Former Sisterhood thread

[Guest Poster]

If it's a music cue list you need, here's one I personally suggest. I don't think I'd put it into the story though since it might distract from those who just want to read.

I'm taking this one down ahead of schedule. It's no longer necessary anyway.

[pandaphil]

Aww, that's really cool. Thanks!

[neio]

(Music cues)
It wouldn't take much effort to put this into a webpage with some javascript to handle playing different sounds as you scrolled down the page. document.scrollTop, embed, and all that jazz.
Alternatively, it could be several webpages, each with their own soundtrack.

It's a far cry from making a VN out of the thing, but it would be easy to implement, and I feel the music really added a lot to Katawa Shoujo. I had some of the KS music playing while I read this epilogue.

(OP)
That "movie adaption" wouldn't happen to be Life of Pi?

Oh, also... don't know if you want concrit or editing. There's a few typo's I'd point out, but for the most part the grammar was well done.
Poor grammar tends to ruin stories for me because it jolts me out of the story and ends my suspension of disbelief.

Short concrit (I have more if you're interested; not everyone likes concrit):
I'm not a fan of the "if my whole life were a visual novel..." part. Again, it's kind of jolting and kills the suspension of disbelief.

Praise:
This was a well written story! I found it very enjoyable and, for the most part, realistic. You handled the characterization quite well, and the transition from canon to this epilogue was smooth. The symbolism added depth to the story. Also, the writing of the H-scenes was similar to the original, if a bit long.

You have a real talent for writing, and posting everything at once was, in my opinion, a good idea.

I encourage you to write more.

[Guest Poster]

That "movie adaption" wouldn't happen to be Life of Pi?

I didn't really have any specific book/movie in mind.

Oh, also... don't know if you want concrit or editing. There's a few typo's I'd point out, but for the most part the grammar was well done.
Poor grammar tends to ruin stories for me because it jolts me out of the story and ends my suspension of disbelief.

What's concrit? As for typo's...it's okay to point them out.

I'm not a fan of the "if my whole life were a visual novel..." part. Again, it's kind of jolting and kills the suspension of disbelief.

I didn't think it moved beyond the acceptable stage because the fourth wall still remained intact, but I do get where you're coming from.

Also, the writing of the H-scenes was similar to the original, if a bit long.

Yah, I know. It took a long time to write them too. However, at the start of the story, Hisao's and Hanako's sole sexual experience was that awkward trainwreck we saw in the game and neither was very confident in that particular area since the last time had been physically unfulfilling for Hanako and emotionally unfulfilling for Hisao. So it made sense to go very slowly since unlike last time it was important that Hanako managed to relax enough to enjoy it. In addition, my interpretation of Hanako's awkward personality was that a slowly paced lovemaking session with plenty of foreplay (preferably in a dark or darkened room) was pretty much the only way she'd be likely to enjoy the act. I never had her pegged for someone who enjoyed quickies. The part at the end where Hanako mentions how the whole thing was one baby step at a time and she thanks Hisao for being so patient with her...that was pretty much a directly lampshade aimed at the reader.

[griffon8]

I'm pretty sure that concrit = constructive criticism.

[Guest Poster]

That sound you hear is me slapping my forehead.

[neio]

That "movie adaption" wouldn't happen to be Life of Pi?

I didn't really have any specific book/movie in mind.

Well okay then. It just seemed rather fitting.

Oh, also... don't know if you want concrit or editing. There's a few typo's I'd point out, but for the most part the grammar was well done.
Poor grammar tends to ruin stories for me because it jolts me out of the story and ends my suspension of disbelief.

What's concrit?

Seems we've gotten that sorted out. Like I said, not everyone likes constructive criticism, and that's perfectly fine. I tend to really get into literature, though, so it's available if you want it.

As for typo's...it's okay to point them out.

Cool, I'll get back to that then.

I'm not a fan of the "if my whole life were a visual novel..." part. Again, it's kind of jolting and kills the suspension of disbelief.

I didn't think it moved beyond the acceptable stage because the fourth wall still remained intact, but I do get where you're coming from.

Different preferences, then.

Also, the writing of the H-scenes was similar to the original, if a bit long.

Yah, I know. It took a long time to write them too. However, at the start of the story, Hisao's and Hanako's sole sexual experience was that awkward trainwreck we saw in the game and neither was very confident in that particular area since the last time had been physically unfulfilling for Hanako and emotionally unfulfilling for Hisao. So it made sense to go very slowly since unlike last time it was important that Hanako managed to relax enough to enjoy it. In addition, my interpretation of Hanako's awkward personality was that a slowly paced lovemaking session with plenty of foreplay (preferably in a dark or darkened room) was pretty much the only way she'd be likely to enjoy the act. I never had her pegged for someone who enjoyed quickies. The part at the end where Hanako mentions how the whole thing was one baby step at a time and she thanks Hisao for being so patient with her...that was pretty much a directly lampshade aimed at the reader.

