Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
User avatar
TheSongofRaven
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 21, 2012 9:32 pm
Location: Indonesia, Jakarta
Contact:

Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by TheSongofRaven » Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:07 pm

Hello everyone, now i gonna try make a project called "DEAD SPACE : NAKAI" (well, i am inspired by dead space franchise tee-hee) But, since this only sample of the prologue, i want you guy's opinion about this. If this good maybe i try make another part of this project.

Here goes the prologue :

Make Us Whole.......
I remember that words. That damn Unitology stupid words. I wonder when they will stop saying that words (and of course, including “Altman Be Praised”)

Sigh....

My name is Hisao Nakai. I work at Sprawl Station as scientist for almost five years. I am about thirty-nine now. And i am all alone.
Yeah, since my wife, Lilly Satou was passed away last two years. We are getting married for five years before we are move to Sprawl station from the colony. She died because sickness. I know we are not getting used living at space because we usually live at earth colony.
Lilly Satou.....even she was blind since born, she still beautiful for me. And also, she is also teacher on Sprawl Elementary School. Even children favored and loved her, but she never be happy. I know, because our problem of child making (hell, i don’t know what legal words for that or something like that...), but, i still love her. I never forget her face, I never forget her sound, her hair smell.......
And i know, her death was related with the goddamn something precious that EarthGov protect and keep secret from us. That’s not ordinary death cause at Sprawl nowadays. They also have bad reputation because civil strife with the Unitologist. Like i care. All i care is my sorrow of my lost beloved wife.......

“Nakai ? can i speak for a moment ?”, Mutou, my senior scientist partner, calling me out from the communicator from our RIG (Resource Integration Gear).
“Right away, sir. What’s up ?” I briefly come out from my lab. Mutou, at early fifty-five, kinda look a little bit tired, talk to me..
“Nakai, it seem you are working so hard nowadays. I know you still remembering your passed away wife, but, you must take rest. Let me handle everything here. You have done your part.”
I try insist, but mutou silence me with his hand.
“And Nakai, about the secret that you looking for. I think it’s related with secret project that Earthgov commence and supported. But, it’s so confidential and i can’t look more deeply. I am sorry.”
I, only can nodding and take breath, “Thanks, sir. It seems i better going home now.”
After that, i make my way to my apartement and try to take rest. Suddenly, i feel exhausted and asleep on my chair.........
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strange Dream........
Where am i ? This is nothing but a wasteland.......
I am all alone.........
Hmmm ??
I see someone. I try reach that stranger......
Strange, it’s getting more far and far.......
And when i reach that person, suddenly i know...
“Lilly ?”
Silence and keep standing in front of me, she turn around.....
“Hisao.....”
Her face is pale white. She show no expression.....
“Make. Us.Whole”
And she is screaming to me.................................


“GAAAAAAHHHH !!!!!”
I was awake, i feel my sweat is going down from my head. Suddenly....
“NAKAI !!! ARE YOU THERE ?? NAKAI !!!”
My RIG communicator. It’s from Mutou.
“Mutou ? What happened sir ?”, i answered his call
“Thank god you all right. Listen....”
I hear scream and panicking shouting from outside.
“Mutou, what happened ? I think i heard some chaos or something like that.”
Mutou keep pressing his voice, “ We are fucked, Nakai !! This is the effect of the Marker !!”
Marker ? that Unitoloy idolize so much, even they get more charity ?
I still dont believe that.”Marker ? You gotta kidding. I don’t......”
Mutou snapped, “I know you don’t believe but this is true !! Come to the Lab as soon as possible now !!”

And i still don’t get it what is going on here.......
"I believe everything like horse race. When you are lose, simply ride the horse again and face any challange"
Twitter : @GrimPointman, Skype : steven.yehezkiel6791

User avatar
Episcia
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 8:46 pm

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by Episcia » Tue Jun 12, 2012 1:39 pm

Good narrative, but I think you can benefit from a beta writer, as there are numerous points in the work that had quite awkward language in them.

Also, I won't be surprised if Hisao dies of a heart attack in the end. :lol: Dead Space can be pretty..stressing.

User avatar
TheSongofRaven
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 21, 2012 9:32 pm
Location: Indonesia, Jakarta
Contact:

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by TheSongofRaven » Tue Jun 12, 2012 9:09 pm

Episcia wrote:Good narrative, but I think you can benefit from a beta writer, as there are numerous points in the work that had quite awkward language in them.

Also, I won't be surprised if Hisao dies of a heart attack in the end. :lol: Dead Space can be pretty..stressing.
Nah, i keep working on fixing some mistakes. About stressing, yeah (remind me when playing first dead space. Almost make my heart attack happened :lol: )
"I believe everything like horse race. When you are lose, simply ride the horse again and face any challange"
Twitter : @GrimPointman, Skype : steven.yehezkiel6791

# 2
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 5:56 am

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by # 2 » Tue Jun 12, 2012 9:50 pm

It is a rather engaging story, even though it is a little hard to read with the grammar errors. I'd like to see where you take this, so keep on writing. As they say, 'practice makes perfect'.
My Deviations. Please try not to laugh.

Lemons, not just for tangy drinks and incendiaries anymore!

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6097
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:34 am

I agree that practice makes perfect, but having someone point out your mistakes for you makes perfect even faster.
Seriously, in this state it is really hard to read your story...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2923
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by Oddball » Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:15 pm

It seems like it could be good, but it also seems rather obvious that english isn't your first language. I'd suggest asking somebody to go over it with you to help you make it sound more natural.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
TheSongofRaven
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 21, 2012 9:32 pm
Location: Indonesia, Jakarta
Contact:

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by TheSongofRaven » Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:38 am

Thank you for all opinion. Sadly, now i focused myself to looking for a job nowadays. But, i promise i will posting the new concept of this topic soon. Thanks everyone. I never forget you guys opinion.
"I believe everything like horse race. When you are lose, simply ride the horse again and face any challange"
Twitter : @GrimPointman, Skype : steven.yehezkiel6791

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: Dead Space : Nakai (sample prologue)

Post by Roamin12 » Tue Jun 19, 2012 1:04 am

It looks promising, although I can't imagine Hisao would last long in the Dead Space universe on account of his heart, hell, I just beat Dead Space 2 hardcore mode earlier today and my heart is still pounding from the stress.
# 2 wrote:It is a rather engaging story, even though it is a little hard to read with the grammar errors. I'd like to see where you take this, so keep on writing. As they say, 'practice makes perfect'.
I agree, although having a beta read may be a better option for now until you get better at proofreading/grammar.
TheSongofRaven wrote:Thank you for all opinion. Sadly, now i focused myself to looking for a job nowadays. But, i promise i will posting the new concept of this topic soon. Thanks everyone. I never forget you guys opinion.
I wish you good luck on finding work.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

Post Reply