try to express what passes through my mind about the inner dance.

I feel for the Lilly of the piece because she's like a Banks character, having to figure out a game to which she doesn't know the rules, on a gameboard not of her own choice. But because her psychological context is sparse or anticultural it's actually harder for the reader to decide whether to be sympathetic or not to Lilly as a person.

For example, the part about tears: in Japan, the reason you're allowed 'manly feels' etc is that it's culturally acceptable to cry for reasons of such as personal loss or romantic crisis. It's probably considered improper -not- to cry in the situation that Lilly's in. That cultural context is why it may be more culturally and psychologically compelling to think of Lilly obsessing about Hisao (and vice versa) than to just think of them severing their psychological association. Doesn't mean they're still in love or that they necessarily maintain deep emotional ties, mind. But they were in some sense each other's first loves, and the idea of that can survive long beyond what pragmatism or practical circumstance might allow.

Similarly, the odd relationship between her parents. That's one the canon bequeathed us in sparse outline as well. It's hard to understand, and becomes psychologically jarring because of that — are one or both Satou parents socially or culturally conservative, and to what extent? So, why Akira? And which parent is dominant? And why? I struggle with those questions myself, but Lilly and Akira both must have some answers, and they would plausibly factor those in (incidentally, for the reader's benefit) when thinking about their parents.

I like the writing in terms of eloquence and style. I just feel rather oppressed by Lilly's mental straitjacket.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 3/16/14)

Post by Liminaut » Mon Apr 14, 2014 10:51 pm

Yes, sucks to be Lilly. Parents that abandon her for her education, and then yank her to Scotland in a way that completely derails her education. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have the emotional material to realize how hypocritical her parents are.

I liked the overall metaphor, that Lilly's life has become an empty house, bereft of old glories. Everything in the story leads up to that conclusion. Nicely written.

I see brythain has written a reply while I was writing this, so I'll touch on on part of that review. What do we know about how Lilly feels about her parents from the VN? That her feelings are so walled-off and compartmentalized that she never mentions how she feels even when they are jerking her life around. So yes, she's in a straitjacket she's made herself as a way of dealing with her parents.

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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 3/16/14)

Post by griffon8 » Mon Apr 14, 2014 11:29 pm

You took a really long time to write your reply then, considering brythain finished his reply 29 days ago. :roll:

(Psst! You didn't look at the last post on the thread, the only one on the last page!)

:oops: :wink: 8)
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 3/16/14)

Post by ProfAllister » Mon Nov 02, 2015 5:38 pm

Karaoke Night
25 Years Later...
A Very Student Council Christmas
Sharks and Minnows
Katawa Shoujo: The Musical!
So She Dances
Hokkaido: a Turning Point (You Are Here)
Where Are They Now?
Freaks and Friends Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Two Halves Make a Hole
The Death and Return of Niji
Meeting Miki
War Diary 31-10-2007


Hokkaido: a Turning Point (Language Warning!)

So, here we are, in Hokkaido. Just Lilly and me. It's a shame that Akira doesn't get to enjoy the holiday, but I guess that's what life is like when you're an adult. She'd probably want to spend it with her boyfriend, anyway.

“S-so, L-lilly, you haven't said anything about what it was like in S-scotland.”

She looks thoughtful for a moment. “No, I suppose I haven't...”

Of course you haven't, Lilly. You're far too kind to tell me how much better life is when you don't have to worry about a worthless clingy nobody.

“Inverness is by the w-water, right? D-did you go swimming?”

A sigh. “Akira insisted on racing me a few times, but I've told you before, I'm not much of a swimmer.”

Again and again. It just so happens to be a convenient excuse to never put me in a position where I might have to show off my hideous scars. At least you're consistent. I bet you'd “magically” discover how much you enjoy swimming if I told you I own a wet suit.

“It wasn't entirely uneventful. In fact... that's part of the reason we're here.”

Go on.

“It's because our parents decided... to sell this house.”

You're hiding something again, Lilly. You're a terrible liar.

“W-why would they sell th-the house?”

