25 Years Later...
A Very Student Council Christmas
Sharks and Minnows
Katawa Shoujo: The Musical!
So She Dances
Hokkaido: a Turning Point
Where Are They Now?
Freaks and Friends Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Two Halves Make a Hole
The Death and Return of Niji
War Diary 31-10-2007
Three Bits of Silliness(You Are Here)
Onsen a Lifetime (Separate Thread)
A Christmas Sketch (Separate Thread)
A Convenient Distraction
Various bits of dumb fun I've had pop into my head at one time or another
Katawa Spec Ops
“The objective is 22 kliks from your current position. Perimeter defenses are lightly manned, but there are significant barriers and automated defenses you’ll have to handle. Additionally, intel suggests that there will be plenty of defenses when you get inside.”
“Copy that, Sat-Eye. I’ve got it covered.”
“My, my, Bear-Cycle, aren’t you confident today?”
“Always am, always will be. I’ve never failed yet!”
I glance at the other three passengers, who meet my own gaze with shrugs or similarly concerned expressions. Bear-Cycle was the vehicle specialist, and a reliable one at that. She could get anyone anywhere faster than anyone else - but it wouldn’t always be pretty.
The Radio crackles back to life. “Hawk-Eye says cut the chatter. Also, the perimeter defenses are now unmanned.”
That would be Shut-Eye, Hawk-Eye’s spotter. Given their individual personalities, you wouldn’t expect them to work well together, but they make one hell of a sniper team.
I pause to once again question who came up with these codenames - how many “-Eye”s can you have in a single squad, anyway?
“Okay, ladies,” Bear-Cycle calls back, “I hope you like it rough, because I’m going in dry!”
We brace for impact as the modified APC smashes through the reinforced concrete walls like they were tissue paper. Pulling a sharp U-turn as she brakes, Bear-Cycle gives us the all-clear to disembark.
Kicking open the doors, we see that Bear-Cycle did a good job of getting us near the door. The alarms are blaring, but there’s no one in sight around the door. We’re in the clear now, as the automated defenses are preoccupied with the APC, but that won’t last long.
“Remember,” Kaiser warns us, hefting her imposing weapon, “this building’s full of volatile chems, so no guns. The slightest spark and this whole place will go up in flames. Zooker, you and Machinegun take point; I’ll cover the rear.”
One breach charge later and we’re in, just in time to see Bear-Cycle pull out before things get too messy.
The Zooker is our unarmed specialist - silently and efficiently taking out targets with a few well-placed kicks. Machinegun couldn’t be any more different, her inhumanly fast hands quickly becoming a blur of spinning knives and haymakers while she laughs - as if this were all a game.
We make short work of the guards as we quickly approach the objective. These are supposedly elite forces, so I guess we’re just more elite.
Once we finally get there, it’s my turn. I grab the package, which is the easy part. Then I leave a few packages of my own - to remember me by.
“All clear! Let’s move!”
It’s nearly as easy to get out as it was to get in, which is mildly disappointing. We emerge from the building to see Shower-Copter raining down suppressing fire, a rope ladder waiting. We quickly climb up and in.
Once inside, Kaiser turns her heavily scarred face in my direction. “Now it’s your turn, Nuke-Guy.”
I nod, pulling out the detonator remote. “Alright! Let’s blow this popsicle stand!”
Overheard in the Workshop
“So, you're the new transfer? Welcome aboard.”
“Thank you, sir, I'll do my best.”
“That's the kind of attitude we expect around here. The name's Twinkleberry Mistletoes, but folks on the floor just call me 'Bar.’”
“It is an honor to meet you, Sir Bear. I am Rek'nyur Nahfrum Run’dyur, called Featherstride, son of Ialdiv, called Twigsnapper.”
“It's 'Bar.’ So, Rek, am I off in my guess that you're a cookie elf?”
“Yes, sir. Meaning no, sir, I am not. I am of the sexy murder elves.”
“Right. That would explain the height and unearthly beauty. Doesn't matter. Starting today, you're a toy elf.”
