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Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:08 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I guess dorm-neighbours have to be a little insane at Yamaku ^_^

Very good chapter and an interesting new character. I wonder how she gets along with Lilly...

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 4:18 pm
by AR700SAW
Another very interesting and quite amusing read, congratulations on the good work! :)

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:29 pm
by LorSquirrel
liking this more and more, keep it up!

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:06 pm
by griffon8
Ah, another lovely chapter. Thank you.

Now for some editorial commentary.
so [it] isn’t as though Misha
Word needed there.
If they looked [like] they were very
Another word needed there.
long (unfortunately) before
I'd put it 'long—unfortunately—before'. Avoiding parentheses is better. That's an m-dash, BTW.
slowly fill into the classroom
Either change 'fill' to 'file' or drop 'into'.
Well, they didn’t change
it
'Impression', the word the pronoun 'they' is referring to, is singular, so you need a singular pronoun.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do from here.
I'm not certain, but you might want this to be 'I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go from here.'
a no-brainer; when you go
:
My room number is 314
Pi!
Upsettingly, my room is on the fourth story.
Eh? What's on the ground floor then? Rooms without hundreds digits? I was always under the impression that Hisao's room was on the bottom floor.
“Woof!”
The sound of a dog's bark is rendered as 'wan-wan' or 'kyan-kyan' in Japan. Not that I think you should change it, I just think it's interesting. 8)
Her and dad were always more concerned with my older brother.
She
The similar line from Iwanako's mother's letter (father and I) I wouldn't correct; we already know she's ditzy. :)
Well, great, I guess. I get to be the one girl in the whole school wearing a different uniform. A special snowflake among special snowflakes.
Too bad she didn't notice Miki wearing a boy's top; then she'd know there was an alternative. I wouldn't expect Iwanako's mom knowing or even thinking of the possibility.

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 8:03 am
by Leaty
Thanks for the quick QC, griffon8; the changes have been made.
griffon8 wrote:Eh? What's on the ground floor then? Rooms without hundreds digits? I was always under the impression that Hisao's room was on the bottom floor.
Hmm, I went back and looked but I wasn't able to find any immediate evidence in the VN that Hisao's room was on the first floor. To be honest, I don't think there are bedrooms on the first floor at all; my thinking had been that the first floor had most of the "community" facilities, in addition to the common room, like a study/reading room, a bathroom (I mean, a room with baths, as an alternative to the showers the rest of the building has,) vending machines, a dining room (so you can eat with your friends at night without necessarily having to walk to the cafeteria), etc. Maybe even a room with some rudimentary workout equipment, like dumbbells or a stairmaster or something.

The dorms almost certainly have elevators (like, there's no way in hell they don't,) so the wheelchair-bound population wouldn't, I think, have much of a problem. Having a room on the first floor would be kind of a pain in the ass, even with observation of quiet hours.
griffon8 wrote:The sound of a dog's bark is rendered as 'wan-wan' or 'kyan-kyan' in Japan. Not that I think you should change it, I just think it's interesting. 8)
Yeah, it's "wang wang" in Mandarin Chinese, too. Probably the least intuitive onomatopoeia in that language, though "pilipala pilipala" (the sound of fireworks) is up there.Image
griffon8 wrote:Too bad she didn't notice Miki wearing a boy's top; then she'd know there was an alternative. I wouldn't expect Iwanako's mom knowing or even thinking of the possibility.
Yes, and keep in mind that walking around in boy's clothing isn't something Iwanako would do unless she wasn't given an alternative. Miki is indisputably one of the best-looking characters in the game, but... we're going with the idea that they're out of skirts, too, and that a very feminine girl from one of the most posh wards of Tokyo would be completely unwilling to dress like Rin.

Actually, I was originally going to have her gain the Yamaku uniform just as in the VN, but after looking at the cover of Midwinter I decided Iwanako's canon design was too iconic to discard, and it fits in with the whole theme of isolation that these chapters have had, so I decided to contrive an excuse for her to keep it on for a while. Of course, her hair is different from her appearance in the game, but, well, let's face it, her hair was boring.

In case anyone is curious, six months ago, my original concept for Iwanako's dorm-neighbor was a first-year student named Kusuri Ginkawa, who would have been attending Yamaku after being taken from her schizophrenic, ultra-right-wing nationalist father by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare. She would have had socially debilitating argyria from being made to consume large quantities of colloidal silver every day, and the authorities wouldn't have picked up on it sooner because she was being kept inside and home schooled. In terms of personality, she was basically a blatant ripoff of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh, and I quickly abandoned the idea entirely after I realized it was unmitigated garbage. Momomi is much, much better, I double-promise.

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:42 am
by MutilatedManequin
moar pls.

This seems like a great opportunity. *Punches self in stomach for not thinking of it earlier* I honestly want to see where you go with it, and your blind girl seems... eccentric, but not Kenji
i.e. paranoid, sexist, smells like garlic etc.