She makes that 'I'm trying to think of a convincing lie' expression, but slumps down in resignation. “Our parents want us to go back to Inverness. Permanently.”

Well, there it is – her golden opportunity to be rid of me, guilt-free.

“W-when?”

She pretends to not understand the question, but only for an instant. “When am I leaving? Well, my dear little Hanako, you'll be glad to know that I'm not.”

Oh, hell no. You are NOT doing what I think you're doing.

“They asked us to return, and it's not really a request, more of a demand, but they DID ask. And I'm going to say no.”

You stupid bitch! You know what refusing means! You know exactly what you're throwing away!

“W-why not? Don't you w-want to be with your f-family?”

The way she turns to look at me. That fucking smile. Do NOT say it. Do NOT fucking say it.

“Why, Hanako, you're my family, too. I'd be too lonely without you.”

You fucking bitch.

“I s-see...”

Why are you doing this to me? And why am I letting you?

“T-that means a lot to me, Lilly.”

Fuck you, Lilly. Fuck you in your fucking perfect fucking face.

“T-thank you, Lilly.”

And fuck me for wanting it so much.
Last edited by ProfAllister on Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:57 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by brythain » Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:57 pm

Gah! You wrote it. Shudder!
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by Alpacalypse » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:01 pm

I... I... Okay then. Ouch :shock:
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by Umber » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:05 pm

Anger is an awesome emotion because everyone feels it, and I really like this anger that you showed us.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Nov 03, 2015 12:25 pm

This reminds me a bit of "Two Hallways" - in a good way, of course.

A shame that one never was finished...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by swampie2 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 2:56 pm

Hokkaido: a Turning Point
a little Hokkaido story, yaay!

Oh.

Ohh...

I think you did a great job of capturing that feeling, great job!
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Wed Dec 02, 2015 10:43 am

The scary part is, given how Hanako reacted in her bad end, this is entirely possible, even probable. Perhaps Crud's original Hanako route draft wasn't entirely incorrect after all.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/2/15)

Post by ProfAllister » Sat Nov 18, 2017 11:00 pm

Karaoke Night
25 Years Later...
A Very Student Council Christmas
Sharks and Minnows
Katawa Shoujo: The Musical!
So She Dances
Hokkaido: a Turning Point
Where Are They Now? (You Are Here)
Freaks and Friends Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Two Halves Make a Hole
The Death and Return of Niji
Meeting Miki
War Diary 31-10-2007


Where Are They Now?

Three things are glaringly obvious - Hisao and Hanako make a sickeningly cute couple, Shizune’s plastered, and this bartender couldn’t mix a decent gin and tonic to save his life.

That first one is excusable - they just got engaged, this is their engagement party, and they’re singing a saccharine karaoke duet. It comes with the territory. I must admit, Hanako is surprisingly good. Hisao, on the other hand… well, he’s enthusiastic.

[Couples, amirite? I think I’m gonna be sick.{

[That’s because you’re drunk, Shicchan.]

[I’m not drunk! I know exactly how many prostitutes I’ve had!]

[‘Drinks,’ you mean?]

[That’s what I said. What did you think I grfrbl?]

I actually feel really bad for here. That last year at Yamaku, it feels like something just died in her. She still worked as hard as ever, but somehow didn’t seem to care about anything anymore. She has a good job, but it’s clearly something she could do in her sleep. And it’s not like she’s doing anything else with her life.

[You know, Shicchan, there’s more to life than drinking yourself into a stupor every night. If you just applied yourself-]

[God, Misha, you’re just like my dad. Be respectable! Life is hard! Stop glfrmbl glue!]

[What can I say? His autobiography had a lot of good points.]

Any further conversation is cut off as Hanako nearly knocks me off my stool in a tackle-hug.

“Did you see me, Misha? I did it! I got up in front of everyone and sang my song! I still can’t believe it!”

Shizune’s not the only one who’s a bit tipsy tonight.

I give her a warm smile. “You did a good job, Hanako.” Turning my head toward Hisao, I nod in his direction. “Hicchan~.”