“Ah, sorry about the uniform, by the way. We don't get many folks your size. I'm sure our tailors can get you fixed up once Crunch Time is over.”
“Enough with the 'sir’! I may look old, but we're practically the same age! Call me 'Bar’ - like 'berry’, but without the 're’.”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Bear, sir.”
We'll work on that. Anyway, let's get down to business. Here's a stack of giftee profiles. We're going to determine what Santa brings them this year.”
“Japan, sir? I was under the impression that Christmas was a romantic couples-oriented holiday there.”
“You've done your homework, then. Smart kid. That *would* be accurate, but here we're working under the Holiday Special Claus.”
“Clause? As in a contract?”
“No, the Tim Allen movie robbed that wordplay of any further comedic value. I'm referring to the Santa Auxiliary Corps.”
“The Santa Auxiliary Corps?”
“Didn't they cover this in orientation? Even with magic and modern technology, a global rollout is too big a job for one man. And you should already know about some of the more famous Auxiliaries - Zwarte Piet, Krampus, Colonel Sanders…”
“Holiday Special Claus?”
“Exactly. You know about the Big Guy, right? Saint Nicholas of Myra. Early bishop. Made charitable donations under cover of night so people wouldn't know it was him.”
“That didn't work, evidently.”
“Eh, it's the thought that counts. He's why three gold balls are used as a symbol for pawn shops. Anyway, his next biggest claim to fame was slugging a heretic in the face. Not good for PR.”
“I can imagine.”
“Anyway, that's where HS Claus comes in. He's a bit of an alcoholic, so he's always three sheets to the wind, but he's a happy drunk. That's why the candy canes - the peppermint hides the smell of the booze. He shows up, smiles and waves, drops of gifts, the whole shebang. A big feel good song and dance, folks eat it up, everyone's happy.”
“And for us, that means we get gifts for people who don't even celebrate Christmas?”
“Exactly. Now, who's the first in our stack?”
“Looks like someone from a high school in Sendai.Yamaku Academy. Satou Lilly. It lists her as ‘naughty’. Coal, right?”
“If we were in the Main Office, sure. But here in the Holiday Special Division, we’re all about the feel-good factor. We don’t really do ‘naughty and nice’. When we say ‘naughty’, it’s naughty in a ‘Santa Baby’ sort of way. Means they like sex. A lot. So, in this case, let’s go with the old standby of lingerie and a riding crop.”
“...Uhm, okay. You’re the boss. Next up is… Hakamichi Shizune. And it looks like she wrote a letter to Santa. Why would she do that?”
“Read the profile. Girl likes her paperwork. What did she ask for this year.”
“Let’s see… Looks like… lingerie and a riding crop.”
“Funny coincidence. Who’s next?”
“Ibarazaki Emi, but something seems wrong here. I can barely read anything here.”
“Some of our agents have terrible handwriting. Let me take a look. I can see something about ‘fastest’, ‘speed’, and ‘track’. From her size, I’m gonna guess she’s an aspiring horse racing jockey, so some sort of horse race paraphernalia would be good. She’s also pretty flat, so maybe throw in a padded bra?”
“...lingerie and a riding crop?”
“Sounds great! Who’s next?”
“Tezuka Rin. Agent’s notes are a single sentence: ‘I have no fucking clue.’”
“Hmmm… tricky. This calls for the Wheel of Decision. Back in the day, it was a massive wheel which got its own warehouse and maintenance team. These days it’s a smartphone app. Lessee… ‘Spin again twice’... ‘Lingerie” and… ‘Riding Crop’. Huh.”
“Okay, last one. Nomiya Shinichi. ‘Sexual deviant’, something about a ‘sex dungeon’. Let me guess: Lingerie and a riding crop?”
“Nah, he’s an artist. He’ll get more mileage out of a set of Copics.”
The 12 days of KS
On the 12th day of KS, my waifu gave to me...
Twelve Huffers Huffing
Eleven Kittens Playing
Nine Lawyers Boozing
Eight Men of Science
Seven Planes to Scotland
Six Track Shed Lemons
Three Chess Boards
Two Games of Risk
And a heart attack in the fallen snow