Dont be afraid to take Iwanko down different paths in your head. I feel like 'act 1' isnt over, as we are not done being introduced to our potential love interests.
Best of luck.

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 12:21 pm
by griffon8
Leaty wrote:
griffon8 wrote:Eh? What's on the ground floor then? Rooms without hundreds digits? I was always under the impression that Hisao's room was on the bottom floor.
Hmm, I went back and looked but I wasn't able to find any immediate evidence in the VN that Hisao's room was on the first floor. To be honest, I don't think there are bedrooms on the first floor at all; my thinking had been that the first floor had most of the "community" facilities, in addition to the common room, like a study/reading room, a bathroom (I mean, a room with baths, as an alternative to the showers the rest of the building has,) vending machines, a dining room (so you can eat with your friends at night without necessarily having to walk to the cafeteria), etc. Maybe even a room with some rudimentary workout equipment, like dumbbells or a stairmaster or something.

The dorms almost certainly have elevators (like, there's no way in hell they don't,) so the wheelchair-bound population wouldn't, I think, have much of a problem. Having a room on the first floor would be kind of a pain in the ass, even with observation of quiet hours.
Checking the scene 'Nobody's Room' in the VN, you are correct. Elevators are specifically mentioned—no surprise there. Hisao's room is 119. After passing the common room, Hisao climbs stairs to the upper floor.

Hmm, interesting. It's specifically 'the upper floor', not 'the next floor' or something similar. I doubt this is supposed to mean that there is only one floor for rooms though. But just how many small corridors branch off from the main hallway is not mentioned. I guess it's possible.
Leaty wrote:
griffon8 wrote:Too bad she didn't notice Miki wearing a boy's top; then she'd know there was an alternative. I wouldn't expect Iwanako's mom knowing or even thinking of the possibility.
Yes, and keep in mind that walking around in boy's clothing isn't something Iwanako would do unless she wasn't given an alternative. Miki is indisputably one of the best-looking characters in the game, but... we're going with the idea that they're out of skirts, too, and that a very feminine girl from one of the most posh wards of Tokyo would be completely unwilling to dress like Rin.

Actually, I was originally going to have her gain the Yamaku uniform just as in the VN, but after looking at the cover of Midwinter I decided Iwanako's canon design was too iconic to discard, and it fits in with the whole theme of isolation that these chapters have had, so I decided to contrive an excuse for her to keep it on for a while. Of course, her hair is different from her appearance in the game, but, well, let's face it, her hair was boring.
I like your reasoning. Poor Iwanako!
Leaty wrote:In case anyone is curious, six months ago, my original concept for Iwanako's dorm-neighbor was a first-year student named Kusuri Ginkawa, who would have been attending Yamaku after being taken from her schizophrenic, ultra-right-wing nationalist father by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare. She would have had socially debilitating argyria from being made to consume large quantities of colloidal silver every day, and the authorities wouldn't have picked up on it sooner because she was being kept inside and home schooled. In terms of personality, she was basically a blatant ripoff of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh, and I quickly abandoned the idea entirely after I realized it was unmitigated garbage. Momomi is much, much better, I double-promise.
Ah, I did wonder about that. I don't know who Osaka is, but I like what you did with Momomi.

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 5:37 am
by Mirage_GSM
griffon8 wrote:I don't know who Osaka is, ...
Oh, you should remedy that as soon as possible...

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 4:03 pm
by Leaty
griffon8 wrote:Ah, I did wonder about that. I don't know who Osaka is, but I like what you did with Momomi.
Basically an utter space cadet. Not in the Rin sense, but in the "ingenue with a massive attention deficit disorder" sense. Kusuri was going to mirror Kenji's suspicion of Hisao's parents by seeing Iwanako's mother and being confused as to why a movie star was hanging around the dorms. I actually don't think she was a terrible character, but she wasn't right for this story.

By the way, and please pardon a fanficker's indulgences, but this is tentatively Momomi's leitmotif. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think it offered some characterization I might have otherwise understated. We'll pretend that in the context of the fic the song is called "Abdication."

I'm roughly 1500 words into the next chapter, but it's taking longer than I had anticipated because much of the text is load-bearing. I'm trying to get through Day 2 as quickly as possible, because it's a somewhat unremarkable day and Day 3 is going to kick off what I think will be a much more interesting set of events. I can say definitively right now that Iwanako will not be meeting Lilly, Hanako or Yuuko on Day 2. She will, however, encounter other canon characters.

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:54 pm
by cptngarlock
Iwanako is easily one of the least explored characters in the game, and represents a major blank slate. I've always wanted to read KS from the perspective of a female "Hisao", but I've also been a little averse to pure OC routes, which is why I avoided them; therefore, seeing Iwanako, who is not a complete blank slate but is still very much undefined, as the main character is very cool. After reading Iwanako's letter from five different perspectives, I'm hoping this story will give me another perspective on Iwanako.