His chagrined reaction amuses me. “Hey,” he nods back.

“Oh, I’msogladyoucouldmakeit! Was the flight long? How are things in America? Did you miss Japan?”
I got here a little late. From what I can tell, Shizune got here early and immediately started drinking, then the happy couple, and then me. Our happy little clique.

Before I get the chance to reply, Hanako lets out a piercing squeal and runs toward the door to greet two new arrivals - an unmistakable tall blonde and... What looks to be a younger, sexier Mr. Hakamichi. At least, what he’d look like if he were a little more tolerant of societal conventions.

“Lilly! You came! Ican’tbelieveit! No one told me anything! When did you get in?”

“My, my, Hanako, aren’t you as exciteable as ever.”

[Who invited the foreigner?]

[Hush, you. She’s your cousin, and Hanako’s friend. Try to behave.]


***

Another song by the happy couple they’re certainly enjoying themselves. Meanwhile, Shizune’s faceplanted into the bar, snoring gently.

“Is this seat taken?”

I don’t even have to look to know who it is - the accent’s unmistakable. Lilly didn’t have an accent before, butt hat was ten years ago. To be fair, I probably sound like I should be wearing an American flag bikini and a cowboy hat. That only happens on Tuesdays.

Without thinking, I reply, “It’s a free country.”

A soft chuckle. “My, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who’s gone native in their new home. You’re working as an interpreter for the deaf now, yes?”

“And a bartender,” I reply. She inclines her head in polite surprise. “It started as a way to get a little spending money at school, but I found I have a knack for it. Also, the tips can be great - just show off my girls and spin a few bottles, and the money just comes flowing in.”

A tight smile. For anyone else, that would be the equivalent of their jaw hanging open in shock. “My, that sounds quite exciting. I must confess my own life isn’t quite so colorful. I married a nice man. Father is grooming him to be the next Regional Manager. We have a couple children. It’s a comfortable life, but rather dull.”

“Dull? Aren’t you the girl whose idea of excitement is to sneak a little bit of real tea in with the flowers and herbs?”
“It is indeed,” she laughs, but the mirth is short-lived, “which should give you an idea of how dreadfully boring it is.”

Ouch. I glance at her glass. The contents have been changing color over the course of the night. That’s her fourth drink. At least.

“Speaking of color,” she adds, clearly trying to change the subject, “is your hair still…?”

“No, I’m afraid not. ‘Terps try to be somewhat inconspicuous, so I’ve gone natural. Other than the occasional temporary dye, that is.”

Her smile seems a little more real this time. “That’s nice. I hope it doesn’t sound weird, but your natural hair smells much nicer.”

“It sounds a little weird, but I think I’ll be fine as long as you aren’t trying to bury your face in it.”

“What about you, Misha? Is there any man in your life?”

“Nope.”

“Ah. Well, I had heard some rumors…”

“No, no girl either. I like boobs as much as the next guy, but I just haven’t found the right person, man, woman, or tentacle monster.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, it’s a joke from work.”
Last edited by ProfAllister on Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:58 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/18/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:51 am

Nice start, but if you intend to keep it as a one-shot the ending is a bit abrupt - some of the character developments really need more exposition to accept them. :-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/18/17)

Post by ProfAllister » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:31 am

Karaoke Night
25 Years Later...
A Very Student Council Christmas
Sharks and Minnows
Katawa Shoujo: The Musical!
So She Dances
Hokkaido: a Turning Point
Where Are They Now?
Freaks and Friends Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special (You Are Here)
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Two Halves Make a Hole
The Death and Return of Niji
Meeting Miki
War Diary 31-10-2007


My own submission for Seasonal Solstice Secret Santa Short Story Sharing Session. Much as I appreciate Mirage's efforts to make a consolidated thread, I'm far more comfortable crowding out my in work than feeling like I'm smothering someone else's work.

I drew Oddball; his prompt: I just want something with my girls. A Hachisame, Hitomi, Time Warp-tan fic.