Yeah.
It's a difficult thing to write, and you handled it quite well. The occasional humor during the act was appreciated, too; it helped lighten the mood and convey some of the awkwardness.

[griffon8]

That sound you hear is me slapping my forehead.

Like this?

[pandaphil]

I admit I'm only up through chapter 8 so far (and I'm hoping the story doesn't take a radical turn), but as far as I'm concerned this is a canon story.

I'd say the first couple of H-scenes have been damn near perfect. Just the sort that Hanako deserved. And I loved seeing her take the initiative. Its wonderful seeing this woman who you can't help thinking of as a fragile flower (even though you know you should know better), showing off her needs and desires. It just makes you love her that much more.

So really, thanks from the bottom of my heart for writing this.

Well, that is unless I get to the end and I find out you kill everyone off in a bus accident. Then there's gonna be hell to pay.

[Guest Poster]

Well, that is unless I get to the end and I find out you kill everyone off in a bus accident. Then there's gonna be hell to pay.

That would have been one way to tie up all the loose ends. But I don't think you'll be disappointed even though the story gets more serious at the end.

[Negativedarke]

Oh he's going to hate the plane crash... Kidding, kidding.

[pandaphil]

Oh he's going to hate the plane crash... Kidding, kidding.

Hideaki is not amused.

[SpecimenSix]

Well, that is unless I get to the end and I find out you kill everyone off in a bus accident. Then there's gonna be hell to pay.

That would have been one way to tie up all the loose ends. But I don't think you'll be disappointed even though the story gets more serious at the end.

I must say, I was not disappointed either. In my opinion that was the best fanfic I've ever read. It really did feel like I was reading a direct continuation of KS. You managed to capture the feels perfectly in quite a few chapters. I also love the development of Hanako's character. I had some similar ideas with her personality but your take was still quite different than I had in mind and I loved the direction you took with it. Thank you for the wonderful story, I will definitely reread it again and again.

[Negativedarke]

Yah, I know. It took a long time to write them too. However, at the start of the story, Hisao's and Hanako's sole sexual experience was that awkward trainwreck we saw in the game and neither was very confident in that particular area since the last time had been physically unfulfilling for Hanako and emotionally unfulfilling for Hisao. So it made sense to go very slowly since unlike last time it was important that Hanako managed to relax enough to enjoy it. In addition, my interpretation of Hanako's awkward personality was that a slowly paced lovemaking session with plenty of foreplay (preferably in a dark or darkened room) was pretty much the only way she'd be likely to enjoy the act. I never had her pegged for someone who enjoyed quickies. The part at the end where Hanako mentions how the whole thing was one baby step at a time and she thanks Hisao for being so patient with her...that was pretty much a directly lampshade aimed at the reader.

Well lets talk about Hanako's sex life...

Yeah I do think your apprisial is pretty accurate. Hanako's just going to be very body councious. And pretty shy and nervous about the whole thing for quite a while. Although her actual H-scene is well lit, it's also a odd case. This was very much about her showing her body to Hisao and seeing his reaction. And her scars did not keep Hisao from being physically aroused by her body. And as Hanako says, she didn't want him to see her as a child. So if Hisao had seen her body, and not responded in a positive manner/ expressed sexual attraction, I don't think that would have been good for the relationship either.

But the actual sex scene is awkward. It might be the most graphic in the game, but it's also one of the least sexy, due to the awkwardness. Although I wonder if it might have been a little easier if Hanako had taken her tights off. That just doesn't look comfortable to me. Of course there is the emotional awkwardness, but that's been discussed elsewhere.

Now about the sex scenes in this fic. The thing I find interesting is that they are from Hanako's POV. I wonder what was going through Hisao's head? Well I like to think that when Hanako offered to give him a hand it was "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!" But more likely he would have had some concern he might be pushing into it, and deciding that he has to trust that if she says she wants to do something, she is, and will tell him if she's not.

Finally I kinda see Hanako as being the sort to cuddle afterwards. Not counsously, but rather after she falls asleep she'd press her unscarred side up against her lover. Nothing really to base it on, she just looks like the sort to me.

[pandaphil]

Now about the sex scenes in this fic. The thing I find interesting is that they are from Hanako's POV. I wonder what was going through Hisao's head? Well I like to think that when Hanako offered to give him a hand it was "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!" But more likely he would have had some concern he might be pushing into it, and deciding that he has to trust that if she says she wants to do something, she is, and will tell him if she's not.

Finally I kinda see Hanako as being the sort to cuddle afterwards. Not counsously, but rather after she falls asleep she'd press her unscarred side up against her lover. Nothing really to base it on, she just looks like the sort to me.

I think you nailed it pretty well. It must do wonders for her self-esteem to be able to take charge of pleasing Hisao and controlling when and how they go. Its wonderful that they've had a second chance together.

And I like to think that most women would enjoy cuddling. And lord knows I couldn't think of a greater pleasure than having Hanako's body next to mine.