I also really appreciate that you've made that resolution to keep writing even if there aren't a lot of readers (which I doubt is the case, I believe I got linked here a month ago from the r/katawashoujo). I'll be patiently waiting for the next update, whenever that may be! Keep it up, you've got a lot of potential gold here (but you know that better than anyone, right?)

Image

Re: Scene 6: Breaking the Loop

Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 2:38 am
by Helbereth
Leaty wrote:My room number is 314…
Weird...
One of the details in my ridiculous pile of story notes for TD is that Aiko's room number is 314. It's a stupid inside joke about her being a math nerd (Pi is 3.14). I suppose in an alternate universe, Iwanako can take her room. I had a Twilight Zone moment when I read that, though...

I recall reading about the hall-mate you had planned--though I'll admit I can't recall where that was exactly--and I'm glad you made the change. The top-heavy, blind dilettante you replaced her with has a lot of potential for comic interludes, and doesn't feel as contrived.

The hell was Molly nervous about?

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:41 pm
by griffon8
Just to let people know, I added this story to TVTropes' KS Fanfic recommendation page.

Good thing I can gush all I want on TVTropes and say there what I can't say here. :wink:

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 3:58 pm
by Leaty
cptngarlock wrote:Iwanako is easily one of the least explored characters in the game, and represents a major blank slate. I've always wanted to read KS from the perspective of a female "Hisao", but I've also been a little averse to pure OC routes, which is why I avoided them
Yeah, I've taken great pains to ensure that Iwanako at least somewhat fits into the stereotype readers have of her after completing the game. I utterly abhor OC POV fics because they're self-insert fics by another name and they're written by people who don't possess the experience or self-awareness to realize why they're lazy and awful. Iwanako is probably more erudite in this fic than some people might have expected her to be, but she's still not my character, and being conscientious of that fact, I think, helps keep this story from descending into wish-fulfillment madness. (For example, if she were my character, this would be an Iwanako/Meiko fic.)

The reason why Tomorrow's Doom is a great fic despite being a fic from the POV of an OC is because it's not really a "Woo I go to Hogwarts!" fic, it's actually a Hisao route, so it's a different genre. Plus Helbereth's attention to detail is prodigious, and the vast majority of fanfic authors don't appreciate how far that goes in making a fic good.
cptngarlock wrote:I believe I got linked here a month ago from the r/katawashoujo.
Eh, really? That's very interesting, since I avoid Reddit like the plague. It's good to see that this fic self-transmits.
Helbereth wrote:Weird...
One of the details in my ridiculous pile of story notes for TD is that Aiko's room number is 314. It's a stupid inside joke about her being a math nerd (Pi is 3.14). I suppose in an alternate universe, Iwanako can take her room. I had a Twilight Zone moment when I read that, though...
Heh. The real reason Iwanako's room number is 314 is because that's the number of a military unit I used to belong to. I hadn't realized it was pi until griffon8 pointed it out. It's actually kind of distressing for me to hear that it's Aiko's room, because this fic is only supposed to have one point of departure and Aiko being in a different room makes it "two" points of departure. Not that TD is canon in this fic, but I had no intention of precluding it, either.
Helbereth wrote:I recall reading about the hall-mate you had planned--though I'll admit I can't recall where that was exactly--and I'm glad you made the change. The top-heavy, blind dilettante you replaced her with has a lot of potential for comic interludes, and doesn't feel as contrived.
Momomi is going to be a lot of fun to write. She's going to be a little more prominent than Kenji was in most of the canon routes, though. She's partially inspired by Joan Harris/Halloway from Mad Men, which is why she has red hair and epic boobs.
Helbereth wrote:The hell was Molly nervous about?
Heh.
griffon8 wrote:Just to let people know, I added this story to TVTropes' KS Fanfic recommendation page.
Damn, thanks. That site usually aggravates the hell out of me these days, but I was still wondering when, if ever, this fic would gain a presence on the page. And now it has one! This is very encouraging.

I have about 3,000 words typed up now, but I need to double that before the next chapter will be ready. Mark my words, this fic will be longer than John Galt's speech before the end of the summer. Also, on an unrelated note:
Image
There's probably a joke here I'm not getting, but give that girl bigger breasts and a pair of sunglasses and that's pretty much Momomi. So, um, thanks, KS devs?

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:12 pm
by hawkeye77th
Interesting tale you are writing here, I am enjoying it so far. One detail stuck out to me though. Who would name their pet after a Shinto god (I say as I gently stroke my pet cat Zeus).

Re: Mean Time to Breakdown — (Iwanako, Divergence) {u 3/06/2

Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:12 pm
by neio
I like this. Posting mainly to get it on my "View your posts" list to find updates.