Freaks and Friends Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special

By the time Tana heard the alarm, her hand had already hit the snooze button. It did its job, though – she was awake. And today was Christmas Eve.

Not that that was a big deal – no boy for Tana this year. But she still had plans. Uncle Kaito was hosting a party for her and her friends. Nothing big, but it was something to do, and would probably be fun. At the very least, the food would be good.

But first things first – time to get dressed. And Tana had the perfect outfit in mind – a cute green velvet dress that would set off her red hair perfectly. Red woolen stockings, too. The dress was a little too big in the chest area, but she figured that was just an excuse to wear her padded bra.

Getting dressed was always a weird experience for her, because of her condition. Due to a brain malformation, she lives a few seconds out of sync with the world, earning her the nickname “Time Warp”. The good news is that it's just her conscious brain that's affected – the doctors say that routine, automatic tasks are handled by her cerebellum, meaning she doesn't think about them while she's doing them. If it weren't for Miss Bellum, she truly would be helpless.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door.

The door was thrown open, revealing a girl in a wheelchair with short bleach-blonde hair.

“You're not letting me swim today, so I'm not letting you sleep! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

“Come in,” Tana called, to the girl who was already making herself at home in the disaster zone that was Tana’s room.

The girl in the wheelchair – Hachisame – had a thick festive blanket on her lap, and was wearing a knit sweater that was an eye-searing clash of colors that would probably form seasonal figures, it someone could stand to look at it long enough to try making sense of it.

For once, Hachisame was almost at a loss for words. “Wait, you're ahead of me? How the hell did that happen?”

A moment later, Hachisame decided it wasn't important. “No matter, let's go bug Hitomi.”

“Maybe all your eating is catching up to you, and now you're getting fat and slow,” Tana playfully rejoined.

Too late, of course. Hachisame was already backed out of the room and turning around.

“Nice one, Time Warp. But you know it all goes to my thighs.”

“Sure thing, fattybrains.”

***

With Hitomi collected, and Suzu completing the group, they were ready to leave the dorm. Hitomi was so wrapped in coats and scarves that you could only see her hair and one eye. Not that that last part was unusual, but the space her other eye used to be was thoroughly covered, too. Suzu, by contrast, looked like she just wrapped herself up in her futon and started walking. In fact, that may not be an exaggeration.

This time of year, Yamaku is almost always covered in a thick blanket of snow. Tana had heard the explanation before – something about altitude, or latitude, or both, and windward sides of mountains versus leeward. Whatever the case, today wasn't any different from usual in the “everything covered in snow” category. The walkways were cleared, of course – with the number of canes and wheelchairs the school has to accommodate, clearing snow is a high priority.

As if undertaking an arctic expedition, the small group set out.

“Damn it's cold,” Hachisame complained, stating the obvious, “if we don't get to your uncle's quickly, my tits may freeze off.”

“Not like you'd be losing much,” Suzu replied dryly.

A moment later, Tana chimes in, “Don't be silly. You need to have them to freeze them off.”

“Okay, screw you, Suzu. And screw you too several seconds later. Not like you two have much room to talk. We all know that Hitomi’s got the biggest rack here. And they're natural,” she adds pointedly.

Hitomi, for her part, turned bright red – what little of her could be seen, at least. Her mumbled reply is further muffled by the coat and scarf over her mouth.

“Yeah, you tell her,” Hachisame replied, clearly having no more clue than the others what Hitomi said.

The trip to Sunshine Estates is largely uneventful, short of Hachisame explaining to Suzu why they all start giggling whenever the subject of noodles comes up.

At the door to Uncle Kaito’s, Tana had barely knocked once before the door was thrown open, revealing an older man in a garish red outfit, lined with white fur.

“Merry Christmas!” he shouted, laughing heartily, “come in, come in. Everything's ready!”

As the girls filed in, their noses were filled with the intoxicating aroma of the veritable feast set out before them. The centerpiece of the spread was a bucket of store-bought fried chicken next to a platter of what looked to be home-cooked fried chicken as well.

“Eat up,” he encouraged, “there's plenty to go around!”

Any further conversation was cut off, as the sight and smell of the food reminded the girls just how hungry they were.

***

“I must say, I'm a little disappointed to see all you girls here. The more the merrier, of course, but don't the guys up at that school have any sense between them?”

“All the guys I talk to are boring,” Suzu replied, “total snooze fest.”

“I haven't been looking,” Hitomi added.

Tana shrugged, “I'm not in any rush.”

“You know me,” Hachisame chimed in, “I'm too much for one guy.”

“Even an American?” Suzu asked, smirking.

“Girl, I could take two Americans at the same time.”

On hearing Hachisame's retort, Hitomi nearly choked on her drink. Suzu ignored it, disappointed that Hachisame missed the innuendo.

“You know,” Suzu mused, “that reminds me of a book we were reading in the club the other day. Something about King Aardvark or something. It used an odd term to describe a girl like you. A 'man-eater’.”

“Man-eater?” Hachisame repeated, clicking her teeth in approval, “I like that.”

As the day wore on, they played various children's games, then exchanged small gifts, Hachisame eating the whole time. The gifts were mostly jokes – half a pair of sunglasses for Hitomi, a watch that was five minutes slow for Tana, and so on.

Finally, the evening wrapped up with a beautiful Christmas cake that tasted as good as it looked.

The last pieces of cake polished off, Kaito stood up, clapping his hands.

“Well, kids, I don't mean to kick you out, but you all'd better get back to school before it gets really cold. Time to see you all off!”

With reluctance and some grumbling, the girls got up, rebundled themselves, and ventured into the cold dark night. As they departed, Kaito stood waving from the open door.

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Ohohohoho!”
Last edited by ProfAllister on Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:58 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (S8 Submission 12/24/17)

Post by Oddball » Sat Dec 30, 2017 9:54 pm

That was cute.

I feel like you may went out of your way to hit too many points, but then again I did give you characters that nobody is used to writing to work with. All in all, not too shabby.
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Re: Yet Another One-shot Repository (New Entry 11/18/17)

Post by ProfAllister » Sun Dec 31, 2017 9:57 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:Nice start, but if you intend to keep it as a one-shot the ending is a bit abrupt - some of the character developments really need more exposition to accept them. :-)
All fair points. This is mostly something that's been brewing in my head for a long time, and it needed to get out. There's a good chance I'll revisit it, as there were a few other related scenes percolating at the same time.

The truth is, I've been in a pretty bad place over the past year and a half or so ("The back seat of a Volkswagen?"), and only recently have I felt like I'm out of the woods. As you can probably tell, this snippet doesn't really fall into the happiest of possible futures.

Standing on its own, though, it's a bit of a meditation on the drifting apart of old friends. There's a point in some relationships where you look at the other person, realise that your shared history is the only reason you'd associate with the other anymore, and kind of wonder how it got to that point. In that respect, your wanting the context means it hit the proper note.

But it may be interesting to revisit this setting in the future.
Oddball wrote:That was cute.

I feel like you may went out of your way to hit too many points, but then again I did give you characters that nobody is used to writing to work with. All in all, not too shabby.
I don't recall trying to go out of my way more than I would usually given the materials I had to work with. I wanted to make something accessible to readers unfamiliar with the original, without stepping on your toes too much. That may be what you're getting at.

Then again, that's why I listed this specific type of prompt as "discouraged." It's incredibly hard to do it justice without leaving one cross-section of the audience behind. You probably should've given me the Lilly x Taro diaper fetish prompt. It would've been explosive. :twisted:

As far as faithfulness to the characters goes, I had to finish reading FnF to be sure I knew everything I could about these girls, and it had been so long that I had to reread the entire thing. Then I tried to put them in a new situation and work out what they'd do and how they'd act. Since they're just guests, they couldn't get the whole "reside in my mind and run free" experience, and had to settle for the "rent out a room in the seedy Motel 6 on the wrong side of the tracks - but I's only for tonight, so we'll be fine" experience. Hopefully, I did right by them to some degree.
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